The Traps of Speaking - Create Greater Impact When You Speak feat. Mike Domitrz

See, the speaker impacts by digging into your wounds, into your pain point. So much so that the audience has a codependency relationship with a speaker when they walk off stage. They must buy your book because they're in a place of pain or hurt. You left the audience in a deficit from where they walked in. It is unfair, it is manipulative to do that. To empower means I am a better human being the moment you finish speaking than I was before I started talking. Now what's the difference? Well, if you get surveys after you speak, this is what you're going to love. If you fall into the first two categories we mentioned, you're going to love comments like, well, the best speech ever, the speaker was a 10 out of 10. Notice who they're both about. The audience isn't even talking about themselves in the post event survey. What does it look like when you impact and empower more words like you're about to see on that screen.

Imagine each time you're hired to speak, your audience is annoyed that they have to attend. Some are close to being enraged. Picture talking to 15 year olds about asking first before kissing someone and then hours later being the subject matter expert for top generals and admirals in the US military, revealing specific steps for them to transform their culture sexually. Yeah, you heard that right. The sexual culture of the US Military. When it comes to respect and sexual consent, Mike Domish has been one of the most sought after experts, authors and speakers for over two decades for K12 schools, universities and the US military across the globe. You may have seen Mike on NBC Dateline as a featured subject matter expert or being quoted in international news publications such as Forbes and the Wall Street Journal. After having worked with some of the most challenging audiences and venues, Mike has seen it all. In 2002, Mike founded the center for Respect, which conducts educational training sessions for thousands of people each year. You may remember his 201910 minute talk where he shared a simple way to prove your effectiveness with any audience and gain priceless content for yourself in just two minutes of every speech. Today he also loves coaching mission driven entrepreneurs how to be more impactful from the stage. In this 10 minute talk, he is going to share a common mistake authors, influencers and entrepreneurs make when speaking. Mike's title is the Traps of Speaking. Please welcome Mike Dawmesh.

Thank you Jay. Thank you sir.

Thank you.

Sorry, I'll pick up. There you go sir.

It's a great way to take someone on. Just drop stuff and do you have a.

Yes, I'll pull that up Here. Perfect.

Thank you.

We'll get that going here. All righty. Alrighty. Why do you speak? When you get an opportunity to speak, whether it's to a podcast, a stage, live, virtually live on site, why do you speak? Now, some of you in here are going to tell me. Well, Mike, I love the juice from the audience. I love the standing ovation. It just pumps me up. Right? That's a lot of people in this room. All those of you are like, what? No, no, no, it's about the money. How many books get sold back of the room? How many people sign up for my services after I speak or the check I get when I walk on that stage? Both of those are not focused on your audience. Some of you will say, but Mike, no, no, no, no. If I sell lots of books, that's going to help my audience. Yeah, but your goal when you walked on stage was to make money for you. Your focus was you. Even if you took all the I's out of your speech because of what you were focused on, the focus. Biggest mistake people make by far is they've got the wrong focus when they walk in front of the room. The wrong focus. What's the right focus to impact and empower? Mike, I got to impact. I know we're always taught to impact, but what do you mean by empower? Well, here's the sign. You didn't empower. Have you ever been to a big event? You've seen what I'm about to see happen. See, the speaker impacts by digging into your wounds, into your pain point. So much so that the audience has a co dependency relationship with a speaker when they walk off stage. They must buy your book because they're in a place of pain or hurt. You left the audience in a deficit from where they walked in. It is unfair, it is manipulative to do that. To empower means I am a better human being the moment you finish speaking than I was before I started talking. Now what's the difference? Well, if you get surveys after you speak, this is what you're going to love. If you fall into the first two categories we mentioned, you're going to love comments like, well, the best speech ever, the speaker was a 10 out of 10. Notice who they're both about. The audience isn't even talking about themselves in the post event survey. What does it look like when you impacted in power? More words like you're about to see on that screen. Like for instance, how about this? Real. Because it was real to my life. Life changing. Because I changed my life. Because of something you shared. Everything's about the audience. It enriched me as a human being because of what you shared with me today. That's what we're looking to do when we step on a stage. And by the way, that will sell you more books, that will bring you more clients. You just don't focus on those things when you're doing this work. So what does it look like when you have these conversations? How do you impact and empower? First of all, we got to know what you need to impact and power. And there's three things we need if we're going to impact and empower, and that is timing, quantity, and the formula. Now, what do I mean by timing? Look, timing is everything. Timing is everything. I'll give you an example of bad timing. You see it a lot with slides, and what it is, is a person will say, hey, I'm about to give you the slide. Gave it away instead. The slides talking. Wait, wait. The audience isn't ready for this yet. Because you're not going to buy in. Because I'm talking while it's saying it. How many are frustrated right now while I'm doing it to you? Because you don't know who to look at right now? Because that's talking while I'm talking about the same things I'm talking. It happens all the time. And here's why you chose to use the slides as your guide, because you don't know what you're saying on stage. I'm just being honest.

Hey, I hope you're enjoying this video. And I want to let you know that I have a new book that's come out, and if you'd like to get it absolutely free, there's a link below in the description. Or you can wait till the end of this video, or you can Simply go to joesfreebook.com and you can get.

A copy of the There. You got chosen to make an impact, not to show how much you know by following a guideline in front of you. You should know your material before you ever walk in front of that stage. It is critical. Now compare that to this timing. Watch this slide now. Here I'm going to intentionally try to make a point and reinforce it with a slide. For instance, Joe Polish is brilliant. Now, of course, Joe didn't say that. I said that. But notice what happened. A few people just snickered. They laughed. Why did they snicker and laugh? Anyone in the room, why'd they snicker and laugh? Because it was Joe, right? If I don't Let that sit for a second. You don't have time to recognize, hey, that was a little play on words, a little something he could do with that to catch our attention. Go. Did Joe really say that? Now some of you are going, Joe's capable of saying that, but no, I'm not going to take a shot like that at Joe. Of course not. So that's a way you could use humor. By the way, how clean is the slide? Right, super clean. We're not trying to overload information. Some of you are going, well, that's for humor, maybe, or to catch their attention. What do I do if I really want to bring home a point? So I'm going to ask all of you a question right now. I ask every audience I speak in front of, and I want you to answer from your heart what you believe to be true. If what I'm about to say is true, you're going to yell every. If it's not, you won't. Those live virtually. You're going to type it in the chat. If you agree with what I say. Here we go. Does every human being deserve a basic level of dignity and respect? If you agree every human being deserves that at some level, just yell. Every human. Yeah. And every means every. Not 99%. Not anybody except our enemy. Now let's pause about what's happening on the slide. It brings home the message while inviting you into my Instagram. Because it's my Instagram shot, it's an actual message we shared on Instagram. So you get to reinforce your message and invite your audience into your community. Have a relationship with you long term, because you do care about the audience. You want that long term relationship. So those are examples of timing. Now some of you go, well, then, what's an example of quantity? Well, we've all seen this too. Remember that? And we're flying, flying, flying, flying. There's tons of information, tons of information. And the slide looks the same way. This is a real slide from a presentation I followed. Real slide, massive overwhelm. Somebody going, I would never do that. We never do that, Mike. I keep it simple, I keep it short. I talk about one thing and only one thing in those 10 minutes. And now we are confused because you didn't give us enough information. Here's how we know you didn't give us much information or too much. We have way too many questions. When you're done speaking and you think you rocked it because everybody's asking questions, the fact is, when you get really good, you'll pay attention to all the questions they were asking you afterwards. And you will answer them. Because in the talk. Because here it works with Genius Network, because we're going to get that Q and A sometimes. So that person's doing a brilliant thing by doing it in this moment, right? So, Klossen, you did a great job of that because you knew you had the Q and A coming. But if you only had an hour keynote with no Q and A, are the same results the same thing? Because they're going to be leaving the room. And you get it. You agree with me. Like, yeah, I don't want them leaving the room with all those questions. I got to be able to answer those questions. So we want to be able to avoid all that confusion. So what's the right quantity? Right here it is three. You don't teach more than three. It's overwhelming. You don't teach less than three. The human brain has been taught to think in threes. Joe Polish is brilliant at this. Elf. What is it? Easy, lucrative and fun. It's all over this room. The power of three. You get this right? So make sure your speeches are in threes. If you have an hour, three lessons. If there's going to be a subplot, only three things under those three, the brain learns. And threes. Now, we got to the timing and we got to the quantity. We are left with the formula. What's the formula when it comes to speaking? Well, let's look at it. First of all, we're going to invite our audience in. We're going to reveal something they didn't see coming, and then we're going to show them the solution. How do you invite? You invite by investigating the audience live in the room. Wait, what do you mean? I was taught I'm supposed to research my audience, know everything about them before I walk in the room. But you don't. You think you know everything about them before you walk in the room. When you're really gifted, you'll walk in the room and start asking questions that your audience genuinely gets to answer. And that will give you all the fuel to reveal the false narratives they are clinging to. See, if you don't get to their false narratives, you could be brilliant and put it on an amazing show. They will never change their life because they walk out with the same false narratives they walked in the room with. You must reveal their false narratives so they're disgusted by them themselves. Like, I don't want to hang on to that thing anymore. And then you give them the show. Then you show the solution because they Want it. They're like, hey, I don't want to be what I was before that false narrative. What's the solution? And you just deliver the solution at that moment. So what does the show look like? Well, nobody wants to see that kind of show, that's for sure. And none of us want to hear about Joe's Tic Tac ever again. Ever again. That's not the kind of shows we're talking about here. Right. We're talking about really showing them how to live the IRS formula. If you didn't catch it earlier, that's irs, folks. Some of you caught it. So I want you to have a positive viewpoint from now on. When you think of irs, you're going to be how I'm going to investigate, how I'm going to reveal and how I'm going to show. And I'm going to do that for you right now. I'm going to take you to my last audience and you're going to become them right here. That audience was ninth graders two days ago in California. 500 ninth graders in a gym. It's a great place to speak. You have 500. They've been told they're going to go to a speaker on sexual assault and rape.

Woo.

We're going to be told how not to rape, what not to do. We don't want to be in the room, just like you heard in the introduction. But they start having fun with me right away, and suddenly they're answering all my questions. We're having this great discovery. I'm about to take you midway through that discussion, I'm going to ask you to answer every question I ask with a verbal response. Because we are in the discussion business, not the telling business. Nobody wants to be told what to do, but they love to have conversations. So I'm going to ask you, and if you're live virtual right now, I want you to be typing away in the chat to every question I ask. And you'll see the rhythm. Even those of you live virtually how common our answers are in these moments. All right, here we go. Two people alone in a sexual intimate moment. First date. They've never kissed before, but they want to. Do most people stop and say, can I kiss you? Or do you think most people just go for it? Which one? Ask first or go for it? Yell it out. Yes, that's what everybody says. Everybody goes for it, right? So why don't we just ask instead of going for it? Give me reasons. Raise your hand. Give me reasons. You think people do not ask why they Instead, go for it. What's that?

Permission.

Permission. What do you mean by permission? In case of rejection. Ah, fear of rejection. Yes. So whatever you do, don't give them a choice. Ooh, that sounds pretty awful, doesn't it? I'm not going to ask you because you might say no, so I'm just going to do it to you. By the way, if you agree that sounds awful, just yell awful. Yeah, even if we did that before today, I think we all know no, we don't ever want to do that again. Right. So fear rejection. We just debunked that. That's a really weak excuse. What's another one? Yes. Yeah, it's going to kill the moment. It's going to ruin the mood. Now, why is that funny? Because that means you actually think you're smooth. The fact is, you're already awkward. We all are. If you've ever been sexually active, you've been awkward. Ever heard of braces, by the way, that gets awkward really fast. You're not afraid of being awkward. You're great at being awkward. Think about how awful it is, though, to think I don't want to be awkward, so I'm going to take a chance to do something awful with their body so I don't look awful. Awkward. Wow. I think we all can agree that's not the approach. We want to be the person we want to be. Right? And by the way, the amazing part is, if you just go for it, you can be awkward and ruin everything and harm someone. That's the difference. So then some of you going, well, then, Mike, what do we do? How do we ask? How do we get to that place? Well, some of you might be thinking, I'm still not sure I want to ask. So I'm going to ask you two questions I ask every audience in the world. Question number one, does every human being deserve a choice before you do something with their body, sexually or intimately? Yes or no? Question number two, how do you normally give somebody choice? You simply ask a question. We all believe in asking first. So how do you ask? First one, look them in the eyes. It should be intimate. Number two, smile. It should be fun. Number three, ask the question. Question. Now, I need a volunteer quickly for this one. Could I volunteer you? Is that okay? Your first name is? Marlon. Marlon, could you step up here? Everybody say, hey, Marlon. Marlon. You're gonna imagine that your partner is right where my hand is. It's more than a tic tac away, though.

So you're okay.

All right, so. So they're gonna Be right there. And on the count of three, we're going to have you ask that person for a kiss as if you're the only two in the world. No one's near you, and you've been wanting to kiss them all night. Are you ready, Marlon? All righty. Let's count to three. Let's count to three for Marlon. One, two, three. All right, give it up for Marlon. Great job. Great job. Easy. Hey, Marlon, do you think that would be awkward if it was happening in the real moment? No. Why not? It's completely natural. Just. Yeah, it's completely natural. Listen to that. Give a big, big round. Marlon did a great, great job. Sit down, Marlon. You did a great job. Marlon, you're gonna get a can I kiss you? T shirt for rocking that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, audience, could it be awkward if you ask yes or no? Sure it could. The better question is, does it matter? Let me prove to you it doesn't. You're alone with someone you want to kiss. You've been wanting to kiss them all night. They lean into you and say, can I kiss you? Are you gonna do this? You asked.

Awkward.

Bloomed it. Or are you gonna be doing a woohoo dance? This is about to happen if greets are woohoo. Yeah. Woohoo. Yes. What did we just do, folks? Those same students who said they'd never ask, remember, we all go for it. What was the formula? We started by asking them questions. We investigated their world, right? And then. Then we revealed. Revealed the false narratives they're hanging onto, right? And then at the very last moment there, we showed them a solution. That's how you get results. And somebody going, mike, how do you know those are results? I think our computer went to sleep on us back here because I was going to show you the results, but let's see if we can bring it back just so you can see it real quickly here. Yep, it did. So here we go. We'll share that again. All right, so there we are. Here are the results. Just quickly, because I'm wrapping up here. So we just went through the formula invite reveal show. Now, I said my last audience, ninth graders. So that is an average audience for me. So is US military. 40 year olds, though. But here's what the results actually look like. 96% of my audiences say they're more likely to ask first. After one hour experience, 95% say they're more likely to intervene to stop sexual assault at a party. 96% say they're more likely to support survivors moving Forward in one hour. That's not about me. That's about focusing on the audience. Like, everyone in this room can do some going. Mike, that's just not enough proof for me. You got to have better proof than that. Well, remember those quotes that looked incredibly powerful earlier? Like, real and bold, enriching. Sounds like something the administrators would say. A general in the US Military would say. Those are the exact quotes from Monday's survey of ninth graders. Not my best stuff. Because that's what you should always be looking to do. Change lives, make an impact. Now it is everybody's in this room's turn to do the same. I've got a workshop for you to make it nice. And workshop worksheet. That's one page.

And.

And you can dive into this formula and start writing your next speech. You can start making your next one more powerful. Maybe you're just going to start with a part of that speech. Notice the survey link. How easy it is. Not SurveyMonkey. MikesGift.com all survey links should be like that. I bought this for this event, but all my events are custom for that. So mikesgift.com, you'll get a worksheet. You can dive right into it, and there'll be a little special surprise for all genius network members on there, because this was an honor, Joe, to have this opportunity. Thank you all very much.

So, would you like to hear from Joel?

Sure. Okay.

All right, Come on up here.

Well, first of all, we've got a.

Can of Tic Tacs.

All right. Excellent.

Very good, Very good.

Can we see if Joe's a gift?

Was that a good speaker? Terrific. Okay. Why? Well, first, he talked about something everybody in this room could use, and he gave you simple things, very clear things. But the most impressive thing that you did is you demonstrated everything that you told us to do. Are you doing that when you make a presentation? Are you showing what you're telling them or asking them to consider doing by you doing it? So this was a very powerful way to drive home that point about timing and then screwing up your timing and showing us how that's not the way to do your slides. Then the power of three. And we've heard this before, but you just made it even clearer doing that. The other thing that you did, and this is usually, don't talk about delivery. But one of the things you really need to think of when you speak is don't keep moving. And if you watch a lot of TED talks and YouTube videos constantly moving, we're back to Live meetings. How tall are you, Patty?

Five.

Two.

Five, two. Cameron, how tall are you?

Six.

Four. Six, four. And she's sitting behind him. What's she trying to do? Look at the speaker. So you move with purpose. You move a lot, but with purpose. You stood over here and you talked to us for a while, then you moved over there. And that's what you need to think of. Involve the audience, but don't keep pacing. Like, I think I can get out that way. Maybe I can get out this way. It shows. Maybe you're nervous. So that was very powerful. And then the audience participation. And you asked him, is it okay?

Yeah, Be a little ironic if the consent guy didn't ask the audience.

That's an example of demonstrating what you do.

That's right. That's right.

And are you doing the same thing? It would be like you, Thaddeus, talking about paying taxes. And you know the reason why I'm so excited about this idea? Because you know how much I paid this year in taxes? You know, I paid $2 million in taxes, and it's killing me. No, I mean, that would be the exact opposite. So this was a great example of that. And then the customizing to tic Tacs or TikToks, putting that in based on what happened yesterday. And that's called being in the moment, recognizing your audience and making it all about them. So since he made it all about you, let's make it all about him one more time.

Thank you, Joel. Appreciate that, Joel. Thank you very much. Appreciate that. That was great.

Okay. I hope you found that video awesome and useful. So if you want to get a free copy of my book, I want you to to click here. And if you want to watch some more videos that will be useful and awesome, click here.

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