In this stand‑up routine, Jason Levin riffs on the absurdities of New York City subway life, juxtaposing the lack of strippers on trains with the prevalence of men masturbating in corners. He weaves personal confession—never having visited a strip club—into a broader satire of Jewish frugality, citing Shabbat’s prohibition on spending money and portraying Jews as hyper‑cheap. Levin then pivots to a mock business pitch, demanding "equity, baby" instead of a hand job, and launches into a darkly comic appraisal of Jeffrey Epstein as a brilliant accountant, arguing that financial savings outweigh moral transgressions. The set also touches on internal versus external anti‑Semitism, historical subway construction costs, and the cultural clash between religious observance and modern urban life, all delivered in a provocative, irreverent tone.
Chapters
Give it up for Jason Levin, everyone! Alright, so I moved to New York about 2 years ago, and I have one question that I still have yet to be answered. Why does the subway have poles but no strippers? There are men sitting down, many are wearing suits, they're already handing out dollars to people asking for it, right? There's no Wi-Fi, right? Right? And it's a little dark and gross. And on every subway I ride, there's at least one guy jerking off. You know that for a fact. On every subway I ride. And I know that for a fact because I am that guy. Don't hate me, hate the system. Because if there are strippers on the subway, I wouldn't have to be doing it myself. It's a systems problem, really. So I have a confession. I've actually, I've never been to a strip club. Jewish men, we're not meant for that, you know. We don't like spending money on things that aren't free. So spending something, spending money on something that is free, it's just very antithetical to our religion, you know. We actually have an entire day, so Shabbat, you've heard of it? It's a day of rest. We're not allowed to spend money once a week. Like, we are that cheap. Our religion literally doesn't let us spend money once a week. It's pretty crazy. So if you brought me to a strip club on like a Friday or Saturday night, I really wouldn't be able to contribute much. You know? Like, I would just sit there in the corner like I am on the subway, right? Subway, Shabbat, two different systems. Very different systems, similar outcomes. Me masturbating in the corner. I also don't think I'd be a good fit. My father, he is a lawyer, so I grew up negotiating and haggling, right? As lawyers do. So I'd see a stripper and, you know, she's wearing a g-string. That's not much cloth, right? Like, that's not very expensive to make. You think about pants, very expensive. The cost of goods. Are a lot lower and her profit margins are just so high. I would just start haggling, you know? It's just like, how expensive is it to make a fucking G-string, man? It's like, not that much. And, you know, $200 for a handy? No, I want equity, baby. I want equity, you know? Speaking of hand jobs and Jews, Jeffrey Epstein, not a good Jew. But he was a fantastic businessman. He really was. Do you know how good at business Jeffrey Epstein was? Well, Peter Thiel, the investor, right? Started PayPal, Palantir, invested in Facebook. He's a billionaire. He gets referred to Jeffrey Epstein. His friend comes and tells him, he's like, this is the greatest accounting mind of our generation, right? Thiel knows he fucked a kid, but he still goes with the Jew for accounting. That's how good Jeffrey Epstein is at accounting. And when you think about it, does it really matter if your accountant fucks kids if you're saving money on taxes, right? If you don't have to pay taxes, I'm not saying I would sleep better, but I would be sleeping good on a luxury mattress because I wouldn't be paying for taxes, right? I don't know, Jews have been getting a lot of hate in the media, as we do, college campuses, but we don't get enough internal hate, you know? There's a lot of external hate, not enough internal hate. And like I said, we are extremely cheap. We have the Shabbat thing. But, you know, we are so cheap that somebody, you know, they asked us to go on trains for free. We're just like, "Eh, cheaper than the subway, you know? Might as well, right?" You know? Hey, it's cheap, let's do it. And that was 70 years ago, right? 80 years ago. You fast forward 80 years now, Subway is now $2.90 with inflation, right? Still too expensive. We build fucking tunnels, right? You guys all know what I'm talking about, the tunnels in Brooklyn. Yeah, yeah, right? The disturbing images that came out, the Orthodox Jew popping up like a mole rat. Yep. That was disturbing to me and I'm Jewish. And I found that honestly most disturbing because I wasn't invited. Goddamn, that looked fun. Just like, you know, prancing through the city, some national treasure Jewish shit going down, like bar mitzvah style. Maybe they'd lift the chairs like you're saying. If the tunnel was high enough, we're all short anyway, so it's all good. And most importantly, I wouldn't have to pay for the subway.
