Coaches Council Podcast Episode 44: Safe Haven with Hilary Russo

Once you have your story in line and you know what it is and how powerfully you're going to share it, you also need to know that what you're doing in that whole process is changing the trajectory to where it becomes part of the narrative. I realized that we have the ability to alter our thoughts, moods and behaviors and change the trajectory of our thinking and be kind to our minds.

This is the Coaches Council, made up of six elite coaches dedicated to serving and ending personal struggle for high performers in business, health and relationships. As a collective, we have built and helped build six, seven and eight figure businesses, dominate in multiple industries, coached and played in professional sports leagues, and developed some of the strongest and most intimate relationships, both professional and personal. This isn't your average podcast. It's for the hungry, the dedicated, the doers, for those that have a dream and truly want that dream to become reality. People who want to take action, leave their ego at the door and own every level of their life. If that's you, then step into the Coach's Council as we rewrite the truths to living that high performance life. Welcome back to another week of the Coaches Council. Pradeep, looking great as always. How's everything in Toronto? It is now. Happy New Year, by the way.

Happy New Year already.

Sure is.

Happy New Year.

Yeah. You're an early bird, man.

Why is that?

Well, we still got a few weeks into it.

No, this episode comes out the first week after.

Oh, man. Yeah, you gotta prep me for this stuff, man. You gotta prep me for this brief moment.

I actually was like, is Canada. Do they celebrate a different time of year?

Justin's been hitting the vodka for the last couple hours.

Oh, yeah.

What the heck is happening?

Yeah, yeah, it makes sense. So we're gonna pretend like it is new Year. So welcome to 2021, everybody.

2021. And there's no better way in which we can chime in the new year with somebody who's one of the most charismatic people I've ever met. And she has led a multitude of anchor rooms and new studios prior to coming on board and really diving into her true passion, which was health and wellness and doing so in a very unique way. And so, Hilary Russo, it is so exciting to have you on the show. Thank you so much for joining us, gentlemen.

Thank you for having me. I was really hoping you were talking about me, because I was like, is there somebody else that he's. Should I not acknowledge that he's talking about me? So thank you.

You're absolutely welcome. Absolutely welcome, Hilary. I've Been so excited, kind of just chat with you because obviously we have a like minded passion for health and wellness and that journey that a lot of people go on. And I'm so curious as to the way in which you tell stories because you and I have known each other for a little while now. And the way in which you tell stories obviously goes back to your journalism days, your anchor room days, and kind of tell us a little bit about how that transition happened. How did you go from the newsroom to now being one of 150 havening practitioners in the United States?

You know, it's interesting that you ask that because I remind myself of that question all the time. How is my work now different from what it was then? And the interesting thing is it's really not that different. I mean, I've always been holding space for people to share their stories. You know, from the time I was working as a young news journalist and as an anchor, as a reporter, as a correspondent, to which today I still do, I'm still health and wellness journalist. I just moved my focus to health and wellness within the journalism field. But the difference is, is that when I was or when I do stories for different media outlets and whatnot, I am holding space for people to share their stories, to share with others. Right? So they're the storytellers. I'm kind of the, I'm the, the place that they go to be able to share their stories publicly. Right. The difference is, is that as a coach or a practitioner, that's intimate, it's personal. So what I'm doing is I am empowering purpose driven professionals, like minded people to use their storytelling skills, which we all have, because we all have a story, and empower them with telling the story better, intimately, so that they can share it more publicly. So as a practitioner or a coach, my space is sacred with my clients. I don't share their stories. I'm just giving them the tools to be able to change the narrative if there's something within their life that they want to change and become more resilient.

I'm so curious as you talk about this level of storytelling and a lot of the audience is entrepreneurial, executive spaced men for a lot of our audience. And so often openness, vulnerability, storytelling, as you say, is not often things that men easily go into. But when you do dive into that realm as leaders in your space, no matter what it is that you're leading, you all of a sudden become so much more approachable, you become so much more relata, you become so Much more likable, and you become more real to people. Whether, again, you're leading a group of an organization of 500 or whether you're leading a family of five, it becomes this ability to see you as a completely real person that becomes very approachable in that mind. So what is the. What steps can be taken? Or what is the secret? Or how have you become so great at storytelling, and how do you help people do that?

Well, I think, first of all, you have to be aware of the story that you have to tell. And sometimes, like you mentioned, some people are not comfortable with their story, whatever it is that they had occur in their lives or the journey that they've been on. And there's a sense of embarrassment or imposter syndrome, or feelings of, I don't want to tell my story. It'll make me look weak. That is so far from the truth. Because your story is part of who you are. Your story is that piece of the puzzle that is creating this unbelievable space for you to be the person you want to be. And people want to know you're human. You know, people don't want to know that you showed up and you're like, I'm Superman, and I was born this way. Yeah, you might have been born that way. And that's the other thing. It's like, we have to realize that we're human first. We are not our jobs. We are not our careers. We are not the certifications, the licensing, whatever that we have. We are human first, and we have a story to tell. And by sharing the story, you are connecting with people that might. There might be that one starfish that you connect with that resonates with what you're saying, that you can make a difference in their life. And it's like that quote, that one day your story could be someone else's survival guide. Right? You could touch one life, and that one life will make a difference. It's a total domino effect. So own your story. The difference is, Justin, is that once you have your story in line and you know what it is and how powerfully you're gonna share it, you also need to know that what you're doing in that whole process is changing the trajectory to where it becomes part of the narrative. You're turning the page. And now we're on a new chapter of this story to where you're not embodying the tragedy, the trauma. You can change that into a triumph, which is what I always say. We have the ability to transform our traumas into triumphs. It's our mindset, it's how we look at it, doesn't do away with the fact that it happened to us. It just allows us to process it differently and live in a more powerful space. And people will see that.

I'm wondering, Hillary, because you seem like a very fascinating woman and I don't know too much about you. I didn't get the notes before the show, so I apologize. But I'd love to hear your story in terms of.

Oh, goodness, yeah.

Where you came from, what you're passionate about, and what led you to what you're doing right now.

Well, I was born on a Friday at 11:00am well, I was, but it's part of my story. My story is, you know, there's a lot of branches to the tree, but I think part of it goes back to I was. You know, I've been through a series of traumas in my own life. And not. You don't have to. Not everyone has to go through trauma to have an empowering story to share. By the way, let me just preface that. You know, I just have a series of things that I went through. I was raised with a father who was severely diabetic. I was always around hospitals. I was doing my homework in waiting rooms. You know, I. I was around health and wellness in a different capacity from a very young age. There was a sense of empathy and resonance that I built just from being around that kind of environment and always feeling like, oh, I want to take care of myself. I don't want to wind up like my dad is, who was a pro athlete and had to take a different route in his life because his illness took him away from playing pro baseball. And from that, it was a series of events. I actually had major surgery at 15 years old that was traumatizing. I had TMJ, which is temporomandibular joint disorder. Had my jaw wired shut for eight weeks. Best diet ever. My mom was very happy because my mouth was shut. And I'm a talker, but it was very painful, and it was a painful recovery. And I never really got the kind of rehabilitation for that process. And then it goes on to like being a child of divorce, being a child that was around an ill dad, and then move into my career days. And I was on air as a young journalist when 911 happened. Talk about traumatizing, you know, not knowing how to deal with this and process it. And we're kind of going through that again right now because of this pandemic. First responders, journalists, everything, everyone, not just people in Their field. How do we deal with this? How do we process this kind of information? So it's been a series of things and I realized that and relationship stuff too, because we all have that right. There's always a relationship thing. And the breakups lead to the breakthroughs and a series of events. So it's becoming a stronger person, more resilient and realizing that, as I always say, be kind to your mind. It was when I fell into the work and it was a falling into when I fell into the work in health and wellness holistic living and a certified Havening health coach, or Havening practitioner and certified health coach. I realized that we have the ability to alter our thoughts, moods and behaviors and change the trajectory of our thinking and be kind to our minds.

That's pretty cool. Thanks for sharing that with us. So, Justin, I'm going to ask another question here, if you don't mind. Can you go into detail, a little bit more detail about the concept of havening? Like, what does that mean? What does it represent?

I love talking about it. Yes. So Havening is a psychosensory approach. And what that means is that it uses one of the senses. So it uses touch. It uses touch and pleasant distraction. And guys, that means it could be anything from like humming a song to thinking about your favorite place that you love to go. It could be, you know, just being in a very mindful place. Anything that brings you joy is a pleasant distraction. Right? And with pleasant distraction, along with the psychosensory approach of havening, which is touch, a specific type of touch, it's either your hands, your arms or your face. What happens is that's where the magic happens. It has the ability to alter your thoughts, moves and behavior with rapid response. Because it's based on neuroscience, it's not energy medicine, it's electrochemical. Then it puts your brain in what they call a delta wave state, which is very slow moving brain waves. Justin, I know you know about that kind of stuff. Just with the work you do with ownit. And what happens there is that that's where this dance happens, this amazing dance where the happy chemicals are released in your brain. It's the oxytocin, the serotonin, the dopamine. And when that happens, when the pleasant distractions and the Havening touch are working together, they're protecting your amygdala. Your amygdala loves to go into threat mode. And what it's doing is it's kind of saying to your amygdala, or we call her Amy in the Havening world. We give her that feminine feel because we want to protect her. It. It lets her know it's going to be okay. So it could be used with a practitioner like myself. If you're working with me, what happens is I will facilitate the sessions whether it's virtually or in person. Right now we're doing mostly virtually. Or you can do self havening on your own, which is basically you are applying the touch on yourself and that can be used for little everyday upsets. I'm not focused. I can't fall asleep very well. Something's irritating me because everyone's in the same house and I'm not getting any space to myself. Self havening is great for those little upsets every day. And then havening working with a practitioner is great for depression, anxiety, stress, any of those feelings associated with and then some.

Yeah, thanks for sharing that.

Yeah. There's a really powerful example I actually use to make people understand. If you give me a second, I could share with you real quick. I love using this analogy. So I kind of think of it like a jack in the box. So say you're in a car accident, right? You're in a car accident. And every time you go by that car accident, your heart starts beating, your hands start sweating. You're like, get me the heck through this damn intersection. Because I don't want to be here. Because it's retriggering. It's like re traumatizing what happened to you. What havening does is if you're working with someone like myself, you don't even need to bring up what your upset is. But if you bring it to mind for yourself during a session, what happens is it's almost like that jack in the box where you're right every time you're turning and the pop goes the weasel, it comes out on pop goes the weasel. It never fails that it comes out on pop goes the weasel. But we still kind of back up, right? We still kind of jump. What havening does is it's almost like the wire cutters. When that thing pops open and it doesn't come out like it did, it still comes out, the thing still comes open. But when you're passing by that intersection, if you're havening and learning havening, it just is like an event rather than a traumatic event. It happened, okay? We move forward, we move forward, we move on. And you process it differently because it's how it's hitting your brain now that you've haven't that situation.

Thanks for sharing that. That was a Great analogy.

So when we talk about stories and storytelling and owning our story and being true to it, how would Havening then be utilized in that same breath and aspect to help individuals listening?

Yeah, you know, I use it a lot with my students because I'm also a college professor and I teach on camera presentation. I'm teaching my kids how to be powerful speakers, you know, and a lot of times they might get stage fright, I guess you would call it. Right. They're a little nervous in front of the camera or in front of an audience and what you can do in that moment. And I teach my students havening. I mean, they're probably the only, it's probably the only class in any university anywhere right now that's being given the gift of self havening. But they will sit there and they might just do like a moment of affirmative havening. There's different kinds of havening that fall under the umbrella. And they might, we might just sit there and be like, okay, let's do some deep breaths. And I want you guys to bring to mind I am confident I am owning my story. I have the ability to present this well. It's bringing the confidence to you while you're havening. And that's where it happens. I mean, it just. My kids get up there and they're like, you feel lighter, you feel connected and you feel empowered by what you have to share rather than I don't know if my story is important or I don't know if I have it in me or who's going to listen to me, who cares? You know, you start getting the self doubt. So it's very powerful to use with self doubt to bring on confidence, confidence, clarity, and just connecting to the story itself.

Completely. And so is it almost like an aspect where you start to allow yourself to be more comfortable with what it is that you're feeling or is it a way in which you start to view what you've gone through with less judgment, with less resentment, with less negative or low energy feelings and start to see it in just a different light?

You know, that's a great question. With Havening, what it has the capacity to do is alter your thoughts, moods and behaviors. So I guess it's all of the above because what you're doing is again, it's not erasing what might have happened to you that you're having difficulty with it. It has, you see it in a different light and that is where you are going to see the change. Because maybe you're coming from a place of self doubt. So maybe we do some affirmational havening, or maybe it's not even about the fact that you don't feel comfortable public speaking. Perhaps something happened to you at a younger age. Maybe you were bullied or maybe you got up in front of an audience and you were laughed at or you forgot your speech. You know, it's never about the. When I have clients come to me, a lot of times it's not even about the thing that they're bringing to the table that session. Which by the way, the beauty of havening is you don't even have to share the actual upset or issue with me. We don't even have to go there if you're not comfortable with that. But I will say I have yet to have a client that doesn't open up and share because it is about trust. And I think they get that from the get go. But the thing is that it's not a lot of times it's not even about what you're bringing to the table at the moment. We're going deeper. What is it? That's really what is it? That's really the underlying issue. While you're feeling this self doubt, what's the root of this? Let's get to that. You know, and it's amazing what opens up. And it is an open up. It's like, it's like that little, that little plant that's coming through the concrete. It's going to come through eventually, you know, and there might be a big oak there at some point. So watch out. Might have to change the sidewalk. So that, that's really the power of it is that it alters the thoughts, moods and behavior. You connect it in a different way. It's pretty awesome.

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Yeah, I think everybody does. I think that's just how we are raised by society. And most of our identity is built around what most people put on us rather than what we've created ourselves. Right. The concept of identity, if someone hasn't heard of it or researched it, we go through life without even understanding what that is. And we think we are who we are without fully understanding that we are based on most of it, social context, what people think we are. And therefore we believe that we are this way. And so one of the exercises I get guys to do is really go into a dark room and really just put aside all of the social pressures. So forget about your father, forget about the fact that you're a husband, forget about the fact that you're a son to a parents that have a lot of expectations on you or for you, and put away all those other pressures. What is the life that you want to live? Who is the person that you want to be? And I think when you, when you draw those curtains back and you're able to identify that, that's when I think, you know, it's that true being. It's a true core of that identity or that piece to them that they always had inside them since they were a young kid or a boy or a girl that they can look back at and say, you know, this is who I wanted to be, or this is what I wanted to do. I think we all have this. Every single person I've come across has this. And not everybody is fortunate enough to be able to draw those curtains back and be able to look at that. And I think the work that you do, Hilary, is so important because it just allows people to be who they are. You said something which is really important to me and stands out is the mindful aspect, the mindfulness component. That is so. Because so many people, Hilary, I'm sure you see this is. They're just going through life, just going through the motions. They're so busy, go, go, go, go, go. That it's not bringing them back into the moment. And the way you were explaining it and what you do, it really is grounding them and bringing them into the moment. It's grounding their energy, their thoughts, their emotions. And that's how we experience life as human beings is through those three mediums, our thoughts, emotions, and our energy. And most people aren't aligned. And I would say most people, either their thoughts are off, their emotions are off, or if you want to take it one step further and go into the realm of energy, whether it's science or spiritual, a lot of us are thrown off from that perspective. So, Justin, a long winded answer, but in short, yeah, we all live this way. It's just how we grow up and how we live as natural human beings in society.

And I'll add to that that I work with some very successful men who are extremely well known. They're at the top of their game in their work, but there's something that is just holding them back from being their authentic selves. And you get to a point in your life when you're like, what is missing? And you start almost looking around for it, right? And it's really not a looking around, it's right here. And there's this. There can sometimes be a fear factor that steps into place. If I look weak in any aspect, then the imposter syndrome comes in. We start thinking about, oh my goodness, the work that I do is so important. And, you know, I have a family and I'm supporting a family. And if I, if I share my feelings or if I look weak in any way, I'm not living my truth. Well, no, you actually are starting to live your truth because we're human. We're born perfectly beautiful. We're still perfectly beautiful. But we go into the space like you mentioned, which is, you know, society's look at what perfection is. And one of my favorite quotes is My pain is the basis of my true power. And when you start connecting with anything that's causing you upset and being aware of it, first you have to be aware of it, and then you start allowing, and then you align like, those are my triple A's. You have to be aware. You have to be allowing it, and then you need to align with it. That's where you see the change. That's where you see this amazing oak start coming up through the pavement that on the outside, maybe everybody has seen it, but you need to feel it. You need to know that you need to feel that completion.

I think that's really powerful, what you talked about, because I experienced this personally myself yesterday with my wife. So my wife is a healthcare practitioner. She works in the oncology ward. And she's seen people suffer from cancer and also pass on a daily basis. So her level. And my wife is such a sweet woman, but she struggles with having the strength of being able to deal with that. And we work on a daily basis trying to get her through because it takes a certain type of strength and energy to be able to deal with that kind of stuff. And yesterday she broke down. She was going through her womanly cycle as well, and she just kind of broke down and just started wailing. And she's like, I'm so sorry. I just don't know why I'm feeling this way. And I said, you know, it's okay. We're all allowed to feel that way. If you need to cry, just let it go. Because holding it back is not doing anybody any good. And no one here. This is a safe haven. Our household is a safe haven. If you can't cry here, where can you cry? And I think that's important because it's funny you mentioned that, because I did a video on this today for guys, because I work specifically with men and telling them that it's okay to feel the pain. It's okay to feel the pain, because pain is a teacher. It's a way of showing us that there is something. We're living in some kind of discomfort or not in the right place or we need to do something different than where we are right now. But a lot of guys will put that aside. A lot of guys will shun that and block it out, as, you know, as you mentioned, and just not deal with it. But it's important to allow ourselves. And I think it's. Sometimes we can be the toughest on ourselves, and that's not always the best thing. And then, you know, society tells us that you know, it's you got to be tough, you got to be successful, you got to do especially for guys. But now I'm seeing a lot of women are picking up on this too, professional women. And it's not doing anybody any good. So I think again, just going back to the work you're doing, that haven aspect really rings a bell for me.

Well, I'm glad. And it's funny you mentioned you said self haven. Your home is your self haven. That's exactly where the Havening came from when they created Havening and the name for what we're doing when Dr. Rudin, who Dr. Steve and Ron Rudin came up with this, who are two doctors in New York that developed the Havening technique. It's based on being in your self haven in your mind first of all. And let me also say thank you to your wife for everything she's doing because I have so much respect for what they're doing right now, the healthcare workers. And so thank you for her doing that. And I've had a chance to work with a number of practitioners here in New York who have been in like ground zero with all of this. And there's talk about stress, talk about taking on the way to the world right now. And even in those situations, I've worked with a couple practitioners that before they go to their shift, they self haven, they prepare themselves for the day. If they have a break, they haven on their break time. Those kind of things can help. Just little changes in your brain, you know, to practice.

If there was one technique or two techniques that you could teach the kind of the audience listening over over this, what would that be? In order to help alleviate stress, anxiety or anything that's kind of going on that maybe they're fac for that day to day havening practice that you spoke about.

You mean doing a little havening right now or just some tips on. Yeah, I mean like the best thing to do is look, find time for yourself. I can't stress that enough. Even if it's just five minutes. I know there's a lot of moms and dads out there that are going like run, run, run, run, run. But you are no good to anyone if you are not taking care of your own vehicle, which is yourself, your brain. You're not going to run your car to overheat. Why would you run your brain to overheat? You know you got to take care of yourself first because you're no good to anybody else if you're not taking care of you. So in that I would say, I mean, the easiest thing is to come up with a couple pleasant distractions. And I already shared, you know, that could be like humming a song or a creative visualization of a place you love to go in your mind. A favorite vacation, a great event that recently happened. Justin, you just had one, right? Recently, recently, like those kind of events, you know, those things that bring you joy. Maybe you love to sing. Maybe whatever it is, bring. Have a little, like, toolbox of pleasant distractions. I keep them on my phone so I can grab them. I put them on my whiteboard right in front of me. Have those available to you at any time, because then you can just grab from the toolbox when you need it. And then with havening, a really wonderful thing to do is like, it's just three different things, ways to do it. It's almost like you're washing your hands, which we've been doing plenty of the last eight months, right? Or it's like giving yourself a hug. Okay, I gotta move my mic out of the way a little bit. Giving yourself a hug. All right. And it's putting a little pressure on your arms when you're. You're doing the havening or touching your face because there's a lot of nerve endings in your face, and this is almost like giving yourself a facial. So just in these three things, it's self care. I'm washing my hands, I'm giving myself a hug, I'm touching my face. And if you close your eyes and take some deep breaths and you just do some affirmations with it, like, I am calm. I am happy. I am healthy. My cells are healthy. I am going to rock that. You know, that. That public speaking engagement I have, or I'm going to get that client, or my kids are going to be healthier, you know, whatever it is, just come up with a lot of I am statements, those affirmational statements. Or just say the word calm, calm, calm, Sleep, sleep, sleep. If you're having problems sleeping, and it will calm your brain, but make sure you don't have distractions around you. Make this your haven time, like your self haven escape for a couple minutes and do it. I do it all the time. I wake up and I do it when I meditate. I do it before I go to bed because I get a lot of chatter in my head. Justin and I talked about that on my podcast, right? And. And if you just do it throughout the day whenever you're feeling any feelings of upset or any. Anything arising where you just need to focus you know, you'd be surprised what a couple minutes of self havening can do when you just close the curtains to the proscenium and take yourself to that pleasant distraction. And you'd be surprised. I guys, you guys have to try it. I'm going to, I'm going to check back and do a test on this later.

I love me doing it.

That's the professor in me.

I love it. Well, Hilary, where can everybody find more of you and what you're doing and kind of your journey?

Oh, thank you for asking. So if anyone is interested in getting in touch with me, I also offer free discovery sessions so you can get an idea of what havening is. But I absolutely encourage you to reach out to me at hillaryruso.com and/havening if you're interested in learning just about the havening. And that is where you can find me. And of course I'm very participatory, connecting with people on social media. Just Hilary Russo, HillaryRusso on pretty much all areas of Instagram, Twitter, Facebook and LinkedIn as well. Connect with me and we'll have a conversation. I would be more than happy to support you on your journey.

Fantastic guys. It comes to a space in which we start to realize that becoming authentic and owning our story doesn't have to be done alone. It doesn't have to be done in the chaos of life. It doesn't have to be done in the chaos of what the world tells us we need to be. It rather is allowing us to be aware of what's around us. It's allowing ourselves to allow the feelings that we're feeling and then ultimately acknowledging them and being present with them and using self care tactics at the end of the day. Because if we can't be kind to ourselves, if we can't love ourselves, then who's gonna do it? And we truly are the ones that allow ourselves to show up authentically, unapologetically as ourselves. And the greater in which we can start to own our story and be truthful and happy with ourselves will allow us to serve in a much greater and influential way.

I just want to tell people that you have the power to alter your thoughts, moods and behavior and you can do it by putting the power in your own hands and be kind to your mind. You have, like you just said, it's so important to just be kind to yourself. That starts with being kind to your mind.

I love it. I love it. Happy New Year everybody. Stay hungry, stay humble, Bull. And we'll see you next week. Thank you so much for joining us for another week of the Coaches Council. If it wasn't for you viewers and listeners, we wouldn't have a platform. So again, it's all about you guys. And we want to give you a reward just for listening. We want to give you access to each one of our coaches for a little bit deeper, intimate experience. So if you go to coaches counsel.com coaches-counsel.com subscribe and like to whatever platform you're viewing on, you're going to be entered to have that one on one experience. So be sure to go coaches-cell.com and really interact with us because we would love to interact with you. Until then, stay safe, stay hungry, stay humble, and thanks for listening.

Sam.