My Battle with Anxiety and Panic Attacks used to Cripple Me | David Diga Hernandez

I know what it's like to battle with anxiety and suffer from panic attacks on a regular basis. I know what it is to need freedom mentally and emotionally. I know what it is to go to prayer meeting after prayer meeting. I know what it is to go to the conferences, the worship seminars, the revival retreats, the special events. I know what it is to have people lay hands on me. Prophets prophesy over me, pastors pastor me, teachers teach me. I've had oil poured over me, shofars blown over me. I know what it is to pray the curse-breaking prayers, to go through the deliverance sessions, and then still time and time again, come up short. I know what it is to ask, will this ever end? Or is this just something that I'm going to suffer with for the rest of my life? I know what it is to lift my hands to heaven with tears streaming down my face, And to say, Lord, don't you see what I'm going through? Why can't you move and break the power of whatever it is that's causing me to suffer? I, as a Christian, know what it is to suffer mentally and emotionally. The truth is that even after we are saved, we can still battle things. We can still be attacked, not possessed or demonized, but attacked by demonic powers. We can still suffer emotionally. We can still suffer mentally. And unless we address the problem at the root, we'll continue to live in perpetual bondage. So for me, for several years, nothing seemed to be working. And that's exactly what I wanna share with you about. I wanna share with you my testimony and how the Holy Spirit helped me to overcome anxiety and panic disorder, panic attacks on a regular basis.

Yes.

I went through this. Yes, the Holy Spirit set me free. And yes, today I am living in the liberty of the work that he continues to do in my life. But this goes even further than just anxiety and panic attacks. I'm talking to anyone who needs an emotional or mental healing. I'm talking to those of you who suffer with things like OCD, depression, confusion, apathy. I am talking to those who are looking for stability in their mind and their emotions. I'm talking to those who are suffering and don't even know why. You see, it began for me at the age of 7. Even as a 7-year-old boy, I can recall sensing the spiritual warfare over my life. I could sense in the atmosphere around me, the battle between light and darkness. As a 7-year-old boy, I was attacked viciously by demonic powers. I can recall seeing demonic faces in the walls of my room. I recall on several instances seeing demonic manifestations, not in people, but actual demonic beings right before my very eyes. In fact, on 2 occasions, I actually conversed with demonic beings directly. I'm not proud of this, I'm not bragging about this. This is not something I'm sharing so that I can glorify demonic power. I'm sharing this with you so that you know just how severe it was for me. Now, I began to look at this, and then I did some research on my family history. I do believe, by the way, that demonic beings strategize against people generationally. Why? Because what works on the parent will likely work on the child. Genetics, upbringing, inclinations, thought patterns. Parents produce children who are very similar to them. And so the enemy is very wise in this area. He knows if it worked on the parent, it can work on the child because they're so much alike. They had a similar upbringing, cycles repeat. But I don't call these generational attacks generational curses. I don't use that terminology because The word curse implies that you have no power to overcome it. The word curse implies that you have no responsibility in what you're suffering with. The word curse implies that you're a victim, a victim of your parents' decisions, even though the scripture makes it clear that God won't punish you for the decisions of your parents. But see, what happens is the enemy strategizes against us generationally, and if we make similar choices to our ancestors, we will experience similar consequences. To break the power of generational attack, you simply have to choose to make different choices. And in choosing to walk in the Holy Spirit, in choosing to walk in obedience, then now you're set free from having to repeat the same consequences and scenarios that your ancestors before you had to repeat. I recall one time a woman coming up to me, And she was in tears, just absolutely broken. And she tells me, David, I thought I broke the curse in my family. And she was talking about her son who had committed a sin that generationally each family member had committed. And she said, I thought I broke that curse. I said, you did. You can't curse whom God has blessed. This is not a curse. That was his choice to go and do what he did. And that choice was in response to an attack of the enemy. So it's not as though there are demons in the delivery room, waiting in the corner. And as the baby is born, they jump in and say, now's my opportunity and I can make them do whatever I want. No, we are all given free will. We are all given the opportunity to choose differently. And so I refer to these generational attacks, again, I don't necessarily have a huge problem with the term curse, but it implies things that just aren't biblical. Here's a question for you. If God says blessed, Can you say cursed? If God says blessed and his words are all powerful, then whose words are powerful enough to contradict what God has said? Now, some might say, Brother David, what about open doors? Well, an open door is simply vulnerability to demonic attack and deception. You can do things and say things and think things that cause you to be more vulnerable to deception and demonic attack. But this is not the same thing as a demon coming in to enter the believer. This is just giving the enemy the upper hand in their attacks that they weigh against you. Now, I said that because as I did my research on my family history, I found that I came from a line of witches and warlocks. My great-great-grandfather was a warlock who practiced in Zacatecas, Mexico. And he was very famous in that region. People would come from all around the region. to have him place hexes on their enemies, to have him heal their sick. And of course, he operated in demonic power. There were some reports, I don't necessarily believe these, I think they were probably exaggerations, but there were some reports that he was able to call down fire from the sky. And again, I think that was probably an exaggeration of his power, but this just goes to show you how much people believed in what he was doing. And so these same spirits, these same attacks, that came against him that he really welcomed into the family line. Now these demonic beings are strategizing against our family generationally in that same area. My grandmother and her sister, when they were little girls, would play a game. And in this game, they would move things with their mind. They thought all the other kids could do it. They could open and shut cabinets with their mind. And my grandmother would sit there and say, okay, do it again, do it again, do it again. Shut all the cabinets and then tell her sister, go for it. And she would, with her mind, open all of the cabinets. And that's an account I heard firsthand from my grandmother. And again, they thought this was normal. Of course you can move things with your mind. Of course you can place hexes. Of course we have these supernatural abilities. But this was demonic power. Now, my family came to Christ, my grandmother eventually, and my grandfather came to Christ. And of course, the moment you come to Christ, Curses are broken. I don't care what your family bloodline is, it's not more powerful than the blood of Jesus. And so when you come into Christ, you become a new creation. All things become new, the scripture says, not some things, everything that has to do with your nature now transforms. You become a completely new creation. Colossians 1:13 tells us, he has delivered us from the power of darkness. Now he's actually placed us under a new jurisdiction, into a new world. We now become protected by the Father, but this doesn't mean—

That's right.

that the enemy can't still attack us. So my family was protected to some degree. The enemy was limited on what he could do, but he still came back to see what he was able to get away with. And of course, he began attacking the grandchildren. Myself and all my cousins on that side of the family, we all have stories of demonic encounters. We all have stories of things that we remember that now we realize that wasn't normal. But back then we thought, oh, that's just, of course, that's the supernatural manifestations. I recall having friends that would stay the night at my house and they would often report sensing another presence in the room with us. They would see different things move around the house. They would have these unexplainable things take place right in front of them, things moving from off the shelf, things being thrown and tossed. When I was a kid, I can recall just playing And an entire bookshelf just moved forward and fell on top of me. No one was touching it. It wasn't being moved. It wasn't next to a window where a draft could come in. It was just up against the wall, the bookshelf that had never been moved before, hadn't been moved since, wasn't prone to falling over. It was a shelf. And it just out of nowhere moved forward and fell on top of me. I remember as a kid just thinking, how did that even happen? I was literally just playing. And looking back now, I know exactly what that was.

Divine intervention.

And so as a kid, I developed this heaviness, and I just remember sensing this weight on me. I would hear these voices and see these faces. In one instance, I woke up in the middle of the night and I turned over and I saw a couch in the middle of my room. This was not a couch that was there during the day, nor had it ever been there before or since. And on the couch, there were these 3 old women. And I could describe them to you in detail. I don't think that's necessary for this stream, but these 3 old women were sitting on this couch and just looking at me. And I remember vividly wondering, who are these 3 old women? Later I find out these were actually people from our family history. Now I think those were demonic powers imitating them. I don't think that was actually them. So this heaviness began to develop on me. And I remember just having this deep sense of sorrow. Not only that, I also had this really anxious heart. Every scenario, I thought worst case scenario. Even as a kid, I was very aware of eternity in hell, death, accidents, danger. And it was just something that ate me up inside from 7 years old and onward. Now this intensified. 7 years old, 8 years old, 9 years old, 10 years old. And it intensified every year. And finally, when I was 11 years old, I remember I said, I've had enough. And I gave my life to the Lord. Now, I know that there are some people who have an issue with the, what they call sinner's prayer. And if someone uses it as a script, if someone uses the sinner's prayer as a script, and doesn't necessarily mean it sincerely, then of course, that's not something that I think would save them. But though the Bible doesn't talk about the sinner's prayer, it does talk about sinners who pray. The scripture is very clear about the importance of confessing with your mouth. It's not that the verbalization or pronunciation actually produces salvation, otherwise, how could mute people be saved? But rather it's talking about a, Verbal confession that coincides with the genuine surrender, a genuine placing of the faith in the finished work of the cross. And that verbal confession that coincides with a genuine placing of your faith in the finished work of the cross is sometimes what demonstrates salvation. Now, again, I'm not saying that is in and of itself what demonstrates it, but it's an expression, I think is a better way to say it. It's a sincere expression of what's, actually happening in that moment. So I remember I prayed the sinner's prayer. I'm sitting on my bed, and this was at a Bible conference, by the way. My family had been there all week. And I'm sitting on the hotel bed. There were 2 hotel beds in that room. I'm sitting on one bed. Across from me, sitting on the other bed is my father. And I'm just telling him, Dad, I need to get saved. I need to receive Jesus. I grew up in church. I know the scripture, but I don't know Jesus. And so he takes my hands and we begin to pray. And as I begin to pray, this overwhelming sense of love, like waves of love and joy and peace were just washing over me. I can't even begin to describe to you what it was that I was sensing in that moment. And I'm trying to repeat the words my dad is saying, but I was so overcome with this love and this joy and this peace and this euphoria of, it just felt like I was bursting with light. That's the best way I can explain it. And I remember it was such an intense moment. I was so overcome by the moment that my mouth was shaking. And tears, I remember just feeling the heat of the tears on my face. Tears were pouring down my face. I couldn't even get the words out. I'm just expressing what I can in this prayer. And I'll tell you this right now, it was in that moment that Jesus walked into that room. And the moment that Jesus walked into that room, every devil that had tormented me walked out. You see, at salvation, you are delivered from any demonic beings that may be attached to you or inhabit you. Let me show that to you. It's not in my notes. And as I mentioned before the stream, for those of you who were tuning in earlier, I don't have any notes. I'm just sharing my testimony today. And we'll have some scripture commentary, of course. Giving thanks, Colossians 1:12, giving thanks unto the Father, which hath made us meet to be partakers of the inheritance of the saints of light. Wow. I'm not a sinner anymore. I'm a saint. I am of the light, not of the darkness. Who hath, by the way, this is past tense, speaking to Christians now, who hath delivered us from the power of darkness and hath translated us into the kingdom of his dear Son. So the Bible is clear. When you are born again, demonic attachments are broken. God does not hide our freedom behind demonic mysteries and genealogies and ancient secrets and riddles. God sets us free the moment we receive Christ. Now this begs the question, and this is somewhat of a side note, but I think it's important to discuss. This begs the question, well then why even have deliverance ministry? Because as you know, I love the Holy Spirit's deliverance ministry. I believe in deliverance. I believe in casting out devils. This begs the question, well, Brother David, If demons leave when you are saved, what then is the point of casting demons out of people? Well, some people will not come to Christ until they've experienced exorcism. Think of Mary Magdalene. Think of the demoniac, the one who said he had a legion of demons in him. After he had his demons expelled, then he was able to experience that freedom in a way to where he desired to follow after Jesus. He was delivered and then he desired to follow Jesus.

Think of—

The slave girl who the apostle delivered through the power of the Holy Spirit, that demon was driven out of her. She wasn't a believer at that time, but the demon was driven out of her. So deliverance, exorcism, I should say more specifically, exorcism can lead to salvation. So deliverance ministry isn't pointless just because when we're saved, we lose demonic attachment. In fact, it's God's goodness that leads a man to repentance. So sometimes when someone experiences that, exorcism, the demons go, the attachments leave, they can no longer habitate you, or inhabit you, I should say, then they're released from that. Now they wanna follow Jesus after they've received their exorcism. So again, exorcism can lead to salvation. So those who are wondering, well, what's the point then of casting devils out of people? Well, now you know, because sometimes it can lead them to salvation. Anyway, in that moment, I was liberated. from the demonic power. Now watch this, because I'm gonna be real honest with you here. I told you I'm gonna be vulnerable with my testimony. I think it's important that you hear this, because even though I was set free in that moment, that wasn't the last time I would ever deal with anxiety or even depression or even panic attacks. No, no, my friend. In fact, my worst battles were up ahead. You say, how can that be? Many believers don't understand. I didn't. That there are more, we have more than one enemy. There's self and Satan. You get rid of demonic influence. You get rid of demonic attachments, demonic habitation through salvation or through exorcism. You exercise commands over demonic beings and they have to obey those commands. if you're coming in the authority of Christ. So even when demons lie to you, harass you, which they can harass and lie to Christians, of course, even though those demonic powers are lying to you, harassing you, tormenting you, tempting you, accusing you, they can do all that from the outside. So our battle with demons isn't completely over. When you rebuke them in the name of Jesus, they have to be silent. They have to be quiet in that moment. Why? Because you're exercising authority. So you deal with demonic powers through the authority of Christ. But the emotional and mental issues that come from the lies that we believe sometimes take a season of life to overcome. Demons go instantly. Your flesh, now that's a work in progress. You can drive out devils, but you can't cast you out of you. And so this is where many Christians become confused. They say, wait a minute, I thought I was delivered. Delivered. I thought I was set free. You were, but you have to remember that there's still work to be done on you. And so for me, I went through this season after I was saved, where I did not deal with anxiety or depression for a long time. From the ages of 11 to 13, I remember there was this beautiful season in my life where I prayed 4 to 8 hours a day. Read dozens and dozens of chapters of the Bible. This is when I became a friend of the Holy Spirit. I wrote about this in Carriers of the Glory. This is where I began to develop my fellowship with him, my familiarity with his presence. And out of that 2-year season was birthed a ministry. And then I began to preach at the age of 13. I would preach at youth conferences. And so I preached from 13 all the way in my early 20s. And right around that time, right in that transition, suddenly the anxiety began to come back. Now, this was confusing to me because I thought, wait a minute, the demonic power was broken when I was saved. And that was true. So why then again was I having to battle these issues? What was happening to me? I remember starting to get panic attacks again, and it didn't happen all at once. Like, that's part of what troubled me is I couldn't pinpoint a certain instance in my life and say, oh, that's where it came back. I couldn't pinpoint a certain compromise and say, that's what I did to open the door. No, it just slowly crept in on me. And I'm thinking, okay, how did this happen? How is it possible that I was set free when I was saved, 11 years old, I haven't battled this for years and years and years, and now here I am again, anxious, depressed. I wake up some mornings, go like, why do I feel just this sorrow in my heart? And I could not pinpoint it. Pinpointed. And it was bugging me. I'll just be honest. It was bugging me. And so this went on for several years. In fact, it continued. And here's the truth. It continued even in my earlier years of ministry, in my 20s, my early 20s. I was facing these things in my early 20s. And I'm going, Lord, I feel like a fake. I feel like a hypocrite because I'm seeing you cast devils out. I'm seeing you heal the sick. People are getting saved in this ministry. Believers are receiving the baptism with the Holy Spirit. I'm watching you do miracles through my life. Why am I suffering this way? And then I began to worry because I thought about those, you know, God's generals, as we call them. And I had read about many men and women of God just lost their minds. Why? Not because they were battling necessarily specifically with just some demon, but because they were dealing with some emotional and mental issues that they just couldn't get to the bottom of. So I was frustrated. And this culminates, right? This goes on for years, just this slow simmer of anxiety and depression. I just couldn't figure out why it was back. And I remember it culminated, it peaked, I should say, in one instance. One day I took Jessica out, my Jessica, it was our anniversary. We were newlyweds. And I remember taking her to brunch one Sunday morning. And the plan was that we were gonna go to brunch. We were going to go hiking. It was this whole day that we had filled with plans and we were really looking forward to it. And by the way, that was a really busy season of my life. Things with the ministry had started to finally pick up just enough to where I was busy. And so we were looking forward to this time alone. It was something we both looked forward to because up until that point, we had just been kind of having hit and miss date nights. It was just, You know, we were working out our marriage, newlyweds trying to schedule things and practice consistency, practice date nights and so forth. Well, not that dating is something you practice, but I think you know what I mean. And so I'm sitting there, I'm at brunch with her and we're talking. And I remember looking at her face, she was so happy. I saw it in her eyes. I saw the smile on her face. She was just elated, right? It was me and her, we're having brunch, we're enjoying our meal. It's gonna be a fun— it was a beautiful day. This is when we lived in Southern California. We lived right by the beach, walking distance from the ocean. And so it was just this perfect, it was this perfect day, all set up and ready to go. And so we're having brunch, she's talking to me. I don't remember specifically what she was talking about. It was just casual talk. And all of a sudden, right there, I began to sense a familiar but unwelcome feeling. And I remember saying within myself something like, please not now, please not now. No, no, no, no, no, not right now. This can't be happening right now. It was a panic attack. And it came from nowhere. There was nothing scary happening in our day. I had looked forward to this. And all of a sudden, my vision, right? Tunnel vision begins to blind my peripheral. I began to feel this numbness come over me. My heart was pounding so hard, I could feel my pulse in my neck. My face felt like it went numb. I felt also like this tingling sensation all over. My grip felt weak. My palms began to sweat. And this overwhelming sense of doom and dread came over me. My body began to shake. And then all of a sudden, right there in the middle of brunch, I began to have a full-blown panic attack. Mind you, at this time I'm in ministry. At this time I was traveling. At this time I was seeing miracles. But I had allowed this issue to become so strong in my life that now I'm having a panic attack here on my anniversary, a brunch date with my wife. And I remember telling myself, it's just a panic attack. Don't worry, but in moments like that, reason doesn't really prevail. I want it to be rational, but when you're panicked, you're just not rational, you don't think that way. I remember going up to the waitress, giving her the cash, and I said, listen, I have to leave right now, I'm paying this bill, I'm sure this is enough, keep the change, I gotta go. And I'll never forget this because it was so odd what she did, by the way, the waitress. It was so odd. I didn't know who that waitress was. I had never spoken to her in my life before. We didn't have any conversation that I think that would make her feel comfortable enough to tell me something like this. But she looks me right in the face. And I think it was the Holy Spirit. I truly believe that the Holy Spirit was trying to speak to me through this waitress. I wasn't listening. So the Holy Spirit said, fine, I'll use this waitress to speak to you. And she said it almost like in a motherly way. She looks right at me, she goes, sweetie, you're fine. You're just having a panic attack. She goes, I'm looking at you right now. Your color looks fine. You're okay. And she's trying to assure me, you're okay. And I remember just dismissing it and moving on. And I look back now, I go, that was the Holy Spirit. He wanted me to calm down, but I allowed myself, I chose to let panic win. And it doesn't always feel like a choice, but— Let's just call it for what it is. I chose to let panic win. And my wife and I drove to the emergency room or the urgent care. She drove 'cause I was too, I was just not in a state where I could drive. She drives me to urgent care. We check in, I'm sitting in the waiting room. We're there for quite a while waiting. And I remember just sitting on the chair, slumped forward with my face in my hands and my whole body was shaking. Jess was rubbing my back, not saying anything. She didn't have to say anything. We'd been there before. We knew what this was. And she was just there, just touching my back, letting me know, I'm here. And I remember feeling so embarrassed, so weak, so hypocritical. And I thought, I did it again. I let the panic win. I let the fear win. I let this anxiety swallow me up and I didn't do it. And it ruined the day. I ruined our anniversary day. She was so— and I couldn't get it out of my head. I just kept picturing the smile on her face. I kept picturing that bright look in her eyes. She was enjoying her day and I was selfish enough. Look, you might not wanna hear this, but I'm just telling you like it is. I was selfish enough to give into my fear. All I was thinking about was myself. We didn't need to be seen by the doctor, so we left. We waited for like, I think like 45 minutes, if I remember correctly. We waited for like 45 minutes. I calmed down. I said, this was just a panic attack, let's go home. And we never even saw the doctor. And I felt so defeated. And that's when I determined in my heart, enough is enough. I've got to get ahold of this. I've got to find out what's going on. And during that season, I was having maybe 2 or 3 panic attacks a day. There were times when I would be preaching, guys, I'm gonna get real here. There were times when I would be preaching and I would sense the physical symptoms of a panic attack. Some might say, Brother David, was that a demon? No, it wasn't. Because I was still living clean. I was living in prayer, living in the Word, walking in the Holy Spirit, but I was lacking something very important. And that was the knowledge of the truth. I often tell believers, if you just do the basics, you will walk in freedom. And that's still true. And it would have been true for me had I also walked in the basics, but I was lacking truth. I was lacking the belief in what God had said. You might say, how is that? I'll explain that in a moment. But anyway, so I start to do this search, right? And now I'm really trying to figure this out. Guys, anything and everything you could think of, I tried it and it wasn't working.

working.

As I said before, and I wanna make sure I say this again so it's clear, there's 2 different types of demonic influence. One is possession. That's what the Bible refers to as demonization. That word demonization in the Greek is always and literally a reference to full-on possession. There are no degrees of demonization. If you study it out, I know— It's commonly believed that demonization just means like demonic influence. No, if you study the Greek word, you actually will find that the reason that the translators of the Bible and nearly every translation that you own, the reason they chose the word possessed is because that's precisely what demonization is. Demonization literally means, you can look this up in Strong's, to be possessed by a demon. And there's other, of course, Greek resources that you can use and all the definitions will be consistent on that. So demonic possession, The answer to that is exorcism. And that you perform an exorcism by speaking a simple command in the name of Jesus. And if it truly is a demon and you truly are a believer filled with the Holy Spirit walking in God's authority, that demon has to obey. There's no techniques, no rituals. It's just simple. You command it and that demon has to obey authority. Then there is demonic attack. This is deception. This is torment. Torment may sometimes feel like possession, but it's actually taking place from the outside where they tell you lies. They project images, hallucinations, audible, you know, like maybe you might hear voices and so forth there. That's a lie. They're projecting that from the outside. They're projections, exaggerations of the enemy's power. Deception, the enemy lies to you. Torment. Accusation, constantly bringing up your past. There are so many different attacks that the enemy can do, but it all has to do with deception. They attack you again and again. So demonic possession, the answer is exorcism. The answer to that, and the way you use exorcism, is an exercise of authority. Demonic attack, now we're talking about the born-again believer, that's dealt with by addressing the lies of the enemy and rebuking the liars themselves. But here's the problem. If you believe the lie of the enemy for long enough, eventually you begin to echo that lie. Demons have a voice, and the lies we tell ourselves are the echoes of that voice. So then it works like this. A demon lies to you, lies to you, lies to you, lies to you. You can rebuke that demon. You can say, be silent in the name of Jesus. You can do that. That's— that'll work. That'll get them to be silent. But if you don't address the lies that they left there, if you don't address the mindsets that you developed while being lied to by those demonic beings, you're not gonna be free. You'll be free from the demon, its attack, but you won't be free from the lie. And so demonic deception always results in self-deception. In other words, a demon lies to you for long enough, telling you lies again and again and again and again, eventually you begin to repeat the lies of that demon to yourself. And once you understand these very simple explanations, then things start to make sense. Okay, as a born-again believer, that's why sometimes I feel so heavy. That's why I feel attacked. Yes, it is a demonic attack. But once you've rebuked them and silenced them using the authority of Christ, you have to deal with the emotional and mental problems that are left over from those attacks. that come about as the result of the deception that we believe. So when you believe the deception of the enemy, now you come under a certain mindset. So for me, I had to find the lie that was working on me. I had to find out what is going on, why do I continue to feel what I feel? Why do I continue to have panic attacks? Why do I continue to feel anxious? Well, the answer came for me one day, and it was an unexpected thing. And it actually came to me at the worst time in my life, when God really gave me breakthrough. Breakthrough comes when you know the truth. Freedom comes when you live in the truth. You have your aha, your spiritual epiphany, when you learn of a truth that will set you free. But only when you walk in that truth do you realize, does that freedom become tangible. So this was at a season in my life. My friendships were strained because of my paranoid mind. My marriage, I was a newlywed, so it was a little, it wasn't terrible, but you know, it was in need of some work, definitely. The ministry wasn't doing well by human metrics. In other words, anyone looking at the ministry from the outside in might say, okay, well, it's kind of a small ministry, not really making big impact. You know, no one was really watching the videos. People weren't exactly reading my blogs. My books weren't exactly being spread around the world and so forth. So at least by natural metrics, you wouldn't have deemed the ministry a success. I know we measure our success by our obedience to God, But I'm just painting a picture for you to let you know, I was discouraged. Friendship strained, marriage a little unstable, ministry wasn't going anywhere, didn't seem to be going anywhere. I was afraid I was failing as a husband. I was afraid I was failing as a minister. I was afraid that I wouldn't fulfill my purpose. I was battling with anxiety. I was battling with panic attacks. I was battling with heavy weight of emotional, like depression on me. It was tough. And so I was booked to go preach at a church in North Carolina. And I remember the flight was very early in the morning. This is before I had an assistant who would help book my flights. It was basically whatever flights they booked. And so they booked me on, you know, to save like $20, they booked me at like a 5:00 AM flight or something ridiculous like that. And so I remember the night before just packing. And I remember thinking, What am I doing? I'm just so discouraged. I'm fearful. I'm having panic attacks again. I didn't wanna go to the airport. I definitely didn't wanna wake up that early. And if I'm just being real with you, I didn't feel like preaching either. I just wanted to go to sleep and maybe sleep through that bad season of life. You ever just wanna push the skip button and jump right ahead to where What you think is the ideal situation? Well, that's where I was. I wanted to jump ahead. But you know, that's when the Holy Spirit shows up. And so the morning comes, it's early, I'm tired, I'm physically just drained. I didn't get much sleep 'cause my anxiety didn't allow me to get much sleep. And I remember getting picked up at my house. There was a couple of other ministry team members there. I get picked up at my house, I'm being driven to the airport. It's so early, the sun isn't even out yet. And as we're driving on the freeway, this car from the far left lane begins to cut across several lanes rapidly. The car zooms right in front of us, hits the center divider. We were exiting right when this car came. all the way across to the right, hit the center divider, flipped over onto the ramp that we were already on. There's just one lane. Flipped over onto the ramp and begins to skid. Sparks are flying from the car. It's on its roof. Sparks are flying from the car, hitting our windshield. We are braking. as the car in front of us is skidding. It was like something out of a movie. It was horrible. I remember, to this day, I still can remember the sound, the screeching, the visuals. I looked and I saw the driver of that car being thrown everywhere in his car. Papers flew everywhere. His luggage flew everywhere. And we swerved just in time to miss it. I think we used like the—

The shoulder.

the safety lane to do so. And I remember just being so shaken up by that. I couldn't believe it. It was like a movie right in front of me. And so we call 911, of course, we made sure that this gentleman got help. To this day, I don't know what happened to him. We didn't know him, we weren't family, we weren't friends. So it's not like they would give us an update. I don't know. But I'll tell you this right now, it just did not look good for that individual. I remember just seeing, And I don't need to go into detail. It just did not look good for this person. Now we were early enough still to where we were able to get to the airport. And I remember trying to check in. We've just made it and my hands are shaking. I just, I was so shaken up by this and I was absolutely just swallowed by anxiety. It was one, it was, remember, I had already come to this point where I'm thinking, this is really bad. I'm just not at a good place in life. And then this happens. And I remember thinking, I've never felt this bad. Things have never been this bad for me. I never, I don't remember feeling this hollow, this afraid, this anxious, this hopeless. And I'm just thinking, Holy Spirit, where are you? I mean, I sense you in the meetings when I'm ministering, but like— I need you now. I don't remember much about the flight. I do remember checking into the hotel, going to sleep, and then just waking up the next morning. And I woke up that morning, and I just remember waking up staring at the ceiling in my hotel room. I'm staring at the ceiling, and this may sound like a contradiction, but I'm just telling you what I felt. I felt sorrowful, I felt terrified, I felt hopeless, yet I felt numb. Just like this hollow shell, like there was nothing to it. I had never before felt so bad in my life. I can't remember feeling as bad since. Never before had I felt that bad. And ever since then, I've never felt that way again. It was probably the peak of my anxiety, peak of my panic, peak of the depression, all in one. And so I'm sitting there, I'm lying there, and I'm staring at this ceiling, and I just, I didn't know what to do. I just remember thinking, help me, Holy Spirit. Help me, Holy Spirit. Help me, Holy Spirit. And so this is a little odd because the Holy Spirit had never done anything like this with me before. But the Holy Spirit spoke concerning my entire past. And this is what happened. This is the conversation, something to the effect of this. The Holy Spirit reminded me of when I was a little boy and I would see those demonic beings and hear those demonic voices and feel that demonic attack. And the Holy Spirit Said, do you remember when you were a little boy and you were so terrified because you could see those demonic faces in your wall? Do you remember how you couldn't sleep? Do you remember how you had to have your father place tape on the walls in the places you were seeing those demonic faces? I said, yes, I remember that. And then the Holy Spirit said, and do you remember when you first went to school, kindergarten, and you were afraid of going to school because of how the kids treated you and how you felt unwelcomed, unwanted, rejected, and afraid? I said, yes, Holy Spirit, I remember that. Then the Holy Spirit said, do you remember how you loved going to theme parks with your mom and dad and your brother and sister, and how that was one of the highlights of your childhood? And do you remember how anxiety began to ruin those days? How even in those moments, you had this overwhelming sense that you were going to die? Even as a little boy, going to theme parks with his mom and dad. I said, yes, Holy Spirit, I remember that. And the Holy Spirit began to take me to various phases of my life. And as I began to look, all of my fears, he said, do you remember, do you remember how it took you forever to get your license? You had to do many attempts because your anxiety surrounding the subject of driving was so bad that you just couldn't get your license. I said, yes, Holy Spirit, I remember that, fresh in my memory. And then he took me through my marriage. Remember how you're afraid of failing as a husband? Reminded me of the ministry. Do you remember how you're afraid of failing in ministry? I said, yes, Holy Spirit, I remember. And he went further. Do you remember how, as a teenager, you would hear preaching about hell and the rapture and the end times, and you would always be afraid of being left behind, of being rejected, about being punished, about going to hell, even though you were born again? And I said, yes, Holy Spirit, I remember. By this time, I am just, Like I'm a mess. It was just this constant stream of tears. And then the Holy Spirit asked me a question. People of God, this is gonna sound so simple, but you have to listen to me explain this. Then the Holy Spirit asked me, he said, What are you crying about? Why don't you believe that I love you and that I plan to do good things in your life? And I realized in that moment that all throughout my life, it had been the same lie. When I saw the demons, when I was afraid of the other kids, when I couldn't get my license, when I was afraid of dying, when I was afraid of hell, when I was afraid of the rapture, when I was afraid of the end times, when I was afraid of failing in my marriage, when I was afraid of losing all my friendships, when I was afraid of failing in ministry, all of those fears were based on one lie. That lie, that deception, It came in various forms, various stages of my life. And then I even saw it in the granular, how my mind would just jump to the worst case scenario in every situation, big or small. And I began to see for the first time just how deeply this had affected me. I began to see just how deeply this had gone. I began to see just how detailed this attack was on my life. Things that I thought that I didn't even realize were anxiety, ways that I behaved that I didn't even realize were anxiety. And then I realized it was all that one lie. It was all that one lie that God didn't love me, that God was angry with me.

Amen.

And that he wanted to punish me. That's what I thought. I didn't think it here. It wasn't something I thought about at the forefront of my mind. I had never said that out loud. I had never acknowledged that intellectually. I had never said that or even believed that literally, but deep down in my heart, deep somewhere in the core of me, I believed the lie that God was angry with me and waiting to punish me. There is no fear in love. Perfect love casts out all fear. The lie may take a different form for you. Hear me now, please, because this is so key to your freedom. The lie may take a different form for you, but it's the same thing. If you are afraid, if you are anxious, if you're suffering with panic attacks, you don't believe God really loves you. I know you may not think that intellectually. I know you may not say that, outright and literally, but somewhere deep in the core of who you are is the belief that God doesn't love you and that he's waiting to punish you. That's legalism. Child of God, that's legalism. Legalism that says that you have to perform in order for God to love you. Now, I didn't know that the emotional and mental issues, that those were contributing to the physical manifestation of a panic attack, but they were. And it wasn't until I finally realized, my goodness, it's the same lie. Fear asks, what if? Faith boldly declares, even if.

Even if.

Faith boldly declares even if, because that's how fear works. Begins with the what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if. And then even if you're able to bring your mind back to truth, you start to believe what's right, fear takes you right back. Yeah, that's true, but what if? My friend, once you're made perfect in that love, There is no fear. Once you recognize that the most powerful being who ever existed loves you immensely, that God who has limitless power loves you with an everlasting love, and he intends to do good things in your life. Once you know that and you start to allow that truth to permeate who you are, like actually begin to affect everything about you, my friend, that's when fear begins to lose its power. That's when panic begins to lose its hold. And I wanna talk to you real briefly about panic attacks, because sometimes you'll find that even after you've dealt with the demonic aspect, even after you've dealt with the mental and emotional aspect, that sometimes there's still a physical element that will take time to catch up. This is the analogy I like to use. If I kill a weed at its roots, like I spray the weed killer on my lawn, right? If I kill a weed at its roots, the roots will die before the weed dies. So sometimes when you cut something off at its root by dealing with the demonic aspect and dealing with the emotional and mental aspect, sometimes the physical manifestations of that take a little time to wither. Now, don't hear what I'm not saying. God can set you free and heal you instantly like that, no problem. But you'll find sometimes, and I'm not saying this is gonna be the case with you, but if it is, don't be discouraged. God works in many different ways. Miracles come in many different forms. You can address the root by getting rid of the demonic aspect. You can address the root by getting rid of the emotional and mental aspect. That's a fact, that can happen. But now sometimes, not every time, there's still the physical aspect. Like you may still feel like the panic, the heart pounding, the palms sweating. So here's what I would do. After I dealt with the demonic, after I dealt with the emotional and mental, it took a few weeks to finally get rid of the physical aspect of it. And you're talking to someone who had them on a daily basis, guys, a daily basis panic attacks. It was horrible. It was just no way to live. I never knew when it was okay to drive, when it was okay to go to lunch. It was awful. So here's what I would do. I would, instead of fighting the panic attack, like trying to avoid it, trying to go somewhere else in my mind, I would stop what I was doing. I'd place my hands on a surface. I'm giving you real practical advice here. And I would just allow myself to feel the panic. And I would tell myself something very simple, something like, This feels very scary, but it's not going to hurt me. This feels very scary, but it's not dangerous. Now, your mind will automatically go, but what if this is the one time that I got it wrong and it actually is dangerous? Well, here's the problem with that, is that your mind can always go to worst-case scenario. And it's quite possible that there could be some physical problem, but panic isn't the result of it. Go get checked, okay, of course, do all your due diligence. But when you're dealing with it in the moment, it's okay. When you know it's a panic attack, you say, okay, I'm dealing with the panic now, and just feel the symptoms. I would allow myself to say, okay, that's my heart racing, my palms are sweating, I'm feeling a little dizzy, my body feels numb, so forth, right? And then I would just relax my body. You know that by relaxing your physical body, you're sending a signal to your brain to let it know there's no problem here. When you tense your body like this, or you start hyperventilating, or you start moving like you're in a panic, your brain agrees with you. Yeah, we're in a panic. But if you just, Sit up straight, calm down, relax, untense your body, breathe normally. After a few minutes, your brain's gonna get the idea that you're not actually in any danger. You almost have to trick your brain. Act as if nothing is wrong so your brain can be tricked. And this won't have immediate effect right away, but if you've dealt with the demonic aspect and you've dealt with the emotional and mental aspect, then by doing this, You're actually gonna begin to overcome that. Now there are other techniques, but that's just one I thought I'd leave with you. It worked for me, it may work for you, but so long as you deal with the demonic and the emotional and mental root, you will find that eventually the physical aspect will also fade away.

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