Clear the Path Forward to Your Best Possible Future!

Having a great day with me is a super, super special guest now. You know I love surprises. I also love giving you some surprises. With me, one of my dear friends, Dr. Ken Druck, he's going to be joining us on Instagram Live and I'm on Facebook also. We're going to be talking about how do you clear the path, okay, to your best possible future. How many of you have got stuff that's going on in your life right now or stuff that has happened? There's a lot of stuff happening in the world right now, right, Ken?

Unprecedented.

Unprecedented. And all of you on Instagram, you can see what I'm doing here. There's Ken right over there. But he's going to join us on Instagram also. So I'm teaching his team how to ask to join and. Hi Shannon, let's see if we can find Ken and Christine, there's your request right over there and I'm going to accept you right now. So we're going to be streaming live on both platforms right now. Ken is one of the most prolific writers, psychologists in the world today. And whenever there is anything happening in the world like Columbine massacres, what's happening in the Middle east right now, massacres, nine, 11 massacres, when people are having, you know, major challenges in their life. Ken has written numerous best selling books and I thought it would be great for us to have him on today. And we're getting a little reverberation, so that's not fun. See if we can change the reverberation here. We might not be able to do it on all of these platforms. Ken, maybe you can mute yourself on your end on Instagram, just mute your phone. Okay. Second everyone.

How about that?

All right, can you all let me know on Instagram if you can hear me and let me know on Facebook also and all the different.

How's that working?

That sounds great. Perfect.

Okay.

Okay. So one of the discussions Ken and I have been having, Ken lives down the street from me. We were friends for 20 some odd years. How do we go on in our lives when stuff happens in our lives? How do we go on, you know, when there's stuff that's happening all around us. And just so you know in advance, you can go to how we go on.com if you want to find out about Ken's new book, which is how we Go On. It's a phenomenal book which we'll talk about. Ken, you're one of the leading psychologists in the world. You understand trauma, death, heartache, loss, Grief, to name a few things that you specialize in. When people are having a really hard time making sense of. Of, you know, what's going on, what should they be doing?

Well, first. First thing we should be doing is understanding that we are all, not only us, but everybody we know is having some kind of a what now? Moment. Everybody, whether it's on a very deeply personal level, whether it's on a level of relationships or the work we do or what's happening in the world, everybody is going through what now Moment. And what we do in that moment, how we show up. By the way, can you hear extra noise? Okay, so let's get rid of that.

I can, and I've muted. Muted myself from that, but keep going.

Technology is a. Technology is a what now? Moment.

You got it.

Listen, when. When we can't control what's happening around us, we have to control what's happening within us. So we have to have that mental fortitude, all right. To just leave the distractions aside.

So can you hear me now? Without distraction right now?

It's good.

Okay, so, John, the key. Whether it's happening and turn that off, please. Turn the whole thing off. Yeah. The key to facing into the what now? Moment that you and likely every other person you know is going through is, number one, to keep our hand on our heart and our foot off our throat. And what I mean by that is that the way we talk to ourselves can either be on that continuum from harsh self criticism where we admonish ourselves, we criticize ourselves harshly, we deprecate ourselves, we literally prosecute ourselves. It's that voice in us that has gotten into the bad habit of prosecution in a courtroom where there's no judge, jury, or defense attorney that's on one side and the other side is the hand or the hand on our heart, which says, I'm going to show myself kindness, patience, understanding, clarity, strength, and honesty. I'm going to face into and need this moment of truth in my life, this what now? Moment. And I'm gonna. Of course, I don't know what to do right in this moment. How could I possibly know? But I'm gonna hang in there with myself and see this through and make good decisions and clear the path forward. And that's step number one.

I love what you said, you know, take your. Your foot off your throat and put your hand on your heart. How many of you need to take your foot off your throat and condemn yourself and judge yourself and blame yourself and be ashamed of yourself? How many of you need to stop Doing that and having more self love, compassion, empathy. In your book how we Go on, which by the way, thank you for bringing me a copy to my home. Around self compassion and courage. Sometimes it's really hard when the unimaginable happens. Right. Right now, for example, and I'm going to go there and I just did a video on this that I sent to you a little bit earlier, Ken, there. There's unimaginable tragedy happening, you know, in the Middle east right now in Israel with, you know, Hamas, a terrorist organization, coming in and massacring people. And I understand there's been a conflict there since I was a little boy and, you know, was raised in Israel and my parents wanted to leave, leave the wars there. How do people on both those sides, the Palestinians who are innocent bystanders and victims themselves, the Israelis who, you know, were getting ready for breakfast on a Saturday morning and only to find their mothers, fathers, children massacred, heads cut off, how do they go? Like, how do they even begin to go on? And I'm going to say on both sides right now, and I do definitely condemn Hamas as a terrorist organization and is an extreme organization that we should not have to live with. There are lots of beautiful people that are Jews and Arabs on both sides of the spectrum. So I want to say that for sure. But how do people go on with this?

Yeah, John, you've known me. What most people don't know about John is that he's one of the dearest friends a human being could have. And in my moment of unspeakable, undescribable agony, the death of my oldest daughter, John has stood with me every step of the way. And that was over 25 years ago. What we do in those moments where our future has been obliterated, I call them the dark night of the soul moments because they're inescapable. And what we're going through is choiceless. What we're experiencing is our future as we have known it, our life as we planned it, has been decimated. How do we face that moment? Because in the first moments of that, we are in survival mode and shock. And thank goodness for shock, thank goodness for denial. Because in the beginning, we don't survive. So the first thing we want to do is show compassion to the people whose future as they know it, their life as they were living it, has been obliterated. And they're standing in the middle of this decimation. They're standing in the middle of unspeakable shatteredness, unknowingness Lostness, brokenheartedness, and so compassion to understand that people are standing in a moment of a new normal, like I was. You are an example of what people need to do. If anybody, you know is going through this anywhere in the world, it's to be with them, it's to stand with them, it's to allow them to speak, it's to put our own agenda on the shelf in service to them and allow them to go through that choiceless moment of agony where their world has been obliterated. And they're not even ready to start thinking about constructing a future, a new normal of moving forward, because we're not ready to do that. And for me, that went on for a while. I had to pass through the stages of sorrow, of a sorrow I never imagined, which is what people in the Middle east are going through, what the Israelis are going through, and the images that have traumatized and re. Traumatized so many of us. Some of us have gone through horrific losses, horrific violence and changes. And we have stood in that moment and we've had to gather and summon newfound strength and courage and faith and belief that it, that it was possible to somehow go on from that moment. That's the moment we're standing in, in the very beginning. And the most we can do is rather than judge and get into the weeds and a big political discussion about, oh, the Israelis and the Palestinians. And, you know, instead of getting into the weeds, let's have a sacred moment of compassion for those people, those thousands and thousands of people, not only in the Middle east, but all over the world who have been re. Traumatized by the possibility, by watching this possibility become reality, that we have the capability of acting like savages. We have the capability of being barbaric, of turning the clock back centuries to where this kind of behavior was sanctioned.

I speak to my family in Israel coming cousins, aunts, uncles, you know, cousins, children, and they're having a very, very hard time. And again I, and again, I want to be sensitive that there are people, you know, in Gaza and in other parts, you know, of the world that are oppressed and that are feeling the same way. So I want to have a balanced view of what's happening. And again, as I mentioned before, I still condemn, you know, the, the terrorism and barbaric ways that the, the terrorists, you know, chose to express themselves today and before. And I think every, every person, every nation has the right to defend themselves. And so I condemn the behavior. Let me switch over to that. So, because we, we didn't start off wanting to Talk about this. For those of you that are on Instagram, go to go how we goon.com or go look at my bio. You'll see a link. Dr. Ken Druck is with me today. One of the top psychologists in the world. He was one of the early pioneers in the personal development industry, leading the way for coaching for all of us. And he happens to be a dear friend who lives down the street from me. And he's got a brand new book called how we Go On. I'll show it to all of you on Facebook and if you look on Instagram, you could pick it up. It's all about self compassion, courage, the gratitude or having gratitude to move forward no matter what has happened in your life or what is happening in your life. And if you've read any of his other books, you'll know that every one of his books is filled with wisdom and how to's that are practical in easy and priceless. So for the 15 or $20 that it's going to cost you to invest in the book, get two of them. One for yourself, one for somebody that you love. And Shannon, I don't know if you can show, you know, show my, my screen, but if you can, that would be great. If you show the, the book image and cover. There we go. And you pick it up on any of the bookstores, but go to Amazon, it's the easiest. How we go on. How many of you have had something in your life that has like stopped you cold in your tracks? A death of a loved one, cancer, Covid, a loss of a friend, you know, family member, a trauma, divorce, anything. If you've been alive long enough, then if you like me and you like Ken, you know, have experienced life's fullest spectrum of emotions and, and, and happenings, then you know, there you go. Maria, the death of your oldest son. So you just heard Ken talk about the death of his eldest daughter. Sometimes we need, you know, obviously take our hand or our foot off of our throat, as Ken said, and put our hand on our heart. Have a lot of self compassion. Ken, when people are going through a really, really tough time and we can see some of what people are saying, let me know in the chat on Instagram, seeing a whole bunch of people here on Facebook, we have mixed. Seeing my son hanging from a rope. Devastating death of your dad, leaving a career after 33 years. Nicole, death of your son. There's a variety, a spectrum of stuff that happens to us.

Internally and externally. Because the internal is what about that moment where we Realize that life is a lease deal. It's a lease. This life as I know it ends at some point for me or for people I love. So it's not only the external things and changes and challenges. It's the inner size work that you talk about in. It's the subtle shifts, something shifting inside of me. I'm realizing I'm not going to live forever. I'm confronting on an existential level, my mortality for the first time. Or I've gone for a physical and I realize that I have to make some changes because not making those changes is going to have some serious and significant results. So it's that. It's the things that happen in our relationships. We realize I haven't been the best version of me in my marriage or in the relationship. I'm trying to develop into a permanent, exclusive, monogamous relationship. So it's those subtle moments inside of us where something is calling to us, calling for our attention. And it could be an opportunity moment. It's like, my God, I've reached my goal. Now what? It's a what now? Moment because. Or I've met the person of my dreams. Now what am I going to do? How am I going to manage the success of this, the joy of this? Do I have room? You know, I realized a couple of years ago, John, and I told you before my mom passed, we had a lunch together. I was sitting with her and my mom says, stop. She says, just stop talking. And she moves her head closer to me and she says, do you know how much I love you and how grateful I am for the way. All the ways you've been in my life since your father died? Do you have really have an understanding of my gratitude? And after tears shed on both of us. But I had to go. I had my busy life happening. Twenty minutes later, I go and I get in the car and I turn on the radio and I catch myself and I realize. I turn off the radio and I realize my receiver is broken. My ability to receive love is broken. I can only handle so much. How many times have I disallowed love from other people? Have I disqualified people's love and affection because I. My receiver was broken? And it became my goal for that year to learn how to put my hand in my heart and receive the love and the gratitude that people are showing me? But that's an example of a what now? Opportunity. How do we flip those moments of adversity into moments of opportunity, including even the harshest things like right now. What is the opportunity for all of us, whether we're talking about what's happening in the Middle east, whether we're talking about a crisis that we're facing. What is the opportunity of this moment for you to become the better version of yourself? And that's the ethic that I know you live with, John, because I've seen you confront 100 moments as your close friend, you've seen me do the same, and that's the way our relationship. We encourage each. You see me doing something, that's the lesser version. Your love allows you to say, hey, there's a better version of you. There's a higher expression of who you are in the world. Would you be open to me sharing it? And we do.

And we do. We've developed. Let me ask you all a question, and this is a good dialogue. How many of you are comfortable receiving love from others? Are you comfortable receiving love from others when other people. And I'm not just saying, you know, hug you and kiss you and tell you how great you are. Sometimes the, you know, the love comes in the form of, you know, criticism in a way to say, hey, you're not living up to the standards you told me you want to be living to. Anybody? Anybody. Like, I know that. There you go, Sarah. Awesome. Anybody here on Instagram, how many of you have a hard time receiving love? What about.

And by the way, John, narcissist, a true narcissist cannot receive love. All they receive is adoration. It's adoration one step removed. But it would be too painful to receive love. It's too much of a risk. So we keep that love at a distance. Not that we're narcissists, but we all have different reasons for protecting ourselves. It's like, wait a minute. If I let your love in, what do I owe you? What's the price of this? What am I going to have to pay? What do I owe you? And.

Or.

Why would I let myself be that vulnerable and open? Oh, my God. If I let myself feel loved, I may like it. I may want more of it. What if I turn out to be needy? You know, so we have all these defenses, and the what now? Moments are opportunities to really redraft. Push the reset button on our defenses and say, I'm going to learn how to cope with this. I'm going to learn how to deal with this. I'm going to summon newfound courage and strength so that I can allow love, more love, to come in and not live with my defenses and my armor, which disallows other people's gratitude, affection and true love for me.

I love it. Everyone, if you just joined us, I'm with Dr. Ken Druck, one of the leading psychologists in the world. We've been talking about clearing the path forward to your best possible future which is also what he talks about and teaches in his book called how we go On. And it is all about self compassion, courage and gratitude to move forward no matter what is happening to you. If you're on Instagram, go to my bio and pick up a couple of copies on Amazon or Barnes and Noble. Read it, implement. One of the things I love about Ken's books is there's always practical how to in the books. I don't know about you, but reading books on theory is, I mean it's okay. I find if it's practical application is. Here's what you need to do. That's how I learned best. So it's a phenomenal book. Just go to my bio or go to how we go on dot com. Also take a look at Ken's website. And Ken, what's your website that people could find out more about you?

Just kendruck.com youm can go on to kendruck.com or the Dr. Ken Druck on Facebook, you know and I, I'd be delighted to hear from you. I so I'm so grateful you create this beautiful forum for people to weigh in. Cher gentleman just said that he's not good at accepting compliments, but he can handle criticism. We're all wired differently. We all have a different kind of challenge. But it's meeting that challenge that ripens us as human beings and allows us to become that better version. And people see the people that love us see that better version and they go oh my God, look at this. You're really, you're, you've really shifted something. I feel you're more approachable or you're more. I could, I can trust you with things that are intimately about me. I can be more transparent and open with you and honest and direct and collaborative with you. So it's a good thing.

How many books have you written?

You know, John, can I show you something that you get a good. You and your audience will get a good laugh at? Hold on.

And by the way, everyone, I see many people are joining right now. I'm with Dr. Ken Druck. One of the book in the world and one of the new, you know, best selling author. Been on Oprah, been on Larry King, been on every major tv, radio, print media in the world. So this is a Treat that he was available today. He and I were, we're talking just a couple weeks ago and he has a new book called How We Go On. I said, would you come on and talk about it with my audience?

Before many of the people watching were even born, I was the Dr. Ken on Oprah. This is, this is what becomes of us. We've become the older, riper version of ourselves. This was my first book, was called the Secrets Men Keep. And I, Oprah said, oh, we've got to have you. And I said, well, you can have me, but you have to have an all male audience. She said, we've never done that. That's never been done. Guys don't open up. And I said, you know what? In some ways, guys are more open and transparent when they're with other guys and they start opening up than anybody else. So trust me. And we did three shows and when her show went national and I became the Dr. Ken on Oprah, but that was the first book. This is 1983 and talking about the psychology, finally, it's like, when are we going to start talking about what's in men's hearts and souls? So graduating. Every season of my life, when I'm exploding with things that are, I'm awakening to or I'm understanding and I want to share that with more people than just the few number of clients I can have or short workshops I give, social media wasn't there. So you write a book and you go on Oprah or you go on Donna or you go on CNN or whatever. So every season of my life has produced another book. When I, you know, when I lost Jenna. And for those who are just tuning in, a lot of my work on how we go on started with the death of my 21 year old daughter who was on a study abroad program in India in 1996. And I started a foundation in her name and I started becoming the kind of the grief guru, the guy you go to. And I've helped families after Sandy Hook and nine, 11, so on and so forth. But every season of my life has had another book and the new book is the consolidation because all the dots connect. You know, we get to a certain age and the dots start connecting and there's an emotional freedom. I want people to be excited about getting older, not live in dread and terror and oh my God, I'm going to hell, I'm going to be out of play, I'm going to age out, you know. No, I've never been more creative, more productive, more awake and aware than I am at age 74. So the best is yet to come, trust me. So anyhow, this is the new expression and it's the consolidation of a lot of my life's work and the essence of what I've learned and what I'd wish to share with my own grandsons, with my daughter.

This tackle, that's Ken's partner said. Love you, dear. Listen, everyone, we've been talking about, you know, how we go on Self Compassion, Courage, Gratitude, Path Forward, which is Dr. Ken Druck's newest book, which is. And if you go to my bio on Instagram, you can get the link. Barely hear it there. Or go to how we go on dot com. Check out lifestyle. Dr. Ken T.R. does.

That's okay.

I think they shut it down.

I guess you couldn't hear me. I was.

I could hear you just faintly.

Okay. I had.

For those people in your audience, John, that, that come on and sign up to get our newsletter and all that. They are going to get a free copy of this.

Oh, great, the Self Care Handbook.

Love it, though.

We're getting a little reverberation again.

Yeah.

All right, all right, listen, does anybody have a question for Dr. Druck? If you're on Facebook. I'm streaming on Facebook and on Instagram, and for some reason we have reverberation because Ken is on as well. I'm gonna see if I can move my microphone away a little bit. I don't know where that's happening. It's on my end or your end, Ken.

Okay, I'll try to turn. I'll look to see if I can shut it down.

All right.

How'S that?

Can you all hear me?

Okay.

Hey, Laura, nice to. Nice to see you on here as well. So who's got A question for Dr. Ken Druck? A trauma in your life, something going sideways, something you don't know how to deal with. As I mentioned, one of the top psychologists in the world is in the house. And Lori Joyce, do you have a question for Dr. Druck? You can put it into the chat. All right, so if you have a question or if you're on Instagram, let me know your question. Antf. Very, very kind of you to say America is shit. Great, great forum to do it in. So thank you, antf. I think it's time that we say goodbye to you. So bye. Bye. All right, so whenever people get.

Can I say something about that?

Release them from the environment.

Can I say something about that?

Sure.

We are so challenged at this moment in history. We are to listen to each other to understand that we're not going to agree or see the. See the world or what's happening in it in the same way, or see what. What we can do to help ourselves or to ripen as human beings. But this is a moment where more than ever before, we need to listen, not dismiss, not cuss, not judge, not throw each other in the garbage and the rawness of. Of what we're all feeling, but to understand, to look beyond that, to what we share in common. You know, the greatest interview I think I've ever done, I got called by a show in Tennessee and a dj, and I thought, my God, this guy started a political group that's completely opposed to what I believe is the best thing for our country. And I said, oh, my God, I'm going to be California roadkill. This guy's just going to attack me. The interview started by us talking about our children and what we wanted. We wanted the same thing. And he said, I don't know if I could bear the loss of one of my kids. And we talked from that place of compassion and of finding common ground. And it allowed us to evolve and develop a relationship. And you don't throw a relationship away immediately because somebody sees the world so completely different. You try to understand and broaden and expand on your own capacity for compassion, for understanding. Yeah, we can all draw the line. And it's all understandable that especially in the first moments of grief, of outrage, of loss, of abandonment, of betrayal, where our lives as we know them or a relationship as we've known it has been obliterated. It's understandable that we'd have strong feelings and want to cut out, but let's hang in there with each other. Let's see this through. Let's bring out the best, not the worst, in each other.

I couldn't agree more. And Ken, we. We have a question from Lori Joyce that I put up on the screen and I'm going to read it out loud so those of you that are Instagram can. Laurie says, my dad was murdered when I was 16 years old. I thought I'd put it behind me after getting treated with an amazing psychiat piatrist. However, periodically it hits me out of nowhere at different points in my life. Do you have any tips on how to best shut off these disruptive, random memories?

It's a great, great question, and it's a complicated, difficult proposition that I live with. How do I not get flashbacked into the moment where I got a call that my daughter had Been in a terrible accident in India. How do I not remember that moment? So the first step is to keep your hand on your heart. There's nothing wrong with you for having relapses in your memory of what happened to your dad when you were 16. How could you not remember that? So the times you remember it, hold your hand on your heart and understand. How could I not have flashbacks? Occasionally, I've kept my love for my father alive. And the cost of doing that, the cost of cherishing him with the love that never dies, is that I'm occasionally going to flash back to that moment, that horrific moment that's kind of frozen in my brain, that memory that's frozen in my brain. So the first step is that. The second step is that there are things you can do to de. Intensify the trauma, the trauma of losing your dad at 16. Because that frozen part in our brain, and John is an expert in this, in the neuropsychology of how to decongest that frozen part of your brain so that the memory of that gets distributed to other parts of us that can breathe, that can de. Intensify what you're experiencing. The. The frozen fight or fight or flight moment that you're experiencing, that's just as intense as the first time you experienced it. So work with emdr. Work with thought stopping. Work with all these wonderful new approaches in neuropsychology that are showing people like me and you and those who've been traumatized how to de. Intensify those moments. But keep your hand on your heart.

And, yeah, those.

Those.

Those memories, every time we activate that neural network, releases the neurochemicals, you know, of the trauma. And so it's. It's critical to not just know that that is normal, that it happens, and you can equip yourself with some tools, as Ken suggested. EMDR eft inner sizing, you know, self talk, emotional regulation breathing, of which, Laurie, you've got access to as well. Right? All right.

And that's all my book, by the way. All those things and a whole bunch more about how we can manage our lives, our relationships, our schedules, those moments that are likely the angelversaries that are likely to re. Traumatize us, how we manage all that is workable. So every little thing we do comes together, combines to help us clear the path forward.

And Ken, you can see Laurie says, thank you so much, Dr. Ken. I'm in tears with my hand on my heart. Way to go, Laurie. All right, listen, everyone. We've been talking with Dr. Ken Druck the author of How We Go On. If you want to check out this phenomenal new book, he is hitting all the airwaves around the world right now. I think there couldn't be a better time in our life than right now for this book. If you've had traumas in the past, if you've got stuff going on in your life right now that may seem unbearable, unmanageable, this is the book for you to learn self compassion, to learn how to put your hand on your heart, take your foot off of your neck and to stop the self criticism, the judgment, the blame, the shame, the guilt. And so it's a, it's definitely a must read. There'll be a link in my bio on Instagram and for those of you that are on, on Facebook, we're going to give you a link as well. Just go to how we goon.com how we goon.com Dr. Ken Druck, thank you so much for being on, you know, on my social media channels. I love your work. I love who you are and I love how you've helped, I mean, literally millions of people around the world. So everybody go check them out. How we goon.com check out kendruck.com also. And for those of you that are on Instagram, do me a favor, somebody type in kendruck.com and I also put it up on the, on the screen on Instagram. All right, Ken, I love you. Thank you for being on here.

Love you, my brother. Thank you for sharing your living room and thank you to everybody who's been watching for the privilege of your time.

Thank you. Bye, everyone. Howwegon. Com Bye, Ken. Bye, everybody. Share this please.