Taking care of yourself with Susan Levin

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Hey, it's JJ Virgin. And welcome to the JJ Virgin Lifestyle show, where we'll connect with some of the coolest people in the world. Plus, I give you tips that you can put into fast action to uplevel your health and and your life. Now, today's show, we're kind of moving. We're doing the bridge here between mindset and health. We're going to put them all together with my guest, Susan Levin. Susan's a native New Yorker, went to Harvard. She was working as an attorney. And then her son got diagnosed with autism, and everything shifted for her. And she is going to take us through her journey from grief, despair, and what tactics she used to be able to pull herself, her son and her family out of this. And what's so interesting is as I'm interviewing her, so many of these things were the same things that I used with my son when we were in the icu. So these things that are so specific have universal strategies that you'll be able to use to up level your health and your life as well. So today's guest is Susan Levin. All right, so let's do it. It. Susan Levin, welcome to the show. I'm so glad you're here with me today.

Thanks, jj.

So this is a subject I've been living with, so I was very excited to have you on the show. And one of the things that I've been teaching for the last couple of years after I spent four and a half months in the ICU and since I've been dealing with the son with a brain injury, is that you have to practice, practice extreme self care, that you have to put the auction mask.

On yourself for first.

So I know that's a big part of how you've been through this, but, you know, let's, let's just dive in. As a mother with a child of autism, what's the hardest thing?

Well, I think it's, you know, being an autism mom is, is really, I think, just an intensified version of being a mom in terms of, you know, stress, because I know a lot of moms who are not autism moms, and we have really similar kind of experiences. I think the hardest thing. And again, I think this applies to a lot of moms who are not necessarily autism moms. But for me, it was the loneliness. I really felt kind of terminally unique. I'm a very social person. My husband and I are very social. And when, uh, my son's autism got really acute, where it became really, you really couldn't not see it. Um, we became very isolated and stopped kind of hanging around with our normal friends and their quote, unquote, normal lives. And that was really tough to feel isolated. And I feel lonely and also just kind of be in the house with this child who really was very different. And I didn't really know how to relate to him. And some of his behaviors were just, you know, autism is wild. Kids do wild stuff in autism. And so I felt very trapped and. And again. And also kind of uncomfortable and ashamed of my kid. And so I. There was this tangible loneliness of not being with other people because I didn't want to be around other people with my kid doing weird things. But there was also a thing about this shame that I felt that I wasn't a better mom and that. And that, you know, I couldn't sort of make him be better. So. And again, like, I don't think that's a really. I think most moms go through that feeling of being trapped.

I'll never forget Susan. I have a son. My son with the brain injuries also got bipolar. And I remember being in. I guess they were like in kindergarten and first grade. And he always struggled. And especially in situations like Halloween, like, anything that was out of the normal really put him over the edge. And I remember this one mother, mother, like, looking at me like, couldn't I control my son? And judging. And I was just like, remember thinking, you know what? You'll probably have that kid in high school that goes off, does drugs and, you know, I mean, don't judge glass houses. So.

Yeah, and you're judging yourself, too. I mean, I think that's the hard thing is, like, part of the prison that I was trapped in was this self judgment and again, universal mom experience. Why can't I be more like, you know, Joanie with her perfect kid? You know, and so that. That's a really. That's a really tough place to be. And again, with autism. And these days, you know, autism is epidemic, but so is, you know, adhd, and so are so many of these other.

Oh, my God. Well, I mean, look at. Just. Just look at emotional disorders. 26% of the population. This is such. I grew up With a brother who was schizophren. No one talked about it. I mean, we need to talk about these things. And I think the biggest crisis facing all of us is isolation. Just like you brought up. I know it's been the difficult, most difficult part of what I've been going through with my son and what he's been going through. And so, you know, I know we were going to talk about some of the strategies with how you got your son through this, but I'm more interested in the strategies of how you're getting through this.

Yeah, well, that's, that's really my focus too, I can tell you, jj, because I see moms all the time dealing with their kids, you know, at the grocery store, at the library, at the school parking lot, at the airport, you know, and I see moms and I, I don't think I'm completely projecting here that they seem to be so uncomfortable and so unhappy. And I see them talking to their kids in ways that I know if I were talking to my kid that way, I'd feel bad about me, you know, yelling at, short tempered, impatient and kind of looking around, is anyone seeing how I'm talking to my kid? And you know, that's really kind of where I was. And so when I see these women, as much as I feel for the children, I really feel for the mothers. And of course, that's my story as of being trapped in that way and self judging in that way and then coming out of it. So that's really my mission now. I mean, I think autism is, is going to be here and that means that all of us are going to be affected by it. And every, I mean, one of my really big realizations is that we're all affected and there's a child with autism in the family. Every single member of that family has special needs. Absolutely. And the mom is kind of the center of all that and she's in the trenches usually. She's the one who's kind of really facing and dealing and coping with this stuff every day. So the moms to me are a huge, huge identified patient.

So when I was standing the first night in the hospital, the first full night in the hospital, I remember standing there in the ICU and I'm all gloved up, you know, and I've got a mask and, and this gown and I, I'm looking at my son and I'm thinking, I have to be 110 healthy. Like there's no margin for error here. I have to, you know, I have to get my sleep. I have to handle my stress, like in order to pull this one off. Like, I cannot get sick. And, you know, I think about these women because I just saw one, Susan, in the, in the airport and it broke my heart. She was. Her little girl had like, she had her in the bathroom with her, obviously. I heard this teeny little voice, a really young girl, and I guess she'd like splash some pee on her shoes and her mom lost it. And I'm thinking, oh my gosh, you know, just. I just wanted to grab them both, you know, and tell them it was going to be okay because you just know how stressed. Like we're just stretched so thin and then that final thing just blows you up. So what, what do you do to be able to navigate these waters? How do you take care of yourself?

The first and most important thing is to really get it that my well being is going to have a huge impact, just like you just said, jj on my kids well being. And you know, it's really hard to really connect those dots because, you know, as moms, we're like, well, it's my kid, I have to take care of my kid. I come last, my kid comes first, and that's it. But for me, I had kind of a pivotal moment one day when I met a woman and her child had had textbook autism. No eye contact, rocking, swaying, you know, completely autistic child. And she had fully recovered him using this method. And so she kind of had what I wanted. She was my expert. And we were talk and she said to me, susan, if you don't take care of yourself, you will not be able to take care of Ben. Ben's my son. And you know, Ben was diagnosed when he was 5 with autism. And at that time he was completely autistic. And you know, there's something about hearing an expert who has what you want say this thing that a million other people can say it. But. But she spoke to me because she was me, but she was not me. She was where I wanted and I was the after. That's right, exactly. And I knew I was the before and I. It was like that penny dropped and I said, okay. And I made that decision and everything else flowed from there. And my son's done really well, but. And I don't know that there's a causal relationship, but there is an absolute direct relationship between me taking care of myself and really being available to him, you know, and being able to be effective in researching all these methods and keeping journals and doing all the stuff you have to do if you want your kid to really make progress. So that was the first thing. And then in terms of sort of tactical, the. One of the most. Well, I would say the single most important thing I did was to start talking about what I was feeling inside, about my grief, because I had a vision of who my child was going to be and what my family was going to be. And, you know, it was definitely not that, I can tell you. So the sadness I felt, the disappointment, my fears about the future, about our financial life, about my marriage, because my husband and I were not coping well in our marriage. We were arguing all the time about my daughter because Ben has a little sister, Alina, and I was really worried about her and, you know, the impact of autism on her. And so to talk about my fears, to talk about my rage, you know, why had this happened to me and us and my kid, and to talk also about, like, was there hope? You know, because I was really hopeless and to. Just to talk, to get into community with other autism moms. And I did that, and I found other mothers, and we started to talk, and I found groups, and I got online and I started talking. And actually my book Unlocked emerged because I was blogging. That was a tool that I used. I blogged every single. Almost, I would say every single night for four years. And it wasn't like I was trying to get people to hear me. I just vomited this stuff every time.

You just need to get it out. Exactly.

Like, up and out. And then I could go hit the ground running the next day and be there for Ben. But I needed to be with other women who I knew wouldn't judge me, wouldn't judge Ben, and really understood what it's like to have a child who doesn't look at you, doesn't talk to you, doesn't hug you, you know, goes limp in your arms when you hold them, doesn't, you know, call you mommy, all these, you know, heartbreaking things. And. But. But. But without the judgment, because even my good friends, they. Who didn't have my experience, they didn't get it. And. And whether they judge me or not, I don't know, they probably didn't. But I judged me, so I always felt they were judging. And so community was huge. And. And then there was sort of. For me, I had to start taking care of myself on a very practical level. And that meant my nutrition and my spiritual life. So. So the nutrition piece. I had chronic pain, chronic fatigue, chronic bloat, like gas. I'm a petite woman, and I've been, you know, for many years, very, very petite. But I had, like, I looked like I was pregnant because my foods were. I wasn't eating too much necessarily, but my foods weren't right. And so I had to teach. I had to start thinking about myself. And as I went along and used nutrition, which was a huge, huge game changer for my son, I started applying it also to myself. And, you know, amazing. I mean, probably not amazing to you, jj, because you know, all this stuff, but for me, I mean, I was a lawyer and, you know, like, I had no idea any of this stuff.

Isn't this silly. You're a. You're like a Harvard grad, totally educated. Like, what should we learn in school first to. How to, you know, how to manage your finances, how to have great relationships, how to eat well, how to move well, you know, like, like. And yeah, in reality, yeah, it's crazy.

I learned how to change my choices, you know, and so I lost chronic. I don't have any fatigue. I don't have that bloat. I lost like five to eight pounds. I didn't even do, like, a lot of exercise. It was the food, it was the choices. And then. And also chronic fatigue. And my chronic pain went away because I was inflame. So I started learning about inflammation and, you know, like, alkalizing foods and all this stuff. And so I, you know, and then when I see this spiritual stuff, for me, that had to do with, like, learning how to connect with myself. And a lot of that happened through the community, you know, through talking and getting back in touch with myself. But then for me, I also started experimenting with meditating. Sitting quietly. I. One of the things that was. It's such a little thing, but it's such a big thing for me in terms of how effective it was, is Dr. Andrew Weil's breathing technique. And I call it the 8 4, 7, because I kind of do it backwards. I start with the exhale. I don't know why, I just always have. But that was something that really helped me. Just come at least twice a day just to do this little, literally two minute breathing thing. And it helped me.

I love this. I gotta tell you, Susan, I was interviewing. Gosh, was it Jonathan Fields? I think, think who's just lovely and in New York too. And. And he talked about having a toolbox. And I do this in my miracle mindset Academy. I have what I call mindset hacks. And it can be the breathing exercise you just described. Meditation, tapping, great music. But what you're just talking about are those interrupts when the day gets overwhelming. So before you lose it, you know, you've got a way to process it. And that blogging too, I think is such a key takeaway because it allowed you to. To get it out and you didn't even mean to be helping other people, but you did. So it's a win win.

Right. And having a foundation, you know, I started my day with myself before I would go off and work with Ben. So I would have a time in the morning, you know, that was just for me and that. That was like, critical. And then at the end of my day, I would have the blogging and just, you know, again, just get it all out. So learning these things, you know, it didn't happen overnight. I need to say that. And I. I still don't feel like I'm even a pro, you know, like, these are things that I practice.

Yeah. I don't know if we ever get to be a pro at that, you know, a pro at life. I'm not sure if that happens. No.

And I think that that mom cycle of like beating yourself up bloody, you know, for being like I. Even this morning I was thinking, you know, like, my. My daughter's 11 and she's difficult. She's going through middle school. Yucks. And you know, and I lost it with her this morning and I felt terrible, you know, and she went off to school and I could tell she didn't feel good night, you know, and there came out the sledgehammer as beating myself up, like, oh, how could you do that? You gave her the worst morning and now she's going to have a bad day. And you know, and what did I do? I got on the phone and I talked to some other moms. You know, I have this community, and they weren't autism moms. You're just moms. I know because I've learned. And that is a muscle that I built of. When I feel something, I immediately get it up and out. And it's not like people have big information to give me. I'm not necessarily looking for advice. It's just something about getting honest about what's inside and, and being heard and being seen that is profoundly healing, you know, so that. Yeah, I don't think we ever get cured of those things, but it's learning how to do it in a way that. That really keeps me from being held back.

There's so many great lessons. It's funny, I'm listening to these and they're. It just shows how universal this is same lessons that I talk about in, in my book Miracle Mindset. Same stuff that came up when I went through both the bipolar and the brain injury. Same stuff I think we all go through, whether it's autism, you know, or sick kid or angry kid or angry spouse, you know, it's all that stuff. It's all. And the great thing is, is what you're showing is it can be learned. It's a muscle. You get better. And as you get better, life gets better. And so that's such a key, key takeaway. Now I want to ask you one, one quickie, last question, throw at you.

And it's.

You get to pick one thing, the one thing that makes the biggest difference in your life that you do every day. What is it?

Prayer. I don't mean to sound religious. I'm not. And prayer can be different things. Sometimes I need to cry. And that's liquid prayer. You know, sometimes it's sitting and just being quiet and connecting with myself. Sometimes it's literally praying to God, you know, and really just talking and feeling heard in that way. But that's kind of my go to because there isn't always going to be a person on the end of the phone. You hope there is, right? For me, sometimes prayer is going for a walk with my dog and just, just praying and being, you know, kind of in communion that way with the outside. So, yeah, I would say that's my biggest jj. That's my biggest go to. And it's always. It never fails.

You're kind of a shining example of my, my line. You are stronger than you think, Susan. So I hugely appreciate it and I want to send everybody who, who just wants to go a little deeper with you, which, and as you can see from listening or hear tell from listening to this, these are things that you can use in every aspect of your life. So when I send people to miracle mindset.com forward/susan actually, wrong. JJ virgin.com forward slash susan. What can they get from you there?

I have a free download for you guys that is. It's about some of the principles, not really principles, tools that I use that I still use, that I used when we were working with my son, that I still use in there about your whole family, all the different family relationships, so siblings, marriage, parenting, grandparents, all those different dynamics. And check it out, it's just things that I use that help me because again, we all have special needs of one flavor or another and families. It's not easy being in a family. So, yeah, check it out. And let me know what you think. There's some great stuff in there for you to try out.

Well, you've given tons of good takeaways throughout this, throughout this interview. Just kind of they're just now a part of you and none of us are ever pros. But gosh, I always feel like the best place to learn the lessons is from someone who's gone through it themselves. Right. Makes you an expert. So thank you so much for joining me. And again, I want to remind Everybody, go to jjvirgin.com Susan to grab more of that. These takeaways will apply wherever you are in your life. And thank you so much for joining me. Now after the break, I'm going to be answering listeners questions, so stay with me.

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Welcome back. This is the time where I answer a listener's question. And today's question comes from Jane in Boston. And she says, jj, I know you ate healthy while your son was in the hospital. I travel all the time. I, I want to know what you did because I need to do the same thing. So just like you heard in this interview, when all of this was going on, I knew that my health was more important than ever. So I was focusing on eating healthy, handling stress, keeping my exercise up and sleep. And so I dialed those all in and fortunately they were already habits. And that's one of the key things. When you make these things, habits, then it becomes way easier. They can become a framework to help keep you in balance even when things get out of control. But what I did was I of course had my nutribullet and my shakes. So I had my all in one shakes with me. And every day I started out with that. Once Grant woke up from the coma and got rid of his feeding tube, I brought that into the hospital and I was feeding him too. But I would go over to Whole Foods one to two times a week and just stock Up. I was staying in a little, like, residential suite type of thing. And I would just stock that fridge so I could bring things with me to the hospital every day, but also have things back in my room. I, of course, had my JJ virgin bar, so I had my JJ virgin bars and shakes. And worst case, man, I could always dig into those and live on those. Other things I used was grass fed beef jerky. I love the Paleo Valley ones, those grass fed beef sticks and nuts. And honestly, this was just survival food. So I was doing what I needed to do. But then I would have wild salmon and chicken. I'd get all the cooked ones and put them in the fridge with salads, and I would eat those too. And fortunately, when people would come to the hospital, they'd bring me food, so that helped out a lot, too. And I found a couple places right close by that had healthy takeout. And there are a couple places, you know, like, you have to do the best that you can under the situation. But I think it's called Waba Grill, Chipotle Baja Fresh. I find that one of the easiest places to eat healthy is Mexican, because you can get veggies, fajita veggies, and salad and black beans and guacamole and chicken. So I just did the best I could do. I stayed completely clean of the dairy and gluten and soy and corn, because those really throw me under the bus. And I had no margin for error, for getting inflamed or not being able to focus. And so part of it, the first part of that is saying, which I love, Jane, that you said is, what do I. How do I do this? You know, the first step is saying, I. I need to do this. I have to take care of myself so I can do what I need to do in life. And then figure out what you need to do again. Shakes, bars, what stuff can you pack that's easy to travel with, where around you, close by are easy options? How can you set your fridge up so that when you get something that will last you for several days? And it all starts with that attitude? So with that attitude, set up your life for success, and then it will make it easy to do so. Now, if you'd like to submit a question, just head over to my Facebook page at JJ Virgin fan club, and.

I have a favor to ask.

I would so appreciate it if you could jump on Stitcher or itunes and leave a review for me. It helps a bunch. And be sure to subscribe and share the show with your friends. This is JJ Virgin signing off and reminding you to live courageously. Show up. Step up. You are stronger than you think.

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