211: Break Free From the Victim Mentality - #GrowYourLife

Hey, everyone. Thanks for listening to the Grow youw Life podcast. My name is Jeremiah Krakowski. On this podcast, I talk about ways for coaches, trainers, and mentors to grow their business and make more money online. Now, today, I want to talk about a break free from the victim mentality. And before you start thinking that I'm gonna go victim blaming, calling them names, things like that, and being rude and mean to people that are victims of harm and trauma. No, not at all. I've experienced a lot of trauma in my life, and I have healed through it. But I suffered from the victim mentality for a while, and it kept me from my goals. It kept me from making the kind of money that I want to make. And so I truly believe that. And honestly, this is inspired by somebody that I saw on social media that I have seen sort of a revolving door in their life. I hope they listen to this podcast. She tells me she listens to it, but I see a revolving door in their life of I'm a victim of people hurting me, and I am powerless in this. Okay? And so a. I just want to acknowledge leaders need to be wise with how they lead people. You know, it's funny, I was terrified and shuttered when I started this podcast because I knew that I wasn't a great leader, but I knew that I would be leading people. And now I have a lot of confidence that I've gotten so much better at coaching people, listening. Our clients are getting great results. Ton of people tell me like, that they see my heart, kindness and compassion and everything that I say. And if you've followed me for a while, you notice that maybe that hasn't been. I've always come across for a while. Um, that's my own growth and my own journey. And so I've gone through therapy for the last two years. Um, I've spent time, if you listen to the podcast episode a couple weeks back, using even ChatGPT to help me uncover new things. And I'm telling you, in the last, like, couple weeks, I've had some massive breakthroughs just by using ChatGPT to help me uncover areas of my life. And so that's what I want to just encourage you with, though, is how do we break free from the victim mentality? And I'm going to use our. Our trusty friend Chat GPT to kind of help us with this. You might. You might groan if you hear that. First off, if you're groaning because you think that AI is not smart enough to give you good advice, why are you Googling things Why are you listening to podcasts? Why are you on social media? Why are you even on YouTube? The algorithms are showing you content that's relevant. Chat GBT is just an another algorithm that gives you relevant content. So let's think about it from that perspective and I'm going to compare it to a few other AI platforms as well, because honestly, we do a lot with AI here and so I'm trying to integrate it more and more into my podcasting, into my everyday life, into the things that I do. So let's, let's talk about this. Let's ask Chat GPT just a little bit to explain the victim mentality. What is the victim mentality? Just start there. And I'm also going to ask Google's Bard, which is another AI platform, and we're going to ask Microsoft, because you know what, why not? Let's see what all three of these come up with, if they come up with some sort of different answers. Okay, so Google's Bard was the quickest and you can Google it as well. Victim mentality is a thought process of a person who sees themselves as a victim of circumstances beyond their control. People with a victim mentality often feel powerless, hopeless and resentful. And they may blame others for their problem and refuse to take responsibility in their own lives. A victim mentality can be a difficult habit to break. I'm telling you just for myself, it was difficult to break because I was constantly looking for other people to show up for me and I wasn't showing up for myself. With time and effort, people can learn to overcome it. You want to, first off, you want to identify it. The first step in overcoming it is identifying it. Take responsibility. Take personal responsibility. Set goals towards it. Surround yourself with positive people and getting help, obviously. Okay, I want to dive deeper into identifying the victim mentality. How do you identify the victim mentality in yourself? Okay, this would be a great follow up question for all three of these platforms just to see what they, what they generate. Victim mentality is an acquired personality trait where they tend to recognize and consider themselves a victim of negative actions and behave in a case contrary to actual evidence. That's, that's what Wikipedia says. When somebody can't accept responsibility or admit their part in bad things that have happened. Instead they constantly blame others in their Life. According to WebMD, you can look for these signs. You blame others in your life. You think life is out to get you, is out against you. You have trouble coping with problems in your life. You feel stuck in life, you feel attacked. When somebody Tries to offer helpful feedback. By the way, I have still felt this recently. This is actually powerful for me, realizing that that behavior right there is a victim mentality. Very interesting. I learned something every time we do this stuff like this external locus of control, constantly blaming others, feeling powerless, lack of responsibility. You know, a great book just on this topic that I read over the last couple of years was Daring Greatly. Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. Okay. And so for instance, can you provide some passages from this is what I love with chat GBT from Daring Greatly by Brene Brown as they relate to the above topic, we'll ask. Yep, this one pulled up kind of the same thing. You often feel like you're a victim of circumstances outside of your control. You blame others. You feel powerless. You're hopeless for your future. Okay, so that's how you can identify if you have the victim mentality is you is you act hopeless for the future. You act like other things outside of your control are responsible for why your life is where it's at. And again, if you're somebody who's experienced trauma, I'm going to just pause here A. If this triggered you too much, you probably weren't a good fit to listen to my podcast or even be a part of my programs and follow me. Because we talk about tough stuff, we talk about hard things. And what I love is we can use AI as like a co host a little bit. I would love to actually have an AI co host that I could talk to. Just give me an idea for the podcast. That'd be awesome. I might look into doing something like that if we can. Anyways, my brain is like spinning on that topic. Trauma happens, abuse happens. Horrible things have happened in our lives. People are victims of terrible things. The victim mentality is something completely different. Is where you blame why your life isn't the way it is on everything else around you, on other people, on things outside of your control. And you believe that you have no ability, no say, to create and design your life. That was how I was living for a while, thinking that I had no ability and no say in my life and it was other people's fault why I wasn't experiencing the life that I wanted. I was blaming my mom. I was blaming people, past clients, prospects. I literally remember a prospect on a sales call had said something to me and I played the victim mentality card for two years through therapy as an excuse for why I couldn't succeed. So we gotta break this. I'm telling you, for me, in my life, what has helped me make the most amount of money is not playing the victim. Oh, I got people that come after me. They say things. They might even be attacking me. It's my choice to play the victim or not. Okay, let's take a look at this. I love this. Just some passages from Brene Brown's book, Daring Greatly. Daring Greatly focuses on vulnerability and embracing imperfections. While it doesn't necessarily focus on the victim mentality, it offers valuable insight to help shift our mindset from feeling like a victim. Vulnerability is not winning or losing. It's showing up as having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. It's not weakness. It's our greatest measure of courage. To me, the clearest indication that we're not embracing vulnerability is that we're trying to control and manage it. When we start comparing our vulnerability. Shame needs three things to grow. Secrecy, silence, and judgment. When something shaming happens, we keep it locked up. It festers, and it grows and it consumes us. By acknowledging our experiences, we can transform from victimhood and helplessness into a sense of empowerment and connection. Vulnerability is not weakness. It's the birthplace of courage and innovation. And so those are some. Just some quotes from the book. I'm sorry, I couldn't find any relevant passages. Yeah, so Bing couldn't find it. But powerlessness really is kind of the root area. The root issue that. That we're dealing with is that we feel like we are powerless to everything that's going on around us and outside of us, and that we have to sit back until situations in our life change and align and come into alignment so that we can move forward. It takes a choice just to stop doing that. But that choice is very difficult. I struggled to make that choice until I really worked through, started to heal from some of these traumas, some of these pains, some of these beliefs, some of these ideas. You know, I used to have this thing, and sometimes it still affects me that unless I perfectly articulate myself on a topic, I should keep my mouth shut. And what that did was that made me be silent when I make podcast episodes. That made me be silent when I do content. I was afraid to talk about the things that were inside of me because I didn't feel like they were good enough to bring out. And so I was a victim of the judgment of other people in my life. And I was operating out of this mentality that other people's opinions, if they don't like me, I have to submit to them and I have to obey them. And I had something happen two months ago. I can point this out. I had somebody write me and tell me that I was the scum of the earth, the most vile person they'd ever met, all because I decided to change my business model to where I'm no longer answering direct messages. But they felt that as a coach, that made me a huckster and an evil person. And I played the victim in my mindset to their opinion and let it defeat me. And so some things that we have to do, we have to do a. We have to cultivate resilience in our life and strength and realize, a, you're stronger than what you're experiencing, your life around you. You're stronger than just what's going on in your life. See, here's the thing. We're often afraid to put ourselves out there because of what other people might do to us because we're playing the victim. We can't be vulnerable and we can't operate in vulnerability because otherwise we could lose everything we worked so hard for because we're clinging so tightly to some version of our life that we imagined how things should go. And because we're powerless, we're hanging on to it so tightly so that we don't lose the dream that we have. And that, my friends, is a cycle that literally perpetuates the victim mentality. I'm asking Chat GPT this, how does not letting go perpetuate the victim mentality? And this is so key because so many of us do this. Dwelling on our past, constantly revisiting past events that keep you stuck in a negative cycle. We end up reinforcing our negative beliefs by holding on to past experiences. We don't let go of negative past relationships. We start to believe that we're unworthy of love from other people or that people will always mistreat us. This fuels the victim mentality. We prevent ourselves from growing. We miss out on growth opportunities because we're stuck in feelings of helplessness and victimhood. I was stopping myself from growing in my life and business because I was not allowing myself to grow because I was in the victimhood so much that that became my identity. And that cycle of blame and victimization, that's what keeps us stuck. That's what keeps us stuck. You know, one of the most powerful things that you can do to help you if you're dealing with the victim mentality, is to journal what you're feeling, is to write it out, journal it out. What are you going through? What are you dealing with? What are you feeling? At any given moment in time. How does journaling help with this? Listen, I get it. I know some of you are like, you do not like that I'm doing this. That's fine. You might want to ask yourself, though, why you don't like it. Like, what is so about me using Chat GPT like this? Journaling can help increase self awareness. It encourages introspection, self reflection, emotional processing. It helps you identify patterns. And that's the key. If we can identify patterns and triggers in our victim mentality, it no longer has the ability to run our lives. Bing isn't super helpful at some of these prompts, but Bard and Chat GPT are pretty cool. I'm going to turn Bing off. Here's how you can identify patterns in your thoughts and emotions. Keep a journal. Track your thoughts and emotions over time. Track when you get triggered. I do this. I did this for the last two years, any time that I was in a situation. So what I have is, I have what I call, like, my baseline. I'm happy, I'm productive. I'm in the mindset and the mental state that is the healthiest for me. Okay. Anytime that I would go outside of that, to where it felt significantly different than my happiest state of mind and my most productive state of mind, I would journal. What am I thinking? What am I feeling? What am I reacting to? What situation just happened? Okay. And then I would identify those triggers. Something else that's helped me. Yes, Is meditation practices and then working with a therapist. What I did was I would take all of those triggers and I would bring it to my therapist. And when we would talk, we would go over what those are. And so we would have sort of a cluster of the same emotion, the same reaction, the same. The same issue manifesting in five different ways. I was just coaching a client two weeks ago where I asked her three separate instances where she felt a certain way as it relates to her business, her family, and her childhood. And they were identical situations that manifested in some very different ways. And it contributed to her victim mentality. It contributed to her feeling like everybody is out to get her. And her belief is that she's a warrior and that she's strong and powerful. But at the same time, what's coming out of her mouth is, everybody's unfair to me. Nobody likes me. It's. It's everybody else's fault. And so by reframing that and saying, is that really fair to expect other people to show up for you in the way that you desire them to? Is that really fair to expect other people to be responsible for your life. And to many people who operate out of the victim mentality, they think it is usually it's related to a lack of boundaries and it's because we end up taking on responsibility for other people's emotions. And see, this is one of the root issues of the victim mentality. Often related to people pleasing. We end up taking responsibility for other people's feelings and emotions. How is the pattern of taking responsibility for other people's feelings and emotions related to the victim mentality? This is going to be an interesting response. See, we're diving deep in here and I want to see just what some of these responses are. So taking responsibility for other people's emotions can be related in several ways. While the two patterns seem distinct, they actually both lack healthy boundaries and they're a distorted belief in personal control. So what it is is by taking both taking responsibility for others emotions and the victim mentality lack personal boundaries. In both scenarios, the the individual struggles to differentiate between their own emotions and those of other people. And it's rooted in codependency. Taking responsibility for other people's emotions leads to codependent relationships constantly sacrificing themselves for other people. So here's what ends up happening. If you're somebody who, if you're somebody, I'm going to say it out loud into the, into the microphone. If you're somebody who expects other people to take care of you and blames other people and you're constantly sacrificing yourself for others, you expect the same level of appreciation and support to what you give to other people. And that's just not fair in life. And so if you're operating out of codependency, there's this distorted sense of control to where we end up taking responsibility for other people's emotions. Then we end up playing a victim when they don't respond the way that we expect them to, the way that we would if we were them. And we end up projecting what we think they should do in the situation. And then that is what perpetuates the victim mentality. Because we wouldn't do that thing if we were them. We wouldn't show up in that way. We wouldn't do what they did to us if we were them. And so we end up believing that everybody else thinks and operates the same way that we do. And this perpetuates the victim mentality. We'll copy this into both of these. Taking responsibility for other people's feelings and emotions relates to victim mentality you need to set boundaries. Learn to say no. Focus on yourself. Yeah, I understand your point. It's important to remember that we're all different and we have different needs and expectations. We can't control other people's actions and we expect other people to take care of us and appreciate us the same way we care for them. We're setting ourselves up for disappointment. If you're struggling with codependency, seek professional help. There's a great book on codependency called Codependent no More. And I would highly recommend that you check it out, that you read it. You take a look at it. How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself. It's an amazing book that's all about this topic. Of the never ending drama that we experience in our lives trying to be codependent with other people. Go over here. Oh, it looks like it cleared the prompt, so we're done using that one. It seems you've highlighted a connection between codependency and the victim mentality. Indeed, when individuals expect others to take care of them and assume responsibility, they develop unrealistic expectations about how others should behave. So this is what I was dealing with. I had unrealistic expectations about how other people should behave. In my opinion, I was projecting my own beliefs on other people. I had a perceived lack of appreciation from others that created this victimization. So to break free from this cycle and overcome it, it's essential to work on the following. Establishing healthy boundaries. Setting healthy boundaries is essential to maintaining your well being and fostering healthy relationships. And this one's really key as well. Adjusting your expectations on other people. Oftentimes the victim mentality is because we expect other people to act the way that we would act if we were them. And we get upset and angry because other people are not doing what we think they, they should in every situation. Oftentimes you need to accept other people are not you. They're not going to respond the way that you would respond as well. Realize that you might have a level and a standard on yourself that you put on yourself, that maybe even trauma and abuse put on you. Over the years of having to serve, having to show up at a certain level that wasn't healthy and then you've ended up projecting that onto somebody else. Now I know that this is a deep topic and, and I know that this might bring up some stuff in you, you might even disagree with it. But I'm telling you, this has been the stuff that in my journey for the last couple years, I have discovered and have become, and that's the third point here, massively self aware of is recognizing my own thoughts, feelings and behaviors for why I keep perpetuating the victim mindset. And listen, I'm not perfect in this area. I'm still dealing with these issues. I'm even noticing as I'm teaching this that I don't fully implement what I'm talking about right now. But I know up here in my knower that I need to start doing these and so I need to start living this way that I'm telling you as well, we have to practice mindfulness, journaling, engaging in self reflection. And this is one of the last, most important parts here is open communication. My wife and I, we have found that when we communicate powerfully the needs of each other. When I talk about what my needs are, what I'm going to do and, and I'm not blaming, we're not assuming that the other person can read each other's mind, that our communication gets better and that it doesn't leave room for the victim mindset to come in to where the other person is now responsible for how we are feeling. One of the biggest reasons why many of us don't feel heard, don't feel seen, don't feel like we're able to get the help that we want is we're not asking for it. We're expecting other people to just know what we need because bless God, we know what other people need at all times. They should do the same thing, right? That standard again, that standard that we're trying to hold other people to, that to be honest, they don't know. People can't read your mind. The reason why most people, you might be so aware of what other people need is a trauma response. It comes from you having to feel like I have to manage and maintain other people's emotions for safety and security. And other people don't think that way, they don't operate that way. They haven't been through what you've been through. And so expecting them to operate in the same way with you and being angry when they don't and feeling oh, they don't love me, they don't care about me, they, they clearly don't love me because they didn't reach out and ask if I needed help, that's an unreasonable standard. And we need to start to accept that other people are not us, that they're not going to show up the way that we show up, that we, that we might want them to show up. And so you can live a life of disappointment and anger, being upset that other people are not serving you the way that you demand. Unfortunately, that just creates so much hurt and pain in relationships. Or you can start accepting people for the way that they are and start communicating, start asking for what you want more often. One of the biggest things I tell people in the coaching relationship and in building a coaching business, and if you're listening to this, you're a coach, you're a trainer, you're a mentor, is you can't work harder on your client's goals than they're willing to work themselves. Some coaches out there, they will go out there and they will try to preemptively know what their clients need at all times. And they create this codependent relationship because that's how they live their life, in all areas of their life. Instead of saying, you know what, I'm going to meet you halfway. This is the time that we have boundaries. Give you the opportunity to show and demonstrate to people how you're willing to show up, how you're willing to love, how, how you're willing to lead, and how you're willing to experience the relationship with somebody. They're not a form of separation. They're actually a form of connection. And when you learn that, when you learn that it's about connecting, not separating, it makes everything else in your life so much better. And so, listen, I hope that this has encouraged you. I hope that this has given you some ideas to think about, ways that you can improve, ways that you can look at to break free from the victim mentality. Like I said, I've been on this journey for a long time. 35 years. I've been operating as a victim with the victim mentality. I'm looking over what I'm teaching you today and seeing how I need to grow in some of these areas myself. Still constantly dealing with some of this stuff, but I'm better than I was yesterday. And we're on a path. We're on a journey. We're on this journey together. Grow your life, everybody. We'll talk soon. Have a good one.