316: “Don’t Suffer Twice”

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It'S kind of pointless to suffer in advance and be racked with fear and anxiety and worry because if something happens, you will suffer again. So don't suffer twice. What's next? This is a question we're all having to ask and answer more frequently. I'm Jenny Blake, your host of the Pivot podcast and author of Pivot. The only move that matters is your next one.

Notes from this episode, visit pivotmethod.com podcast if change is the only constant, then let's get better at it. Here we go.

Hi friends, I'm recording today's solo from the park. I'm here with Ryder playing on our favorite dirt hill. I throw a log around for him and I notice waves of anxiety that come and I've had this since I was young. I've learned techniques to manage it over the years, but I thought today that we would dive a little deeper into one of the phrases, just three words that has helped me the most in the last decade. This builds on My Last Solo Episode 312 Are youe Future Tripping? We talked about future tripping in terms of living in the movie of your mind and not in a good way, about catastrophizing and even self fulfilling prophecy. I remember one time I was in seventh grade, we had just recently moved to Palo Alto from San Francisco. My mom works full time. She was and still does works at Stanford as the campus landscape architect and her job was new. I just remember coming home from school wracked with intense anxiety. It was dread starting to sour into panic. This was before cell phones existed and I couldn't reach her at work. She was probably in meetings. She usually has a pretty full schedule and I started to be overcome with panic that something had happened to her or that she wasn't going to come home. And I'm sure we've all experienced this, especially when you're young, in this case like preteen years of not really having any tools how to manage this anxiety. It consumed me and this would happen a lot. Even today as an adult I often will have a sense of Memento Mori, considering death. But as it relates to everybody I love. Sometimes I'm overcome with guilt. Sometimes I'm overcome with fear. A sense of very high pressure. I worry that maybe this is the last conversation I'll get to have with someone. Doesn't matter who it might be. My mom, my dad, my brother, my husband, my grandma. Like we never know. And that is the truth of life. That is the truth of unpredictability and the reality that we live in. But for me, it's very prominent and it always has been. Even with my three books, they were such high stakes, heart centered, important projects to me that I worried, what if I die before these are published? And in fact, for every single book I have told, usually my brother, I say, please make sure that this book still makes its way into the world, even if I die before the publication date. I know that that's a weird thing to say. In fact, sometimes when I've said this, people look at me like I'm crazy. What's wrong with you? Everything's going to be fine. But in my mind, my anxious inner self. Says who? Anything truly can happen at any time. And one of the reasons that I wrote Pivot was that I wanted to get better at navigating this very sensitive, inner emotional world. You all know by now one of the mantras of Pivot. If change is the only constant, let's get better at it. Well, part of it is also learning to harness fear and worry, because uncertainty inherently brings fear and worry. And career change as well. Because career is tied to money and our very survival. Things continue to be super weird in the economy. I kept thinking, okay, 2020 was going to be the worst of it. That's what really turned things upside down. Things are going to improve in 21:22. We'll be back to normal by 23. No chance. They continue to be super tumultuous. And it's even more confusing now in some ways than when the pandemic first hit. I want to read you an excerpt from the introduction of Pivot where I talk about some of these ideas. Career changes seem to threaten our most fundamental needs on Maslow's hierarchy. Food, shelter, clothing and safety. In addition to higher level needs for belonging, esteem and even self actualization. We're afraid that if we make one wrong move, we'll soon become homeless or forced to live in our parents basement, unemployed, unable to fend for our very survival. Perceiving this potential threat to our primary needs, we freeze, flee or fight the nagging voice within us that seeks greater fulfillment. As Stephen Grose writes in the Examined Life, all change involves loss. It is natural to fear change when we know that we must grieve what we may leave in its wake. Even the most exciting changes can be bittersweet, as they often involve letting something else go. But many of us fear change for a more rational reason. We anticipate worst case scenarios which may or may not occur. To remain calm and to have access to our most creative faculties. We must learn to see the new career change landscape as normal, expected, and part of a revolution ripe with opportunity. As my friend Monica's mom advises when she worries about the future, don't suffer twice.

There it is. That's the little phrase that for 10 years has served me so well. Shout out to Monbon Monica McCarthy I just love these words of wisdom from her mom. Don't suffer twice. In the example of me worrying that day of when my mom was going to come home, if she was going to come home, I was suffering all day. Because this phrase, as I'm sure you can interpret as well, is it's kind of pointless to suffer in advance and be racked with fear and anxiety and worry because if something happens, you will suffer again. So don't suffer twice.

We'll be right back just after this.

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I tried to find the origins of the phrase and I couldn't find the precise origin in this case. Some say maybe it dates back to Roman times. And there's also Buddhist concept of the second arrow. I think of the second arrow as a slightly different thing. In Buddhist terms, the second arrow is an allegory used to illustrate how our reactions to pain or suffering can often exacerbate the initial discomfort or distress. For example, if a person is struck by an arrow, they might experience physical pain, but then their emotional reactions to that pain could magnify the initial pain. So the first arrow can represent unavoidable pain or challenges in life, while the second arrow is us making them worse with our stories, our mental and emotional responses to those challenges, which can often create a suffering spiral. An example just from today of the second arrow is Michael is about to board an international flight and our interactions and conversations are 99% wonderful and joyful. But this morning I was a little cranky. I had just woken up, I was feeling overwhelmed. I had a lot I wanted to tackle before he came home, and so I was not my best self on our call. And then he boarded the plane so there's no way for me to reach him for the next eight hours. The second arrow was that not only did I not have a great interaction, one I would have loved, especially given what I told you about Memento Mori and having a tendency to just worry when my last interaction with any loved one will be. The second and third and fourth and fifth arrows were me beating myself up for the rest of the day because I had no way to clear the air. I mean, I did leave him a voice memo, but I had no way to connect with him and resolve it immediately. So I really found myself needing to practice what I'm sharing with you right now, which is not firing second, third, fourth, fifth arrows at myself to say, what were you thinking? Why couldn't you just get a grip? Why did you let your stress get to you like that? Why did you talk to him like that? What's wrong with you? You suck, essentially. And so when I notice myself doing that, I remind myself not to send these follow up arrows whenever I can help it.

In episode 312, I mentioned the phrase that I've heard both Tosha Silver and Penny Pierce say that worrying is praying for what you don't want. The other piece of that I wanted to expand on today is worrying for other people is not that helpful either. Tosha Silver's the one who kind of explained this to me through the community that I was a part of for a while, and her books, of course, which I'll put in the show notes. But consider when somebody says I'm worried about you, it feels icky. It feels kind of gross. It's like a blanket that you don't want or one sweater too many. If you find yourself worrying about somebody, take a page out of Free Time eyes on your own paper. Worry is not ultimately the energy of abundance. I encourage you to check out a free Time episode called Imagine a World of Abundance. This was a delightful serendipity signage spotting. I'll put the link in the show notes where it just shifted my mindset. And so instead of worrying about other people or for other people on behalf of other people, try sending good thoughts, prayers, good vibes. Just imagine the best. Imagine the best outcome. And if you find yourself imagining the worst, remember, don't suffer twice. Picture the best, hope for the best, drop the thoughts, get out of the movie of your mind, the future, tripping, catastrophizing, and just return to the present moment. As I record this, I'm sitting here in the dirt, as I mentioned, with Ryder with his big log that I throw around for him on the hill. And it just strikes me all the times that little incidents have happened that send my adrenaline spiking. My heart pounds out of my chest if a dog turns a corner and growls at us. Or random things that will happen in New York City that are just unpredictable. It's definitely a kind of high vigilance activity to walk a dog in New York City because there's always some kind of weird thing that goes on. The other morning it was so beautiful and snowy. It was sunrise, it was just me and Ryder. And I'm blissed out, enjoying the snowflakes because we've only had one or two days of snow. And all of a sudden, out of nowhere, a man yells, screams this primal scream. And I look over and he's not wearing any pants. And I was just scared half to death and started running with Ryder. And I swear, you don't expect these things, but according to National Geographic, dogs only have a memory of two minutes when these events happen. I've seen it so many times. Even if he has an interaction with a dog or they're growling at each other, in two minutes, he has forgotten that that ever happened, that that ever existed. What would happen if we took a page out of our furry friend's book and tried to drop things that we were chewing on in two minutes? In pivot, I talk about sometimes worries being like a chew toy for the mind. They don't actually provide any nutritional value. Too much thinking and pondering. It's just a chew toy for the mind. You're not eating actual nutrition, you're just staying busy.

With that. I'll leave you with an experiment this week. If you notice yourself worrying or anxious, try to remind yourself those three little words from man Bonh's mom. Don't suffer twice. Thank you so much for listening. Have a beautiful rest of your day.

Thanks so much for listening to this episode of the Pivot Podcast. Make sure you don't miss an episode or my insider tips and templates by signing up for Pivot List, a curated twice monthly newsletter where I share the inside scoop on what I'm reading, why, watching, listening to, and the latest tools I'm geeking out on. Sign up@pivotmethod.com pivotlist get show notes from this episode@pivotmethod.com podcast and connect with me on Twitter @jennyblake.

Remember, build first, then your courage will follow. Hasn't it always.

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