183: Practicing More Patience & Compassion When Coaching - #GrowYourLife

Hey, everyone. Thanks for listening to the Grow youw Life podcast. My name is Jeremiah Krakowski, and I'm so excited that you're listening today. I want to share with you some of my experiences that have helped me in my business. And for those of you that haven't met me yet, my name is Jeremiah Krakowski. I've been helping coaches, trainers, mentors, speakers, authors, people that have a message or people that are just starting out, they feel a desire to coach people and they're growing and they want to build a business around their message. I help them make six, seven, and even eight figures in their business. If they're going from zero brand new, I give them a framework to make six figures. Once they're making six figures, I show them how to scale that, the systems needed to scale that, and then how to take that seven figure income and, and amplify it either even further. And so today, I'm just so excited to share with you some of what has helped me so much in this journey. I've worked with a number of clients, thousands of clients over the years, and I've learned a few things that have radically shifted my life, that have shifted my relationships, but most importantly, they have increased the amount of income that I can make in my business. And that's why I'm sharing it with you on this podcast, is because I actually believe that this one strategy that I'm going to give you today, by the end of this, will have a dramatic shift in your income earning potential, how much you can make. And it's. It's actually something that you can start doing right away, but it is a practice that might take you a little while to master. It's taken me about, about 10, two years to really start to figure it out. I get a little bit better each day, a little bit better each week. And then I noticed areas where I struggle with it. Last week I struggled with it. But by really having this in our mind, this practice is going to help you. Okay? And so this is what it is, is as a coach, as a trainer, as somebody that's a mentor, if you're somebody that's an expert in anything or you've been a leader, we can notice where other people are going wrong or what they're doing wrong, or the mistakes they're making. And we want to help them and we have a desire to help other people. But there comes an appropriate time to do that when you first meet somebody, if that person isn't coming to you specifically asking you to help them, no matter how Helpful we think we're being, criticizing other people, telling them what they're doing wrong, pointing out their flaws is not a helpful way to communicate with people. And, and, and, and at the risk of me even being judgmental, saying this, I'm just going to share this. In my life is I was somebody that, that I always wanted to help people. And I could always see and point out what they needed to do right, what they needed to change. I always could see the mistakes that everybody made. I always saw my mistakes. And I grew up where my safety, security, happiness and hope in my life was built around being able to quickly identify what I'm doing wrong and fix it, and quickly identify what others are doing wrong and fix it. And in this, this became a framework of how I was living my life. And every single relationship, every single business experience I was in, I would build it around pointing out what everyone's doing wrong. And I wondered why I noticed something was happening. And this is what made the shift in me to where I actually stopped doing this. I actually, to this day, as much as possible, right? Because we're human, we all make mistakes. It's impossible not to make mistakes by A, accepting that and B, becoming okay with our own mistakes and realizing that we don't have to be perfect, that it's okay if we're not perfect, and that nobody else needs to be perfect. That one foundation and then making the intentional choice that even if I see somebody making a mistake, doing something wrong, not doing what they should, my first response isn't to point it out to them, to let them know what they need to be doing right. My first response is to honor, to accept, to listen and to learn and to come from a place of compassion, not criticism, not thinking that I know what's best for this person and so that I need to change them into what I think they need to be, that I need to make sure that they do the right thing, that I need to come alongside them and help them stay on the straight and narrow, that I need to come alongside them and show them where they've erred in their ways. And I grew up in a church that taught me that that was my job as a person, was to point out where everybody was wrong, that to help other people was to always say, well, this is what you're doing wrong and this is what you should be doing right. And I ended up bringing that into business, always pointing out typos on people's websites. And I would, I would write companies and tell them what they were wrong and I would say, okay, this is an issue. You're probably losing business around this. But here's the thing. I never seemed to get a response back. I never seemed to have anybody give me feedback back. And I wondered, why does it seem that every time I do this, I'm being so helpful to people? I'm being so helpful. I have such amazing ideas that can help them that they didn't want my help. And I actually sought out a mentor on this. I actually directly asked my mentor this question, and what he told me was, is that correction in any form, whether it be in business, whether it be a typo on a website. Telling somebody the mistakes they make. Pointing out their mistakes only comes when somebody is in connection with you, has trust. And these are the. And this is the third one that's most important. They have connection with you, they have trust, and they've actually sought you out to be the person to show them what they're doing wrong. And that third one was really important for me because I'm like, I can see what people are doing wrong. I can always see that. But if they haven't asked me to give feedback, if they haven't sought me out for feedback, it was only feeding my own ego to do that. And it was validating my story that nobody cares what I think. And so I was constantly seeking validation. I was constantly seeking approval from other people based off of how I would criticize, how I would point out the errors in other people's ways. And this became a cycle in my life until I stopped doing this. And I'm telling you, it's like night and day. Every relationship, I was losing business deals because of this. And the business deals started flooding in. As soon as I stopped doing this, the money started flooding in. And, you know, I had this belief that, well, I'm sacrificing somebody's future for my own personal gain. I had this false humility where I was like, well, I'm gonna point out what they do wrong to save them from destruction, even if it means it's gonna cost me money. And I had this vigilante, like, superhero type complex where I was the one, the savior that was going to swoop in and show everybody the error of their ways and what they needed to do right. And I had to actually lay that down. That became an idol in my life. That became something that I worshiped, was my ability to point out what everybody was doing wrong, my ability to be so accurate with that in people. And I wondered. And in that season, when I was doing That I wondered why I was struggling to grow my business. And here's what ended up happening. My own judgment of other people ended up coming back at me. My own judgment of other people's wrongdoings. And when I talk about wrongdoings, again, I'm talking about the color on their website. Like, like, we're not talking about violent issues here. We're not talking about robbing, stealing, killing and destroying anybody. That's not what I'm talking about. About. Okay. We're not talking about. If we're. If we're speaking, like, from a. From a spiritual or religious perspective, like a sin of some kind. Right. Like, I'm not talking about that. And, and I, even to this day, I think that. That I can speak truth in certain situations, but I'm not going to go out there and tell everybody you are doing wrong and you should be doing right because they haven't sought me out for that. I believe that we actually take away from other people the ability to learn themselves, and we end up stepping into codependency, which is an addictive, toxic relationship style where we end up making ourselves the savior of other people. We're saying, well, if I didn't help them, they would hurt themselves. There's a great book on this topic called Codependent no More that really helps with this. Codependent no More is written by Melody Beatty. And it's all about reverting the patterns that we have in our lives. Caring for other people, caring for ourselves, making that better, setting powerful boundaries and not allowing the need to control other people take over us. How to start focusing on ourselves and becoming, in a healthy way, more selfish and less on looking at what others are doing wrong. And when I started doing this in my life, when I started doing what I wanted to do and I stopped looking at what everyone else is doing wrong and wanting them to do what was right and wanting to make sure that everybody I worked with. Here's the thing, that's not a healthy way to coach. That's not a healthy way to lead. That's based off of control, and that's based off of really some very toxic, old, unhealthy, ineffective ways of being and serving people, is when we. When we believe that we're supposed to swoop in to rescue somebody and that, that. That we're so focused on what other people are doing. As a coach, you're going to be focused on your clients. They've paid you to point out what they need to change. When I make this podcast, I'm Thinking about people that listen to this podcast that have come to me for advice, that trust my advice and my wisdom. And so I have avenues where I share that. And I'm very even careful on how I do that. You notice in this podcast episode, I don't want anyone to feel like doing this is a bad thing or a wrong thing. I don't want guilt and shame to get into anybody's life. Guilt and shame don't help us at all. We just haven't been taught a better way. I was never taught a better way. I was taught growing up that it was my responsibility to take care of everything and to make sure to do all the right things, that make sure that people do all the right things. And it was my job to manage and maintain other people's emotions and feel feelings. It's not by the same token, it's also not our job to try to make anybody do what we think they should. It's not our job to force our will, opinion, or version of how we think other people should be living their life on them. And this is something powerful, powerful, powerful. That when I started to understand this, when I really got this, when I really stepped into a place of giving up, being codependent with other people giving up, feeling like I had to be the savior of everybody, even though I could see, I'm going to be super honest with you, literally everybody who comes into my space, I can see exactly what they need to do to make more money, but it's not always the time and place to tell them. And I used to think that I wasn't serving people well, that I was doing them a disservice to not tell them this. And the truth is that by me actually holding back, I was helping them more in the way they really needed to be helped by me building my business and focused focusing on how can I attract the right customers, that I was helping the right people and attracting the people that really had ears to hear. Here's the truth. When I make a podcast episode like this, there might be a small group of people that might get upset or offended by it and never listen to anything I say again. And that's great, that's awesome. It's not my job to make sure that other people do the right thing. It's not my job to make sure that anybody does what they should, even as a coach. It's my job to provide an opportunity, to provide accountability and to ask the strategic questions, what have you done? And then to point out and when they come to me and Say, hey, what can I do better now? I can give my opinion now. I give my thoughts now, of course, on my social media all day long, I'm putting my opinion out there constantly. It's part of it. But I'm not directly coming to people and saying, you should be doing this, you should be doing this. And I found that that created a safe space for other people to have an opportunity to grow, for people to have an opportunity to step out. A step up is if I spoke truth. I had a lady the other week come to me and say, you know, I'm struggling with a lot of fear, a lot of worry. What would you say, Jeremiah? And I'm telling you, I did. I wrote a novel on what she could do and I made a 30 minute video and she wrote me and said that was so powerful, that's exactly what I needed because she had asked for that information. But if I had just came out here and was like, you need to do this. This is what you're doing wrong. It's not serving her. And as a coach, it's our job to serve people the way that they want to be served, not the way that we want for them. People are paying you for a result when they hire you as a coach. And this is where in coaching we get this mixed up. What they're paying me for a result. This is the result right here. And this is what they're doing and they're disconnected right here. Sometimes beginning coaches end up believing that it's their job to bridge this gap. It's not, it's not at all. That's called being codependent. That's called controlling others. And part of it could be we're afraid that our integrity will be brought into question. If I can't make a result for them now, do I have the integrity to say that I can help that person? Right? And we end up going on this cycle and there's even some really, I believe, unhealthy coaching training out there that tells people that they should force and pressure people into doing actions and, and, and hound people down and do that and become codependent and make people take action. I'm here to say, here's the thing, you're not going to make any money that way. Because here's the thing is that if you do that, you're stepping into what's called the corporate mindset with people, okay? To where now it's the boss's responsibility to make the employee do what they're supposed to do. You end up stepping into A boss employee relationship. When you're trying to fill the gap right here to where now the coachee and their results are contingent on the boss micromanaging them and making sure they're doing what they should. And that's not sustainable. That's not a way to build a coaching business that will breed resentment. It doesn't produce long term lasting results. Because here's the thing, as a coach, what you want is you want people to make one of two decisions, one of two decisions to either take action on their own or to leave your space to no longer work with you anymore. And we have to be willing to let go of people. We have to be willing to have a, an open hand to where we're not trying to make people do what we think they should, that we're not trying to hold on so tightly to people to make sure that they're on the straight and narrow, that we give them the opportunity to step up, rise up, take responsibility on their own and decide, am I going to take action on my own or am I going to blame and not take personal responsibility? As a coach, it's our job to call people up to personal responsibility. Otherwise we end up stepping into a toxic, codependent relationship where we are now responsible for the other person's result. As a coach, I'm responsible for presenting opportunities, giving guidance and pointing people in the right direction when they ask for it. I'm not responsible for them taking action and neither are you. You're not responsible for making sure that, that anybody does what they should. And when we give up that crown, that responsibility, it allows for some really amazing, beautiful things to happen. It allows for some really incredible opportunities for growth, for conversation. Because now it's no longer a dictator relationship of submission and authority. Rather it's a place of mutual respect. It's a place of saying, I'm gonna do my part, but I expect you to do your part. And anybody who coaches with me, I expect them to do their part. It's not my job to make sure that they do. And that allows me to be a better coach, to serve more people and my own mental energy. Here's the truth. My mental energy as a coach doesn't have the capacity to make sure to hold everybody to do what they should. I've tried that. It'll make you go crazy. It'll make you go insane always doing that. But there's ways to be more effective at getting people to do the best thing in their business and the best thing in their, in their career and their job. And their fitness and their spirituality and all that. See, this is what I'm talking about here. This, this episode is all about being effective. The most effective way to bring change in other people's lives is by not criticizing people, by not fault finding, by not pointing out mistakes. It's actually the most effective way to lead people is by not doing this, but rather coming from a lens of compassion, understanding, and really going and working with those that want your help, that want you to give feedback, wisdom, advice, and then sharing it with those people. Oftentimes, beginning coaches, we may feel like, well, I have so much I can bring to the table, yet nobody's wanting me to help them. So you want to find some people that are actually looking for you to bring wisdom for them instead of going out there and coaching everybody you meet instead of coaching every single person out there that you meet. I have a lot of friends and people in my life that I. We don't have a relationship where I coach them because that's not what our relationship is built on. And it's a very healthy relationship. And I don't do any of this. And even those that I do coach, I'm still not going to do this. That's the key until they come to me and ask for some advice and wisdom. And that's why I give opportunities to ask questions constantly. And so when you provide opportunities for people to ask questions, oh, here's something I even forgot. I completely forgot. So when I was starting my coaching business, I got frustrated that nobody was asking me for help, nobody was asking for my wisdom. I had so much to offer people, and nobody was coming to me actually asking how I could help them. And I frustrated me. And I realized that it was because I hadn't created a safe space for people to do that without feeling judged by me, without feeling like I was pointing out what they were doing wrong. And listen, it's not helpful to say, oh, I'm not criticizing you. Oh, I'm just trying to help you. What you're just trying to do and how they're perceiving it are two very different things. And so we got to be aware of that is no matter what your intention is, how it comes across to people is as criticism. And so when we can choose to. To. To create a safe space where people can ask questions, where we're not trying to make anybody be molded to what we want them to be, and instead we allow them to flow, flourish in their best version of themselves possible, even if that means ignoring fault, ignoring what we want to point out as wrongdoing. It allows us an opportunity to build the most important thing with people, and that is trust. When trust is built, the game flips. When I have trust with somebody and they are asking me a question to give feedback. I had a guy on my live call yesterday. I spent about 30 minutes working with him through something that I felt was not a good idea for his business. But he had come to me for that, and I could tell I was building trust in that. And he got it. He understood what I was trying to share because I didn't make my desire for him to know what I see most important. I made just coming from understanding, compassion and listening my priority. And so then that allowed me to speak into what was helpful for him and to point him in a very unique direction that I've actually never helped coach anybody on before. It was in an area that I don't even have experience. And I told him, I don't have any experience in this area. Here's something that I'm feeling that maybe you want to check out. And he was like, wow, that's a pretty good idea. Because we were able to unpack that together. And I said, you might struggle with this. When we learn how to communicate and how to connect with people more effectively by building trust, by coming from a place of compassion and not trying to make sure that people do what they should, opportunities for being more effective to help other people arise far more than just being helpful. And truthfully, I identify it as sort of a. It's a bit of a childish thing, is what it is, is wanting to tell everybody what they're doing wrong because we don't feel like we're heard. We're trying to validate ourselves. There's an inner child. And this isn't a bad thing, this childish thing. There's an inner child. I believe in all of us that was wounded, that was hurt, and we're trying to allow that child to come forward. When you allow space for your inner child to speak and to feel safe, you become the most effective person, the most effective version of yourself. But when it's stuffed down, we end up doing things like blurting out our opinions, blasting people with what they should do, criticizing, trying to be overly helpful with people, and it creates the. The opposite effect. And it ends up repeating scenarios in our life that validate that we are. That our opinions don't matter. You get it? You ever felt like your opinions don't matter? You ever felt like people don't listen to your opinion? You ever felt like nobody cares what you had to say. It's because we end up doing this and we're trying to make sure that people hear us. I was one of those people. I used to do that because I felt like nobody listened to me about anything until I started operating in this framework, until I stopped criticizing, stopped trying to make people do what they should, point out their wrongdoings. And I started to become more effective at coaching people, helping them, training them, by coming from a place of compassion, not a place of wanting to make people do what they should. And made building trust be one of the most important things. And that only when they ask for advice or help did I give it. And more people started asking for my advice. That was the cool thing. That was the really cool part, is more people actually started asking for my advice. And so I could give it from a. From that lens because I went through the right process. Okay, there's another really cool book that I recommend for everybody. It's called Everybody Communicates. Few Connect. Everyone Communicates Few Connect by John Maxwell. What the most effective people do differently. And this is about what leaders do. It's not about power or popularity or. But about making people around you feel heard, comfortable, and understood. And when you can do that for people, you really take things to the next level. You really allow opportunities to connect with people and to create space for lasting change to occur. Okay. So I hope this has encouraged you. I hope that this has helped you again. If you're just listening to this podcast for the first time, please subscribe. Please share it with somebody. We do events every single month to help coaches, trainers, mentors, authors, speakers get more clients, get more leads, or if they're just starting out, how to find their niche, how to figure out how to create the perfect offer in their business. And I walk you through how to do that to scale your business to six, seven, and eight figures. We got like my client, Joshua Giles, over $150,000 in one month just a month ago. My client, Rick Pino, over a million dollars in one month with his coaching, my client, Nathan Fisher, $12,000 a month. And I can help you as well. We build a multiple six figure, close to seven figure passive income for ourselves in our business. And I can show you how to do the same if you're a coach, if you're a trainer, if you're a mentor. That's what this podcast is for. That's what my YouTube channel is for. Check out over my website, jeremicrokowski.com when one of our next upcoming live events are that we're doing online. We do them over zoom to help coach you, to raise you up, and to train you and get on the waiting list for our group coaching program. This is the flagship program that I have, where you get access to all of my courses, all of the training, and you get access to me in an environment with people that are working on growing their business every single day. Most of the time, we're on a waiting list. Pretty long waiting list. But you'll be the first to know when it opens back up again by getting on that. All right, we'll talk soon, everybody. Grow your life and have a good one.