49: What Happens When We Make Self Care A Priority? - #GrowYourLife

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to the Grow youw Life podcast where we talk about ways for you to grow in your life and your business, to do more. Go after your dreams and live a bigger life, the life that you were meant to live. On this episode, I want to talk about self care and how self care will directly impact your performance, your output, and what you do in your life. And the fact that even if you're trying to help other people, taking care of yourself first will exponentially increase the output that you have in your life. But we believe that we have so much going on that we can't take care of ourselves or that it's bad or selfish even to take care of ourselves. And so what we do is we turn ourselves into somebody that we're not. We deny how we feel inside because we believe that it's better that way. And we do things that we don't really want to do, to say that we're doing what's right, to not make mistakes, to do things perfect, to not be perceived as selfish or unloving, to avoid looking inauthentic, to avoid feeling pain and punishment for making mistakes. And we do this because there's safety and security in not taking care of ourselves, because we know that at least other people are taken care of. At least I'm doing all the right things, so I can't get in trouble. I can't get hurt. And what it is, is we're denying who we are for other people. We're denying who we are for how they perceive us. And we're trying to take false responsibility for other people's feelings in our life. My friends, this is one of the most selfish things that you can possibly do. And that might be triggering to hear that, because the entire mission for that is to not hurt anybody. You know, to not miss out on anything. And. And logically, it seems like it's not selfish. And logically, we know that self care isn't selfish. But inside of us, at the core, we believe that taking care of ourselves first is bad. And if we do that, we are bad. And that we have to manage how other people see us and perceive us. And this goes back to experiences in our life, oftentimes that come from childhood on up. Maybe getting blamed for things that happened in your home, maybe needing to take responsibility and be a caretaker when you needed to be taken care of and you didn't get the love and connection that you craved as a child. And then we're trying to get it from other people by sacrificing Ourselves for the payoff of being loved by people, being accepted, being validated. And so our entire mission in life is living on a hamster wheel, trying to validate and prove that we're worth living, that we're worthy of our life and to get permission from other people for the moments that we can take self care, that we take a backseat in our lives to other people. Have you ever experienced this? If you have, you're in the right place. And by the end of this episode, I want to help you get to the point where self care is your priority. And I'm going to tell you this, the truth is by you not taking care of yourself, you are doing a disservice to those that are around you. You are not helping other people. You might believe and feel that you are, but you're not. Because ultimately what you're also doing is you are wanting other people to be responsible for, for taking care of you. Because then if you do everything for them, they will validate that you are good. And it creates this codependent relationship with people. Maybe you've read things about codependency. This is not going to be a talk on codependency or addiction or things like that. This is a talk specifically about self care. Because I want to help you start to manifest the dreams and the goals that you have and break free from the prison of denying yourself for other people. Some people hearing that maybe you grew up in a religious background and saying that you were taught that it's bad to take care of yourself, that it's good to deny yourself for other people. And so living in that framework, that religious framework, or maybe you grew up from a parent raised you in that way that, that you were always to blame for everything going wrong and you were responsible for how they felt and they always rushed in to save you for how you felt. Or maybe you have kids that you're taking care of and you're wanting to make sure that they don't experience the pain that you did growing up. Or a boss that's not willing to take ownership over the choices in his business and is trying to blame you for where things are, or maybe in your home or, or with your spouse. This, what, this comes in all over our life in multiple different places. And it all points to one specific action and choice that we're making. That self care is bad and selfish. And that's couldn't be furthest from the truth. Not taking care of yourself is the most selfish thing that you could do. It really is. Because ultimately you are trying to get validated and a gold star from other people, that you did everything perfect, that you're not bad, that you're good, and that you won't get pain or punishment. And that you believe that if you don't do that that you will get hurt. And your life has been teaching you that your entire life. And so what you're doing is as you are abusing yourself to try to control other people, to not abuse you, because if you can do it first, other people won't. And a belief that if I don't do it, nobody else will. My friends, this is the root issue with not taking care of ourselves, with believing that it's bad to take care of ourselves first. It's not bad if you're burnt out, stressed out, can't think straight, and you're trying to take care of other people. You're ultimately putting your ego on a pedestal. And the validation and feeling like you're doing all the right things is at a higher place in your life, at a higher priority than taking ownership of your choices and doing the things that are going to get you to the next level. Listen, you're not responsible for other people's thoughts, feelings, emotions, choices or actions. And if other people get mad because you take care of yourself, that's not your responsibility to manage at all. You see, we're trying to control other people because we feel like if we can't, if I don't control how other people see me, what they think about me, then I will get punished, people will think bad things about me. And we equate our value to the opinions of what other people think about us. And so as long as we can control the rhetoric, control how people think about us, then we are safe and secure at the expense of self care, at the expense of self love, at the expense of doing the very things that we know that we need to do and must do. It's a, it's, it's a vicious cycle that we live in. I've lived it my whole life. I've lived in it for so long. Being afraid of how other people might perceive me for going after my dreams or feeling people feeling threatened that I'm building things on my own or, or feeling like, you know, I have to take care of other people's emotional feelings and denying myself for the payoff of feeling like I'm able to at least control other people and what they think about me. And I learned, you know, it's not my job or my responsibility to manage what other people Think about me, it's not none of my business what they think about me. It's not my job to manage how they feel. It's not my job to manage their choices. And as soon as you let go of that need to control other people and you start realizing, the only person that I need to control is myself. Now we're getting into self care because we're taking care of the root issue of believing that we need to control other people and other people can control us. And as long as we take care of others, other people will take care of us type relationship. And we actually start taking care of ourselves and not relying on other people to be there for us. Once you start doing this, once you give up the need to be there and care for other people and start taking care of yourself, you'll stop relying on others caring for your emotional needs, and you'll give other people the ability to actually step up, to start to take responsibility for their own choices. Oftentimes when we rush in and we become the savior to other people, we're also expecting other people to do that for us at some point in time. And so self care is saying, listen, I love myself enough to make the choices and the decisions that I need to do to get to the next level. And if that means saying no to certain things and saying yes to others, then I'm gonna do that. You know, oftentimes we say no to things that we should say yes to because we should be saying yes to self care. But we say no to it. And then we say yes to things that we should say no to. Denying ourselves, we, we say no to because of the payoff that we get at the end. And ultimately this is people pleasing and trying to manipulate and control situations to get the desired outcome that we think is the best for us. You need to detach yourself from desired outcomes, from trying to control how things pan out, from trying to make things come to fruition. Exactly. To the letter of how you see it, my friends. And that's how you're going to accomplish your vision. That's how you're going to step into your destiny. If you have a vision, a plan for your life that you're going after, something that you know you can accomplish, the only way that you're going to get there is to release the need to control how everything plays out, to control how other people react, to control how they respond. And this sounds counterintuitive because oftentimes we see people, they have a lot of influence, they're very successful, and we're comparing maybe how we've seen other leaders lead and we're like, okay, that's how I'm going to have to be to lead. Or we're like, listen, if I have to be like that jerk over there, man, I. I can't do it. So we flip to the other side, to where we become a people pleaser. And people pleasing is the most selfish and manipulative way of being because we're misleading people about our intentions, our needs, our yes is for sale. We're willing to say yes to things that we don't even believe in. We're basically pimping ourselves out to what other people think is best for us because there's safety in that, because we feel a comfort zone in that, because that's where we're most comfortable and we're looking for that feeling of comfort that's been a pattern in our life. And we're actually coming back into the comfort zone. Listen, it's gonna be painful for you to stop taking control of other people, taking responsibility for their own choices, stepping up in your own life and expecting other people to step up. A powerful person shows other people how to respect them by respecting themselves and not trying to control or take care of other people. It's not a noble thing to take responsibility, false responsibility for other people's choices. It's not, it's not caring, it's not loving. It's actually one of the most unloving and selfish things that we can do because ultimately we are trying to get something from that. We're trying to get something from our actions. It's, it's, it's a horrible, vicious cycle we have to break free from. We have to stop it and step into being a powerful person, making the choices that we know are going to help us get to the next level. Taking care of ourselves first and not denying ourselves to help other people. Loving ourselves enough to say, hey, listen, I can't do that, hey, listen, no. Or let's talk about that, or let me think about that. And here's the big one, my friends. Accepting other people's no when they say it to us. When other people say, no, I can't do that. We oftentimes try to control them because there's safety and security in getting them to come to our side and agreeing with us and doing what we want. Ultimately, not taking care of yourself is trying to control other people and take care of them. And it's manipulative, it's controlling, it's very selfish because we're Ultimately trying to control our safety, security and feelings of love, worth and importance based on getting other people to do what we want. Can't do it, my friends. You can't. You have to give up that need. You have to give up the need to try to get other people to do exactly what you want for your safety and security. Listen, leadership is not controlling other people. Leadership is getting other people to step up, take ownership over their choices while you take ownership over yours. And you're influencing. Influence is not control. Influence is, is helping another person see the light and make the choice for themselves, not because you made them do it. Stop trying to make other people do the right things in their life and start making yourself do the things that you know are healthy for you. It's going to be hard for you. It's going to be painful to start to do some self care. Seriously. But it's worth it. It's worth it in the end to take a step forward your life to take care of yourself and to do the things that you know that you need to do. You cannot give up your life for other people. Now how does this apply in business? I know we have responsibility when we're, when we're selling a product, we're serving other people. How does this apply to serving other people? When you can take care of yourself, you can serve others at an exponentially greater level than you ever could trying to sacrifice yourself. See what I'm saying? It's complete selfishness because you're prioritizing the feeling of validation, the feeling of doing enough, the feeling of everything perfect for the payoff of that. It's a drug like dopamine hit telling you that I'm good enough, I'm worthy, I'm worthy to be loved, I'm lovable. And if I don't do this, unlovable. And we're waiting for other people to validate our worth by giving up ourself, by relying on other people to care for us and to love us. And we're expecting that to actually work out for us. You need to be the person in your life that loves yourself and cares for yourself more than you expect anybody else to. And out of that place of being filled up with ease in, in yourself and having confidence in yourself and your choices, then the overflow will impact and help other people. You are not helping anybody at all by denying yourself by not loving yourself, by not taking care of yourself and giving up your life for other people. And you're actually. That's the worst thing that you could do. It really is. But we believe and we feel that it's bad to take care of ourselves and to love ourselves. Isn't that fascinating? Isn't that incredible? Listen, I'm not talking about a narcissistic, well, I'm going to take care of myself and make other people do what I want. That's the other flip side of this. Stop trying to make other people do what you want for your own safety and security and love. Stop holding people on the hook for how you feel and get off the hook for how other people feel. Start to choose the choices that are best for you, your family, your future, your destiny, for those that you support, that you love, that you care for. And that choice is taking care of yourself, spending time taking care of how you feel, doing a deep dive, feeling the pain that you need to vulnerably grow to the next level, to stop putting yourself into abusive situations. Oftentimes we say, well, I just don't want to hurt somebody. Because you believe that you're responsible for other people's feelings, you are not responsible for the feelings or choices of other people. Or we're worried that we're going to miss out on what we deserve if we don't do that. Oh my friends, it's a vicious, dirty, nasty cycle that human beings are on. And it all points to if we just learned to fill ourselves up, to love ourselves enough, to say no when we mean no, yes when we mean yes, and to set boundaries for ourselves, to love ourselves enough that we say, this is what I need to operate at my best, at my potential. And when we do that, we will help others, we will accomplish our goals, we will reach higher levels where we're going when we do that as a self defeating method, trying to not love ourselves, to not take care of ourselves, and to only focus on the needs of other people when we're going to help the needs of other people, when we are going to reach our goals, when we come in the present moment, be present and take care of ourselves. Spend some time resting, spend some time playing, spend some time having fun, spend some time where you know you don't need to clean up everything to be safe and secure. You don't need to finish that thing before you can go to bed, you can finish it the next day. And your worth is not tied to what you do and you're filled up inside of yourself with confidence, with clarity, with joy, with love. Going after your goals and from the overflow of that, that's how we impact the world around us. And so let's start this week. Start taking some time to take care of yourself, pressing in deep. Start not worrying about how I might hurt another person if I take care of myself, or missing out on what I deserve, or being selfish because I love myself and choosing to prioritize validation over the things that are going to get us to the next level. Start to say some declarations over yourself. I am good, I am lovable, I am beautiful, I am great. I will go after my dreams. I don't need to take care of other people to be safe and secure and I don't need other people to take care of me. There's a difference between interdependence and codependence. Listen, living in community, helping other people is a good thing, but not at the expense of sacrificing ourselves, burning ourselves out and pushing ourselves and abusing ourselves down to the point that we feel justified because we're being good people and caring for other people. That's. That's not helping you. It's not helping anybody else. The only way that you are going to reach your goals is to press into this, to declare goodness over yourself, to stop trying to take responsibility for other people and to start to love yourself enough to set boundaries, to say no when you mean no, yes when you mean yes. And to go after your goals with all that you got and not worry about how other people think will judge you, how they will react, their emotions, their feelings, and helping to soothe yourself, helping to yourself control your emotions, to be in a place that is consistent. That is what you need to reach that next level. If you're not part of the hashtag Grow youw Life community on Facebook, there's over a thousand people just like yourself that are growing in their life and their business to reach their goals every single week. Look it up on Facebook. And if you want to win a free coaching session with me, leave. Grow your life in the comments on my Instagram. Every single week, I pick one winner to coach with. If you want to do some coaching with me, I have 15 minute slots of strategy calls on my website as well. You can go on there, schedule a time with me, let me know. I want to work with you. I want to talk with you. I want to hear the things that you're working through and help you reach your goals. But you have to get this thing down. Stop feeling selfish. Stop feeling like you're obligated to do things and denying yourself for your safety and security so that you feel like you are good and not bad and so that you. You feel like you're not making mistakes, that you're being perfect. You don't need to be perfect. Stop trying to avoid pain and punishment by abusing yourself and turning yourself into someone that you're not, and start to take care of yourself and love yourself enough to make the choices and decisions that are good for you, that are going to serve you towards your goals. Grow your life, everybody, and we'll talk soon.