"FU" University, Family Dinners, & Other Parenting Principles With Patrick & Laurie Gentempo

My name is ben greenfield and on this episode of the ben greenfield life.

Podcast i encourage all people think use your own mind your own judgment but it doesn't mean you can't learn from other people you can't improve on your life or your parenting by learning from other people but never subjugate your own views or your own values because some expert told you that you should do it a different way.

Faith family fitness health performance nutrition longevity ancestral living biohacking and a whole lot more welcome to the show.

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twenty first all the way up to november twenty ninth you'll be able to take advantage of that exclusive exclusive black friday offer with that twenty five percent discount on the whole shebang the whole catalog check it out buyoptimizers dot com ben buyoptimizers dot com ben so it was back in twenty sixteen i was backstage speaking at a conference i had this exhausting twenty four hour schedule ahead of me and one of my friends came up to me and held out his hand and offered me this so called smart drug like that movie limitless it was this nootropic blend of a whole bunch of different ingredients you know i'm not that smart so i just i swallowed them all i probably should have asked more questions but fortunately things turned out pretty well as a matter of fact over the next twenty four hours i felt like i'd taken like modafinil or something like that but with none of like the the edgy jittery side effects and i slept just fine so task crushing mind sharpening it just fueled my brain it felt like for the next forty eight hours again even though i wasn't up all night it wasn't like a central nervous system stimulant turns out they brought this stuff to market about a year later is called qualia mind qualia mind it's twenty eight different high purity vegan non gmo ingredients that provide you with some of the best mental performance fuel on the planet clarity focus willpower mood very very good stuff it's like brain food so you get fifty percent off of this stuff right now and if you use my code an extra fifteen percent on top of that so you go to neurohacker dot com ben n e u r o n hacker dot com ben and use code bgf it'll get you an extra fifteen percent off so you can start experiencing what the best brain fuel on earth can do for you well folks i'm pretty stoked about today's show because i have some of my dear friends on the call with me this couple is actually featured in my upcoming boundless parenting book because well gosh i mean you're gonna hear about something that i was first impressed with when i met them and that was this concept that they described to me as we were chatting about childhood and habits and comings and goings as parents and they were talking about this thing called a wake up lounge and i was just like oh my gosh this is so cool and i still do something like it today with my family in terms of you may have heard if you're listening in how i will wake up and i'll burn incense and i'll put on some nice music and then i'll call the boys down and we'll sit and we' meditate and we'll talk and we'll hug and we sing a song together and sometimes dance as a family well i got a lot of the ideas for that from the couple who you are about to hear me interview their names are patrick and lori giantempo and patrick you may have seen him run before he gets out there on a lot of videos he's the host of several documentaries that you may have seen but he's known as kind of like a philosopher entrepreneur he's the co founder and the host for a company called revealed films which is the company that produces these docu series like gosh psychedelics revealed covid revealed christ revealed and a whole bunch of other ones that i'll link to in the show notes if you want to check those out he's also a practicing chiropractor i've been adjusted by him at his home before and he's not only a talented chiropractic doctor but he has also gone so far as to give testimony to congress and to the white house committee mission on complementary and alternative medicine he has a tedx talk called unleashing the power of philosophy and he's just a man after my own heart and a really really great guy and i would say one of the few people that outshines him of course is his significant other laurie which i'm sorry patrick it always happens to me people think i'm cool then they meet my wife.

They.

Say the truth hurts but in this.

Case it doesn't that's right that's right so laurie is kind of patrick's partner in crime she's the co founder of action potential holdings where she helps guide and co create projects that align with her values that impact the world and she's the director of the jen temple family foundation which is a nonprofit devoted to personal and global healing she has in the past been pretty involved with dispenza and the dispenza meditation retreats and we'll get a chance to talk about how they wove meditation into their parenting as well so a ton that we can talk about and remember they're featured in the book so if you guys are like gosh we barely even fell the surface got scratched and what the jin temples do and how they raise their kids don't worry they're in the book it'll be at boundlessparentingbook dot com so you can take a deep deep dive into patrick and laurie if you just want to stalk them even more after you hear this episode all of the shownotes are going to be at bengreenfieldlife dot com gentempo g e n t m p o bengreenfieldlife dot com gentempo patrick and laurie welcome thanks for.

Having us thank you and incidentally just for a quick clarification we'll work on friends and family but i don't formally have a chiropractic practice anymore so nobody should be trying to find out where.

To see me everybody's just trying to set down the phone now as they were dialing or i suppose googling patrick gentempo cairo where to try okay so i already alluded to this so we'll just jump right in because honestly this was super intriguing to me and i want to hear about your kids and where they're at right now because i know they're kind of grown up but just a quick introduction of where you're at in terms of how many kids you have how old they are and what they do and then jump straight into that idea of the wake up lounge just because that was the first thing when i was talking with you guys about parenting i was like holy cow this is amazing so go ahead.

We have a total of three kids our oldest twenty five is from a previous marriage for me but was.

Part of our raising him since he was a young child and we also have a twenty one year old at the time of this recording twenty one year old girl and an eighteen year old boy as far as the wake up lounge is concerned that's really lori's conception she's the one who thought about that created that and developed it into our family's lives so i'm gonna let her.

Talk about that yeah it's funny because what inspired it was this feeling of dread morning after morning after hurrying the kids to grab projects lunches homework get in the car race to school and drop them off and then as soon as i got out of the car i would feel this moment of sadness like it was wasted and then i'm watching them walk into the school with all these kids ready to face the world and i just felt like gosh they don't seem set up right you.

Mean like like some kind of like a touch point early in the day.

Yeah like their their their hearts are full they're they're ready they're strong they're feeling confident instead of you know you know survival mode survival mode versus like a coherent energy about them yeah it's.

A physiologic you know what's their physiologic disposition you know are they in defense physiology because you know you kind of pop out of bed last minute and you know are racing to get everything together and get out the door and get to school or you know when entrepreneurs learn this you know they talk about you know when the morning when the day right so that's got it that's even more especially true for children.

Arming yeah i agree and like i mentioned it's something that we thrive on now at our house that morning coming together and it's almost like a bookend right we have our morning coming together that involves all of us sitting on the floor doing our spiritual disciplines journal chatting about what's coming up in the day often we sing a song sometimes if i feel like the energy needs a little bit of a boost i'll put on anywhere from a eight to ten minute long typically a spiritual kind of a churchy song clap your hands praise the lord and we'll be dancing around the kitchen table and then in the evening after dinner after we've cleaned up and kind of gotten ready for bed we do something similar in the evening we gather we meditate and it also involves conversations about the day and what to expect et cetera but i'd love to hear a little bit more details about what your guys actually looked like like what you do with your kids when you get them up in the morning for that touch point it's.

Similar to what you described for me i always light incense because for me there's a morning ritual i have that i bless my home with my energy and i light that incense with intention that we're all blessed for that day we turn on the appropriate soft toned music we light the fire and then when everyone gathers we kind of just get cozy and sit around and actually we don't do this as much anymore i'll get into that but then i would take a special drink order like it's a matcha or a chai or whatever they're having having so it makes it more like they're kind of ordering up to at the lounge and then it's just you know some mornings it's not a lot of talking the whole point of it for us is quiet really and just easing into the day not driving a process or anything like that but i do remember times we would talk about affirmations and start to create those for them or help them create their own so it's a great time for that as far as best practices go it's it doesn't need to be necessarily more than thirty minutes of you know just it's a matter of just getting up earlier getting things ready earlier and then just allowing that thirty minutes or more what's become for us now it's just patrick and i mostly in the lounge now our eighteen year old is still there but patrick and i like to sit there for almost two hours some mornings but that's kind.

Of the basics you mean when you sit there for two hours are you talking are you just like sipping tea.

Or we are it's actually become more ceremonial for us we were doing some breath work together as a couple you know it depends on what's going on in our life sometimes that's kind of a quiet time too and sometimes there's things we're talking through mostly it's spiritual philosophy time for us together yeah it's.

Almost like i think you described it in the book as creating an environment of peace and harmony and to me it feels like the kids when they wake up they really begin to depend on that and rely upon it and just feel very special i'm sure a lot of people listening have experienced christmas morning with the footy pajamas and the stockings and maybe the hot chocolate and the smell of peppermint or whatever else but just imagine that every morning what if you were a kid and you could wake up every morning and you knew that when you went downstairs or upstairs or wherever the family gathered in the morning that it could be like that it's just magical what i like.

About it is that it anchors in a bias meaning that i think our bodies anticipate the day our bodies anticipate you know what life is going to be or what it might bring us and you know once you have a bias of of waking up in the morning and easing into the day in this way which is in my mind really a spiritual practice you know the days that that doesn't happen you crave going back to this as compared to getting addicted to the chemicals of stress every morning and waking up and then when suddenly you have a peaceful morning you're almost like going through a withdrawal wondering you know what's wrong how come i'm not feeling the tension you know they should be feeling typically and we don't have to get into i think everybody would know that's listening to this the health implications of that long term the biological implications of what happens to a body when it biases one way versus the other when it habituates that one of our premises around this is the importance of environments and how environments can shape you shape your life shape your experience of life and then shape also your interactions with other people in this case your family so you know with lori she's really i mean even when we travel she goes into a hotel room the first thing the incense is out candles or every other probably shouldn't say that because you're not allowed to really light this stuff in hotel rooms and you know when you create an environment you can change everything and that's what this does as a ritual.

For our family yeah it's funny you say about the hotels because since we started doing this with our kids i mean you guys know like i travel a lot and a lot of times i'm traveling solo now when i go into a hotel i intentionally one of the first things i do is start to set it up for the next morning so that i know when i wake up and a lot of times i've got a devotional or something i travel with and i sit cross legged on the floor of the hotel but i travel now with incense sticks with essential oil i don't necessarily burn sage and smoke out the hotel room but i've taken this routine on the road and again not even when my family's with me just solo and there's something about waking up it's just as though you were primal human i don't know sleeping in a cave and you hear the birds song and the sun shining through the cave it's almost like this sacred time in the morning that presents itself to you that if you're willing to resist the phones and jumping right into the fray and the work and the school and everything else that you guys saw that your kids were getting exposed to and you drop them off at school and they hadn't had this in the morning it sets up this beautiful beautiful way to start the day and i think and i would imagine you'd agree with me perhaps most importantly you're teaching your kids when you adopt a practice like this to actually prioritize their spirits and their souls and their bodies and their mind before they jump into the business of the day totally.

One hundred percent and now two of the three kids are out of the house so it's interesting to watch when they go out on their own as young adults where that leads and the impact it has and you can definitely see how they are setting up their lives on their own as adults and the impact this has had or the positive impact that this has had yeah.

Like our daughter just moved into an apartment with her boyfriend last year and sure enough she you know i didn't say a word or ask or anything but just going to look at their apartment she had the incense the candles you know all the things so it.

Was cool nice just don't tell my kids about the drink thing because we didn't start doing that and they're they're super foodies and they're going to be ordering orange mocha frappuccinos with cinnamon sprinkles on top and that's going to add another twenty minutes to our wake up mornings the wake up lounge is i know one part of several of kind of what i would say the traditions and the habits and the rituals and routines that really leapt out to me from your chapter in the book and i'd like to talk about a few others but i actually want to backpedal a little bit because one of the things that really made an impression upon me when i was reading about your unique parenting approach was you kind of had three main things and i don't know if this is influenced by your background in philosophy or whatever patrick but you list premises values and purpose premises values and purpose is that being kind of like the compass that guided you over your parenting years and i would love to hear a little bit more about well i'd love to hear about all three of them whichever one you choose as the highest priority to put first but tell me more about the premises the values and the purpose well.

The three are actually related to each other and you're right it comes from my work as a call me a practical philosopher or applied philosopher where i use the branches of philosophy to sort through my thinking and understanding and then try to create a non contradictory or congruent way to approach whatever it is in life so whether it's a business whether it's our parenting whether it's our health and fitness you name any category of life and we have premises values and purpose that surround it so when we became parents it was clear to me that we needed to take this approach towards life and apply it to our parenting and it was quite revelatory as far as when you start to sit down and sort these things out saying what are my premises what do i believe what am i operating from what are my values when it comes to this particular subject and what's my purpose and there is a little bit of a sequence to this but those.

Three things are related okay so when you say the word premises i'm kind of nodding my head like i kind of sort of know what that is but how would you define premise and what were some of the main premises that you guys wove into your parenting.

So a premise is a belief element that is driving your choices and actions whether you know it or not we all have them and they come mostly from our mothers fathers teachers and preachers we've picked them up along the way unwittingly and for the vast majority of people they don't take the time to.

Really consciously either choose their premises or assess their premises and they can be very debilitating like don't bite off more than you can chew don't be something you're not i mean there's so many things we've heard along the way that get integrated into our subconscious that are driving us and we don't even know that they're there so it's important i think to become consciously aware of what premises or views of reality that you hold and once they're identified to make sure that you're living consistently with them some of them are like i said things that maybe you picked up in a book maybe things you picked up from a mentor like one of our first premises came from my mentors doctor nathaniel brandon who was ayn rand's intellectual heir which is what got me into philosophy and what he said was and i don't know if this was his original thought but he was the one who gave it to me he said no child was ever made good by telling them how bad they are it just struck me as a truth a fundamental truth and we decided that we were going to consciously parent based on that particular premise and there's other ones that we can get into if you want me to share them so one.

Was no child was ever made good by telling them how bad they are and that makes sense i assume that you're talking about focusing on the positive and highlighting the good decisions that they make in life rather than beating them up for the bad decisions but yeah you had i think gosh more than half a dozen different premises and i'd love to hear a few of the others that i suppose you would i don't know like jordan peterson has his twelve rules for life you know are these kind of like your guys little rules for parenting yeah these are the.

Premises mean these these are our view of reality saying these are truths when it comes to parenting that we need to be aware of and yeah so similar to what you were saying about jordan peterson so you know just quickly i'll just do a quick lightning roundup one of the best things parents can do for their children is love each other.

And so the quick riff on that and laurie was really the champion of this is that a lot of times parents will lose their relationship for the kids they divide and conquer they get busy and next thing you know their relationship really isn't very connected very deep very nurturing very loving and so we consciously had to choose time away from our kids to continue to connect making sure date nights were a ritual every week and several other practices that would support that particular premise yeah and.

I might interrupt you as you go through a few of these premises but i think another really important part of that and i didn't witness this so much in my own parents i just kind of assumed that everything was okay and actually my parents got divorced later on in life when i was a teenager and i found out then that going on behind the scenes they just never really had much in the way of dates and one on one time and there wasn't a lot of public displays of affection to us kids or anything like that we just always kind of assumed mom and dad are mom and dad and they're in love with each other and having a great time and now my wife and i the same as it sounds like you guys did we intentionally make sure that our kids see us nuzzling each other kissing going on dates doing all the things that people deeply in love do and i think it does display the essences of a good relationship but i think also kind of like that wake up lounge the kids just as though they're safe because their parents are in love their parents are in union their parents are bonded it's almost like they feel like they have a little bit more of a rock and a fortress to depend upon that's true and you really.

Can'T fake this so it's like you can't fake it so the best advice here is really put your relationship as a priority and work on it if.

It'S troubled yeah the next premise is kind of similar what we're saying is children learn more by example than by words and i think it's just very important that they're always watching you they're always learning they're always seeing what you do and you can try to tell them that they need to work out they need to be in shape they need to eat healthy whatever it might be but when they see you doing it and that's their entire experience on an ongoing basis i believe that that ingrains even more as far as what their behaviors.

What kind of thoughts and behaviors are anchored into them so we try to lead by example as parents and that was something that we were.

Very conscious of yeah you know what's crazy by the way patrick is i went through and ran some stats on some of the repetitive themes some of the common threads throughout this book and this concept and a lot of times and i knew these parents hadn't necessarily all talked to each other and scheme this out this concept of more is caught than taught that phrase was actually used by three different parenting couples who i don't think even knew each other was repeated it was like seventy percent of the parents in the book at some point said essentially your kids watch you and they pay more attention to what you do than what you say i think one of the best examples of this is just like the phone or screen time or whatever i know when i glance at my let's say we're out at dinner with another family and i'm kind of doing that glance at your phone underneath the table kind of down by your chair type of thing and i see that sideways glance for my kids i know that all they're thinking is oh wait dad tells us to be fully present engaging conversation and make eye contact but it's okay for me to be looking at my phone during a dinner out with friends.

That'S a perfect example of what we're saying here and there's a deeper root to that nathaniel brandon would teach and this is where contradictions this whole concept of contradictions can lead to destruction it's like like if you sit with your kid and you tell them hey listen johnny you always should tell the truth you shouldn't lie it's not good character to lie et cetera et cetera et cetera and then ten minutes later there's somebody at the door that's ringing looking for you and the kid answers the door and says oh so and so's here or somebody calls on the phone so and so's here and the response of the parent is tell them i'm not here telling the kid to lie for you if you just told them that they're supposed to have integrity and not do that so there's thousands of examp examples of that but i can tell you that kids especially in the younger ages maybe don't point out contradictions in their parents behavior or lack of integrity but they are for sure seeing it and it's leaving an impression and.

It actually goes just a little bit deeper than that with mirror neurons so their bodies have cells that are actually mirroring everything we're doing all the time.

Yeah that's a really good point and i mean another example would be exercise i will assign my kids workouts i don't necessarily do all their workouts with them but man oh man like when they see me heading out the door to the gym i know that they're not thinking dad told me i need to do one hundred push ups today but look at him sitting around not moving so anytime i have the opportunity even if it's just a pomodoro break because i'll stop after a half hour work and do one hundred jumping jacks i will walk out my office because i work from home go upstairs go by their room by the hallway by their room do the one hundred jumping jacks and then in a loud voice announce something like hey i'm doing my pomodoro break and then i'll go back downstairs just because i know that that goes way farther than me telling them to stop every once in a while do some push ups during your homeschooling.

Guys yeah i mean i think that's a great practice to not only think that it's important that you do it but to put it on display when it's practical to do so so they could see it i think that's great.

Yeah yeah i know another one of your premises was how a child starts their day is critical which we obviously just kind of established with that wake up lounge for example but what about the family rituals one that was another one that stood out to me i.

Could tell you and i don't know everybody's at a different place in their parenting again we're getting close to being empty nesters but what i can tell you is that these rituals stick meaning they at this age as young adults still talk about and want to engage in the rituals for an example i grew up in an italian household italian family italian so we had italian sundae and so the smells in the house of the sauce cooking and creating the antibody there's this whole thing that comes together where the kids have their whole life been immersed in that ritual and then when we lived around parents relatives etcetera we'd gather with other italians that we were related to and have these sunday experiences which i had when i was a kid so we brought that into the household they come over for sunday italian dinner we still get together there's a music playlist that we have it's just one example of a ritual that bonds them or anchors them to a happy childhood and i have to tell you that the greatest opportunity that an adult has to be happy is.

Having a happy childhood yeah and honestly that whole concept this was another common thread it wasn't necessarily every week but some kind of dinner gathering on a regular basis i mean in our house it's basically besides tonight wednesday nights on the day we're recording this which is the night my sons go to youth group and my wife and i stay home and play scrabble which is a fantastic ritual we have these glorious family dinners every night i think i've talked with you guys about this before but it comes up over and over again i think what you kind of mentioned this has come up a couple times regarding even something as seemingly insignificant as the smell and the aroma of food and that being tied via the olfactory receptors into this sense of belongingness and love and that whole concept of you guys know when you walk into grandma's house and all a sudden you smell whatever and my grandma was italian too patrick so you'll appreciate this eggplant parmesan or some fantastic italian meal that she's cooking up it's a lot more than just smelling the food and salivating it's like this it's emotions that wash over you from years and years of grandma and giving her a hug and feeling that belonging in her home and so food goes a long long way again it seems kind of like silly and insignificant but as far as something that kids love to gather around and as a way to make life special for a kid growing up that concept of some type of dinner gathering i think is just as important as like that morning wake up lounge yeah and there's.

Another one we would do which was family dinners for us were really basically every night except for if we were on our date or we were having dinner with friends which we were pretty picky about with that because of family time but just having a day of the week where the kids could choose what to have or where to go like monday night and you just rotate that choice between each kid because it just involves them more in the experience.

Yeah they had their favorite restaurants and it started out monday nights was we all go out to dinner as a family and they'd argue over where they wanted to go i want to go here i want to go there so finally we just said we're going to rotate the decision every monday it's the next person's turn to choose and they still remember that from when they were young kids how fun it was to go out mondays and whose turn was it to pick the restaurant so these things seem sort of inconsequential or maybe cute or trite but the reality is they've got long lingering effects on these.

Kids into adulthood regarding the dinners did you guys ever do the one on ones what i mean by that is we'll schedule times during the month typically this is well we're really doing once a month now because we have some family day out and about on this town but once a month i'll take one son to one restaurant and jess will take the other son to another restaurant or sometimes we'll both go to the same restaurant but i'll call ahead and request tables in separate areas of the restaurant so we do these one on one dates because the conversations with the kids are way different one on one versus when they're with their other siblings but did you guys do much in terms of the one on one.

Time we actually not only did it as a rhythm in our life so it was another of those rituals but but we still do it i mean at this point even more important now than ever and very meaningful so yeah when my kids were little kids we'd have we'd take them out to dinner like a daddy daughter date or and sometimes it was a whole day with one kid just spending the day and fortunately as an entrepreneur i had a lot of control over my schedule so i had the flexibility to say i'm booking out wednesday and i'm going into the city with my daughter for the.

Day and sometimes it was a trip trip for a couple days of course.

The million dollar question i got to ask you guys since you're ahead of me with a twenty four year old a twenty year old and a seventeen year old are you still paying for the meals or do the kids break out the credit card now well they.

Offer to we let them pay coffee and tea and things like that but.

Not usually dinners not yet yeah and delorea's way they actually do offer but at this point it's still sort of like the tradition i'm taking them out and we sit and i'm sure there's going to be a shift at some point where they're taking me out but.

They do take grandma out they're allowed.

To pay for grandma's meals all right so this next premise may rabbit hole a little bit i sense but you have one about education tell me the.

Education premise we traveled a lot so we have a few premises around this but what we came to the conclusion this one is that the most important education a child gets is outside of school not inside of it institutionalized and yes we're maverick thinkers in many respects and this is one of the areas but our point of view is that institutionalized education doesn't really set kids up for success for the most part you can certainly name exceptions but if they're going to be fully aware fully conscious fully actualized humans and adults we felt the best education that we could give them was outside of schools the schools where they went to learn the basic stuff but we took them around the world different cultures different languages different foods different things they see visually and start to learn about the world as a whole and then can start to contemplate what their place in it might be.

We would align that with what they would be learning in school so that was helpful or a language they were learning and we would also make sure that we would give them some money like local money and give them the opportunity to exchange money and that's an entryway into the conversations about the economy or money or whatever's happening in that.

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Thing yeah that's correct about missy we've been friends with them for gosh our daughters our sons are two weeks apart so twenty years whatever a lot of.

Our world travel was with them yeah.

So yeah i learned a lot from missy in terms of how to go about that and it was easier when once we moved to park city because somehow they're wired differently here than new jersey but it's an issue it's a real issue and they don't take kindly to it but i think ultimately in the end we ended up the kids ended up not wanting to be in school anyway so we had to shift completely out of the school system our.

Basic history on this is that we've done private schools we've done public schools and we've done homeschool we did it all and and it's kind of like there's a season for everything and there was a time when we weren't really feeling great about the public schools so we put them into rather expensive private schools and they spent some years there but then we felt like okay that wasn't quite right for them and we moved and we moved to park city and the different school systems we put them in public school here but my friend richard rossi said something because we were really laboring over do we homeschool them now they basically called you know and this was i think the butcher kids instigated this in our kids because we just got back from australia they're like hey we want to go to freedom university meaning homeschool which was fu for short.

Oh i've never heard that before that's great.

That'S where our kids.

Have a degree from our kids are graduates of fu oh my gosh i'm.

Going to tell my kids that tonight at dinner by the way.

So anyway what happened was and we were kind of laboring because of course a parent sweats this one saying geez you know if my kids come out of school and then you know can they go to college and you know does it limit their choices and you know if we homeschool them you know et cetera et cetera but our gut our instincts are telling us you know it's just i'm looking at what's happening to them and it's adverse it's not it's not supportive and richard russell who's a friend of mine an entrepreneur who does big education programs for high performing high school kids and gets them on varying career tracks and i said let me give him a call and i'm thinking he's kind of more conservative traditional and when i called him up and said we're kind of weighing this decision out and pulling the kids back out they're in high school and eighth grade i think dora was a sophomore my youngest son was eighth grade my oldest was already already in college at that point and he said well first of all i congratulate you for even considering it and thinking about it second i did homeschool my kids for a couple of years which i was shocked when i heard that he said but third here's how i make the decision the most important thing a kid needs to develop in their life is self confidence and the question you have to answer is when they go to school every day is their self confidence being built or is it being destroyed and if their self confidence is built because they thrive in that type of an educational environment and can perform well then great they're in the right place if they can't perform well in that particular my daughter's dyslexic my son's got pretty serious add they just don't they learn differently so if they're not if their self confidence is getting injured by showing up to school every day then take them out and it was that that conversation where we said that's it they're going to fu they're out so we homeschooled them for those final years of their education and i'm certain that it was a really.

Good decision hey has richard rossi ever written a book that you would recommend on education or anything else because i'm not that familiar with him but if people wanted to learn more about richard what would be the best way to.

Do that no i don't think he's written a book his company is called da vinci education i believe okay and like i said laurie and i have been there we helped him so like he'll have five thousand kids in a room he's got nobel laureates and all these you know amazing you know high level academic and scholarly people that are there to present to these kids it's a very impressive thing and for these kids it's you know perfect because these are the kids who you know get four point zero scores and you know three point eight scores you know as far as their gpas and you know are applying to ivy league schools and so on but my kids simply just were not academics they're brilliant.

Our premise around this is that every person has some genius in them it's discovering what that genius is that's the trick and what's important and for our kids academic prowess is not their genius but they have other forms of genius that are very impressive and it's just a matter of fostering that and not getting their self confidence destroyed because you're trying to make them learn in a way that's not equipped for them when you say.

Other forms of genius do you mean.

Like art no genius in terms of what is their passion their gift for the world what were they born to do that they're good at their superpower.

In essence what is something that they have uncommonly great ability at doing my daughter is an artist she's a singer songwriter and she's extraordinarily gifted in that respect but she's not going to be gifted if you throw her in a.

Calculus class yeah that's kind of what i meant basically kids who are wired up for maybe art creativity et cetera who may not be academic who may not thrive with a university based education it seems like there's still almost like that stereotype that yeah you're going to be able to make art and your job's going to be flipping burgers to actually make money that type of thing.

Yeah and that's my definition of health.

I mean you really have to reverse the entire equation or program that has been written for children this is what you do this is you go to school you become what you're going to do to make money to go out into the world and it's like no start first with what are they passionate about what do they like what are they good at and then reverse engineer.

The whole thing this is where we go back to philosophy and premises our premise is that every human being has special gifts and every human being has a purpose in this world and usually a good clue to what that purpose is is what are you good at god wouldn't give you a purpose and make you not good at it so where your strengths lie typically is where that innate purpose resides and the goal and the work is to uncover that figure out what that is find it and then develop it and then go put your gift into world and that's the way that you earn your living not doing something that destroys your spirit.

Every single day yeah that makes sense there's actually a really good book by the way it's called one of the better books on purpose and passion and marrying that with some type of a career or service to the world it's called ikiguy two point zero i found it as this really cool free downloadable workbook on a website i follow called slow slow co s l o w w c o so if anybody's listening and they want kind of like a systematic way i took my sons through it over the course of about six weeks this idea of identifying what is you're passionate about and we took some skills finding tests and things like that so that's a great resource for that but when it comes to the commercialization or i suppose the boots on the ground well how do i actually feed myself using this skill my sons are they're really creative artists they're not very entrepreneurial and driven like i am am in that respect and that's something that's kind of been difficult for me is trying to help them visualize okay how are you going to take these amazing artistic skills that you have in painting and writing fiction and creating art and actually somehow monetize that in case in point just yesterday they were working on their threadless account speaking of john butcher again he introduced them to this website called threadless where you can take your art and begin to make everything from skateboards to shoes to posters to coffee mugs et cetera etc out of it but for you guys it sounds like you had artistic children i guess it's kind of a selfish question like how did you foster them actually thinking about how they were going to i guess more or less this sounds kind of gimmicky but like make money out of their art i guess is what i'm.

Asking i think there's an understanding and you know a sort of a tension that life presents when you're faced with saying i have to become self responsible i have to learn to make money take care of myself not be dependent on other people and simultaneously i have to find my passion and see if i can translate that passion into the way that i make money and there's phases of that and sometimes kids get it younger sometimes it takes a long time so if i just ran the table here and our kids really real quick the twenty five year old has a degree from college in finance and economics dual major he has a passion about stock analysis and he's really good at it he's sounded and something that he doesn't have to be encouraged to think about he can't help himself so what did he do well he can't come out of college and suddenly get a job as an analyst and support stuff but he's working at a bank so he's working in the industry and in the meantime he works on his instagram account friendly stock picks and he gets on there and this is where he gets to express his passion and little by little as he gets better at it learns it more et cetera i think eventually it will become his way of supporting himself in life but in the meantime he's got a job that's sort of relevant but not directly his passion and is developing how to make a living in his passion my daughter you know she she found something i think was great she so she's a singer songwriter extraordinarily gifted i mean you know the songs that she's been writing since she was in her you know twelve thirteen years old are still i think you know phenomenal songs and we help support that you know by having musical instruments around and you know the ability to record and so on and you know getting her into a studio and creating music but she can't support herself on that but she has another passion which i think probably came from us a little bit which is cause coffee and she is a really highly trained barista she loves working with coffee explaining coffee enters competitions as a barista for latte art and all that kind of stuff so she's paying her bills making a living completely independent of us by working as a barista and continues to pursue her music so she knows that music is her life and career but doing coffee is something that she has a passion around in the meantime time our eighteen year old homeschooled just finished his homeschool high school he's got a passion right now he's kind of searching it out but his main thing was that he thinks he's interested in the markets and in trading and rather than paying college tuition we put him into a day trading course which he's actually in right now he loves it he's up every morning he's training on he's learning to day trade he's actually trading small amounts right now to get his ceiling legs and right now that's the direction he's headed you know he's eighteen that could change obviously but right now that's that's what he's learning and what he's passionate about so you know it's it's it's fortunate if at younger ages you can figure that out some people maybe don't figure that out till they're in their thirties but what's.

Critical is the frame that you raise them in that frame to ask the question how do you want to live your life and they see us and the way they live and they are now recognizing as they become adults wow you can guys really love your life and you you're good at what you do and so they're interested in that so from from a young age just keeping engaged in what they're good at what they're passionate about and having them start to build their day in their life around how they want to feel what are the kinds of things that they can do that bring that good feeling and visualizing right visualizing a future that brings them the life and the job opportunities that they want to step.

Into yeah and related to your daughter anthonette's love for coffee i mean she's always going to have a job if she knows how to make magic with the most popular drug on the face.

Of the planet.

Talking about opening a coffee shop because of that so yeah.

It is kind of funny because that's exactly what my sons talk about and like i grew up with a dad as a gourmet coffee roaster my brother and my dad used to go to the barista competitions where you'd flip the espresso anyways though so i'm intimately familiar with the love for coffee and it's a big thing in our house too and my sons they actually want of the things they've listed that they're super interested in doing is opening up an art studio coffee shop so i wouldn't mind that i have a place to hang out in my happy place exactly.

And incidentally you wonder how much influence you have i love music i love rock and roll it's a passion of mine and passion is one thing but i'm really not that talented we have guitars and amps and piano and drums everything in this house they always have set up so now it has to be a hobby because i just don't it's not like a god given gift i have it's just something i enjoy doing that i'm not particularly good at but my daughter on the other hand sitting in my lap when i play piano with her on my lap and singing songs to her she has a gift so for her it's turned into a career but coffee also being coffee geeks we have a whole setup we fresh grind everybody morning we source beans from all over the world we do that whole thing and that's a part of that morning lounge that wake up lounge that's a part of the ceremony that gets the lounge started not that we'd give it to our kids when they were young but for us and we made them other drinks so you never know how much of that wears off and they just find the passion or how much of it was innate in them i don't know my other two kids are indifferent to coffee mostly but my daughter found a love of it so it's just finding what that.

Is yeah and i seem to recall you and i i'm pretty sure that we broke out the band at a random restaurant in parks and city one evening where there was a piano and a guitar and i remember when i visited your house once i was like.

Yeah that was actually a lot of fun and i was actually extraordinarily impressed with your guitar playing in sync i'm.

Working on it i'm working on it i know we were just in nashville i'm actually heading back down to nashville to cut an album pretty soon in the whole the praise and worship music genre so so i'm still working on it okay so another question related to education you had your kids i don't know if all of them maybe it was just one of them but you had them read atlas shrugged which is over a thousand pages i think i've never read the whole thing but tell me why on earth you would have had your kid read atlas shrugged yeah.

It'S one thousand one hundred page book it was published in nineteen fifty seven it is still in publication today after all these years most people look at kind of as a you know they almost wonder if rand ayn rand the author was some type of a clairvoyant and no she just knew how to think and understood premises and how they'd play out and reader's digest in their survey found that it was the second most influential book in the world after the bible number one was the bible number two was atlas shrugged ironically and i've read it probably at least eleven times over the years and the reason is that to me it is a breathtaking extraordinary view of the application of philosophy in life and what that can do to the world as far as how individuals live their life what happens in society et cetera it is just this epic novel that once you read it and understand it they call it philosophic where it's a fictional story where philosophy is expressed it's just an achievement to finish that book and it's the book that has had the biggest impact on me as a matter of fact when laurie and i met i gave her a copy to read and it was almost my vetting process i wanted to see how she responded to the book and that would tell me if we were right for each other and it turned out rather well so i figured if it worked for my wife it would work for my kids too no just kidding but it's an achievement to finish that book and actually understand or digest it and so i just said hey i'm going to put a prize on this if you can read the book and then pass an oral exam with me you get five hundred bucks and so our oldest kid had done that read it we had a conversation and it really helped shape his thinking and gave him confidence in his thinking my daughter has started she's not through it all yet and my eighteen year old i think he'll get in gear at some point with it also so i don't force them to raise read it but i try to incentivize them to do so and by doing so i think it can have a massively positive impact on their life quick.

Practical question the oral exam that you mentioned in the book and i know you also give them that dollar five hundred award but i'm constantly going through a book with my sons what we do is i assign a book for the month and we tend to do one to two chapters each night before dinner so every night we gather the whole family knows seven pm we're in the kitchen at that point the people who have been assigned to a certain dish at dinner during our morning gathering actually have already kind of started into their dish and prepared it but then at seven we meet to review the chapter or chapters of the book that we're going through as a family typically it's like a five to ten minute discussion and then for the bigger books that i know are super meaningful what i'll have at the end of the month is a paid book report where they can have the discussions with dad in the evening but then if they complete the book report at the end of the month they'll typically get paid usually it's like one hundred two hundred dollars dollars around in that range when you're doing something like an oral exam with your kids you just kind of like asking them questions about what they read in the book or did you have any type of formal structure to the way that you have them do an oral exam about the book yeah.

I use the term exam it's not like i'm grading and at the end it just basically tells me did they read it number one and number two did they capture the essence of what was communicated so it's just a discussion which i have them mostly read i'll prompt with questions it's more like an oral interview i'm interviewing them about the book and i want to see if they can if they understood it if they could communicate it and if they did then i know they read it and they did what they were supposed.

To do yeah okay got it there are a couple other premises that you list that appear within the book and i'm going to leave people with a little bit of a cliffhanger as far as a few of the additional premises because i would be remiss not to bring up the topic of meditation during the time that we have i know laurie that you've been pretty involved with doctor joe dispenza and i'm curious how you guys wove that or other forms of meditation into your parenting you're correct.

That that's my background and i think it began with ourself right it always begins with us personally so patrick and i each building our own meditation practice was key my son even reminded me of a that he got really angry when he was really little and told me he was going to go run away and then he came back to see if i was upset or whatever and i was in my room meditating which just made me laugh.

It'S a.

Solid way as a parent to keep sanity other than red wine which we called patience in a bottle but it's really how we build our whole life we build our whole life now around the principles we've learned through meditation and specifically joe dispenz is one of our favorites in terms of of really creating the space in the mind soul body to you know have the coherent brain and heart to live your life from so bringing that into parenting meant and has meant we become the person who is centered and can listen to them and can be natural in the way that we are as a human so that they can observe that right and have this beautiful relationship as they get older we have teenagers who don't want us to leave town still they want to hang out with us all the time our teenage years weren't a stress and as they become young adults i can say i love my relationship with each kid and i think it's based in the fact that meditation has been such a huge part of our life.

Now when it comes to the practicalities of meditation i'm kind of curious how you actually do that did you take your kids to an actual retreat after which they'd keep on practicing certain elements of what they learned there on a daily basis or did you have some.

Other approach yeah yeah so in this case we did do a seven day week long dispenza meditation retreat which at the time i was working at or volunteering whatever you want to call it assisting and my kids came with me we all went as a family but and there was so actually my daughter's done more than one but yeah that's how you do it in our case they came to the event they had the experience and we're in the energy of and that seven days for our daughter especially was transformative because she was able to and i think it was in a very specific walking meditation that he had them doing that she was able to really see her future as a singer and she saw some of her issues with anxiety were able to come up and she was able to there was a great beautiful space between her and her anxiety and she could see that she could make choices in her life around this and there were many other things she got but in our case it was that and then also just teaching them how to bring that practice into their life so our daughter does meditate i can't say that our sons do i think our oldest has definitely tried and trying and the eighteen year old not so much but he is really working on manifesting and his mindset and starting his day the right way so we're getting there now.

As far as the joe dispenza retreats if people were interested in bringing one of their kids to something like that is there an age range that you think is appropriate or he does a.

Specific kids event everything's on his website so the kids event i think is really you know highly recommended in terms of the week long i've seen young kids there gosh i think seven or eight i mean as long as they can sit still listen pay attention and do meditation they can go and i've seen these kids out on the walking meditations with their headphones on and they're just as you know i'm in tears years seeing their you know their commitment to walking through this with with a thousand other adults it's beautiful and he honors he really honors children that's really.

Cool i've been interested in taking my wife to one yeah i hadn't thought about taking my sons but it's kind of like on my radar i've wanted to go to one ever since you guys have been telling me about them but maybe i'll just make it a family event i don't know you think that'd be appropriate to bring like jessa and my sons who are fourteen now.

Absolutely because then you come home as a family you're transformed transformation happens because it's seven days long you can't not leave a different person and so if you're changed that's one thing and that's great but to have the whole family go in and come home with that energy between you it's beautiful okay cool.

I'M adding that to the list i always take notes about calls to action post podcasts i always wind up every week interviewing a few people a week with a whole checklist of stuff to look into so thank you i was kind of remiss to ask this question it's probably the last thing i'm going to cover with you guys but there is a part of the book where you say don't subjugate your inner knowing to external experts who don't know you your values or your child and the reason i was a little bit nervous to bring this up was because obviously we're talking about a book on parenting in which you're reading about external experts who don't know you your values or your child and trying to get information from them so tell me about that and if there was a specific scenario or example from your own parenting in which that really fleshed itself out i'm.

Hoping to your point about the book and our chapter at least is that we're giving ideas and suggestions in other words we're saying it's important to have premises we're not telling you what your premises should be we're saying it's important to have values but we're not telling you what values you should have and to me the whole point is with education and raising children so on is our premise around this is we want to teach them how to think not what to think that's what i think this is really about there are so many self styled experts out there who have agendas i mean i'm horrified quite frankly with some of the things i'm seeing today and and some school boards how they get together and what they're trying they have an agenda for these children as if and there's a battle right now between saying are these students to be brought up by the state or are they to be brought up by the parents and are the parents supposed to have the influence over how these kids are brought up there's fundamental principles philosophical principles at play here that are are serious and significant and one of the things that i get concerned about is when a parent substitutes their own judgment their own innate connection and instinct that they have for their child to an expert you know and i feel the same way incidentally about going to a doctor and going you know it's like you have to know you know we have a health philosophy a certain way we approach things so we know when we're about talking getting recommendations that are consistent with our philosophy or they're in contradiction to our philosophy doesn't mean we don't need help or support doesn't mean that we're not looking for it but i've got to start with who are we what are our values that's why it goes all the way back if i know our values our purpose and our premises now i can read a book like your book ben on this i can go through it and i can see the things that i relate to that would be supportive and help me and advance me in my agenda as a parent and i can also look at the old things and say that one's not for me doesn't mean they're bad doesn't mean they're wrong it's just not for me and this is critical so we need ideas we need stimulation we need books we need the collective wisdom of people who have had experiences have applied what they've done in their life and now can share their success and failures incidentally i many times learn a lot more from people's failures than their success so they can share all that and then i can take from that but i am the responsible party i don't subjugate my judgment for somebody else's that's what it means to be self responsible so you can tell i'm a bit passionate about that as a particular point of view i encourage all people think use your own mind your own judgment but it doesn't mean you can't learn from other people you can't improve on your life or your parenting by learning from other people but never subjugate your own views or your own values because some expert told you that you should do it a different way and i would only.

Add to that feel think and feel feel your own intuition as a person and teach your kid to feel their intuition it's what's natural how does nature occur around us look outside there's no straight lines in nature how does a tree you know lose its leaves it's just trusting a little bit the process of being a human and really being able to use your heart to guide you in decisions and not becoming a.

Program yeah it's interesting because this book has advice obviously from like thirty different parents and there's parents do different things from a nutrition standpoint from a sleep standpoint from a discipline standpoint from an education standpoint for travel you name it but why been telling people as i'm getting close to releasing this book is just read it pick from the best of the best sit with what resonates with you because if you try to pick up every last parent's habits and weave them all into your own parenting routine a you're going to have no time left in the day and b you're going to be pulling your hair out trying to squeeze in i don't know brian johnson liver king's morning kettlebell workout that he does with his kids to joe decent as wrestler coming over to train your kids at four am in the morning to the gentempo's wa lounge you can't do it all but you want to choose the stuff that resonates with you and then definitely read the common threads because in the common threads you come across a lot of the stuff that's so much your guys premises more is caught than taught prioritize family dinners schedule one on one dates and make them intentional be present at the dinner table et cetera et cetera there are certain things kind of like nutrition it's like no matter what diet in all these blue zone hotspots and areas of centenarians that you look at that there are common threads you eat together typically almost no vegetable oils very low levels of starches and added sugars food that's as close to nature as possible some type of tea or coffee or highly tannic or polyphenol rich drink consumed on a daily basis so it's like no matter whether you're following the macronutrient ratios or whatever else there's certain key threads that you follow and so if you approach.

Your parenting recipe your parenting parenting cookbook like that then i think it's a really good way to go and you guys contributed a great deal of wisdom to this book so i guess i just want to end by saying thank you for your contribution and i can't wait to unleash your wisdom upon the world here thanks ben.

I'M really glad you're doing this because i think it's overwhelming to be a parent and i think we have to watch out for perfectionism and trying to have perfect kids and us be perfect parents it's just not realistic so i think it's great your style and approach for doing this and thanks for having.

Us yeah i mean there's a lot of important topics that you cover and i don't know that there's a more important topic than parenting it literally the responsibility hey if we screw up our own lives it's one thing but we screw up the lives of other people that becomes a problem and people who are willing to engage in and take seriously the concept of parenting but at the same time time have a lot of fun it should be the most fun thing you ever do in your life quite frankly but understand that it is important and i have to say that i didn't have the opportunity like there were books on parenting some things we had references to but nobody put together something comprehensive like this that didn't come from an academic you know an ivory tower scholar but literally real parents in the real world living it every day i think this book is going to be revelatory and should have a massively positive impact so number one thank you for including us and number two congratulations it's quite an epic effort you.

Put into this awesome well the show notes for today are at bengreenfieldlife dot com gentempo g e n t e m p o so bengreenfieldlife dot com gentempo the books at boundlessparentingbook dot com patrick lori thanks so much for coming on the show thanks for having us all right folks i'm ben greenfield along with patrick and lori jen tempo from bengreenfieldlife dot com have an amazing week all right this is cool but you want to pay attention because it's coming up right around the corner on friday december second you're going to get a chance to join me and some really powerful healing physicians down in sarasota florida this is a live event goes from eight am to five pm i'll be there my friend and a brilliant former podcast guest the doctor strange of medicine doctor john laurence is going to be there hbot usa doctor jason and melissa saunas are going to be there with their hyperbaric oxygen therapy brian richards of saunaspace harry paul one of john's friends who i recently met who's also an amazing healer for an event that's super unique it's all based around the elements earth fire air and water with a ton of treatments and technologies and modalities and very unique biohacks that you're going to get exposed to during the entire event basically what i mean by that is when it comes to air you're going to learn about hyperbaric oxygen and ozone and air filtration everything you need to know to upgrade your air when it comes to earth pulsed electromagnetic field therapy earthing grounding a host of other ways that you you can use the power of the planet to enhance your health your sleep your recovery your muscle gain your fat loss a lot more water you'll learn about proper water filtration how to upgrade your water hydrogenated water structured water basically soup to nuts everything you need to know about water and how to apply it in your home in your office and your life and then finally fire is a fun one lots of cryotherapy a little bit of ice too breath work inner fire practice practices a ton of stuff when it comes to introducing the element of fire into your life so this event is super unique john and i have been working on it behind the scenes and it has come together amazingly there's even a vip experience if you sign up for the vip experience you could come two days early or stay a few days after the event and basically you will get all the medical protocols customized by doctor john and his staff if you claim one of those ten vip spots that'll include like iv methylene blue laser treatments john's really unique bliss release which is basically an endonasal adjustment which is essentially like a chiropractic adjustment through your nose for your entire skull which if you've had tbi or concussion or allergies or things like that in the past it totally reboots that entire system there's going to also be ozone treatments meyer's iv cocktails exosome treatments iv la laser access to a cvac machine and john's entire facility is going to be at your beck and call if you got one of the vip tickets and then we're also probably going to have a little bit of a party later on in the evening after this event the whole thing is going to be a pinch me i'm dreaming full on cutting edge of biohacking experience and i'm just now letting the world know about it so spots are going to fill up pretty fast space is limited limited but if you want to get in now here's how you go to bengreenfieldlife dot com elements event that's bengreenfieldlife dot com elements event it's in sarasota florida again it's all day friday december second i would come in early and stay after if you just want to try out all the crazy modalities there i don't know how fast those vip tickets are going to sell out but either way this thing is going to be absolutely amazing i just can't wait i'm pinching myself can't wait wait to be on the plane to head down there and do this so check it out bengreenfieldlife elements event and i'll see you there i hope.

More than ever these days people like you and me need a fresh entertaining well informed and often outside the box approach to discovering the health and happiness and hope that we all crave so i hope i've been able to do that for you on on this episode today and if you liked it or if you love what i'm up to then please leave me a review on your preferred podcast listening channel wherever that might be and just find the ben greenfield life episode say something nice thanks so much means a lot.