188: Breaking Free From From The Need For Approval - #GrowYourLife

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to the Grow youw Life podcast. My name is Jeremic Rakowski and on this podcast I help you grow in your life, in your business, change your habits and start doing the things that are actually going to bring in money as a course grader, coach, trainer and mentor. Because honestly, being broke and trying to help people are not a good recipe together. And if you want to have impact, you need to also bring in the bag and bring in a ton of cash in your business. That's what I'm going to show you how to do, is what to do to be able to be successful financially and have crazy amounts of impact. We've helped clients make tens of millions of dollars in coaching online and have impact with hundreds of thousands of people around the world. Yet I hear people often say, well, I just want to have impact, Jeremiah, I don't want to make a lot of money. Truth is, you're not going to have the impact that you want to make unless you bring in a certain amount of money. Don't be living in a fantasy land that tells you that, that you can start bringing in the cash flow that you want so that you can actually start to reach the people that you're meant to reach and meant to impact. Now today I want to talk about communication. Talk about kind of a multi dimensional topic of when we're communicating, when we're selling ourselves, when we're in coaching, when you're connecting with people, you're always selling yourself. You're always connecting with people that they're making a decision, do I buy from this person or do I ignore them? And so in our communication with people, in our leadership style, in the way that we work, there are certain ways of communicating that will turn people off because they will perceive you as insecure. In somebody who doesn't believe in what they're talking about. One of the biggest ones is defending yourself. When somebody is a naysayer and you're defending yourself or putting a disclaimer on any everything that you're saying, meaning you need to defend yourself before somebody can attack you, before somebody can misunderstand you that you are setting up. Okay, I'm going to speak my truth, but then I'm going to tell you the five reasons that I didn't mean this. I'm sorry, but that, that, that communication style I used to do that, it comes from massive insecurity, massive worry and fear about if people misunderstand you or what might happen, getting hurt by other people, or this need to always say the perfect thing and for people to always understand you. Some crazy perfectionistic need that if, if people don't understand you, that things are wrong and bad. Now the truth is you're responsible for people understanding you, for people connecting with your message, for people connecting with the words that you're saying to defend yourself and disclaimer everything, everything you say is the complete opposite of doing that, because you truly don't actually believe in what you're saying when you say that. Or at least if you do, it's going to come across that you don't and you're going to look like the biggest idiot on the farm who doesn't know what they're talking about by constantly disclaiming themselves. Here's a great example of this, since everybody loves examples, is saying, well, here's the thing. I don't believe that course creators who sell online are unethical people, except for the ones that are unethical and except for the ones that are stealing. And just so you know, I mean that like they, they have to be this way. And don't misinterpret me, understand that. What I mean is that like doing that horse and pony show after every single thing that you say, where you're trying to explain one sentence with 5, 10,000 paragraphs of what you actually meant by it comes across as you having no confidence. You being somebody that nobody should respect truthfully is nobody respects a person who communicates and talks that way because they see that it's easy to run all over people. And so when you learn to just say, say your truth, say what you want and not care if people misunderstand you, not worry if they misunderstand you, if they misunderstand you, then you come back to the drawing board and evaluate it later. See, it's this fear and worry of actually having to come back to the drawing board and not being perfect every single time that you put stuff out there that causes people to do that, give it up. Let people misunderstand you. Let them think that you meant something different. Why is it so important that they don't? It's not life or death, I promise you that. Especially if you're building a business, a course creation business. Listen, I get it. In your, in your previous job, maybe in an abusive relationship, maybe in an old friendship, a toxic friendship, maybe you were in a situation where people required you to logically tear down every argument that they said every time and prove and validate yourself in every conversation you have. I am sorry that you have been around such that treated you that way that made you do that, because that's what it is, is there are rude, mean, bullying people that made you do do that. If you're somebody that feels like you need to constantly be defending yourself, constantly disclaiming yourself every time you open your mouth and like you literally can't say a sentence like, like, like I've seen people do this one sentence and then a thou, like a hundred sentences of disclaimers. And that's their, that's their point. And I'm like, just say the one sentence and then let five people misunderstand it. Just say the one sentence and then let other people misunderstand it. And that's the thing is really coming to grips with why we're so terrified of people misunderstanding, why we need people to understand us the first time. And that violent need to control other people's thoughts. That's what it is. It's a need to forcibly control the way that other people perceive, hear us and view us. That's all it is. Instead of just letting people think things that are not true because they can think them. And so as a communicator, as a coach, as a course creator, as somebody that's going out there to launch your business, to reach new people out there, if you're constantly disclaiming and defending yourself and trying to forcibly control the thought patterns of everybody that you're reaching, nobody's gonna wanna do business with you. Nobody's gonna wanna buy a single thing you sell. Nobody's going to want to purchase anything from you because you're not fun to be around when you do that. People who do that, who every single thing that they, they constantly have to defend. Well, I wasn't talking about that. Well, that wasn't relevant to me. Well, that wasn't this. People who constantly have to, to beat into everybody around them, their version of themselves, how they want to be perceived of, like, well, I was this way. This wasn't relevant to me. I didn't mean that. This is what I meant. This is what I mean. Don't misunderstand me. This is truly how constantly trying to. It's, it's massive, massive, massive insecurity. And it's completely related to this worry and fear that if people don't understand perfectly the first time what you mean, that bad things will happen in your life, that's, that's what it is. Because you wouldn't be doing it if you didn't think that it had a positive outcome. People, every behavior that we do as humans, subconsciously we believe has some kind of a positive influence and outcome in our lives. And so if in your job, if in your workplace, if in your corporate or your relationship, you had to do that for safety, security, to climb the ladder, to be respected, to be understood, let it go. This isn't that world. And when it comes to you connecting with your target customer, you want to learn to use as few words as possible to get your point across. That's one of the biggest problems with course creators and coaches. They're using way too many words to tell people what they really mean because they're trying to make sure that everybody knows exactly what they mean. I'm sorry, but let people misunderstand you. Let people assume the wrong thing and then answer them later if they ask you a question. I would rather actually say the wrong thing five times in a presentation and then have somebody bring up, hey, is this what you meant? And then answer it and address it than have to spend a hundred times more hours disclaiming myself ahead of time by precursoring everything that I'm saying, by imagining, by, by preventing any possibility that things won't go within accordance to how I want it to. Again, it's a deep hyper level of control is the only reason why people do that. And, and we may not think that it's control, but that's exactly what it is because we're trying to, to tightly grip how everything goes in our lives. Let go of the outcomes, let go of what people think about you. Let go of other people and let them leave you, let them hate you, let them dislike you, let them not agree with you without you having to make an argument to get them on your side, to get them to come in alignment with your way of thinking or your viewpoint. If you've never done that before in your life, you should start because your relationships, your business, are going to get a lot better by doing that. Listen, I get it in corporate and maybe how you've lived your life up to this moment in time. This is coming from somebody who's been successful in business and worked with some of the top coaches and course creators in the world. And they will all attest to this exact thing that I'm telling you. Stop defending yourself, stop trying to control the perceptions that other people have of you so stinking hard, and just be yourself. Just talk how you want to without worry or fear about how other people might see you, because that's how you're actually going to attract more authentic relationships. That's how you're really, truly going to connect with people. Maybe you go around and you compliment everybody because you're wanting to be seen or perceived as a caring person who cares. Literally. Now, it's nice to compliment people, it's nice to share that with people. But when you got 10,000 people in front of you, like it's completely impractical, illogical and impossible to do that at scale. And here's what I would recommend doing is in this, in this business, imagine that you have 3,000 customers even when you only have one, and then operate out of the same boundaries because you're going to have to retrain people and, and you're going to piss a lot of people off, they're going to want their money back. If you have one level of boundary that's different for just one client and now you're going to have to change it as you go, it becomes a lot harder to do that. Instead of setting the heavy boundaries up front with what you are actually capable of doing, imagine what your physical human self is capable of doing with 3,000 people following you. Now do that with one person following you. It's not practical to personally message every single morning, every single person that you like. It's just ridiculous. Like break up with the codependency, psychosis, mindset that you need to be inside of everybody's business all the time. That you need to make everybody think good things about you all the time. When you can do this, you will scale your business, your coaching business will grow, your course business will grow. When you give up trying to so tightly mind melt everybody's opinions about you into positivity and positive thoughts about you. Let people think negative thoughts about you. Let them think bad thoughts about you. They are entitled to that as human beings. And here's the kicker. Here's the reason why. What it's going to take for you to actually work the five steps to build your business. We talk about the five steps. Finding your niche, writing your offer copy, creating your landing pages, launching, analyzing the reports and then repeating. You will not have the mental or time capacity to worry so much about other people's perceptions of you. If you're actually working those five steps. If you are spending your energy so focused on making people like you, you will never do those five steps because you will be so focused on time wasting time sucking life destroying activity. It really is, it's a life destroying activity. To try to manage and maintain other people's perceptions of us. To try to manage and maintain what they think about us. To try to manage and maintain making everybody have positive rainbow colored thoughts about us all the time. Instead, just be you show up as you be bold, be courageous and don't be expending energy and hours of your working time trying to tightly control what others think about you. When you do that, you can flow because then you can put out a piece of content without processing through is this piece of content going to land right? I never consider if a piece of content is going to land right. Never. I used to and my business didn't grow. The most successful coaches and course creators that I know don't they move away from that need to be so cautious. And it's not even about being cautious. It's literally, it's about control. It's about tightly taking people's brains and saying, you will think this way about me or and nothing else is how you will think. If you are that focused on controlling the mental thought patterns of other human beings, you won't be successful in business. You won't. And so you have to get rid of trying to make people like you, trying to make people think nice things about you, trying to make people say nice things about you and just put yourself out there without any consideration as to how you're going to be perceived, how they're going to see you throw all caution to the wind, be reckless with it and then learn to have control over. When you go back to some of these old patterns of trying to control perceptions that you put up a stop sign and you say, you know what? I'm not going to do that because that behavior does not serve me for my goals. It does not serve me to increase my income. And even if it's been my habit for 30, 40, 50 years, I am now choosing to no longer do what I've done done my whole life because I'm doing this thing for the coaching and course business. You have to take beliefs and patterns and habits of how you've lived your life if you want to increase your income in this business. And so what I'm telling you is stuff that works. It's stuff that will radically change how you look at the world around you, how much energy you have. Because if you're expending so much energy managing appearances, on managing how people think about you, on managing and maintaining this, this image, you'll have zero time to actually make money, make money first and then go back and manage the appearances again. This is why learning from millionaires and multimillionaires is the dumbest thing you can do if you, if you are not even making enough money. If they're telling you what they, what got them to be a deca millionaire or something like that. They're gonna tell you manage your reputation tightly. Screw that. Literally screw that. That's what I say. Because the idea of tightly managing reputation is ridiculous when it comes to this business. Yet you will hear people talk about it all the time. Your reputation, listen. My reputation. Those that work with me know the results that I get. That's my reputation. My reputation is. Sometimes he goes off and is a little bit wild with his energy on social media. Great. If somebody chooses to not work with me because they saw this podcast, I don't want to work with them. It's not my job to try to make them want to work with me and want to like me and want to think nice things about me and try to tightly control how they perceive me. I guarantee you, every millionaire, every millionaire that I know what got them from zero to six figures is they stopped caring what everybody thought about them and they stopped trying to control that. Then once they started making a million dollars, they started to spend their focus more on branding and things like that. But that's not what got them there. And it's a complete fallacy lie. It's a mental problem that people spend so much energy on how they're perceived and branding in the beginning, branding doesn't matter. Branding happens over time in this business. Branding happens long term in this business. I'm just, I'm so saddened to see people because literally this behavior that I'm talking about in this podcast will have you spinning in circles, making $0 for 10 to 20 to 30 years in this business. And you'll constantly be like, why can't I make money in this business? Because literally you are doing the opposite of what's going to make you money by operating in that way, by being so stinking scared, you might say, well, I'm not scared, I'm confident. No, you're not confident. If you're trying that stinking hard to manage how people see you, you're not confident at all. You don't believe in yourself. You're confident in your ability to manage people's perceptions of you. You are confident and believe that by doing that, that, that that will produce success for you. And I'm here to tell you it will not. And so stop believing the lies that society tells us about success. Stop believing what billionaire and millionaire memes say out there, and start actually doing what it takes to be successful in the course creation and coaching industry. And that's what I love, helping people do is to shine a spotlight on what actually works. Because most people won't tell you what actually works because they're too concerned about looking perfect. They're too concerned about making themselves appear perfect to everybody. Focus on the five steps getting leads in your business. Don't worry about how they perceive you. Don't worry about sounding perfect, being perfect, appearing like a pro that people will like. The trust building process has nothing to do with appearances. It has everything to do with you making a connection with your target customer and them buying from you. And when you can do that, you can make millions of dollars. Managing and maintaining the opinions of people who will never spend money with you. And trying to control how people perceive you will keep you broke. Consistently getting leads in your business, new sales, anything but that, trying to manage your reputation before you even have one. If you've never sold anything in your business, you have no reputation. And so you're trying too hard to manage something that doesn't even exist. Psycho. But that's most people. It's crazy, but it's most beginner newbie course creators and coaches is they believe that if I just look like the successful millionaire coach, if I just do what they do, then I'll be successful. And you got no clue what you're doing because you never done it before. But this is what works when you remove that shame filter from your brain and you remove the fear of consequences, the fear of you saying something and somebody misunderstanding you and it turning out bad for you. If you can remove that from your brain entirely, you literally 10 and 100x your ability to make money in courses and online coaching. But we have a thousand and one reasons. 1001 things that have happened in our life. A thousand to one traumas, a thousand to one horrible relationships or friendships. Or we got people telling us in our ear that we have to be a certain way people literally who have no experience in what we're doing, giving us opinions that don't actually work. And then we're wondering why, why is it not working well? Have you actually done what works well? No, most people haven't. And so if you can stop trying to manage and maintain and control how other people see you, stop trying to work so hard. See, here's the thing. Your reputation has more to do with the results that you produce. Not did he make me feel good? Like just stop wasting your time on stuff that won't produce an income. Stop wasting your time on stuff that won't add to your bottom line. Yes, be kind to people. Yes, be caring yes. Connect with people. But if you're spending like hours trying to show and demonstrate that you're a caring, kind person and all of your time is spent doing that, and you spend no time building a landing page or writing your. I mean, I'm sorry, but what are you doing? You're literally, you're literally just trying to make yourself feel good inside. And you're just doing feel good activities because you feel like you're obligated to do them. Because for some reason somebody at some time in your life told you that people who are successful only do this. Oh, it's crazy to me. I'm just like, there's a path that works, that produces results. Our Mindset Foundations training in the Client growth accelerator walks you through this. We spent eight hours together in an environment, in a live event that I did, and we walk you through the process of working on your mindset. This is one of the biggest factors that limits people from being successful is they have a. They have this filter on their mouth and their words and they have this filter that is so concerned about making everybody see them how they wish to be seen. And that filter is the number one money sucker I've ever seen. It manifests in so many different ways. It manifests as perfectionism. It manifests as. But every. But all it really is is it's just great insecurity and fear. That's all it is. Because it's fear that if we don't do those things, then things won't go well for us. And I'm here to tell you, by doing those things, you're making things not go well for you. And when you give up and you stop being so cautious all the time with everything that you say and write and so like so careful to like do and say all the right things and if you say something that you're maybe it'll be perceived the wrong way, you defend yourself and you disclaimer it and you give a precursor like just, just end. Just, just like if you removed the amount of energy that you spend doing that from your life completely, forever, you would transform your relationships in life and that I hope that this encourages you to do that because I used to be one of those people. My early podcast episodes are even that way. Not anymore. It's not worth it. It's not going to grow my business, it hasn't grown my business, my business started to grow when I removed the filter and I stopped precursoring everything and I stopped trying to over explain everything. Over explaining is a massive wealth killer. Over Explaining is directly related to fear, worry, usually related to something painful that happened in our life when we didn't over explain enough that something bad happened. And so then we correlate over explaining to success. And when you quit over explaining and you just do, and you don't worry about what anybody thinks, that's where success starts to come in. All right, everybody, listen. I know this has been a passionate episode. I feel strongly about this message. I feel strongly about helping you get it, and hopefully this has helped you get it just a little bit more. If you want to make six figures or even seven figures as a coach, trainer, or mentor online, I'd love to help you do that. The Client Growth accelerator does that. You can join the waiting list for it. You can join one of the live events that we're doing. Plus, we have over 180 podcast episodes on this podcast and almost a thousand videos on YouTube. There is no excuse and no reason for you, if you're a coach, course creator, trainer, or mentor, to struggle to get clients because we have figured out a proven system that works if you work it. The only reason that you would be struggling is fear or pride. And that's what I tell people. You're either too prideful to get the help you need. Great, I can't help you. Pride's too far up your butt for me to actually help you. Awesome. Or you're afraid of what might go wrong and things not going your way, and that can be solved and you can break up with fear. I promise you, every dream that you have is directly on the other side of what terrifies you the most. And if you can end the constant internal battle struggle with fear that tries to rip us apart and tell us, oh, you shouldn't do this or you should do that, and tries to make us be so cautious and timid all the time, when you can break up with that internally, you can make a ton of money as a coach or course creator. If you're constantly worried and fearful, you'll struggle because everything. You will stall before you even start on every step because you'll overanalyze, overthink, and over explain everything to the point that you are incapable of. There's not enough hours in the day for you to actually get done anything when you're operating that way. And so that's why, when you can learn to stop overthinking and you learn to act before you think or think and act simultaneously. I love teaching people. Stop thinking before you act. Stop getting ready and then aiming things. Fire. Ready. Fire. Aim, fire, pull the trigger before you actually have it aimed perfectly. That's a success strategy in this business that's gonna radically change your life. That's gonna radically revolutionize what you do. And yet most people are so scared or their pride is so deep, they won't. They. They are incapable of doing that. And that's what I love to help people do. That's what the podcast helps you with, and that's what my coaching program helps people do, is to start to build their offers, get more leads, get more sales, and get more clients, because that's the number one thing that you need to do in your business to get results. And I'd love to help you do that. Grow your life. Everybody, we'll talk soon.