In this conversational interview, JJ Virgin and a guest explore oxytocin, labeling it the "cuddle love hormone" and the most powerful hormone in the body. They explain oxytocin’s biological roles—facilitating bonding during hugging, orgasm, and childbirth, acting as a natural anesthetic, and supporting survival by linking partners from ovulation through early pregnancy. The discussion highlights a claimed gender difference: women retain elevated oxytocin for up to three weeks after orgasm, while men’s levels drop after a few days, influencing relationship dynamics such as one‑night‑stand suitability. They note that oxytocin levels decline with age alongside other reproductive hormones, while cortisol and insulin rise, contributing to reduced well‑being. To counteract this, the guest proposes “oxyplay,” a micro‑dosing approach of daily oxytocin‑boosting activities (e.g., meaningful conversation, physical touch) that also helps lower cortisol. The conversation ends with a question about whether oxytocin directly reduces cortisol or if the activities that raise oxytocin also lower cortisol, suggesting a bidirectional relationship.
Chapters
And we're going to be talking today about oxytocin. And I would love to start with what it is, because again, I don't think this is out there. Everybody, when they think of oxytocin, probably thinks of hugging, right?
Right. I mean, oxytocin, like, and I always like to differentiate, it's oxytocin, not oxycodone, right? Oxycodone's a pain medicine, okay, bad. And, um, but oxytocin is the cuddle love hormone. It's a really a trust hormone, a connection hormone. And the, the most important piece about oxytocin. And well, when we think about it, it's the most powerful hormone in our body. It's an alkalizing hormone. It's to rebuild and restore. I mean, we— when we orgasm, we produce oxytocin. When we're in, you know, to initiate labor, oxytocin is secreted endogenously. And so that we have contractions. And it's that hormone that when you have had— if you've had a child and you look at this child after you've been in labor for— I know for my first experience, it was 3 days. And then I look at this little child, all wrinkly and everything, and I'm like, oh my God, the most beautiful thing in the world. I just love it. Let's, let's just, it's just amazing, right? And you forget the pain. You forget the pain. You, you know, it's a natural anesthesia. You're completely connected to this child. And that is that oxytocin hormone. It's really the glue that keeps us together and makes life worth living.
Okay, I have to ask you one. Maybe you know the answer to this one. I think I heard it from Alison Armstrong, in that when women have an orgasm, they have oxytocin around from it for 3 weeks. And when men have an orgasm, it's like— I want to say 3 minutes, but it's like 3 days. So is this true?
It is so true. It is so true. So it's like oxytocin has a double edge to it, right? So the time it starts to— it peaks with ovulation too. There's a slight peak of it, but that, you know, With ovulation, you've got an increase in testosterone and dopamine. You've got that drive for that increased desire, drive for sex. And so that is naturally that kind of that peak when you have sex and intimacy and you, you know, you secrete oxytocin. It's like it can, it can connect you. It can connect you in a way that it's like a bad judgment hormone.
It's— I always looked at that when I heard that. I went, well, this is why women are not made for one-night stands.
No, right?
Because even if they think about and they go, you know, okay, this is just going to be a one-night stand, they can't stop thinking about the guy.
Hey, my first marriage. Some things you just have to experience to learn, you know.
Oh my goodness, that might be my favorite all-time podcast line right there.
Oh my God, it's so true. So that the concept is, okay, your oxytocin is connecting you to that partner from like ovulation to the time you know you're pregnant, basically, that at 2 weeks, that gestation period, you've got that oxytocin, you're connected to that mate, you are glued in. And that's kind of the hormone of survival as well. So there's so many faces to oxytocin, but it's that survival piece. Okay, I'm connected. So now we'll have, you know, a child together type of experience. And It is true. You have to really pay attention to that. You're like, okay, is this oxytocin speaking or is this, is this really the right relationship type experience?
Yeah. And what happens, you know, as we age, our hormones go down. Does oxytocin go down too?
Yeah. Yeah, it does. Sadly. It's like oxytocin goes down. All our reproductive hormones start to decrease. Cortisol and insulin increase. I know. It's like, this is not fair. It is not fair. But the good thing is you just have to be more intentional, intentional about making more oxytocin. So I would say you've got to microdose oxytocin throughout your day. That I call oxyplay, doing activities that increase oxytocin. So it's like chatting with a girlfriend right here, right now. My oxytocin is definitely higher than it was when I got started. And so there's that piece, you know, how can you incorporate activities that increase oxytocin throughout the day? The same time decrease cortisol.
Yeah. So if you are increasing oxytocin, is that— is it that oxytocin elevation decreases cortisol, or is it that the things that would increase oxytocin would decrease cortisol? Which is it, or is it both?
Yes, it's both. It's definitely both. And this is how I learned to— this association to begin with was because in my, you know, at 48, I was going through my second menopause or perimenopausal journey. I mean, really, like, you know, mood all over the place, feeling really disconnected, burnout from my work, and really feeling, I mean, disconnected to life in general, to anything, relationships, etc. That's when you're just, you're running on fumes and you're doing what you need to do because you're disciplined and you just have to do it to survive or to exist, or you've got your routines in place. You're kind of running in that realm versus an energy of desire and happiness and, you know, totally fueled. So during that time, I was struggling with PTSD, which was under the surface, and I thought I'd handled those issues, but I hadn't. So cortisol and oxytocin were fighting each other essentially in my life. So what I found is that when I would do activities to increase oxytocin, um, naturally helped support decreasing cortisol. And that— I did a simple test to just, you know, looking at your adrenal. There's ways we can test and measure and see how we're doing on a regular basis to make sure we're doing that in a physiologic way, actually getting physiologic results. So as I realized, as I started increasing more of the oxytocin-increasing practices, my You know, acidity went down. Stress makes us acidic, and cortisol, you know, was regulated, and my circadian rhythm regulated, and it was just healthier in general, happier in general. I lifted myself out of that depression, lifted myself out of that hormonal imbalance. And really, even though all my other hormones were dialed in, oxytocin was the key hormone to pull me out of the depths of, of PTSD and depression.
