130: Listener Q&A—Why I Can’t Stand the Question “Can I Pick Your Brain” And What to Offer Instead

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What's next? This is a question we're all having to ask and answer more frequently. I'm Jenny Blake, your host of the Pivot podcast and author of Pivot. The only move that matters is your next one.

For show notes from this episode, visit pivotmethod.com podcast if Change is the only constant, then let's get better at it. Here we go.

Hello everybody. We have a special solo episode today. This is our kickoff Listener Q and A episode, at least for this round. I've attempted in the past with, you might recall the grab bag or Book Rx, what I call book prescriptions, which is that I would love for you to drop me a voice note or you can email too, but then your voice won't be on the podcast and let me know what's something you're struggling with or curious about. And I'd love to give you. I call them book prescriptions, as in I'll recommend two or three books that I think you should check out. This is a secret skill of mine that I love doing for friends, probably to the point of being annoying, where if someone tells me something that's ailing them, I go oh well, have you read? And it's probably annoying to a certain extent, so that I'm not just listening, I'm actually giving book recommendations. But nonetheless I you can either write in or leave a voice note to ask for a book recommendation. Or like today's episode, maybe you have a question about something you read in Pivot, something that you've heard on the podcast, something you would just like to hear me riff on or talk more about. You can leave me a voice note@pivotmethod.com ask and I would be delighted to collect those questions for regular we'll have to see how often they come in, but regular listener Q and A episodes. So again, head over to pivotmethod.com ask. I also want to mention that my team and I are busily working behind the scenes to completely revamp momentum and get it ready for doors to open again later this fall. We're having so much fun. It's a natural extension of the JB Business renaissance that I've been talking about on this podcast. Revamping all of our systems, rethinking how things are done, growing the team. All of that I want to share back out with all of you. So if you are what I call a heart based business owner, you're even working a side hustle or you define yourself as a solopreneur and you're looking to grow and expand and set this next stage of your business or your creative projects, I would love for you to join us. Doors are not open yet, but one of the things I'm going to do is launch a free 5 day set. Your strategy sprint in most likely in September or early October. So if you want to be the first to know when something like that gets added into the mix, join us@pivotmethod.com Momentum. That's the early interest list. It will let me know that you want to hear more about what we're working on. And certainly you'd be the first to know when any free initiatives like that are launched and when doors reopen for momentum. So would love to have you there too. Pivotmethod.com Momentum and then you'll be the first to know as things unfold. With that, let's get into the first question and the main question of this listener Q and A episode.

Hi Jenny, this is Milena from Washington. I have a quick question from the episode on your personal Pivot. So you mentioned that you are doing 30, 30 sessions mini interviews with people instead of just asking them to pick their brain. So I would be curious to learn a little more about that because it seems like a really good networking strategy. So how do you pitch this idea to people? How do you organize those sessions and how do you make sure it's actually useful for both sides? I think it's really useful and interesting topics. I would definitely like to hear your riff on it. Thank you very much. I really, really love your show.

First, thank you so much for the kind words Milena. It means the world and Milena has been very, very patient because she submitted this a long time ago and I'm just now recording. So thank you for your patience and for listening. You all can't imagine. It's so delightful for me to hear your voice as well. It's so fun. Although you could have written an email question. I love hearing your voice and hearing more from who's listening and I love this question because I hate the phrase can I pick your brain? And I love 30 30's so I would be delighted, Milena, to expand on both of those things. A mentor said to me long ago not to ask somebody to pick their brain, that it sounds intrusive. And I completely agree. In fact, I came to be almost allergic to this phrase who wants their brain picked? Additionally, I found that when people were reaching out to me saying can I pick your brain or I'd love to pick your brain, I was starting to have an internal resistance. I would automatically not be interested in saying yes because I kind of made the mistake more than once of showing up and sitting there feeling as if this should really be a coaching session or it's not a two way interaction that the person in front of me was trying to extract value from my brain and and meanwhile I was getting drained. I actually this was also earlier in my career when I didn't have as much intuition, frequency, energy management practices. But I would leave feeling drained and tired and a little frustrated that these were not actually get to know you coffees. They were kind of one sided. I want to know what's in your brain, I want to get your advice or I want to know how you do things. Now I'm not opposed to mentoring. Obviously there are many amazing people who have paid it forward to me where they were primarily giving me advice and maybe I didn't have as much to offer in return, but after a certain point this approach gets tiring. And I will also say that as the perspective of a mentee, the times that I have been mentored, I've also tried to bring a lot of value to the table or be a good listener or have two way conversations or send resources and introductions even to the person mentoring me as a follow up or give feedback on something that they're working on. So even even when you are in a scenario that's more mentor mentee, I still think that pick your brain is kind of the wrong mindset and the wrong approach. Or at least not one that would work for me knowing how I felt whenever someone asked to pick my brain. A strategy that I started to do that I talk about in Pivot is setting up 30 30s or 3030 30. These are calls set up for the mutual benefit of both people and the way that I like to set them up. To answer the second part of your question Melina, is by saying hey, I would love to get your feedback on something that I'm working on for even if you said 20 minutes and I'm happy to help you brainstorm something or talk through something that's on your mind for 20 minutes as well. In a in the case of a 30, 30 30, there was one friend where we would not catch up all that often. So we would do the first 30 minutes was on personal catch up and checking in. Then. Then we would do 30 minutes on his business and then 30 minutes on mine. Or you could flip that order around. So the calls were 90 minutes. It was almost like a recurring mastermind call, but with a friend. So he also wanted time for some personal checkup and check in. If you didn't want to give 90 minutes, you could make the call a 202020 where you catch up for 20 minutes, you hot seat something, an issue that the person would like help or feedback on and then you switch. Sometimes when I've done more formal mastermind groups, I've also built in 20 minutes at the end or I've adjusted the timing accordingly so that there's some checkout process. Checkout and wrap up. What's we do this on on the momentum calls that I do every two weeks. We always try to end. I always try to end by asking what's one insight or aha, you're taking away what's one next step you're going to take? And at the start of the calls, I also like to ask what's one thing you're celebrating this week and one challenge you're facing. So that can be a nice bookend. Even at the beginning, if it's a smaller group and it's just you and one other person, you could do a check in one thing you're celebrating and then one thing that you're struggling with or challenged by. And that could lead into the hot seat. But maybe it's also something different. In any case, this format of the 30 30, it already approaches the person with quality in mind and with saying I know anybody you approach, even if they're in a mentoring type role, will likely be working on something and could benefit from your feedback. That said, sometimes I've shared this technique in a room of a thousand people and when I was spoken, when I was speaking at the conferences for women, for example, I was sharing the 3030 technique of friendships and why peer relationships can be so beneficial. And in that case, even if it's a better approach than can I pick your brain? I can't necessarily do 30 30s with everyone in the room or with everyone who would think it's a good idea and reach out to me to ask. So I think this kind of always goes without saying that sometimes the originator of a technique like this, not that I invented this, but maybe I'm just giving it this particular name. You don't always want to go straight to them because they're likely the ones getting the vast majority of the approach for this. But it also highlights something that I think is often overlooked, which is that sometimes in career, we're so focused on getting a mentor. There's advice. Find a mentor. And yes, mentors can be so helpful. But you would be amazed at how productive and helpful friend tour relationships can be as well. I define a friend who are as a friend who we're kind of at the same level. They're a peer, but we help each other, we inspire each other. Maybe we're not even running the same kind of business, but I just find them to be a motivating, energizing, uplifting person. And because we're at a similar level, we can actually form a friendship. Sometimes when you're reaching out to what I call big fish, people that are way farther ahead of you in their career, one, it can be intimidating. Two, I like to make sure I'm going to show up with enough value for them. Of course, I could hear another voice saying, but you're valuable just the way you are. Sure, but I like to think about that in advance. And then three, they're not necessarily going to have the time or interest in an ongoing relationship, whereas. And hopefully they will. You know, one thing I often, and I've heard before, is the best way to thank a mentor is to follow up on their advice. You can certainly have meetings like that and follow up with the action that you've taken and the impact that that conversation had on you. But that person likely already has their friend circle. So who are the people at your level trying to do similar things who would actually want to be your friend? And they find you just as energizing and inspiring. And there's really a sort of spiral effect where you can lift each other up and open doors, share strategies as you're figuring things out. This is why I created Momentum over four years ago, was to create a space for myself and others to go online to get feedback from each other and to help lift each other up as we're all building together. On that note, keep an ear out, not an eye out. I did a recent call for Momentum, which is a private community for side hustlers and solopreneurs. But I did do a call with my business bestie, Alyssa Doucet. We've been friends for almost 10 years. Friend tours, building at similar levels, helping each other in different ways, never having a formal quote mastermind group, but having accountability, email threads and all kinds of ways that we've supported each other over this 10 years. So we did a special workshop for Momentum called How to Find a Business Bestie. That was so good I feel like we must release it to the podcast. So make sure you're subscribed if not already. That will be coming out later in the fall. And again, if you do want to learn more About Momentum, visit pivotmethod.com momentum to circle back to Milena's question, I also think it can be really helpful to set up a visioning call. So let's say you have a friend tour. You've both acknowledged that now's a really good time. You could both use some extra accountability. Have a design call. Maybe it's just 30 minutes where you dream. So one question that came up in Momentum was what if you want the accountability and you want to even set up a 3030 but you don't have time or you're worried about an ongoing commitment, then design it that way. Get clear with the person. Maybe it's just a one time, one off, 30 30. Maybe it goes so well that you say what would make this really fun and inspiring for both of us? Whether it's the frequency of how often you talk, the format you set it up, the length of time. Whenever I have one on one coaching clients, I don't even let them take notes or have their computer open. I actually say I want you sitting, relaxed or looking out a window. Or when I was doing coaching at Google, we used to even do walk and talks around the building. Something that would just shift the energy. And so I could do even a better job of this myself. But I particularly love walk and talks. That instead of sitting and feeling a little frozen in a conversation, it's part of the reason I prefer voice calls over the phone rather than, let's say, zoom. I like to be free to get up and move around and stretch out and not worry how I look on video. That's just me. Some people really strongly prefer Zoom. They want to see each other. They want to see that body language and the facial expressions and that's really energizing. So if you think about what sparks joy for you and even one by one, the friend tours that you're going to connect with, you can design something together. Together that I always like to just go with what really adds to your life. Nobody needs more obligation. Or you certainly would never want to have something on the calendar that you or the other person is not looking forward to. So design it in a way that works for both of you. And then as I shared my personal intention, because I think intention is really important here is. I mean, this goes beyond friend tours. Friends, whomever I'm connecting with, I, I like to bring the best energy that I can. And it's not to say, oh, you have to be someone other than who you are, but do think about how's the energy, your. Your mood, your level of conversation, what you're talking about. You know, a friend worship is not going to last long if you're. You're showing up with complaints or only venting. Maybe you both want to design, let's have a five minute vent sitting. You know, stuff is really going haywire this week and you design it in, but it also has a time limit. Or you show up and you say, I really need to vent this week. And then next time I promise I'll be, you know, back on track. And of course we want to make room. This is the human side of friendship and connection. But the. I think it's very hard for any friend worship or any relationship to develop if you are not showing up with your best energy. And in a way that again, sets the intention of being mutually energizing and rewarding and even beneficial for both people. I even had Leanne, who's. I hope she doesn't mind me calling her out. Longtime Pivot podcast listener and Momentum member. And she made her first trip to the US From Australia and she is such a delightful person that somehow a whole Momentum meetup, one of the first ones, just built itself up around her. We had so much fun. I ended up having her over the following day. She jumped right into brunch with friends like, as if she had been known us the whole time. And even though she was just starting out in her business, she had all kinds of resources that she was sharing to the point where we all set up an email thread after the brunch and shared these resources. And Leanne had so many great things that she added to the mix. So that was such a perfect example of giving and having that generosity of spirit and then being that engaging of a person. That is just easy. It's just there's this natural magnetism. And again, it's not saying, oh, all friends have to be helpful. However, when you are up to speed on your industry and you can send helpful resources to a professional person you're trying to connect with. That's really compelling. And now you're saving that person time and energy and research and maybe even money. And that's great. Then age is not an issue or professional status is not an issue. You're both adding and really bringing a lot to the table. So Milena, I hope that was helpful. Thanks again for the great question and for getting me to stand up on my soapbox on one of my one of my favorite subjects. I really appreciate it and I encourage you if you have follow up questions, please let me know. And for anyone else who's listening, if you want to to ask a question@pivotmethod.com ask, please do. I would love to hear your voice. Just leave a brief voice note and I'll include you in a future roundup. So again, head over to pivotmethod.com ask.

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Remember, build first, then your courage will follow. Hasn't it always.