Hospice Nurse Julie Opens Up About Her Sobriety Journey (With Julie McFadden)

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That is something that I wanted to touch on, uh, and talk about you or talk with you about, because again, I think it's something that a lot of people and especially nurses, I think, struggle with silently. It's very shameful. People feel a lot of shame around it. Um, so yeah, take me through your sobriety. What was it that you decided you needed to be sober? How has that journey gone for you? Yeah, just talk about it.

Yeah, it's one of like my greatest gifts, truly my greatest. One of my, one of my greatest gifts is, is being sober. I've been sober for 9 years and I was definitely nursing and not sober. Um, I never, thankfully, I mean, never say never, but thankfully I never got to a place where I was, you know, drinking on the job or stealing drugs or doing anything like that, which can happen. So if that is you, like, no, no shade. I feel like that's a common thing in addiction and alcoholism, but Really, you know, for a long time, it was really hard for me to say I was an alcoholic because like, I thought I knew other alcoholics and other alcoholics that I knew were in and out of jail, you know, were, were getting fired from jobs because they were showing up drunk or something, right? Or got DUIs or all the things. And none of that stuff happened to me. None of that stuff. When I was an ICU nurse, I never even showed up. Listen to me. I'm like, I never even showed up hungover. Like, how wonderful am I? But only because I was so damn scared. I was like, I have—

Okay.

I know I probably have too. I probably have, but like, I don't I remember it was different as a hospice nurse. I remember getting my hospice job, I was still drinking. I remember thinking literally, I can show up hungover. I remember thinking like, I'm not gonna have to worry if I'm like super hungover because no one's gonna be around. No one knows I'm going in people's homes. They don't know. Maybe, I don't know.

It's not critical situations really.

Yeah, it wasn't a critical situation, right? Anyway, so for a long time, it was just hard for me to really reconcile that I, that I really had a drinking problem. I kind of knew deep down because of how I drank and how I thought about it, you know, but like I was keeping it together. So it's like, who cares, you know? And the older I got, I ended up quitting around 33, but the older I got, the harder it was for me to justify like how much I was really drinking and like what I— and how like when I drank, something switched in my brain where it was like really hard to like just have a couple. I could, but like, who would want to do that? That's where my brain was. I was like, what's the point?

Yeah.

You know? So I started, you know, Drinking. I would be drinking alone in my house, like just a couple glasses of wine, but next thing you know, it'd be like a bottle and a half or sometimes 2. And then I'd wake up in the morning, have to go to work and be super hungover. And I like threw up at patients' houses before, and it just started getting like grosser and grosser to me.

Yeah.

And more and more like a private thing versus like a party girl thing. It just got gross, I thought.

Yeah.

So I eventually did quit on my own where I was just sort of like, okay, I'm gonna take a break because For many years I used to do that. I'd be like, I'm not drinking for 30 days. And then I could do it. And I'd be like, look at me. I didn't drink for 30 days. I can, I'm not an alcoholic. Yeah.

Um, so that 31st day you're like, you know, just like, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. And, um, I remember once saying to my sister, this was, this is just a side note. I remember when I was still drinking, uh, and she doesn't really drink that much, but it was like a random Sunday and I was like drinking my face off because it was like a Sunday fun day. And I remember we, I had to eventually stop drinking because I had to go to work the next day. And like, I didn't want to be like, but I was already super drunk, but I remember being like, I remember saying to her very sincerely, like, drinking is not my problem. The fact that I have to stop drinking is my problem. If I could just drink all the time, never have to worry about stopping, I'd be good. And like, that was like, that's what I mean by the mindset around it is like, I really felt like that.

Wow.

I really was like, That's, that's what, anyway, like, doesn't everyone think that way? You know, anyway, the reason why I'm telling you this long thing is because I think people really don't understand alcoholism and that's how I was. So I like to talk about like the whole— Yeah.

Like the way you're thinking.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And when I finally quit, when I finally did stop this last time, I didn't get help. I didn't say I was an alcoholic. I just basically white-knuckled it. Like, I gotta make my life better. Like, I can't be hungover for work. Like, I'm going to not, I'm going to not do this. And long story short, I did that for 11 months, which was crazy. I mean, that's almost a year. But in that 11 months is when I really, really hit rock bottom, is when I really, really saw the nature of what was going on with me, which was alcoholism. And I didn't really know it at the time, but like, my life got so much smaller. Like, I didn't know how to like go out and do things and be social without alcohol. I didn't know how to like live my life kind of without it.

Right.

And in order to do that, because I wasn't going to drink, I had to make my life really small. Go to work, come home, not really go out, stay inside.

Yeah.

Dinner wasn't fun because like we weren't drinking at dinner. I couldn't like, you know, it was like a bunch of everything I did, it was like, ugh. So I just didn't do anything.

Yeah.

And my life got really, really small and really, really sad. And I was more depressed than I ever could have imagined. I was probably closest to suicide than I ever could have imagined. I never, I used, I remember thinking, I'm not going to commit suicide, but if I think this is how people feel who do commit suicide, like, yeah, I think I've, I've, I've, yeah, I've maybe had those things.

It's like the way I would kind of think about it is like maybe going back to like the plane analogy, like maybe sitting on a plane and just thinking like, huh, wouldn't be mad if this went down.

Like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like if I just never woke up, like, okay. Yeah. And yeah, I eventually told someone, which is a whole nother fun story that I won't tell, but like it was a girl in a grocery store who we kind of knew each other, and we ended up like meeting in the grocery store, then going for a hike. And I was like explaining to her what was happening to me. And I was really, really scared because I really thought like this was going to be the answer, like quitting drinking was going to fix everything.

Yeah.

And then it fixed nothing.

Yeah.

And if anything, in fact, I was worse.

Yeah.

And I was like, I guess I'm gonna drink again because like, what's the point? You know, that's not the answer. That didn't fix it, you know. And I was telling it— this to the— to this girl, and she was like, Girl, you sound like an alcoholic. And I was like, what?

Couldn't be me.

I know. First off, like, who are you? I barely know you. That's what I was thinking. I was like, I barely knew this chick. Yeah, alcoholic. Like, F off, right? And she goes, and she goes, no, no, no, my mom's an alcoholic. My mom's alcoholic. She's been sober for years. She goes to, she goes to AA. You sound just like her. Like, and she still goes to AA and she's been sober for 30 years. She's like, "A is amazing." Blah blah blah blah blah. And I was like, "I don't need to go to A." First off, what's so funny is I have like my family's like riddled with alcoholism. Now no one's gotten sober, but yeah, so many members of my family are alcoholics. So I thought I knew what an alcoholic was. But what's so funny is I never ever learned anything about A. All I knew was like all the mis all the ideas I had about A. Like only old white men go there.

Yeah.

So anyway, because of that, and I was so desperate, she was like, "Just go there to make friends. Like you just need people who are sober too." Blah blah blah. So she took me to my first meeting and like nothing happened. And I just sat in the corner and didn't say anything and whatever. I was just scared. But then that opened the door to me being willing to go to my second meeting by myself the next day. I found a meeting like right down the street from me and I went.

So you're going daily at this point, or?

Well, I didn't know what I was doing. I was just sort of like desperate. And I went to that first one and then it was kind of got me to be like, I guess I'll go to another one. And it was like the next day, because every day I was kind of miserable. So I was kind of like, I don't know, I'll try that.

Yeah.

And that meeting is where I like raised my hand and like cried and was like, I don't know what's happening with me. Like, I'm not an alcoholic, of course. Like, I'm not an alcoholic, but like, I don't really need this, but like, something's wrong, you know? I think just because of that action, it was like the willingness of like trying to get help, because then everyone there is like Girl, we got you, right? Like, here, meet us here. Do this, do this, do this. And then I just started getting into it. I just started getting into the, technically the 12-step program. I'm not supposed to say AA because it's supposed to be anonymous. So you're not really supposed to talk about it on Preston radio, but whatever.

Yeah.

Everyone gets it. The reason why I love that 12-step program so much is because it changed everything. Like, I was willing to do the work people in this place were telling me to do because I was so desperate. And I wouldn't have kept doing it, but it worked. It started helping. It started giving me that relief. It started helping me learn how to live again. It started helping me see what I was dealing with and like treat my alcoholism, which is more than just drinking. It's about thinking, my mind.

So much deeper than that. The alcohol is the, in our minds, the solution.

Yes. The solution.

My question for this is If somebody, and maybe, I don't know if you ever thought about this, but if somebody had come to you when you were deep into your partying and drinking, if somebody had come to you, I don't know, maybe they did, but if they hadn't said, Julie, I think maybe, you know, there's a problem here. Like, would you have been like, whatever, like brush them off? Would you have taken into consideration? Or do you think it just had to be a point where you were just ready to do it? Like you had to be ready in order to take that step.

I had to be ready for sure. If anyone have People have definitely come up to me. Not many though, because I really surrounded myself with people who were doing what I was doing. So we all seem normal. But no, I would never have stopped before I wanted to. Like, because I just didn't see the problem. I just didn't see it being a problem. This was my life. Like, and if you weren't on board with it, you were boring. I remember being on a dating site once, um, when I was still drinking and it was supposed to be like, say what you like to do. And I was like laughing and I was okay with this, but I was like, How can I say like, I just go out on the weekends and party? Like, that's what I do. Like, I don't have hobbies. And I thought that was— and that is okay for some people, right? Like, that's not— nothing's wrong with that. I just knew that eventually for me, it was too much. And I couldn't really stop. It transitioned to like, I'm not really going out on the weekends. I'm like drinking wine alone in my house, you know?

Yeah.

And I think too, I used to think, oh, well, if I just went to therapy and got on medication and like fix things, then I would drink normal, or like it wouldn't matter how much I drank. But that— there's like, for me, that it's a disease. It's, it's a— there's different parts of the disease. Some of the parts are emotional, but there is a physical component where I have always known, even since— ever since I took my first drink, really, that when I drink, something switches in my brain.

Mm-hmm.

And it really— my main focus after that first drink is Get more drinks.

Yeah.

It's not about the dinner. It's not about the conversation. It's not about the friends. It's about drinking.

Yeah.

And a great example of that is I remember I followed Lollapalooza around in my early 20s when I was like really partying. We like were really partying, right? Like alcohol, drugs, all the things. Right. And that's all I did. I wasn't a nurse yet, but I remember I loved the Red Hot Chili Peppers. They were my favorite band. And we finally, they were finally on. And my favorite song came on that I had been dying to see them play live. Like, that's all I've been talking about, but I was in the beer line and I didn't leave.

And you, but you heard it and you still just stayed.

I heard it from like far away. Cause it was one of those venues where like, it's like you're inside and then like all the other stuff, like the beer and everything's like, so you could hear it, but you're not like there.

Right.

And I did not leave. It was more important. And like, it didn't even feel weird to me. It was like, oh, well, you know, but looking back, it's like, oh my God, I missed the moment.

Yeah.

Because I was so preoccupied with making sure I had enough beer.

Yeah. I think that that's where I, because like I said, I mean, this addiction and alcoholism runs so deep in my family on both sides. And so like, I know that I'm like genetically definitely predisposed, like, um, to that. Yes.

Thank you.

And I think, you know, when I, when I, when I reflect on my life up to this point, I think I've definitely had periods of time where it was a problem. But they were like you're saying, it was so easy to like, it was almost like camouflage because everybody else around me was doing it where, you know, be it college or whatever time in my life. I mean, when I was in college, I had, I literally had like 2 seizures from drinking so much. And but like, you know, like, and it was a joke to everybody.

Like, it was a joke.

Oh yes. Yeah, it's funny. Like even my college friends to this day will still joke with me about it. And I'm like, yeah, it's funny, but like not really.

I know.

The fact that I was like drinking to the point of like, you know, because it was like I was just like, I was known to be the one to just like party so hard and just like make a fool of myself, you know. So it was like funny to everybody. But I think you're, you know, just you sharing those kinds of things too is so helpful for people because especially in addiction and any kind of addiction, like it's, you feel so, you feel like there's something wrong with you once you've gotten to a point of you can you know that it's happening, not, you know, I think a lot of people are in a stage of denial about it, which it sounds like you were kind of at that place for a long time too. Um, but once you get to that place of recognizing this is an issue, like you get, it's a shame spiral. So then you're so ashamed of how you're acting, what you're doing, that then you just keep going back to that thing. And it's just like, it's so hard to get out of. Um, and I think it's, it's so, uh, it's, it's interesting just to kind of see, cuz like you were saying, nobody.

Yeah.

You know, in my family has gone through that recovery process. Like, and so I don't, you know, I don't even fully understand like how all that works. So just like hearing you kind of talk about it and how you've gotten to where you are now, uh, it's, I think it's just, yeah, it's just, it's important to hear. And how, I guess, how is your, I mean, how is now, like when you go out then, like with friends, like, can you go out with friends who are having like cocktails and you're just like, whatever? Like, or do you just not expose yourself to that?

Just full transparency. Most people in LA now that I go out to have drinks with, we're all sober. So like no one's really drinking. But what I mostly notice when I do go out now is how much normal people do drink. Like when my sister, like my sister and her friends, if we all go out now, granted, we're, I'm 42. So we're not like going out like I used to. Right. But even if we're going to dinner or something, or we go to the bar for drinks, I notice how regular people drink. Like I thought everyone was drinking like me until I saw, until I wasn't drinking and seeing how people were drinking and see now, like, oh, they really do like nurse a couple drinks, you know? And it's just like, Like, I never did that back home. Like, my very best friends who live in Baltimore, like, who drank like me for years, you know, God love them. They are literally my very, very best girlfriends. I love them. They're moms and like, they're living their best life, right? And I can still go out with them. And again, like, their drinking has shifted. Like, they don't, they don't drink like we used to. And I know if it was like us 3 all drinking together, still, I would be the one being like, let's go, like, let's get shots. Come on, martinis.

Absolutely.

And they might go along with it. But like, I was kind of the one like, let's get this going. But I am uncomfortable. I would be uncomfortable. I still could do it. It wouldn't be like I wouldn't, but like, if everyone was around me heavily, heavily drinking, like I used to, I would not, I would hang for like an hour or 2. And then I'd be like, later.

Because at that point, it's like, why? Nobody's really actually here with me anyway.

Like, no one's really actually here.

Nobody will know if I'm, if I Exit stage left. Like nobody will know. Yeah.

So, but like the other day, I think all of us in my— in the 12-step program, like I have a bunch of friends, right? We're all going to get like super dressed and go to a rave and, and like, that would be really fun to me because we're all going to be together. I love dressing up. I love dancing. Not all the time, but like a rave idea would be like so fun to me, I think. And if it's not, I'll leave. But like, never in my million effing years Colton, would I ever think I could like get dressed up and have fun at a rave?

Without being like drunk?

Without first off being on drugs.

Yeah.

But then, you know, like, that's more of like a rave thing. But like, never in a million years would I ever, would I ever think I could do that. And it brings me so much joy to know that I can and to know truly how much better it is to be fully present.

Like the things that you actually remember because you're actually there.

Yeah.

And then you wake up the next day and you don't feel like crap. Yeah.

Yeah, you're not, you're not trying to like— I think I was using a lot to like have it be better. Like, I always thought it was gonna be better, and I've just learned that like it really is not the case. And like, uh, it's just a really, really beautiful life to like fully show up. It can be hard though too. It's like painful as well because you feel all the things.

But yeah. You can't just go grab that, that bottle of wine or something to not deal with the feelings.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. But it's just definitely a much more effective way if you can get yourself and learn those skills to cope and to actually get through things versus just turning to— it's just, it's, I like say like, it's, I understand why people are alcoholics and such, because I understand that, that, that is so much easier. And I understand that like when you're in that much pain and you, all you want is the noise to stop. Like, I totally understand why people do that. Like, hello, who doesn't want to just like get rid of everything that's going on in our brains? Exactly.

That's why to me, again, I truly want any— anyone who is like sober curious, I want them to get sober however they want to. But I think that's why I needed— personally, I needed a program to do because, um, I needed to treat the noise in my brain. Like earlier in the conversation, you— we weren't talking about alcoholism, but you said something like waking up, you know, like waking up in the morning like, oh God, you know.

Yeah.

I feel like that is kind of my baseline. Like, like as an alcoholic, I feel like alcoholism is like a disease of the brain. And I kind of like live this, live in today. And every morning I kind of wake up alcoholic-y, you know, like restless, irritable, like, and then I do all these things throughout the day to help relieve me of that.

Yeah.

So I can live a full life. And anyway, I mean, it's just, I could go on and on because it's my greatest gift. I truly believe that like the life I have today, the whole Hospice Nurse Julie thing, the book deal. The other things that are happening in my life is a direct result of me being sober.

From the bottom of my heart, I wanted to thank you for being here at Club Nurse.

I hope you gained something valuable from today's episode. And if you did, remember to share this episode with someone that you love. Follow me on socials @NurseDaddies or @ColtonLord17, and be sure to follow nurse.org to stay informed with all of the hottest healthcare topics. Until next time, take care of yourself the way you take care of everyone else.

Love ya.

Bye.