121: Raise Your Game (and Ditch Compare-and-Despair) with Alan Stein Jr.

Hi, this is Charles Michael Davis. Toyotathon is on. So stop by your local Toyota dealer for incredible year end deals on the cars, trucks and SUVs known for their legendary reliability like the stylish and efficient Camry. The ready for anything rav4.

Or check out a rough and rugged.

Tacoma or Tundra, all with great financing and lease options available to qualified customers. Visit buyatoyota.com to find out more. Toyota let's go places.

What's next? This is a question we're all having to ask and answer more frequently. I'm Jenny Blake, your host of the Pivot Podcast and author of the Only Move that Matters is your next one.

For show notes from this episode, visit pivotmethod.com podcast. If change is the only constant, then let's get better at it. Here we go.

Hello everybody. Welcome back to the Pivot Podcast. I am very excited to be here today with my friend Alan Stein Jr. He is a performance coach, consultant, speaker, and author who spent 15 years working with the highest performing basketball players on the planet. We're here talking about his new book, Raise youe High Performance Secrets from the Best of the Best. Alan, welcome to the show.

Oh, I'm so excited to be here. It's great to connect with you.

We met first online through a group for people who do keynote speaking for a living. And I have to say, you just came out the gate swinging like as soon as you joined the group. And then meeting you in person, you have such positive, vibrant energy. And although I don't usually talk about networking and I know the word itself kind of gives people hives, you are someone who I think does it exceptionally well. And I think you're just being genuinely yourself. You know, it doesn't seem like you're doing a skill, but I would love to hear how you approach joining a new group like that because you're clearly pivoting from basketball even into the world of being an author and a speaker. And you've navigated that with such grace.

Well, I appreciate that very much. I will say that it was rather easy to navigate because the group you're speaking about, I mean, is the epitome of wonderful. It's so many, you know, folks that are servant leaders themselves and are looking to give back and help others. So, you know, I immediately felt a warm welcome, you know, upon entering the group. And even through making this transition, you know, it's one of the things I've been, you know, incredibly thankful for is that almost to a person, every keynote speaker and I Say that in air quotes on our audio podcast that I've met has been so welcoming and so gracious and so willing to help out, and I really embrace that because that was kind of the community I came from in the basketball world, where, you know, the coaching fraternity, we all want to take care of each other. We all want to help each other, because the end result was to help kids, you know, help basketball players. So, you know, to come over to a new industry and find that that same harmony has been great. But, you know, as far as the kind of diving in and the networking, if you will. Yeah. I don't know that I have a strategy, per se. I do consider myself a people person, and I'm thankful that I was blessed with a fairly high emotional intelligence, and I have a genuine desire to serve others and to help. So, you know, as soon as I got into that group, my number one goal was, you know, I'm kind of the lowest person on the totem pole, a rookie, if you will, on the corporate side. But I do come from some other experiences that might be of value to some people in this group. So my first thought was, what can I do to serve the group? Or how can. Can I add something to fill other people's buckets? And, you know, I found over the course of time, when you make it, when you choose to emphasize what other people need and what other people want, generally it just comes back to you. And you don't do it with any hidden agenda. You don't do it with any expectation. You just try to serve others in a. In a genuine way, and more times than not, they'll. They'll want to reciprocate. And that's really kind of. That's my networking spiel in a. You know, in a couple sentences.

Well, that's definitely my philosophy, too. And I can say from the outside, right. When you joined, you were immediately interactive. I joined a lot of groups. I'm kind of waiting on the bleachers, so to speak, or I'm at the, like, the wallflower of any given Facebook group. And you just weren't afraid to put yourself out there. And you did always add value, whether it was jokes or funny comics or resources that you were finding. I thought you in particular were and are so good about sharing what you're finding helpful. And then I remember meeting you in person, and it just felt so natural to connect and then say, oh, well, would love to schedule a call sometime. And you always follow through. And it's so funny because I could really see that work ethic from sports of like, consistency and follow through in your actions now making this professional pivot.

No, I, I, I was gonna say I appreciate that. And, and you know, one of the things that's been really neat having made this pivot is I, it's almost as if I have a do over. You know, I spent 20 years in the basketball space and, you know, experienced the good, the bad and the ugly in every facet of that, from the actual training and coaching to the running my own business portion. And, and I learned so many lessons and, you know, I would like to believe now with some experience and some maturity and hopefully some, some newfound wisdom, it's almost as if I'm getting to start everything over from scratch just in a new industry. So, you know, the, the mistakes that I made in my early and late twenties and different habits and things that I had back then, I'm able to start fresh. And you know, had I joined a basketball group in my early 20s, I probably wouldn't have the same energy that I have now joining things on the corporate side because I've been able to, to look back and learn. So it's allowed me to kind of start this new pursuit.

Almost like I'm starting on second or third base. Not that I'm not anywhere close to being home, but I'm still able to start with all of those things that I learned. And that's, you know, that's what's funny because when people say, you know, Alan, well, how long have you been speaking? I say, well, in the corporate world, about two years. But I've been speaking professionally for, you know, 15 to 20 years. It was just always in the basketball space. So I think the same is true on, on entering these groups and making relationships and writing and, and recording podcasts and things like this. You know, it's, it's not new for me. It's just a new audience and I'm just so thankful that I've been able to take the stuff I've learned well.

I love that you describe both sides of that coin that I actually don't hear people talking about pivots, like I get to start fresh, wipe the slate clean as a good thing. Usually they feel that it's an insecurity, like, oh no, what do I possibly have to bring to this new area? But you see it, it's cool that you see it as really a new opportunity and you bring everything you've done in the past. And that's something that I'm often saying to people that you're not starting from scratch. And I think it can feel so good when you hit your 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond in your career to realize that nothing you've ever done in your career goes to waste. You use all those lessons. And even for you, coming from the sports world, someone might think, you know, I've actually, I've always thought athletes must have a pretty tricky time. I don't know if you yourself pivoted from playing. I think you did right. College basketball, that. How do you, you know, how do you translate that to anything that involves business? I'd be curious to hear about how you made that transition and if it was hard, even in terms of your own identity, not to be a player anymore.

Well, for sure. And before we cover that, I want to touch on something you said that was so insightful, but that, you know, what's funny is I actually embrace the fact that I'm a rookie and that I'm new on the corporate side and I actually have to use that to my advantage because, you know, I mean, you know, the, the, the colleagues that we're technically going up against when we're trying to get speaking gigs and, and you're talking about some world class hall of fame folks that if I tried to go toe to toe based on resume and experience, I'm going to lose every time. And, and, and let me also say, I'm not saying that in a competitive nature. I don't ever view it as like you and I are trying to vie for one. I think there's room for all of us to, to have wonderful careers and speaking. But what I found that I use to my advantage is I lead with the fact that I've never had a corporate job in my entire life. I mean, I'm proud of that. And I actually say to organizations that are thinking of bringing me in, you should be thankful that I've never had a corporate job because I'm going to come in with a completely fresh perspective. I'm going to come in and I'm going to share proven principles that have worked for athletes and coaches for decades. And I'm going to show you how you can apply those same things to your business. So the fact that I've never been on the corporate side before, I view as an advantage. And you know, and I realize that, that folks that are quote, unquote competitors, they would probably try to pitch that the other way, that that would be a disadvantage. Hey, why would you bring in a guy that has no experience? So I think one of the, the main Lessons for all of us to, to pull is that we have, we have to use what our strengths are. We have to use, you know, what, what, where our talent lies and where our passion lies. And you know, a quick story that really summarizes this. My, my good friend Jay Billis, who's kind of the face and voice of college basketball for espn, he told me a story several years ago he was covering for, for ESPN Game Day. He was going to cover a game between Duke and Butler. And this was back when Brad Stevens was still the coach at Butler and Butler was just starting to edge into kind of national prominence and Duke was really the Goliath. I mean, Duke has been in the top of the basketball world for the last 30 years. And part of Jay's responsibility with ESPN is to go watch each team practice the day before the game. And this was an early season game, it was going to be played up in New Jersey. And Jay is a Duke alumni, so he went to watch the Duke practice first. And he goes in and he hears Coach K talking to the team. And Coach K says, look, we're going to beat Butler tomorrow because we're bigger, we're stronger and we're faster and more, more powerful than they are. We're going to beat them because we're bigger, we're stronger and we're more powerful. We are going to pound the ball down low, we're going to get easy baskets, we're going to out rebound them, we're going to block their shots. We will win tomorrow because we have the advantage. We're bigger, we're stronger and we're more powerful. And Jay left and thinking, wow, this is going to be a bloodbath tomorrow. I, I've heard Coach K's talks before. They clearly have the advantage. Then he goes over to the Butler side and watches Butler practice. And Brad Stevens, who was an equally brilliant coach, says, guys, we're going to beat Duke tomorrow because we're smaller, we're quicker and we're faster than they are that those big guys can't run up and down the court with us. We're going to be able to fast break, we're going to get easy points in transition. We're going to get wide open shots from three because they can't get out to contest the shot. We will beat Duke tomorrow because we're smaller, we're quicker and we're faster than they are. And, and Jay left and was like, man, I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. But the, the lesson to pull from that is, both teams played to their strengths. Both teams really believed that they had the advantage based on their personnel and what they had. And both teams weren't as worried about what the other guy was going to do as they were worried about what they were going to do. And, you know, as it turned out, Duke ended up winning a very close game. One of Butler's best players actually got injured in the first half, and had he played the whole game, might have been a different result. But I just love that story because I. I use that as kind of motivation as I've entered this corporate speaking world is I have to use what my strengths are, and I can't worry about what everybody else is doing.

I love that story. That is so good because we hear that all the time. Like, you, you know, don't compare your insides to someone else's outsides. We hear these things. I've said them a million times on this podcast. But illustrating it the way that you did with these two coaches and their pregame pep talk, and that they were both right, you know, they both were playing to their strengths as a team and focusing on what they had, and they were completely opposite. And that's the world we live in. Like, it's not a competition, really, when you, if you, if you really. I was just telling. Telling my brother the other day, he was joking I should write a book called Energy Sales. Because I'm like, it's all about your energy.

But truly. Exactly. There doesn't need to be competition. You're the right person for one gig and someone else is right for something else. And I just love that story. So good.

And that's how we have to look at it. I mean, that's the one thing, and you just teed it up perfectly that I talk to folks all the time about. But it's also medicine that I have to take regularly, which is don't play the comparison game because you'll always lose. I mean, it is a game that none of us can win. And, you know, I think on a human level, it's somewhat natural to kind of keep an eye on what other people are doing. And, and, you know, of course, you know, even within the speaking group that you mentioned, you know, I'm looking to see who's speaking where and. And when folks talk about what their fees are and the way they set up their business and all that. I mean, I'm. I'm taking a look at that, but what I try to do is take a breath and go that it's not, you versus me. It's, let me see what this person is doing, and are they doing some things that I can emulate and would work well in my business to help me continue to get better. And that's one of the things I love about that group, is that it's full of, you know, really driven, ambitious, competitive people, but you don't feel any of that competitiveness amongst each other. In fact, I mean, I would imagine you can probably say the same. I had three or four gigs this past year that were referred directly from other people in that group that it wasn't a good fit for them or the fee wasn't appropriate for them, and they thought that I would be a good fit, and they teed it up and handed it to me on a silver platter. And I, you know, I really have a lot of respect and appreciation for that. So what I try to do is turn all of my drive and my competitiveness towards myself. And, you know, there. There's two ways we can do that. One, we can look at a previous effort. So, you know, in full transparency, I'm trying to make sure my 2019 beats my 2018. That has nothing to do with anyone else. It has to do with can I beat what I've currently been doing and, and whatever metrics one would want to use, you know, whether it's number of gigs or average speaking fee or audience size, whatever. But I'm trying to be bigger and better in 2019 than I was in 2018. And then the other way the competitiveness works is not even just against a previous effort. But what about what I believe I'm capable of? Do I believe I'm capable of speaking at these certain events and doing these certain things? And if so, then I need to, you know, stick to the process and stick to the script and recipe to make sure that those things will eventually happen. And, you know, that's where I try to turn all of my competitiveness. But occasionally I find myself, you know, like anyone else, with, with a little bit of envy and a little bit of jealousy and occasionally some FOMO going, you know, how did they get that gig? And I didn't, But I have the awareness now to immediately turn that switch off from being jealous and envious because that serves no positive purpose, and turning it around and going, okay, I wonder what they did to get that gig? And now is that something that I can emulate and I can work towards and, and. And have a genuine happiness that one of my friends or colleagues got to do something really cool? Because I know that they deserve it just as much as I might feel that I do.

Right. I find those sparks of jealousy or envy very helpful. I mean, if they're too much, it can be overwhelming and flooding. Thankfully, I don't get that as much in a professional sense, but when I have them, it's like, it's such a clue, oh, I want that thing, or oh, I'm really compelled or I feel called toward that thing because I'm getting really activated seeing this other person achieve it. And I remember this used to happen to me in yoga, of course, which is like the antithesis of yoga. But I was so jealous of these very bendy dancers in New York. I'm like, man, why can't I do what they can do? And a friend said to me, she's like, be grateful that right in front of you you have an example of what's possible and that you can do that someday. And here this person is showing you what you can do.

I love that. You know, it's funny, I, I've been taking Bikram yoga, it's been about a month and a half now, so I've probably done, I don't know, 18 to 20 sessions. And that's a perfect example of why it's not healthy to play the comparison game. Because I'm, I'm not really good at yoga. I mean, I'm doing the best I'm capable of and I've seen, you know, improvement in those 18 to 20 sessions. But boy, if I compared myself to everyone that's in those classes, I, I'd feel pretty awful about myself when I left and that.

Stop going. Because of course you would stop going.

Yeah. And you know, that's the crazy part because really all of it, it comes down to any outside metric that we would use to, to validate our own self worth or to have an impact on our self belief is not going to work out in our favor. I mean, you know, I'm recording this right now, I'm in my home office right outside of Washington D.C. and it's. If I were to walk outside right now and within 30 seconds, I guarantee you I could find someone that's taller than I am, more, more muscular than I am, more handsome than I am, funnier than I am, makes more money than I do, has a nicer car, has a hotter girlfriend, you, any metric that you could come up with, I could easily find someone that is beating me in that metric and I'm okay with that. Now I'm finally in an age where, where I'm okay with that because that doesn't take anything away from me. I mean if we keep using our speaker group as an example, there are some absolutely extraordinary speakers in that group, hall of fame caliber, like people that, that I've been watching for years and I'm enamored with and their greatness doesn't make me more or less of a speaker. If I have a gig tomorrow, my ability to deliver to that group is based solely on my preparation and the work that I've put in. It has nothing to do with anybody else. Now if someone else wants to compare and say hey, that person is a better speaker than Allan or Allen is a better SP speaker than that person that's on them. But I, I really try to get out of playing that because it doesn't, it doesn't serve any purpose and you know, we just, we can't allow those metrics and that's kind of where, where social media is a double edged sword. I mean I, I, I'm incredibly involved on social because I love engaging with people, I love sharing with people and I absolutely love learning and following people and I devour their content. But almost by design, social media is begging us to play this comparison game and you know, oh well, let me see. Where did Jenny go on vacation? Oh wow. She went on a much nicer vacation than I do. I guess she's better than I am. And I don't think anyone says that consciously, but we're all saying it unconsciously if we allow ourselves to and it's, it's just not healthy and I think it'll end up detracting from our ability to perform and I know for a fact it detracts from our ability to be happy and fulfilled.

Well, I love what you shared with the internal comparing to your past results even with the yoga example. I Bet at time 18 you're way improved since time number one, especially in Bikram.

Oh for sure.

And that, that's so rewarding because I really have been reinforcing this for myself lately too of trying to remember to self celebrate even the tiniest wins. Like I've been doing yoga over 15 years and not to say anything about where my practice is at, but to say that sometimes I'll click into a pose and enjoy it for the first time and it's 15 years, you know, and then boom, one day there's a click or there's a shift and it's like whoa, I'm actually enjoying this nemesis pose that I've always hated. I love that it can happen slowly. It can happen in really small increments. And I just think it's so important what you said. And, and yeah, I'm just so grateful for that.

Well, let me say too, that again, I'm not a robot. I'm. I'm fallible, just like every other human being listening to this. So what I'm sharing is this is my goals for a higher consciousness and to be more mindful. But. But I still fall into these traps and I still, in the middle of yoga, will look over and go, why can't I do that? Yep. But I just have the awareness now where the time spent in being jealous or being envious or comparing myself to others is so much less than it used to be. And I can snap myself out very quick. And you know, the other thing to remember again, if I'm in yoga and I look over and I see you and you're, you know, you're doing a downward dog, and I'm like, you know, I wish I could do that as well as Jenny. Ten seconds later, you could be looking at me and envious of something that, that I have in my life or that I'm doing. I mean, this is not. We also, we tend to forget the things that we have. You know, I mean, I'm pursuing a career that I believe is meaningful and that I really, really enjoy. You know, even though I'm amicably divorced, I have a really strong connection with my three children. I have a wonderful relationship with them. You know, I'm healthy. You know, I have so many things to be very, very thankful for and so many things that quite honestly, if other people are choosing to play the comparison game, they might be looking at those things of me and, and they're envious. They wish they had a better relationship with their children or they wish they had a career that they loved. So that's the other thing that we always tend to look through this thing in, like, it's one way glass, and it's. We only see all of the things that we don't have and what we wish we had instead of taking time to appreciate the things that we do. And, you know, because I. I mean, really, honestly, I don't want to trade my life with anybody else. I mean, sure, I could have more money, and I'm going to work hard to make more money to provide for my family. And of course I could have a nicer car and maybe one day I'll have one, but it doesn't serve me much purpose to sit around worrying about those things. Now I want to focus on the things that I do have, but still continue to try to level up. I mean, I'm not, you know, I'm not talking, you know, completely esoteric and, and, and just sitting here like, hugging trees and, and looking around. I still am competitive and driven and I want a lot of these things, but I have a strong appreciation for what I currently have and spend minimal time worried about what I don't.

It's funny. Speaking of being imperfect, you were talking about walking out your front door. Where I used to live in San Francisco, I would joke that I would get out cuted, like the time I would swing my front door open, some gorgeous girl would walk by. And then now in New York, I live where all the models hang out downtown. So, like, literally there's no better training that just like that metric is gonna kill you slowly if you're kind of basing yourself on that.

Yes, it is.

Yeah. And so it. You just, you just, I think. And isn't this also age maturity? Like, you just realize, ugh, these things are exhausting and they drain my energy. And then focusing on what I do have. And I think you asked the crucial question, which is, would I trade my life for anyone else's? No. And then can you accept all of the perceived flaws that are actually strengths and weighting so often of the time, or they shape us and who we are as the full package. Like, we are each a full package.

There's something I wanted to ask you.

Sure.

There's a lot of great overlap between, like in our work, but there were two questions that you have people ask themselves on this topic of great questions that jumped out at me. One is, what sacrifices do I need to make? And the other is what challenges should I expect? I thought these were great reality checks. How do they fit into this introspection that we're talking about?

I mean, I believe and, and I'm, I love language and, and love studying language and vocabulary and vernacular. And I know that different words have different connotations to, to everybody. So the word sacrifice might not resonate with someone else, so they can sub in a different word, you know, put in a synonym. But, But I really believe that in order to have the things that others don't have, you have to be willing to do things that others don't do. Or you could also substitute the word won't, and that means that you can't have everything. So certain sacrifices have to be made. And it's, it's kind of that old adage, you know, which Which I've learned now, which I believe I'm much more better with my time management and protecting my schedule. But every time you say yes to something, you are saying no to something else. So when, you know, when I say yes to a speaking gig, then I'm saying no to being at home with my children. And there are times where saying yes is absolutely the right thing to do, and I need to do that, and saying no to my children is completely appropriate and it's the trade I'm willing to make. Then there's other times, you know, where that's not true. So I think whatever it is that, that someone is going after, and you can fill in the blank, whether it's happiness and fulfillment or it's success and significance, you know, if it's a certain amount of monetary wealth, whatever it is you're going after, you have to be prepared to make certain sacrifices along the way in order to pursue that. And, and that's really what, you know, coming from the, the, the athletic world, I mean, athletes have to do that all of the time. I mean, if you want to be the best basketball player you can be, then, you know, at the high school level, then you might not be able to hang out with your friends as much. You might not be able to, you know, do certain things that, that you would like to do, but they're not in alignment with what it is that you're trying to do. So I think once you get crystal clear on what you want, it also starts to make some of those sacrifices a little bit easier because, you know, that that's just part of the process. And then, you know, that piggybacks onto the second question about the, the challenges that you should expect. I think one of the biggest mistakes any of us can ever make is thinking that anything worthwhile is going to be easy. I mean, I, I don't know where that, that rumor started, but nothing could be further from the truth. And, you know, even now I love my work in the corporate speaking world, but it's fraught with challenges and adversity and, and you're talking about a business, by definition, that I'm told no on a daily basis. Every single day someone is saying, no, you're not the right fit for us, or no, that, you know, whatever, and, and I'm okay with that. I've, I've become rather bulletproof and impervious to these little no's, and I just keep on trucking because I know they're going to get me closer to yeses. But part of what's been able to help me with that mindset is knowing the fact that starting from scratch and building a corporate speaking business is going to be, you know, filled with challenges. And I can use those in a way that serves me and moves me forward by embracing them and learning from them and getting excited from them and using them to help motivate me and drive me. Or I can use them, you know, to set me back and to cripple me and ruin my confidence and to make me want to give up. So we always have the choice in how we're going to approach these things. But you know, once you have that clarity and you know what things you're willing to sacrifice and what things you're not, you have your non negotiables list and you know, to expect these challenges, then you're good to go. And, you know, one last basketball analogy is, you know, I would always tell players when they're driving to the basket, you know, you should expect someone to try and block your shot or even to foul you. Like you realize that the guys in the other colored jerseys, their entire job is to prevent you from scoring. So why would you be surprised when someone comes over to block your shot or foul you or there's some contact? You should never be surprised by that. You should expect it. And you know, sometimes you'll be pleasantly surprised because no one does and you have a wide open layup or dunk. But other than that, you should expect it. And I believe the same thing is true with, with challenges, with adversity, with failure. We should expect that these things are going to happen large and small almost every day of our life. And I think that mindset alone will help us to persevere.

Absolutely. One of my favorite authors, Byron, Katie. I don't know if you're familiar with her work.

I am. I love her.

Yeah. So what people often miss at the end of the turnaround process, which listeners you could get this free worksheet@thework.com is the original thought that caused so much stress. You turn it around, you end up finding a thought that feels more true, but then the final piece is you say, I am willing to get rejected from a speaking gig I really want. And then you say, I look forward to. So not only am I willing to have the worst case scenario happen, can you find a way that you would look forward to it? What would there be for you in that if that were to happen? And I mean, I don't think any of us are saying, I look forward to my house burning down or anything super serious. But I mean, could you find a reason? And would that take some fear away? Would that take some of the anxiety that's living in your body. Body away? And you just described the same thing, that if you can anticipate sacrifice and challenge, you're not going to be knocked off your game when it happens, for sure.

And here's something I find you just said a great buzzword, which is rejection, which, once again, I'm a human being, so I'm not going to sit here and pretend like I don't feel rejection. I do, but the, the feeling of it is now very temporary because I can shift into this other mindset, which is rejection is somewhat of a made up feeling and emotion. Because more times than not after rejection, we're no worse off than we were before. Perfect example. Jenny, you're hosting a conference up in New York, and I applied to speak at your conference. Well, at this very moment, I am not the keynote speaker for your conference. Well, I apply and then you send me an email back very politely and say, alan, I don't think you're a good fit, or, you know, feel free to apply in the future. Okay, so I could take that as rejection, but guess what? I'm still not the keynote speaker for your event. Nothing has changed. I wasn't before and I'm. And I'm still not. So I'm actually not any worse than I was before. Unless I allow myself to feel worse if I go, well, Jenny didn't want me to speak at her conference, so I must not be good enough. Or then I can start to use it in ways that will actually knock me down a few pegs. But I mean, really, in all theory, it's. It's no different. I wasn't the speaker and I'm still not the speaker. And it's the same thing in dating. I mean, I can even say that now because I'm amicably divorced and I'm in the dating world. If I ask you out on a date and you say, no, I didn't have a date with you before, and I still don't have a date with you now, I am no worse than I was, and, and we can laugh about that, but there's. I mean, there's so much truth to that. And that's what I've learned to do is shift from that momentary feeling of, damn it, I suck, I can't believe it, and then quickly turn that into, hey, I'm right where I was before, so why worry about it? Let's keep on trucking.

Well, even when I was younger, I don't know if it was as young as high school or if it was college, but I used to tell my friends, the door is ajar, meaning that conference that you might get rejected to, you're actually better off than you were before because now they know that you exist. So whether you're a fit for their conference in the future or future, maybe they refer you to the perfect conference that their friend is throwing, the door is ajar. And even with the dating, I remember when things used to not work out or I still had hope with a person. I would just say, you know what? The door is ajar. Like, maybe it's not a fit right now, but they know I exist or a mentor that I really want to connect with. It's like I, I love that. Yeah, by the time this is out, I'll be just approaching co teaching a Stanford Graduate School of Business course. And Alex Rodriguez is the co teacher. And then this amazing woman, Allison Kluger, is the one organizing it, and she's bringing us both in. In any case, Alex has a copy of my book. So I'm like, pivot exists in the home of a rod and Jennifer Lopez. Like, they're, they know I exist.

You know, that is absolutely remarkable. Wow.

Like, I'm so, like, the book is just breathing the same air somewhere, you know, And I'm happy with that for now.

Oh, and you should be. And super well deserved. And you know what's funny? I'm going to throw in a Byron Katie quote or mindset as well, which I think piggybacks on all of this stuff we're talking about. She said something to the effect of, you can have anything in the world if you're willing to ask a thousand people for it. You know, except most people, after they hear the word no two or three times, give up. But if you're willing to hear the word no for 999 times, there's a good chance you can have just about anything that you want. And, and really, you know, our profession of the, the speaking industry and even the writing industry for that matter, there's a lot of truth to that. I mean, if, if, if you reach out to a thousand events, the keynote, one of them is going to take you good chance. There's going to be a lot more than just one, but it's. Are you willing to hear that many nos to get the number of yeses that you're going after? And, and, and I think developing that type of first, it Takes confidence and, and you have to be somewhat resilient. But I also believe that you need to be open to feedback and learning. I mean, had I applied to speak at your conference in New York, if you gave me any type of constructive feedback on why I wasn't a good fit, what I need to do is examine whether or not any of the feedback you gave me is within my control or not. If you simply said, hey, Alan, we already have enough male speakers. I need a female. Okay, that's great. That just means I'm not a good fit. There's no reason for me to feel bad because I don't control the fact that I'm a male, that would be fine. But if you said, you know, hey, you know, your topic's not in alignment with what we're doing, okay, well, that's good. Then I would either have the choice of change my topic or. Or stick to what it is that I do. But we have to make sure we're just focusing on the things that we have control over. Because a good portion of time, a lot of this rejection has nothing to do with us. It has to do with something outside of. Of. Of who we are to our core. And there's no reason to feel bad about that either. So, you know, collecting these no's over time and keeping that door ajar will always get us closer to yeses. Always. Always. I believe that wholeheartedly.

I love that you brought up this word control, because in one of your three major philosophies or categories of action are controllables. Can you explain what that is in the context of your book?

For sure. I mean, I believe that There are only two things in this world that we have 100% control over 100% of the time. And that's our effort and our attitude. That's it. I mean, now, I do believe there's a lot of other things within our sphere of influence. And I do believe that if you take some effort and you take some attitude and you mix them together, you have enthusiasm. If you take some effort and you take some attitude, you mix them together, you have preparation. So there's other things that we can directly influence, but really the only things we have complete control over are our effort and attitude. And, you know, effort's always been a fascinating one, because when you talk to folks, you know, they will readily acknowledge with a head nod or a high five that that working hard is a choice. That when they put in a great effort, it's because they chose to put in a great effort. And and most people agree to that. But then what I find equally fascinating is when we go to the other side of the coin, that means by default, not working hard. That's also a choice. But most people don't. They don't own that half of the coin. They. They start to deflect. And if. If I hold you accountable, Jenny, and say, why didn't you give your best effort, you know, on this project or, or on this proposal, if you're like most human beings, you will deflect that and you'll say, well, I wasn't feeling well, or I didn't get a lot of sleep or, you know, I was hungry, or this or that. You would try to put the responsibility onto something else. On why you chose not to give your best effort. And to me, one of the keys to high performance is, is holding everyone accountable to giving the best effort that they're capable of. And I'm also a realist. I mean, I know I can empathize what it's like to be sick or to be tired or to be this or to be that. So if you tell me those things as a compassionate, empathetic teammate, I can understand why you weren't feeling, you know, like you're going to set a personal record and at your best, but you still have to own that you chose to give less than you were capable of. So if. If your battery is only 70% full because you have been sick and you've been tired, well, then, as your teammate, I expect you to give me 100% of the 70% that you have. And you know that holding people accountable to giving their best effort is. I mean, that's crucial not only to individual performance, but collective and organizational performance as well. And then when we talk about attitude, you know, it's. I mean, I find myself giggling now because I say this to my kids all of the time and my parents said it to me. And, and it's, you know, you don't control what other people do to you, but you control how you respond or you react. And there's so much truth to that. I mean, the vast majority of things that happen in this world are well beyond our control, but how we choose to internalize them and react and respond is 100% up to us. And of course, some things are easier than others to respond in a favorable manner, but it's always our choice. And being open to this different type of feedback and being open to what. What the world is going to throw at us and expect that a good portion of it is going to be challenging and is going to include adversity, and we're going to have lots of failures. Having that mindset initially helps us have a more favorable response. And that is one thing that unites all high performers, that no matter what is thrown at them, good, bad or ugly, no matter what type of feedback they get, positive or negative, that they use it in a way that makes them better. And, and you know, as, as you know, in the speaking industry, a good portion of time when we speak, we're actually given evaluations. People will rate us on our, our content and our delivery, either the hosts or the clients or the actual attendees. And it's up to us to decide how to use their feedback. I mean, whether the feedback is, you know, appears to be outstanding, you know, hey, Alan, that was great. I hope Tony Robbins retires because you're going to take his job if he doesn't. Or, or if someone says, boy, that was a colossal waste of my time, you suck. That's either end of the spectrum and anything in between. No matter what that feedback is, I can choose to use it in a way that's going to make me better. And it'll either reinforce what I was doing so I do more of it, or it will teach me a lesson on how I can course correct and refocus the lens and change moving forward. But either way, that feedback is going to be used as fuel for me to get better moving forward. And I found that if we spend most of our effort and focus on our own effort and our own attitude instead of on everything else, we'll see our happiness go up. We'll see our fulfillment go up. But I know for a fact you will see performance improve.

Absolutely. So well said. As we start to wrap up, I have to say I'm surprised and delighted to know that you've read Byron Katie's work. Wouldn't know if it reached your sphere of reading and studying, so that's super cool. And you and I both share a love of John Wooden because I went to UCLA and he's a genius and his books and coaching strategies are just so amazing. I'm wondering if you could leave readers with three of your other favorite books that you've read in any category. Personal development, sports, doesn't matter. Just three of the most memorable or most helpful.

Well, you know, the hard part about going most memorable is, and I, I take a lot of pride in being a voracious reader. So I have read so many books and, and picking favorites is kind of like, if you ask me which of my. Which of my three children I love the most?

You could even say recent. You could even say in the last six months. Or, you know, because I know, I know it's really hard to narrow down.

I'm gonna go with recent. And. And not that you need any type of shameless plug for your book, but, you know, I absolutely adored your book, and I hope that your listeners know that. That you're. I mean, you're quoted in my book because of, you know, your whole concept of. Of pivot, obviously, with the language is so perfect from a For a basketball to business book. But. But your mindset and the way that you approach and your philosophy has so much harmony and alignment with what I'm preaching in the book. So anyone that gets my book, you'll certainly see a nice cameo from Miss Jenny.

Thank you.

I can't wait to see it. Yeah. But I would say. All right, if we're going to go. Most recent, I most recently read Atomic Habits by my friend James Clear, which is an outstanding book on how to change just the little daily habits that really add up to our success. Another one was the book Win W H E n Not W I N When by Daniel Pink, which talks about the time of day, plays a role in our performance, and that, you know, some people are better off doing their. Their morning, their workout, or their critical thinking or their problem solving in. In the early morning hours, because biologically that just works better for them, whereas other people might be better off doing that stuff in the evening. And then another one was a book called the Third Door by Alex Banion, which was really a remarkable story. He went out to interview all of the world's highest performers and found that there's a few different doors that all of us can go in. We can go in the main entrance of a building, which usually has a line a mile long. We can go kind of in a back entrance. But you actually have to know someone to open that door for you. Or if you get creative, there's always a third door. There's always a third way in to whatever it is that you want to get into. And if you have the grit and resilience really piggybacking on everything you and I have shared today, you'll find that third door, and you'll get in wherever you want. So those are three. Those are three books that I've loved.

That's so cool. I often talk about in Momentum, which is my private community, I talk about the third solution. My friend Christine Ariello calls it the sacred third like, there's often two opposing ideas or things that seem like they're in conflict. And she draws an image of a triangle and calls it the sacred third solution, which elevates above the consciousness of the two ideas that seem to be in competition. And that's consistent with. In pivot, I call it combinatorial questions. How can I do this? And, you know, how can I hug trees, which I do love, and be successful? You know, like, who says, like, we have these paradigms that you can't do certain things? And I think we're all now part of a movement that's redefining success as you do from the inside out.

Absolutely. Oh, that's so cool.

Love that last thing. Can you give listeners one tiny action? I like to leave people with, like, a little piece of homework. If they're listening, they're inspired. What's one thing you'd tell them to do to put this into practice?

Can gladly do that. In order to be the best version of yourself, you've got to fill your own bucket. And especially if you're in any position of servanthood where you're trying to serve others, you have to realize that you can't serve others if your bucket is empty. I mean, if you don't have anything to pour out of your bucket, what do you have to give others? So it's so important that we take care of ourselves first so that we can better serve others. And a lot of people feel that that is somewhat counterintuitive and almost feel selfish, especially if you're a parent or a leader of a business, it's like, well, if I'm focused on myself, isn't that the definition of selfishness? And it's actually not. It's the exact opposite, because you're doing it to serve others. You know, if. If LeBron James were to show up to the Lakers practice and he hadn't slept and he hadn't eaten, you know, he's not going to be able to. To deliver what he promised he would do as far as being one of their teammates. That would actually be an act of selfishness by not doing it. So the homework is for folks to make a list of the five things, and I say things in air quotes, five activities that recharge you physically, mentally, emotionally. I mean, it could be taking a yoga class like we've been talking about. It could be taking your dog for a walk. It could be finding time to meditate or going to a coffee shop to read, or taking a hot bath and listening to classical music. Find five things that recharge your bucket so that you can be the best version of yourself. And then you need to make time to do those things almost every day of your life, even if it's only for five or 10 minutes. You have to make the time to constantly make these little deposits back into yourself so that you can have the energy to serve all of the people that matter to you and that you care about. And not doing so, letting yourself get run down and letting yourself get fully depleted is actually an act of selfishness. And I don't want to see folks do that.

Alan, thank you so much. If you're listening and you want to check out Alan's new book, it's called Raise youe High Performance Secrets from the Best of the Best. Thank you so much, Ellen, for being here. I really appreciate it.

My pleasure. Thank you.

Thanks so much for listening to this episode of the Pivot podcast. Make sure you don't miss an episode or my insider tips and templates by signing up for Pivot List, a curated twice monthly newsletter where I share the inside scoop on what I'm reading, watching, listening to, and the latest tools I'm geeking out on. Sign up@pivotmethod.com pivotlist get show notes from this episode@pivotmethod.com podcast and connect with me on Twitter @jennyblake.

Remember, build first, then your courage will follow. Hasn't it always.