How to Build Emotional Strength with Dr. Joan Rosenberg

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Some people think nature is like this, but actually it's like this. That's why Columbia engineers everything we need make for anything nature can throw at you. Columbia engineered for whatever. Welcome to the JJ Virgin Lifestyle show with celebrity nutrition expert, fitness hall of famer, and four time New York Times best selling author, JJ Virgin. JJ is a warrior mom whose knowledge and expertise have helped change hundreds of thousands of lives. With over 3.5 million podcast downloads and appearances on Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz, the Today Show, Rachael Ray, Larry King, Love.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. This show is about you, not about me. I want to help you find practical, real world ways to dial in your health and mindset so you can finally lose that weight and feel strong and energized. Stop settling for less than your personal best. It's time to find out how to look and feel better than ever. And I'll be right here with you the whole way. Hey, it's JJ and when I found out that my son Grant had been the victim of a hit and run and left dead in the street, and then he was airlifted to the first hospital and then airlifted to harbor ucla, I put an SOS out to my, to my community and to my friends. And one of the people who showed up and kept showing up repeatedly over months was Dr. Joan Rosenberg. And she would just come, she would just sit with me and just her mere presence, I was like, just calmed me down. I was like, oh my gosh. I felt like she was my security blanket. And I just feel so fortunate to have Joan in my life. She also, I pulled her into my miracle Mindset academy. When I was launching Miracle Mindset that is now the warrior mom book, because I wanted her to teach these strategies that she teaches and what you're going to hear in this interview. She is such a different approach to emotional strength, to confidence, to especially fear and anxiety, a totally different way to think of these things and really a simple process that you can walk through so that you can have more emotional strength, so you can build more resilience, so that you can handle anything. And that is what I brought her into the Miracle Mindset Academy to teach. And she's finally written the book on it. I was like, we gotta write the book, Joan. Gotta write the book. She's the author of the book 90 seconds to the life you love and 90 seconds to a life you love. How to master your difficult feelings to cultivate lasting confidence Resilient and authenticity. So let me tell you a little bit about Joan. I actually met her at, met her at a Brendan Burchard event and stalked her. I admit it, I really did. I kind of stalked her around because I just, she had such good energy. You know, some people that just vibrate at a different level. Joan is one of those people. And so I met her there. She, I remember at the time she was working on a brand, emotional Pilates. I was like, that is the coolest thing. She's a cutting edge psychologist. She's a speaker and a trainer. She's actually a two time TEDx speaker and a member of the association of Transformational Leadership. She is a professor of graduate psychology at Pepperdine University. And I didn't know this about her. She's a United States Air Force veteran and she's just a super awesome friend. So I love this interview that we did. There are some, some tools you can put into immediate use here. You will want to definitely go to jjvirgin.com forward/90 seconds and that's 90 seconds. So the numbers in the word 90 seconds. And you are going to be able to download her free gift. So before we dive in, I want to do a shout out and I gotta tell you, we love your reviews. Thank you, thank you, thank you so much. If you've left a review because the whole team reads them makes such a difference and besides us reading them, I know that there's like podcasts all over the place, people to go, should I listen to this? So your, your reviews help a ton. This one says informative, exclamation point, five stars. And it's by Julie with a K. Okay, Julie with a K. Where's the K go? Julie with the K. And she says, I truly enjoy listening to JJ Virgin lifestyle show because it's not only informative but also short and sweet. I love her straightforward attitude. Well, thank you very much. I actually, we were all sitting around one day trying to figure out my, my attitude and I, I think one of the important things is to really just be who you are and just, especially when you're doing anything, audio, video, speaking, just turn up the volume a bit. But the bottom line is I know my mom growing up also, I was like, soften up, you know, I'm like, I can't be. I'm tough love with love. Like I totally want to see you take charge of your health, be your own health detective. You know, show up stronger and I know you've got it in you. And so sometimes I might like push you a bit. And so that's tough love with love. That's my straightforward attitude. So thank you so much, Julie K. For that and I super appreciate you jumping in there and leaving a review and hopeful I can feature you next time. Dr. Joan Rosenberg. Welcome back my friend. So happy to have you here.

Thank you so much.

Excited because this book that we are going to be kind of giving, pulling back the curtain and giving people a sneak peek on 90 seconds to a life you love. How to master your difficult feelings, to cultivate lasting confidence, resilience and, and authenticity. It's been a long time coming, my friend.

Yes, it has. No kidding. This is, this has been a 10 year journey actually.

Yes, well, I saw the power of all of that you do firsthand because I brought you in as one of the instructors into my miracle mindset academy and you taught this 90 second approach and blew people away. So I can vouch for personally and then with thousands of people what I've seen with your work. So let's dive in first about confidence and because a lot of things you're talking about confidence, resilience, they get kind of bandied around. But I'm not even sure people fully understand what they, what it means, you know, how do you know if you're feeling confident? So let's start first with confidence. So what really is confidence? And then you know, is it something that you can develop? Is it something like you have an issue because of your childhood, like what's going on there?

You know what? To me, confidence develops when you have the deep sense that you can handle the emotional outcome of whatever you pursue. And what I realized actually across writing the book, JJ is that, is that it's an embodied sense. You do something so often or you speak so much and develop confidence that way or you, you take actions and develop confidence in that regard as well. And the more you do it, the more it actually becomes a deep felt sense in your body. So I think of it as someone's. The experience both in the body of I can do this as well as the belief that I can do this and then people can go after whatever they want.

You have an afford a formula. I love formulas.

Yes.

I'm a total left brain person.

Yes.

And you, I remember when we first met you had a BR brand called Emotional Pilates, which I thought was just a very cool name for this whole idea that kind of like we can take our self confidence, we can take our emotional health to the, to the gym basically. Right. You know, so can you Give us a little idea. Now, I'm sure the formula, you walk them, walk us all through it in the book. But can you tell us a little bit about this formula you have created to do this?

Absolutely. And so to also answer the first part of your question is this is totally learnable. There isn't a thing about confidence or resilience, the quality of bouncing back that isn't learnable. It's all learnable. So for me, the approach comes down to the base of it really is being able to handle the unpleasant feeling, outcome of things not turning out the way you want. So the formula for handling unpleasant feelings or difficult feelings is this idea of one choice, eight feelings, 90 seconds. So let me walk you through it. The one choice is the choice to stay aware of and in touch with your feelings rather than avoid them. That's the most important thing. It's being aware. You're going to choose awareness as opposed to avoidance. The second are the eight feelings. And I've spent more than four decades in the field of psychology, and what I've come down to in all my work with people is that if they can just handle eight unpleasant feelings, they can. Again, same thing. They can go pursue whatever they want. And the eight feelings.

You make this sound so simple.

But it, but it's, you know.

Really.

Comes down to, I hate it. It, unbelievably, it comes down to this simplicity.

Good, that's. That's fantastic. You know, people spend years in therapy and it's like, okay, well, you just need to be able to handle these eight unpleasant. And I remember you telling me they don't last long.

So let's go through, okay, their sadness, shame, helplessness, anger, vulnerability, embarrassment, disappointment and frustration. And if you stop and think about it, those are the most common reactions to things not turning out the way we want.

And are there some that are more difficult to tolerate than others, or is it individual?

That's. That's totally individualized. So let's say, I mean, early on I, I realized I didn't want to get totally invested in my high school, you know, football team's winnings. And what I realized is I didn't want to feel disappointed. But then that I looked at how that carried across the rest of my life too. And it's like, oh, disappointment at that time was hard for me. So it could be different for different people. That depends on their life history entirely.

And how do you, like, how do you know how to identify what you're feeling?

Because you feel it in your body. Now, this is the whole beauty of the whole approach. And that takes us to the 90 seconds. What people don't understand is that we generally experience feelings in our body first. So. And then. And then, you know, the feelings travel faster than thoughts do, or bodily sensations travel faster than thoughts do. So once we have the awareness of the bodily sensation, then we tend to give it a name. So then, you know, it's like I feel my face gets red. Oh. Then I'm realizing, like, in a microsecond or a nanosecond, I realize I'm embarrassed. Or I feel butterflies in my stomach, and then I give that a name. Or I feel heaviness at my heart, and I realize I'm sad. So that's how we kind of know it. So it's when a feeling fires off, we feel this kind of wave or rush of biochemicals in our body, and that's what activates those bodily sensations. But the beauty of it is all those biochemicals flush out of our bloodstream in roughly 90 seconds. So that it's. And the kicker here. And this is the. Where the Simplicity comes in, J.J. it's not that people don't want to feel unpleasant feelings. They don't want to feel the bodily sensation that lets them know what they're feeling emotionally.

Well, really, if you didn't have the bodily sensation, you may not even be aware you're feeling it. Right.

Exactly. Exactly. So when people try to. When people hold their breath or they. They tighten up or they swallow hard, what they're trying to do is they're trying to shut out the bodily experience of the feeling. So, and. But. But if you know that these feelings, this feeling quality kind of comes in waves, and all you have to do is ride the wave of the bodily sensation, and then you can handle the feeling. Then it's like no brainer. You can. Most people go 90 seconds. I can do 90 seconds.

And is it just once, 90 seconds and you're done with it? Or does this like. No.

And it's not just one time. So here's the kicker here on this. It's understanding that the feeling waves may come. It's more than one. So think of it as one or more.

It's like going to the gym and doing multiple sets.

Exactly. Exactly.

Perfect.

Perfect analogy. The.

Or.

Perfect parallel. And then the second part of it is, anytime you. You are have to face an unpleasant feeling at any point in your life, across life, it's gonna. You're gonna happen. This is gonna happen repeatedly. So it just have in mind that you need to deal with eight feelings repeatedly through this 90s, just tolerating 90 second waves of feelings.

So once you start doing it though, it probably gets, I mean, I know for myself, but I'm assuming for everybody, it just gets easier and easier and easier.

Absolutely, absolutely. Because now what you're doing is you're having the experience that you can make your way through it. And even if you stop and think and go, you know, most of the people listening to this are going to be adults, so no doubt they've already faced embarrassments and disappointments and frustrations and sadness. And so if you even just tell yourself that I've already been through this and I'm here, I'm doing just fine, then they already know they have the capacity to do it because they've already dealt with it.

Well, where does fear fit into all this?

Oh, I love that question. Fear is danger in the moment right now. And most people misuse the word. So if I say I'm afraid of public speaking or I fear public speaking, it's not that you fear public speaking, it's actually that you fear vulnerability. You fear getting hurt or actually I would take the word away. You don't fear it because you're not in danger. So the word fear should just be reserved for the times when there's genuine life threat or danger.

So we really overuse fear.

Totally. And the same thing with things you're.

In public speaking like your life is not in danger. You're probably concerned about embarrassment.

Exactly. Embarrassment and vulnerability. Yes, absolutely.

So we're just so a lot of fear, it sounds like, is just misdirection.

Totally agree. Yes, that's the way I would claim it. In fact, I talk about that in the 90 seconds book. I differentiate between fear and anxiety and, and anxiety is also overused and misused. And instead I think people ought to be using the words like vulnerability or embarrassment. Because vulnerability, the way I define vulnerability in the book is that it's an openness when we choose into vulnerability, because there's a vulnerability that we don't choose into when we all experience it. So the whole notion of vulnerability is we could be hurt, right? Then there's vulnerability that we choose into. So when I want to make a deeper connection with a friend and I say I like you or I love you, or I want to spend more time with you, that's being vulnerable. Or if I put myself in a situation to do public speaking or I want to go pursue becoming a top athlete, I'm going to face disappointments and Those kinds of things. But I'm choosing into vulnerability. Even playing charades in front of a. Is vulnerability. You're choosing into vulnerability. So what. What you're basically saying there is. I'm open to. To being heard. There's an openness and willingness to be hurt or to learn.

And I would imagine every time you put yourself into a vulnerable situation, you go, ah, wow, that was not. That was not a big challenge. You let yourself feel it. Then you're like, oh, I can you. You put yourself into. Increasingly more vulnerable. Sit. Right, sure.

Yeah, absolutely.

And.

And. And so here's the secret key on that one, jj. So this is. This is total giveaway for you. The way you handle vulnerability is to be able to handle the other seven feelings.

And I would imagine for each of these things, like, I'm looking at these seven, these eight feelings, I would imagine everybody has their kind of their kryptonite feeling.

Absolutely. Absolutely, yes. And again, that's going to be based on life history.

Yeah, very interesting. Now, what about anxiety? Because you touched on anxiety and you said fear is not. We've already kind of now debunked what fear really is. But what about anxiety?

Okay, Anxiety is diffuse apprehension of the future. So I'm thinking about the future, and I'm concerned that something bad is going to happen and things aren't going to. Again, things are not going to turn out well for me. So then. So fear is danger in the moment. Right now, anxiety is diffuse apprehension in the future. But I actually think that is much more tied to feeling vulnerable. So I stop using the word anxiety as well. So, like, when I'm going to go out and do a speech or something, then what I will tell myself is, oh, okay, I'm feeling vulnerable. Why? Because I want to do well. I want to serve people and that kind of thing. And if it doesn't go well, what's the outcome? I might be disappointed. I might be embarrassed. So I already know that I can handle it. So the first thing to do is to start using different words to handle anxiety. Call it what it really is, and most times, it's going to be vulnerability. If it's not vulnerability, then it's likely to be one or more of the other seven feelings. There are times, for instance, so I think of it then as a cover. Anxiety is really a cover for eight unpleasant feelings.

Now let's move over to resilience.

Okay, sure.

Is resilience just building the ability to handle higher and higher levels of these feelings?

What is resilience?

You can think of it that way. Resilience. Simply put, resilience is like the ability to bounce back. And to me it's a combo of belief and attitude and being able to handle again the unpleasant feelings. And belief's also a big part. I mean I don't want to say that the eight feelings are like the panacea or whatever. It's the eight feelings. And you also have to have a mind that is forward moving and positive thinking because the negative thinking is again I've discerned what that is as well. But the native. So you've got to really work on your mindset in terms of the negative thinking as well and have the right beliefs. So you want to be able to do things like understand that change is the constant. So you want to be flexible in the face of change. That's a bounce back attitude or you want to approach life from a curious and an open stance as opposed to always anticipating the negative. That's a bounce. Again, the being curious and open is a bounce back attitude or you're willing to learn from every experience you go through. It's a bounce back belief or attitude. Being willing to ask for help. That's a bounce back attitude or an action in this case. Or things like believing in something bigger than yourself or faith or doing good for others. There's so many, there's so many attitudes that one can adopt. I think I actually that there's put 20 or 25 different kind of attitudes that you can hold or actions you can take to develop more resilience and same thing. Just like, just like confidence is learnable, so is resilience.

Well, so how do you know which. Like just. It seems like for a lot of these things there's probably within like those eight feelings and all those different attitudes. There's ones where you're strong and ones where you could develop more. Is there a way to. To know which. Where you need to do some work?

Yeah. Again the. I think what ends up happening is that again there's. If you. I'm. What I've done is I've actually provided lists for people. So I. The thing is to go through those lists and then. And then to be able to tell the ones you're weak in you just choose into that. And my thing is you think of it as developing a skill over time. Each attitude you can think of as a. As a separate skill. And. And it just is in. To use your rep, your kind of muscle rep in the gym idea. You go in and you keep practicing it so you don't just exercise the attitude once, or you don't just exercise with your muscles once. You're doing it multiple times a week and you're doing multiple repetitions. So it's the same for developing these kind of attitudes or beliefs.

So learning to handle these eight feelings and then amplifying these attitudes, is that the formula really for developing emotional strength?

That's part of it. I would. Yes. The unpleasant feeling part in particular is one major piece of it. So what I've taken to doing here is also redefining the idea of emotional strength. And I have two words for it. One is feeling capable, and then the other is being resourceful. The whole idea of feeling capable is tied to dealing with the eight unpleasant feelings. So that is a big part of it. And what I realized over time, seeing all these clients was that someone didn't feel capable in the world until they felt like they could manage or handle unpleasant feelings. That's the first part. The being resourceful part basically is feeling comfortable with leaning on others, being dependent. Most of us don't like to be dependent and we're taught not to. If we get cool with leaning on others, then what we're able to do is to acknowledge our needs and limitations, which allows us to ask for help, which means that asking for help is put squarely in emotional strength.

Wow.

And then the third part of that is to just receive graciously.

So as you can tell by listening, there's. You've really thought this through and a lot of the stuff that you're talking about is kind of a. A switch to what's normally kind of bandied about, which honestly keeps people stuck. Like the whole. The fear, the anxiety, all that stuff. I feel like your new definition of it, how these things are allows people to really see that's kind of simple to break through once you have these tools. So I love that and I know you have a gift for everybody. I do listening. So I'm going to encourage everybody. We'll of course have the show in the show links, we'll have how to grab the book. You're going to want to definitely get the book 90 seconds to a life you love. But you can get started immediately at jjvirgin.com forward/90 seconds. And I put made it N. No, I'm going to make it nine zero seconds. So I'm not spelling it out. Nine zero seconds. Tell us what you're giving everybody.

It's an ebook that is release your anxiety. It's best practices for dealing with anxiety, which actually it's A taste of what's in the 90 seconds book. And the whole book, the Release youe Anxiety ebook as well as the 90 seconds book is chock full of strategies for people to up level their life. And and it's just as simple as everything we've been talking about today.

Awesome. And this stuff is simple. It's just so different than what's out there. Which is crazy because when you explain, you go, oh, huh. That makes sense. You know, Right?

Exactly.

But again, I want to remind everyone. So JJ, virgin.com forward/90 seconds for 90 seconds. The book is 90 seconds to a life you love. You're going to want to grab that. And how to master your difficult feelings to cultivate lasting confidence, resilience and authenticity. You can get the Ease youe Anxiety ebook free again. Jjbirgen.com 90 seconds and Dr. Joan, thank you so much for taking time with us today. Super appreciate you jj.

I'm so grateful. Thank you for having me.

Yes. Now, after the break, I'll be answering a listener's questions, so stay with me.

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Welcome back. This is the time where I answer a listener's question. And I don't know if you know this or not. I don't know how long you've been around the community, but I did a little kind of diversion last year and I wrote a book and we published it as Miracle Mindset. We did a documentary for public television called you'd're Stronger Than youn Think. We'll put in the show notes because you can watch that. The premiere that. Well, now it's no longer the premiere. You can watch it for free and we'll give you the links to that. And then I brought the book back out, actually retitled it Warrior mom because it just felt like the right title. Seven lessons to strong, bold resilience. And something Dr. Jones said in this interview just made me think of a question that got had gotten brought up because one of the things that got brought up so often over the last five years of going through this situation with my son where he nearly died. He had 13 fractures at torn aorta, multiple brain bleeds and was in a deep coma and then coming out of a serious traumatic brain injury was. And at the same time, I was running a business because I'm the primary financial support for my family and launching a New York Times bestseller. And people were like, what? You know, and I could never do that is what I kept hearing. And what I really learned from that was that you are so much stronger than you think. And I actually believe we haul, you know, we all have it in us. And when, you know, you're called to show up at that level, guess what? But one of the things that Dr. Jones said today remind me of, you know, just a way to answer a question that has come up time and time again, most recently by Teresa on Instagram, like, how did you make it through that difficult time? You know, I mentioned at the beginning of the show that Dr. Joan came and sat with me in the hospital at a couple other people. Dr. Ann Meyers, Dr. Suzanne Bennett, Dr. Hylacast, that just kept showing up and showing up. Dr. Grace Sue, I mean, they just kept showing up. And the reason they showed up was I put an SOS out to my entire community. First of all, the reason they showed up is they're awesome humans. They inspire me to be better, a better human being. But they wouldn't have known about it if I hadn't have put an SOS out into my community and said, this is what's going on, and I don't need your sympathy. I need your support. Any ideas you have, anything that you know that could help my son. And people just started showing up. Now, I will share with you candidly that I had never been one to ask for help prior to that. I always felt like it was a sign of weakness. Now I'm wondering, listening to Dr. Jones feelings as I just, you know, was I afraid of the disappointment? Was I afraid of being vulnerable? Was I afraid of, you know, being helpless? What. What was really going on there was. But when your son's life's on the line, you do a lot of things you wouldn't normally do. And what I found from this, and then really looked in my own life is what gives me the most joy in my life is helping others, is lifting other people up, is supporting other people. So is it really fair to not let other people do that for me? Right? I mean, it just. It's. It doesn't make any sense. And it's not like you go and help someone, you go, now, they owe me. No, no, no, no, no. It's more like karma in the universe is that you go out and you see how you can help other people, knowing that when things go. Go sideways for you, you ask for help, too. It can be as simple as, like, I just had a big New Year's Eve and New Year's Day party, and I looked at the whole situation. I just had surgery two weeks prior. I think I might have been crazy of 40 people coming over, and I'm like, huh, I'm gonna need some help. And I had everybody help, like, every. All the partygoers pitched in, and we had just the most amazing time because everyone, you know, you support what you create. Everybody felt like they brought something. Turns out that when you really look at tribes, everyone in the tribe has a role. Everyone's doing something. So I just. The big takeaway for today is if you're concerned that asking for help is a sign of, like, helplessness or vulnerability or someone will let you down, really encourage you to start. To start this one it and start asking for help, you will be amazed at who shows up, and you'll also be amazed at just the amazing support you have out there and how great it makes other people feel to help you. Okay, I know that's a little bit different than our usual topics. I didn't tell you to put down the cookies. Well, I'll tell you that too. But anyway, if you have not yet subscribed, I do not want you to miss any of this goodness, so make sure that you subscribe while you're there. If you can share these episodes with friends who you know, this will help. That's awesome and I will see you next time.

Bye.

That's all for this episode of the JJ Virgin Lifestyle show, which marks another step towards a healthier body and mind. Don't forget to rate, review and subscribe to the show and we'll talk to you next week.

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