274: Separate Decisions from Difficult Conversations

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If you feel totally stuck in decision fatigue and in spinning and chewing on a big decision, see what happens if you separate clarity on the decision itself from the fact that you're going to need to communicate it to other people someday. What would happen if you didn't have to tell anyone, but you could just get clear for yourself what you really want? What's next? This is a question we're all having to ask and answer more frequently. I'm Jenny Blake, your host of the Pivot podcast and author of Pivot. The only move that matters is your next one.

For show notes from this episode, visit pivotmethod.com podcast if Change is the only constant, then let's get better at it. Here we go.

One of the most confusing parts of the Pivot process is being able to separate making a decision from carrying out that decision and having any ensuing difficult conversations. If you've been here listening for a long time, if you've read Pivot, you know that it's structured around a four stage process. Plant, Scan, Pilot, Launch Plant is all about doubling down on what's working and what success looks like, say a year from now. Then you can scan, bridge the gap, looking for people skills and projects related to your strengths and where you want to end up. Pilot is all about taking action, setting up small experiments, not having all the answers up front, running little tests to see three E's. Do you like this new area? Can you become an expert at it? And is there room to expand? And this can happen within the role you currently have, or if you're contemplating bigger moves, the fourth stage launch is where you go all in on a new direction. And that can be easier than it sounds. For so many of you working on Pivots in progress, and who isn't? After these last two tumultuous years of living, the launch moment can feel muddy and confused because you might have a whisper in your gut about what you really want to do deep down. But the thought of communicating that to other people, especially ones who might not agree, can be terrifying. So I want to take you through A section in pivot. This is in chapter 11 on flipping failure that I find particularly helpful to think about when you have a big decision in front of you. This is a section called Separate decisions from difficult Conversations. In addition to dealing with others reactions and opinions and your anticipation of their reactions, a huge sticking point in this final pivot stage is actually having the difficult conversations that you might need to have with family, clients, managers or coworkers that are going to set your launch in motion. Consider that difficult launch conversations have five distinct parts. And I recommend slowing down your process, slowing down your thinking, so that you can really tease these five parts apart. And it might make you feel more confident in what you actually want deep down before you worry about how you're going to communicate it. Part one is making the decision based on your gut instinct. If no one else were involved, if no one else had a say, if no one else would be mad at you or care or be disappointed, what does your gut say? So that's step one. Make the decision based on your gut instinct. Imagine if no one else was a factor. Part two, figure out how to express the difficult decision in words, clearly and directly. This might mean you script it out, you write it down, you do run throughs with a friend, but first you just need to figure out how you want to put something into words before you ever worry about actually having that conversation. Your confidence will build as you start to get this down on paper and out of your head, because it can be a very intimidating process. Step three, you'll decide when to have the conversation. So for example, in the case of somebody who is leaving their current organization, first you might figure out how you're going to give notice. And then later, when you feel good and confident in your choice and in how you want to communicate it, then you can decide the when when to have that conversation. Step four, this is the big scary part, actually communicating the decision to the others involved. Maybe you're telling your parents about a big decision you're making, or a partner or your manager. So step four, that's the scariest part, is communicating the decision to others involved. And then step five, responding to their reaction and any ensuing consequences or follow up. So many people make the mistake of conflating all five of these steps and they end up so confused when contemplating or facing a tough decision, what really might be happening is that they're clear about, number one, the right thing to do, but they're scared or unsure about how to communicate it. The reason that I even separate step four and five, communicating the decision and then responding to that reaction is that, as my friend Julie says, sometimes the initial conversation is like an earthquake. It can be rattling for everybody involved and everybody might need time to absorb and reflect. So then there might be a few aftershocks or follow up conversations needed to finish working through things. I remember. One example I share in the book is one of my coaching clients at the time that I was working on Pivot, who I call Sadie. In the book, she started coaching with me when she was unsure about what to do. Should she continue working at her small company where she had a lot of responsibility, or pivot to launch her own related business. In her heart of hearts, she knew all along that she wanted to start her own business. And I have to say, as her coach, that's where the energy was. All the excitement was in building this business and her side hustle and how many ideas she had. And she just came so alive every time she was talking about it. So one of the things that we needed to do to give her the confidence to even admit to herself that this was the direction she wanted to go. So someday was give her permission not to worry about when she would leave her company. First step was just saying out loud, yes, I want to run my own business. And then I told her, okay, no pressure at all, but let's just figure out how you would communicate this decision, even if it's six months from now. I find this really helpful with Pivot planning. One, you can kind of try on a decision so you can tell yourself you've made a decision and sit with it very quietly without telling anyone else around you. Try it on like an outfit. How does it feel? How does it sit with you when you sleep on it? After a day or a week or a month, do you still feel confident in that decision or do you waffle? Do you still feel uncertain? So sometimes just trying on a decision without the pressure to communicate it can be really helpful. With Sadie, in this case, I said, let's talk about how you would give two weeks notice and what you would say, even if it's six months from now. That gave her permission that I wasn't going to force her to do something she was uncomfortable with, nor was she going to do that to herself. There was no pressure. This could be a far off conversation, but at least we would tick the box of starting to get clear on how she would communicate it. So together we worked through the Pivot method. In the plant section, she wrote a mission statement for her new business and imagined what success would look like one year after she launched, again with total permission not to stress about the timing of any of this. Then we worked through the scan stage. So we created a strategy for her to work toward that business vision, whether or not it was a side gig or her full time job. We looked at tools, skills and context that would be most helpful as she started building her business, even if it were on nights and weekends. So we thought about what would be the onboarding process for her new clients, for the products that she was selling. How could we just get a head start on creating some of that? Then during the pilot stage, she took small, meaningful steps toward building her business, such as starting to write the website copy and setting up an onboarding guide for new team members. We also at this point determined a checkpoint date at which she would seriously consider leaving her job, which for us at that moment ended up being about three months ahead. So we said, listen, we are not even going to debate this issue or bring it up in coaching for the next two months. Let's take a breather. We'll revisit that decision three months from now. In the launch stage of the process, we worked through how she would have that I'm leaving conversation with her boss again. Whether in two weeks or two months, you can see how we keep creating a sense of psychological safety, of no pressure. It's all good, everything's optional. And let's not even spin about this. Let's put the entire decision on hold. So we continued working out her talking points and doing a little bit of role play, conversation wise of just how could she honor that relationship with her boss and keep that relationship strong while still communicating her total glee and excitement about her new direction?

We'll be right back just after this.

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Jill's having clarity on these four stages and these four aspects of the process gave her such a feeling of relief. And funnily enough, ironically or perfectly, a few weeks later, her gut started speaking out more and more loudly, and she was starting to feel increasingly anxious and bored at work. So even though she had given herself permission to wait three months before giving her two weeks notice, Sadie knew that she was ready. And in a few weeks, she went and had that conversation. So because we were able to separate what her decision was from how to communicate it, from when to communicate it, that gave her that space and clarity to move forward on a timeline that worked for her. And I see this happen with so many clients that something that once seems very scary once you just get clear on some of the details of it and then put no pressure for timing, that their guts often speak up sooner than later and say, well, gee, now that I'm clear, I'm restless and I actually want to get a move on. And a lot of that fear dissolves just through practicing and working through some of these big and small details. So even though nothing could change the fact that having the conversation with her boss would be uncomfortable, Sadie went in feeling confident and empowered because she knew deep down that her choice was the right one. And she also felt so much more prepared for what was going to happen afterward. Giving two weeks notice. If any of you have done it, it's never fun. It feels bad to disappoint somebody. But the best managers and companies feel happy for team members to keep moving and to find the best fit role and to pursue their passions. A lot of companies have a phrase of boomerang team members where they might leave and come back. And the best companies know that they want to keep a strong relationship with their alumni and welcome them back in the future when maybe those team members would have even more skills and value to bring to the organization. Another aspect of this is being able to hear what your gut is saying to you, even when you're filled with nerves and uncertainty. So one exercise that I also share in the book that I love is to get quiet. And for a situation or a big decision that you're facing, ask what does my head say? What does my heart want? And what does my gut say? And that often your gut acts as the referee between the two, that your mind is often filled with shoulds, what you should want, what looks good on paper, what will make everyone else in your life happy. Your heart is your heart's desire. It's that magnet that you have that's unique to you, that is connected to your soul, that is pulling you towards something new and possibly different and exciting. And then your gut, your gut knows when I say what does your gut say? If you get really quiet, somewhere deep down there is a whisper and your gut knows or it can at least tell you one next step that would be most helpful to continue working toward clarity. So I bring you this short solo episode today to say that if you feel totally stuck in decision fatigue and in spinning and chewing on a big decision making, see what happens if you separate clarity on the decision itself from the fact that you're going to need to communicate it to other people someday. What would happen if you didn't have to tell anyone, but you could just get clear for yourself what you really want. I hope you found this helpful. And if you are looking for one on one support to help you through a big pivot in progress or a big decision, or doing role plays on how to communicate it, how to navigate an interview process, or even how to structure your first 90 days after you pivot, I encourage you to reach out to the coaching team. These are such wonderful, heart centered, deeply experienced career coaches with decades of business experience in their own right. I encourage you sign up for an intro session. Those are totally free. Go to pivotmethod.com coaching and then you'll find a link to meet the team. You can see who resonates in terms of experience and approach. And then when you're ready to enroll, we do monthly retainer good until canceled, no minimum required. Enter the promo code podcast at checkout and you'll get $75 off your first month. So again, I encourage you to learn more about Pivot coaching@pivotmethod.com coaching just navigate down to the one on one section, meet the team and sign up for your intro call. We look forward to hearing from you and I'm wishing you well with the big decisions that you're facing. Remember, at the end of the day, decisions are data. Sometimes there is no wrong answer. You just make a decision. It moves you forward, it gives you a new vantage point and from there you take in that new information and experience to keep moving and keep adapting and adjusting. There is no there there and we are all reinventing the future together now in these crazy times. So I'm here for you. If you ever want to submit a question for the Pivot podcast, you can do that@pivotmethod.com ask and again, I encourage you to sign up for an intro call with one of our incredible, fantastic, brilliant coaches@pivotmethod.com coaching thank you so much for being here. Listening everybody. Have a beautiful rest of your day.

Thanks so much for listening to this episode of the Pivot Podcast. Make sure you don't miss an episode or my insider tips and templates by signing up for Pivot List, a curated twice monthly newsletter where I share the inside scoop on what I'm reading, watching, listening to, and the latest tools I'm geeking out on. Sign up@pivotmethod.com pivotlist get show notes from this episode@pivotmethod.com podcast and connect with me on Twitter JennyBlake.

Remember, build first, then your courage will follow. Hasn't it always.

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