191: Structuring Free Time as a Single Parent while Grieving and Rebuilding with Karen Allen

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When you're building your dream, you're not just building your dream of what work you want to do, you're building the dream of what kind of life you want to live. And that's what I keep in perspective.

This is your time. How can we earn twice as much in half the time with joy and ease while serving the highest good? That is our guiding question here at the Freetime Cafe, your home for heart based business. I'm your host, Jenny Blake. Join me for conversations with authors, friends and fellow business owners as we explore ways to free your mind, time and team to do your best work. Now onto today's show.

Welcome back Free Timers. I am so thrilled to be here today with Karen Allen. Karen is a super mom, healthy eater and keynote speaker who after experiencing the tragedy of losing her husband, picked herself up and set out to thrive for her son's sake. She's the founder of the 100% human movement, helping others develop a mindset of joy and abundance through her community. And she also hosts the in the Details podcast. That is where we met. So Karen interviewed me and she's so light and bright and full of joy that I just knew she had to come on Free Time to talk about structuring a business as a single parent and so much more.

Like just can't wait for you to.

Hear her take on all things life and work. Karen, welcome to the show.

Hey Jenny, thank you so much for having me. Just to be able to share space with you is an absolute joy. So thank you.

I agree. This is just such a treat. Your story is so powerful and just in talking to you before we hit record, I realized it. It hasn't even been a decade. Maybe we're coming up on a decade of losing your husband to a really sudden tragedy that you could have never seen coming that catapulted your life in a completely different direction. How are you feeling today now, almost 10 years later?

Well, yeah, we are coming up. This will be 10 years in August. I think what you just said really nails it is that I never expected my life to be like this on so many different levels, to be honest. But the tragedy that was the catalyst for me finding my way and my purpose in life definitely was not something that I could have foreseen. Just to give your listeners a little bit of the backstory, because they're probably thinking, well, what was the thing? Okay, I'll jump right into it, if you don't mind, please.

It does create this curiosity which I know I'm shy to even want to ask you about, but if you don't mind to share.

No, it's okay. It's really, really important. And before I share the story, I will say that it took me a while, a lot of healing, a lot of self discovery to be in a position where I could share my story because it is heavy and it is very hard. It was something, when I look at it from 30,000 foot view, I'm like, gosh, I can't even believe that that's my life. But I knew that it was going to be a very important piece of helping other people to see that if I've gone through something so wildly unimaginable and have been able to find my way through, then you can too. So that's why I have come to peace with sharing it. So When I was 29 years old, my background is actually in HR and in recruiting. And my husband was a newly established CrossFit owner. And so we had a beautifully blended family. I was super supportive of his dream because he felt like he found his calling. And so one of the things that we needed to do really to be supportive of each other and to make sure our family is working in a well balanced way. When you have two working parents, that's important, was we were always making sure, like our scheduling, like, okay, who has the kids? Where are we going to be if we have to meet up, where are we meeting, things like that. And so on this one particular day, I had some interviews that I had to do from home that evening. And so we coordinated that I would pick up the kids from the gym. Little did I know by the end of that evening that our entire world would be flipped upside down. Because while I was home doing these interviews, I was actually on the phone with a candidate when I got a call, actually several calls from one of the gym members. And I was using the house phone when I was talking to the candidate. Hopefully your listeners remember what a house phone is. But using that house phone when with a cell phone just outside of arm's reach, I actually didn't even reach for it at first. And it was until I don't know how many times or for how long it was vibrating. When I finally looked and saw several missed calls from this one gym member, I found out that, well, she relayed the message, and I didn't find out till I got there, but someone walked into my husband's CrossFit gym and shot him. He never saw it coming, and he died instantly. I didn't get all that information, though. When I was first on the phone with this person, she obviously was very panicked. He was in the middle of class. I mean, it was just. It's very traumatic for everybody who was involved. And the only word I could actually make out when she initially called was shot. So from the drive from my house to the gym, I really didn't know what I was stepping into. And then when I arrived at the gym, I saw news vans were already there, first responders were there, people from my church, people who I didn't know. And it was just complete chaos. But it was there at the scene of the crime that an officer told me that someone came in and shot Richard. And so one of the biggest questions that comes after people hear this story is, well, why? And gosh, man with a heavy heart, you know, I tell you that they never found out why. It's 10 years later, and somewhere in the first couple of years, it became a cold case, which means that they didn't have. I don't know if it's enough leads to follow or, you know, how they qualify those leads or what have you. But there was this really pivotal point in my healing journey before I was even on the growth journey, where I decided I needed to own my response to what happened, because there was nothing that I could do to change the circumstances. There was nothing that I could do in even a supernatural way to bring Richard back. There was just nothing that was going to change what had happened. But being able to tap into that little glimmer of wisdom in that space where I felt completely wrecked and definitely recognized that my life had changed forever and this was going to leave a lasting impact on my son. And I had to decide, how am I going to respond to this? Because honestly, Jenny, you know, initially being even in autopilot mode, I was choosing to give up. I was choosing to not live. I was choosing not to heal. And I don't think anybody would have blamed me if I stayed on that path for longer than I did. But my son was my North Star, and I was bound and determined that he was not going to lose both parents. And it was from that point on that I became extremely conscious about the thoughts that I was holding, about the habits that I was creating, even about the words that I was speaking over my life, over my friends, over my family. I just became so intentional about life because I found that the only thing we can control in this roller coaster of life is the way that we respond. And that became the catalyst for the work that I do today.

Thank you so much for sharing. Oh, it just. Even now, hearing it, I get heart sick, stomach sick. Everything for you, I cannot imagine trying to process, process in the moment and then trying to navigate your grief while parenting seems incredibly difficult. And I love. You said on the first episode of the Success podcast, where the mic was turned to share your story, you said, I'm not going to let that monster take both parents from my son. It sounds like there was this moment where you realized, you know, if you only stay focused on what happened, that your son would really lose both parents.

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I was in bed and just to like, paint the picture, because I think this is really important. When people hear or see me now, they're like, oh, my gosh, you're so positive. And I can't tell you how many times at the end of a keynote, when we open up for Q and A, how many times I get the question, well, you seem like a very positive person. Do you think it's that outlook on life that helped you get over your husband's murder? To which I say, you are absolutely bonkers if you think that a positive attitude can help you navigate the complexities of your spouse being murdered. Because it is not just that one event. There are so many things that surround losing someone. Death in general. But of course, losing someone in such a traumatic way. When I had that realization that I needed to own my response to what was happening. It was a day when I was lying in bed, I tell this story. There was like cartons of Ben and Jerry ice cream around me. I was not making good decisions.

Hey, it sounds like a pretty great decision to me.

Yeah. Just to lay in bed and just like, spoon feed. But my son walked in and he was only two, two and a half at the time. And he said, mommy, are you going to get up? Are you going to eat today? And looking at him, I realized that all the choices that I was making up to that point, really, I didn't feel like I was making choices. Cause I had very little energy. But we are. We're always choosing. Every moment of every day, we're constantly choosing. The question is, are we choosing consciously and are we making choices that align with the person who we want to be? And so in that moment, when my son asked me that question, that's when I really had the epiphany that the way I respond to this is going to impact his life. And if I give up right now, if I just live on autopilot, if I don't set my intention to rebuild my life and become a healthy, happy, whole mom, that is going to impact him for the rest of his life as well. And so I found an alternate path. You know, I was giving up, but then I realized that I also had the opportunity to get up. And that right there, that power of choice, man, it's something that we all have. And I hope that people feel more inspired to lean into that.

Was there one tiny step that you took just after that realization, just after he asked you that? And for him being so young, it's not like you can explain too much with language. You just have to be and do as his mom, as his rock. What were the tiny steps that helped you move in this direction of taking ownership despite been difficult?

Yeah, because there were lots of tiny steps. And I'm not even saying they were all happening at once, but there's a quote that I love that says small hinges move big doors. And at the time, I didn't realize that the small things I was doing were impacting my brain in such a massive way. But I'll tell you, the first thing that I did, it was gratitude. And this was really, really, really hard. It was so hard because I started to practice it in the depths of my grief when I truly felt like I had nothing to be grateful for. I mean, I, at this point, I'd lost my husband. I had a car that we had just purchased because we were looking to expand the family. And now I was like, I don't need this big car. Like I actually can't even afford it. So that was gone. Which was fine. It's a material thing. But it was symbolic of the end of the dreams that Richard and I had together. And then I was also in the midst of knowing that I needed to sell the house. It was our first big adult purchase together is to buy a house. Well, now didn't make sense with the two person family that we were. So I say all that because everything around me felt like destruction. So how could I find gratitude in what was currently unfolding in my life? Well, the nighttime was hardest for me because that's when Richard and I would catch up, we talk about our day. He was so excited and enthusiastic about this box that he'd created, this dream that he was pursuing the people that he was helping. So when we were unwinding together, like, it was a joy to end our day and think about how much we'd accomplished. And so that became the hardest point of the day for me was the evening. So as I would lay my head on a pillow, I started to be very, very basic with my gratitude. For example, I would say thank you for a soft pillow, thank you for clean sheets, thank you that we have a roof over our head, thank you that my son is healthy. And I was so basic with my gratitude that sometimes I was just like, this is ridiculous. Like, I don't even know why I am doing this. But don't you know? And this is what I found later because I started to study positive psychology, is that gratitude actually helps to balance out the negativity in our brain. Like we, by default, we usually go with a negative bias to life, not to mention all the other information that we're being bombarded with, like from the news or social media, all this negativity. And so when I started to practice the balance of gratitude, I didn't know what was happening at the time. But it was creating these new neural pathways in my brain that then helped me to acknowledge the good and not miss it. It helped me to amplify those bright spots in my day instead of just ignoring them and focusing on all the negative stuff. And it is a practice. I mean, it was intentional at first, but now it's just a way of life. And I realize how powerful gratitude is and how overlooked it is. But I really do believe that that was the first tiny habit that I established in my life that helped me reconnect to life again.

And this all came at a crucial time, not a moment too soon, because shortly after having to sell the house, you know, exchange or trade, I don't know exactly the details with the car. Then you're terminated from your job early the following year.

Yes, yes.

So I can't even begin. Of course, it's not my job to try to even begin b or put myself in your shoes, but to imagine the panic at that because now it's all on you. And this, in a way we know now this set the seeds for starting your business.

Yes, yes.

We'll be right back just after this.

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Take us to that moment. Like now. Again, you're being slammed like small hinges move big doors and then another big door slams in your face.

Yes.

How did you process that? That was happening right on the heels of everything else, man.

And right when I thought that things were getting better, too. That's the crazy part, because it happened a little over a year after Richard died, and the space of employment that I was in was definitely. It was a Burnham turn him kind of environment. But my supervisor was amazing. I mean, when Richard first died, he actually was the first person I had to call because I had other interviews set up that evening. And I will never forget what he said. He didn't say, like, okay, well, what resumes are next? Or can you give me da, da, da. Or can you send that over? He was like, I'm going to stay on the phone with you until you get there safely? That's the kind of human that I was working for. So even when the termination came, I knew that it wasn't a decision that came from him, and he handled it with incredible care. But I couldn't help but feel like a failure because I was a single parent now. My world had completely fallen apart at this point. But what was interesting, and this is something that you talk about in your work, is that I acknowledge my intuition, and my intuition has been sharpened through faith. And I say that because I think there's beautiful parallels between personal growth and faith, just spiritual faith. I don't really subscribe to religion heavily. It's just my spiritual path of faith. Well, you don't always see things working. When you're working on your personal growth, then you start to acknowledge that there's evidence in the things that you've been working on internally. But you actually have to have some faith that those practices and habits are working. And it's the same thing with faith. You may not always see it, but. But you notice it when there's evidence of it. Well, three months before I was let go, I actually started to feel that things were shifting and I needed to leave. And I wasn't supposed to be working in corporate America. Now. At the time, I didn't have a full picture of this. Right. I was still totally consumed with grief. And leaving my job would be an irrational decision. So I didn't even plan on pursuing that. But because it was already downloaded in my soul, what happened was it downloaded as this message of, you're going to take your pain, you're going to turn it into purpose, and you're going to pay it forward to help others. And I literally was like, I think you got the wrong person. That ain't me. So I ignored it. And I was like, no. Yeah. I was like, I don't know who this message is for, but it's not.

Me looking over both shoulders like, no, no, I think you have the wrong one.

I literally said it out loud. I was like, wrong person, wrong person. Because that seed had been planted deep in my soul. The day that I walked in and I was let go, I remember very vividly picking up my box of things, small box of things, and walked down to the car and was bawling. And all I heard in my head was, you're a loser. You are not going to be able to bounce back from this. You're going to fail, Caleb. I mean, I was ripping into myself. We all know that gremlin in our head. And it was interesting. I turned on the radio, or actually the radio was already on because of my drive in. And it was this message about, don't lose your joy in the hard times because some things don't make sense, but later they will. That couldn't be more timely for the moment that I'm sitting in my car and being like, what the heck do I do next? But what was helpful was hearing those words reminded me of the feeling I had in my spirit three months earlier. And then I started laughing because I was like, this cannot be real. But what I recognized was that I would have never had the courage to leave that job on my own. But I needed that push so that I could get on the path that I was really meant to serve in a way that goes far beyond me. I just think that I'm a vessel to help other people. This is not about me, my story. And at that time, because Caleb is and always will be my North Star. I didn't want to make any irrational decisions, so I needed that push. But having that moment, that download of knowing, like, my spirit, just saying, like, no, no, no, no. This is what you need to do. It actually came into clarity. 2020 vision. I could see it. It was because by pursuing the path of entrepreneurship, I would then be able to create the freedom and flexibility to always put Caleb first. My idea of being an entrepreneur wasn't like, oh, I'm going to make all this money. I'm going to do all these things. I mean, eventually it was because I was like, ooh, I could actually create a foundation here. I could build a school over here because I have, like, these big dreams. But initially it was just like, no, Corporate America does not serve single parents well. I mean, they don't really serve parents well, to be honest. There have been some changes in the past couple of years, which is great. I celebrate that. I love that. But the reality is, when you are the only person holding it down at home, people don't understand fully what that means, but you are the only person taking the trash out, picking up groceries, doing every dish, doing all the laundry, cleaning every toilet, making all the doctor's appointments, taking them to and from. You are carrying the weight of everything and working 40 to 50 hours a week. It's insane.

It's totally insane.

So I do see that as that transition, that sudden transition was a massive blessing to help me just get on the path, to help me be a present mom, to help me create a business that I love and one that also serves other people.

I want to come back to the structure in just a moment. First, that moment of laughter when you realize how the universe really has a sense of humor about things where you can go from the darkest depths. And then you laugh.

You're like, oh, I see what you did there. You know, just.

I love knowing you had that. And that's that moment of clarity. And so beautiful to hear you describe how your intuition comes in parallel with faith and having faith that the small steps that you're taking, that those small hinges will. Will open bigger doors. From the beginning, for 10 years now. I just love your commitment to Caleb first and foremost. I love how you're like, he is your North Star. You want to be the best mom. And so you've been so in integrity around that and uncompromising. You also, as you described, don't have buffer. There's no second person around. There's no second salary. So you are building your business with really tight Guardrails in place in order to build a strong, thriving business, but not overwork and not burn out. Because you also want to be the best mom. And actually being the best mom comes first. So take this wherever you want. But you've had to do this at black belt ninja level. You know, like, you couldn't just pull all nighters. You didn't have a day job income coming in while starting your business. So I don't know, you could even start with what it looks like today. But what did you figure out in this time to enable free time and free time to be the best mom to Caleb that you can be?

I will tell you, when I was reading your book, I was like, yes, Jenny, that too. Yes, yes. I'm so glad.

Yay.

You spoke about so many things that I started to implement early on that other people would look down on because one, they didn't understand where I was coming from. Two, we were in a different space when I was starting my business where if you were ever talking about being an entrepreneur, that was like synonymous with grind hard, like hustle culture. Like that is just what it would look like if you were pursuing building your own business. But I couldn't do that. I just could not afford that. Now what I needed to do early on when Caleb was younger was definitely to be more mindful about how I was spending, spending my days. And it took me a while to learn this, but just going back to where the business was, I started building a business and didn't really know what I was building and I was hoping it was going to work, but it wasn't paying the bills. So actually the early part, I would say the first six years of this business being built and getting to where it is today was very much building a dream. And it wasn't a business because I was working multiple other jobs and contracts to keep the lights on and to put food on the table and so on and so forth. One thing I do want to acknowledge just really quick though, I think you also mentioned this in the book is like, I hit the family lottery because my mom and dad were there for me to help out when I was stretching myself too thin. And I don't take that lightly. I had friends who were around, who were around right after Rich died and they were very present in my life and always offered to be there with Kayla. But internally, even though, you know, I had a good group of friends, I had my mom and dad around, I never wanted to be an emotional burden to other people. So I wouldn't just Say, oh yeah, can you keep Caleb for. So I wouldn't do that. So I kept a lot of things on my plate and because of that I had to create healthier systems and structures. If that was the way I was going to operate. I needed to like feel well supported in that. One of the first things I started to do was the time that I was working was never beyond Caleb in daycare initially or Caleb in school. Every day I would dedicate my mornings to him. He had my full undivided attention. I wasn't opening up the computer, I wasn't looking at my email on phone. I wasn't doing any of that. But then when he got to school, I could do what I needed to for work. He got home at three o'.

Clock.

Well, I was done working at three. That was it. It was like a hard stop because my non negotiable was, was that Caleb knew his mom would be present. And if I got a call from the school, from the nurse, nope, I cut that off. Caleb comes first. Now this is one of the habits I had to undo. But early on that also meant he was going to bed at an earlier time. We'll say 7:30 or 8 and then I could start working. But because I'm so passionate about this work, I was working until maybe 2, 3, sometimes pulling all nighters. But if that happened, you know, which is okay, maybe you're creative at night, that's fine. Then when he was at school, I would take a nap or I would sleep longer, what have you. But the whole point here is that I protected my time with Kayla from the very, very, very beginning. And that stands through even today. Now in the business, one of the things that's really important is all of his major events. And I do travel for speaking. And so I worked it out with my business manager. I said, hey, at the beginning of the school year, I'll mark off all of the dates and I will be at every spring concert. I will be at every important basketball game or soccer game or like whatever it is Caleb and I, we actually discussed because he understands that part of my job also requires me to be on the road. And he has this understanding, I think, because you know, he wants to play professional sports. And he's like, oh well, I have a way game so my kids at some point are not going to like see me. Right? And what I said to him was, but I will always protect the days that are important to you. Yes, I have built this business. That is my dream. I love what I'm doing. I love that I serve people, but it doesn't come before you and everything that's important to you. So that's something that, you know, 10 years later, I'm still thinking about, what are those important dates for you? Let's have an open conversation about that. And he knows that I'll be there. And to date, I have been.

That is so awesome. Talk about winning the mom lottery.

Like, he's just so lucky to have you.

And you know from free time, that phrase, how we bake is as important as what we make. I love that you block out your Caleb time and tell him whatever's important to him. You'll make the space and time that you're building your business with that front and center. There's no question there. It's not like, let me miss half your life while I build my business for the first 10 years and then hopefully I'll be successful enough to spend the next few with you. They'd be gone.

That's right.

And he's 12 now, so it's like.

These are precious days. That's what I. Exactly what I was going to say. Jenny, when you think about it, for parents out there, your kids are with you until they graduate high school and then they're out of the house. But really, they start finding their independence a lot sooner than that. So when I was thinking about this, my whole point is, like, I'm going to be there, like, fully. Because when he does leave the house, then I get to do whatever I want. I'm gonna be on these streets, Jenny. I'll be all over the world working extra hard. But I'm able to also do meaningful work now and be there for him. Cause I mean, when you're building your dream, you're not just building your dream of what work you wanna do, you're building the dream of what kind of life you wanna live. And that's what I keep in perspective.

You said before we hit record that you feel really solid. We know things can always change, but you feel that we both pieces, Caleb and the business, are really in harmony. That one is not coming at the expense of the other or at the expense of you. The third in this triad triangle, was that a hard place to reach? Were there years or times where you felt that one was benefiting at the expense of the other? And how did you arrive at this point of harmony?

I remember reading Shonda Rhimes book, year of yes. And this was early on when things were not flowing and I was trying to juggle multiple contracts and doing all this odd end work and what have. And she mentioned in the book how whenever you're focused on work, something is being sacrificed at home. When you're focused on your kids, well, something might be sacrificed at work. And I completely understand where she's coming from. And I took that just as a note to say, okay, if I'm present with my son, maybe I'm not getting to emails or maybe I'm not working on a proposal for a client, but that doesn't mean it's not going to get done. That doesn't mean that they're going to get my second best. Really what I've been able to do is really create three spaces, one for myself, one for my business, and one for my son. And they do overlap, but they also uplift one another because spending time with my son fills my cup. If my cup is full, then I'm serving my clients more fully. Same thing with taking care of myself. Helps me to also show up for my son and for my clients. So triad is a really, really great way of viewing this. And I think the biggest thing for me was knowing that there's nothing I can rush or force that and trusting that everything will happen at the right time. I see a lot of little videos about this, so I don't know who the originator is, but the stones and the pebbles, if you put all the small pebbles in, you can't fit the stones in. The big things that you need to focus on. But if you put the stones in, then all the little things will fill in around that. Well, my big stones were my health and well being, my son and my business and all the other little stuff, it just fills in. When you prioritize those things and release the mindset that if I'm doing this, something else is lacking. No, you'll get to it when the timing is right and the time will be right for it to unfold or be fruitful in the way that it's needed in the world. So we can't force things, but if we just continue to focus on the priority in the moment, the other things, they will fall right into place. At least that's the evidence that I've seen in my own life.

Yeah, that's a Stephen Covey, the big rocks. I'll link in the show notes Oliver Berkman in 4,000 weeks. And in our conversation, he takes that to task a little bit as well because he's like, what if you have more big rocks than fit in the jar? You know, like, so I love how helpful thinking of your three big rocks, this triumvirate of greatness, how it fits, and just keeping in mind that the rest really are smaller. I also love Oliver Berkman's take on this. I'll include our free time conversation in the show notes and a link to his fantastic book, 4000 Weeks. He kind of takes this to task, saying, well, what if you have more big rocks? And then how do we fit those in? So although there's never stasis around this, it's so clear just listening to you. You are so clear on your priorities and that insight and gratitude, going back to gratitude that when I take care of each of these three big rocks or edges of the triangle, it is life giving. Each one serves the next. They're not at the expense of each other. And you just put that so beautifully.

So I just want to point out, it's not that I have never felt overwhelmed. Like, I'm literally in a season where I'm like, I have five big projects right now. Yeah, that happens. But I will tell you as soon as I sense that. So our bodies give off these, like, signals, like, hey, something's going on here. So I can feel it pretty quickly when I'm overwhelmed or trying to do too much. That's my personal problem. I try and do too much all at once. And because I have really gotten clear on what my values are. And obviously one of my greatest values is my son and our time together, but also serving people and serving them well and giving them undivided attention. But just being clear on that helps me, when I feel overwhelmed, to bring myself right back to those core values of, like, okay, you may have six different projects that you have on your plate right now, and you're trying to do them all in, like, bite size when really you need to create. This is a terminology I learned from you, this deep workspace. And that actually has helped me to be in flow and create better quality content or better quality services or better content on the podcast, like, any of that. When I carve out that space and create that space to go deeper, then I don't have to keep coming back to it and feel overwhelmed or scattered because I can designate and really just focus and allow myself to flow because I've created a sacred space to do so.

We'll be right back just after this.

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You've also created and shifted the business over the last decade around how the business itself is positioned. But before we hit record, I was like, why aren't we recording yet? You had this mic drop moment where you said, it is Karen Allen and this is how I serve the world. Just stepping into those shoes of you front and center on the website in your business serving the world. And I know there are a lot of business owners that often debate, do I put myself front and center or do I name the business something else and then be the ghost in the machine? It's not always an easy question, and there's not always a right or wrong answer. How did you arrive at this point.

Where you are today?

It is Karen Allen.

Oh man. Well, this was also like an intuitive journey because initially I was uncomfortable putting myself out there. And I also had this vision of it's not just me, it would be like a team of people serving others and serving the world. So the first name was Widows at Work. And I was just thinking more so of like, how we could create these healthy workplaces where when grief is present, we lead with compassion and we put compassion into action and very like, practical ways that we can do this. But it was a turnoff for, you know, in doing some marketing research. It was a turnoff and I tried to stick by it. So then I evolved to the grief consultant, which, again, I'll be honest, at each of these, like, moments where I was like, oh, I'm going to call it this, it did not feel completely aligned. But was I listening fully and tapping into my intuition? No, I was not. I was just trying to figure it out and, you know, try all these different things and let's see what sticks. But what I found in the first two earlier stages of the business, the reason those names didn't work is because they kept me in a place that didn't feel aligned with the work that I really wanted to do. Because those two names, they were focused on the problem. But really What I wanted to focus on was the solution. So I didn't want to build a business that was focused on grief. I wanted to build one that was focused on growth. You know, I didn't want to always have to walk around with what felt like a scarlet letter of being a young widow. I wanted you to appreciate my thought leadership and want to engage because of what I have to offer. Not something that was just a moment in my life. I again went through another iteration. It was like, oh, I'm going to call it agency. And it was just all these things. Finally, I was working on my book, Stop and Shift, and I thought about, man, I really care about my legacy at this point. I really care about how this book is going to impact others. And it would mean the world to me for as many people to read this as possible. Because Stop and Shift was the technique that quite literally saved my life. It was how I was intuitively managing my mindset and all of those really harmful, negative, toxic thoughts and situations that I was going through. And so when I thought about the name on the book, even at the time, my name was still my married name, Karen Millsap. But what I thought about was, gosh, I feel like Karen Allen. You know, I love and honor my husband. We were together for five years and I have, what, 50, 60 more years left on this? 70, 90. I'm trying to live like to 150, so, you know, that's what I'm trying to manifest.

Jenni, you got this. If anybody does, it's you.

But I just thought about, like, how the legacy goes far beyond a five year relationship. And this is not to, you know, take anything away from my husband, love him dearly. But in the bigger scheme of things, my legacy should be tied to how I feel most like myself. And so that's when I actually made two decisions. One, to go back to my maiden name and take my married name as my middle name. Which was also a conversation that I had with my son because I wanted to talk through this with him because that means that he would, he would change his name too. It was a beautiful conversation, Very deep conversation. It was so amazing. And we wanted to still honor the fact that Richard is a part of our life, not was, he is a part of our life. And so we wanted to honor him by keeping his name in ours. This was kind of a little God hug moment too, though. My husband's middle name was Alan, my maiden name.

Wow.

I was like, look at this. It's still a part of who we are, but really What I needed to do was get crystal clear on Karen. Who do you want to be in this world? How do you want to serve this world? What is your legacy going to be? And so when I decided that I was changing my name, I also decided that. That this is my business. I am the business. I am a messenger. Not like the messenger, like, I'm a part of this good army. Jenny, you're a part of it. We've met amazing people. We're all a part of this good army. And so why shy away from being me, like, being all of me? And what happened was I knew that I could still build out a team that would support this work, but I also knew that I was going to be at the forefront of the work. And I didn't need to hide behind a creative name. Instead, I wanted to create the name of a place where people could all come together. And that's also how I started to find my way to 100% human. And it was through some work that I did with a coach. And she really helped me to dive in deep to listen to that still small voice, to figure out where is the place where I want people to come together. It doesn't have to be the name of my business. It can literally be the name of the community or the movement that we're creating together, that we're co creating. And that's how I landed on the 100% human movement. I created a space for us to do good work together, to grow together, to be better together. But I also have created a brand that is reflective of the type of person that I want to be, the work that I'm creating and the way that I'm serving the world. When people hear Karen Allen, I want them to experience something. I want them to feel joy, I want them to feel hope, and I want them to experience this light that allows them to start creating their own path wherever they're starting. And so instead of finding a creative name, I just decided to own how I really want to show up in the world and how I want people to express experience. Karen Allen. So good.

Getting a standing ovation from me, girl.

Oh, this is amazing. It was a journey. It was messy, though. I mean, I say it quickly, but.

No, you say it quickly, articulately, gracefully. I mean, but it comes from that, you know, the Leonard Cohen. The cracks are how the light gets in. I never would want to be Pat or Pollyanna about something so awful happening that you would never, ever choose. And it is so moving and incredible how you have adapted ever since. What a badass. What a badass. Brilliant mom, beautiful woman. You all don't get to see her on video, but Karen is stunning inside and out, and a business owner with a thriving business, thriving keynote speaking practice. And I know you have a systems mindset because just the systems and structure to support you in doing all this and being as joyful as you are. We were geeking out about notion, but I know you've got a whole intricate second brain going back there. I love that. So, Karen, if you could leave fellow business owners with permission to do something differently or drop something altogether, what would it be?

I want you to, dear listener, to have permission to do the thing that your soul is calling you to do and to create it in a way that supports you. Because, again, I mean, this is no joke, Jenny. I read your book within this last year, but I have been creating it in the way that you presented it for the last 10 years. And that book had so many God hugs. Like, if I showed you my copy, I literally put hashtag godhug on so many places.

Cool. Oh, my gosh, I love that.

And honestly, just reading that was like, see, Karen, you knew that this was going to support the quality of life that you wanted even if you didn't see evidence of it 10 years ago. You know, now we are starting to see more of that. So, yeah, I just want to write that permission slip to say, do what your soul is calling you to do and create it in the way that is going to support you.

That is so beautiful. As my friend Tor Penny Pierce would say, we're part of the same soul group. And I've always said, I'm a messenger. I'm a messenger. I feel actually very shy about putting myself front and center. I'll do it when I have to. But mostly, and especially with the books, more than anything else that I do, those are a channel, you know, those are just me serving, being a messenger, putting up my antenna in the way that I can. And so it doesn't surprise me. I love knowing that you knew this in your heart. You had already landed on this as a more human and humane way of working. And then it's just you read it or hear another person say it and it's so validating. And that's how I've always felt, too. Sometimes I feel crazy or there's something wrong with me or I'm a bad business owner until I hear one other person say something and I go, oh, my gosh, I'm not crazy. Like somebody else feels this way too and is giving themselves permission to work this way and, like, sign me up, you know, we need this from each other.

And the other thing with that, Jenny, is that I realized that I did it. And even though there were hard times, even though there were times where maybe I didn't have everything that I wanted to exactly when I wanted it to happen, but we were never so down and out to the point where I stopped believing in what was already, like, downloaded in me. It was hard. Sure, there were challenges that stretched me outside of the comfort zone, into that stretch zone, sure. But, like, that's going to be life anyway. I just really feel like the universe rewards a courageous heart. So even if you don't see evidence in it, if you know that's what's right for you, trust that and you will be supported along the way.

I love that the universe rewards a courageous heart. And I couldn't help but think this whole time as well about lotus flowers that grow in mud, that I've always resonated with that. And I just see you as this beautiful, thriving lotus flower and building so much out of the mud and what seems dark. So, Karen, thank you so much. This is such a tremendous gift for you to be as open with us as you have been, as vulnerable, sharing your story, sharing your wisdom that you've gleaned in the years since. And we didn't even get into the systems behind the business. So we're gonna have to do another round to just fully geek out.

Yeah, Jenny, you know I will geek out about notion any day. Let's book it. We're gonna stop recording.

We're gonna book that second one. In the meantime, tell everybody where they can find you if they want to keep in touch.

Yeah, absolutely. Just hop over to the website KarenAllen.co. it's co not. Com. It's not a typo. But also you can find me on all the social media platforms and of course welcome you into the 100% human community. We would love to have you.

Amazing. And be sure to check out in the details wherever you're listening to this podcast.

Yay.

Thank you, universe, for bringing us together for the serendipity popcorn of however your Found the book. Now we get to actually connect in space and time from the soul group connection. So thank you again, Karen.

Oh, thanks for having me, Jenny.

Yes, big thanks to everyone who's here listening. Have a beautiful rest of your day, everybody.

If you've listened this far, you get a gold star.

Thank you.

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