Creating Better Than Perfect Health

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Hey, it's JJ Virgin. And welcome to the JJ Virgin Lifestyle show, where I talk nutrition, exercise, mindset and lifestyle with some of the coolest people in the world. And I give you tips that you can put into fast action to uplevel your health so that you can go out there and live that big life.

You were meant to live.

Now, today's show is super interesting. It's about creating better than perfect health. And it all came about because I was doing a survey with my community.

And what came out of that was.

So fascinating because one of the key things that came out of it is that people were not taking action on their health because they didn't feel like they were worth it or they'd failed so many times in the past, they just lost belief in themselves. So that's why I went out and got the head coach for happiness. That's what Shaquille O' Neal says about Dr. Elizabeth Lombardo. She is on a mission to free people from a counterproductive mindset and to end the stress of perfectionism caused by your own inner critic. And by the way, during this interview, we talk about what it means to be a perfectionist. And if you're listening right now and thinking, I'm not a perfectionist, just wait till she starts throwing a couple things out. She kind of nails me in the interview because she knows me well and she kind of grabbed something out there that showed me that I might have a couple of these perfectionist tendencies. And we all tend to, or a lot of us do. And she's going to show you how you can turn that around. So let me tell you a little bit more about her. You've probably seen her. My gosh, she's been on Dr. Oz, the Today Show, Steve Harvey, CNN, Good Morning America, in Success magazine, a Fast Company, Better homes and gardens, HuffPo, and a bunch of other great publications. She's got a master's degree in Physical therapy and a PhD in psychology, which is really a cool, unique combo. Plus she's got a new book. She's got a number of books, but her new bestseller is Better Than Seven Strategies to Crush your Inner Critic and Create a Life you Love. That helps you if you're suffering from conditional self worth or perfectionism. Again, wait till you take the quiz. You'll hear more about that teaches you how to turn that inner critic's voice down, turn up your self confidence and get the skills you need to flourish in your health, relationships, work and life. Which sounds good, doesn't it? So today's guest again is Dr. Elizabeth Lombardo and let's welcome her to the show. Okay, so let's do it. Dr. Elizabeth Lombardo, welcome to the show. I am so thrilled to have you on today.

Oh, thanks so much for having me.

So let's dive in because, I mean this is something, you know, it's been very interesting. We just did a big deep dive with our community to find out what was really going on with them and weight loss. And it became very clear to us that people who do not feel good about themselves are not going to take good care of themselves. So this topic is so critical to, for everyone. So let's jump into your book and in your book, Better Than 7 Strategies to Crush youh Inner Critic and Create a Life youe Love, you talk about perfectionism. So define that. What is perfectionism?

Yeah, so perfectionism is more than just having a neat junk drawer or a closet that's color coordinated according to, you know, what you hang up. Perfectionism really at its fundamental is an all or nothing perspective. I had one cookie and screwed up my diet. I might as well have the whole plate. I didn't do a good job on this one part of my presentation. And so I'm a failure. My kid messed up and so I'm a failure as a parent. This all or nothing mentality that we tend to have in our health, in our relationships and really in the way that we view ourselves.

Oh, you know, so of course I'm listening to that going, oh, you know, and I'm just wondering if anyone else did the same thing. You know, I'm thinking back, Elizabeth, when my, when my older son was, was 4 and he would take, he was in nursery school and he would draw, you know, do something like doing a connect the dots and, or coloring and he'd color outside the lines. And so we'd throw it away and start over. And they, they called me in and they go, you know, he's coloring outside the lines and when he makes a mistake, he throws it away. And I'm like, what's wrong with that? Isn't that, you know? And so all of a sudden I'm list you're going, oh boy.

I actually paid him.

I gave him like quarters to color outside the lines. But I am wondering maybe he should.

Have given mom some quarters.

Exactly. Mom still needs to get paid to make mistakes here. So I'm betting that there are a lot of people out there who are perfectionists without realizing it. So you know what parts of this may may people not really realize them being perfectionists when they don't think they are.

Yeah. So I have a quiz where people can take to see just how perfectionistic they are. Before, when my book came out, I was on the Today show and about six or seven producers were getting ready for the segment and they all took the quiz and they all vehemently denied that they were perfectionists until they took the quiz. And then they were mad at me because they didn't think they were perfectionists, but they had scored very high. So some of the things that we don't tend to think of as perfectionism are things like I tend to judge myself by what I accomplish if I do something. I was just waiting for that up there.

Yeah. Oh, you know, that was kind of meeny pooh because I know you know me well. So you just had to throw that one out. Wow. Wow.

Facilitating this conversation.

Okay, but let's throw something out. I'm going to throw a curveball at you, missy. What's wrong with being a perfectionist?

Okay, so we can go from what a perfectionist to what's quote, wrong with being a perfectionist? There are some really great things about perfectionism. Now I have studied perfectionism for over four decades because I myself, I mean any, you know, any self help author writes for themselves. So I struggle with perfectionism for a while. And I know you tell a perfectionist it doesn't have to be perfect rationally. They say, of course it doesn't. But deep down they're like, yes, it does. So there's good and there's not so good in perfectionism. I like to think of perfectionism as a chocolate cake. And of course, because you and I are speaking it's a gluten free chocolate cake. But if you think about a chocolate cake, if you're going to make a chocolate cake and you have all the finest ingredients, right. You have cage free eggs from hens that have been massaged daily and you have Swiss chocolate of the finest kind and you mix up all these ingredients and, and then you put in a cup of dirt, mix it up and bake it. Would you eat that cake? And hopefully most people would say, no way. Heck no. That's what perfectionism is. Perfectionism has a lot of great qualities, like striving for excellence, like wanting the best, like wanting to change the world in a positive way, like wanting people to like you and to have people be happy. All of those are positive ingredients. But the dirt imperfectionism is judging your self worth by what you do. Dirt imperfectionism is actually being more fearful of failure and being motivated by not failing than just by kind of being in a place of passion and enjoying the trip. And so that's what we're talking about. We're not saying get rid of striving for excellence. We're not saying go for a C minus. We're saying A and if and when you don't achieve it every time, instead of thinking, oh, that means I'm a failure, use that information so that you can keep striving to be even better.

So is there a cure for this? Like if you, let's say that hypothetically, if someone were listening and they had a lot of the qualities on your quiz, because I can see how there's a benefit here. But it also could be your detriment if you think you could never reach those areas. So you. Is there like a cure? How do you fix this?

There is a cure, and that's what being better than perfect is. So being better than perfect means you still strive for excellence, you still go for what you want, you still try to make this world a better place and all those great things, but you also keep it in perspective. You don't base your worth on your accomplishments. I talk a lot about something called unconditional self worth. In our society, we have conditional self worth. I believe in myself. If, and I'm actually doing an interview with Fast Company, a magazine about this, about this notion of I'll believe in myself if I'll believe in myself If I lose 10 pounds, or if I make this much money, or if I get married, or if I get divorced, then I'll believe in myself. And it's these external events. And when you base your worth on external events or how people react to you, you're constantly relying on other people as opposed to basing your worth on unconditional self worth. Your values, who you are, your strengths, your passion.

Wow. And again, this is so big because what you don't know coming into this interview is literally when we did this deep dive into our community, we found out that the biggest thing they got as they went through the programs was a better sense of self worth. But when you really look at it, they actually needed to start there and then do the program. And that was our big realization is if you believe that you are worthy, and that's why so many people did not take action. They didn't believe they were worth it, which just killed. It breaks my heart. But if you start from, I'm perfect right now, right? Like, I am absolutely created. I'm magnificent. I'm worth it, you'll treat yourself differently. You won't beat yourself up over little things. And this is what I'm hearing you say, and it's what we just kind of realized that was the starting point for success on a program is starting first with I'm worth it, then deciding what your goals were. Because what happens with so many of our goals is the goals are starting from a point of I'm not good enough, so I have to do this goal to get good enough. It's a reverse engineer. This is so awesome. And you didn't even know jj.

The thing is, I have to do this goal so that I'll feel worth enough. And then if I don't achieve the goal to 100% as standard, then the thinking goes to see, I'm not worthy enough. See, I can't do it. And it's self worth. And it's also this thing called self efficacy, which means you believe that you can make positive changes. A lot of times when people have, for example, been on diet after diet or exercise regimen after exercise regimen, and it hasn't worked in the long term, they develop this belief of, I can't do this. Other people can, but I can't. And that self worth and that self efficacy or belief that you can make a positive change at any time, regardless of your past, that both of those are key.

Yeah, that is huge. Because that's what I see. So many people walking and they failed so many times that they've lost complete faith in themselves, which is so upsetting. So beyond the obvious of if you don't feel good enough about yourself, you don't tend to take care of yourself. How does this impact our health? How does perfectionism affect our health? And what, from your perspective, can you do to get healthier?

So again, I had one cookie and messed up my diet. I might as well have the whole plate now. Most of us, when we're rationally thinking, realize that that makes no sense. And yet probably all of us can relate to something like that. I don't have time to exercise for an hour, so I can't work. Who has time for 30 minutes of meditation, please? I don't have time for that. It's that all or nothing mentality. But here's the thing. Five deep breaths is better than nothing. So if you don't have time for 30 minutes of meditation, do you have time for five deep breaths? I bet you do. That's better than perfect. You don't have time to work out for 45 minutes, or you can't afford a gym to go to, or your knees aren't good so you can't go running. Maybe that's the perfection way of working out. But how about walking around the block once? It's better than perfect. If you have one cookie and mess up your diet, my recommendation to you is you savor each and every bite of that cookie instead of feeling the guilt and the shame and not even enjoying it. One cookie instead of the whole plate is better than perfect. So really looking at what can you do? Given your lifestyle, given who you are, given your past and your experiences, what can you do? What's one step that you can take that's in the right direction?

So if people start taking those steps, but they. They do something along the way and they slip up, you know, a lot of people don't even start because they're so afraid of failing completely. Right.

Or.

But they do start and then they fail. And I know that you have a different perspective. You kind of mentioned it before, but I felt like it kind of slid under the radar and it really needs to be, like, amplified. So what's your take on failure? How do people redefine this?

Yes. So first of all, in psychology, when we look at stages of change or people changing, there's seven stages, and one of them is relapse. It's a totally normal part of change. The way I view it is, it's not failure, it's data. It's not failure, it's data. If you, I don't know, say you chose to be gluten free and then you ate something with gluten in it, instead of beating yourself up and saying, see, I can't do this. This is too hard. I'm a failure, you say, okay, wait, what happened? So I had a client the other day who was going through this, and she was beating herself up. I'm no good, I'm a loser. I'm Always going to be like this. And I said, well, wait a minute. What were the ingredients that went into you eating? Gluten? And she stopped and she said, well, you know what? I hadn't planned ahead for my eating, and I was so hungry that I just kind of lost the ability to control myself, and I just ate everything. So the data was pack snacks, bring lunch with her so that she didn't have to have that time or that experience. So when you use your quote, failure, as simply information, then it actually is really beneficial to you.

Now, I love these words that you've put out here. And you've got this. You've got this one word. You know, because I always look at. There's a lot of things I've noticed that I had picked up his bad habits, and I actually used to walk around with a rubber band on my wrist, and if those came out of my mouth, I would snap it and say, cancel, cancel. But, you know, this might be one of those words, as you say that there's one word that generates guilt and shame and anger and resentment. So this sounds like a cancel, cancel word. What is it?

My word. That if you got out of your vocabulary, your stress would go down. Your guilt, your shame, your anger, your resentment. That's really powerful. And here's the thing. It's a word that I would bet most people use multiple times a day and often without even realizing it. And the word almost needs to drum roll.

Okay, here we go. Let's drumroll it.

Okay.

The word is should. I should. I should eat more healthy. I should exercise. I should go to bed earlier.

All right, but what. So instead of saying that, what do you say? Like, give us a shift.

So what do we do? What do we. Let me tell you about a client I had who her homework assignment was. She was going to work out three times during the week that between our sessions and just like cramming for an exam the night before, she was about to come into session and she realized she hadn't done any of those workouts, and she started shoulding all over herself. You know, I should actually.

She should it all over herself.

She shoulding. Shoulding all over herself. Or it's like, we also call it using, using should or must. And in psychology, we call that musturbation.

Right?

Do not engage in masturbation. And stop shooting on yourself. She was shooting all over herself. I should have worked out then. I should have worked out then. What's wrong with me? And instead of going to the gym right then and there, she sat down and had an emergency therapy session with those famous therapists, Ben and Jerry. She literally started eating ice cream because that word, should, she felt such guilt and such shame for not doing it. So what's the counter that? Simply change the word should to would. Like. When you use the word should, you're in a place of fear, you're in a place of judgment, you're in a place of negative energy. When you shift over to something as simple as I would like, then instead of being in judgment, you're in this place of curiosity, you're in this place of passion, you're in this place of problem solving. And how can I make this happen?

Well, you know what, Elizabeth? There's something even bigger. I'm thinking about some of the things that I think I should do, but I don't necessarily like them. So maybe I wouldn't do them at all. If I go to, I would like to do this, I thought, no, I don't want to do that. Forget it. It's not happening.

So. But sometimes it's not really. I would like to do that, but I would like the benefits of that.

Ah, okay. That's a good one.

So you know, when you think of exercise, you know, I would never say I would like to exercise, but what would be good if you did you think about how something like exercises affects your emotional health. Research overwhelmingly shows it reduces stress, it decreases depression, it helps with anxiety, it helps you have better self confidence even if your body isn't changing just the act of exercise. Obviously, exercise affects your physical health in many positive ways. Exercise helps you sleep better at night. It's a very powerful thing. So if when you think about exercise instead of shooting on yourself, you think of the benefits, then you're a lot more likely to do it.

Love it. Okay, so here's what I want everyone to do. And I mean, first off, this was awesome and I'm so appreciative of you being with us today. But I want to remind everyone listening, like, go take the quiz. I love this quiz. Again, it was. I've got this. Right, right. Better than perfect. Quiz.com Correct. Awesome. So go take Dr. Elizabeth Elizabeth Quiz. See, I'm doing that just because I don't want to be perfect.

Better than perfect with.

So I'm better than perfect. And yeah, get the book Better than Perfect. Seven Steps to Crush yous Inner Critic and Create a life you Love. And I just want to thank you so much for joining us today. Dr. Elizabeth. You are awesome now.

So much.

You're so welcome. After the Break. I'm going to be answering a listener's question, so be sure to stick with me.

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Welcome back. This is the time where I answer a listener's question. And today's question comes up a lot. So I thought I would dial you in and let you hear it for yourself.

I would like to know. I had boiled chicken and with some celery and carrots, and it really bothered me. So I was wondering if there's anything in that that doesn't work with your diet. Thank you.

All right, so couple things to consider here. First off, you can become intolerant to just about anything, and it's always going to be protein sources you're going to be more likely to get intolerant to. It's the protein in the food you react to, not the fat part of it. But you can get intolerant to anything. Now, the virgin diet was created based on the top foods that I saw people reacting to, either due to hormonal issues, immune responses, both delayed and immediate, and through genetics. But again, what I did was take the biggest ones I saw over and over and over again when I looked at hundreds of tests and talked to other doctors. So compilation of thousands and. And those were the key ones. But what I tell people to do is go through that program, and then if you find you are still having issues, you can do a couple different things. Number one, you can do a food sensitivity test called an IgG test. It's either done through a blood draw or blood spot, and it can look for the outliers like chicken or lamb or rice, other things that you may be reactive to. Now, one of the things you need to know is that if you're reacting to a lot of different foods, that is a sign quite often. First, it's a sign that your gut's very permeable and you need to repair it. But secondly, it also could be a sign that you've got a lot of toxicity that you're not detoxifying well, and that's creating that gut issue for you. So that's one thing if you're feeling sick when you're eating. Another thing to look at is your digestion. Are you taking time to eat? Are you limiting fluids during your meal? Are you chewing a lot? Because you want to increase the. The surface area so your digestive juices have something to work on. And then do you have sufficient digestive juices? Do you have sufficient, especially hydrochloric acid in your stomach to break down that protein? Because if you don't, then you'll feel. You won't feel so good afterwards. You feel like kind of like a snake who ate a large rodent. So there's a couple other things. You know, obviously, one could be that you are reacting to the chicken. Unlikely it's the celery or the carrots. Carrots. Or it could be that the celery and carrots. Maybe you have an issue right now with irritable bowel and you're having trouble with raw vegetables. So there are a couple different things that could be going on here. And my advice is to start with the easiest one, which is to make sure that you are creating great meal times, where you take time with your food, you slow it down, you chew, you limit your fluids, and you try the digestive enzyme with some enzymes that help you digest protein better. And then betaine's one great one there. And then if that doesn't do it, work, especially with a functional medicine doctor, do an IGG test. You can also do a great stool analysis and see what else is going on there. All right, if you'd like to submit a question, just go to jjvirgin.com ask and you can leave a voicemail for me. I can't wait to hear from you. And one more way, I'd love to hear from you. I would hugely appreciate it if you could jump on Stitcher or itunes and leave a review for me. It helps a bunch. And be sure to subscribe and share the show with your friends. This is JJ Virgin signing off and reminding you that you are worthy. Dare to live a life that matters. Foreign.

Hello listeners, this is Anne Bogle, author, blogger and creator of the podcast what Should I Read next? Since 2016, I've been helping readers bring more joy and delight into their reading lives. Every week, I tag all things books and reading with a guest and guide them in discovering their next reading. They share three books they love, one book they don't, and what they've been reading lately, and I recommend three titles they may enjoy reading Next. Guests have said our conversations are like therapy, troubleshooting issues that have plagued their reading lives for years, and possibly the rest of their lives as well. And, of course, recommending books that meet the moment. Whether they are looking for deep introspection to spur or encourage a life change, or a frothy page turner to help them escape the stresses of work, school, everything, you'll learn something about yourself as a reader, and you'll definitely walk away confident to choose your next read, with a whole list of new books and authors to try. So join us each Tuesday for what Should I Read Next? Subscribe now wherever you're listening to this podcast and visit our website what Should I read next podcast.com to find out more.