Why You MUST NOT Ignore the 5R Process for Resolving Conflicts!

Implementing this 5R process will keep unresolved argument hangovers from ruining the most important relationships in your life. And as Ben Hardy wrote in who Not How Relationships Are the Purpose of Life. So as now a masterful communicator, someone committed to great relationships and great who's, you don't avoid conflict. You seek to shorten your argument hangover period as well as not have them escalate through the things that you say rather than just what the root cause was. And you stay engaged in the conversation. You get more understanding as you see this as opportunity to truly strengthen that relationship and by doing so you can live a truly successful and fulfilling life.

During the next 10 minutes, 46 divorces will take place in the United States alone. That comes to 277 an hour. 6,646 every day, coming to a grand total of over 2.4 million divorces this year alone. I'm sure you know people who have been divorced. Maybe you're one of them. You also might know that one of the main reasons for ending any relationship is arguments. Even if you're single, and especially as a business owner, you could still be getting into arguments with somebody that you care a great deal about and even love. An argument is defined as an exchange of opposing views discussed in a heated or angry manner when emotions arise. Yes, we have all had arguments in our lives and today you're going to learn how to fight smarter. This is being presented by married couple and business partners Jocelyn and Erin Freeman. They are both just beginning their first year as Genius Network members. Their mission in life is to lower the divorce rate and teach people a non boring skills based approach to healthy conflict and communication in this modern world we live in. They are authors of the New Power Couple and the Argument Hangover which hit shelves next month and are aiming to be a best seller. They are sought after relationship coaches that have worked with celebrity couples to public figures to thousands of other couples around the world. They are the creators of the Couples Workshop, a half day online and in person event that is sold out over 42 times because it promises couples will communicate better and resolve conflicts faster in just five hours instead of five months. They have been featured in national media and reached over 800,000 people around the world with modern practical relationship tools to work together through any life challenge. Their title is Fight Smarter. Please help me welcome Jocelyn and Aaron Freeman.

Good morning Geniuses. Relationships are the key to success in your business and in your life. Why is Genius Network the most sought after network and mastermind? Well it's the relationships. But really, why? Why are the relationships themselves so important? Well, as Dan Sullivan and Ben Hardy have shared with us, relationships are your who. And it's the who's in your life that lead to a growing or declining business, a thriving and supportive marriage, or one heading towards divorce. And is the place that you fulfilled the most fundamental need of being connected.

You took my part.

Wait, what?

That was supposed to be my line.

No, I said right before this that I was going to do that part. So you didn't listen. Just go with it.

You always say I'm not listening. That's not true.

No, stop. I can't believe you're doing this in front of genius.

Because I'm not going to be the one to apologize. You always make me apologize.

Well, it's not my fault, so I'm not going to.

Fine. How many of you can relate to having any argument ever with someone close to you? You can go ahead and type in the chat if you have ever had an argument with someone close to you. And then there's the period of time after the argument where you feel disconnected. Both physically, emotionally. You feel upset or hurt by things they said or how they said it. You can even feel guilty for how you acted or how you showed up during the disagreement. We call this the argument hangover. It's that period of time between having an argument and fully resolving it emotionally. Even think about the topics that sparked a disagreement. A lot of times they're not life altering things or things that are actually that important to you. But how you act during the disagreement is what creates that argument hangover period. And how long does that last for you? Is it hours? Days? Weeks? Months? We've heard couples being in argument hangovers till they are able to fully resolve it and reconnect. And here's the thing, as the leaders and entrepreneurs that you are during this argument hangover period, you're not as creative. You're not showing up as the most inspiring leader. You're not modeling the best relationship you could to your children. Right? So the impact of the argument hangover is even beyond how you feel. So then people mostly only see two choices. One, avoid getting into conflicts altogether or avoid that person slowly stop talking to them as much or be more distant from them. Slowly the relationship can dissolve. How many potentially great who's have been eliminated from your life because of the argument hangover?

And this topic is so impactful right now that we were given a book there earlier in this year for the Argument Hangover which actually hit shelves now on February 2nd. So this 10 minute talk is Fighting Smarter 101. And in the next seven minutes you're going to know how to keep argument hangovers from ruining the most important relationships in your life. You're going to have the 5R process to fully repair from any argument hangover and feel prepared to handle any challenge with the certainty that you can strengthen that relationship.

Hey, I hope you're enjoying this video and I want to let you know that I have a new book that's come out and if you'd to like, like to get it absolutely free, there's a link below in the description. Or you can wait till the end of this video or you can Simply go to joe'sfreebook.com and you can get a copy there.

Now, getting honest here and go ahead and type in the chat. Would you consider yourself a great communicator?

We want to know. Type it in the chat.

So give you a second to type that in there. Yes, yes, yes. Sometimes. And honestly, this is a place to be authentic and no judgment here. So taking a look and we have to be honest with all of ourselves, we're a little biased in our own favor because it's easy to communicate when people do what you want them to. So if people are agreeing with you, they're always a yes to your requests. Is that really being a great communicator? See, masterful communicators strengthen relationships when there isn't agreement, when people do not agree with you, when they don't do exactly what you ask them to, when they don't see things your way. Now, Chris Fawson never split a difference. Said, life is a negotiation and negotiation is a game of empathy. So masterful communicators, truly masterful, do not avoid conflicts. They lean into the conversation, they stay in communication and they seek to be more understanding and be more empathetic to use that opportunity to actually strengthen that relationship.

Now, being empathetic sounds nice in theory, but what often happens instead is you do more damage by how you fight than the original cause. And here's something that's important to say for those that think, oh, I don't do damage, I just get quiet. Getting quiet and shutting down can do just as much damage because it isolates the other person. So how do you know that you're doing damage from how you fight? Well, ask yourself things. Do people in your life ever feel conversations go unresolved? Do they ever feel invalidated or misunderstood? Do people ever feel resentment is building up between you? Two important Questions to really reflect on for yourself. The goal, though, is not to avoid conflict, but to shorten the argument hangover period. Now, it's counterintuitive to people to think you shouldn't avoid conflict. No, because conflict is actually where innovation can happen. Conflict is where there can be a deeper level of understanding yourself, the other person. And in romantic relationships, healthy conflict can lead to more intimacy and a deeper connection between you two. So instead of avoiding those benefits, focus on shortening that argument hangover period, which again is how long. You're disconnected, both physically and emotionally. But you need a process for this, a process to repair, because saying I'm sorry is not enough sorry to say hit to you. Sorry about sorry, but saying I'm sorry isn't enough because number one, if you always default to that, it starts to mean less to the other person. And two, it doesn't really show them that anything was learned for there to be change in the future.

That process is the five Rs to repair from a conflict. So the first R is to reflect, request a pause for yourself to consider expectations and the root cause. So here you are in a conversation and it's getting to a place that's really not constructive because you're both really reacting. So I would say to Jocelyn, you know what, I think we just need to take a pause here. We'll come back to this in about two hours. Now, for those of you reflecting, you may also currently be in an argument hangover with somebody else. So you can reflect now about that relationship if you really wanted to strengthen. So what you're going to reflect on is your disappointments because all disappointments in your life and in your relationship come from unmet expectations. Now, often you aren't even aware of your unmet expectations in the moment, so it's not clear to you, so you're not even going to share it. So they go unexpressed. And this is often what causes us to react, to have emotional triggers. So you're reflecting on what expectations that go unmet do I have about myself or this person? And what's the real root cause of either this conflict or being in an argument hangover with this person. So then the second R, while you're taking this personal time is responsibility for the role you played and the impact your actions had. So this person was in a conversation with you, so that means you were a part of it. Now, I know often some of us say, well, it was their fault, they started it. Now, it is not a question of if you had responsibility as a Leader, you will look at where you had responsibility, where you can take responsibility for the actions and, and the things that you said that had the impact on them. Now, it's not a place to say, oh, well, that wasn't my intention, or why did you take it that way? No, can you take responsibility that what you said and what you did had the impact that it did on them and have the responsibility for that?

So the third R, after those first two, which are on your own now, you're coming back to reconnect and you're going to share where you're taking responsibility and validating their perspective. Now, here's what's tricky about this step. That part of us, we can call it the ego in that argument, hangover period, can want to stay distant. You may not feel like reconnecting because you're still frustrated. You still feel like they need to say something to make it better. But the goal here is to reconnect faster. In our experience with thousands of couples, a lot of times the relationship dissolving isn't always because they're fighting too much. You know what it's related to. They're not reconnecting fast enough after a disagreement. And so resentment builds between them the longer that the two of them wait to reconnect. Now, when you come to them, you're not saying, all right, tell me what you learned. Tell me how you're sorry for what happened. You're going to start with, hey, here is where I'm taking responsibility. I reflected here is what I realized and validate their perspective. Was there a place that you were unwilling to acknowledge how they felt or how they saw the situation?

The fourth R is to remind. Remind this person of what your commitment is to the relationship and what your agreements are. So this is the place that also goes, kind of overlooked because we think of relationships at times as the function that serves us. But what is your larger purpose? What is your commitment to that relationship? So I might say to Jocelyn, no, inside of all this, my commitment to you is that you feel supported and that you feel loved. And my commitment to the relationship is that we both live the lives that we know we came here to live.

I'm on board for that.

So sharing your commitment for the relationship as well as reminding of what your agreements are now, right there, you might have thought, well, I don't have agreements for this relationship. Perfect. This is a time to put in place agreements you have between the two of you. And if you do have agreements for, you know, example, Jocelyn and I have agreements in Times of conflict, of not to raise our voice, not to swear and not to turn our back and just leave the room without saying when we'll come back. So we remind each other if we forgot the agreements, or if they're broken, we remind each other to come back to them.

So the fifth R is to reconcile. Reconcile the conflict into opportunity. You can either see conflict as something that shouldn't happen, that tears you apart and you resist it, or. Or you can see conflict as something that leads to more connection, more understanding yourself, healing something between your relationship and those new ideas and solutions can come from that. So together, can you look at what new opportunity showed up because of this disagreement? So let's look at your personal commitment. If you would type in the chat, which step are you going to commit to being even better at in your relationships? Is it reflecting more? Not just brushing things under the rug, but actually reflecting on the disagreement? Is it taking responsibility? Is it aiming to reconnect faster and not letting it be days before you reconnect? Is it reminding people in your life of what you are committed to? Or is it starting to reconcile that conflict is an opportunity instead of something that shouldn't happen? All right, so since it's a little hard to see the chat, I'm going to guess there's a mix of it all. Thank you for typing in the chat.

Now, implementing this 5R process will keep unresolved argument hangovers from ruining the most important relationships in your life. And as Ben Hardy wrote in who not how, relationships are the purpose of life. So as now, a masterful communicator, someone committed to great relationships and great who's. You don't avoid conflict. You seek to shorten your argument hangover period as well as not have them escalate through the things that you say rather than just what the root cause was. And you stay engaged in the conversation. You get more understanding as you see this as opportunity to truly strengthen that relationship. And by doing so, you can live a truly successful and fulfilling life.

Okay, I hope you found that video awesome and useful. So if you want to get a free copy of my book, I want you to click here. And if you want to watch some more videos that will be useful and awesome, click here. Go ahead. They're over here.

Do it now.

Come on. Thank you. Watch them.