79: Stopping The Self Sabotage Cycle - #GrowYourLife

Hey, everyone. Thanks for listening to the Grow youw Life podcast. My name is Jeremiah Krakowski, and on this podcast we talk about ways for you to grow in your life and in your business, to get more results, reach your goals faster, and to do more in your life. Many of us have goals. We have dreams, we have a vision. But taking action and creating those and doing the tangible strategies that are going to get us there, that's where we usually need some help. And many times when we go about it on our own, trying to do it on our own, and trust that we know everything on how to get to the finish line without anybody's help, we miss what might have saved us years along the way. And so that's what this podcast is for, is to help save you years on your journey of growing and building a business online and living a bigger life. It's a mix of personal development and business coaching. If you haven't joined the hashtag grow your life Facebook group, I highly recommend that you join it. There's over 1500 people in there just like you that are growing in their life and in their business every single day, where you can ask questions to help you reach your goals. And if you haven't yet, check out. I have two courses, Website Building Made Easy, where I show you how to use Squarespace to build a website and social media ads that Work, where I give you the entire blueprint on how to create social media ads on Facebook and Instagram that reach people, that get results and that create sales in your business. Okay, now today I want to talk about self sabotage. This is a topic that I would even consider myself the king of self sabotage. I consider myself somebody that has frequently and constantly done actions of self sabotage for years. And I'm not perfect on this, but I want to share with you along the way just something that's going to get you one step forward in your journey out of self sabotage. The way that it's helped me. Because in reality, if you have a goal, self sabotage is going to prevent you from reaching that goal if you keep self sabotaging. And I would be boldly willing to say that if you're not creating the amount of sales that you want in your business, meaning you have a goal of a million dollars in sales, $100,000, $10,000 in sales, $500. The only reason that you are not creating those kind of sales in your business is self sabotage at some level or another. I see this constantly with people that I coach, with business owners, and even people that are highly successful. The most successful people have self sabotage and deal with it on a regular basis. And for every single moment that they reject that it exists in their life, it continues to perpetuate and get deeper and deeper and deeper and worse. As soon as we can admit and be honest with ourselves and say, yeah, you know what, I am self sabotaging this. We have to first start by taking ownership over every single action, outcome and experience in our lives that we're having at this moment in time. Saying, I am responsible for where I am today because the choices that I made because of decisions along the way and nobody else is to blame but me. That's the first foundation that's going to end self sabotage because we're going to take ownership over. The fact that yeah, I have been keeping myself stuck has nothing to do with what they did to me, what they said, or what I experienced. Now I want to pause and say this. I'm not invalidating experiences. People have experienced trauma, they've experienced bullying, They've experienced horrific situations in the workplace, in their personal life and in business. And this is not to say that those things are good at all. What happened, happened. But the story that we tell ourselves about what happened, that's where we are today. And you can't change the past, but you can change how you choose to respond and act today. And so if you're using your past experiences as a crutch to stay stuck right where you are, that is self sabotage. Now. I posted this post yesterday by Dr. Heidi Green on Instagram. I reshared it. Self sabotage looks like rejecting praise and compliments, not asking for help, pushing people away when they start to get too close, opening up and attaching to others prematurely. Refusing to do something unless you can do it perfectly. Procrastinating on important projects, putting everyone else's needs before your own, constantly criticizing yourself and isolating when you are hurting. Now I asked my followers, what does self sabotage manifest for you? And what I got back was overthinking about how to accomplish something. Holding a grudge from what somebody did to me for years, distracting myself from my goals because I don't want to do them. Trying to find other things to do to take up my time so that I don't have to do the things that I should do. Beating myself up over committing to things that I should say no to. Okay, so these are all different ways that self sabotage manifests these different aspects. You know, Another one for me is debating people arguing, trying to prove a point, trying to prove that I'm right. And other people are wrong. That's another form of self sabotage. These are all encompassing that ways that for our, our unique personalities get us caught up in a loop and a cycle that allows us to avoid doing what we're doing. Because what we're doing is we're scapegoating why we aren't taking the action that we need to take onto this thing that we're self sabotaging. So we're saying, I'm excused from being successful because I'm upset about what happened to me. I'm excusing why I'm not where I want to be because I argued with somebody all day today. So we create these excuses and these beliefs that we think are good enough to justify why we are where we are today. Instead of taking ownership and saying, yeah, you know what, I chose to spend time doing that. And it ultimately is a form of control. When people feel out of control, they will find whatever they can to control whatever is around them to feel like they are in control. And so self sabotage is actually a way to feel more in control when we feel out of control in certain areas. Because as long as we can justify why we aren't where we want to be based on something outside of us, we are in control. Because you know what? We didn't choose for that to happen. That's where the glitch is. That's where the glitch happens, is we end up trying to please other people so that they don't get mad at us, so that they think that we're wise, so that they like us, so that they think that we're smart, so that they think that we are good, so that we think that we're wise, so that we like us, so that we think that we are good. And the foundation that this all comes from is a fractured sense of self, a fractured sense of knowing what you want to do and choosing to do it and instead relying on what is outside of you for motivation. And this area right here keeps people stuck in cycles for years of having a dream and having a goal and then creating good enough reasons that they never come out with that goal, that they never accomplish that goal, that they never even make steps towards that goal, because at least I justified it by the fact that I self sabotaged. We ultimately are telling ourselves that we are powerless to overthinking emotional feelings, procrastination, saying yes to other people ruminating or holding a grudge, that we are powerless to that. And so it's a belief that we are a powerless person in this area to that thing that we use to justify the self sabotage so that we ultimately feel like we're in some sort of control because at least it's not our fault that we aren't successful. That's the cycle of self sabotage. That's ultimately what it is, is we have a goal and we justify why we're not there through some good enough reason or excuse for why we are not where we want to be. Now, yes, there are reasons that you can't take action on certain things. I'm not suggesting that you go do anything illegal or, or stupid or get yourself into a hole or a bind of a situation that's going to get you hurt. Yet many of us have goals inside of us where we know where we want to go and yet we justify why we aren't moving in that direction yet. Or maybe we are moving in that direction, it's going slowly and we say that we're being wise and trusting the process along the way of how to get there instead of saying, how can I accelerate this? How can I get there faster? Because we justify ultimately benefiting from the self sabotage. You see, the only reason that we do it is because there is a benefit and it's an addictive cycle. It's a cycle that we get caught up in because there's a perceived, believed, possibly subconscious benefit to our self sabotage. They're gonna like me, I'm gonna look smart. What else did I write down here? I'm gonna appear good to people. I'm gonna be busy, so I need to make sure that, that I make everybody else around me happy to control what's going on in my world around me. Many times you have to speak up, step up and say something that's not going to make everybody happy for you to start to reach your goals. You see, self sabotage is the person that refuses to walk in their courage, that is scared to take steps forward, that uses their personality as a reason to justify why they are where they want to where they are right now and not where they want to be because they feel like, well, that's just how I am. That's just my personality. I can't change. Listen, I know a lot of introverts that are highly successful leaders. Being an introvert has nothing to do with your leadership ability whatsoever. Being an introvert, introvert has to do with how you connect with people in your personal time, in a business. You have to be somebody that is assertive and willing to step up in your life and take ownership over your actions. And there's no personality type that is better or worse equipped for that. In fact, in doing multiple types of personality type assessments, yes there are certain like the high D and the disc type. But ultimately what I see when I coach with people, work with them and have observed leaders is it's really just a bunch of crappy excuses for why people aren't where they want to be. They're justifying it to themselves the same way that they've always justified why why they are and the reason why their life has never changed year after year after year after year after year. And that's called insanity to keep doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting to get a different result. Are you ready to get off the hamster wheel of doing the same crappy self sabotage cycle over and over and over again and start to take steps forward? I want to take a look at this post again on my social media. Rejecting praise and compliments. It's a form of false humility because we believe that if we put ourselves down, we're humble, we're good, we're better, we're more godly, that if we hate ourselves that that's a better position to be in, that that's a more righteous position when in fact self hatred is just wrong. You need to love and respect yourself enough to step up and say thank you, I appreciate that and start to really believe and appreciate yourself for who you are. If you're waiting for other people to tell you who you are, you're going to be waiting your whole life. You have to find that belief and that confidence inside yourself. And that comes through experience. That comes through experiences. When we know something, the more we do it, the better that experience gets. The the other one is when we don't ask for help. These are ultimately pride positions. Self sabotage is rooted in a negative form of pride and a lack of healthy boundaries boundaries with ourselves. I'm so prideful that I don't want to appear prideful. So I'm going to reject loving myself and reject praise and compliments because I don't want to look arrogant, egotistical, narcissistic. It's completely prideful to be that way because we are afraid of looking in a way that people aren't going to like us not asking for help. It's so prideful because we're going to figure it out all on our own without any help from anybody else. This is not helping. You start to ask for help, start to thank people for compliments when people start to get close to you, stop Pushing them away. Start to learn to trust people more. This is all about connection. This is all about relationship. The more that we can grow in relation with other people, the stronger our ability to reach our goals is. You see, for you to make sales in your business, you have to be able to connect with other people. And in a deep way, in an intimate way. You have to allow people into your space to get close to you to the point that they could possibly hurt you and criticize you. But you see, if your belief is I'm powerless to those people, you're going to do everything you can to make sure they never get close enough. And that's the cycle of self sabotage. Another side of it is opening up too prematurely to people because we're trying to seek validation. Boundaries and healthy boundaries are important. And the book Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud is so valuable because he walks you through a process of developing healthy boundaries, saying no, not over committing to things that you know you can't do. Being honest with yourself and other people about what you are able to do. It's time for you to stop isolating yourself from the world around you and start making some real lasting connections with other human beings on planet earth. Start creating some friends, start getting some friends, start meeting some other people. I'm not talking about putting other people's needs before yourself. You see, that is another form of self sabotage. This is a balance, right? We say no to putting other people's needs before ourselves unless we can do it. And it's not can do. Like am I physically able? Like do I? Am I breathing so I can, but rather, you know, you know what? Because I respect myself enough, I can't do that. And my no says no. Doesn't mean that I don't love you. Doesn't mean that I don't care about you. I just can't. And letting your no be no and your yes be yes. Ending the cycle of procrastination on important projects. Starting to be more self disciplined, more intentionable, intentional on taking the actions that you need to take in projects. Starting to take action even when you know that you can't do it all perfectly. Realizing that you are safe, even if things don't turn out perfectly, if you followed me for any length of time, my content on my social media, my page, my profile, these are all things that we need to converge to end the self sabotage cycle. Start loving yourself. Start saying no. Start having boundaries. Start asking for help from other people. Stop pushing other people away. Learning how to recognize who to trust and who not. To start taking action even if you know that you're going to fail to learn in the process. Stop putting other people's needs before you and giving other people the fumes of what you have to offer. Stop criticizing yourself in a negative way. It's not helping you and it's not helping other people to be so critical of yourself. Stop isolating yourself. Stop procrastinating on things. Start to take action more intentionally. Start to get around some people. Start to create connections and build community with people you see sales. You have to create lasting connections with other human beings, connecting with them as people. Like getting close to people emotionally, mentally, physically, intentionally, on purpose and for the purpose of what you're trying to do. This has nothing to do with being an introvert or an extrovert whatsoever at all. When you have a goal, when you have something that you want to go do, be intentional for that and then pull back to recharge. Re energize Self care is so important. Stop going to the table with a gas tank on empty. Start coming to the table with a filled up gas tank of fuel and energy to accomplish what you need to accomplish. You have to stop putting other people's needs in front of yourself and start making the decision that today I'm gonna do what I have to do and take ownership over my life. Stop scapegoating why I'm not where I want to be on all these other reasons, on all these other excuses, on all these other experiences and start to choose to move forward in your life today. Now I'm going to add to that one final note. I also posted this on my social media and I hope that this brings it home for you. Dr. Caroline Leaf said it's okay if all you did today was get up and watch Netflix. It's okay if you didn't work out, it's okay if you didn't declutter your room. It's okay if you didn't feel like talking about the crisis or learn a new skill. It's okay if you were quote unquote lazy. It's okay if you didn't do a checklist or follow what experts or social media influencers said to try to make you feel guilty. Don't let other people's definition of productivity keep you from enjoying your life. And that I fully agree with. And that doesn't conflict with anything that I'm saying right here, my friends. Self sabotage is putting your worth, your choices, your identity, your future, your business and your goals in the hands of other people and walking and Living as a powerless person, saying I have no power over my future. These other people, these other situations, these other things outside of me are what controls me. When we can start to take back the reins in our life and say, no, I'm the one that gets to choose this, regardless of what they think outside of me, we cut and end the cycle of self sabotage. Now, yes, you're gonna end up, this is gonna be a long term journey. You're going to come face to face with self sabotage. That's part of it. You see. Think back, don't make ending self sabotage not be on your goal list because you can't do it perfectly. That is self sabotage. You see what I'm saying? So when we get so stuck on this whole I'm not going to do it until I do it perfect fiasco of thinking whatever it is, it's just kind of crazy and, and yet I think it all the time. Yes, I have these crazy thoughts, I have these feelings right here that I'm talking about right now. I experience this constantly on a consistent basis. And so what it takes is it takes some time for self care, self love, self respect to say, you know what? I love and respect myself enough to not let what's outside of me control me. And I'm gonna choose what I'm gonna do for my life today from this day forward. And when you do that, when you start doing that, your life changes, you start getting more results in your life and in your business, whatever these areas are for you. And so I'm gonna keep unpacking this topic of self sabotage in the weeks to come. It really encompasses everything that I think that all of the people that follow me are dealing with in one way or another. And I know that there's gonna be somebody that's listening to this, that doesn't think, think that they have any self sabotage and it's just a lack of a strategy as why that they're not successful. I'm going to give you a little hint here on that one. You're self sabotaging yourself because you're justifying it based on a lack of a strategy because somebody didn't tell you what to do, because somebody didn't give you the exact blueprint. You're justifying why you aren't where you want to be because somebody else didn't perform the way that you want to. It's time to break that cycle of scapegoating everything else outside of you and start taking ownership for why you are where you are today. You don't know how to do something. Learn. You don't know how to ask. Ask somebody how to ask. You're worried that they're going to get upset, you're going to inconvenience them. They don't want to help you. You got a choice to make. Am I going to get over feeling scared of human beings or not? Ultimately what it is. Are you scared of people or not? Are you scared of what they can do to you, what they're going to say to you, how they're going to think about you or not? And eventually choose. It's okay if they get upset. Choosing to not ask for help because you don't want to inconvenience somebody to feel good about yourself. Is living your life based on pleasing and making other people happy and you're trying to control their reactions to you. It's self sabotage. It's control, it's manipulation, it's people pleasing. That's the cycle that I'm talking about that we have to end here. We have to break and we have to choose that I'm going to take ownership over my life and start to do the things that we are going to move me forward to the next stage of where I'm going. And I know that if you're listening to this right now, you are somebody that can do that. There are some people that have listened to this podcast episode that have already shut it off. Probably they didn't get to this part of the episode. That's fine. For those of you that got to the end of this, I believe that you're somebody that is working towards this and I'd love to hear from you. I'd love to figure out a plan and a strategy to get you to that next level. And so schedule a free 15 minute call with me on my website. Go to Jeremiah Krakowski.com free call. Schedule a free call with me and we can talk about how to get you to where you want to be, creating sales in your business and living the life of your dreams. And if you want to win a free 30 minute coaching call with me, you can go to my Instagram and leave. Grow your life. It's all one word. Grow your life. One word, no spaces. Grow you your life. In the comments on any of my Instagram posts, I pick one winner every single week on Sunday to win those. Grow your life everybody. And we'll talk soon.