Some context of who tf I am lol. I may try to edit this later so it is less rambly. We shall see.
In this candid, unedited vlog, the speaker—who identifies as Jax, an autistic, non‑binary, trans‑masculine, Latine, white‑passing individual—offers a sprawling autobiographical monologue. They begin with a humorous self‑deprecating introduction about their appearance and segue into their cosplay history, noting a transition from a Harley‑Quinn portrayal to an androgynous Joker, and how hypermobility (EDS) affects them. The narrative then delves into early autistic experiences, severe PDA, OCD, and the delayed formal diagnosis, coupled with a sharp critique of mainstream autism organizations they view as eugenicist. Jax recounts a complex family background: a Cuban‑Catalan biological father who fled Castro, a grandfather who was a gay photographer, and a stepfather who became a more supportive parental figure. They describe generational trauma, mental‑health challenges (CPTSD, depression, suicidal ideation, anxiety, OCD), chronic illness, and a progressive decline in executive function that halted their cosplay, streaming, and peer‑support work. Professional aspirations—peer counseling, advocacy, speaking at a state conference—are contrasted with systemic barriers and lack of resources. Jax reflects on their intersecting identities, the feeling of being misunderstood, and the desire to be authentic despite societal pressures. They express a yearning for connection, illustrated by feeding local birds and finding comfort in non‑human animals. Philosophical musings about existence, purpose, and the wish to cease existing are interwoven with moments of hope tied to love and intimacy, which they both crave and fear. The vlog ends with a call for listeners to either engage with their story or move on, emphasizing a desire for honest, non‑confrontational dialogue.
Chapters
Okay, so I'm trying something new. I'm just gonna record this and then I'm gonna see if I can edit it myself later. My hair is ridiculous. I literally just rolled out of bed. This, you know, this is actual bed head, so ahh! Let's pretend like I care about my appearance for a moment. Look at the dandruff falling all over the place and hair and whatever else, because yeah, I haven't even showered like in the last day or two or something, I don't think. Why am I just telling all of my horrible lack of hygiene issues to the public right now. This is a funny thing to do. Oh yeah, that's because that's what I do. I just, I spill all my dirty secrets for the world because what else can I do? It's like, that's what is expected of me, you know? And I've decided, sure, I can play the role of the fool IRL since people loved my Harley Quinn so much, and now I'm working on a Joker cosplay. And while I did the Suicide Squad Harley Quinn, fairly accurately, I would say. Like, that's the number one compliment I get from that cosplay, is that like a lot of people are like, "I really thought that was Margot Robbie, like I really can't tell the difference," and I'm like, "Wow, thank you," you know, that means I did a good job with paying attention to the detail and like, ah, you know, like doing all the cosplay, the, you know, costume play acting situation, whatever. So the point is, since transitioning, I don't really want to do femme looks anymore, right? So I'm only gonna do masc or androgynous. Don't hyperextend, that's that EDS, the hypermobility, ligamentous laxity. It causes some of the pain. So anyway, point is, I've been thinking a lot about how people like when I— screw it, if it hyperextends, it hyperextends, I just can't deal with it right now. It's comfortable, okay? Anyway. People like me playing characters, but the thing is that I don't like playing characters. I like playing me. I like dressing up and every once in a while acting goofy or silly or what people would call crazy or insane, you know, according to like the pathologized neuro-normative— That culture that I don't even pay attention to, essentially, except for when it's like literally impacting my life and I'm just like, mm! Get out, fuera, no, no, I don't want you here, get out. So one thing like for me when like being a child who's autistic and didn't know I was autistic, but I had this, it's probably like just severe PDA, right, from like a very young age where I just like, hmm, thought about everything very deeply and I also probably OCD and some other stuff from a very young age. I ruminated a lot even when I was really small, and I remember there wasn't a lot of like concrete fen— sentences? Wow. Sentences. Um, in my head it was just like a lot of feelings, like I could tell, like I could just feel stuff. I felt like this little unit of consciousness like right here, like very much here, like not embodied in the rest of my body. I remember that from as young as age 4 or 5 or something, when I first became aware that I was aware, sort of. But like, not in the metacognitive way of like hitting puberty and then the prefrontal cortex developing, right? And those higher cognitive functions so that you can self-reflect and use the skill set of metacognition, which is like using your mind to observe your mind, right? And your body and neuroception and all of that. And so for me, I remember I was around 4 or 5 or so, a little bit younger. It was like, it's mostly just black. It's mostly nothing, just darkness. And then there's like spotty impressions and there's like 1 or 2 like really intense kind of scary memories. Like, so my first memories are very scary and it was of this guy who painted this picture or this painting. My bio dad, he was the one who very much— My dad. Mentally and emotionally traumatized me. I don't know what else, I don't remember. Maybe that's good. Hopefully nothing else, you know, right? But like, that's what I remember just as like him embodying a very spooky, scary, morbid, horror, grotesque, creepy, agh! guy role, right? So I think that because I was just like living in this state of constant fear very, very young, And just like, I didn't have any conception of like hell or God or religion at like that age. So prior to the age of like 8 or so, I wasn't really aware of anything theistic or religious. I was aware of like spiritual stuff because my— like I was taken to various places of worship and various spiritual and theistic and faith-based cultural events and gatherings and participated in various communities. But my mother's family was Unitarian Universalist, mostly, if anything. Because they all kind of had their own beliefs, right? Like, I feel like everybody in my mom's family is like the Masten clan. So Rick Masten was my grandfather and he— I mean, like, he's a story in himself, right? He's a— I should make videos about him and then like share his poetry, and that's something that I'd love to do too, but that's like the other side of my family, right? So, and I'm terrible at editing. My memory has gone to crap. My, my, my— speaking of prefrontal cortex, you know, my executive functions have deteriorated over the past decade or so, which is essentially in part why I stopped cosplaying, why I stopped streaming on Twitch, why I stopped working. I was doing all kinds of things. I had all these kinds of plans, you know, and goals and aspirations and dreams and hopes, you know, in life in my 20s, like everybody. And then my body and mind started to just break down and break down and break down. And I was desperately seeking help from medical professionals. And all of the testing that I was doing was coming back normal, within normal ranges, right? Mm-hmm. And it wasn't until I finally got diagnosed officially with autism, which I like to say is I finally got identified and assessed as autistic, because I think it's a neurotype, not a disorder or pathology, and everything that is happening, you know, with the autism registry in the USA and even before that, frankly, the Autism Caucus, The Autism Cares Act, you know, Autism Speaks, so many of the major organizations that are supposed to be supporting people with intellectual and developmental disabilities, including autistic people, they're frankly pro-eugenics. And this, you know, before the CDC like, "Pew!" got destroyed, right? By, you know, the MAGA fascist coup. And I'm just speaking freely because this is my channel and these are my opinions and I'm gonna say whatever the fuck I want. And people can take issue with it and call me crazy because that's nothing new, right? And you can look at all of my legal and medical records and you can look at my history from the moment that I was born in this damn USA. Ugh. Can't even get into that right now. But it just, I'm sure I'm on countless lists because on my bio dad's side, Cuban Spanish, Catalan, right? So like my— so, you know, my bio dad was literally born in La Habana, Cuba, and he fled with his parents when Castro came to power. There's various reasons as to why, but the main reason I heard was because my abuelo was gay, and Castro was a Christian regime and was very homophobic. And so, and even though my abuelo was also a bastard, so even though he was a Puig, the Catalan family Puig is like really, really big, he was born outside of wedlock in the La Casa Grande, right? And so there was like La Casa Chica. This is like Latin history stuff that I don't really want to talk about right now because it's like, you can look that up and I can like make videos on that later, right? But the point is there's like lots of stuff about my abuelo Herman Puig. He was a— you can even look him up. Herman, Herman, he went by like Herman, Herman Puig because he like lived in France or something for a while. And then because they were all into his gay male nude photography, right? Because just lots of wangs. I mean, he was talented. He's just not my thing, you know? And he helped to found La Cinema Teca de Cuba before he left. And unfortunately he never got recognized for that because of his homosexuality. And even— I'm like, I didn't have a personal relationship with him. He did not want to have a relationship with me, that was his choice. I literally reached out to him when I was in my teens and asked if he wanted to know his grandchild, and he literally said— I don't remember how he said it, it was in Spanish. I could probably find that email at some point. It was like when I was 15, I don't remember what email account I was using, you know what I mean? But he basically said something along the lines of like, "Now is not the time for us to know." know each other. If you want to know who I am, here, read the attached biography about me, and here's a link to my website so you can look at all the pictures of the penises I've taken. Like, no, he didn't say it exactly that way, right? But that's like how I was hearing it when I was just like, wow, what a dick, right? Yeah. And, uh, there never was time for us to know each other, and I found out that he died from Wikipedia, so that was fun. Um, and I'm still a little bitter about that. Anyway, so that was like the That plus like a few other interactions mostly surrounding my father's death, Adrián, and he was an artist obviously too, but instead of film and photography, he was a painter and a graphic artist, illustrator, graphic design. He illustrated the faces of people on death row and he was an illustrator for The New Yorker for a while, while and when he was living in Asterías, I think, in New York City. And I don't know, and that's why when I was living in Jersey was because he was working in New York. And I remember that he had tried to like befriend Cubans there, but he— because he— Nah, I can't even tell this story. This is again, like maybe when I do a video about, you know, my bio dad. And I call him my bio dad because I have a stepfather and he came into my life when I was 12 or 13 and he was my Latin teacher. And it wasn't a great time how he like came into my life. Like, that whole situation is like another trauma. But since then, I have accepted him as more of a father than my bio dad ever was because he was pretty much just a source of trauma. [LAUGHTER] And then my stepdad, like the trauma that happened that was like associated or related with him was very much not his fault. And I can see that now, right? And even though I was like pissed off at him and my mom, growing up when I really should have been pissed off at my bio dad, but I was like, I think idealizing and romanticizing him because I didn't know him. But then it wasn't until I was 15 when I reached out to him and was like, you know, how about, do you wanna like get to know me? Maybe it was after like his father shut me down, you know? And so then, and also it's like, I kept trying to get to know his side of the family because it's like, I'm only Latin on his side. And so I was like trying very desperately to like connect with my Latin culture, but he was an only child and both like his parents were damaged and standoffish. And I had like guilt connected with my abuela, which that has to do with, ahem, because I stopped speaking Spanish, because I, lots of reasons. And that's a thing that has to do with a poem that I wrote for her. And I'll read that at some point that also kind of gives some context. And history about like more of that side of the family and like my relationships with them. I also have like a half-sister on that side of the family. So she's full Spanish and she was born and raised in Spain, I think in Catalunya, Barcelona, I think, I'm not sure, but I could be wrong 'cause she and I only met in like, we only ever met once like in real life and then we were connected online, but we're very different people. And she's married to an Englishman that she met in like Rome or something and like they primarily speak Italian to each other but I think she's since learned English because they've been living in England for a long time now and they have a child so I have a niece. You know, so I've never met my niece. That's sad. Maybe one day, you know, if I survive this weird state of affairs here. Yeah, it's just, it's wild times. So Point is, I have lots of interesting things that I'd love to share, because I don't know the point of my life if I am feeling so unwell all the time and so disabled that I cannot consistently work in the traditional sense, and my cognitive faculties are currently so impaired that I'm not able to produce anything of substance or quality, I feel like, on a regular or consistent basis. So I feel like all that I have left to offer and give is myself, give of myself, and that's pretty much just like vulnerability and authenticity. And those are really hard, uh, for me and for for people who feel like we are constantly punished when we try to be authentic, and we have had a lot of negative experiences when trying to be vulnerable. So I just— I feel like I'm running out of ideas. I feel like as much as I try to learn and grow and accomplish, I fail. And then as much as I try to connect and network and organize, I fail. And as much as I try to heal and, and care for myself and get well, I fail. So it just sort of feels like no matter what I try in life, I am failing, and I don't really know what else to do now. Mm-hmm. So I guess it's kind of a last-ditch effort. A last-ditch effort to find something or someone that might help change my perspective on life. I can tell stories about my life all day. But at the end of the day, I'm still left alone here. I'm still back dealing with it and— I'm sorry. I've tried so many treatments, I've tried so many ways of expanding my perspective and seeing things in a new light, in a new angle, and I continue to conclude that there is something neurologically occurring that is preventing me from seeing or feeling things in a healthy or productive way that will motivate me or incentivize me to do the things I need to do on my own to accomplish the goals I have. And unfortunately, I'm not a neuroscientist, and even if I were, there's no guarantee I would know what's happening inside of me right now. Mm-hmm. And possibly with money, possibly with access to private secured networks and communities and resources and technology, possibly I could put myself through testing and utilize machines and technology that could possibly identify something occurring neurologically. I have a feeling it's a central nervous system issue. I think there's something going on there that's, uh, related to lack of hope and a lack of will, a lack of sense of self and ego and identity that exists independent of everything else and everyone else. And while some might say that's not a bad thing and that I'm simply struggling because I'm empathetic and I am connected to the collective consciousness, and currently we are in a state of suffering and mourning and grieving as so much horror is being perpetually inflicted on so many, and— I say if that is the case, come on, I have to be able to do something other than grieve, you know? I mean, or I have to be able to— like, I can't even do my art anymore. I can't even finish art. I can't even write. I can't even sit down and put pen to paper and even eke out a little tiny poem, you know, something. It's like, I look at the beauty of nature, of the world, and I think it's so wonderful, and if only people didn't exist, if only humans weren't here, it'd be so much more beautiful. I mean, other than select pocket communities of mostly indigenous communities I find beautiful who are, you know, actually caretaking and stewarding and living in relation with the land, you know, that's different, but I wish I didn't exist. I feel that I am a cancer, that I'm a plague, that I am part of the toxicity, that I have internalized this toxicity and I can't get it out of me. Mm-hmm. And I— And so I just want to cease to exist, but that feels like the easy way out, right? That feels like it's not fair, and I think a lot about how choosing to just leave during such a time of struggle and need, you know, would would be— I wouldn't like, I wouldn't end any pain, it would just be transferring more, it'd be leaving more behind for others to deal with. So that feels very unfair and very selfish, and I don't— I can't justify that, you know? And I feel like for all the privilege that I may have, it doesn't amount to anything when I don't feel hardly any positive emotions at all, and I'm just consumed by either nothingness, emptiness, or negativity. And so I try to isolate, and I try to hide myself away from humanity because I don't want to spread the toxicity, and I don't know how to heal it. Okay. On my own, and I keep trying to find individuals who might be able to help me, but I either have nothing really to offer them in exchange for that service, or on some level I think I just push them away for various reasons, possibly to perpetuate and reinforce my own trauma, but what can you do when you're painfully aware? It really sucks. It sucks to be very painfully aware. It sucks to be so aware from such a young age, and yet feeling paralyzed and like you can't do anything. And it's just this unreal state of horror and shock that you're always in. Like, this surreal is this life, you know? It's like, I see so much beauty and I'm just like, it's gorgeous, and it doesn't make it worth it. It doesn't make it worth it for me. Nothing has ever made it worth it. The only thing that ever ever. The only thing that comes close, close to making it worth it is when I'm in love, and that sounds so basic, and I hate that about myself because I hate toxic romance culture, yet I become so enamored and infatuated, and this limerence that I experience is so unhealthy and so unstable. Mm-hmm. And I become unstoppable and I can move mountains and I can change the world. But when I don't have that, it's like my power source is gone and then I have nothing and I am like, "Oof, why am I still here? None of this is worth it now." And yet— Yeah. One person, just one person in my life that I am in love with, and suddenly everything is worth it. Everything. And I hate that, and it— and I understand, it's like, oh my gosh, that's Psych 101, you know? That's like Behavioral Neuroscience 101, that's CPTSD nonsense and insecure attachment 101. Like, of course, of course that's gonna be the thing that I'm always chasing after, but that's also the thing that I'm most terrified of, so I have to put up so many boundaries and so many walls and I create like a labyrinth, you know, around my heart with like invisible fences and barbed wire and I'm just like, you know, a very menacing sign with a Cerberus dog out front, you know, just like, "Enter ye who dare, there be dragons here," you know, like, "Oh, not for the faint of heart." But then, you know, the people who even get slightly close enough and who are brave enough to enter this, you know, hell maze. Like straight up, I'm like, uh-oh, they're getting too close, they're getting too close, and then I like put— it's like then I don't play fair and then it's like moving walls and booby traps and me like pushing them out and it's like after a while no one can handle that shit, everyone gets annoyed. Hi little bird, I love these birds. Yeah, have some water, yeah. The— this bird used both bowls. I'm so pleased. So this bird went all the way to the left side, which is where the bowl full of like nuts and seeds and ants and stuff now is. So it's like a little bird buffet. And then on the other side— oh, and the bird is just standing on the railing and looking out now, having a little view. Yeah, and having some snacks because I put some snacks along the railing. And there's like a whole little ecosystem out there now. Aww. And then yeah, so then I put water on the other side a bowl of water and a little bit of banana peel for some potassium, just in case, you know. And yeah, these little birds are coming by and it's really nice. I hope to befriend them close enough that one day we can even interact, you know. I don't know if that's healthy for them or not. I'll try to be very clean, or I don't know, I'll look into it or something, but I would love to have a, you know, physical interaction with a non-human animal, because I tend to feel a lot safer receiving oxytocin from them, which is related to this whole conversation, so that's also partially why I get so happy around non-human animals, because I feel so much safer with them. Ah, the reason I feel safer is because to me it's easier to read their body language, because they don't lie, you know, they can't lie to themselves the way that humans do, So again, that's like a dissociation thing, right? If an animal is very traumatized, it's pretty obvious because they'll be like highly skittish, and that's often the case for humans too, but there are some humans who get to the point of being able to mask that, right? And that's for various reasons. So, um, you just— sometimes humans can mask so much that they are not aware that they're doing it. So then when you're a kid and you're noticing, you can see through the mask because kids are better at that because they haven't been conditioned with all the crap. So when you're a kid and you're like, "Why are you upset?" to an adult, right? And the adult's like, "What do you mean? I'm not upset." And the way they say that is just like, it is very clear that they're upset, you know, but they've convinced themselves that they're not upset. And that's them lying to themselves, and that's the dissociation and masking. So, yeah. So anyway, the point is like, I'm not a certified anything currently, I'm working on finishing my gap tra— I mean like, I'm a certified peer counselor, but it's technically not a certification, it's just a training that you do, and then you can get certain jobs, and I haven't been able to work even after getting that because currently I am not in a place where I can work for anyone. I can't even work for myself, right? That's— I have my own business and I'm like not able to get myself to do anything. And that's part of why I'm like begging for help on the internet, because I've been in Washington State, which was allegedly blue and progressive and signaling support for people like me and is currently doing that again, yet I've repeatedly reached out to Governor Ferguson and other members of, yeah, the Senate and Washington State governments, right, and they're just messing around. They're just messing me around, right? And the thing is that I know why, right? I'm not established in any way, and I was given an opportunity to speak at the Washington State Co-Occurring Disorder treatment conference about neurodivergent care, and it wasn't quite the presentation that I really wanted to deliver, and that's again because I haven't had the support that I needed, but it went well enough that like there was a good crowd, and some people came up after and told me that they resonated with what I said, but because I have not been able to get my writing, my like written materials done and put online, and my websites reorganized and stuff, because I haven't had the money, and because I haven't had the executive functioning and I haven't had the like physical in-person support because I don't know, I'm struggling a lot to figure out like what I need to get myself to be able to do the thing. And that's where I'm not a clinical like psychologist, I'm not a therapist, I'm not a neuroscientist, right? I'm a peer support worker, which just means like— Mm-hmm. I'm a person who has lived experience, I'm a lived experience educator, I'm a person who educates people based on my experience of life, because I've been through a lot, because I'm a strange unusual person who happens to exist at the intersection of many like, I don't know, marginalized identities or whatever, like identities that have been criminalized now, things like that. And it's like, look, I didn't necessarily choose my identities, just like I didn't necessarily choose who I was born to, or where I was born, or how I ended up developing and looking and all of these things about like my phenotype and genotype and genetics and all of this kind of stuff, right? Some people might say spiritual beliefs you choose as a soul, whatever. We're not gonna get into that right now, okay? Like, right now, this human, Jax, did not choose all of these things, okay? So it makes no sense to get mad at me for things that I didn't choose. Mm-hmm. And it's not even a question of if I would be something else if I had the choice, because it's not a choice, right? The only choice is whether I'm going to lie about who I am and go back into closets, or continue to live openly as I am regardless of what criminal, you know, regimes want to say. So yeah, the— this video, I guess, is simply something of an introduction to me and my life, who I am, right, as an autistic, uh, plural, latine, white-passing— you know, the only reason I say white-passing is because of racism, like, and because of colorism, because of whiteness, right? I don't even like think much about like myself in any relation to that, other than the fact that when people see me, and you like don't know me, they just think I'm white, right? So it's like, "Pfft." You know, I have to make a point. No, that's not who I am, and also I'm non-binary, I'm also transmasculine, right? So it's like, there's all these things that you need to know about me and how I speak. I'm bicoastal American, I'm multicultural, I've lived outside of the US, I lived in— I also lived in Barcelona when I was little, and I've lived in India for 2 months, that was awesome, you know, in West Bengal. I have traveled all over, not like all over all over, but like to various places outside of the and had some really cool experiences in different parts of the world, and have traveled a bit in the US as well and lived in different parts. So, you know, I was trilingual when I was a baby, and unfortunately I lost my Catalan. I'd love to get that back, and I'm working on trying to teach myself more languages. I taught myself 2 years of Japanese when I was in high school, which was— well, I taught myself 1 year and then formally studied for a year, and I was sad when I couldn't really continue my Japanese studies. But yeah, anyway, so point is, it's been like a decade or more of chronic illness and developmental disabilities getting worse and I— like, being activated, right? Or if they were there, they weren't so prominent until I started having a lot more stress and trauma as I started to get older and tried to fit into the neuro-normative, heteronormative, white supremacist, patriarchal, nonsensical, Christian nationalist American culture here, right? Like, none of that worked for me, none of that made sense for me, no matter where I was in the US, like, I was not fitting, I was not finding people like me, I was not able to just like be my authentic self, and I just kept perceiving the message that like I didn't belong, I was broken, I was defective, and it just like kept crushing me down and crushing me down. And after a certain point, I just got really angry, and I wasn't allowed to be angry, right? So I was internalizing that, and it became depression and self-harm and suicidal ideation and OCD and CPTSD and all kinds of things, you know, anxiety. So many things started to develop because I was just like constantly hating on myself because that's what I felt like the culture was telling me to do. And also just like home life and school life and just like everything everywhere all the time I was getting that message. And then, you know, of course there was that like ragey angsty teen kind of phase, the rebellious externalization for a while. I was kind of a jerk to my mom and family and I feel really bad about that. And I'm like still trying to make amends, but also I'm still struggling with a lot that did happen and feeling like people are not taking accountability for like their parts too. So I'm still trying to work through some of that. And then pretty much everyone on my dad's side other than my sister is like dead now, it feels like. And I didn't— and like all 3 with like papá, You know, Germán and Adoración was my grandma. It was weird because I like, I called my dad papá, but he called his parents by their names. So I never called my grandparents abuelo or abuelita or anything like that. I called them by their names. And the weird thing was also on my mother's side of the family, I— there was Grandma Billie and Grandpa Rick, but like every once in a while I would say Auntie April, Aunt April. It was mostly April, right? Like, and same thing with, um, Jerry, like Auntie Jer. It was like when I was little I might say that, but then as I got older it just became like their first names. And you know, I, I think about that a lot because I know in many cultures adding that title is kind of like a sign of respect, and I wonder like— but for me it wasn't about res— I mean, I don't know, maybe it was, but it was also about like closeness. It signified affection, and the more that I felt emotionally hurt and like estranged and distanced, like the less I felt inclined to use, you know, those titles. And I didn't even have like aunts and uncles on my father's side because he didn't have siblings, and so it was really, really lonely, and that was also very unusual for being Latin, right, and Hispanic and having any like of that Spanish culture. And then similarly, they were all like pretty much atheists. Like there was like no religious— if anything, they were like anti-religion. And like my, my bio dad literally described himself as a blasphemer apostate, and he had like the Witch's Bible and the Satanic Bible. But he didn't believe any of it, he just liked to make fun of everything and he just liked to, I don't know, trigger people because he thought it was funny. And, you know, he was very scary and very dark and my mom claims he had nice sides and I believe her and remember some memories of him being like nice and charming and fascinating and interesting and intelligent and stuff but It was just always punctuated with these Jekyll-Hyde moments, you know? Where it was like, even if he was being wonderful and captivating and entertaining and like we were all enamored of him and his charisma, like one person does the wrong thing and then he just like changes and he's a different person. Suddenly he's screaming at you and he's like breaking shit and you're just like, "Oh my god, what the fuck just happened?" You know? So, and like yeah, he was an alcoholic and he— Mm-hmm. Definitely had like narcissistic, sociopathic, sadistic, kind of like psychotic more like tendencies. He was like probably bipolar or something and I think manic depress— depression is what they called it at the time and he took medication but he didn't like the meds because it made him like flat. It was probably lithium or something like that. I get that because when I took lithium it also made me numb. Mm-hmm. And then his father, Hermann, I think was schizophrenic and like went into a psych ward or something for that. So there's just been like a long history of trauma and mental illness on both sides of my family. And I've just been alone, it feels like, and like punished for the generational curses and traumas that have been inherited and not— the cycles that haven't been broken. Mm-hmm. And I feel like my entire life's purpose is to break these cycles, and yet I am very much feeling like I don't want to ever have children because I still am not convinced that I'm gonna live much longer, you know. Um. Like, I'm not stable, I'm not healthy, like I just, I don't feel okay. I feel like everything in the state of the world, and especially in the Americas, is very unstable, North America especially. Right, nuh-huh. Uh, and we're speaking here, I'm all Turtle and Duck Island. Um, it's just terrifying, you know, but what do you do? You just gotta keep going. I don't believe in denial. I don't believe in ignoring things, and I don't believe in lying about what's happening. So I'm all for talking about things openly, but calmly and rationally as much as possible. And I share my life, I share my story, I share who I am, I share my thoughts for anyone interested and for any who understand and empathize and relate. And for those who don't, you can move along. My con— that's not for you, right? That's going to be my perpetual statement. If you don't like it, cool, good for you, move along, right? I'm not here to fight, I'm not here to argue. I am here to live my life as peacefully as possible, and if you take any issue with me or what I'm doing, again, just move along. So thanks and take care. Thank you.
