Survival Skills for an Empath with Judith Orloff

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Oh, today's show is a trip. You know when you're interviewing someone and you think that you are not a certain way and then you find out in the middle of the interview that you're totally wrong. That's what happened today with this interview. And we are going to be talking about empathy today and what it means to be an empath, how you can protect yourself if you are an empath, why it's so awesome to be one and what you want to do to really develop more empathy and how that can really help the world. And there's a big surprise kind of a little bit into the interview. I'm not going to tell you any more than that, but I am going to tell you about today's guest because this is someone I've been following for a long time and it's always fun when you get to interview your heroes. My guest is Dr. Judith Orloff, a New York Times best selling author and she has this new book out, the Empath's Survival Guide, Life Strategies for Sensitive People. So she, she's just super cool. She combines the wisdom of conventional medicine with spirituality, energy medicine and intuition. She's been all over the media, O Magazine, USA Today, and on pbs, NPR and cnn. And she also teaches. And she'll be teaching actually, depending on when this podcast, when you listen to this podcast in July, she's going to be teaching at Esalon if you want to jump on in there and you can learn more about her speaking schedule and more about her@judithorloff.com and that's o r l o f f dot com. All right, so again today we're going to be talking about what it means to be an empath with Dr. Judith Orloff. All right, let's do it. Dr. Judith Orloff, welcome to the show. I'm so glad you're here with me today.

Thank you. I'M excited to speak to you.

This is a super interesting topic and book your new book, the Empath Survival Guide, Life Strategies for Sensitive People. And, you know, I just have to dive in first and say, and ask the obvious question, what's an empath? And how do you know if you are one?

Good question. Well, I'm a psychiatrist in la. I'm also an empath. And so one of the reasons I wrote this book was to share some of the strategies that I use in my own life to protect my energy so I'm not burnt out. But an empath is an emotional sponge. It's somebody who's sensitive and takes on other people's stuff, their physical energy, emotional energy, and whatever is in the environment or in the collective. And so empaths are intuitive and open and deep and love, connect, strong connections. But they need to learn strategies so they don't take on all the negative energy into the world and into their own bodies. So then they become exhausted, depressed, anxious, and burnout.

I mean, is there some way, like, I'm listening to you thinking, yeah, I'm not an empath, which I'm empathetic, but I would think there's a big difference between someone who can be empathetic and someone who is in that next place of being an empath?

Yeah, exactly. There's a quiz in the beginning of the book, and some of the questions include, do crowds drain me? And do I need a lot of alone time to revive myself. That's a signature for an empath.

Well, maybe I am one then.

Yeah, maybe. Do noise, smells and obsessive talkers overstimulate me and drain me? Oh. Huh. Yeah, the excessive talkers are the bane of my existence. It takes all the energy out of me. So part of the strategies of being an empath is learning how to interrupt. As hard as it may be to say, excuse me, you know, thank you for sharing that, but I have to move on. So you're not held captive by a chronic talker.

Yeah, and I would think when you're an empath and sensitive, then you'd feel bad about doing that. And so boundaries would get to be a bigger issue than for someone who isn't.

Catch 22.

Wow.

Do I prefer taking my own car places so I can leave early if I need to? So empaths don't get trapped anywhere. And then sometimes empaths put on a lot of weight because they overeat as armor to guard against absorbing the negative stressful energies. And so part of a diet regimen for an empath is learning some of the protection strategies so that they deal with the energetic component to overeating, which I talk about in the overeating and empath chapter in the book.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah, it is, you know, fascinating. Yeah, the old metaphysical healers used to be really obese women, maybe 300 pounds, and they felt that they needed that excess fat to guard against taking on the pain of their clients. And so fat works. It's not healthy. And there are other really healthy ways to deal with not absorbing energy other than putting on.

Yeah, I was just going to ask. Okay, so let's decide that that's not the strategy for doing this. If we're not absorbing that, we're not going to gain another 150 pounds. So what can you do to protect yourself then?

Well, one thing that's really quick and easy is put a meditation pillow right by the refrigerator so that when you want to go and overeat to pre yourself from taking something on, just sit down, breathe, do the three minute meditation I talk about in the book where you focus on your heart and you focus on your body and you bring your energy back to center rather than being dispersed with all the anxiety and fear of taking something on. So that cue right by the refrigerator is important. And then learning to breathe out negative energy and stress immediately when you feel it, the breath circulates the energy so it's important to breathe it out. Important to learn how to set healthy limits and boundaries, as you mentioned earlier, and learn that no is a complete sentence.

That's a tweetable right there.

But empaths are often caretakers and they want to please other people and they want to help their helpers and they tend to over help and don't take enough care of themselves. And then they come to me, a psychiatrist with, you know, wanting to be on medications. And medication is not the first line treatment for being an empath. You have to first diagnose if someone's an empath and then give the proper treatments, the protection strategies, the diet, the right thinking and the right approach to the sensitivity so empaths can flourish. I mean, being an empath is such a gift because you go so deep and you can appreciate nature and people and love. The only difference is, you know, we empaths, we prefer one to one interactions or small groups rather than big crowds because we don't do well in big crowds or big stadiums. It's just too much energy that we absorb. And so once you learn the secrets of being an empath and In a relationship now I couldn't be in an intimate relationship, you know, especially live in for many years because it was just too much for me. I'd get overwhelmed and suffocated and I never learned to express my empathic needs.

But this is so awesome, Judith. I literally used to joke that I needed to have my husband live next door to me.

Yeah, exactly. Well, you may be part.

I think I'm an empath who's learned some boundaries. And I, I, I do notice that amongst our, our health care practitioner friends, I think that the, when you're in any of the healing professions, you most likely are an empath by nature because you know, especially more of the therapist type of people, it would seem like that's who would be drawn to those professions, don't you think?

It's true. Empaths are drawn to the helping professions. The clergy, hospice workers, nurses, massage therapists, personal trainers, you know, all drawn towards helping people. But you know, what I've seen with a lot of my patients and yoga teachers, you know, they take on the energy of their clients and that is a problem for them. And so part of the work I do and in the book is to help people have the good boundaries so that they don't take on other people's stuff. And part of that is recognizing what your own issues are. For instance, if you have an issue with anxiety, let's say your mother had, you know, was a huge, had panic attack, you might have that trigger with other people. And so when you see other people who are anxious, you become anxious yourself. And the way to work with that is to deal with your own issues about anxiety and help to heal that.

That makes a ton of sense. Now the other thing that I've seen, I'm just thinking about myself personally, but I would imagine this is overall, is that us? Those of us out here who are more of the empath personality will tend to draw the people who are the opposite to us.

Oh, that's so true. There's a section on the book on the toxic attraction between the narcissist and the empath because they're drawn to each other. And I've worked with so many empaths to help them get out of these relationships and not get into them.

Well, let's define narcissists so someone can understand what that looks like.

Well, if I'm talking about a full blown narcissist, not just somebody with a few self absorptive traits, but a narcissist is, it's all, it's me Me, me, everything is all about them. And they could become charming and open and they seem to have empathy in the beginning and be so intelligent and reel you in, but the minute you don't go along with what they want to do, they become cold, withholding and punishing. And so they have what's called an empathy deficient disorder, meaning they literally don't have empathy as we know it. And I work so hard to try and educate my patients, my empath patients, who are so sensitive and loving. They don't get that they can't cure these people and win them over with compassion.

Can, can someone like that, like someone who doesn't have empathy? Because I actually dated someone like this and I thought I was going crazy. I kept trying to fix it, you know, and can, can that person, like, can empathy be learned or that person that doesn't have the empathy, is it just like a genetic thing and that's that?

Well, you know, the, the narcissists don't do well in psychotherapy because they always blame the other person. They're not accountable for their own part in the. I have seen progress with narcissists who go into 12 step programs and who are lucky enough to be addicts and alcoholics because then they have to work the 12 steps and be of service to others. So they begin to develop a sense of heart and giving. Because part of a 12 step program is being of service to others as part of your own recovery. And so I've seen full blown narcissists become really nice people, but that's, you know, really the only place I've seen it. It's very hard to turn around a narcissist because they don't feel. They feel you're the problem and they use a technique known as gaslighting, where, you know, they make you think that you're crazy and it's just so destructive.

Yes. Wow.

So how does an empathy protect themselves? Take care of themselves? Because it sounds like being an empath is a great thing as long as you know how to keep yourself safe and protected and manage your energy.

Exactly. I wouldn't give up being an empath for anything in the world. I love my sensitivities. I just want to say the empaths, they just don't have the same filters and defenses that other people have. So everything affects you. Whereas other people or extroverts might get energized by crowds, empath is harder for them. But the great thing about being an empowered empath is it gives you a deep sense of compassion for yourself and others. It allows you to love so deeply and kind of play in the world with nature and flowers and the ocean and just being alive and being creative and intuitive and giving and helping others and really exploring the mysteries of life. Because your intuition lets you explore all kinds of things that the linear mind, you know, really can't know in the same way. And empaths are just open to that. And so I really feel that empaths or empathy is the medicine the world needs right now, is that we need to be able to feel for others, to see their points of view. And we might not win them over all the time, but I think empathy is the only chance we have.

So how does one become more empathetic if they're, if they're not, they're not a full blown narcissist, but they're just the average person who wasn't even, never even thought about this, just wasn't aware.

Yeah.

What would they do to develop more empathy?

Yeah, that's a great question. I mean I have a number of patients who are attorneys and they often come to me, you know, because they're so over intellectualized and in their head, they're not in their bodies. And so part of developing empathy, if you're mainly intellectual, is to really do more body awareness exercises, do yoga, do breathing, do meditation, do certain tantric exercises, exercises with your, your partner if you have one, or even just, you know, go to a tantric workshop in order to open up your sensuality in a sense that you're aware of your body and you're aware of your body's energy, you know, and that helps a narcissist and about an intellectual and that balances them so that they have a very brilliant mind. But then they're also more connected in their bodies.

Well, this is super, super important work. I haven't seen anyone take this on like this. This is really fascinating. What made you decide to write this book?

Because there's such a need and I'm an empath and I've worked for so many years to find strategies for myself so I can really shine in this life rather than just be exhausted all the time. And so I wanted to share the strategies with all the other empaths out there because I get tons of emails saying, oh my God, I found out what I am, I'm an empath. Now I know I'm not crazy or weird, you know, rejected by society for being a sissy. You know, the poor little boys who are empaths, you know, they're they're called sissies and weak and not encouraged for their beautiful sensitivities. And so I just wanted to give empaths and everyone who has any level of empathy, which is everyone besides narcissists or sociopaths, the permission to develop it and, you know, saying how important it is in this day and time to really revel in this and show empathy to your loved ones and your, your family and your co workers and, you know, as many people as you can, you know, because I think this is going to, it changes people's lives when they can accept their own sensitivities and just let them shine.

You know, it's, this is, it's interesting. In, in Miracle Mindset, one of the seven lessons I talk about is forgiveness. And I walk people through an active process of forgiveness. And the key part of the active process of process of forgiveness is, is empathy towards that other person that shifts everything. And, you know, when you just think about it, if everybody learned how to be empathetic with appropriate boundaries, of course it would make a massive shift out there in the world.

Oh, I so agree with you. And one point I make in the book is to forgive people who have forgotten how to love, as so many people out there have forgotten how to love, and they act from that place and it requires forgiveness.

That's a great one. Now I'm going to throw you a curve ball. I don't, I don't really think it's possible to throw you a curve ball, so I'm going to try. What is the one thing that you do every day, Judith, that makes the biggest difference in your life?

I think the three minute meditation that I do throughout the day saves my life every day from being overwhelmed by too much busyness or whatever emotions I'm feeling or three minutes a day. Throughout the day, I'll meditate between patients and I close my eyes, I focus on my heart, and I bring all my energy back to center in my own body. So I'm in my own power rather than dispersed. And I do this in the car. I do this in bathrooms and airports, which are just tremendously stressful for me because of all the horrible noises there and the people. It's too busy for me. I go in the bathroom and I bring myself back to Judith. And when I'm in my center, I can do anything. And so I constantly bring myself back during the day and at least once a day, I think that's the most important thing that I do.

Awesome.

So I want to remind everybody that this book is called the Empath's Survival Guide. Life Strategies for Sensitive People. I love that you have that. That quiz in there, because you caught me. You should just get that quiz out there, because I bet a lot of us out there would go, that's not me. And then you went, oh, oh, yep. So love that you have this. The. The book is super actionable, which is the most fantastic part, is that you've got things that you can start doing right away to be able to protect yourself so. And live a better life and have more energy and then still be your most fabulous, empathetic, sensitive self. So thank you so much for this amazing work.

Oh, you're so welcome.

All right, now, after the break, I'm going to be answering a listener's question.

So stay with me.

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Welcome back. This is my favorite time of the show. It is the time where I answer a listener's question. And today's question comes from Karen in San Jose, and she says, jj, you talk all the time about how stressed, how bad stress is, but what if you're in a situation where you can't avoid it? So here's the deal, Karen. Like, no one knows that one better than me, right? I mean, being in a situation where my son is in a coma in a hospital bed, and I'm facing the biggest business situation ever in my life that has to make it so that I can continue to support my family. It like, I still look back and people go, how did you do that? And I'm like, wow. Of course I figured out how I did it. I wrote the book Miracle mindset on that. But, like, in the middle of it, I was like, I don't know. But one of the things that allowed me to get through it were a lot of the strategies that I had in place that I already had in what I call my toolbox to help me deal with it. I'm going to give you a couple of those right now because, you know, you can't Always change the situation. You can always change your reaction. That is the magic of managing stress. There's going to be creepy people out there. There's going to be bad things that happen. It's how you show up, it's how you handle things that make all the difference. So I have a couple things that I put in place and again, I talk about all of this in my book, the miracle mindset that I do on a daily basis to help me manage stress. And one of them is a gratitude practice where every single morning I get up and I pull out my journal and I write down at least three things that I'm grateful for. So that's one thing that I do. Another thing that I use when I feel like I'm just like, ah, you know, do you know that feeling? I use something called emotional freedom technique or tapping. And it's interesting, tapping. There was a study done by Dr. Dawson Church where he showed that you could reduce cortisol by as much as 27% through tapping. And this is crazy. I mean, it doesn't cost anything. It's just a technique you learn. I teach it in my miracle mindset Academy. It's amazing. So that's another one. Then, of course, nutrients are super important. When I was in the hospital with Grant, one of my friends, Dr. Hila Cash, showed up with literally a bag full of nutrients which saved me. And some of the key things that I love are vitamin C. Vitamin C is super important for the adrenal glands. It's the number one vitamin used by the adrenal glands. So the two that are really stand out to me are vitamin C and good B vitamins. So that's the step one. And then some things that can be really helpful here, Ashwagandha, Rhodiola, Eleutherococcus, panax, ginseng are some ones that can really help just keep things calm. Now, I also love licorice and N acetyl tyrosine because they can help kind of take the pressure off the adrenal glands as well. So those are some things that you can do. That's one of the. Some of the supplements that I use to help me when I need to. I've managed to help a lot with my stress just purely through my lifestyle. And I always like to say, what can we do with diet? What can we do with lifestyle? And then let's supplement that with a good supplement routine, of course, a good daily multivitamin mineral, antioxidant formula and essential fatty acids. That's, to me, part of your daily routine, and then you supplement on top of that. Okay. If you'd like to submit a question, just head over to my Facebook page, JJVirginOfficial. I'm always monitoring for great questions that I can bring onto the show. And I also go on my Facebook page pretty frequently and do Facebook lives, so I'd love to interact with you there as well. And thanks so much for joining me today. I want to remind you that all this information is only useful if you use it. If you take what I call courageous, inspired action, that means if you heard something today and you go, gosh, I need to be doing that. But maybe it feels a little uncomfortable or even a little bit scary. Awesome. That's perfect. That means that you're showing up bigger, you're pushing bigger, you're getting out of your comfort zone. So I want to encourage you to take courageous, inspired action because each time you do, you build resilience, and that's going to allow you to show up bigger in your life. And I want to leave you with this question to help open you up to even bigger possibilities in your life. And that is, what do you you want to show up for in your life? All right, until next time, this is JJ Virgin signing off. Thanks so much for being with me.

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