42: Dealing With Chaos Powerfully - #GrowYourLife

Hello and welcome to the Grow youw Life podcast. My name is Jeremiah Krakowski, and on this podcast I help you grow in your life and in your business because I believe that if you grow in your life, in your mindset, how you do things, it affects business and production. But growing in a business impacts your life and they work hand in hand. I don't believe in work life balance. I believe in having a life that is full and business is a part of that. Now, if you're not part of the grow your life community, join it on Facebook. There's over a thousand people just like that yourself that are growing in their life and in their business. And if you haven't taken me up on my offer for free coaching, leave growyourlife on my Instagram. I pick one winner every single week on Sundays that win a 30 minute full coaching session with me. If you want to start coaching with me like hundreds of other people have, go to my website and fill out the form to schedule a discovery call with me for free. And we can talk about coaching together now on this call. This is going to be one of the most important episodes that I have ever done and I'm so excited to share it with you. It's about one of the topics that is the elephant in the room that nobody wants to talk about. It's one of those things that we all experience, but we pretend doesn't exist. It's one of those things that gurus lie to you and say they don't experience it and yet they do. And it's one of those areas of cognitive dissonance in our culture that affects how we live our life. And what it is, is how we act and react in chaos. What happens in the midst of everything going wrong around us, how do we stay focused? How do we plan? How do we move forward towards our goals when there are things that we can't control? And at the same time, how do we control ourselves, our emotions, what we can control? How do we give up the worry and fear of what we can control, can't control, and stay focused on what we can. And oftentimes people don't want to talk about this because it's not a sexy topic. It really isn't. But this is the topic that every single podcast episode I've ever done hinges on. Because if you can't get this, none of the other stuff is going to work. You're going to be spinning yourself into a tizzy. You're going to be wondering how you can get past this chaos. You know, this week I want to tell you a story. My family was coming into town. I had to stop doing certain work for clients to help get ready in our house. And then my wife's car stopped working, the motor stopped working. And then the family came into town. Now we want to spend time with the family. Now I got meetings. I had a whole day worth of meetings. We want to go out to lunch. Well, guess what? Meeting canceled on me. People canceled. So there are things that happened in my life that were outside of my control. And you know what my immediate response was? To beat myself up over it and say, you know what? No, if I. If only I could have a mobile mechanic on hand that could fix her car, then I would be good. If only people respected my time, they wouldn't cancel it like it was such. So ego driven what I was thinking in my head, it was crap. It was not good. And me saying that right now I'm going to be vulnerable with you and say this. I have thoughts that are. They're just horrible about why things happen. And I beat myself up into a tizzy when chaos happens. And. And for about a half a day, I did this and I realized, oh, wait a sec, this isn't working. And then I got focused. I took ownership over my position in this and my role in the equation. And I said, you know what? My identity isn't tied to getting my wife's car working. I care more about spending time with our family right now than worrying about this. And you know what, by the way, it's okay if this meeting doesn't happen now. It can happen next week. And yet oftentimes we allow what is outside of our control, whether it is kids coming to talk in the middle of a live video or it's somebody canceling or things that we can't control to dictate and define us. Because what's happening is we are trying to control what we can't control. And we are making perfection be our goal rather than results. And we're making gold stars and saying, good job. Be more important than actually doing what we should do. And we spin in a hamster wheel of hoping and trying to do the perfect thing now. Yeah, that's great. You know what? I had two options in this equation. Either I could say, listen, I really don't care about family and I'm just going to go take care of the car and I'm just going to isolate myself and I'm just going to put my head down and I'm just going to focus and I'M just going to. I'm just going to. Just going to do this. You know what, to be perfectly honest, I don't even care if I have a wife. I'll just. She can go deal with it herself for all I care. I'm going to focus on. On building my business. I'm going to focus on, you know, making sure I have enough money. Because, you know, if we had enough money, then I could pay for that right now. And I'm a loser for not. You see what I'm saying? This is the response that I could have had, but I chose not to. And that was where my brain was going when all this happened. And what that is, is that's holding on to a comparison image of the past or the future that is not equal to the present and dissatisfaction, saying, you know what? My identity and value is tied to the fact that I'm dissatisfied. And I've seen people preach this message as a motivator for you to go after your goals. And it's one of the worst possible motivators. It'll work for a little while, but eventually you're going to hit a brick wall. And I'm here to tell you that the true result that you're looking for comes from finding peace in the middle of chaos. Finding peace in the middle of everything going wrong around you. Being present in the present moment and rejecting perfectionism, rejecting performance, rejecting having to look good to other people, rejecting doing what everybody says you should do out of the sake of trying to create a false identity, out of an effort to get validated, out of an effort to prove to yourself and other people that you are good enough. Out of an effort to try to validate yourself. And so often we get into this scenario where we get spun in our head a loop of chaos, the chaos tape. I would bet that you, you have a chaos tape. You have some sort of circumstance that if. If things go into this place, everything goes out of control for you. And I would bet there's a repeated pattern on a weekly basis where you find yourself in that loop. And you've been telling yourself, if only I could control myself better, then I could take care of this. This is what I believed for a long time. And I realized this. You know what? It's actually not about control. It's about letting go. It's about letting go of the need to control, that you will find peace. And this is the kicker right here. This is where a lot of people miss it. You will find massive performance increases, massive output increases, massive increase in the level of results and what you can produce and do by finding that peace, you will always be choosing a lesser result. If you need everything to be perfect, if you need everything to be controlled around you that you can't control, and that need will always, without question, reduce the amount of output and results that you can create. But often we believe that the other is the case. And we've had our life story telling us that throughout our whole life, that if only we can control the chaos, then I would be safe and okay. And that belief has kept you stuck right where you are right now. That belief was keeping me stuck in a pattern of repeating the same loop in my life and not reaching my goals. And the way we break it is in an instant. It's not about getting everything in order to finally get to a place where you can now be devoid of chaos. It is not allowing the chaos to affect you or touch you, but being present in the moment and taking ownership over your choices. My number one choice. I care more about giving and showing love to my family than I do about anything else going perfect around me. And that does not come from me proving that I'm worthy of it by doing anything. That's the number one thing I don't give to get. We must remove our attachment from expected outcomes. When we do things. You see, when we are attached to an expected outcome, when we do things, we are not being present. We are living in a comparison of that outcome to our present moment and expecting things to happen and being disappointed when they don't. And you hear me say this, you need to expect the best to happen at all times. Expecting the best is not equal to an expected outcome. You need to realize that what you see and perceive with your mind as the best or think is the best for you may not be. And so when you're attached to just what you want to happen and control, and you will be dissatisfied if that doesn't happen, we allow the chaos to control us and our emotions. When we go from that state of needing things to be perfect rather than no matter what happens, that's the best for me at this given time. And so what I had to do is I had to find inner peace, joy, happiness, absolute exuberance, and say, you know what? My wife's motor not working is the best thing that could have happened in this very moment. Me losing a job was the best thing that could happen in that moment. Me having the kids come up to this moment in my podcast was the best thing that could have happened in that moment. That Client canceling on me is the best thing that could have happened in that moment. And this is hard for people to say because they're, you're saying, well, no, them being on the call with me was the best thing that could have happened in that moment. And that is an attachment to expected outcomes because you're expecting that that is the only possible outcome that could be accepted. And this ties right into the message that I talked about a couple weeks ago about how losing cannot be an option for you. Losing is defined by when you have an attachment to expected outcomes. For me, it is impossible for me to lose. I either win or I learn. And when I'm learning, I'm winning because it's always the best for me. And so when I have a sales call and somebody says it's not the right fit for them, or maybe I've really wanted to get that job, instead of having disappointment come in, I, I say, you know what, I'm going to expect the best. That client's going to come in. Guess what? They didn't. That's the best that could have happened. That's awesome. That's great. And I expect the best to always happen. The best is not what I define it by. And we believe that life is working for us instead of against us, and that we have to control it. Once you give up the need to control everything around you, things will start to fall into place in your life that you can't control. But for as long as you believe that you need to control what you can't control, there will be chaos in your life. So how do you stay focused in the middle of chaos? And you're saying, here's the thing, there will always be chaos in your life. That's what I'm saying. But it will not feel like chaos. And I talk to people about this all the time, of how you have to live a stress free life. You have to live from a place of rest, a place of being, a place where you're not in chaos, by the way. That doesn't mean that you are not doing things that would, would have previously been stressful to you. That does not mean that you are not doing the things that would normally have been chaotic. That does not mean that chaos will never happen around you. What it means is that your perception of that happening does not have the power to knock you off track because you are a powerful person who is not controlled by their environmental circumstances. You could have somebody lie about you, you could have somebody cheat you, steal from you. You could have a horrible thing happen to you and realize this. This is the best thing that could have happened to me at this point, this moment in time and finding peace in the suck. Finding peace in the bleh. Finding peace in the chaos. And when you do this, we become present in the moment of where we're at right now, and we get to say, I am grateful for my life. I am grateful for what is happening to me right now. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn each other this moment. And I will keep moving forward. Guess what? I didn't go work on my car all day and neglect the family when they came into town. I wanted to, because that's what my mind was telling me was what perfection would have done or a good husband would have done or that I was a bad husband because I didn't have somebody that I could call to do it for me. And that, oh, no, my wife has to drive her car or oh, no, you know, the family's in town and now we can't all drive together in the same car. Guess what? We had a credit on a rental account. It was a free credit that we were able to rent a rental car while they were here for free that we never used for two years. That happened. Guess what? You know, huh? Could you imagine a moment in time where you have no money in your bank account and you have no income coming in and then suddenly a thousand dollars appears? I've had that happen to me. I've had it happen to where the house that I'm living in right now I couldn't get approved for because there wasn't. It was. I started a business and I didn't have an employer income to show. And this was the one house that finally said, you know what? We see your track record. We believe in you, and you can rent this house. You need to stop believing that if only everything happened the way that you want it to, it would all be perfect and the best. And realize that the only person that you can control is yourself. You can't control what happens around you. And for you to go after your destiny, for you to manifest limitless possibilities in your life, you have to give up the need to be in control of everything around you. You have to give up the need to have everything perfect and in order. Now, I am a planner. I am somebody that when I have a goal, I write it down, I make a plan and I make it happen. And that is the only way that you will accomplish your goals, is planning and making things happen. But what happens when part of that plan Cancels on you or things come up? Do you get derailed by that? Do you get disappointed or devastated that it didn't work out exactly how you believed that it should? Or do you say, I believe that the best is going to happen to me and I'm going to be in a state of peace instead of love and a state of joy? Are you getting your identity out of what you produce and do? Or are you being the person that you want to be and do you believe that you need to do a certain thing to be, or are you being. And then the overflow of that is doing. Telling you this is the only way for you to reach your goals is to get this. You cannot expect to control what you can't control. That's insanity. And yet we believe, well, if only I did this, I could control it. If only I said that the right way I could control another person. If only I negotiated that deal, I could control that. Listen, there's. There's patterns to negotiation and talking and communication that. That help people. But for you to believe that you're right, that your value and your worth is tied to that, and that you can't move forward unless everything works out perfectly for you, is a lie and a pipe dream, and it's keeping you stuck right where you are right now. You can't be defined by what you do. What you do does not matter. And some people might turn off this podcast episode after hearing me say that what matters is choosing to be what you were made to be and walking forward, being present in the moment that you are planning the future. When things get knocked off track, say, great, no problem. I'm going to be peaceful. I'm going to shift my time. I'm gonna do it at a different time. I'm gonna keep moving forward. I'm gonna take ownership over my choices in my life. I'm gonna control what I can. And I'm not gonna let this get me frustrated, get me upset, get me derailed, because I feel like things aren't going the way that they should. I'm gonna choose that, you know, what didn't go the way it should, and it's perfectly okay. And guess what? I'm gonna do better next time, and it's all going to work out for you to reach your goals, you have to get to a place where chaos can happen around you and you're okay with it. Where people can lie about you, where you can lose everything and you're okay with it. Where you find peace in uncertainty and peace in what you don't know because you're present in the present moment and you're saying, what lessons am I to learn in this? And this starts by even asking God, what are you trying to show me in this moment? And then God will start to show you stuff. Now what do you do once you find the peace in that moment? You say, okay, what am I going to do in this present moment? I am going to choose to not do that thing right now. And that's okay. I'm going to choose to do what I want to do right now. And if that doesn't work out, that's okay. I'm going to choose to design my life instead of living based on what comes at me all day long. And you know what? Guess what? If my design gets thrown off track by outside environmental circumstances, no problem. Just gonna do better next time. Make a plan for it, keep moving forward. And yet, so often I see people, they won't do Facebook Live videos, they won't get on a coaching call. They won't talk about their problems. They're also, they're so worried about making their ego look good to everybody around them that they refuse to believe that inner peace is what's going to get them the result. That if only they did something, then they could reach their result. And I'm here to tell you, my friends, that's an absolute lie and a pipe dream. And what that comes from is that actually comes from judgment. It comes from judging other people that you've seen as successful as well. They did that to get there. So that's what I must do to get there. Because you have a false belief about what you judge and believe people have to do to be successful. And you've either decided either. I'm not going to do that. And if that's what it takes for me to be successful, I refuse to. Or you've made a belief that I have to do that and that's what it takes to be successful. And both of those are wrong because they're comparison and being dissatisfied with your present moment. And you're trying to use a comparison to somebody else's situation, to your situation to dictate what you will or will not do. Choose your life. Don't let anybody else choose it for you. Choose what you will do. Choose where you will go. Choose who you will talk to and be okay with. If the plan gets knocked off track, it's okay. That's one of the biggest ones that I see. Some people, man, they're like, no, nothing ever is going to knock My plan off track. And then they. They bulldoze over other people, and they don't care who they hurt in the process to do whatever it takes to get what they want. I don't believe that you're somebody that is willing to do that. I believe that you're somebody that cares about other people and cares about your family and your health and your relationships. But you also have a goal to go after greatness. And so the next flip side of that is this, is that, you know what? If I have to stay up an hour later, I'm going to do that. If. If I have to maybe shift some things, that's okay, because I chose my plan. I chose this plan. This plan doesn't define me. I am not a slave to the plan that I set up in my life. I use it as a tool to keep me on track. Oh, and by the way, the track can change because you create the track, my friends. This is. You have to get this. Nobody defines the track of your life but you. Nobody chooses which path to go in your life but you. And when it gets knocked off track, you say, you know what? I'm going to go this way. If God points you in another direction, great. You surrender to that. You say, I'm okay with that happening. I'm going to get back on track. Huh? And many people believe that what I just said are two conflicting messages. That finding peace when things are knocked off track and then getting back on track, they're not the same thing. They are. Because what will happen is instead of the chaos happening, you become centered in the piece, the perfect piece that's inside of you. And you keep your eyes fixed on the vision that's in front of you, that's in your present moment. You say, you know what? I'm going to change what I'm going to do in this present moment. I'm going to shift some things around and keep moving forward. I'm not going to let that environmental thing impact me. Peace in chaos equals prosperity. You have to choose that you will not be derailed by what is happening around you. You will not be derailed by what your family says, by what the news media says, by what your friends say, by what happens in your life. You will not do things based on the validation that you get from other people. You see, this is where this gets mixed up. Because our goals have to be greater than validating that we know what we're doing and proving to other people that we're right and proving our haters wrong. Because doing that means that you are allowing an outside influence to control you. Chaos is always going to happen. Be centered, in peace, choose joy, and keep moving forward. Take ownership over the choices that you've made in your life. Don't become a different person just because certain people are around. Stay solid in your identity and who you are. And you need to know who that is. You need to not become somebody that is tossed to and fro based on what happens in their life, based on the. The circumstances that are around them, based on the opinions of somebody that's coming in or. Or the opinions of what they think about what they would do in that situation and how they judge people. And you know what I realized when I was doing this, when I was letting chaos define me, is because I used to judge people who would live in chaotic lives and put things on hold to go take care of their priorities. And so I held myself to a higher standard of the way I judged another person. And I said, I will never be that way. And so I allowed my chaos to control me instead of taking ownership over my life because of the judgment that I had for other people and holding myself to that same standard, which came from shame, of feeling inadequate, that you know what? I really don't have everything in order. I felt ashamed of the fact that things weren't perfect in my life. I felt ashamed of that fact. And then that shame led me to say the only way to stop the shame is to make everything perfect. And that's the biggest lie on the planet earth that I could have believed. And often a lot of people are believing that they have shame, that everything is not perfect, that they. That they feel powerless, that they feel weak to what's happening around them. And they say if only I can be powerful and control and everything's perfect, then I won't feel the pain of that shame. And you have to realize and say this. You know what? I have felt that there are moments where I feel powerless. But I'm not going to let that shame define me. I'm going to let truth define me. You see, often we allow shame to create tapes in our head and programs that dictate our actions because we fear a being exposed or feeling the pain of that shame ever again. And so, okay, if everything's not perfect, I'm going to make sure that it's perfect. Bless God, in my whole life, no matter what happens, it's always going to be perfect. And we're actually allowing chaos to control us in that moment because the perfection is greater than peace. You cannot let your need to be right, be greater than love, peace, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. And yet we have a society that is built on being right, is the almighty worshiped element of our culture. And that if you are not right, you are wrong and you are less than. We have to get past this. We have to realize that we are not wrong or bad or our identity is not equal to what we do. And if things aren't perfect, it does not mean anything. It just means it didn't work out and that's okay. And we keep moving forward because we're confident in ourselves in the present moment. You can't be confident in yourself when you're not present because you're always comparing to a future or past event and trying to either reach there or go back, or pull things from the past that you think should have happened a certain way, or try to change what's in the future to control things when all you have right now is now in the present moment, right now. That's it. The future is just now. The past is just now happening. Stop waiting for everything to be perfect and tying your existence to control and perfection and order and your safety to everything being right in your life. Realize that you are safe, you are loved, and you are lovable. Even if you don't do things perfect, even if it doesn't go exactly as you planned, even if it doesn't pan out the way that you think it should, and it's okay for you to keep moving forward. You don't need to earn the right to get back up on the saddle. You don't need to do anything to keep moving forward. You don't need to feel the chaos when it happens. You can acknowledge it because that's the other thing. You don't want to disassociate from it, but acknowledge it. Say, great, I see you. I'm going to take care of that later. That's cool. And oftentimes, let's say it's kids coming in while you're trying to do a Facebook Live, what you'll say is, to the Facebook Live, I see you Facebook Live, I'm going to take care of these kids right now. Or say, you know what? These are my kids. Say, hi, everybody. Be okay with that. And often I've met people where they don't want to bring their kids on camera. There's. There's so many socioeconomic worries and fears that we have of what people will think or how they perceive us and our value and our worth tied to what Appearances are when we do things. And oftentimes that came in maybe through a parent or a teacher or somebody in our lives in the past that that told us that we were bad if we didn't equate to their image of how we should be. And we're living our life based on should be's and should do's of other people, instead of choosing to define our life the way that we want to define and choose it, and thinking that I'm not safe or accepted until I do that version of perfection that other people say is for me and this is no way to live, my friends. This is absolute stress and anxiety. Because we believe that unless I feel this feeling of stress and anxiety, it's not all going to be perfect. And so that equates to perfection is feeling that stress and anxiety. And we associate even the hormones, which is a chemical, it's like drugs that are in our head of how we feel. Think of when you take a drug of any kind, that feeling happens when we're stressed out. And so we associate that physical feeling with, I'm good enough if I feel this. And then things are in order. And we're essentially tying our reward system of our dopamine and our brain to putting chaos into order. And that we are not good or worthy unless we do that. When in fact, that is hurting us, that is keeping us stuck in a loop of never moving forward, of never reaching our goals because we care more about that feeling of good, worthy, done, and avoiding the shame and never feeling the shame that we never actually realize. You know what? I'm okay if it's not all done. I'm okay if it's not all perfect. It's okay because I choose my life. It's not chosen for me based on a picture of what I believe it needs to be based on what I've heard or read or people tell me it should be. I am the designer of my life. And in that, when there's chaos, you are able to do two things. Stick to a plan. I have a plan. I'm going to stick to it. Because nothing can knock me off track. Outside circumstances happen. They knock us off track. Great. It's no problem. I'm going to stick to the plan. Because our plan is being present in the moment with peace, love, joy and patience. And we manifest the vision and the destiny in our life by keeping our vision focused forward, focused on where we're headed in the present moment. By the way, and we say the best is going to happen to me, I expect the best to happen. And whatever happens is going to be the best. And I'm going to keep rolling with the punches. I'm not going to let how this panned out or what happened or the mistakes I made, or the opinions of other people of what I think that might mean if I make a mistake, or what how people might perceive me if I do something wrong, or how they might imagine my worth to be for not doing things perfect. And we say I am worthy. I love myself enough to be peaceful, to be grateful, to be thankful for the blessings and the lessons that this moment is teaching me. And in that moment, you can't lose. You either win or you learn, and you keep moving forward. And so, my friends, to stay focused in the middle of chaos, in the middle of all of this stuff going around us, we have to be present in the present moment, be peaceful. And this can be hard for some people, and this is an area that I love helping coach people through, is what are those sticking points? What are those loops? What are those glitches in our head that we kind of just get stuck in? And oftentimes this. This helps to just ask, well, why do I feel that way? Well, why is this so important? Well, what am I so afraid of? Well, is that really true? Well, and keep kind of really diving deep into that. And it's painful and it hurts. And that's why sometimes it's good to have somebody walk you through that with you. But you can do this on your own and start to really realize what's the truth and replace what you've been believing with the truth. That I'm going to be okay if it's not all perfect. I'm going to be okay if things are all chaotic around me. I'm going to be okay if I keep moving forward, that it's okay for me to be peaceful in this moment that would normally have been stressful and chaotic. And this will help you produce more results, get more done, with less time, with less stress, more energy. You'll have more focus, you'll have more clarity, you'll have more ideas because you're not in survival mode. You have to break free from that survival mode and things will start to flourish and manifest in your life. And that comes with intention. I used to believe that getting out of survival mode had to do with getting everything in order, when in fact it was really letting go of needing everything in order is how we get in survival mode. And things then start to fall into place. Guess what? Who thought that? Who would have thunk it that letting go of the need to control everything is what would bring everything into order in our lives. But it's the truth. And if you've never experienced that, I invite you to try it. Please try it. I had people telling me this for years before I tried it. And. And everything started to click and I started to realize the blessings of God that were in my life, that were coming into my life and how my life was working for me and not against me, but I was working against what was working for me by trying to control everything. When I finally let go and I said, you know what? I'm going to be peaceful and present in this moment and choosing love, joy and peace. Choosing peace. Saying, okay, peace, I feel it. Find a moment of peace and visualize it that you're peaceful in that moment. And start to meditate on, if I was peaceful in the middle of this chaos, what would happen in my life if I didn't worry about what would happen in my life if things didn't need to be perfect around me, how would I act if I didn't worry about other people's opinions about me? What would manifest in my life if I wasn't worried about looking good to others people? What would I do differently in my life? And then start writing those things down. Start writing down what you would do differently. And then make a plan to reach those goals. And whenever you get knocked off track, find the center. Peace. Spirit. And this flows from a state of spirit. Our spirit flows out and it comes in and it comes out. And when we're connected with the divine spirit of God in our lives, things start to flourish and manifest for us. Nothing is impossible for you. Stop expecting everything to be perfect for you to be safe and okay and realize that you are good just the way you are. You are lovable, you are worthy. You are worthy and are worth so much more than what you do. You don't need to do anything to earn anything. You're not defined by what other people say about you. The level of power and authority that you have in a situation is not defined by who gives it to you or who recognizes you. Step up in your life. Stop waiting for the perfect situations and the perfect circumstances to come in order to be in your life. For you to be defined as good enough. And realize that you are good enough just the way you are right now. And then choose your life. Choose and make a plan to do the things that you know you you're called to do and keep moving forward. Grow your life. Everybody. We'll talk soon. If you want to coach with me, head on over to my website, Jeremiah Krakowski.com, click the link that says coaching. You can leave your name and email address and schedule a time with me for us to hop on the phone and talk about coaching together. I can't wait to work with you. We'll talk soon.