Lava-Mātra: A Moment with Jayapatākā Swami: HG Mādhurya Gaurāṅgī Devī dāsī #JayapatakaSwamiArchives

Hare Krishna. My name is Madhur Yagaurangi Devi Dasi. And I don't remember first time how I met devotees. Because I feel that I always knew about them. Maybe the earliest what I could recall. But I don't think that I never knew about them before. But I was around 14 and in my country I lived in one town which is away from the city where the temple was. And because I was 14, my mother was not allowing me to go somewhere out. But sometimes by begging with my friends she allowed. So then with one of my friends at that time, we were always trying to search something new and something exciting. So then she let's go to that temple, Hare Krishna temple and see what is there. And of course we don't know what temple is. So we entered there and there was the. Can you say the planning was. There is a small corridor. On one side there is Govindas, on other side there is a bookstore. And then there is the door in front which was actually a temple which we did not know. We saw that this corridor is already a temple. So in a bookshop I did not go because I have no money 14 year old girl. But I could hardly get some ticket for the train to go to that city. And then for Govindas we checked and we were getting something the cheapest. There was some kind of coconut cutlet. And then this is cheapest thing. That only thing we can afford. So we bought that. And then I tried. I didn't like it at all taste. But somehow I was eating because I just wanted to have something extraordinary in my life. So something uncommon. And I was also interested in all this spirituality. And it was always very thoughtful. I was even writing my own books. And when I was a kid I tried to create my own religion like fantasy. So like this. So I like this kind of mood. So every time my mother somehow or other allowed me to go to that other city because it's bigger city and in this age you want to see some new things. Always with my friend we visited that corridor only corridor. But we never entered the temple or never saw the deities. For me it was already that corridor enough. I was feeling very excited and inspired. And then one day one devotee was chanting on beads in that corridor. And I was thinking and to me, oh no. But before that, what happened was that someone in that corridor gave me one like a bookmark with Maha mantra written. And I was trying to read it and was very happy. I put on the wall in my room. But I didn't know exactly how to use Pronunciation or anything like this. And I remember two times at that age when I heard the Mahamantra. It was for me, like it's some kind of slow motion happens and like some kind of different world arranges and like I'm hearing some different sound, not like ordinary. One time it was actually, I'm not telling things in chronological order because I don't remember what happened first. One time I was, oh yeah, that was first that I went to the temple and after I got that bookmark with holy name, holy Mahamantra, then I heard the devotee chanting and it felt that there is nothing else exists in that small corridor, only that sound, very dense sound of that mantra. And then I stood and I think, oh, this is how it sounds. I didn't know it sounded like this. So then I was just trying to hear and it was like some very, very sweet and deep experience. But. But then of course with my friend we left. And that's what I all knew about them. That in the corduroy read 4,30 Mangalarti, 5 o' clock, Japa. Like this. So I was thinking, oh, this is what they do. But to me, I never had an idea that someone can join Hare Krishnas. I thought, these are Hare Krishnas and these are us. You know, I was thinking like this, but I was always thinking, oh, these people are just like some kind of from different planet. And like this it was too mystical for me to comprehend or anything. And then I later on I was hearing, although I think, and devotees say that in my country I am from Latvia. It's a very small country in Europe. Latvia, they say it's not much preaching and maybe it's not, but somehow I always was stumbling on the Hare Krishnas everywhere they went. So to me they seemed always present there in Riga. Riga is that city where I was trying to go always as a teenager from my small town. And then I was already in university. And then I was every day going to Riga, to that capital. And then one time I was walking and I'm hearing some sound. And the sound is like agitating my heart and agitating my mind. And then I'm seeing that devotees are passing myself. Oh, that's them. And I feel that my heart is like raising and coming here and up. So I was like very, very agitated in my consciousness from that sound. And I just stood and I was standing and with my eyes I just was following how these devotees go because I said somehow I didn't think that I can join them. I felt I can just admire them from Afar. So this is what I was doing on that time. And then there was several other occasions when I saw them in some kind of concerts. There were some dance group where some men were dancing with swords. Some Rama dance, I think they were called. And then some other. There was some kind of like a gatherings or concerts for some like alternatively thinking people. So one or two of them were always there and I was always kind of captured. And I stayed and I tried to hear what they say. And the latest, I think this is when I was first time actually taking prasadam besides that coconut cutlet, which I didn't like. But then we went, it was some kind of hippie festival, like in Poland we had this Woodstock. So it was a smaller scale of Woodstock because Latvia is small, so Woodstock small. So we went there with friends and by the end of festival our money finish, everything finished. And we are so hungry, hungry. And we know that Hare Krishna have full. And since childhood I could not take onions. This was some kind of weakness. And I could never take onions. And it was very difficult for me to eat outside because everything is with onions. And then I go to these Hare Krishnas because I'm hungry, I'm starving. And I know they have that food. And my first question is, is this with onions? And they said, no, there are no onions. I said, no, please tell me the truth, because wherever I go everyone says there are no onions. But when I eat I have to throw up because I cannot eat the onions. He said, no, no, really. And I'm starting to argue no, I really want to know. And somehow. And then one devotee, like a man, maybe some senior man, he said, really, none of us use onions here. Wow. Hare Krishnas don't use onions like me. And I was so happy. And then I took that prayer, I think it was some Khichri. And I was somehow, I don't know, so agitated or what. And I dropped it on the floor. It just spilled all over. And I didn't. And then someone shout it's prasadam, don't put it on the floor. And I'm like standing now and I don't know what to do now because it's on the floor, so what am I supposed to do? So then one lady came and she gathered it and put. That seemed very kind because I could not ever saw anybody cleaning for someone else. And I really felt that they so much that it's not just some food. Because the way they were worried that it's on the floor, I felt that it must be something sacred. So then I ate and I was very satisfied. And then they were doing some kirtan and then one Brahmachari was speaking. And then, I don't remember exactly he was speaking, but then he. And there were besides me, other participants of this hippie festival there gathered. And so then he was speaking and he said, so who wants thou to become Hare Krishna? And some people and me, me. And then he said, who wants to come with us and be with us? Me. And then he said, yes, but when you will go home, when you meet your mommy, you will change your mind. He challenged like this. And I said in my mind, no, I will not change my mind. But I didn't say anything. So I think this was the brightest experience and maybe most effective for me because soon after that I also became vegetarian. And the way how I became vegetarian was also a bit mystical. And some devotees, when I joined, they said, maybe it was because of that sangha with this prasadam. I like this because naturally we were meat eaters, like most of the world is. So then my mom told me she was boiling some meat in a pot and when the meat boils, there's some foam coming. Whoever boiled the meat, they know. So she said, go and take off that meat, that foam. I was a young girl, so she said, go. So I went to the kitchen, I opened the pot and I'm removing this foam and I'm staring that boiling meat. And suddenly one grave voice comes from sky and I'm hearing, he says, you are boiling the corpse and you will go to hell. And the worst thing is that you yourself are planning to eat it now. So basically that. And I was like, what was that? And I put, put my, that lid down and everything they spoon down. And I was ima, what was this? I could not understand, but I came corner, I skipped it. It was just some mystical experience. So then next morning I woke up and I did not really connect it to that previous Vakashvani, but somehow in my mind I felt, okay, I should not eat meat. But not because I was scared from that, but somehow it happened like a sequence. I should not eat meat. And then I went to university. Oh, you are vegetarian, you are vegetarian. I said, I don't know if I am vegetarian or not. I just don't, I don't, I don't, I don't want to anymore, continually. So this is how I became vegetarian. And. And maybe it was from that fallen khichri that I ate. And these devotees who make me promise, yes, I will become devotee. So like this. But I didn't come become devotee. I just was always very appreciative. I still did not know what does it mean to become a devotee or how. So in my school break, my university break, I was always going now to eat in Karakrishna restaurant because there are no onions. I just could not eat anywhere else because every other like place, restaurant, cafe was always onion. So there I was safe, there's no onion. So that's how maybe this prasadam was penetrating me through my body and everywhere. So then, so that's kind of I was getting closer and closer but they still didn't join and still had not entered the temple. So really first time how I entered the temple was because after university I decided I have to travel. So I wanted to just travel the Europe. I thought and what I thought everyone is going to India. Like my friends, they want to go to India. But then I know my friends, they just smoke ganja and like this. And then by that time I also got some this Akashivani to stop taking any intoxication because everything okay, meat, I understand I should not take because I'm harming other living entities. But what about like smoking alcohol? This is my business, I'm not harming anyone. And then that voice told me the intoxication is destruction of the self. And then I think oh okay, by meat I am harming other living entities. But by intoxication I am harming me and I am also a living entity which belongs to God. So somehow this realization came. So then I said okay, cut, cut. And then I wanted to go. Yeah, I didn't want to somehow go to India because I thought all these hippies are going to India and I just don't want to be part of the like mainstream. Although they are not mainstream but they are kind of still it's like a fashion. And I did, I thought I will go to Portugal because this is the farthest corner of the Europe and it's also a little warm weather so I don't need to worry about so much accommodation and clothes. So I can just sit under palm and whatever falls from palm. I eat and I do my meditation and this is how I'll spend the rest of my life. This is what I thought after university I'll do. And I was already I packed my bag, I didn't take much, I just took maybe one jumper and sleeping bag and that's it. So then I said to my mom, I'm going and she was crying, crying. So nothing could stop me at that time. But on the way I met one boy and I got attracted to him because he was so much speaking about some Yin Yang and Chinese religion and like this. And that time I was very much attracted. I even got one tattoo here from some Chinese things. All these Eastern things were very much like close to me about all this. And then somehow I got. Because I felt I was actually not so much attracted to him in any romantic way, but because I wanted that knowledge what he has. And he had some Hare Krishna friends. And so I told him, please come to me, I'm going to Portugal, come with me. So he left the job and he. But I think he liked me or something. So naturally by traveling together we became like boyfriend and girlfriend. And. Yes. And then we didn't reach Portugal. I think that was the only country in Europe I haven't been. We traveled with him all around. And yes, and then we were doing so many crazy things and everything which is not even so palatable to tell and not necessary. But the point is that I was asking so many questions to him about devotees and this is. And he was replying. And whatever he was saying I immediately applied like, oh, devotees don't drink coffee. Okay, I'm done with coffee in my life. Oh, devotees don't do this, okay. Oh, no chocolate, okay. Everything I was doing. And I think he was just observing how his girlfriend is going. But he was very tolerant. And then at one point, yeah, he started teaching. We reached Alps and we lived in the mountains and it was very secluded place. The first road was two hours by walk away from the place we lived. We had small hut and he was teaching me yoga, like different breathing and asanas. And then I thought, yes. And then my realization came is that this drinking, of course it's done the eating and sex and all these things. It is for the body. But if I am not the body, then I don't need to do these things. So then I wanted to stop eating and I started to do it from fast and like this. And this boyfriend was all tolerating. I was become so skinny and everything. And then he. We were in those Alps and he was not. He was saying he was smoking and doing things, but I wasn't. So then what he did, because he knew devotees. He took one branch of a tree and he cut it in 108 pieces. And he strung the beads and he stitched this bead bag and he gave to me. He said, I think you have to chant the Hare Krishna, then you will become more happy. I think maybe all this, what I was doing for him seemed that I am too getting too much into some kind of tapasya. He said, you will be more happy. And I became a little bit upset. He said, I am not happy now. But I was attracted to this chanting. But at that time also I was little bit influenced on this Mayavadi because, yeah, I read that to practice yoga you need to get a guru. And I'm saying, I'm here in mountains where I will get guru. And then somehow I got this information that for Gyana yoga, you don't need guru. And then I got some Jnana Yoga book and I started to read and all this impersonalism was in my mind. And then now my boyfriend gives me this chanting and I'm chanting, and he says, this is the name of God, of Krishna is the name of God. So you need to chant and call out for him. So I'm sitting in those Alps and I'm chanting and I'm thinking, how is it I am calling name of somebody who is not a person? It was conflicting. That was for me, very conflicting. I could not grasp it like this. And then I thought, okay, maybe chanting is too advanced for me right now. I should maybe do more yoga and get more purified. So I stopped chanting for that, for time being. Because I used to chant like 12 rounds, 1, 2 rounds at that time. So I stopped. But I was carrying always bead bag with me. And still we were living all this type of crazy life like this. So I was still continuing with all my trying to stop eating and everything. And then at one point, we were in France, in Alps at that time. And I felt I need to visit. Yeah, I felt I need to pray to God. This is what I felt very much in my heart. And at the same time also I needed to visit my mother because she was worried so much. Suddenly I went and I'm not telling you. So I went back to my country and I thought, I have to pray, so where shall I go? To church or this? So then I remembered my temple. Yes. And before we left to France, actually, my boyfriend brought me to the temple and he showed me that you have to go through the door. The corridor is not the temple. So he showed me that temple there, and we went there. And then when I visited myself, I went alone to the temple. And then the shift happened. Then they were kirtan. Everyone was dancing and I was dancing. I don't know, somehow or other. And I was just crying. The whole Sunday program, I was crying. And then they gave me prabhupada's garland. And the reason I wanted to pray and I wanted to understand what is matter and what is spirit. Because in that hippie mind to me was what is natural, it is spiritual and all the civilization, it is material. So then I'm thinking, I have my boyfriend, I have my dog, so they are spiritual and all the city is material. So I live in a forest, so my life is spiritual. So like this. But it was confusing, it was not fully satisfying to me and I wanted to find the answer. So then I thought I need to pray and I went to temple and I wanted to find this answer. But I did not find the answer from the lecture or from where. So then I cried this whole kirtan and they gave me Prabhupada's garland. It was something very special. And then I walked out and there was a donation box outside by the exit. And on top of donation box was written every brick. Because they wanted to construct the temple. Every brick in a temple is spiritual. I was thinking, oh, I was wanting to know what is spiritual and what is not. But the building is like human made. So I would think it is a matter of. But now he's seeing every brick in a temple is spiritual. So that made me think. And somehow then the realization comes that anything related to Krishna, to God is spiritual and everything else is material. So somehow. And I had not read any Prabhupada's books or anything yet. But these realizations were coming to me somehow from the heart. So then I left the temple and I still. And then I thought, okay, I have to start again. So I had these beads, although I had not chanted maybe for a couple of years after my first attempt. But I wanted again. So a little bit chanted, but very long I was chanting Japa, like singing Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna, Krishna, something like this. And it took a long time. I chanted like, I don't know, whole day and only five rounds. But to me it was so nice. So anyway, so I chanted and I was continuing with this yoga and I wanted to, because still this old nature and civilization was mixed in my mind. So I wanted to live in the forest. And then I met and I thought because in France, somehow or other we had collected some money because we were on the street making some drama and the people were leaving. So we collected some money. So I thought I'll go to my country because everything is cheaper there. I'll buy forest and I will live in forest and never come out. This was my dream because I wanted just to cut out everything. So I went to investigate where are some forests. And then I met some of my friends and he said, someone donated us the forest and we want to find a person who can live in it. And I'm trying to find the forest. So he said, okay, but we want to test you. Can you actually live in a forest? And that time was winter. And my country is in north and it's very cold, can get -20, -30. And that time when they wanted to test me was a period of that severe. Like Almost every winter, one week is minus 30, minus 25. And like everything is blocked. And that forest was like really very remote. No cars can come because everything is snow, like this high. So they brought me to that house. There was one house and they left me there in that house. And there were some animals, dogs and chicken. And I had to cook for them and feed them. And I had my own dog also. So I left. And I was just in ecstasy in the forest, running and going and walking and always thinking where I will build my house hut like this. And it was so cold that an only source of water was a well. And to get water I had to go down a well. And it was ice, so I had to break the ice. So it was like this, but for me nothing mattered. But why I'm saying all this was because it was so cold. And I was spending so much time beating that ice and like this and in and out of house. And I was not always dressing properly. So I got sick and I got a fever. And then I realized, not realized, but remember that my boyfriend said that when you are having fever you should not do all these yogas and everything. So I was very sad that I cannot perform my sadhana. But then I remembered that he told the devotees don't do yoga because everything is included in the chanting. These words came to my memory. And then I remembered that in my bag still I have these chanting beads that he made. So in that house when I was sick, I took my mala and I started to chant because I had nothing else to do. I was in that forest, so whole day I was chanting. And after this temple visit, I somehow got more and more empowerment. And that was my time when I had not stopped until now in that forest. So when they came and I started to chant and I chanted five rounds. And then I called my boyfriend, I said, look, look, I'm chanting now, I'm chanting five rounds. And he got inspired from me and he chanted. He also said he made bead bag for himself and he also started to chant and then he says, I'm chanting six rounds. And I said okay. Then I'm chanting seven. He said, okay, I'll chant eight. No, I'm chanting nine. So like this we were competing very quickly. We reached 16 and we chanted in 16. So very fast I came back from my country and I was so much happy and with my boyfriend we were always fighting, always arguing. It was like hell actually, that life, you know. But now finally we were so peaceful and so respectful and was thinking, oh, it is so nice to be with him. I never liked to be with him. All this was like a nightmare. But now finally it was so nice and I said, oh, my life so much changed. And it's interesting that he never practiced but he learned because some of his friends were doing this. So he knew all these things. He taught me how to offer food and we were offering this prabhupada pranam mantra and like this. And I'm thinking, okay, I'm doing all these things, I'm chanting and I'm offering food and I'm learning everything from him. But I don't know actually anything. I have not read anything. I don't know. I'm saying is there any book what I could read already after chanting 60 rounds and he said, on a kadashi we have to fast. So we were fasting on a kadishi like this. And then, and then I thought I want to read some books. But I was in France and I don't read French, I don't understand French. So where I will get French? I mean books of my language because everything is in French here. So then I, then my boyfriend said that there is a shop here in this city which sells Russian secondhand books. And in school I learned some Russian because our country, that time when I was born, it was in Soviet Union. So although I was not so good in Russian, but I could read the letters. So I said, okay, let's go to this Russian second hand bookshop, maybe I will find something. And then I went and it was like huge, like in the movies, you know these big book libraries with many, many shelves and like a labyrinth where you can get lost and one old man sitting in a corner. So I'm like looking at this man, I was thinking I will not ask him anything, what this old man will know, you know, in my youthful arrogance. So I will go and find myself. So I'm going and going and going and walking and nothing, I'm finding any. So I stopped and I said, oh my God, I will never find anything. And then I turn my head like this and it's written Science of self realization. I'm like oh, I cannot believe I just stopped here and book is just here. I pull out and Reshrimad Bhagavatam and I took everything and I bought everything and I went and I was just reading and reading and reading. And it was very interesting that by reading this Science of self realization I got the understanding that everything is Maya. We are spirit souls and we have nothing, no relationship with this world. And we are Krishna's eternal associates, Gopis in a spiritual world. And I thought I have to become a Gopi. I don't know anything. But to me it was nothing like Sahajiya or imitation. It was just a really pure thing. I understood that I had to practice very seriously to attain that goal. That was a message what I got. And I was. And then still I could not understand really still what is this Maya? This matter and spirit. It was very difficult for me to understand and I was just praying. I remember we had bicycles and my boyfriend was in front riding and I was back and I was praying and I said I want to understand what is Maya. Because in the book was written that we should not have any Maya. And I said I don't want any Maya, I only want Krishna. But I don't know what is Maya. So please Krishna, tell me what is Maya. I will give up all that is Maya. Remove all what is Maya. And then I was like this and I was going more and more deeper to this thing. And then this boyfriend at one point he said, you know, I cannot continue anymore, I have to go. How? Because everything I had he gave to me. And also in this France when we were. We didn't live a normal life. We just lived like some kind of bohemic life and on the streets and like this. And it was a bit rough, like we said, like a rough living. So I was feeling very insecure now alone. And he said I want to drink alcohol, I want to take drugs, I want to be with my friends. I haven't finished that yet. But you can do, you can go and give my all support to you. And like this he said and he just left. And I couldn't believe. I thought he will come and he's teasing me or something. So I thought okay, go, go, go first I said. But when I. And that night he couldn't, he did not come. So I went quickly to the friend's house and I saw they have some party with intoxication and everyone is like fully like. And then I saw, I said okay, I was doing also this thing. But now I'm too much alienated from this. I cannot. So I came back and I felt like my world has crushed. That everything I had any relation with is like crushed to pieces. Like I have nothing anymore. Nothing. And I was just crying because of some very attachment. I think I feel too sudden at that moment to cut the whole knot. Everything was gone. My boyfriend, my friends, my all support. And I was thinking, wow, I will live now. I was just crying and crying. But somehow this Krishna was there. And I was praying to Krishna, please let him come back to me. I cannot live like this. Come and let him come back. And then I had a pile of paper, empty paper. Somehow I took the pen, I took that paper and I started to write Mahamantra on all this palace. I will write the whole night and you send him back to me. I cannot live like this alone. And then I continued writing and I felt my heart is changing. And I said, why I praying like this? It is very selfish. Send him back to me. It's like demand all I want to pray. Let him continue this nice devotional practice wherever he wants. So I prayed like this. I changed my prayer due course of writing this Maha Mantra. And then the last thing was I understood, oh why am I crying? I prayed to Krishna to show me what is Maya. And now it's all done. I understand all this is Maya, all this boyfriend, all these friends, everything is Maya. And I have to go and join devotees. So finally after all this, I understood that something means joining. I have to join devotees. And I said, yes, yes, I want to join devotees. But I couldn't go just immediately because my dog had 12 puppies. And I was like, with these puppies, you know. So I had to sort out everything, you know, I had to. And then France is such a country. Everyone is mad of dogs. They just see the puppy and they buy and they want to buy. So they were buying from me, those puppies. So I was just selling those puppies and I want to sell them quickly to get the puppies. And then all the puppies are gone. I have a dog. I know I cannot go with a dog. And I gave the dog to my boyfriend, said please take this dog. And I'm going. And I left. And I went to Bhakti Nante manor. Oh yeah. And at that time I had some dreadlocks, like short and standing up like this. And I said, no, like this, I cannot go to the temple. So I shaved my head and I went to the temple with the shaved head and my dirty clothes, because I was not changing clothes. And like this. So I went like this to the manor. And then I saw, okay, I entered the temple room and I'm looking, who should I talk to? So then I noticed one lady and I felt, oh, I should talk to her. She seems very nice. And she actually was a Mataji ashram in charge. I didn't know that. So I said, I want to join. And she looked at me, she was like, okay, like she didn't want to change me because of my look, you know? And she said. But she was also very compassionate. She said, okay, you can for two days only. You don't have space for two days. You can come. Yeah, okay, now I have to make a pause. No, no, you can continue filming. But I forgot one very important thing that before that whole thing happened before I actually took up chanting again. And I went to this forest in the winter and everything. We were living with my boyfriend. One night we found one car which was open. So we slept in that car. And I was sleeping in the car and that abandoned car, car. And I had a dream. And there was a street, like, with a gray. Everything is gray, like a black and white. And I'm walking, but from this side I feel very bright light, like saffron color light. And I look and I'm seeing Prabhupada is sitting there with a harmonium. And he's playing that harmonium. And then he sees me and he stop this harmonium. And he does like this to me. And I start walking towards Prabhupada. And that time I was not. I did not. That was still the thing where I didn't know anything, what to join. And then I woke up. And then I asked my boyfriend, what is the name of this Hare Krishna main guy, the boss of Hare Krishna, what is his name? He said his name is Prabhupada. He said this Prabhupada came to my dream. And he told me like this. I did not even know his name. But he came to my dream. So somehow this dream until now I'm very clearly seeing also Prabhupada was saying something to me, but I cannot remember it. So anyway, so now I am free, Maya is gone and I am joining the temple. And they tell me for two days. And then. And then, yeah, I stayed. And after two days they saw that I am not so dangerous. So they allowed me to stay two more weeks. And then she says two more Weeks you can stay, then you have to go. And then I said, okay, no problem. I'll just sleep outside the temple somewhere. And somehow she read my mind. She said, and you're not allowed to sleep outside the temple. Okay, no problem. I probably will have to go a little farther like this. So then Rathayatra was coming. And actually that was intention of the Tashram leader to keep me, that I have experience of Rathayatra and mercy of Jagannath. She wanted to. She was very merciful to me like this. And she said, if any problems, she I will have to go. But at least till Ratayatra, they will tolerate me. But already they dressed me in a sari and my old clothes went and like this. And they told me I have to grow the hair. And then Guru Maharaj came to temple to Bhaktavanta manor, which I had no clue about anything. And then. Oh yeah, actually it was not. It was Rathayatra came first. So then we all went to Rathayatra. And then one other boy who was a friend of my boyfriend, he was there. So he came to see me on this Rathayatra. So I was walking with him. And then I already kind of senior to him, although I don't know anything at all. And then we are on stage, and there are different sannyasis. And Gurmaj comes on stage, big like this, walks on a stage. And then I talk him. And this is a guru, which I don't know. Anyway, I'm just trying to be cool in front of him. And this is a guru. And now Guru Maharaj is sitting after stage. He's sitting at one place and he's giving the Simha oil for everyone. So then I tell him, okay, let's go to Gur Maharaj. No, I didn't say Gurmarj. I said, let's go to this. Whatever he is, I don't know, Guru. Let's go to him. So we went. He put us in Simha oil. And he asked, so where are you from? I said, I am from Latvia. He said, oh. So because he Latvian people generally understand Russian. So he said in Russian, something, how are you? So I said, I'm fine. And that was it. And then I'm in Bhakta and Amanda again. And now they have service. They have given me service. I remember I was chopping cucumber. I was in kitchen. And now when Prabhupada disciple comes, she was also doing service in kitchen there. Shamasundari Mataji from Mayapur, maybe you know, she lives near Jagannath in this Jagannath area? Yeah, Shamsundari, her name. She. It was her. She told me, Jaipattaka Swami is here, go and see him. I was like, who cares? Because I was so not knowing anything. So I'm just continuing. And she's like a bit of heavy character, so. So she took that cucumber, took my knife, threw it away, said go. I said, okay, I don't mind. I was laughing a little bit. So I. And I was so new I could not even remember where is this room where Gurmej there was live membership room. So I just entered the room and stand there. I don't think even if I pay a basis or anything, I'm just standing. He said, and Gurmais looked at me, so you want something? I said, no, they just told me to come. Okay, you sit. And he said to me, ah, he didn't even say anything to me. He just said to his servant because he had these books to fill in what you want? I pray for you, you're my Shiksha disciple or something like this. So then he said to me, tuna to me to servant give the Russian book. I said, oh, how he remembers me that from all Rafayatr from thousands of thousands of thousands people, someone like me come just for the same oil. And he asked me, where are you from? And he spoke in Russian, how are you? And now even without asking where is that person? He just says, give her the Russian book to fill. And then I was filling in. Of course I had no idea what is even Shiksha disciple or nothing. I was so new. But I ticked the prayer and I was asking what is Shiksha or something. Something. Yeah, Yes. I said, ticked Shiksha tick Shiksha. So I ticked. And since then he was like my hero. I did not want to leave his company whatsoever. And he asked me, so you are staying here. He said to me, ask this question. I said, you know, I don't know. They told me they will keep me if I don't make any trouble. I was like so bold. I said, they will keep me if I don't make any trouble. He said this, then don't make any trouble. He told me like this. And I said this is his first instruction, don't make any trouble. He said, yes. So then don't make any trouble. But he was speaking so freely and I could not feel that I making and everything was very senior. They were like Mother Kulangana there and other seniors. And I was just like this, so loose. And he was adapting this loose mood also. Yeah, that don't make any trouble. So like, so then they kept me, the authorities, they allowed me to stay. And there was Birmingham Rathayatra, Wester Rathayatra. And that's when Gurmaj was also in UK on those Rathayatras. He was always attending at that time when he was walking and everything. Birmingham Molester. So and yeah, and that time especially Lester Birmingham, I don't remember but Lester, that time I was like captivated. He got me there and it was really, to me he was like almost like a Jesus Christ. He was making miracles with me because I was so like a new over enthusiastic Bakhtin. And every kirtan I was just jumping up and down, jumping and you know, spinning and so much so that I hurt my ankle and I couldn't walk. I was limping like this and then I was. Yeah. And before this Rathayatra, Gurmaj told me how everyone does. He said, write to me how I joined. And like, so I wrote that letter to him. And now in this lesser theatre, I am with my leg struggling to walk. And suddenly Guru Maharaj arrives with his big wampers. And he starts leading Kirtan and he's leading this kirtan. And I said, okay, I can't just stand like this. I'll dance. Even if my leg falls down, I'll just dance. And I'm starting my jumping style as I was not dancing, like all devotees nicely, you know, I was just jumping and spinning because I don't know how to dance. Nothing. And then I feel my leg is not hurting. How is this? I could not walk and now I'm dancing and it's not hurting. And then I just continue. So okay, maybe after kirtan will start hurting again. But right now it's not hurting. No problem. I'll dance. Yeah. And then before this dancing, I pay obeisances. And then I just lift my head and Guru Ma's feet, he's just here. Somehow he noticed me in this crowd and he remembered and he came and he. And then I was just so feeling like so special for him. And every time he was passing by, he says, you are very dear to me. You are very dear to me. And somehow he spoiled me. You know, I was thinking now I kind of, this is my, you know, this is what I was expecting, you know, and I just was with him all the time. And now in this kirta and I'm dancing, my leg is not hurting anymore and I'm just spinning. And then Gurmaj comes to me, he says, no, look you have to dance like other girls dance like this. And I'm like looking and okay, and I'm starting to do something like this. So I dance. And then again he, yeah. And then I went on the already last strategy and ending in some park. So I reached that park. And somehow I'm standing in this park. I'm just standing and thinking and thinking. And I kind of went in my own world. And suddenly I woke up from that, my own world. Because Guru Maharaj actually, he hugged me. He had these big wampers. He just like this, you know, woke me up and hugged me like this. He hugged me. He said, I received your letter. I don't think he really remembers me how it is. How it is. It was like a mystery to me. And I felt more and more and more connected. And then another miracle on that day one was my leg. And it's true, it never hurt again after this kirtan. It was just never hurting again. And another thing, how it happened was that because my seva was in kitchen, like I said, it was cucumber or something cutting. So I cut my finger just here where the joint is. And it was never healing because it's always moving. It heals a little bit. And I just move and it opens. And for two weeks, I struggled so much with this. And then I knew that saliva helps to heal. So I was always licking my finger. And I'm sitting in front of Guru Maharaj like this, and I have my finger in my mouth. And Guru Maharaj says, why are you licking your finger? Because I cut and there's not healing. So I am healing. And he says, no, but you know that now your hole is moochi, your finger. He said, moochie, you have to wash your hands. He said, please go and wash your hands. And I'm like starting to look, where is water? It's a park. There are no like water. And then he says to his servant, give me my water bottle. No, he didn't say, like this. He said, give me water. And servant thought maybe that he wants to drink. So he gave him his Maha bottle. And then he gets this bottle. He said, come, come here. So give me your hand. So I give. And he washed my hand with that water. And next day there was nothing there. Like, it was one or two days was like fully healed. So to me, I felt he is really like Jesus Christ. By touching, by looking, he heals the people's physical, you know, illnesses. I was thinking, does this people really exist? Do these people really exist in this world? So like that. And from that I thought, yes, I want this person in my life and I want to be with him. And yeah. And then Birmingham also was Rathayatra. There was so much sun. And I had some, you know, from sun, my skin was moving from my nose. And then he walks, oh, your nose is burned. And he got from his bag or from somewhere from service, I don't know, the sun's cream. And he took this scream and he himself put on my nose. He said, do like this. So then I was like, so like this. I was thinking, he's just like curing my nose, my finger, my feet. So this was my. My first experiences before initiation. And then devotees started to say, initiation, initiation. And I started to become more serious. I felt like I have to now actually really make that decision and I have to clear whatever is. If is there any doubt, I have to remove it. And sometimes devotees were saying something and this and that, and I was like, okay. And then there is some program in Bhaktanta manner. There was Radhanath Swami, Bhakti Charu Swami, and one more Maharaj. Maybe it was actually Guru Maharaj. I think three of them was there. And Radhanathwami is such a wonderful kirtan. And Bhakti Char Maharaj, Bhakti Maharaj is such a kirtan, Radhanath Mahari, such a eloquent Leela. And I'm saying, but our Gurmat is so simple. His speaking is very simple. His kirtan is very simple. Not like others. And I was thinking. And then I thought, so maybe I should choose someone who is making very nice kirtans or giving very nice Leela Katha. Maybe I should choose Radhanath Maharaj or something. And then I was thinking, yes, despite. I mean, it's just external. It is still external how things happen. But that essence that Guru Maharaj is giving, nothing can replace in my heart. So that day I said, yes, I want to request that initiation from him. And like this. And there are so many small, small things which I maybe will take so long time to say. But this was like. Like, I remember one time, it was also in a manner. I was in a. I had a dream that there was him, Gauravarati. And I'm singing Gauravarti and Gurmaraj comes, enters, and as I'm singing Gauravarti, he wants. And he comes and he hugs me. He wants to hug me. And in that dream, I'm thinking, no, no, no, he's a sannyasi. He cannot hug me. So I'm like, And I am escaping. So next morning, and he was visiting manor. Because actually I was very fortunate. I was staying in a manor and he was visiting, like three times a year. And then in Birmingham, he stayed for one year, or, sorry, one week. So I could have so much that time here in Vrindavan, 11 years, he does not come. And I'm like, and here's what I'm not even at that time. Yeah. But anyway, later, when I was really more established, he wasn't giving me so much pampering. I was like, what happened? No, but that time still I wasn't initiating. So he was showing very much care and affection. And he was. So I went to him to tell that dream. This was a dream. And I. You wanted to hug me. And I said, no, I cannot be hugged by you because you are a Sannyasi. And he began, like, why you did not allow me to hug you? And then he said to one little senior, Mataji, make sure I forgot what he said exactly something. She always comes to me. Tell her she should always come to me and not think like this, that she cannot come because I'm a Sannyasi. And all these things were just, like overwhelming my heart and everything. And some other time it was in Mayapur and I was a lot. When I was in uk, my main service was preaching. I was preaching very, very actively and sometimes alone. And sometimes it was very, very difficult because sometimes it's difficult to get a good preaching companion like Mataji, who also wants to travel and like this. So sometimes it was very much difficult. And there was sometimes so much struggling, especially at one period, I was feeling, I'm just going against everything. So. So then I was in Mayapur and Guru Maharaj, at that time, I already initiated and everything. And he saw him. I was near Adha Madhava and in between Panchita, Radha Madhava and Nishimbadeva. He was coming on the wheelchair and I was standing there also. And he stopped and he looked at me. How is your preaching? Very difficult. When I was almost crying, it was really at one point, because so many complaints I was receiving from several people. And I was like, it's very difficult, very difficult. And he became almost like annoyed that I'm complaining, you know, like. And then I understood that he's saying, who said it will be easy? Who says preaching is easy? So then it gave me so. And he almost like chastised me, like, why am I coming here complaining? And they gave me this look. I don't even think he said anything. He Just looked like, why am I complaining? And it gave me so much strength and so much inspiration that, yes, why am I expecting things to be easy? Who said it is going to be easy? And what is my expectations? Like this. So these were some of the interactions. How was your initiation? Yeah, my initiation, my first initiation was in Bhaktanta Manor. And it was very few of us. I don't even think maybe five people, maybe five devotees, something like this, maybe even less. And then Nita Charan Prabhu, who is Birmingham Temple president, I don't know if he's still, but that time he was. He came to me. Ah, okay. I will start from the beginning. Because when I joined the temple, I so much wanted to learn Mridanga. I just so much was attracted to this Mridanga and I wanted to play and Gauravarti. It was like must for me because it's about Mirdanga Madhur Mirdanga Bhaji. And my karmic name starts with M. So I felt maybe Guru Mahraj could give me name Madhur Mrdanga Devi Dasi. He get only first part, Madhuriya Gaurangi. I never asked him this, but somehow he fulfilled my desire. At least the first. Not Merdanga but Madhuriya. So then Nita Charan Prabhu, he came and he said, you want Gaura Lila name or Vrajalila Krishna Lila Gauri, Leela Prabhuji, Both Lilas, I cannot differentiate. So he was pushing. I don't know what he said, but then I think I still could not say one or this? Both. So then that was initiation. I think that yeah, the class was on 10 offenses. Kante Prabhu was giving initiation class. And then Gurmaj, I think because Gurmaj at that time already got his stroke. So he was using minimal movement or classes like this. Now I don't remember. It was 2008. Yes, yes. So 2009 was my initiation. And so then he came down and he gave the name Madhuriya Gaurangi Devidasi. And he said, it means Radharani who created Navadvip. And I said, yes, the boas Leelas are there. So I Haguru Maharaj, so merciful, he asked this Leela or that Leela? I said both. And then he gave Madhuri a Gaurangi. And this Gaurarti work, Madhura is also included. So it was very. Yes. And then first my initiation was supposed to be on some day. And I so much wanted some special day. Some kind of titi I wanted. And then they chose one day and it was just a normal day. And I think it's okay. What can I do? My desire not fulfilled. And then the initiation was cancelled. For what reason? And it was few days after. And then it was Ganga Mata Goswamini's disappearance, I think, or appearance, one of those days. And it was something very special for me because I was very much attracted to that monistic life. So Ganga Mata Goswamini was like my role model in my life since that early, early days of my Krishna consciousness. And when Guru Maharaj gave me initiation on Ganga Matagasma, mean this day, I felt like I'm receiving, receiving her blessings through our Guru Maharaj. And I felt that. So it was very special to me, that connection with Ru Guru Maharaj and Ganga Mata Goswamini. And it just gave me further and further encouragement to live life like this. So I felt that even this desire that I wanted some special day, any special day would satisfy me. But this was like a most special day of my day of my life. That Ganga Bhat Goswamin is titi. So that was my first initiation. And the second initiation was here in Vrindavan. Actually it was a safari yatra. We went one year for Vrindavan, Shiliguri and Gaia. I think you were there also. And that was most probably the last time Gurumaj visited Vrindavan after. This is what devotees say. So I felt amazing that I got in session in that time. But I was very sick. I just was recovering from diarrhea and I had a fever and like vomiting and dizziness. But the yagya, I had to go and receive the Gayatri and everything. So Guru Maharaj was giving. I was giving Bhagavatam class that morning. And after class was supposed to be the Yagya. And this class, I remember it was one fragment. I remember that at the end of class, somebody asked the question, how can you do what you are doing in this condition? How you are able to do? And then Guru Maharaj replied, whatever is left over from my body, whatever is left over from my body, I offer to Srila Prabhupada. And he started to cry. And he was standing like a baby, you know, shaking his body and crying like a baby. And then I felt, I don't know what I even felt. It was just too much for me to understand how he is. So like really he feels like Prabhupada's baby, you know, that it is like everything for him is prabhupada. I'm like this. So then this yagya could not happen after class because I think he had to go to bathroom. And it took like one hour, you know, or more even. Actually, he came back only one o' clock and this yagya was in the temple courtyard and it was so much sun and I had this fever and that nausea and everything. And there was just so much suffering and the fasting until you get Gayatri. But somehow I was sitting there, sitting. And suddenly this yagya happened. And then an announcement comes. At Gayatri, it will be at 6 o' clock in Guru Mahj flat. But until then there will be in Balaram hall will be Guru Puja and cutting of cake. And some singer said, I cannot handle this. I'll just go and sleep until 6 o' clock and then I will come to the Gurmaj flat and I'll get my Gayatri Mantra and I will take some prasad. So then I went at 6 o' clock and nobody's there. And the serum of the Gayatri Mantra. And then someone comes out. I forgot one of the servants. And he says, oh, where were you? Where were you? We were looking for you. I said, what happened? He said, gurmaj, change the timing. The Gayatri Mantra was at three o' clock and now it's six. And you weren't here. I said, yes, because I'm so sick. I was sleeping, I went to room. Okay, then you have to wait. Wait. Gurumaji now is resting and he will wake up, he will do his exercises, then he will eat. So after that, and it took like several hours again. So I was waiting. It was like nine or I think it was maybe ten, maybe. Yeah, maybe nine o'. Clock. And at nine o' clock people just gathered more and more in the flat, more and more. And Gurmaj gave class for one more hour. So I'm just sitting like almost dying from all this fasting and everything. But still I'm very determinant. And then after class, then it was very special. He called me in. He talked very sweetly with me. So I was feeling that it was maybe I had to. Like today, Gurmaj spoke in the hall about some tapasya. So I had to undergo some tapasya to get that special mercy, that special darshan. And Gurmaj was so affectionate. We spoke and then he said, how you will go now home? Because it was 11 o'. Clock, I have to arrange someone to go with you. And so it was very, very sweet. So he gave me this Gayatri mantra. And I remember it was. Yeah, before giving Gayatri mantra, he noticed that one little gap of toilet, door is open, close toilet or something. I felt that it's very special that he wants all that cleanliness be there. And then they position him towards east. He sits towards east and my ear like this. So. So it was my second initiation here in. Was in Vrindavan and then also in Birmingham when I was in living in uk. So I was always trying. I was in ashram, ladies ashram. So I was always trying to get the off, like from ashram services and go to Birmingham and stay there. And then also somehow I was so merciful. It was near Nita Charan Prabhu and Gopi Priya. I forgot now. Gopi Priya. Mataji. Gopi. Sorry, Mataji, I hope you're not hearing this video. Yeah, I forgot. Anyway, the house. And nobody was allowed to stay overnight in that house. But somehow I got this service because I was only one who was able to wake up very early to make juice for Guru Maharaj. And he had to have like 12 juices. Karela juice, Loki juice, celery juice, ginger juice. What else was there? Turmeric, prune water and I think goji berry or something. So many, many, many things. And like small, small, small. So I had to prepare these things. And like this very early morning, the first thing in the morning, he had to do. So anytime he wakes up and he can wake up early. So very early I had to do. And since I was there also. Yeah. And that's why I was allowed to stay in that house. That's why I'm staying with good marriage in the same house. And so every morning I was making these juices and worshiping his ring Shaligram, because I just had gotten Brahman session. So they gave me. And also I was looking after the household ladies. So I was like pujari offering and chilas and like this and the juices. This was myself. So then I was helping also cleaning the kitchen. So it was very nice that I was sleeping down in a hall, like in a living room, in a sitting room and Gurumaj bedroom is just above. And at night I was waking up and I was hearing snoring, Guru Mahj snoring. And I'm thinking how fortunate I can just live under him and hear his snoring. So at that time already when I was serving in that house, Guru Maharaj, I think two or three years I was Coming. And he was not giving me any attention. And then I was asking, I think it was Ekanath Prabhu, maybe Mahabharata, how is this? He was giving me so much care and attention. And now I'm for one week here. And even not one word and I'm actually here. He said yes because he knows that you are well. So I was saying yes, I should not actually disturb him. But one time I felt I want to speak with Guru Maharaj. And please forgive me, I will not tell all the details because some other. But it's not because of my personal thing because some other devotees are involved. And there was something unpleasant happened. And I don't want to embarrass anyone so I won't say all the details. But something happened which I didn't like so much. And not just because of other person but because what's in my heart, how I'm responding. I felt that there is a lust and some anger. And all these Anarthas are in my heart. But that time I had very much affection. Not affection, not a lot. Little attachment to Nithyananda. Lord Nithyananda. And I was asking him questions to Lord Nithyananda. I'm praying. And I was always getting like instant answers. Almost like a dialogue. So then I was thinking, how is it that I am having all this anarthas? Look, something happened and my inner reaction was not at all devotional. It was very low class. But then Nithyananda is so much responding. I would imagine if I can talk with him like this, I am very pure. But if I am honest, I am not. So I wanted to ask this question to Guru Maharaj that how to understand this that Nityananda Prabhu is so much reciprocating and I feel so much close to him. But at the same time I am honestly seeing that I am not on any kind of pure level. So then I asked one servant, please, I want to speak with Guru Maharaj. So okay. So I arranged some timing. I came in and full room of everybody like always. And I said but I. I thought I can't speak about this in front. So I said so. Guru Mahesh said so. But he was like bit in a heavy mood with me. I said oh, I cannot speak in front of everyone. I'm sorry. He said everyone out. I was feeling so sad, so bad, you know that this had to happen. So everyone went out. Only one servant remained for etiquette. And he was doing something on computer. Not so much listening what we talk. So he Gurumajna listened. So I said. I said I am so full and then I am having so much lust in my heart and everything and. But when I speak with Nithyananda, he said, so what is your point? He's asking. He didn't want me to drag on and on. He said, what is your point? I had started to say. I sometimes asked Lord another question and he's replying to me. So maybe it was too sentimental or something. So what is your point? I said, it's kind of like too much kicked me and I was got lost. I said what I wanted to actually say. So then I said, oh, my point is that I am so fallen. But Nithyananda Prabhu reciprocates so much. So I cannot connect these two and I cannot understand how is this. And then he said, lord Nidai's mercy has no limit. And I said, oh Kuzma Raj, thank you, I understand. I said, no, you don't understand anything. He shouted like this to me. I became like this. And then he raised his arms and he started saying and he started to shake like this. And his tears start from his eyes coming. And he started to laugh and cry. And I'm just looking and I cannot understand he's laughing or he's crying or what he's doing. And he's just going like. Like this. And then I think the servants heard or what they run in and he said go out, go out, go out. And I went out. And then Iknath Prabhupada letter came to me. He said, please write down every detail. What did you say to Guru Maharaj that this ecstasy came in him after you left. We put him on a bed and he was rolling and rolling and for half an hour we just could not pacify him. He just went in some kind of way. So then I had written all this very detailed. Though only time have passed, so much I've said very briefly. But that time I had written like this. So I felt that somehow he manifest in front of me this wonderful experience. And he said to me, you don't understand anything. So since then I feel like scared to use the word okay, I understand because Guru Maharaj told me now I don't understand. And he just didn't say you don't understand about Nithyananda. He told me, you don't understand anything. So it means that nothing in this world I just don't understand anything, you know. So but sometimes in some context of conversation I'm forced like a message or somewhere to use the word okay, someone said, you understand? And I have to say, yes, I understand, but I'm. No, I cannot. So then I change to use some synonym. Yeah, I'm getting it or something like this, but not understand. So kind of this word is crossed out of my vocabulary because I cannot under. I don't understand anything, you know, so like this. So I think that was one of the brightest experience in that Birmingham service times with this specific Leela of Guru Maharaj. Other time was he was taking prashads and he likes here. I don't know why nobody is doing it, but there he liked that someone's doing kirtan, doing gurmara Jeets, I think in Mayapur also. One time I remember someone was doing kirtan. I was playing vridanga. So at that time, they also told me, you do kirtan and play Mridanga. And I was like, Hare Krishna. Hare Krishna, you know, like loudest, loudest Mirdanga, the loudest singing. The servant came out and please look. And I did not know that Gurmaj knows that it's me who is singing. I didn't know. So then we went for rathayatra on Birmingham. This was other year. And Gurmaj was eating during the thayatra. And he looks at me. I stand a little farther. He called me and he says, now you take merdanga and you sing louder than a stage. But I was so shocked and also so pleased that actually he knew that it is me, the loud singer. It's me. And now he is trying maybe to pacify my heart and also teach the lesson that you need to know when to sing, when not to sing loud. And I'm going like with this mrjnanga and this Hare Krishna, you know, in that one, he told me, sing louder than a stage. And that time, still I was so foolish, you know, I was so inconsiderate of others and everything. So then the man servant said, calm down. He said, no, Gurmaj is only louder than a stage. He's going more loud. I'm kind of. This is his instruction from me. Louder than a stage. It's so foolish. Things, you know, we do. And then at one point, yeah, I'm going back in time again. Before initiation, before everything. Then I was again, anything happened to me, I'm just writing ogurmaj. I'm learning Mirdanga. Oh, Guru Ma, I'm doing this. And he's replying to me everything, you know, oh, it's very nice. And, oh, I went on Sankirtan today and we did this and then something happened. Oh yeah, and someone was attacking us. Like not attacking him with a gun, but some local boys, like five of them. They were like disturbing us and doing bad things. But not like something like a naughty boys, you know. And so, so I was describing the whole thing and then he writes to me, oh yes, you are like really representing Nithyananda. Going door to door and facing all the troubles. But still very be careful because you're a girl. Don't go unnecessarily in danger. So then I started to tell all devotees, oh, I'm like chatting with Guru Maharaj almost. You know, that time we did not have all these phones, not but with an email and he was replying. Then someone just said, no, you cannot write like this to him. He's busy. And you're just writing. And you're disturbing him like this by writing. And he has to reply to you. You're taking his time. You cannot do like this. That was still those times when he was like pampering me and giving all the attention. And I wrote to Guru Maharaj. Someone told me I should not write to you. Is this really true that you are so busy I cannot write to you? And Guru Mahaj says, no, you write to me if it helps your Krishna consciousness, you write. And then I say, I went to this person. Ghomesh told me I should write. You know, like there's so much argumental spirit. Of course now I'm not writing him anymore. So unnecessarily. Sometimes I write some seva report because I know he likes to read. So he does not reply to seva report, which I accept because he just wants to know what is there to reply. But one thing I want to say is that sometimes devotees may have an impression that Gurmaj has so many disciples and he not have any reply. He doesn't reply, he doesn't communicate. But it's never like this. Whenever there is some kind of important issue or even positive thing, he is always replying personally. And you can see that it is not written by someone else. Sometimes we receive messages from office or someone who said, oh, Guru Maharaj wants to know this, please write. And sometimes he replies like antaryami. Sometimes he replies through other devotees. And okay, but some people may say, oh yeah, but this is just some mystical like this, like this. And one time it happened to me very clear. It was very clear how Guru Mahraj replied to me. Because by nature I have a little. It's okay by nature, somehow I'm trying To improve myself at every step. But I have this feature of little, little sharp tongue. And sometimes in some interaction, some devotee, it will hurt. So then I have to apologize. So when I was in London, I was ashram leader. And because of my little nature like this, many complaints were going on and I was very sad. Nobody actually can imagine how was depressing for me to receive these complaints. Because that sharpness is nothing in my intention. It is just some external feature which I'm trying to control. But sometimes I fail. And so they were still so angry. She's so angry. And the temple present was so much harshly chastising me also. So I was so much regretting and regretting. And I was sitting in my room and crying. And suddenly I'm receiving one message from Nita Charan Prabhu, Birmingham Temple Prison. And he writes to me, and he writes to me, I am in Germany right now. Oh, he said, hare Krishna Mataji, I am in Germany right now in a meeting. And Guru Maharaj is telling you you have not a tinge of anger in your heart. I'm thinking, how is this? I never wrote to anyone. I'm just sitting here and I'm lamenting that I have this Anarta which I don't want. And I'm not one to deal with devotees not nice. But some conditioning is there and I'm trying to overcome. And suddenly Gurmaj is writing. Not even Gurmaj, somebody else is writing. Gurmaj is saying, you have noted anything. It was not like, how can this just happen? How Gurmarj is not replying. You don't even need to write to Guru Maharaj how he replies. What to speak of replying to emails, you don't even need to write an email. When a person has some issue, he is replying from all so many different ways. So like that. And so this message was very big encouragement for me. And it's interesting also how he can he like that time because I had so much. I was always feeling like I'm just falling in some depression because too many complaints were for me. And he wrote to me, you have not the tinge of anger in your heart. And I felt, Lucy, only Guru Maharaj understands. And it felt me so much relief. And then later on, it was actually just recently now here in Vrindavan, I was speaking with our Rama Shakti Mataji, very senior devotee. Because again, like I say, conditioning sometimes come out so someone hear little complain. So I was speaking to her and then I wrote, but you see, but Guru Maharaj Wrote that message very long ago. It was maybe 10 years ago or I don't know how many years ago. I think 10 years ago when that happened. This message, Gurma Raj wrote this message and Rama Shakti Mataji said, yes. But this message means that Gurmaj is telling you that you have to reach such a consciousness that there is not a tinge of anger in your heart. And then I was thinking, this is amazing that in that particular moment it worked to pacify in kind, encourage me. But now when I'm ready, I can actually receive actual lesson. And it really helped me, that lesson. I said, yes, this is what Guru Mahj wants for me. And however difficult it is, I have to do it as my seva for my Guru Maharaj. And to hell with all this conditioning or this or that. You know, like from planets we receive certain natures. What are these planets? You know, Krishna can move the planet how he wants. Guru, the powerful Acharya can move these planets however they want. So now this powerful Acharya is giving me this instruction, not a tinge of anger in my heart. So I have to just smash all these planets and not to think. Because sometimes when we say, oh, it's my conditioning, my conditioning, then we just get stuck in that conditioning. But then when Maryam said, you need to understand this instruction, Gurmaj is telling you to get out of that conditioning. And I feel that this kind of gave me some kind of empowerment, you know, like this. So what to speak of one email for these kind of personalities who are eternal associates of lure. They don't need any email to communicate with their desire. Nevertheless, he also communicates with messages, with emails. I was still in UK and I was in London, but then my health crashed because I was doing so much preaching in a marathon for 10 hours a day, book distribution. I was actually like, I think in the top 10, always in the marathon and the number one of those matajis and so much. And you can see my body is not so like this. But somehow I was too much pushing, pushing, pushing. And I remember that I was not eating until I distributed 50 Bhagavad Gitas like this, very heavy like. But that ruined my full health. I don't regret. I think if I had chance, I would do even more. But anyway, now I have recovered, it's fine. But that time I was so weak that I could not do any seva, any. Two hours little activity and I had to sleep two days. Really? No. Yes. That's what they put me to cook. Raj Bhoga and after Raji Bhoga I was just on the bed till evening and the next day and when I wake up, my full face was like swollen. So I was fully out. All my resources were finished. So then I thought I have to and London Temple. Whoever has been in London Temple, Sower street, it's intense, it's just no privacy, it's just full on mission. And I like that mood. But at one point I got some health issues so I thought I have to take a little break from this. And then with temple present, we arranged that I'm going to one farm, Inishras, which is in Ireland. There was one very, very peaceful place, like there's a lake and forest. So I stayed in that farm. And so this temple president told me, you stay there for half year and you see what you want to do. You want to come back or you want to remain there in the temple. So in that time it was very nice for me and devotees also allowed me to be a little bit easy and the fresh air in comparison to London and all the sabji, the vegetables from garden. So like this era I also was not doing so much active preaching. I was little bit cooking and doing pujari service, but I think a little bit cooking but not Raj Bhoga but smaller offerings which is not so intense. And like this, so small, small things. Maybe some, yeah. Anyway, so like this I was living there. But then something happened in this temple. And here is my message is how Guru Maharaj is replying to the emails. And my feeling always was in the heart. Like I was thinking about this Ganga Mata because my mood was like this. I just wanted to dedicate my life to Krishna without any other involvements. And I didn't want to get married and I wanted to just stay like this. Even before I became devotee, when I was speaking about my boyfriend, everything he was asking to me to his girl, what do you want? What would you like? And I said I wanted to think and really think what I want. And then I told him really the only thing what I want is I want to become a monk, I want to become a nun. So of course he didn't like that answer religion. But somehow I had that calling from within my heart. But in that small temple, in that farm, they wanted very much to establish Varna Ashrama. So they wanted all the girls to get married and they although directly they were not telling okay, you must get married, otherwise something. But there was always little pushing, you know, in the classes and also sometimes personally some of the word Is, oh, you are so demoniac. You don't follow Shastra. So it was at that time I was also like sick. So my mind already was a bit disturbed from that sickness. So and this whole thing comes. So I become a little weak in my mind. And I was like thinking, oh, what am I supposed to do now? And they were just going more and more and everybody was in that mood. Not even one single person. Person was I could talk nicely, could I feel? Like who could feel? Who I could feel can understand me. So then I wrote to my guru, our Guru Maharaj, and I write to him and I said, guru Maharaj, you know, that is the situation here. And I was also becoming so much doubtful. Yeah, I was feeling in Prabhupada's times, you know, like the Mandakini Mataji Prabhupada said, you get married with this Russian boy. And she said, yes, Prabhupada, yes Prabhupada. So and I know, and I was always trying to treat the temple president like representative of Guru. So but I see, what am I supposed to do? So my mind became so bewildered, so I almost started to feel that I should do it. And already I started to adjust my mind. If I get married, this will happen. I will be like this and I will be dressed differently and I will be like that. And so I was trying, I was almost entering that mood, but not fully. But I was just like fully bewildered. And then I wrote to Gurmaraj, that temple president is wanting like this. And what am I supposed to do? I personally don't want, but I also want. I want to be surrendered to authority. I want to be devoted like this Sudhan Kurmaj. Then you do what your temple president says. You follow what your temple president says. Okay? And then I said to my president that Gur Maharaj told that I have to follow what you say, okay, like this. So now we have to find you a boy. And they are starting to think activity now Maduri Goreng is getting married and this and that. And I said, okay, you don't need to find any boy. No need to go around searching. I'm not like crazy like this that you need to so much put endeavor. Because at that time, one Brahmachari was invite in that temple. And I thought, he's a nice quality. I said, I can get married to him because he was responsible person. And I thought that like this, but not because I wanted, but I just accepted that fact. And I was like. And my enthusiasm, everything went, I'm standing on Guru Puja and there is Kevala Bhakti. And I said, what is my Kevala bhakti? I'm opening Bhagavatam, pure devotional service. Surrender to Krishna fully. Give up everything. Now I can't read this book. It's not about me now. So I was starting to be like this, you know. And then I wrote. Then I thought, okay, I have to write to Guru Maharaj and express my feelings. Ah, no, it was not like this. What it was, I think they noticed that I am becoming like this. And I also started. I was saying things, you know, said, you know that this attachment is. It's something like. And then the temple person said, what is this? What are you speaking? Are you wanting to get married or you don't want to get married? You should not speak like this. Anyway, so it was a problem like this. And then I said, somehow I felt, Krishna, please. I went to deities and I prayed, please save me. You know what, I am just like going off. Please save me, save me. And somehow in my heart I went to that person. I said, okay, my condition is. I'm like presenting myself like some big thing is that my husband has to take me out on Sankirtan all the time. And he was a what? No, the wife has to be at home, wife has children, wife has laundry, wife has this. This boy does not want his wife to be like a prostitute going on a street. And I don't remember if they use prostitute or some kind of word similar to it. Like oh no, they use like this. This boy wants his wife to be a chaste woman. So you have to forget about this Sankirtan like this. And I wrote this all to Guru Maharaj. So now I'm saying I. How is Guru Maznathan? First he told me, you follow authority. You see, what is this? One girl from the other side of the world writes about something like this. And immediately, in a very short time, he said, you do what Venpa presents. So now when I write him this Gurmaj replies, I am remembering what he wrote, but maybe some words. But his point was Prabhupada said that woman should not be a slave in the house of a fallen man. So I was thinking how this boy is fallen because he's nice, he's going for mangalarity, he's distributing books, he's doing so much seva and he's so responsible and he's having very nice qualities. But because he could not accept this transcendental position of Sankirtan, Gurmaj Told you should not be a slave of a house of that fallen man. Just this type of thing I'm seeing so deep. Gurmaj is so deep. Fallen is not just someone who is smoking or doing something like this. Someone who cannot accept the transcendental nature of that devotional service. Kurumaraj is such a merciful and so such a vision he has. And then after that he wrote, if he wants. If he wants the wife who does not want bhakti, he can go to Himalayan jungle and maybe he will find somebody there. I think how Gurumraj speaks like that so heavily. Just for this one Sankirtan. If he wants somebody who is not devotional, he should go to foothills of Himalayan jungle. No, to the jungle of Himalayan foothills. Maybe he will find somebody there. Maybe he wrote like this. And I was thinking, okay, this is too heavy. I didn't say this to temple person. I said, okay was too heavy. But then Tamba Prudhri, okay, this marriage is failed. Now you have to get married to some other boy. He's saying like this because this did not match. So you need to go somewhere else. So then I read the Guru Mahaj again. I said, gur Maharaj. And I thought, I have to express this card because this life is not for me. I feel that it is. It's nothing wrong with Grastavi, but it's my. It's not mine. And I wrote this to Guru Maharaj. I wrote to him that I am surrendered to you and your instruction is my breath, my life breath. And whatever you say, I will do even if I have to die. But one last chance I want to take and tell you said, I don't want to get married. And then he wrote to me, oh, okay, if you don't want, then it's fine. I was thinking, I'm going through all these things. And then he said, okay, if you don't want, it's fine. So like this and so like this to one small girl like me. He's having such a detailed conversation with some almost like insignificant matter, meaning insignificant like that almost every day these things happen. Someone getting mad at someone is not getting mad at someone, wants someone doesn't want, you know, so how can someone say that? He's not responding. So like this. So then, yeah, so that one it was. So after all this, somehow I felt I have to leave this temple. And I went. Then I went back to London. And I'm just saying this because there was another communication on the email. And then I somehow wanted so much to worship Shalagram Srila. And it was somebody was giving to me. But then Head Pujari said, no, you have to ask your Guru if you can worship or not. So then I wrote to my Guru Maharaj and everyone was doubtful who will reply to this Gurmaj. It's like, you know, even that Head Pujari who said, you write to him. He said, you write to him, but where is your chance to get a reply, you know? And then I wrote and Guru Maharaj says, yes, and he wrote to me. And then I went to Headpacher. He said, gurmaj told me I have been worshipping. He said he wrote to you? Yes, he wrote. And what Guru Maharaj wrote, he did not just write what he said to me. He said, oh, my dear spiritual daughter Madhuri Gaurangi. He said, recently you had that marriage thing and now you want to worship Shalagram. So I was thinking, it's not just he's writing to me, yes, worship Shalagram. He actually continues that conversation and everything. And then he gave me some instructions, a few instructions about worship, how should I do this? And some concerns also. So then he permitted me to do like this. That's what I got to remember. I think we talk like so, so long time here, but unlimited topic. But I think right now this is what I can recall. All right, Two small things. If you can say maybe how you saw Guru Maharaj in relationship with how. How he treat his God brothers. How is his relationship with the God brothers? And last question is how you you see Guru Maharaj? Okay, one thing I remember, the one that I tell about the long names, long initiation names is that sometimes someone may say, oh, because he has too many disciples, he ran out of short names. So all long names are there. But I'm sharing my personal realization. I'm repeating. It is my personal realization that we know that how ka gets revealed in the heart of devotees is Nama Guna Rupa Lila. Nama Guna Rupa Lila. So my realization is that Guru Maharaj is not just giving Naam. He is giving Guna Rupa and Nila. So this is the highest realization as Leela. So name our God sister. For example, Vana Viharini, Champakalata. It is a whole Leela. The Champakalata is going to Vaan and she is Biharini, you know, walking and wandering in Vahan. So Gurmaji Singh actually giving that name that she is a servant of that Leela, of that Vana Viharini, the Champakalata who has that Guna and Leela of wandering through the forests. Yeah, so like that. So this, like even this girl who came, Vraja Sevini, Vrinda. It's not only Vrinda. It is actually Vrinda who is engaged in Seva of Raja or our God sister Yamuna, Prema Lauryam. It is like the whole Leela, the whole pastime is there. So it's not that the Guru Maharaj gives these names because he ran out of something, but actually it is so deep, his consciousness, his meditation is so deep that it has gone from Nama Guna Rupa to Leela. So he is in this Leela Smarani always. So that's why he's giving names like this. Karuneshwari, Vishnu Priya, Karneshwari Lakshmi Priya. So it's not just any kind of Vishnu Priya name. It is actually describing what is this Vishnu Priya? She is our Bhakti Devi Karun. She is a controller of mercy. She came to assist Mahavrabhu. So you see, just from that one word, you can immediately unfold the whole Leela. And this is what Guru Maharaj wants to give us. So that's actually because he's engaging that Leela Smah always absorbed remembering pastimes of the Word. That's why these names come out of his meditation. So this is my realization why the names are long. The more you deeper in Leela, the more detail you have. So in that name which he gives to Yitzhak, he wants to put the specific detail, a specific detail. That's why it's such a long name. So this is what I wanted to say about the long names. So we should see it like this. And why not? Because that's what advanced devotees do. They are absorbed in, in the pastimes and they just want to describe the Lord with the most detail. And they give name like this. Okay, so his relationship with God brothers, honestly speaking, I don't know much what to say, but I only can say that whatever my impression is is that he's very extremely feels extremely humble in front of his godbrothers and extremely respectful. Because that's what I've been told from the very beginning. He never wants in any of his Vyasa, puja or anything to be like raised above. Oh, he's better than that. He's better than this. That what he doesn't want. And he like, even today in this MBT park, he spoke, but then he offered respect to what's his name? Gopal Krishna Maharaj, another devotee I forgot his name. Sorry for that. So this is what I can see that he is offering so much respect and it is just a natural humility of advance devotee. Like when he gave Krishna Balaram temple class. This time he says I have no taste. But after practicing Krishna consciousness 50 years. 50 years. My heart softened a little bit from reading Chaitanya Charita every time like this. So if a person has such a humility, there is a natural that he will treat everybody with such a great respect. Being himself so much humble like I said. And he said whatever left from my body, I offer it to Srila Prabhupada. So it is just extreme humility. It's extreme humility. So there is not just God brothers to everybody. He just gives full respect. So I guess. And Prabhupada what did you say? Another thing how he is following Srila Prabhupada instructions. Yeah, so yeah, of course we know that he has a list and he tries to fulfill and involve all his disciples to help him him. But not just that even on a daily basis. And I didn't notice it previously but recently I'm noticing this and this is the part of that. What I said that extreme d. Extreme humility. Is that like not they call it utter humility. Yes. And so it's like someone asked him question and he says yeah, I heard in Prabhupada's class like as if he's saying not that some big realization or something. I was just listening Prabhupada's class and Prabhupada said that like anybody asked him a question he would say I was listening to Prabhupada's class and Prabhupada said and then he replies or I read the book Prabhupada's books and in the book was written that. So to me one thing is of course all the big things what he's doing for planetarium and book distribution and all this namah and everything but just on a day to day basis how he's like. Like I was saying, like a child he was crying for Prabhupada. So this is also like a so much like the. Like a transparent medium. Like so much simplicity in his heart. Like a simple. Like a child. Oh, I heard Prabhupada said in the class. So that's not what it is. There's no much more interpretation. Prabhupada said it in kumas and one time I also in regard of this, how for him Prabhupada said Is like he is. There was one time, one Mataji, when she saw Gurmaj, she fainted or Gurmaj touched her with Juggernaut stick or something and she fainted. So later on he called her and she asked, he asked why did you faint? Matiji started to cry and she said, oh, Gurmaj, I don't know Krishna, I don't know Krishna, I don't know Krishna. And Kurmaj's reply was just most amazing. He said, then you need to read Krishna book, you know, like what can be more profound that his simplicity just moves the mountains, you know. So he's a Prabhupada man. So yeah. And then another time in some class there was that somebody asked him how was this that you are associate of Lord Caitanya. Like this, that long ago it was recorded class and he was saying, yeah, I went to that devotee, I forgot his name, who was in front of whom Prabhupada said that. And then I said to him, Prabhupada said, I am associate of Lord Chaitanya. But I don't believe how can it be like this? And that person told him, you should never doubt words of your Guru. So he said like this, I have no commitments, but I should not doubt the words of my words. Something like this also I forgot exactly how it was in class. But it was just like that. He has nothing to say about it. He cannot reply to this question because like this is so simple, just so simple. There is nothing like for him to add or take away. It's just if you want to know Krishna, you read Krishna book. If you want love for Mahaprabhu, you read Chaitanya Charity, Amrita. And Prabhupada said and I just want to say that I'm so grateful actually that you are asked me this interview because actually I don't don't like like this. And maybe I would not agree. It's just order of Rama Shakti Mataji that I must do. She said, they will ask and you must speak. They say like this. But I just want to say that this talking actually strengthened so much my feelings towards Guru Maharaj. It's like I've always felt that I not have any feelings towards him or any kind of like I see all these devotees here are so much attached to Guru Mahaj everything. And I feel like I have nothing. So I feel that these memories gave me a little bit kind of some don't get appreciation Jagurumara Garanda.