171 - How To Create Healthy Relationships with Rae Jenkins - #GrowYourLife

Hey, everyone. Thanks for listening to the Grow youw Life podcast. My name is Jared Mike Krakowski, and if we haven't met yet, I help coaches and trainers use the tools on the Internet, offers, ads, business strategy to get more clients and to make more money so they can make six figures and even seven figures online. Now, today I have an incredible guest. Her name is Rae Jenkins. She has the Superwoman Academy, and she helps women who have experienced traumatic heartbreak heal their soul, turn their pain into power, even if they feel guilty, taking care of their. How to take back control of their life, even if it feels impossible, and become a superwoman, because that's who they are. Ray, welcome to the podcast. How are you doing today, Superwoman?

I am yet alive.

There you go. Awesome.

Pain into power. Yes.

Tell me a little bit about how you got into what you're doing. You're a relationship coach. You coach women. Specifically, your niche is women. And we have a lot of women who listen to this. We also have a lot of men. And if you're a man listening to this, I would recommend you not discredit listening to a podcast that has a woman coach. Honestly, if you want to know how to work with women, how to love women, you need to listen to women. So there we go. All right, so tell me how you got into this.

Okay. Because I was. I was rejected, abandoned, and abused as a child. Wow. Rejected and abandoned by both my mom and dad. I was abused by the people that were left in charge of me. And as a direct result of that, I pretty much ruined every relationship that I was involved in because I was so, so guarded. I was so non trusting, and I was unconsciously controlling, very demanding, because I needed things to be a certain way so that I felt safe and so that I knew that I was heard. And I went through a change. I call it my midlife crisis when my dad passed away. And it forced me to address a lot of the stuff that was tucked. You know, I call it tucked. All those things that were tucked, they came to the surface. I didn't have no control over it. They came to the surface and everybody was like, who are you? Like, who is this? Where'd you come from? Like, where's Ray Jenkins? That kind of thing. And as a result of me doing the work, I had to go back and repair pretty much all of those relationships. And that's when, you know, because I learned how to relate to people, and when I talk to people and tell them I'm a relationship coach, I immediately say, and it's not Just about how to get a man. Like, no, it's how to love on yourself, relate to yourself, know yourself so you can relate to others. And that's how I got into it.

I love that. I love. I love what you. You stand for and all that. And your story is powerful. I think there's a lot of listeners on here actually can relate with your story. And I got a question for you. You know, you help women take back control of their life. So explain how you were somebody who is, like, controlling. How somebody can go from being controlling to taking back control of their life. Because those are not the same thing.

They're not the same thing. And that's where it started because I had to realize that there's a difference between taking control and being controlling. Taking control is so much more effective, and it works in relationships. Being controlling, not so much.

So explain a little bit, like how somebody could take control in a relationship. I see you got here her money, her man, her God, her mini me, her. Her family, herself, instead of it being about other people.

Yeah. So how you. I think the practical way of doing that, should I say the most simplified, and it might sound oversimplified to some people, but that's where coaching comes in. Shameless plug. The simplified answer is taking ownership once you understand you, your role and that you are allowing certain things in your life. So I said that I was abused and mishandled, mistreated as a child, right? I brought that mindset, those feelings, that trauma into my teen years, into my young adult years, into my adult years. At some point, it can't be about them anymore. It has to be about me. And I realized I had to take control of my life. And it started with me owning, I'll give you a perfect example, my daughter's father, man. So this cat asked me to have my daughter. He came to me. This is one of my dumb broad days, okay? He comes to me and says, right, we should have a baby. And my dumb self was like, okay. And then because he just disappears, he just goes away, right? And so I'm like, I'm angry, I'm angry and I'm feeling some kind of way. And then one day it hits me like, this man did nothing to you that you didn't allow him to do. Because once he did it once, Once he did it twice, Once he did it three times. You know, this is a pattern, a lifestyle. This is how he is, regardless of what he's saying. This is who he is. This is how he is. And I had to forgive him, because I had. If I had taken in. Taking ownership, should I say, I realized, girl, he only did what you let him do, and that's the ownership. Taking ownership. Their.

Yeah. You know, and I want to ask you this. There's a lot of women who have been in your position, and I'm just going to ask you what a lot of them might be thinking. Are you saying that they brought it on themselves and that they made themselves get abused and that they deserved it? I don't think that's.

Yeah, yeah.

I think that's what you're saying.

No, what I'm literally saying. So here's the thing. The type of women that I work with, they've got tough skin. So they can handle my crassness and my bluntness and my upfrontness. And, you know, the other women, they'd be like, oh, she didn't have to. Yes, I did, because that's my personality and that's how I roll. So I said what I said. No, just kidding. No, I'm not saying that it's your fault. I'm not saying that you asked for it. I'm not saying that you wanted it. What I am saying is you allowed because you didn't stop it. You didn't walk away for whatever reason. And that's why I'm not blaming you. Like, there's no guilt. There's no shame. There's no condemning you for not walking away. I didn't have the power to walk away. He walked away from me. Him and a couple other people, too, who just treated me so badly. But what I understood in relationships was to be treated badly, to be mishandled, to be mistreated. And that's every relationship I got into with the dude. That's the type of relationship that I had. And, you know, no matter how much I barked and no matter how tough I was, he was doing what he wanted to do, how he wanted to do it, treating me the way he was. And I was. I stayed because I didn't have the strength, I didn't have the power to walk away. And. Oh, my God. Oh, my gosh. Okay, so I got a great one for you, Jeremiah.

I can't wait.

This is a great one. So the one that started transformation for me was the one that helped me realize that I didn't have the power. So there was this dude. I was so in love with this dude. Jeremiah. Okay, he was not in love with me, all right? But I was so, so in love with this dude. And we were talking on the phone One day, and he says to me, yeah, so we. Me, you, and your. And your best friend, we should do a threesome. It's like, what? And I cussed him out. You know, I let him. I was like, yeah, no, so don't ever talk to me like that. So remember I said the toughness and all of that or whatever, but after we got off of the phone, he, like, the conversation eventually ended. And when we got off of the phone, I realized. I asked myself, why didn't you get off the phone when he said that? Why didn't you disconnect when he said that? Because you felt so disrespected. You felt so, like, minimal, y'. All. Like, you felt so small. He made you feel so small, and you stayed there. And it was in that moment that I prayed. I said, God, I don't have the power to walk away from this man. And that was the moment that transformation started. Change started for me with relationships, and taking ownership began. So, again, no, I'm not judging anyone. I'm talking from experience. And I know what it takes to get free. I know what it takes to stay free. I know what it takes to walk free. And it may be a hard thing to hear, but we have to take ownership. Without it, no one does the work.

You know, I want to ask you, was. Was those relationships a. A version of how you grew up?

Absolutely. Absolutely.

Were you representing the same pattern of how you grew up in those relationships?

Absolutely. Absolutely. And. But clearly I didn't know it then. Like, you know.

Right.

It was just. It was just felt normal. It felt normal to have someone talk to me any kind of way, treat me any kind of way, make me last, and all those kind of things. It just felt normal, even though I didn't like it. It just felt like, you know, when people would be like, why are you dealing with that? And I'd be like, what. What you mean? Like, you know, because to me, it was normal, which is so crazy, right?

So familiar. Exactly.

It was familiar. Exactly.

And it's funny what you're sharing with me. I almost feel like you're talking to me and my story. And I even think some people who are listening to this right now can resonate in their own story. You know, it wasn't relationships with. With women, but it was friendships. I was getting into toxic friendships with guys. I'm just going to share a little bit of a story right here of myself, these. These. These guys. Because I was trying to get the approval of my dad, and I was going, these toxic guys that they would take advantage of me, they would use me for money, and they would manipulate things, and then they would threaten me, and they were abusive verbally, mentally. And, and. And I got into these fret, and I thought that that's what friendship was. I just thought that that's what all friendship was. Because that's what I saw. Friendships that my parents had and friendships that I had growing up, and I was repeating the pattern. I didn't even realize that. Wow. I'm literally hanging out with some. Some like. Like, I. I try not to be judgmental, but they were not good people. They were not good people.

I'll say it for you. They were.

Yeah, totally. Exactly. And so when I realized, okay, I'm the one putting myself in these situations with these people. I'm the one that's creating these situations, and I'm responsible to get out of it. And I don't know how to. That's what I'm saying. Exactly. What you're saying, I think resonates with a lot of people. I say this all the time. If you're a coach, if you're a trainer, you need to work on yourself more than you try to work on your clients. That's the first thing. The second thing is you need to watch what environment you're in. And so if you're somebody right now who's listening to this right now, and you're in an environment that is not healthy, that you're not liking, if you are constantly anxious, angry, and upset about the people that you hang out with every single day, that's a good indicator that maybe they're not very healthy people for you. And that's no judgment on the people listening to this, by the way, because I don't want people to feel guilty that they're doing those things either, you know, and talk about that a little bit. I think a lot of people a feel like, okay, I can't get out of these situations. I'm locked into it. And then they also feel guilty that they got themselves into it. Talk to those two things. If you could just share a little bit. How did you eventually start to change your life and realize that you could get out of these situations?

That's an awesome, awesome question. When I got involved with network marketing, like, 20 years ago, one of the common themes, well, common sayings was that you've gotta. Your why has to be big enough. Right? And what kept me alive until I knew my worth was my daughter. And so I didn't think that I was worth almost anything. Oh, I wanted valuable stuff, but I didn't think that I was worthy or deserving of it. But I did think that she was. And that's what was my anchor, because I had to continue to become the best version of myself for her to see. So I wasn't doing it for me at first. At first. And sometimes it takes that. It takes it being about someone else. So I tell people all the time in my coaching, stay away from those dangerous cliches. You know, when people tell you dumb stuff like, oh, it ain't about nobody else. It's all about you. It can't always be about you. Sometimes it needs to be about somebody else. Sometimes it being that other person that will change your life, that will save your life. And my daughter was so good. The wind beneath my wings. Because the times, the impact of all of those broken and abusive relationships that I was in, and not only just with men and friendships, family, all of it. Right. In business, all of it. Because I've been an entrepreneur for over 20 years, and it was just, wherever you go, there you are. Okay? So all the relationships, no matter what type of relationship it was, I was the common denominator. Okay? And what I brought with me was filtered into those relationships. It dripped into. It poured into those relationships. And so as a result of her. I mean. I mean, should I say as a result of the impact of all the devastation and the disappointment and the stuff that was meant to destroy me, I wanted to ball up in the night and just die. I just wanted to ball up in the knot and die. But I would think, like, if it's hard for you, imagine what it would be like for this little girl if you left her here. She will go through the same exact thing you went through. And it would just help me refocus. It would help me refocus and keep skin in the game. It would keep me in the game. And that's. And that was it. That was it for me. It had to be about somebody else. Now, those of you who. So the flip side of that is God kept dealing with me about my worth and my value. And over time, he really encouraged me that, you know, the same way that you want this good for her and you do this good for her. Yeah, I want that for you. I'm like, who, me?

Oh, that's so good. Yes.

But the thing is. The thing is, we want the good, we pray for the good, but we can't handle the good. We can't expect the good, and we can't receive the good when we're still damaged when we still in that space of not taking ownership. But once we start doing the work, it puts us in a position where we can start being in a state of expectation. Because the word says that it's fake. You know, it's faith. God responds to our faith, right? Even, you know, Jesus is my dude, okay? So even Jesus said, like, be it unto you according to your faith. Well, faith includes expectation. If you're not in a state of expectation, you're hoping and you're wishing and it's not likely that you're going to get what it is that you prayed for yet, because God will continue to work on you. He continued to work on me. That's what he did. So he continued to work on me and get me into that place where I was able to, to expect, I was able to receive. And that is the biggest, biggest, biggest thing. A lot of times we're praying for, we're asking for these things. And it's not that God is saying, no, he's saying, okay, let me get you ready for that. Because if you got it, I want you to have it. If you have it, you got to maintain it. You know, like if you got a, if God blesses you with that house, if you don't keep the house clean, which is maintaining it, right, then you'll have a rodent problem. You're going to have a mice problem, a roach problem. I'm from the hood, so, you know, we have roaches. I don't know about nowhere else, but we have roaches. So. But you know, or your house is going to smell bad, you know, those kind of things. That's the maintaining. So when God gives you the good that you be that you're expecting, that you're praying for that you're believing for, that you're able to receive. Once you get it, you got to maintain it. And if you can't maintain it, then the enemy of your good is just going to rob you of to take it from you. And you won't blame God for it.

You're gonna go around the same mountain over and over again and say, why? Why does this keep happening to me? A lot of people say that. Why does this keep happening to me?

Ask me how I know.

Yeah, exactly. That's so good. That's so good. I love, I just, I love everything that you were saying. It really hit me about that, like what God thinks about us. And I, and I, and I discovered this past year, you know, self esteem, what we believe in ourselves. And really it comes from what God thinks about us. You know, as a Christian, that's where I get it from. But even if we want to, just. Just believing in ourselves affects our business, our relationships. See, I actually used to think that it was selfish to believe good things about myself. That it was, that it was a toxic thing for me to think that I'm a great person. And that came from some really bad Bible teaching I had. I grew up. It was called worm theology. That taught me in the church that, that I need to see myself as lower than dirt. And. And that is so not true. That is so like. Like God sees all of us as amazing, incredible, great, beautiful, wonderful children that he's created and that he wants to give good gifts to, that he disciplines to when we're not, you know, in the right place, that he says, maybe you're not ready yet for this, I'm gonna, I'm gonna hold out because I love you. You know, it's all. It's kind of like if you gave a car to a five year old, they're gonna crash the car. Going to five year old wants the car. They know they're gonna have the car 10 years from now, but they're not ready yet.

They're not ready yet.

That's exactly how it goes in our lives. And so I want to encourage those that are watching this, if you know a. You got a calling, that God has plans for your life and a destiny and he's given you a vision of where you're going. Stay faithful to the process. Don't give up, because you don't see it right now in front of you. If you hear anything from Ray and I today, God thinks that you're amazing.

He thinks you're amazing.

Mm. And when you step into that, when you start to see that, when you start living like the creator of the universe thinks that you're amazing, everything changes.

Everything, everything. Relationships become doable, they become wonderful, they become enjoy, you know, and I'll be completely transparent with you. I am currently dealing with my biggest relationship challenge. This is relationship with my mother.

Yeah.

And you know, God is doing something here and it's very, very challenging because I told you at the onset what happened, right? And oops, one second, the video popped off.

It's okay.

Okay, there we go.

There we go.

All right. Sorry about that. So it's. It's like, because my mother, she has mental health issues and it's kind of like, okay, God, how do I separate her mental defect from her humanity? Because her whole life she's been Having people handle her. Because listen, in the black community we didn't do psychiatrists and psychotherapists and you know, things like that or whatever. And so people who were what they deemed crazy, they would just, you know, they were laughed at, they were scorned, you know, treated like lepers, so to speak. And I realized that that had been her experience pretty much most of her life. And it was just kind of like, okay, God, like, you know, how do I balance this? Because a lot of the things that she does makes me so angry because they're so selfish and self serving when I'm like, I'm here to serve and I'm here to help. And it's just like, you know, okay, you're violating me, you're disrespecting me, you're mishandling me, you're mistreating me. But I'm loving on you and it makes me me angry. And so I'm praying and I'm like, okay, God, rejection and abandonment is a common thing. I don't want to do that to her. Like, how do I work through this? How do I focus on her humanity and deal with that and break through this? So y' all pray for me.

You're gonna get through it. You're gonna get through it. I promise you that. You know, I've seen God restore the hardest of relationships and he'll give you wisdom. God, if you're watching this as well, listeners like, and you're having trouble in relationships. That's what life is like. Like here can, let's be real for a second relationship. Like this idea that all of our relationships and every are perfect and that there's this perfect little box that they all fit into and, and it all goes how we want. My friends, friends, that is, that is a fantasy. That is, that is Disneyland and it's never going to be reality on planet Earth. Relationships are messy. They're messy, they're hard. But I've seen God restore the hardest relationships. And so I just want to encourage anybody who's listening to this again, the theme on this, the way to take control of your life, your business, to take ownership of. Okay, what can I do? How can I grow? You know, what pattern am I replaying every single day in my life? This has helped me with my relationship with my wife, with my mom, with my friends. I have thriving relationships. Whereas four or five years ago I can just tell you I had some not so good relationships. And in the last four years that has completely been a 180 in that you know, one of the biggest things that's helped me is I even started seeing a therapist myself. I used a betterhelp.com and started diving into some of the deep issues that were, that were holding me back, the patterns and stuff like that. And I, and I grew up where in, in our church. That therapy is for the crazy people. Almost the same thing that, like what you were saying. And I almost, I rejected it. I knew I needed to go get some help. You know, you get help if you got a broken arm, why not get help if you got some issues with your brain?

Oh, my gosh. Yes. So that is the thing, and that's what I talk about. Like how because our mental health and our emotional health is not visible, we tend to try to tuck everything. But it's just like if people saw that you broke your toe, they saw that you broke your leg, and you walk a little, expect you. Yeah. They expect you to be sitting down somewhere with your foot propped up, your leg propped up. Right. But because you're mentally or emotionally broken, people are like, oh, you're okay. No, I'm not.

It's okay to not be okay.

Okay to not be okay. And that's where heal your soul comes from. Because God will renew our spirit, but we still got to heal our soul so that our souls can align with our spirit.

Wow.

Otherwise they're in complete conflict with each other, constant conflict with each other. And hence, again, we're not in a state of space of expectation, and we're not in a space of receiving. But then we gonna blame God and say, oh, God didn't come through. Oh, God didn't answer it. Oh, God must, didn't want it for me. And all those other cliches, the, the craziness that they teach us in the church, that's another story. Yeah, but something that you said about relationships being messy is so true. Because my daughter, she's a whole grown adult now, and we, we're absolute besties. And everywhere we go, people will be like, oh my God, I love, love your relationship. And I'm like, okay, yay. But I tell people when, you know, when we're in conversation, like, Listen, I'm 50, my daughter's 30. We've got a 20 year difference. Do you really think that she don't get on my nerves? And then I don't get on her nerves. We get on each other's nerves totally. But we still have a wonderful relationship because it's based on, on respect. We respect each other. We love each other, we respect Each other, we honor each other, we value each other, we appreciate each other. And again, it starts with self, because if you're not that, then you can't command it from anyone else.

That's so good. I love that, Ray, you're doing some amazing things. I'm so proud of you, too. Since I've gotten to know you, I've seen so much, so much growth, so much stuff that you're doing in your business. We, we. We did some coaching for the past couple of years. And. And I just wanted to ask you too, you know, if there's. If there's anybody who is a coach, they're listening to this, you know, what would you say to them as far as about getting plugged in with. With working with me and stuff like that as well? What would you recommend them do?

Oh, my gosh, I'm so glad you asked me that question. Listen, listen, listen. Here's what's so dope about Jeremiah. He's got content, he's got YouTube. He's got courses. He's got all this stuff out here for free. But if you want to, the free is excellent because anything that he coaches you on pretty much will be based on the free. But here's the thing. He's going to take you by your hand and connect the dots for you. That is the value. That's the value. Can I tell y' all how? Listen, I'm a person. I need strategies and steps. Every time him and I would do our sessions, he would be like, okay, so what do you need out of this? I need my next step. I need somebody to tell me what to do. Because even though I know what to do, I need to hear it so that the dots are connected and that I'm held accountable because got add to the 1000 power. And listen, my creativity would be like, oh, we'll try this and try that. That look like maybe this. Oh, maybe try that. And yes. So absolutely. Listen, my concepts about business have changed so much. I've always had this posture, but my business savvy, like. And I've had business savvy too. But this online world that. Let me be very clear about that. This online world connecting with Jeremiah has changed my experience. I was drowning, y'. All. I was so drowning. But every time we came to the cold, it was just like, he pointed me in another direction. He told me to take this step and keep going. Take this step and keep going. So does he know his stuff? Absolutely. So what would I encourage you to do? Work with him. Duh.

Like that's awesome. And I'd say if there's any women that are listening to this, they need to check you out over@isupportsuperwomen.com I'll put the link in the podcast. And what do you help specifically, like women do in your program and your coaching? What are some of the resources that they can get from you?

Oh, my gosh. So I've got quite a few resources that are free. I have the Strong Woman Personality quiz, which is an essential assessment that helps you to understand yourself, understand why you can't walk away sometimes. Like, what's hardwired about you, what's part of your personality? That's who you are. And what are parts of your personality? You know, parts of your personality that are not really your personality. Those kind of things. You just think they're your personality. I've got the mini course for relationships. I've got many mindset courses, money mindset courses. I've got all kinds of stuff. I've even started a group for the superwoman as well to come in. And it's brand new, but come in so we can get some engagement popping up in there, y'. All.

Very cool. That's awesome. I love that. Listen, thank you for being on here. Thank you for opening up. Thank you for sharing your journey with people. You know, a lot of people listen to this, like, your courage today is inspiring to them. You know, they. They will see you, I promise, on this podcast and say, I want to be where Ray Jenkins is today. I know I have a number of listeners that they're going to be inspired by that. And you know what? I'm gonna. I'm gonna recommend a number of women to come to come your way who've been through a similar journey. I have a lot of them that follow me, and I just don't really have much resource for them because I'm not. I never been through their journey, and that's not what I specialize in. But I think now I know where to send them. Y' all plug in with her. She is a rock star. She is amazing. She is helping change lives. Thank you for being here.

Thank you for having me.

Yeah, yeah. Hey, listen, if this podcast episode has helped you in any way, share it with some people. Don't just listen to it and then go on your way. I think this is going to help other people as well. That's the only thing I ask. Grow your life, everybody, and we'll talk soon. Have a good one.