The Fastest Way to Earn Trust in Business with Communication Expert Rachel DeAlto #238

Welcome, everybody, to the Unemployable Podcast. I'm Jeff Duden. If you started as a litigator, where you realize success is as much about being relatable as being right, if you pursued a master's degree in psychology and then found yourself on reality TV shows like Married at First Sight and Kate plus Date, and today have delivered three TED Talks, are a renowned keynote speaker, and have authored books on relatability, including the most recent work, the Relatable Leader. Your name can only be the incredible Rachel Dialto. Welcome.

Thank you. That's the coolest intro I think I've ever had.

Really?

That's it. I'm done. I'm leaving?

Well, there's a lot. There's a lot that's not in there because I try to keep it to a certain length. But what an incredible journey you've had.

It has been something. I mean, if you ask my parents, they're like, wait, what does your daughter do? We still have no idea. But it has been a journey, that's for sure.

Yeah. Yeah. So, opening question. Do people today gravitate towards large, shallow networks of people and why today versus previous times?

The answer is yes. We are. We are constantly accumulating. We're accumulating things and people and networks. And it's. It's in part because social media allows that. That's the construct of social media. So even if we're just talking about business networking, we're creating those networks on LinkedIn, we have thousands of quote unquote connections, and yet you don't know half the people. I have people reach out to me on LinkedIn and say, hey, can you introduce me to XYZ? And I'm like, I don't. I don't know XYZ. I just. I have a contact with them.

Isn't that the weirdest thing? It happens. It happened to me this weekend. It's like, don't. Don't you know this person? And I'm like, nah, I don't even know who you're talking about.

It's.

Well, I have 30,000 connections on LinkedIn. You know, I just said, of course you don't. I just said, yeah. I just said, yes, at some point.

Yep. Yeah. And that's. That's the thing. And there are all these. There are these very tertiary connections versus something that's actually substantial enough to make an impact on your life or your business. And so back in the day, you know, wow, I sound. I sound like, get off my lawn right there. But, yeah, back in the day, you actually had to go out and talk to people. You had to build real connections. You know, I think about my dad, and he was a huge part of the Rotary Club, and that was. That was an enormous impact for our local communities. As you join the Rotary Club, you. You meet the people, you. You actually make relationships happen face to face. And where now that's just not. Not what we're spending most of our time doing. And, And I do the same thing, yet I, you know, I think there is a value to. To really deepening as many of those as possible.

I was listening to a podcast a few weeks ago, and it was a popular psychologist on there, and he said, I'm going to say something that's very unpopular right now. Kids need to drink more. And they. It used to be where you were young and you would go out to different places and you would drink a couple of beers, and that would be a lubricant for you to have a conversation. And you didn't have your phone out and was peering deeply into it. You were talking with people. And he said, people have gotten so disconnected in the way, and it's so easy to meet somebody online or just, you know, you feel connected because you're DMing somebody or you're posting something, but it's not real connection in a lot of situations. And he said, look, I understand that, you know, that's an unpopular take, but what's happening if you're a young person and that's putting you out in a group of people that are having some sort of a common activity, and it's better than sitting in your basement.

Yeah. And I. Listen, I'm. I have no problem with partaking, but, you know, there's. There's so many other ways that we can go out and be social too. I think, you know, he's making a really good point of get out of your house, you know, get off of your phone, find some sort of way to connect with people. And if it's not at a bar, then go bowling. You know, go find something to do that requires you to be amongst human beings. Beings. And, and that's definitely something we've fallen away from. And, and you see it even it's part of the issue that I have. I understand that we can be very efficient working from home and hybrid, but we have to be amongst people. The data shows time and time again, the people that get promoted are still the people that have FaceTime. And so there's still a value there. You have to be front, front and center of people. And, and that's. That's how you're going to build those relationships, especially from a professional standpoint.

I found it very interesting, your focus on relatability, because it's something that I've identified over the course of my career is. I mean, it's a little more. It's a deeper than saying you need to be somebody that people know like and trust. It's more, how do you make people feel within the first 10 seconds of them getting to know you? Do you smile? Are you warm? Are your eyes sincere? Are you clearly interested in them? You're not overlooking them, you're not busy, you're not bothered, you're present. It wraps up all of these. Of these things. When did you first realize that relatability could be a superpower and was critical in people's success?

Yeah, I. I remember it. It's such a bizarre thing because I. I wasn't looking for it, and it was one of those things that kind of was as handed to me by the universe or someone, but it was around 2019, actually, 2018. That's a lie. So I was on. You might have mentioned, I was on reality television. So I was on a show called Married at First Sight, and I was one of the experts on that show for two seasons. Please don't judge me. And I left the show, and when I left the show, you know, we would just get tons and tons of messages from fans saying, why did you leave? You were such a relatable expert. And I didn't understand what that meant at the time because I'd never thought about relatability as a trait or some sort of state that would be helpful for people. And I didn't understand why they felt that way because I was literally just a talking head on television. And so I started to study it. And that's really, because, I'm telling you, Jeff, it was thousands of messages and. And probably 60 to 70% of them use the same word. And I was like, well, there's something here that's really inspiring people to say, where's this person going? You know, I'm going to miss this person. I'm like, no, you're not. There's plenty of drama to come. But it really allowed me to open my eyes to say, oh, relatability is something. This is something that people can do and learn and really be beneficial to whatever relationship you're. You're looking to build.

What was the premise of the show?

It is, for those who are blessedly unfamiliar, it is two strangers who are getting Paired by experts. Meet and marry sight unseen. So quite literally binding marriages at the altar. You finally meet your person, you say, I do. And then the cameras. In my seasons, we think we followed for about six weeks. And then at the end of those six weeks, they choose whether to stay together or get a divorce.

Was there a prenup involved here?

No, I actually, I think some people could. It wasn't included, I don't believe, within the show. Yeah. I didn't have any sort of. I'm sure there was some sort of general agreement. I would imagine so. But it's funny, even coming from a law background, I stayed so far away from any of the legalities of the show.

Okay.

But I would imagine. I know it was legal marriages, but I don't know exactly the contracts that they signed or any sort of prenups, but that would make sense.

Yeah. I mean, I think in some states there's a time period that you can just get a no fault annulment. I don't know if it's like buying a car. If it's like three days.

You get three days.

You get three days, you get six weeks.

Yeah.

This is a Miss Vegas. It's a little longer. Right. Because things.

What happens in Vegas stays there for at least six weeks.

At least six weeks. So. But I, you know, it's. It's. Man, I think there's some. Well, I would hope the show would do background checks and figure out who these people are. Make sure that it's number one. Safe.

Yeah. I mean, listen, it's in. I don't even know what season. It's gotta be close to 16, 17. So I was on seasons four and five. So it was still on. It's still on. It just moved over to Peacock, but it's still on. It's. It's been in most major cities. I actually. So one of the couples that I matched in the season five, which was Chicago, they're still married, they have two kids, they're very happy. They're amazing. And it doesn't. Doesn't mean that it's probably the right method for everyone to go out and find love, but it has worked for several couples.

Yeah. I think while we're at about a 50% divorce rate in the country. So what was the hit rate on the show?

You know what? I don't know for, like the overall, but I know there are probably five or six couples that are still together. I know first season, one of the couples is still together to this day, and that was back in 2013.

14 yeah, look, it's not a bad method. Maybe we should institutionalize it, because, look, if half of them are going to fail anyway, clearly people are not making good choices. So you might as well just throw some people together, and you probably get about the same hit rate.

Yeah, there's definitely. There's an argument for it. I mean, I wouldn't sign my kids up for it, but. No, no, I think it's an interesting concept, and I think when you look at the people that have made it, it's the mindset going into it, you know, and really understanding this is what I want, and this is a good human being in front of me, and I'm gonna try to make it work on the show.

Were you. How were you billed out as a psychologist?

I was actually. No, because I have a master's in psychology, so I have a background in psychology, but I think I was billed as a coach or some sort of more generic term.

So you had. You had. Talk me through you. You went to. Where'd you go to law school?

I went to Seton Hall. Okay, so here in New Jersey. Yep.

So, all right. And then when you. And then when you were getting out, did you clerk? Did you do. How did you. How did you get into litigation?

I did, actually. So it was. It was interesting. I was a summer associate when I was in law school. Worked for a lovely, you know, fancy firm. They offered me a job in the corporate department that honestly made me want to quit law altogether. When I was doing that, I was like, I can't do this for the rest of my life. I need to go become something else. I don't know what that is, but we're going to figure this out. And so I ended up pursuing a clerkship last minute because I said, okay, give me some sort of. Because this isn't going to make sense for my life. And I ended up being a law clerk in the superior court in New Jersey. Loved it. I loved the court. To me, I don't know, maybe it's like my theater background came to life, or I was like, wow, people are on stage here. This is fun. There's some theatrics and stuff. Sometimes there was some serious theatrics in that courthouse, and so that's what made me fall in love with litigation. So I ended up going to a firm after that and started doing trial work and really did enjoy it. I thought that that was going to be the rest of my life. I thought. At this point, I'm like, you know, Sometime in my 40s, I'm going to try to get a judgeship and call it a day.

Right.

Get a nice pension. Jeff, what did I do? Yeah, I did none of that.

You'd be out by now.

Yeah, I would be. I'd be sitting bon bons and having health insurance, you know, through the state.

Well, it's like when people say, you know, it's like, man, I thought about when I was 20, robbing a bank. I didn't, but if I did and got caught, I'd be out by now.

Yeah, yeah, it's too late now, but.

Too late now to start over.

Well, I'm not meant for jail, Jeff. I watch all the shows.

No, I'm gonna try to stay out of there if I can. I'll visit. I'll visit and do some coaching or speaking.

There you go.

Yeah, I do have a coffee table book that I do want to go into, get prisoners to help me write. It's called Pros and Cons. You know, poem inmates.

Oh my gosh, that's awesome.

Isn't that a great title?

That is a great. That is a great title. I love that it's a coffee table book too, because what a conversation piece.

I know.

Yeah.

Jen, we need to edit that out because I don't want that idea to get out there. I've been sitting that for 15 years. It ain't going anywhere. It ain't going anywhere.

All right. I had faith in you.

Well, if I do end up going to jail, then that could be. That'll be my first project.

Everybody needs a project. I've heard. You have to. You have to keep your mind busy. That's what I learned on Mayor Kingston.

You do? Well, so my daughter is wrapping up law school and she is going to. She's wrapping up law school in New York. She will be working for a big firm. Like you said, the corporate stuff. She's gonna do corporate tax law. All right, she did do it, but she did a clerkship this semester and she loved it. Yeah, loved it.

It's a cool experience. That is. That is awesome. And you know what? Even though I just kind of poo pooed corporate law, there's a lot of people that I'm friends with that have been in it since I was a law clerk and that love it. And it just. You gotta find there's so many different elements. Well, there's so many, as you are aware. There's so many paths in this world that you. You're gonna find something that fits you. And that's. That's really the Key to everything.

So you left law, you pursued the master's degree in psychology, all now you're on reality TV working as an impromptu marriage coach. Yes.

That was unintentional too, though.

Well, sometimes you just gotta go with it.

Yes. I was like, wait, you guys are gonna do my hair and makeup? Of course. I would love to do this.

So you are unemployable. You're on the right show. Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you.

We found you the namesake of the show, but then you started putting together pieces, which is one of the things I like having a varied life. I've had many, many seasons to my life, and they don't always seem to have always gone together, but you start connecting dots. And one of the dots that you connected was that you had a lot to offer, that you realized that there was commonalities between all the fields that you've been in, and you created a body of work around relatability. How did that happen?

It was kind of just a combination of everything, because in the in between as well, I was a startup found. So I left law because I created a startup company in the dating space. And that's kind of how I got into the relationship space, because started this company, it raised about $2 million really quickly in a private placement, started getting a ton of. Of. Of media hits, and I started appearing on TV around it and talking about relationships and dating and communication. And so that all started probably back in 2010. And then I. That. That body of work continued to grow, and I kept on trying to understand more and learn more and go back and study more. And so it really was just this moment in time where I realized that tv, while really fun, and I do love television, it's a. It's a really good time, is probably one of the least stable professions you could ever get into. And you have zero control. Even as a producer, you would have zero control. And so I needed some more consistency and impact. And so that's really what led me to becoming more of a speaker and an author and really redirecting focus based on what I had already experienced.

What happened with the dating site?

Oh, it failed terribly.

Did it?

It was. Yeah, my gosh, it was an online offline kind of idea for dating that was really novel at the time. I'm telling you. We had. We were on the front page of the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Oprah called. You know, it was really novel. But then about three months after we launched, all the apps launched, which obviously we had no idea because it was embargoed. And so all of a sudden we are completely obs, like absolutely dead in the water because we would never be able to compete with what technology they had already established and patented.

Yeah, it's, there's, you know, you have all these spaces. Well, AI is one right now.

Yeah.

And I've seen companies come in. In the last 12 months. I've seen companies come, they have this great tool. You, you get the ability to book a appointment on your website or something like that. Then you find out that it's two people in their bedroom that created this app using AI or whatever. And then the big players come in and had the CEO of Go High Level, which is a really fast growing CRM on the website, and Sean and, and he basically said, look, AI is going to be just like any other utility. We use it to improve our product. You get all of the things that come with it. We're not going to charge you extra for it. We're just going to use it like another tool to deliver a better product. And he goes, that's where it's going to shake out. I mean, you know, there'll be a couple of winners that make a billion dollars in a few different ways. He said, but at the end of the day, all of this stuff is just going to be incorporated into the products that you already use by the big companies. And, and at that point, you don't need a separate, you know, you don't need 11 separate little AI companies that do a single modality of some piece of workflow or something like that. So that gave me a little comfort because I don't know about you, but being an entrepreneur like you are, you probably feel like you miss a lot of boats. I, I had a dating site also. It was for helping people actually decouple. It was called Unhinged, but it didn't.

And then like Unhinged could go into the con book.

It didn't go any.

You become Unhinged, you could end up in jail. I like it. There's a lot of cross collaboration here.

There is. It went nowhere, but absolutely nowhere. How did you land your TED talks? Because they're really good. I listened to them this morning.

Oh, my gosh. Well, I hope you didn't watch the first one because it was the first public speaking I'd ever done in my life, which was. You did. Oh, wow. That's. I didn't even know. So I'm trying to think back to the very, very first one. So I had a friend who was from Syracuse University, was where I did my undergrad who was like, hey, I think you could do this. Because I had done a little bit of tv. I hadn't done merit at first sight or anything, but I was doing a ton of. And national, just as a. As an expert. And she's like, I think you should talk. I'm like, I think I'm talking already. And so she recommended me for the first TEDx. The second one I saw was at Syracuse, and I was, you know, just wanted to go visit and, you know, see my alma mater. So I did that one. And both of those were just things I did. One on kindness and one on fear. And it was just things I was thinking about. It was, you know, just an idea because I didn't realize what they meant, and I didn't understand that there was so much power to them. And then by the time I got to the third one, which was in 2019, that was the one where I was. I was like, no, this is part of my message. And so I applied for that one, and they did some screening and auditions and things like that. And so it was a. It was a bit of a process on that third one.

You're a risk taker. How did you develop your relationship with risk and being fearless?

Uh, you know, it's funny, I would never identify myself as a risk taker until you look at my life. And then I was like, oh, yeah, I think I need to balance potential outcomes and safety nets with my risks. Oh, you know, it's funny, I think about it in terms of even just gambling. So I do like to play blackjack. My husband and I mentioned before we started, we went to Atlantic City this last weekend, which we probably do, I don't know, a couple times a year. We live in Jersey and we play blackjack. And the way I play blackjack is slow and steady until I have. I've already gotten whatever my investment is back, and then I hide that from myself, and then I get as risky as I want. So I play with the gains. I. And I think I do that with my life too, because I have to have some sort of level of fail safe so that I make sure that I. I'm not. I'm not risking everything. I have some sort of backing, and then once I have that backing, I'm like, oh, let it go. Let's go all in.

Yeah. Risk the upside. Well, most entrepreneurs would say, I don't believe I'm a risk taker because I believe in what I'm doing. And then when you. When you retrospectively look at it. You're like, oh, that was, that was.

So like, I had a job.

Yeah.

Probably as a lawyer. I probably would still have a job.

Yeah. Well, you're like, oh, you want to give me $2 million to build this app? Sure. Yeah, sure, I'll take it.

Yeah. I was like, I don't know. It sounded good at the time.

We're in the franchise space.

Yes.

We have people that come from all walks of life. They now find themselves in a brandy new business that they may or may not have any experience in. They have to be the face of their business in the community. Because if you think about all the great service businesses in your community who you call to do the stuff around your house, they were referred by somebody or you've seen them driving around. But more often than not, those people are kind of pillars in their service community. So the H Vac guy knows who the best electricians are and the roofers are. And they all, they find themselves at the same charity events. They really make themselves visible and important to the communities within with, within which they operate. And that's important because they've got to recruit people, hire people. People need to refer them. They need a good reputation. They need five star reviews. So it has a business intent to it. What would you say to somebody to help them be more relatable if they're a first time entrepreneur? They're coming into New Jersey to open up a fencing business and they need to become known in the commun. They're important for them as somebody that does a good job but also is known, liked and trusted.

Sure. You know, I think there's, we talked about, you know, again before we got on. I have a, I have a framework called Connect, Communicate. Inspire is really the, the foundation of relatability. What I believe is going to make anyone relatable. And I would follow that. And honestly, in that case, I would probably start with Inspire is, you know, we want to be a lighthouse. We want to bring people in. And, and what you just said before is exactly that. Most people become entrepreneurs and they don't think they're risk takers because they believe in what they do. And you have to believe in what you, the service that you provide. Whether, you know, if you're a fencing company or if you're doing kitchens and baths or windows and siding or whatever, whatever those elements are that you're providing. This is something that people need. And that's the difference. You don't come in as a salesperson, then you come in as somebody who's looking to connect, to help people to make an impact. And that's the inspire section is what is my purpose? What am I doing? What is the reason why I got into this business and I got into this field? And so when you are lit up from that inside idea, then all of a sudden it makes it easier to start making those connections. And we work backwards to connect and communicate is really, how am I showing up as me? You know, no, like. And trust isn't because you're a great salesperson and you had, you know, the best tagline. It's because you are a real human being. And you show that you cared about me and you showed that I can. That I'm consistent in the way that I show up. And my words match my actions, my services match my promise. And so that's kind of the, I think the secret sauce. But you start with, why do you do what you do? You know, why did you get into this and how are you helping people?

Do you have any tips and tricks for immediate connection?

Yeah, I mean, it comes back to basics. It's a funny thing. I've never pretended to be reinventing the wheel over here.

Sure.

But you think about. I oftentimes think about, you know, when you are with someone, what drew you to them? And sometimes modeling and just being aware of how people are showing up in a way that makes you feel good and makes you want to connect with them. And it's things like I contact. It's things like a smile. It's things like curiosity, I think is one of the most undervalued ways of making people feel connected to you. Immediately get curious about the person in front of you, because I'm sure you've seen this, but a million times, you end up in conversations, and people just want to talk about themselves. Well, that is the worst way to connect with someone.

That's why I talk to myself so much. Yes, I fall immediately in love.

See, that works really well within ourselves. But, man, when you were in a situation, I've walked away with so many conversations like, holy crap, we just talked for an hour, and they know nothing about me. Didn't ask one question. So if you are an introvert and you're looking to really start to make connections, ask some questions of people and then give.

Isn't that the goal? Okay, so my. So when I. My goal in any conversation. Okay, so I'll share a situation from this week. This weekend, I was in New York. I'm at a restaurant. I have family with me. Guy. We're in A tight little new. You know, the places in New York a little tight little. You know, you get in and it's. There's 11 tables in there, and it's obnoxious because you had to wait 30 days to get into this place and blah, blah, blah, right? So you. But these little tables, and you're there, and this guy's next to me, and he said. He leans over. Name's Matt. If you're listening. Don't doubt you. I know Matt's. You know how I know Matt's not listening? Because he didn't get one bit of information on me. So he looks over and he says, and I had the chicken schnitzel, all right? I was partying a little bit. And he says. He just leans over. He says, are those fries good? I looked at him and I took a fry and I just held it and I gave it to him, this stranger, right? And he looked at the fry, he took it, and he ate it. Okay.

All right.

And he had just come from a office party, and he had his. His. There was three or four. He had his girlfriend with him. He was probably my age. He's, you know, he's his girlfriend and a couple other co workers there, and they had drank wine at their annual holiday party and all this stuff. So he's like, I got about $4,000 of wine in me, he said. And so he was. So. But we ended up talking for probably 15 minutes, and, you know, our party engaged him. His party didn't engage us. But when I leave a trans interaction like that, my goal is that I know a hundred times more about them than they know about me. And even to the point where I. I don't even give them airspace to ask a question. And my game is, can I skillfully make them comfortable by little prompts and things like that, just to get them to, you know, talk about. Because then they. Or if I go to a dinner party and I meet two or three new couples or whatever, and the whole thing would be to learn as much about them as I can, but to deflect about myself and. And at the end of the day, part of it is I'm complicated in the businesses that I do and what I've done and all that, and I really just don't want to go into it, you know what I mean?

It's like, oh, I tell people I'm a lawyer all the time.

I've heard it, you know, Like, I've heard it, so it's not that interesting to me. But what I do find is that as long as you don't come off as deflecting or dismissive, that I think generally it really increases your relatability factor. So, I mean, people talking about themselves to me is a good thing. Now if I am at a business setting where I'm looking for clients or, you know, I recently launched a mastermind, I'm looking for something, then you have to tell people what you know, what you're doing. But it's structured. It's a structured 30 second or three minute, depending on what the situation is there. But yeah, curiosity is one of the connection tools else that rises to the level. Or anything else about curiosity that you coach people or when you're given a keynote, you. You tell people that they should consider.

Doing, well, exactly what you're talking about doing, which is intentional. Intentionality and being intentional in how you approach those situations. Because the fact is most people don't have an intention before they're engaging with someone else. You know, it doesn't sound like you're dining. You know, sidecar guys were really intentional about anything because they were just having a good night. But that's right, there's a way. Yeah, I'm sure. But I'm sure if someone said, oh, how was your week in New York? You know, that's a fond moment of like, oh, we met these amazing people at dinner. But when we are going into those situations where you do have an intention or you do have some sort of goal attached to it, I see it all the time where people just show up thinking, I'm just gonna wing it, or I'm just gonna, I'm gonna, you know, just go connect with people. But have an intention about what you're looking to do. Have an intention about what, how you're looking to show up. And so which is exactly what you're saying is, is really being intentional about making sure that you know so much more about them than they do about you. But it could be something as, you know, as simple as I wanna. I wanna make connections with three people, but I want them to be real. And so when we have some sort of this element in the back of our head because we are so on autopilot and everybody has kind of their, their standard way of being in any sort of social event or networking event. But if you actually say to yourself, okay, this is my intention for this, it becomes really much more a conscious act versus let me just let my subconscious run this entire situation.

Interesting. So my philosophy that I share with anybody who actually cares to listen, but our Franchisees or young people, business people, is when I'll go to a conference and let's say there's 600 people there, my goal is always. Whether it's 60 people or 600, my goal is always the same. I want to make a deep connection with. With six to eight people. So what that forces you to do is it forces you to lock in and be present and not just, like, shake somebody's hand and maybe, you know, back in the day, shove a business card in it or do the phone bump now and, you know, and then just move on and not even remember who this person was. It's a little bit longer strategy, but, like, why would you just touch somebody on the surface and not get to really understand who they are, where they're from, any of that kind of thing? And for me, it's just a natural curiosity. It really is. I just. I'm naturally interested. Anytime I learn something about something, I find that interest. Oh, you went to Seton hall, and how did you get there? You know, and so I. And this is. I. I think I recently had a guest that basically said, don't do this. But this is what I do. I use something called the Tiberius Success Formula, which this guy, Boaz Rashwerger, I think was his name. He was a consultant speaker. And it's these five questions, and it's like, the first one is, where are you from originally? And. And then the second is, you know, do you still have family there? And the third one is, how did you get from there to here, wherever you are now? So think about like that. Just that. That I never get past that. There's, like, two more questions. But if I asked you where you're from originally, you would say, oh, well, you know, my parents are from here, and then we move there, and that's where I was born. And then I've got the sister or the. Whatever's going on. And then so now there's, like, this story, and they say, oh, and if they didn't bring up their. Do you have family there? Yeah, we've got this and that, and they're spread out, and I've got two brothers, and they're out in California. And now you've got more of the mosaic is getting filled in. And then it's, well, how did you get. How did you get here? And now they tell you their whole journey. I joined the Navy, and then I was stationed over here, and then I went over here, and I got into electronics, and then I found my way to this. Whatever it is, and it's just at the end of the day, man, like those three little prompts, you've just learned so much about them. You were attentively listening. There's. Now you're connecting. Oh, man. Yeah, me too. I love the Bears. Chicago Bears. I'm a Chicago Bears fan, too. Now you have these little connection points along the way. And by the way, I'm a introvert. Like, a hard introvert. So for me to talk at a conference to 50 people, I will be dead on the floor. Like, my battery will be zero. You know, it takes so much energy to do that. So it's an energy conservation strategy to make the other person do the work. You can sit back and be curious and learn and then don't get in a hurry. Don't just move on to the next person. How many times have you looked past somebody thinking that the other person was the important person that you needed to talk to or get to, and you realize that you just trampled over the person that you really needed to talk to.

To.

Because we can either buy appearances or clothes or just they're, you know, you're going to make a snap decision about who the power player in any group of four or five people are and who you think you might need to talk to. Huge mistake. Huge mistake. So anyway, that was.

Well, I don't know, but I love what you just said because you gave a number to it. And the beauty of that, too, is if you say six to eight and you're on number four, you're like, okay, I got, I got two more people to meet at least. And so it keeps you on track. I think, I think that's brilliant. And, you know, you're getting origin stories and you're getting deeper and more connected to people. And I always talk about, I'm sure, you know, you and listeners have seen that. 36 questions to fall in Love. The New York Times did a huge thing on probably like five, ten years ago, but it's from this 1999 study where they, the scientists weren't looking to make people fall in love. They were looking to make people connect. And what they found is that there was these 36 questions of deepening, more intimate questions about their lives and experiences that allowed you to get to know each other. And to me, it's a, you know, pull some of those first questions out and all of a sudden you start to understand people and you make them feel like they're seen and heard and you feel more connected to them.

Talk to me about respect. This has become a huge issue for me later in life. What is? You talk about respect in your book the Relatable Leader.

Yep.

Unpack that for us.

So I didn't even think about respect. I mean, not, not that I didn't think about it at all, but I think it's, I always say respect is like error. It's something you don't even think about until it's not there, and then it's all you can think about. But I did my own proprietary research when I started writing Relatable Leader because I believed that there was a disconnect between what teams were looking for and what leaders thought that they were needing. And it's because there's so much thought leadership. I know you're exposed to this as well, is, you know, there's, there's all this thought leadership around leadership and how you should show up and what you should focus on. And I felt like we were missing the mark. And in some ways we were, but it was actually not in the way I believed. When I did my research, the top trait that people were looking for from their leaders was respect. And what I find is that there's a negativity bias. We don't say what we're looking for because we have it. We say what we're looking for because we don't have it, because it's missing. And so if I ask all these people, what are you looking for in a leader, they think about the worst case situations and all of the things that are lacking. And so when respect was at the top, I was like, wait a second, I thought that was a given. You know, I, I was under the impression that most people understood that their teams needed respect and were providing at least a baseline of it. And so that's what I, what I recognize is we have missed the mark. We're trying to build a house on a foundation that's not there. And so really going back and understanding what is respect and how do I show people that I respect them? And there's a quote in my book, and it's something I share in every keynote that I give on leadership. It's based on a study that used this phra. Respect is the manifestation and believing another person has value and to me is, it gives me goosebumps because I'm like, wow, first of all, how, how sad it is that we have to define something that shows that we're not, we're not showing people they are valuable in any way, just as an. In their existence. But also I, I think of it from a framework of if you listen to nothing else that we've talked about, but you go out and you show people and you have. You show people that they have value to you, everything starts to shift.

Yeah. Yeah. Respect in relationships is everything. And I think in your work, once there's a pattern of disrespect between two people, how does that tend to erode the relationship? And maybe this goes back to your dating and your marriage days or things like that, but I also think it can happen in the corporate setting. It can happen with mentors. It can happen with friends. Yeah.

So, yeah, it requires a massive reset button, and it requires intentionality and a desire. And we see this, you know, if we take it from personal relationships first. You see, when people start to lose respect in a relationship, you see it within, you know, whether it's spouses or friendships, and it's because of the way that they show up, and this person is no longer valuable to them in that relationship. And so there has to be a reset of, this is what I need, and can you give me what I need? And can we reset how we show up here so that that comes back? And sometimes it doesn't, and sometimes, you know, that that requires, you know, a reset of the relationship or an ending of the relationship. I think it's different in. In professional settings. You know, a lot of times when I really dove into respect from the standpoint of the team is, you know, they're being treated as if they don't matter. They're being treated as if they're just a pawn in the game versus an asset. And that's the difference from the professional side is how do we make sure that everybody in your entire tree of your organization feels like they're making an impact? And that's really on the leadership. To show people that they make a.

Difference, you really have to pay attention.

Yeah.

Whether it be in personal relationships or business relationships, do men and women have the ability to reset differently?

I believe. I mean, I think everybody's unique in that situation. I think men and women approach things differently, that we value things differently. You know, it's. It's something they came up to in the research where, you know, one of the things we hear a lot about leadership is that we have to be authentic. And I truly believe that authenticity is, you know, it's. It's been shown time and time again of being really important. But women didn't even have it in the top 10 of traits that they were looking for, but men had it as the top three. And so, you know, it's it's recognizing the differences of what people need and want. And that's where that reset would be different, is if you're not feeling like you have the right relationship and you're working with a male counterpart, you'd be like, okay, so authenticity is something I have to focus on because that's part of the level of where, you know, they're gonna respect me more, they're gonna trust me more, they're gonna be more impacted by my leadership if I am more authentic and real. Because the dynamic is different because of what they're searching for from leadership.

What are we intentionally or unintentionally telegraphing to people based on how long it takes us to respond to them?

Well, it goes back to whether or not we respect them, whether or not they matter to us. Because, you know, if. If there's something that you think is a fire, you know, and it's something you have to respond to immediately, it's because the impact of not responding is detrimental to you. Right. You have something where it's. This is a problem. But guess what? If I. Somebody doesn't matter to me, then it doesn't matter when I respond.

Right. That's a. I think people make that mistake.

Yeah.

You just. You see a message come in and you just rank it, like, how important it is that I respond to this.

Right now and I get to listen. I'm the queen of. Someone will send me a text message and I'll respond at like, three in the morning in my head. And so I'm not saying there are definitely times where your life gets in the way, but. But there's also those moments where you're like, wait, no, I responded to the ones above that because I knew the impact was more significant for me.

Yeah. We try to adhere to a sunset rule, respond to all messages before sunset. And even if it's just an acknowledgement. But I. And I'm an early riser. So there are people that get text messages from me at 4:30 in the morning because I'm clearing up yesterday's misses.

Yeah. And get that, though. And again, you know, there's nuances to every. Every situation. But I think if there is, because I view it from the standpoint of I want to. I want to take care of our teams. And I think that that's the part where I think of it from the standpoint of the team is like, if you are consistently not making them a priority and you're consistently not giving them, you know, that sliver of attention that they're looking for. That's a problem.

Yeah, yeah, you're a busy keynoter these days. Who are you speaking to? And how many different keynotes do you have or what. What are we going to hear when we come to see you?

Yeah, it's. So I. I kind of have two main pathways of keynotes. I have relatable, so there's more. The general relatability, really, helping people build connections from, you know, a broader scale. I have the relatable leader, and then I have a new keynote that I just started, which is called Scene. So just help see one another from a leadership perspective, but also from a team perspective, because I truly think that there's no greater value than to teach people how to feel seen and heard and how to help implement that in our organization. You know, it's funny, when people ask me, who do you speak to? I'm like, pretty much everybody. And I know when, when I first started keynoting, they're like, you have to pick a lane. Like, you have to find a vertical. And it has to, you know, maybe it's optometrists. And I'm like, that. Pretty sure. And so I find myself being like, oh, wait, they were wrong, because it's all over the place. I mean, I, you know, it. I do a lot of work with lawyers, not surprisingly, but sure. Beyond that, it's medical, it's. It's healthcare, it's startups, it's associations, corporations, pretty much. Pretty much everybody. Everybody needs to be relatable.

Right? Right. What, what do you see as two or three, Three of the biggest impediments today in the way that we operate for people creating the types of relationships that they used to have with their employer. We would go to work somewhere. I mean, we really. And by the way, I think about this a lot. You know, we have young people that come to work here, and I'm just like, what are they going home and telling their parents about their experience here? You know, like, at that point, that brings it right home for me. It's like, are we being a good steward of this human being? Time and investment, are they getting something out of this that I would want my kids to get out of it? Because you can. You get busy in work, there's pressure, there's deals, there's. There's risk, there's all of this stuff going on, deadlines. And it's really easy to look at the. The tactical stuff and overlook some of the people sometimes thinking somebody else is taking care of them. I'm sure they're Getting, well led and those types of things. But especially in a leadership role, I mean it's really, really important that you're connecting.

Yeah. The biggest impediment to everything is distraction. We are so unbelievably distracted. And it's an interesting thing because when I do talk to leaders, the number one reason they give me for not leading the way that they would prefer to be leading is time. But if you actually go through your day and you think about how many times you're picking up your phone, how many times you're checking, you know, social, how many times that you are distracted, that is the biggest impediment. And there's, there's no resolution of it. And it makes me think about, you know, there are people who are chronic overeaters, right. That this is a, this is something within themselves. They have a really hard time tapering off, you know, their food. Well, you can't stop eating, right? You can't, you have to eat. You have to really learn to live within the confines of, of how you are in this environment. And it's the same thing when it comes to social media and phones. And it's part of the reason why like this guy is over here turned off down. Data shows that having your phone up, upward facing and in somewhere in an environment when you're having a conversation distracts your cognitive ability. It lowers all of your processing. So there's so many things that we could do to make it a little bit better. We're never going to get rid of technology. I don't want to. So this isn't me saying like let's go back and turn butter. This is saying we have to work within the confines of what we're offered. And that is, is being conscious of what gets in your way. And people have so much more time than they think because they're just not being efficient with it because they're getting, they're falling prey to whatever distractions are available to them around them.

I find it really interesting. I've got some people that I respect deeply as business builders and executors and they say I'm not on social media. And, and for us, first of all, as a franchisor, we're a marketing organization. We better be paying attention. There's going to be I think $50 billion spent on social media, advertising and promotions by 2030. I mean it's some, you have to ridiculous number. And I mean there's companies that have been built on X, I mean straight on X. I mean there's people that have built companies, by the way, when it comes to franchise companies, that gives you a certain type of franchisee. And I don't know that that's working out that well, because these, you know, people that are. That are making their living chirping on social media are going to continue to do that and not necessarily just buckle down and just run. They're not going to put it aside to run the business. So we'll, We'll. We'll see how that whole experiment works out for those groups. But at the end of the day, it's. I mean, I just keep getting sucked in. I do. I mean, I, I just. I keep getting sucked. I gave myself a desert, like last December, and I, I put something on that limited my time to an hour a day. And I would say only do the things that you need to do, respond to things that you need to respond to. But slowly, over time, I'm. It's coming up on December. In December again. Well, maybe I need to revisit that.

Yeah, it's. It's a time suck, but. And again, you're not wrong. There. There are so many people that need to be on social media. You know, I, I wish I could quit my husband. I have to show him. I was like, oh, look at this funny dog video. And then he rolls his eyes. But, yeah, it's, It's. It is an absolute time waster. And it can also be entertaining and it can also be networking. It can also be all these other things, but it's that conscious awareness of what energy am I expending right now? And is this helpful? And are there things that are on fire that I should be paying attention to?

Right.

Instead of this?

Yeah. And look, doing what you do, you have to promote yourself. And doing what I do, I certainly want to promote myself. I want to promote our brands and, and if you get into the right echo chamber, like, I think ours is loosely franchising. Although on the unemployable podcast, I mean, we just had Andy Bustamante on the CIA guy. He was in studio. He was right behind us.

So cool.

Yeah, he was great. Oh, he was great. And I had all my questions laid out, and we locked eyes. We started the thing, and I had an opener, and he started talking about, I know you're in franchising here, but I just want to tell you how hard it's been to build my business business. Because he started this business in 2019. He was a CIA guy, and then he was a corporate guy, but then they launched this business. He's doing exceptionally well and he's, you know, got a great, great business going. But he goes, man, it's so much harder than I thought it would be. 10, 15 minutes on that. And then I get to the opener. But then literally I didn't even get to a question. I mean, any of the question. I mean, I, I, I had prepared well so I was able to navigate through the things, all the things. But look, that has nothing to do with franchising or does it? Right? Are there people? Are there people? Because franchising is generally our community. I mean, it's, it's, and it's a big, I mean, one out of every eight people in this country work for a franchise. By the way, It's a massive 829,000 franchise establishments, 4,000 actively growing brands. I mean, it's a massive business model across multiple business segments. So there's plenty there. But still I find my need to go outside of it and have, you know, guests that don't have an immediate connection to it. But quite frankly, if I was a listener, I just wouldn't want to listen to every little franchise nugget every day.

It's all relevant.

Yeah. Because what happens is people come into your content when they need it, but if it's not entertaining, engaging and valuable, then they're just going to take what they need and then they're going to be like, ah, I heard that already. And then they're going to move on. On. As opposed to the shows that provide some entertainment inspiration. Well, kind of what you said, you want to connect with your audience, you want to communicate to them and then you need to educate and inspire them. So it's, the relatability model is kind of what we need to do and that's how we need to occur on social media. To build your business and to build ours.

That is the goal. That is the goal. And so I also think in that intentionality, it helps you kind of navigate social media and do the things that we need to do on it to grow our business without feeling like we're giving it all the attention versus the necessary attention.

What? So when it comes to being relatable, do you have any do's or don't do's for people on social media?

Oh, gosh. How long do we have, Jeff? You know, I think the biggest ones that stand out to me when I'm like, man, I wish I could delete that for them, them is when they really show up trying to be someone that they're not. And you can, you can feel it, you can smell it. And especially from a, you know, from the franchise space is you're, you're looking to connect with your community. There's these are face to face person person interactions and when they're not, they're not showing up as themselves, they're fully scripted. And I understand too and I'm, I think what I'm thinking of right now, very specific instances where I've seen where people showed up up and they're clearly trying to do some direct to camera, you know, video and it's just horrible because they're, you know, they're trying to be perfect or they're trying to show up in the way that they think they're going to show up. And, and, and I think that would be the biggest don't is don't try to be someone you're not. Don't try to be perfect. Do be somebody that someone in your community says, oh, that's somebody that I'd want to work with. You know, it's the know like and trust. But we can feel that within seconds. Like you said, the relatability factor is something you can start to feel the minute that you start to meet somebody.

Sure.

And they're meeting you for the first time. When they see you making a video on social, they see you for the first time and they think, oh gosh, that is a person that I probably never want to encounter. Or you know what, the next time I need X, Y, Z, I'm going to consider that person.

How much of your content do you think gets consumed by a client that ends up booking you for a speaking engagement?

Hmm. You know, it's so, it's such a weird thing. Well, this is terrible too because from a business person's aspect they're going to be like, I can't believe you don't track this. So I'm, I have a management company, company that handles all of my, my speaking and so they do all the, the sales, they do the tracking. So I'm like, I don't even know where they're coming from because I haven't asked. I think they have.

Yeah.

Which sounds terrible. It's like know your numbers, right? As a business owner, I'm like, I kind of know, but I know that there are several clients that will consume. You know, I do a lot of video work on, on LinkedIn, on Instagram, on TikTok. And so for me I, I know the people that I work with with. They will reference it once I've been hired. I don't know how much is coming from those avenues. But I do know that when we research people, we're going to all of their media channels. We're going, you know, and we're consuming as much as possible. So even if maybe they didn't generate from there, they're being supported in their decision making by, by viewing that content.

It's the best way to prepare. I mean I found a nice 38 minute podcast that you did somewhere and I listened to that this morning while I was on my little rowing machine. Right. And then listen to the te talks and just had you kind of in my ear as I was driving in this morning. And it's. It now I know you, I know how you speak. I know kind of what you like to talk about. And then of course went through the book and then used a little AI and, and you know, I was able to get a well rounded out type situation so that I could have at least an intelligent conversation lead it in the way that would make it good for you. And that's always the goal.

And it works. Worked.

But. Well, there you go.

It's been great.

Yeah. But you know, you know, as we, as we talk about what do we need to put out there that makes us relatable and we've done direct to camera stuff and, and all of that and then I'll do some silly little video from my car and boom, off it goes. You know, it's just, it's like so much more real. Yeah, it's so much more real. And then we do long form generally. I mean, I mean we've probably 235 episodes or so now and generally anywhere from an hour to two and it's. That's a lot of content. So then you can snip things out of that and just keep putting them out there. At the end of the day, I mean something needs to go out almost every day if you really want to be part of the people that when I open my social media, they're. They're there every day. And the more that they're there, then the more consistent they are, the more that relatable they are. Because. Because I believe it to be authentic.

Yep. Yeah. And it, it is that that consistency is, is such a key and it's also something I. So I commend you because that's one of the hardest things I have burnt out. And it's also knowing yourself of what you're capable of doing and how much support you need. But my first book launch, the my I. So I wrote relatable Leader, which came out in July, but I wrote Relatable, which is basically more of genuine. Genuine, but general human connection, came out in 21, and I was doing about five TikToks a day because TikTok was just starting to blow up. And it was hugely impactful and it was incredible for me. I mean, it was just. The growth was exponential. But I was doing five videos a day. And by the time my book came out, I was like, if I never, ever make another video, it will be too soon. And so that's the challenge is, you know, you gotta keep showing up. But it's the same thing in any relationship. Right. If I stop calling my friend because I talked to them too much before, that relationship is now dead.

Yeah, there's the familiarity breeds contempt. But then. But then out of sight, out of mind.

Yep. Yeah. And so finding that balance, you'll see I'm probably once a week doing a video now because I. I'm slowly. I'm slowly making a comeback.

Yeah, well, there's always a happy medium.

Yeah.

Yes. And speaking of mediums, I noticed that you are a hypnotherapist. Not exactly the same.

That was quite the transition. I mean, I don't know how people talk to dead people.

Oh, well, why not? Will they pay?

Yes. That was.

Wow. That.

It's so funny because hypnotherapy, I think. Well, although Jennifer Aniston's partner now is a hypnotherapist, and it's like, back in the news, I was like, oh, that's interesting.

Really?

But I like, fun fact fact, it's basically meditation with a goal attached to it.

Okay.

And so I, you know, when I. I was on a yoga retreat and I experienced hypnotherapy, and I was like, this is so cool. And so, like, you know, most things I experience that, I'm like, this is so cool. I'm like, I want to learn how to do it. And so I got trained in it. And I don't practice it from a commercial standpoint, professional standpoint, but I use it all the time. I mean, I'm going to be on a flight in a couple hours here. And that is my favorite time to go into hypnosis and kind of of just reset and recalibrate. And so it's a. Like I said, it's essentially, it's like supercharged meditation.

Okay. And do you have a daily meditation practice that you do?

I wish, I wish I was one of those people that say, you know, I have this morning practice And I get up and I have a hot cup of tea and I ignore my children and dogs. And no, I, I'm a hot mess until I take a minute.

I gotta tell you, meditation and cold plunge, I'm just fighting it. I'm fighting it. And I mean, I've tried it. But then you hear, hear Jerry Seinfeld, you know, the first billion dollar comedian, and he's just like, hey, if I didn't have a meditation practice daily for the last 30 years, I couldn't have been able to do this. And then you find other, like, wildly successful people, sometimes creatives, but not always. You know, maybe they're the Hollywood types, but I mean, other people as well.

Damn.

You know, I think, I think, you know, people, I don't know if it's Dana White, but people like that, that are, you know, have done something, they're like, yeah, I, I mean, I know Dana White takes his cold plunge, like, and sets it up in his hotel room. Like, well, he doesn't set it up. He does nothing. You know, it is there for him. You know, he, they go down the hall with the little ice bucket and they keep bringing it back and bringing it. So it takes like two hours to fill the thing up probably. And nobody in the hotel gets ice. Because when Dana White's trapped, traveling, like, sorry, Dana's here. Yeah, Dana's here. Yeah.

Hot soda for you.

Hot soda for everybody. And, and cold Prosecco. But the, you know, it's, it's, you know, it's, it's a, it's a daily discipline that is so hard to do because I have tried it, and then I tried to get a, a facilitator and it was like during COVID and they were all online now, and I'm like, well, I could just watch a YouTube video. So then I tried that for a while, but I just hadn't been able to get there. And, and, and I, but I do know that I do have a daily practice of this little five minute journal that I do. And the days that I skip it, I can tell that I, I am not as clear.

Yeah, I think everybody has. I mean, there are moving meditations. You know, for me, my daily practice is the gym. And I know if I don't go work out, and I do have, like, this week is like an off week intentionally. I'm traveling and I'm like, nope, that's gonna be too stressful to try to combine that into to my work this week. Week. But when I'm home, if I do not work out in the morning. I feel off the rest of the day, and God forbid I don't work out for a couple days. It's like, stay, stay away or ply with wine, because it just resets in a way. And so I. I think people have to find what brings them back to themselves. And. And what is that practice that allows you to reflect? And it could be a workout. It could be a walk or a run. It could be a meditation, or it could be journaling. You know, there's. There's so many times where it's really just looking for a reason reset. Because as we've been talking about, there's so many things that get in the way of us being present with ourselves, and that's really what we're looking to do when we talk about having some sort of practice.

Awesome. Rachel, anything we missed today?

I don't think so. I think we covered a lot in an hour.

Do you have mentors?

Hmm.

That would be a no. Okay.

Yeah. I don't. It's such a weird thing. I was like, I think I've always wanted one. I have a lot of masterminds, and so I have a lot of colleagues. Leagues.

Okay.

That's always been probably the last 15 years. I've always been in masterminds, and I've always been in community, but not necessarily finding someone that's a couple steps ahead of me that's willing to just sit there with me.

Interesting.

Awesome.

Well, if you want to play, I've got a curveball for you, and then I've got a fastball right down the middle. But before we do that, tell people how to get in touch with you.

I am Rachel Dialto. Everywhere. So on my website, rachelacheldialto.com is my email. I mean, it's literally. Literally pretty consistent, if you will, across all the platforms.

All right. And that is just R A C H E L D E A L T O. Rachel Dialto.

Correct.

Anywhere your fingers can go on your phone.

That's right.

Okay, great. Here's the curveball.

Okay, ready?

Do you have a dog? Okay. I heard them earlier.

I know. I was like, my husband has them upstairs, like, hiding. And then someone rings doorbell.

All right. Gun to your head or your favorite dog? Because there is a favorite. You have to create a business in the next 30 days. It can't be something that you're currently doing. What business, what opportunity do you see in the marketplace? What business would you create if you had to create one? You see a lot. You go to these companies.

I do so. And I don't know exactly what the iteration would be, but it's something with experiences. It wouldn't be brick and mortar, but there would be something that creates experiences. And I don't. I don't know exactly what that, because I know Airbnb is trying to do that, but I would try to do it better. We are craving experiences in community, and there is going to be something that comes out here where we're going to have an opportunity to. To partake in that, and there's a business there, and I just. I. Yeah, there's. There's something there. So someone on. In that's listening, go. Go off and create that, because I don't have the brain space to do it.

Awesome. Awesome. Sounds, sounds, Sounds good. All right, here we go. Fastball right down the middle. Last question of the day. If you had one sentence to make an impact in somebody's life, what would that be?

Take care of each other. That's it. We're. Yeah, that's it. I could expand on that, but just take care of each other.

All right, Rachel, thank you for being on today.

Thank you for having me.

Yeah. This has been a lot of fun. It has. All right. I'm Jeff Duden. Yes.

As I interrupt your exit.

Well, that's fine. That's fine. I'm Jeff Duden. We have been here with the incredible Rachel Dialto. So on the unemployable podcast. Thanks for listening.