How to Get What You Want, When You Want It feat. Chris Voss

Collaboration is both people wading in and being. You know, there's a difference between being assertive and being aggressive. I need you to assert your best interests. Otherwise, you're relying on me to read your mind about what's best for you. So for everybody out there, you've got to be assertive. You don't have to be an asshole when you do it. You know, the trick is to be assertive without being a jerk. Now, cooperation is sometimes a little more passive. And I want you to be collaborative. I want you to wade in. I don't want you to leave it to my mind reading to know what's best for you. And sometimes if we lean too far in the direction of cooperation, we find ourselves in a resentful position, and that's not good long term. So, you know, I want all of you to step up and politely let people know what you need, because otherwise you're. You're relying on them to read your mind, and that decreases your percentage chances of success.

This is one of my favorite things that I've observed as I'm getting to know you is the you're a wordsmith, as I love the distinctions in words, and that makes a big difference. I think people have linked assertive and aggressive as the same thing, especially people who are not likely to be assertive, that they kind of miscommunicate or misinterpret it, that they need to be aggressive when really what they're trying to be is assertive. You can be assertive politely, like you just said. That's kind of a. That's a great thing.

Really.

I agree with you completely. One of the most assertive people on earth, somebody. I'm a big fan of Oprah Winfrey. You don't think of her as being aggressive? You know, I've talked about her enough that I've had people close to her detail to me some very specific conversations she had with people where she was extremely assertive. You know, if you were to boil down her message to one sentence, it would be, it's my way or the highway. But she says it in such a supportive and nurturing and loving fashion that people go, okay.

Yeah.

When you say it in a way that it's like, it's okay that if that's not your way, that's fine with me in a way. Right?

Yeah.

You know what? That's it exactly. She always says, if it's not your way, it's fine with me. And no matter what, I will always love and support you.

Yes.

You know what?

That's interesting because I have met Oprah twice, briefly. The second time, but the first time I spent about 15 minutes talking with her at Maryville Resort over about 20 years ago, and she was at the resort for the first time. And my friend used to be the spa director there. And lo and behold, like, Oprah kind of walks around the corner and she looks so tired that I couldn't even bring it to myself. I wanted to ask her if she'd do an interview because even 25 years ago is when I first started doing interviews, but she looked so tired that I didn't bring up a single thing about business or anything. I was just talking to her about the equine experience using what, like horses is this therapeutic thing that they were doing at this spa and people were coming up to her and she just like, had to just dismiss them. But you're right, Chris, the way she did it was, I mean, extremely assertive. But also the tone of her voice, the way she did it, but it, I mean, there was no doubt that, you know, like, don't talk to me and that sort of thing. So it's. Yeah, I think that. So, I mean, to master something, Chris, from like Mastering the Skill of negotiation here, you obviously have a book. We wanted to have you come on because certainly what you can teach people can change the trajectory of their life and the results that they get and how they interact, not just in business, but in all areas in life. What are your thoughts on mastery? I mean, you even have a master class. You have trainings. I mean, what does it take for someone to get to that level?

You know, it's repetition, small stakes practice for high stakes results. Be willing to make mistakes and then learn, Learn from your mistakes. Now that seems obvious, but first of all, most people over the age of 25 don't want to make mistakes. You know, you're horrified, you're embarrassed. You know, you find mistakes embarrassing. And so that's the first problem. I mean, that's a real problem. And then the second thing is then learning from the mistakes. You know, it's practice makes perfect, but perfect Practice makes perfect. Learn from your mistakes and be willing to get better. Like we, you know, we get internally, we got sort of a game that we play on getting sweet upgrades in hotels for free. It's a little bit of a contest. My son Brandon prides himself on always getting a better room in a hotel than me, and I'm paying the bills. But, you know, he taught us how he does it. And the last time I was in A hotel. And I happened to be in Dallas for a football game just a couple of weeks ago. I did it badly, and I got the sweet upgrade. And afterwards, as I was going through it in my mind, I was like, ah, I made a mistake. I mean, you know, I got to do this better. But it was a learning, you know, it was a repeat experience for me, Practice and, you know, I was willing to make a mistake and then relearn, get back into practice. Because negotiation is a perishable skill. It's not riding a bike. If you're bragging about a negotiation that you did a long time ago, then you're out of practice because you should have a recent victory or not quite a victory that you could talk about and get better from. So it takes practice.

So, Chris, where is negotiation not utilized in life?

Yeah, you know, I don't know where it's not utilized. I mean, when are you not trying to get smarter? When are you not trying to gather information? When are you not trying to have influence in a good way? Again, this is with this collaborative thing that I referred to earlier about, I mean, using your powers for good and not evil. If you collaborate, if you want to hurt people, it's going to catch up with you. But, you know, if. If I'm only information gathering, maybe, and I don't want to have influence on the outcome, you know, maybe that's it. But negotiation is involved in everything. Negotiation. One of my favorite stories is negotiation involved when you order at Starbucks. It's in everything. And the reason why it's involved at Starbucks, which. Which most people say it's not. I had a guy tell me that a Starbucks employee told him that he gave decaf to people that were mean to him.

Sometimes you're in negotiation, you don't even know you're negotiating.

Exactly. When you don't know you're in.

That's right.

Yeah, exactly. Like you're the recipient of what happens when you're an asshole to people.

Right, exactly.

So going back to collaboration, so let's frame it this way.

So.

You'Ve been in some pretty serious life or death situations. I mean, the top international FBI hostage negotiator was one of your roles that you've done in your pretty expansive life. How does someone who's threatening to blow someone's head off wanting money or whatever, that they're looking for freedom from their crimes. How do you view that as a collaboration?

Yeah, well, it sounds like a cliche, but what are their actions or their threats in a larger view, what are they designed to get. And whether or not you're a terrorist or you're a CEO or you're a paperboy, it doesn't matter. We're all kind of after a few of the same things, you know, we want a better tomorrow. You know, we want to live, we want to flourish. We want to prosper no matter what, you know, there's a higher purpose, you know. You know, bank robber says they need a car in 60 seconds or she dies, which is one of our favorite exercises. A guy wants to live, you know, terrorist who is a demand, I'll kill this person. If we don't have this political demand, they have greater aspirations. I was training hostage negotiations in the United Arab Emirates a little over 10 years ago. They brought me in to sit down with the sheikh that was in charge. Brilliant guy, American educated. Interesting dude. I mean, an interesting dude. And they told me before I sat down with the sheikh, if they had any. If they had Al Qaeda come in. The sheikh wanted to kill him. You know, he. He said, understand, the sheikh is not here for you to save terrorist lives. The sheikh is here for you to save lives of innocent people in the Emirates. So the sheikh says to me, all right, what are you going to teach my guys to tell? And I said to him, I want your guys to get on the phone and say to a tariff. What you're doing is a great thing. And the sheikh's mouth fell open. And I said, and when they do, they're gonna have them the same way I've got you right now. You can't wait to hear what I'm gonna say next. Because there's a larger purpose to the action. So, you know, business person, if somebody's demanding a price reduction, they're under pressure. You don't talk about. Don't talk about the price reduction. Say, sounds like you're under a lot of pressure here. Sounds like you're really up against. You're really up against. It sounds like you're backed into a corner. Get out of reacting to what they said and think about in a bigger picture, what are they really after? And it's pretty much always the same thing. Because all human beings are hardwired the same.

Yeah.

So what's the most stressful negotiation you've ever been in? And how did you. How did you deal with it?

Talking to my sister earlier today. You know, the ones we all struggle with, the closer somebody is to us, the harder it is for us, because it just becomes harder and harder to get out of our own way any, anytime, that if I can step back at all, then I can, I can get myself under control. And usually the way I step back is, you know, I'll vary my tone of voice. There's a couple different ways to step back to get yourself out of a reactive judgmental mode, get yourself out of, out of, you know, an angry mode. You know, they say give a speech when you're angry, it'll be the greatest speech you ever regret. You know, when your buttons are getting punched, you're actually dumber. And you're also simultaneously more self righteous. So it's not emotions that are bad, it's negative emotions. And anytime you can, you can take a step back in any way, take a deep breath. I mean, you know, we're seeing all this stuff from traditional thought that now is being backed up with scientific data. Taking a deep breath is a way to step back. You know, that book Breathe is out there. I was, I was thinking actually earlier today, you know, because I, I got a little heated up in conversation with my sister and. But then I happened, you know, it was time for me to, I took cold shower. I take cold showers for health reasons. I instantly, my mental state changed, cool off, literally physically, you know, so I've, you know, I varied quite a bit from your original question. What was the most stressful negotiation you were in?

Hey, I hope you're enjoying this video. And I want to let you know that I have a new book that's.

Come out and it's. If you'd like to get it absolutely free, there's a link below in the description or you can wait till the end of this video or you can Simply go to joe'sfreebook.com and you can.

Get a copy there.

Anytime that I don't have a sounding board. If I'm in it by myself and I don't have somebody on my side as a sounding board, then I'm not in as good a position. I've had some kidnappings that, that were ugly. You're not going to bat a thousand. You're just not. Anybody wants to give you a negotiation strategy that says works every time they're lying to you. I told somebody in a conversation recently, hostage negotiators had a 93% success rate, which is an enviable success rate for any sales or business person. 93% success. But that meant we shot the bad guy 7% of the time. So engage in skills that increase your batting averages and don't expect yourself to be perfect. Okay, got it.

So what is your process for like fleshing out a situation and then determining the best approach to take. Because you have to size things up and sometimes you have to size them up relatively quickly. So how do you, how do you speak to that?

Yeah. All right, so the first thing is, Colin PA said a long time ago, never let your ego get so attached to the position that if the position collapses, your ego goes with it. What does that have to do with what you just asked me? What it has to do with what you just asked me is when you size things up initially, understand that you're going to get in more data and your assessment of the situation is going to change. So, yes, initially, I'm going to size the other side up for collaboration. I'm going to size them up for whether or not they're L for half. Everybody knows what that is. I live by those phrases. Every day I'm going to try to figure out if they're L for half. Are they easy, lucrative and fun? Are they hard and annoying, lame and frustrating? And then I'm going to be willing to adapt that as I go on. You know, I'm going to use a couple of negotiation skills that are the diagnostic tools, mirrors and labels. I'm going to repeat something that they just said to get them to go on. I'm going to label what they just said. You know, it sounds like this is important to you. Anything to give me more data as we're going through to back up whether or not they're L for half. Conversely, what am I to them? Am I the favorite of the fool? If you don't know who the fool in the game is, it's probably you. In point of fact, and I'd bet the ranch on this. 20% of everybody's opportunities, 20% of business opportunities are fake opportunities. We actually think that the number's higher than that. 20% of the time, the person is coming to you for your good or your service. They're looking for you to be a competing bid only. They're looking for you to flesh out their due diligence. They're looking for you to be the rabbit to drive the price down on the other side. 20% of the time. Why do I think the numbers 20 and it's actually much higher? There's a book out there called the Challenger Sale. They ran a survey. They asked business people, how often do you actually lie to a vendor. You have no intention of doing business with them, but you're acting like you do because you need a competing bid. You're only doing due diligence. Executives responded about 20% of the time. Now, did they exaggerate or did they minimize? Because basically what they asked the executives was, how long do you lie to someone? How often do you lie to someone about whether or not you're going to do business with them? There's no way they exaggerated. They had to have minimized.

So let me ask you this, Chris. So what's the most valuable negotiation technique or strategy that you've ever learned and why is it so valuable? Because you know a lot of them.

You know, one of the simplest ones. All right, let's go with simplest. Mirroring. Repeating the last three words of what someone just said.

The last three words.

Yeah, you know the last three words. Just repeat the. Nice job, Dean. I know what you're doing to me.

I know what you're doing.

For a minute there, you fell for.

It right away without even, how dare you put me on me.

Nice.

No, if you can master that skill. Because a lot of times you just need some time to think. You know, everybody says, boy, you know, now that I'm thinking about it, I know what I wish I would have said. And now that I'm thinking about it, now I see what I missed. That mirror technique, the last three words buys you that time in the moment without the other side realizing that's what you're doing. Because they're going to go on, they're going to talk some more, they're going to add a lot in. One of the crazy things about the MERIT technique is it's a preferred move of the people that possess both a high IQ and a high eq. Now, I cannot explain why that is the case. I can speculate on it. I think if they are high in both areas, they love the simplicity of it and lack of effort. And they're data loving people. So they, they love how little they have to do to get a bunch of information out of the other side. But that's, that's, that's probably the single most valuable thing that you could learn. Simply.

Very good. Very good. Well, so we've talked about this one before, but it's always so important because you've shifted. You've helped so many people just with this one. So why is the word no more important than yes? And if you could give an example.

Wow.

Wow. Yeah. Okay, so the key to negotiation, it's not about you. We hear this all the time. But here you hear no, and you go like, oh, my God, oh my God. I hate no, I hate being told no. I think we get that Conditioned every child on earth, regardless of the language. What's the first word they learn? No. Because they get told no and they get pointed at them and no, don't do that. No, no, no. So we get it beat into a hardwired into us. So when we hear it, something horrible has just happened. But the flip side, the person who's saying it feels protected and safe and they calm down and they relax. They feel like they just protected themselves. The other thing too is you can say no when you're tired and then immediately contribute to the conversation and think things through really quickly. So it's completely different if it's about them. People love to say no. They feel. And they're gonna say a bunch more afterwards. You know, I got a couple no stories that I love, but I'll tell one of my favorites. Robert Herjavec. We're negotiating with Robert Herjavec's crew over how many tickets are gonna buy for one of our training events. I've already offered him one. His response for free. His response to the one for free was how many can we buy? Not how many more free ones can we get? I'm a huge Robert Herjavec fan. Based on my interaction with them, I find him to be a generous, decent human being. So we're going back and forth and the event is getting ready to sell out. My son Brandon, who runs my company, he calls me on the phone late in the day, I'm in la. He says, you get Herjavec to commit how many tickets are gonna buy now or they're gonna be sold out by the time the sun rises in New York tomorrow because my son's on east coast time. We're getting ready to sell the event out. And Brand says, and if he doesn't buy any, I'm giving away, I'm selling a ticket that we're supposed to be giving him for free. So I'm like, all right, I gotta cut this deal now. That's five o' clock in la. When's the last time you tried to get a hard decision out of somebody at 5 o'? Clock? At 5:03. And also an email. At 5:03 I sent a two line email to Robert Herjavec. Is it a ridiculous idea for you to commit to buying three tickets now? Second line. Are you against paying for them before the business day starts in New York tomorrow? Again, we're three hours behind New York. The time stamp on his email response is 5:04. One minute later, no, we'll commit to the three tickets right now. No, it's not a problem. We'll pay for them right away. Send me a link. We'll pay for them right now. Within the hour. I send them the link. We get the money at 523. Get people to say no. You'd be shocked at the responses you get.

Fantastic. So there's some questions that people have, but what I'm going to ask everyone. Save your questions. When we open it up for Q and A, I might ask you to repost them because it's sometimes hard for me to track everything and be present here, too. So, Chris, how might an entrepreneur use these strategies and techniques that you teach to better understand and serve their clients?

Well, yeah, I mean, first of all, in simply understanding them better will help you serve them, you know? All right, so let's say you're the favorite, and let's say that they're elf. They're not half. They want you to dial into them. You know, you. You want to be open to a better deal, which is you tailoring your services to them so that it better serves them, and it's more lucrative for you. Because first of all, I'm going to presume that everybody on this call believes the same thing that I do, that you over deliver. So first of all, if you're over delivering, you are bargaining whatever you were charging anyway, which means if you tailor your service, your good or service, so that it's a better delivery for them, you're worth even more. Yes, you want to get what you do. No, don't. Don't be greedy. Don't grab with both hands. But when you provide a service that's worth it, you are entitled to be paid. So the more that you listen to them and understand them, and I'm here to tell you there are ways that you can tailor whatever you're providing that would be easier for you to provide it, which means it would be more profitable for you and it would be better for them. So be willing to engage in conversations and be open to that. And then the other crazy thing is there might be something really counterintuitive.

That'Ll.

Make it profitable for you in unexpected ways. And one of my favorites is, you know our mutual friend Dan Sullivan. He's talking about his book deal. He's talking about listening to me. Never split the difference. And we pay.

Sorry, I pushed the wrong button.

We pay people what they ask. No, I don't pound people on price.

So.

So Dan turns around and gives every dime of the book proceeds to Dan and Tucker Ben. Ben and Tucker.

Sorry.

Ben and Tucker.

And then Ben and Tucker. Tucker says, dan got the last drop of my blood. When you're not greedy on the price term, what the other side gives you back might be worth 10 times what the dollars were worth. And those guys, I think those guys. I think Ben and Tucker die for Dan.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And that's. See, the beauty of Dan, too, is. And I think it's one of the reasons. I mean, heck, me and Dan have done podcasts on this is we like reciprocal people. You know, we like people that are generous. We like people that are useful. And it's just so much easier to. That's what an ELF person is. People keep asking, what does ELF mean? ELF is easy, lucrative, and fun, and half is hard, annoying, lame, and frustrating. It's actually a term I got over 20 years ago from my friend Mark Schneider, who unfortunately passed away earlier this year, but I heard him say elf years ago. And I said, I'm going to develop that into something because I started thinking of all the different business methodologies you can use in terms of marketing and the stuff that me and Dean Jackson teach on. I love marketing. It's ELF marketing. It's automated, it's robotic. But then I started thinking, how do you. You can filter everything through an ELF filter. What are people? What are projects? What are things that you're doing? Are they easy, lucrative, and fun? Or are they hard, annoying, lame, and frustrating? Sometimes people can be hard, annoying, lucrative, and frustrating. Not all money is created equal. So ELF is a really great filter. And I'm super happy, Chris, that you're referring to that, because I think it just offers some framing. So, yeah, I mean, once you become skilled at utilizing what Chris is teaching and what he's talking about here, you will find a lot of things in your life that were difficult become more elf. And that's the whole goal, is to bring ELF to people in all areas of their entrepreneurial endeavors.

I'm going to jump in real quick because there's one more tangent I want to go on to on half.

And now.

Before you fire your half clients. And we just shifted into this recently, we got a couple of deals that were proposed to us, and they were half deals before we walked away. And I had this conversation with my son Brandon and everybody else in our company. When it came up, I said, what's the counteroffer that would make this an ELF deal before we walk? Maybe they don't know that this is half. Maybe they don't understand it. And there's A pretty good chance of what you know, the chances are that they're going to offer you a half deal because they don't know any better. They can't help themselves. There's a whole bunch of reasons. I said, let's counter with what would make this an elf relationship. At that point, there's no doubt in anybody's mind what we're looking for. And they had the option to take it or leave it, and we have the option to take it or leave it. And we turned a couple of deals around with that by simply countering. Instead of saying goodbye so long, we said, all right, here's what would work for us. Here's what would make us want to do business with you forever and make us want 10 years from now, look back on the last 10 years and say, that was cool, and we threw it out there, and the batting average is actually pretty high on that. You know, we don't counter offer their offer term by term. We construct what would be great for us and how we would love to do business with them before we walk. And you'd be surprised at how many people will embrace that because they just didn't know any better.

Do you ever have situations, Chris, where you look outside of the scope of what will be the immediate terms that are on the negotiation to see, to draw in other things that might tip things some way or be an influence? I was just thinking about how, you.

Know, that's a great question, man. I'm glad you brought that up. We're trying for that all the time. And, you know, how do you know what you don't know? What we'll do is we'll start to.

Say, let's brainstorm this a little bit.

Like, here's some ideas that people have gotten in the past. Start throwing out wacky stuff that people brought up, and that will kick their brain into gear. So, yeah, try to kick them into a collaborative brainstorming process to look for how to get outside the scope. I mean, I love that question because that's absolutely what everybody should be doing.

What are the biggest mistakes that. Let's start with that, that we make with negotiating, because we're all doing it. I mean, how would you even define negotiating?

Communicating to accomplish results in real broad terms. Information gathering is part of it. Herb Cohen wrote a book a long time ago called you can Negotiate anything, and he defined negotiation as a use of power and information in a web of tension. Now, web of tension would be emotions. And the only tweak, I think, that we made in our Definition is we don't just use information, we gather it and use it. Because if you're saying the use of information, you're assuming you're coming to the table and you know you should have gathered all the information before you come to the table. The table's the best place to gather information. And a lot of people will hold themselves back from going to the table because you want to be prepared. You don't want to be caught off guard. About a third of you in a room are horrified at getting caught off guard at the table, and that's holding you back.

Yeah.

So.

Yeah.

So in terms of the mistakes, do people like, what are some common ones that are easy to fix? Like, you have a whole way about no, as an example. I love the way that you. Most people want to get a yes. Maybe we can talk about how yes could possibly not be the first thing you want to hear out of someone's mouth. Because everyone here is like, you know, wanting to sell stuff. And you got a lot of the world's greatest marketers. And I've always had the conversation with Dan Sullivan that no's are great, yeses are great, maybes are what kill you. If someone says no, you at least know where they stand. And you can either it's done or you can. Now, knowing what you know, that's actually a starting point. But maybes where someone's like, oh, I'll call you back, or whatever. And so I'd love to have you talk about just the languaging and what to pursue and how to actually start the whole book process of getting to something favorable and the result that you want.

Yeah, sure.

All right. So yes is a useless word. There is no more useless word. And the majority of you probably, yes addicts. And recognizing that is one thing. Getting out of it is even harder because you're hardwired. If you're hardwired to hear yes, breaking out of that dynamic is really, really hard. But it could be one of the biggest issues. And if you're hardwired for yes, of course you're horrified at no. But in any important negotiation, I don't bother with yes at all. Give you an example. We ran a training in New York a few months back, and I had recently run across Robert Herjavec, wonderful guy. I mean, generous on the strength of just an introduction from one person. I'm sitting down with this guy for lunch for 90 minutes, and he's talking to me for 90 minutes, and he's buying. I mean, what else do you want?

Right.

So through the course of the conversation, I tell him we got this training going on and I offer him, you know, give you a free ticket. And he says, how many can I buy? Like, wow, even better. What an even more gracious guy. He loves so much. We're talking about, he's willing to pay too. So we're going back and forth on the tickets, how many he's going to buy. And the window's closing, it's going to slam shut and he's not going to get in. And my people are bugging me, they're mad at me because I'm giving away tickets for free that we'd be selling otherwise. So I'm in a doghouse already. Anyway, so it's, I'm in Los Angeles, my team is in New York, east coast, we're three hour handicap in la, and they're screaming at me. And he hasn't pulled the trigger on the tickets. So I sent him an email. Are you against committing for three tickets now? Are you against paying for those tickets before the start of business tomorrow? Because we're going to be three hours behind the clock. If they wait until tomorrow morning, they're going to be gone and then I'm going to be embarrassed. I get an email back in less than 30 minutes. We'll commit to three now. We'll pay for them and they pay for them within the hour after 5 o' clock in Los Angeles. So every, every time it's really, I mean, we don't bother with yes. You can flip any kind of question, any kind of commitment question from a yes to a no. And you'd be shocked at what people will say no to. I mean, friggin shocked.

Shocked.

And yes is yes is commitment, yes is hesitation, yes is concern. That's why people are really good at the false yes.

Yeah, we'll talk about the false yes.

With, you know, Versus. That's right, versus, you're right. Yeah, this is a really good distinction and real, you know, something I never knew or realized until that's what Tim.

Was talking to me about that one time when we met.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, by the way, I should say that too. When I first met Chris, it was a couple years ago and Tim Larkin, who, many of you know, he's been a genius network for, you know, I've known Tim for 20 years and he, Tim actually is, he's been on the COVID of Black Belt magazine, he's trained, you know, lots of, you know, Navy SEALs, MMA fighters, everyday people, men and women, and he, you know, his book, the Science of Violence is the title of his book. And he has this great.

Violence is the answer.

Violence is the answer.

Yeah.

And I've interviewed him on it. You think I would know this stuff? And when, you know. And Tim is. He's a badass, and he's a great guy, and he said that, you know, violence is never an option unless it's the only option. You know, what do you do in a situation where someone is going to hurt or kill you? And when Brian Kurtz actually organized a dinner and invited Chris to it and Tim. I sat next to Chris, and Tim was there, and it was a small group. There's maybe like, I don't know, 10 of us or something. And Tim said, you know, he's like, I don't mean to be total fanboy, but I love your book. And Tim said, this is the best book on negotiation he's ever read. And so right from the get go, I was like, wow, this is an important guy. Yeah. So there's lots of little things that most people would have no idea about. But, you know, you identify those and you teach people how to actually use them. So let's talk about the false yeses and what you really want to accomplish to know that you are successfully, I guess, negotiating.

Right. Right.

All right.

So. And the thing that Tim talked about to me about that one time, too. Somebody tells you you're right, what are they telling you they're right? No, they're telling you to shut up and go away. I want to maintain a relationship with you. I still like you, either because I want to or I have to. But I'm really. This is. It's designed to preserve the relationship. But please, please stop talking and please go away. And we might like your right more than we like.

Yes.

Because we think we have to make a case. You think you got to make a case. You think to negotiate, you got to make an argument. You got to make a compelling case. You got to give your value proposition to the other person, and you think you scored. When they look at you and they go, you're right.

And what happens is you get real.

Happy, and you shut up, and you probably walk out of the office, you probably walk away. Or, you know, you think you made the point with your significant other or.

Whoever it may be.

And Tim sits down next to me. He goes, like, you know, you saved me so much money because I was. He was on a rant with his senior team, and he'd read the book, and he's trying to get everybody on the same sheet of music. This is the direction we're going to. And he says one of his executives said, tim, you're right. And he said, holy cow. If I'm so far off track with my guys that they're trying to politely get me to shut up, I need to stop the meeting right now. I need to back up, I need to find out where I'm off track, and then I need to go to everybody and get myself corrected, which it kind of blew me away that he was that enlightened about it. That's what he did. He stopped the meeting, he went back, he talked to everybody, found out where he was wrong. Because if people are telling you, look, shut up, you're probably off track. A 2 millimeter difference is. Use a Tony Robbins phrase, right? Another 2 millimeter difference. You want to get people to say, that's right. Because that's right is what you say when you hear the complete and total truth, you agree 1000%, no matter which side of the political aisle you're on. The last presidential election, the last presidential debate, whichever candidate you loved, when they said something that you loved, you didn't look at the TV and go, you're right. You looked at the TV and you said, that's right. And that's right. What people, when they say, when they're all in and what they just heard is a complete truth. Now, the invisible fairy dust magic to that is they feel incredibly bonded to you in that moment. They don't know that. That's the other thing that's really powerful about it. Somebody once told me that's somebody saying to you that they feel empathy from you, and that's so powerful. For example, the greatest practitioners of this in the world are actually sociopaths.

They're also vulnerable to it.

Interestingly enough, the idea that sociopaths either can't feel it or use empathy. They do feel it, and they do use it. But if you were willing to accept this premise, this outlandish idea that sociopaths are good at empathy, you should ask yourself why. Why is because it's quick and it's sustainable, and they're lazy, and it's the way that they maintain really solid relationships with very little maintenance from them. So empathy saves time. You put less money, less time into relationships to keep them strong. Once you've established empathy, bridge and you've established it. When somebody looks at you and says, that's right. What I really was was an international negotiation coach. I coach negotiations in every culture on the planet. And they weren't asking for ransom for the American. They were asking for war damages for 500 years of oppression from the Spanish to the Japanese to the Americans. Violations under Blackjack Pershing, all this sort of nonsense. This is another story that you should be tuning out right now because you were never in an argument with someone where they were bringing up stuff from the past that didn't matter anymore.

Where are you? So we, you know, we tried all.

Sorts of logic, all sorts of in and out, you know, tried to be clever. I thought I knew terrorism, I thought I knew Islam and thought I knew all this stuff. And finally one day we just said, we're gonna get a. That's right out of the guy on the other side, the sociopath. And make no mistake, a raping serial killer. Chopped lots of heads off. Personally was proud of it. And no shortage of rapes to his credit. And I coached my guy to get on the phone. And you just keep. Make their case. It's the Stephen Covey advice. Instead of seek first to understand, then be understood, demonstrate understanding. You gotta make their case, not your case, but just recognize it, don't agree with it, but lay it out the way they see it. Lay out everything that this sociopathic terrorist has been laying out of all the nonsense of why $10 million is a bargain basement price for 500 years of war damage.

And he laid it out, and he laid it out, and he laid it.

Out, and he laid it out. I said, and if you're not laying it on thick, you're not laying it on thick enough. And my guy finished it. And there was a short silence on the other end of the line. And the terrorist said, that's right. And we said, okay, let's talk again in a couple of days. And the $10 million ransom demand went away. They never brought it up again, ever. It went away. It was gone. It was completely gone. A couple of months later, the American walks away. We had done a number of things. We'd gotten them disorganized. We completely disorganized them. They didn't know we did it to them through our communication techniques. American walks away a couple of months later, military picks him up, flies him out. We take him back to the U.S. i'm back in the Philippines about three weeks after this on another case, and the guy that I coach says, you're not gonna believe who called me on the phone. I'm like, I don't know who called you on the phone. The terrorist guy's name was Sibaya Sabia. Still knew his undercover name. Still had his undercover phone number, was.

Smart enough to know that he had.

To either be with the police or the military, but didn't know and didn't care. Called him on the phone and and said, have you been promoted yet? I have no idea what you said to me on the phone. You're really good at it. They should promote you. And also think about what he's saying. Cause would he deal with him again? What was he really saying when he made that call? I respect you. I'd deal with you again. So it's an example.

Who would imagine that you can get.

To somebody like that?

I would think that most people would agree that when it comes to negotiation that all of us could have a little bit of improvement. Now, even if you are a seasoned negotiator, there are some times that you believe that you can maybe have said something a little bit different. So this talk is for you if you want to increase your negotiation skill sets, but also take it to the next level of how do you have deep connection in every one of your conversations? So through this three step approach, I'm going to be teaching you that. So before we get into this, how do we define high stake environments? Well, it's anything that is a negotiation, a high stake conversation or presentation. And it's also an area where we have to connect on a deeper level because we're going through maybe a challenge or a struggle. And it can also affect your time, your money, and even how you perceive your reality. So even your values. So even if you aren't in the situation where you might be fundraising hundreds of millions of dollars in your life, you're in difficult situations and conversations every single day. How many people in here are parents? Awesome. So having those deep connection conversations with your loved ones and being able to have that effect that you want. What about you? Your spouse or intimate relationships, how many people are in those? Right. So it's slowing down. Being able to get the most out of those situations so that you can get the results you're looking for. Team members and business partners. All of us, I'm assuming, even if we have that remote team member, we want to be able to connect with them, get to the heart of the matter. And then we have clients and customers and patients. How many people are connected to them? Yes. Only three or four. Come on. And then we have also team members and we have investors, board members and advisors. And so looking at how we navigate those situations, and so you're probably looking at me and saying, how did she get into negotiations and sales where did that start? Well, it started at the kitchen table. My parents were in real estate and real estate sales for over 40 years. So growing up in a very highly entrepreneurial atmosphere, I saw the highs and I saw the lows and everything in between. And so in the early 90s, I was a teenager and as you know, real estate, we're going through it right now, has some cycles and we're in a deep recession. And it was a time where I got to wake up to a time in my life where I realized that if I was going to have something in my life, I had to own my results, I had to take ownership, I had to take responsibility and I had to make a decision. So you all in your seats right now and at home you might be in a spot where today is that decision to make that you want to take your relationships to the next level so that you can live the life that you want to live. And so that was a very impactful experience that led me to be in sales and to understand it on all different aspects and doing extremely well at a young age, making a lot of money and helping a lot of people and how to take things to the next level.

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And you can get a copy there.

So where we got to start here is negotiation strategy. And so in negotiation strategy we have distributive and we have integrative. Distributive is that tug of war that you have, that maybe that one time negotiation where you don't know if you're going to see that person again. And so it's a lot of bargaining. It's, you know, cards are close to your chest and so you're trying to get that result, but you might not see that person again. What I really focus on is integrative, which integrative is looking at long term relationships that we all benefit, that we all win. But don't worry, Chris Voss. I'm not going to say win win, right. So it's looking at how do we get to that deeper connection. So this is an ongoing relationship that everyone benefits. So as you know, in negotiation there's a technical side which I could go into, which would be a two to five day intensive where we could go into things like pre framing, reframing, framing to agreement frame frames, to anchoring to sales cycles, all these different things. And what I'm going to do today is really focus on the artistic side because that's something that you have a lot of control over. And it's really looking at how we have this technical and artistic side combined, which really makes it so that we are able to be authentic and have your true essence come out. So the first concept that we're going to go over is to breathe. And I love this group because we have Jason in the back right here, who's done such an amazing job. I love being in groups and environments where there's so much pre framing and people are ready to go with breathing. And what I'm gonna try to do is take that breathing, how do we bring it into our high stake environments, how do we get that artistic side with our breathing and start connecting those dots into those high stake situations. So here's just some basic takeaways is you wanna elongate your breath, especially the exhale, because that stimulates the parasympathetic nervous system, which is really where we wanna be in our rest and digest. So rest and digest. We want to slow down and elongate that breath, especially the exhale. Because at the end of the day, our breath is the entry point to increase our life force energy and really have that essence that we're looking for. And as you've heard, I'm sure from Jason too, but a lot of different cultures talk about this. In ancient wisdom we have ki mana, prana, chi. And so it's understanding that there is this thing called energy. And how does that we have this access point of our breath and using that and to be able to slow down. And the big thing that you're looking for is to have that alignment, embodiment and congruency. Our breath is connected to so many things. It's connected to how we look at our values, which creates our beliefs and attitudes, which creates our thoughts, emotions, actions, behavior and our words and how we have clarity and how we execute. So slowing down and being able to body your breath really gives you that range of what we want to look at. So something to looking at your breath, a part of my background experience, probably thinking like, okay, she's teaching us negotiation sales. Why is she slowing down? Talking about meditation and breathing. And so something that happened to me over 14 years ago as I was a corporate sales executive and I was also a competitive triathlete. I was in two consecutive accidents where I had to rebuild my whole entire body and relearn how to walk. And it was a crazy time and literally I didn't know what to do. It was one of those things and it's something you could relate to too. When you're in a situation where the difficult things become simple that you're not. You just don't know how to navigate. You've had these strategies your whole life and you don't know what to do. And so I wanted to give contribute to some teachers that I met along the way that taught me this information. Narazi Magnolia he was my first teacher coming out of these accidents where I could barely walk. And if it wasn't for this man, I probably wouldn't be here today. And he was a huge believer in Tai Chi and qigong and yoga and he even got me to live in an ashram in India where I had, I had a lot of healing and going through my breath work. I also studied with Harada Roshi for over 10 years doing silent meditation retreats in Japan and all over. And he taught me just the connection of our breath and how that is connected on all different levels and what we can do with it. And then I also wanted to highlight just one more person was our two people, Katherine Bitsmorris and Saul. And I did voice work for three years because I had major PTSD after my accidents. And so what I wanted to do is just go over some basic things you want to do with your breath. So you want to speak at the top of your inhale. So when you're in high stake environments, you want to be able to be at the top of your inhale so that you have that range with your exhale. And you can be able to do a lot of different things with your voice. So it's something to practice. You want to also do a 360 degree breath. Most people do 180 degree breath. And so you want to use your whole entire body, your lungs are in your back. And so to be able to do.

That.

And you want to do four to seven cycles of breath cycles a minute. So something to focus on there as well. Most people do 14 to 17 breath cycles per minute and this is all to increase being in the present moment. So breathing. The next thing we're going to go over, the number two thing is listening. So remember we have three step approach, so listening and that is really looking at the levels of listening and breaking that down. And so the levels of listening. The first level is level zero, which is really no listening at all it's no listening, speaking only. How many people have been that experience? When you're in a conversation, you're not really even in that conversation. So it's something to slow down and look at. What level are you at? Level one is looking at subjective listening. This is all about the listener and their agenda. And this is where 80 to 90% of people are and this is where, where they're taking their reality through their filter and reacting to it. Level two is looking at listening and not being in the present moment, when you start slowing down and looking at the how and coming out of this to be present. A lot of times we're thinking about the past or thinking about the future or something that is on our mind or what we're going to say. And so it's being able to slow down five minutes a day and just being present with our breath and remember elongating, especially the exhale. Level three is objective active listening. So being able to objective active listen is really about problem solving. It's looking at the facts versus the story. How can we get to the solution? What is actually going on here? We can move it forward, which is great in work environments. Level four is looking at intuitive listening. And this is where you're taking all five of your senses. So that's visual, auditory, kinesthetic, augustatory and you're able to see, see what's happening in between the lines. Because most of the time we're in these surface structures and we want to get to the deeper structures. So you want to slow down and be able to actually ask questions and look at how this all connected. And so within listening we have the levels. And then it's also looking at active listening and looking at things like it seems it sounds what I've heard and then asking is that right? And with that asking questions. So these are some of my favorite questions just to go through this quickly to wrap up questions you want to ask when you're in negotiations because it's really about the other person and listening. So what does success look like? What are you looking for specifically? Tell me the next step in the process. Tell me how you make decisions. These are all really great questions to ask. So here's a summary of that. Take a picture. And so it's about practicing intuitive listening and elongating your breath in low stakes situations so you can do it in high stakes situations. And the last area I want to talk about is connection because that really, when you're able to breathe, listen, we're all looking to have deep connection and so deep connection starts with us being able to slow down and connecting to ourselves first. So how do we do that? How do we connect to ourselves first? And how do we look at kindness, empathy and compassion for ourselves first and then we're able to do for others? Because most of the things that happen, that happen is that when in most cases, anything we do to ourselves, we do to others. So it's being able to slow down and be able to connect with ourselves first. Because at the end of the day we're meaning making machines because that's what we do on unconscious levels. We're making meaning out of our experience and events. And I'm always curious what other people are meaning and making out of their events. And so understanding meaning is how do we bring the heart and the mind together? And when we're talking to people and connecting with them, that we might be talking about something and agree on something, but it might mean something different. So how do we slow down and actually ask what do you mean by what you're saying? Or what do you mean by this? So you can connect on those deeper structures I was talking about and so you can move the conversation forward and actually get to the heart of the matter of what's most important. And then just really quickly, I think people know about verbal and non verbal communication because it's such a huge component of connection. You have physiology. We already talked about breathing and posture and being able to do conscious gesturing. You have tonality. And what I want you to take away from this is tonality. The most two important things is volume and speed. So having that range, especially when you elongate the breath, you're able to do that. And then you have your words, which is only 7%. Everyone's always surprised by this, and I know some people have seen this before. And so it's looking at predicates, which is your verbs, keywords, common experiences and content chunks. And so just to look at this all together, which is always interesting to me, that 93% of communication is so non verbal. And so slow down and really connect to all those different aspects of how we're communicating. And to wrap up, it's looking at intonation patterns. So especially when you're in big deals and you're negotiating or you're in a difficult conversation with your spouse or your loved ones, when you're getting to certain important parts, especially when you're closing, for instance, you really want to be aware of your pitch. So where you do naturally go upwards sometimes when it's a little awkward, or uncomfortable or do you go flat or neutral or a command? So for instance, I'm working with a security company right now that is pretty high up. They're doing a lot for Ukraine and they work a lot with the DoD and military. And so one of my CEOs and clients, we have to work on his intonation pattern of doing a command language because military is very command like language at the end of a sentence. So these are just some things to think about. So what you can do is in your next high stakes environment or negotiation or high stakes conversation, you can breathe better, listen better and connect better. And what I imagine for all of you is to slow down and in that next conversation or negotiation that maybe the last time it didn't go the best way did. But for some reason this time with having that right approach and thinking about these three things, everything comes into place.

What I'm going to talk about today is how to use ethical influence and persuasion to get more people to say yes. And you know, usually when I talk about this kind of stuff, most people are focused on marketing. I teach a lot of people about copywriting and marketing and sales, face to face sales and things like that. But one of the things I want you to know is this is not just about business, which I think is really fitting for Genius Network. These are the kinds of things that you can use in everyday life. And you know, a lot of times when, when I speak, I get people that, you know, they want to know the magic words. I'm an NLP guy, right? It's all about linguistics. They're like, tell me the right sentence to say for this and you know, this and that. It kind of reminds me of, you know, back when I've been pagan used to do the double your dating thing. You know, I was an affiliate for his probably 20 years ago and he would guy, he would get guys all the time going, tell me the pickup lines. What do I say to girls to make them like me? And he would say, I'm not going to teach you pickup line. I'm going to teach you how to be a better man. Then you'll naturally be more, more attractive. And that's kind of the, you know, I thought about all the things that I could teach in, you know, 25, 30 minutes today. And that's kind of the tack that I'm going to take is I'm going to go a bit meta on influence and persuasion and you'll be able to apply this to anything that you do. It's not necessarily about the Individual language patterns. There are a lot of them. You can learn language patterns. This is more going to be about how to think about how you speak to people in a way that will get them to say yes in every area of life, every context of life. So I'm kind of new to Genius Network. You know, my wife Kayla and I, we joined in January. Don't know a lot of people yet, so I'll just spend a second kind of telling you where I came from and how I got here. This is where it all started for me. Back in 1995, I started a company called Liquid Mirror Software. I was what we affectionately called, back in the day, a shareware author. Try before youe Buy Software. And I actually got into business for a really weird reason. I was 20 years old. I was fresh off the streets being homeless, and my girlfriend, who I'd only been dating for a few weeks, got pregnant. And I had no ambition in my life. I didn't have a high school degree. I didn't have really any skills other than the fact that I was a hobbyist programmer. And I knew I needed a career. I knew I needed to take care of this new human being that was coming into the world who's about to turn 30, which is crazy to me. And I was a security guard making $6 an hour, which was a lot of money for me. I mean, I think minimum wage at the time was 4:50. So $6 an hour is like, wow. I was making it and I knew I needed to do something. And really programming was the only skill that I had. And this new thing had been coming out called Internet programming. You didn't need a degree to get into it, but everywhere I went, I would give them my resume and they'd say, well, you don't have experience. Come back when you have experience. Nobody would hire me. And after probably 20 or 30 interviews, I was finally like, how am I going to get experience if nobody hires me? And I came up with this idea. What if I came up with my own software company and I publish my own software title and then put that on the resume? Then. Then I've got experience and people will have to hire me. And I had this little program that I had written. It was called Send to Anywhere. And it was a file utility, would help you copy and move files around in Windows. And I published that out there. And really it was the only purpose was to get it on the resume. And it took off and it did really well. And it did help me get my first job. And then that was My side gig for a number of years and, and about a year later I started getting featured in newspapers, magazines and I started realizing I should really figure out how to market this thing. Maybe I don't have to have a day job. And so that's where I used to get these 3M floppy disks at CompUSA and duplicate them and put the stickers on them. That's where I started. That was my first website back in 1995. That was my earthlink.net free 10 page website that I had there. It was beautiful. I ended up with a better one later started one of the very first shareware networks. If you ever downloaded shareware software in the late 90s and, and 2000s, you probably downloaded from one of my sites called the Shareware Junction Network. Had one of the very first file hosting companies out there. SW Mir years ago. In 1998, everything changed. I was at the county fair in Orange County, California and my friends and I would go there every year primarily to see the stage hypnotist, a guy named Mark Usik. And I think he's one of the best stage hypnotists on the planet. I was sitting there in the audience and enjoying the show like I did every year. I mean, we would go pretty much just to see him. But I didn't believe in hypnosis. I thought it was all, you know, a put on. I thought the people on stage were drunk or, or idiots or just paid to be on stage or something like that. But I love the show. But at the end of the show he was selling these tapes and he's going, step right up, step right up, get your tapes. Three for $20. And all I wanted. I didn't believe in hypnosis. I was super skeptical, very logical guy and you know, I believed the kind of hypnosis that they put out in Hollywood and cartoon, you know, cartoons where people are sort of controlling others and their eyes, you know, spin and stuff like that. But I had 20 bucks in my pocket and I just really wanted to hear what was on these cassette tapes. So I walked up and I said, you know, I'll take it, slap down my $20 bill. He goes, which ones do you want? I looked down in the case and the first one that jumped out at me was quit smoking. At that time, 1998, I was 25 years old. I was smoking three packs of cigarettes a day. And I was hopelessly addicted to cigarettes from the time that I graduated high school and really got some freedom being out of the house a lot. I really Just started smoking more and more and more. By the time I was 21, I was smoking three packs a day. There was a time where I actually rolled cigarettes, and I would smoke filterless cigarettes just to get even more of a rush out of it. And I tried everything I could to quit smoking. Nothing worked. So I bought this silly little tape about three weeks later at home. I popped it in and listened to it. The curiosity finally got to me and everything changed. I woke up the next morning and never touched another cigarette again. I barely had a thought of a cigarette after that night that I literally fell asleep listening to the tape. And it was so effortless for me to quit smoking that it actually took me three days before I realized that something had changed. And it dawned on me that I hadn't had a cigarette in 72 hours. And that was the moment when I went down a rabbit hole, that I'm still going down rabbit holes. I fell in love with the subconscious mind and how it works. I started reading everything that I could find on hypnosis. That led me to neuro, linguistic programming, social psychology. And in 1998, it really began to fuse into my marketing. And I began to play around with these ideas of things like conversational hypnosis and embedded commands and anchoring and using these things in my marketing to such an extent that by 1999, 2000, I was actually writing copy for other people. I'd never been trained as a copywriter. I'd read some books, of course. The Joe Sugarman book was the one that really got me started. If anybody's ever read that, if you've never read that, it's definitely one of the top books to read on copywriting, slippery slide principle, and really helping other people as well. And it was great because working with other people, I could really see the objective change in their results just by adding a few things. Sometimes I wouldn't even rewrite their copy for them. I would just change a few things or put a little embedded command in that, you know, was almost already there. And I just became fascinated with this. So my. In 2000, I became certified as a hypnotherapist. 2001, NLP. I ran a practice for many years. I'm still a coach till today we run a coaching practice. But my real love, like my passion, is fusing together, you know, NLP and hypnosis and psychology with marketing. Because I really think it's all the same thing. And I think a lot of times people think that marketing is about creative writing, whereas in. In my mind it's all about hypnosis, it's all about suggestion, it's all about really getting to the subconscious mind. So today I'm the owner of Transform Destiny, we're the top NLP training company in North America. And also with my wife I co own Transform Destiny and also with my wife I co own Influence to Profit. And that's where we teach heart centered business owners ethical influence and persuasion. I think the most important word of that is ethical because I find that most people who are heart centered business owners, they have something that's going to transform the world in one way or another or at least transform a life, help a person out and they just don't know how to get that message across. And that's what I'd love to do, is to help people, number one craft that message and then number two amplify it. Teach them how to get that out there. Here's the problem. We live in a high saturation world. This is I think in the last two, two and a half years, even ever more so a problem. Seth Godin predicted this 22, 23 years ago, right that the Internet was going to change everything about how people consume, about how people learn that we are so saturated with, I mean just messages, but most of them it's, you know, it's been estimated that we see between 30 and 90,000 marketing messages. A remember the first time I heard that I thought well that's ridiculous, we don't see that. And then I realized well my computer says Microsoft on it, is focused right on my thing here. I've got burgers, bagels on my coffee. We probably do if not tens of thousands. We're continually saturated by information and by choices. People are overwhelmed, they're skeptical and they're cynical. And here's the problem with that. The subconscious mind, which really is the number one player when it comes to getting people to buy things, it takes the path of least resistance. If given two options and one is easier or quicker or has less resistance, the unconscious mind will tend to pick that one. And this is where a lot of people's procrastination comes from is people set up situations where the easier thing to do is to not do what they have to do. And the unconscious mind will always influence you in that direction. The result is this. These days people's default answer is just no. It is literally the easiest thing a person can say. And it really doesn't matter how good your intentions are or how good your product or your service is. The fact is that most people will probably reject you, especially if you're only trying to sell to the conscious mind, which is what most business owners and marketers do. So the solution is to learn how to ethically influence and persuade people you interact with. Really, I think all business is about influence and persuasion, but more importantly, it's that word, ethical. Right? And so we do this by learning how to speak directly to the subconscious mind. This is something I've been fascinated with now for 24 years, and I've dedicated, really my whole life to this. Now, people used to think that in order to speak to the subconscious mind, you had to have a pendulum or a hypno disc, and you had to have a person with spooky eyes that would look at you and speak in a soft voice, like what was the old Taco Bell dog, right? You're getting very hungry if you remember the Taco Bell hypnosis commercial. And the fact is that's not true, right? Formal hypnosis or formal trance is something that is very useful when it comes to doing change work. If you need to quit smoking, lose weight, drop a bad habit, gain a good habit, let go of fears, any of that kind of stuff. Formal trance is great for that. But in 1951, Milton Erickson, who was one of the greatest psychiatrists on the face of the earth, he was also a hypnotist. He sort of made the announcement that you don't need formal trance to speak to somebody's subconscious mind. The subconscious mind is always listening as long as you know how to speak to it, Right? Now, usually when I bring this kind of stuff up, people go, wait a minute, hang on. You're talking about like, you know, digging into people's minds. And isn't this all just manipulation? Aren't you, aren't you trying to force people to do things against their will? Well, the fact is this. If we look up the definition of to manipulate, it's a transitive verb. And the definition essentially is to move, especially in a skillful manner. I think all language moves people. Sometimes it moves people elegantly, sometimes it moves people sloppily, sometimes it. It barely moves people. But really, when we communicate with people, we're trying to move them in one way or another. We're trying to move them from one state to another state, from one decision to another decision, from maybe where they are physically in. In one place to another place, right? We're always trying to move people when we speak. And wouldn't it be great to do that in a skillful manner rather than what most people do, which is, you know, most people, they learn most of their language between 5 and 8 years old. In terms of learning how to speak. Most of that you learn between like 5 and 8 years old. And then beyond that, the only thing we tend to do to add to our language is just to learn vocabulary, just to learn new words. Most people don't actually invest time in learning how to skillfully use language, which is a very powerful skill.

Hey, I hope you're enjoying this video.

And I want to let you know that I have a new book that's.

Come out and if you'd like to get it absolutely free, there's a link.

Below in the description or you can.

Wait till the end of this video.

Or you can Simply go to joe'sfreebook.com.

And you can get a copy there. But here's the thing. Manipulation isn't the issue, right? What really is the issue is intent. What is a person's intent when using these words, right? When people talk about the word manipulation, usually what they're talking about is a win lose situation. So I think when it comes down to it, when it comes to influence and persuasion, especially intention and integrity is a big part of it. And this is why the ethical part of influence and persuasion is so important. Can these techniques be used to create a win lose situation or what we might call a manipulation of other people? Of course they can. But all language can do that, right? You don't need, you don't even need skill to manipulate people. Just a black heart. There are people who manipulate all the time just with the English language, right. It doesn't even necessarily require skills. So here's the thing. The challenge with creating win lose situations and there are unfortunately there are people out there who use neuro linguistic programming and win lose ways. Most of us know what their reputation is. Unfortunately they've kind of dirtied the reputation of neuro linguistic programming where there is a lot of positive that you can take from that. The challenge with creating win loose situations is you may get them to say yes but then they never trust you again. Now I've been in this business that I'm in right now transform destiny for 22 years. I have people who've been buying from me for nearly that long right to me. And I'm passionate about what I do. I didn't get into business to make money. I got into business because I love what I do. I go down these rabbit holes and I'm compelled to do this. It's my purpose. And then money is the result of It. But there are some people who are primarily money driven and they try to use these kinds of tactics and techniques, but they backfire because that person will only ever buy from you once and will probably poison other people to not buy. It's not influence, it's just tricking people. So real influence creates relationships that thrive and flourish for both parties as they grow. And I would even stretch that to say that I think that real influence is leadership. If you truly. And Joe's a great example of this. Right. Joe went through his recovery and, and got well himself and now he helps other people recover. Can you imagine if a person was still stuck in their addiction and charging other people to help them not be addicted? Right. That, that's. It doesn't work well. And that's not to say that it can't work. And that's not to say that there aren't some people who are, you know, pretenders. We were talking about imposter syndrome. I always find it funny that the people who should feel imposter syndrome don't. And all the people who are really the good, genuine, kind people who really can help people are the ones that feel imposter syndrome syndrome. Right. I think that the true influence is about leadership. Right? So that means walking your talk, believing in what you sell. And that of course goes even further into making you a more influential person. When you are fully and 100% congruent behind what you're selling, that makes other people want to follow. So really, in essence, ethical influence makes you an excellent communicator. So if you look at the mind, there's a lot of misconceptions about the conscious mind, subconscious mind. A lot of people say we only think with 10% of our mind. It's actually nowhere near that. If you look at the research, and a lot of this comes from knee high chicks and Mahali. The conscious mind actually only makes up 0.006% of the mind. It's 6/1000 of 1% of the mind. The conscious mind is the other 99.994%. The conscious mind is logical and analytical, which is how a lot of people try to sell and market. Whereas the conscious, the unconscious mind or subconscious mind is emotional, organic. The conscious mind is in charge of accepting or rejecting what it encounters, whereas the subconscious mind is in charge of desire. The problem with trying to sell to the conscious mind is this conscious mind is like one of those funny guards that you see if you've ever been to England and you've been to Buckingham palace, you get the guards, by the way, don't ever touch them. They're badasses. They will kick your ass hard. Other than that, they won't look at you or move, but they have permission if you touch them to really mess you up. The conscious mind is kind of like one of those guards. It's standing guard outside the gate and it's the gatekeeper. It's the guard that you see at the royal palace. Its job is to filter out the environment and to keep out suggestions. That's really the job of the conscious mind, right? The intention is supposed to be a good thing, but often it's not. Very often it's our conscious mind that prevents us from achieving what we want in our own lives, from, from taking that chance and falling in love or from buying the thing that we know is going to help us from starting a business or whatever it is. A lot of times it's the conscious mind that gets in the way and rejects the wrong things. And so what we have to do, we have to learn how to bypass that gatekeeper, right? And if you do, you have access to the vast majority of the mind that's in charge of desire, which is where all buying decisions are made. And there are people who go, what if I'm B2B? What if I'm selling to corporations? Well, you're still selling to a human. Somebody said this at the last, the last genius network mastermind, which is, you know, it's still H2H. It doesn't matter if it's B2B or B2C or anything else like that. If you're selling to another human being, desire is always part of the equation. Now it may not be the desire of oh, I want this fancy car, but it may be the desire of I want to make this good purchase decision so that I get praise from my boss and other people think that, you know, I'm a good worker. So there's always desire as part of the, part of the equation. So accessing and communicating with subconscious mind is the key to great marketing and sales. And really the number one thing is desire. It's the driving factor in all sales and marketing. So what I'm going to present to you now, I'm going to kind of go meta on influence. Instead of giving you language patterns, I want to teach you how to think about what you say so that you can choose the language patterns that you probably already know. And this will help you in your copywriting and face to face sales and your relationships. My first, by the way, guinea pigs when it came to hypnosis and nlp, were my kids, right? My son was five, my daughter was three. And, you know, using this in my everyday life was how I really began to start to get good at it before I ever even introduced it into business.

What we'll do, I'm going to quickly show you this, knowing that this could open up a bazillion questions. But I'm not going to do a whole bunch of questions. What I'm going to do is just paint a picture of where I'm going to do my best to reinvent the way that things are sold using methodologies that already exist out there. Using crowd sourcing. Not crowdfunding, but crowd sourcing sites like Fiverr.com, freelancer.com, Elance 99 Design Tongo for Video Topcoder. There's a lot of crowd sourcing where you get the crowd to do stuff. Now there's a site called Freelancer.com and they had a Expose our logo contest. This is a two minute video and they basically put up. This is the second contest they did. The first contest, they put up money and they had all these people do all kinds of stuff to show their banner, their logo, videotape it, upload it it and share it. And whoever did the best job won $25,000. So all of the footage that you're about to see, all of these people, many of them in Asia and Europe, did this for nothing. They actually worked to go trying to win $25,000. So what I want you to envision is you have something that you want to sell instead of paying for advertising. What if you actually just put up money or a prize or a vacation and you incentivize people. Like, I know one of the things you diabetes, you want a community. You find the top people that have cured diabetes for their children, put up a prize. Whoever has the best story, the best, I mean, you can crowdsource anything. So one of the things I'm helping Tony Robbins is going to put up a million dollars and probably his Rolls Royce for a contest that I'm developing with him. Peter Diamandis. We're going to put together a contest, a sugar contest with JJ Virgin. So there's all kinds of things that I'm working on and we're throwing mud against the wall in a lot of ways. But I just want you to see what people will do for something not even sophisticated, like expose our logo and go and show this in my. I need a Kleenex. Oops. Let's start that bad boy. Even the rap song was part of the contest.

Telling that kind of stuff I can do. I can migrate my projects.

I.

Sleeping I'm working my code so clean I could be the MVP virtual team with the six figure skills and the three figure price tag. Clicking in check from the web to the iPad, iPhone, mobilize, mobilize apps using tokenized services, using PHP and I can do it at a fraction of cost. Guarantee that expose the freelancer. Com logo Silver.

That's the model. Shoot, upload and share win25. Now if they would have had to pay people to do all of that, how much do you think it would have cost them? I mean, how the hell would they have even organized it? It would have taken. And what did they do? They held a contest. They incentivized people to do it. They went out to their own pre existing list and they got a shit ton of exposure. So I saw that stuff and I'm sitting there thinking, man, so many of you know I'm Richard Branson's largest fundraiser. So I do trips to Necker island every year. But I'm kind of bored with them now. So this year I'm not going to do. I'm going to let Yannick Silver do the trip until we can go to a different place. Because even Sean married someone.

I mean, he did the ceremony, whatever you call it. I mean, I try to stay away.

From the marriage stuff.

Yes.

But you know, Virgin Galactic was actually created because of a contest, because of crowdsourcing. And so Peter Diamandis In 2004, he had the X Prize Foundation. Have you guys heard of the X Prize? Okay, do you know where X Prize the name came from?

X.

It took him so many years to find a sponsor. The name of the sponsor was supposed to be in front of the prize, but the X just ended up sticking. So it became X Prize.

But he came up with the idea.

To do an incentivized thing when he read the Spirit of St Louis about Lindbergh, you know, flying across the Atlantic, you know, Spirit of St. Louis. And the year that they put up a $25,000 prize for him to fly, you know, for, you know, people to fly across the Atlantic, you know, Lindbergh won and basically the year that, that year there were 6,000 flights for private. Private planes. Private planes. But for Atlantic flights, after he flew successfully and won the prize, the following year they sold 180,000 tickets. The industry increased 30 fold because of an incentivized prize. So if you want to Dramatically launch anything that you're doing. You can sit and try to get creative, write powerful copy, but let the inmates run the asylum. So I started thinking, how many of you have ever used fiverr.com? okay, so Fiverr is like one website. Although you can use 99designs, there's all kinds of things that you can do. But I was sitting there thinking, okay, so what if you put up $10,000, you got a book that you want to sell or some sort of whatever educational program, but it would probably work for anything, and you want people to do things to help promote it. So for 10,000, you can get 2,000 unique things done for five bucks a pop. Right? Now, let's say 95% of them are all crap, but there's 50 of them that are awesome, that just exceed all expectations. And so you can get people to tweet their list, to send out a Facebook message, to do a one minute animated video, to do a voiceover, to take a picture of your book or your company name in a weird location on a roller coaster, whatever. And whoever does the best job doing whatever your goal is, whatever you're going to incentivize them, what you want them to do here, in this particular case, it was Expose our logo. But whatever you want them to do, like, I need to get in touch with someone. Whoever gets me in touch with this person, like Oprah to call me, wins 10 grand. I'll put $10,000. Whatever you just come up with.

Shit.

All these people are working on 99designs and Fiverr and Freelancer trying to just get money anyway. It's a commerce site. They're just trying to get paid for their skills. But what you're doing is you're incentivizing them to do a really badass job. Imagine someone's getting paid five bucks to do something and they have an opportunity if they do the best job, to win ten grand, that will change their life. So I was sitting there thinking, if I took the $360,000 I spent on full page ads last year And I took 10% of that money, $36,000, and I allocated 10,000 for a prize, another 10,000 to get stuff done and just tested it, there's no way in hell that's not going to sell a boatload of stuff.

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