BYOB Advanced Group Call 2024 04 11

Hello. Hello. Hello. How are you?

I'm great.

How are you? Good, good, good. How's your week going?

Oh, it's. To be honest, everything technical that can go wrong is going wrong, so. Want to apologize? The videos will be uploaded, loaded by next week. They're just running into all these things. Is there anything specific that you're wanting out of them, or are you good with the money? Mindset videos that I've already shared, so.

These I've already went over, so I don't know what's in the rest, but obviously I think I need to do deeper money work. And then I think about. At this point, I also. When we talked about last time, changing my pricing, I started doing that, but then I had this. Yeah. So I think that there's an issue. The money issue is there. And then also I think I'm not happy with the program. And so I think there maybe needs to be an audit to the program, because I feel like if I'm gonna charge more money, maybe I should be offering more.

Okay. Okay, cool. Well, all right. So I had a money exercise for us to start on today, and then let's. Let's start with that, and then see where you're feeling. Okay. Okay, cool.

So.

So having money can. Can be the thing that, like, people get really, like, gunked up around. So I want you to imagine if you won a hundred million dollars, what would you be worried about?

All of the people that have ever met me in my life coming and asking me for money. Cool. Yeah.

Okay, so I. Let's do this. So I want you to imagine you won a hundred million dollars, and this is kind of like a. Like a dump. Dump of all the worries and all the things you're stressed out about, all the things that are happening, just spit them all out. So you're worried about people coming and asking for money. All right, tell me more about that.

My family is very classical redneck. I feel like they fit the excellent description of that. So they would feel, I think, entitled because we shared the same blood, that I would give them that money. Otherwise, I'm a selfish. Then also, I don't feel comfortable being in the spotlight. So then people knowing I have money, and then all these people coming to me because they met me once. That freaks me out too. I like what I do, but I don't want to be, like, in the spotlight. Then also, there's this stress of dealing with this money. Like, what the fuck do you even do with all that money? Because I can't even imagine. I mean, I grew up a scrapper. I grew up super poor in a super poor family. Like, I was helping my mom pay the bills growing up. At one point I was living in my car, so, like, really used to scrapping. And I'm like, what the fuck would I even do with that kind of money? And so just even the idea of. And since I know I'm bad with money, it's like, oh, my God, like, and then I don't trust other people. So it's like normal people would probably get some kind of financial advisor and I would be like, well, who the fuck can you trust with that? Because we've seen financial advisors run off with people's money. So that in itself is super stressful and scary. What would I do? Like, how would I manage that? And then I would. It's quite interesting you said this because obviously this is poor people thinking. My family has this game where we used to always play if we win the lottery, what would we do with the money? And most of the time, my family is all about. Essentially a lot of the money would go towards another family member. I would buy so and so a new truck because they. So this is very ingrained that the money wouldn't be mine, I don't need it, so I should give it away. So then comes this other element of stress, of who do I give it away to? Because then it's like researching organizations, because there's some organizations that even they call themselves nonprofits. And I don't feel like they use the money for what they should be using it for. So then there's this stress kind of about money management. Like you want to do good with it and give it somewhere good, but then it's like you have to even do research. You can't just say the public library looks awesome. And it turns out the public library is buying books that support something that, I don't know, something I'm strong, like that's racism or something. I don't know. But you get my gist of how crazy this line of thinking is. So, Yes, I think those are the main things. Okay, what the fuck would I do at all that I don't want to be bothered with people coming out of the woodwork? And I'm very susceptible to what my family thinks of me as much as I wish I wouldn't, because nine times out of 10, I do tell them to off. And I am already the black sheep, but they still manage to get under my skin. So yeah.

Yeah. Okay, cool. Did anything in that surprise you?

Putting it all together. Yeah. Because I knew about the woodwork because my mom is always like saying that, like, when you got money, that's when all the people that have ever known you come around. So I mean, this. I already knew that I would be super worried about that, but I think I didn't realize how scared I would be once I start making money. Like what to do with all that money. Just because I've never had money like that.

Yeah.

And it's finally this time in my life that, you know, I don't have debt. I always had student loan debt and now it's really like I have no debt. I have nothing for my money to go towards except savings. And I know other people are responsible and they understand how to do with money, but I've never had that luxury and I've never even known those people that had that luxury, so. And it's super stressful and scary because I don't even know anyone to trust to tell me what to do with all that.

Yeah. Okay, cool. And where are you feeling all this in your body?

Oh, it's definitely in my chest. Very much a tightening in my chest. It definitely feels like anxiety now.

Yeah. Okay, cool. Not cool, but you know what I mean. Yeah. So I'm. I'm identifying four primary areas of fear. All right. And if you recognize more, if one feels like they belong to another one, just let me know. The first one is family. The second one is boundaries with people like saying no.

Oh, yeah, right.

One is managing it all, and then the other one is self belief around how bad you are with money.

The self belief one is quite interesting. For the longest time, I thought I was good with money because everyone around me was in massive debt, like massive credit card debt, because they love to buy shoes, they love to buy certain things. So I always thought I'm good with money because I don't have debt. Like I have quote, unquote smart debt. Like when I had student loans, but then now, and I paid them off super quick. But I also had a burnout because I worked like 60, 70 hour weeks, so. So I, for the longest time thought I was good with money. But then it's like over time, talking to my partner, he was the one that was like, I don't think you're that great with money. And I would get really defensive about it. And I would say it's only now that I realize it's this accumulator point. But before I even had a word for it, it's been like, I guess the last year that I realized I'm bad with my money because I accumulate well. But this goes back to this poor thinking and my mother saying, you have to save. You never know when something might happen. Emergency, like we have to go to the hospital, something can go wrong, the car breaks down. So it's panic saving. This accumulator really is this panic saving?

Yeah.

But then the bad thing is now in Europe that I have a safety net I don't have. I don't worry about having to pay for the hospital. If it's something massive that I see the value in, I will use that money. So right now my, like my accumulation money is going towards you. Yeah, I mean, worth it, but it's still like if I had more money, then I. Yeah, then that comes into. I don't know what I would do with that. And so. Yeah, and I know, and I think the self belief with bad with money also comes from the realization that I don't really know how to budget. I've never budgeted. Like my partner has. Like now we budget together because we share expenses.

Right.

But I never had a budget. It's just I paid for what I had to pay for and then I saved for this emergency fund. Right. And there was no rhyme or reason to this. This is just what I did. And so now seeing other people who have like, all right, 10% goes to investments and, and 15% goes to savings, and I'm like, oh, yeah, that's. That's something else. So I know that this self belief bad with money, it's because I don't know how to do this. And also it's a little bit of. I don't even want to do that. That sounds. I mean, I want my money to be managed, but I don't trust someone to do it. But this just seems so utterly boring and stressful to me also, because even filling in our couple budgets sheet stresses me out because I have dyscalculia. So I, I mix the numbers up all the time. I want to put 65 and I put 56. So yeah, I think that kind of goes back this fear of the self belief I'm bad with money even goes back to this self belief that I'm bad with numbers more. So.

Yeah. Okay. All right, Lots to unpack.

Cool.

So I want to acknowledge that you're actually an incredible manifestor and money maker. But here's the paradigm that you've grown up in is that you, you get to keep whatever you need, whatever you can justify needing, but anything in surplus of that, you do not deserve to keep. Right. So anytime like you made more money, it had to go towards paying bills, helping other family members. And there's this just base expectation within the family that if you come into money, you have to take care of everyone. Right. And of course you have nurturer in you. Right. So your nurturer is like great. Absolutely. Hahaha. That makes perfect sense. What do you know to be true here?

I know that, I know that it's true that I feel this way. I know that it's true that this, I know that my belief system and this, the issues around money definitely come from upbringing and family, but I cannot seem to, I'm struggling to reprogram myself in how I think about money.

Yeah.

I know that. I want to, but at the same time it's an icky feeling. I mean obviously it's, it's similar, you know, like when you go through therapy and you like dig up shit that feels awful and you have to work through it. So I know this is not going to be a pretty journey, but yeah, I guess I'm, I'm almost scared I'm not going to be able to make it to change this mindset.

Okay. Okay. So fear of not being able to change in the first place.

Well, let's start there.

Okay. Because that's going to hold up everything else.

Yeah.

Where do you feel this fear?

It really is like in the core of my heart, the core of my being that I just feel really. Yeah. Really worried that I'm gonna always be like I am. Where I'll always make enough to live, but not enough to really live the life I want.

Yeah. Okay, cool. So can we, can we feel into that, that being true? Not, not that it is true, but can we feel into as if that were your truth for the rest of your life? What does that feel like?

It feels like I'm repeating the pattern that I never wanted to follow in the first place. I went to university to not let live paycheck to paycheck. I watched my mother struggle with money already growing up at 13, 14, plus my birthday, Christmas, money from other people went to her to pay bills. Yeah, I, I, I never wanted this concern about money and just getting by. I wanted to be able to, I never envisioned being rich. I didn't want to be rich, but I wanted a comfortable lifestyle to where I never had to worry about money. And I, I know that, yeah, if I continue on this path now I am essentially. Even though I went to university and that was supposed to break me out of this cycle I will just be living paycheck to paycheck if I don't change. Yeah. Yeah.

What does that feel like?

It's really sad. It's really upsetting because that was my whole being, my whole wish is not to be like my family and to really break this cycle and go up on the socioeconomic ladder. And I knew it was really hard, but I felt like everything I did, I tried so hard to save money, to put myself through uni, to pay off uni super quickly. And it's like, for fuck's sake. I still am in this cycle where I'm not comfortable and it's upsetting. I feel like I'm letting young me down.

Yeah, yeah. So I just get this image of like you running on a hamster wheel and then being like, I don't understand why it's not stopping. But you keep running. Right.

Question.

In university, was there any counseling on changing your relationship with money? Was there a class you took?

Yeah. Well, no.

What do you know about like going and doing something and how it, it can either transform you or not?

I feel like, yeah, I feel like for the most part, I mean, old me, I was way more hard headed and it was a lot, it took a lot to change my mind. I find nowadays I tend to be really more open minded. So I do try to go into things with an open mind. I wouldn't have paid for you if I really didn't think that I could like some, that something wouldn't change. So I do believe, like from this, that I do think I will get something out of it and I do think I will learn something. But I'm concerned, I guess, maybe to the extent of which I can change because I know these things are so ingrained and I know when things are so ingrained, especially when it's from childhood and it's coming from family, that these things are ingrained. It's. You're reprogramming your whole belief system and upbringing, which is a lot of work. And I guess the difference is, I mean, I've been in therapy for six years, like relearning a lot of other shit as well, so. So it's that I. I almost wonder, like, okay, maybe I can change, but I don't want this to be in like 10 years that this changes. I want this to be now. I want this to be my life now. Yeah.

Yeah.

So question.

If you were to go to like a fine dining restaurant and have dinner there, would you expect yourself to also know how to cook everything?

No. Yeah.

Okay, cool. So essentially that's what you did with going to university. Right. You went and you learned a bunch of other stuff and you figured, okay, well, going to university is what, you know, rich people do and people who have money and who are comfortable with money. So if I do this, I will start behaving like them. I will start knowing what they know about money.

Right.

Unless there's a part in there that teaches you, here's how you cook the stuff or here's how you are with money. That's not the transformation you're going to get. You're going to go and you're going to have an amazing time and you're going to like, take value away from it, but it's not going to shift that part. As I say this, what's coming up.

Yeah. And I think I had the wrong idea. Like, I think that I thought because back then also again, I thought because of this accumulator side and I, I knew I was good with saving. I thought that going to university equals getting a good job. When actuality, haha jokes on us. It's not true. Because even now, like, I mean, millennials coming out of university, we didn't have very many job opportunities. Even then they were asking secretaries to have bachelor's degrees and the pay with shit, and it was being sold a lot. And even then it was super competitive to get these kind of roles. So, I mean, my first job out of uni was 10 bucks an hour. Yeah. And this was a, this was a job that required a college degree. And I thought, what did I do? Like, I thought that I would get a job that would bring more money so that I would have a comfortable life and I would pay back these loans quickly and then be able to save and be able to travel and. Yeah. And then like I said, it's definitely within the last few years that I realized I saved well. But then I spend it because things come up. So, like, I realized, you know, I needed coaching on the business. So I paid for Kathleen because I need to figure out how to get clients. And then I realized, oh, okay, now I get clients, but I have no plan for in no direction for the business because it's just me just trying to get clients randomly. Right. Whereas when you do that, I realize it's subconscious and I'm myself up because I don't really have a goal. So I can maybe sometimes come across as either. Either, like a bit, like, I don't really care so much. Hard to get. Like we were talking about in sales Lab, because I just signed a client yesterday, so I'm not so concerned.

Yeah.

Or I can come across as maybe too pushy because I haven't had a client sign in a while because I have no understanding of the money in the long term. And I. And I'm not aiming for a certain amount every month. I have no goals. And my whole life I. I functioned on goals. That's how I got to university. It was small goals and milestones to reach. And so since I know I function well with goals, I know I need goals, but I didn't know how to set this up in my business because the goals relate back to money, and I just don't know how to do that.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay, cool. So couple things. You know, where. Where in your life have you seen yourself.

A lot? I mean, there's different periods. Definitely when I went to university, because I was from a small redneck town. Going to university, you're exposed to a lot of different people from a lot of different backgrounds. So I started learning about different styles and ways of living. And also I was really shocked because. Because, yeah, of course there's some rich people in my hometown. But it's interesting, too, because my family tends to look at those people as snobbish. Like, we didn't always have a positive view of rich people.

Yeah.

And then when I went to university and just seeing people who didn't even know how to use a washer machine in the dorm. Yeah. And I was like, what? Okay, let me help you. Like, but they had. Yeah, they had made that home that did that. They'd never had to do that in their life or even. Shocking, you know, you're making. Trying to make new friends the, you know, first few weeks. And there was a girl that I started hanging out with, and she always wanted to go out to eat. And I said, I don't have money to go to the restaurant. And she just said so calmly, oh, call your dad and ask him to put more money on your account. I'll wait. It should only take a few minutes, right? Yeah. And I was like, my dad and I haven't talked in years. We don't have a relationship like that. And my mom would lose her shit if I called to ask for money because she doesn't have money. But this person said this. So normally, like, this was the norm. So, yeah, I was exposed to a lot of different people and realized that, yeah, my life was really quite different. But it was good because it's you. Like, I grew a lot, and you're exposed to just. Even in classes, a lot of different ideas. And then of course, when I moved abroad, you're forced to change because everything is different. So. So I guess those were the two most massive moments in my life of change. Yeah.

So is it safe to say that you have changed in the past?

Oh, yeah.

So is it safe to say that you're likely to change again in the future?

For sure.

Okay, so as we talk through that, check in with your body again. What do you feel?

Relief.

Where?

Almost feels like a deep breath of air is just going through now. My. My lungs, my chest and opening and expanding like. Oh, yeah, she's right. It's true. Yeah, I've changed and I can continue.

Yeah. So I want you to actually close your eyes and I want you to focus in on that feeling because that feeling is tapping into some deeper knowledge. It's just stored in your body and your heart center. And of course your heart center does not have a language center. So that knowledge may bubble up in pictures or sensations or smells even. But what's that knowledge that's bubbling up about what's possible for you when it comes to.

It's possible, but I feel scared. Yeah. Yeah.

Where does the fear come from?

My family.

What about the amount.

Amount of money I spend because my family has me up is just outrageous. They're judgmental. And I don't even know why this bothers me because it's money or not. They're already judgmental to me now, so it's like, what's the difference? But I know they look very negatively on people with money. I know that they look at them like that they're stuck up, that they're selfish already. They tend to look at me a bit like that I'm basically not that rich. I'm just living on another side of the world. And even now my mom talks to people in my hometown. Like, it's interesting. Like, oh, you know, she's just in France doing whatever. So she makes me sound like I'm a housewife because, yeah, I came because my partner was here. But I think people really think that, that. And when I do talk to people, they seem to have the sense that I live in Paris and I sit on my balcony overlooking the Eiffel Tower, eating a pono chocola with my coffee every day. And then I walk the Champs Elysees and then I go shopping and that's my life. Yeah. And I'm like, nah, I'm hustling like. And I work like six days a week. And then the seventh day is for cleaning my apartment and doing my grocery shopping. So. So I guess that it's this again though. But like, I don't know why this. It is bothering me like how they look at people with money and how they. And so, but like I said, they already look at me like I am like an alien from outer space and they already criticize me. So I don't know why I'm sensitive about making more money and being criticized in this way. I mean, at least I have money. Like Jesus Christ. Like.

Yeah. So here, here's where it comes from, is that that was your original village and our nervous systems have not evolved beyond. Don't get called a witch, don't be called different because you will be exiled or burned at the stake. Right. We know that to be able to be safe in our village, we have to kind of adhere to however everyone else kind of behaves and believes and acts. Right. And so when our OG village starts turning on us for being at all different, our nervous system gets into fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Right. I. I'm sensing there's a little bit of fawning happen here, happening here. What do you, what do you feel it is?

Yeah, no, no, definitely. Yeah. And I think it is. Yeah. I think, I mean, now that you mention it like this, I think it is. I've always been the loudmouth in the family when people did that I didn't think was right or cool. I always made it clear that like I wanted something different out of life. But. Yeah, you do. I guess at some sense you do know where the boundaries are. And I start to feel like you're right. Like it was still the original village and there was still some connection. But it's almost now that I live abroad and I'm way, way different because I have almost essentially no connection anymore. I never visit hardly. I try to minimize these differences between us because is scary the more and more differences there are and also the more conflict it brings as well. Yeah. And it's really hard to even talk to family members because I cannot be myself essentially. I, if I call them, we talk about the weather and I let them gossip about people. But I cannot say anything personally because I'm doing this wrong or that wrong or they don't understand or. So I think the money aspect is one big thing that I can control and I'm self sabotaging no matter how much I want to be comfortable. I almost feel like this is. This would be the final strike, I think because they would really see me as a complete outsider, because they are usually quite disgusted with people with money.

Yeah. I want to point out something you said a while back, and it had to do with, like, how hard you work and how you hustle. You hustle to get money, like, the money you get. And there's this. This theme of you. Like, when you do have money, you have to be able to point to, I work this much. I work all these hours. Because that is kind of like the bridge for them to think you're not an evil.

Yep.

Right. Oh, well, if she works that hard, then, okay, it's okay that she has money now. But if you were to work four hours a day, four days a week, double that, what would happen?

Yeah. No, that wouldn't be.

There'd be no redemption, right?

Yeah. No. Yeah.

Yeah. So you're never. Your nervous system knows this. Even if you don't consciously know that, know this.

Right.

And so your nervous system is constantly going to create systems and paradigms in your life that keep it safe with your OG village. Okay. Until you start changing it. Right. And you know this. Like, you have super highways around all your money money patterns. Right now what we're trying to establish is, like, little deer trails that you're just going to keep walking and walking until they become, like, human trails, and then carriage trails, and then they can have cars, and then all of a sudden, it's a highway as well.

How do you do that? Practice.

Practice and work and noticing. You know, it's. Unfortunately, it's not like an alert on our phone where it's like, oh, you've spent too much time on this app. You have to log off. Right. So when you find yourself thinking about money and feeling bad sensations, it could be fear, it could be anxiety, it could be like, anger, frustration, exhaustion. The first step is to feel into where in your body you're feeling it. Because what we don't want to have happen is your nervous system just continues.

This way.

Without you recognizing, oh, this is happening.

Right.

You can't get to the rest of the work without at least noticing it. So what are the moments where you start feeling negative feelings about money?

When I ask clients and they tell me it's too expensive, what do you feel? I feel like. The audacity, but towards myself, like, who am I to ask this much money for what I do? And. And it goes back, I guess, to some. And I resonated with Yvonne the other day on the call of her saying, yeah, she felt icky about this pricing, like, paying in full. You get you Know it's cheaper because it is, it seems like it's. The system is set up so that it, it. If you're rich, everything's easier when really it should be easier for the people having a hard time. So I feel like, who, who am I to ask for that much money? And then I feel guilty because I've been in their shoes before, so I do want to help them. I mean, at least thank God I let them go because, and I mean, I've been coaching now for three years, but in the beginning I would take pennies essentially and help people for free. And then I was burning myself out and then I had to say, okay, you already went through one burnout, let's not do another one. So yeah, when it comes to money, because I've been there, it's, it, I'm sensitive to it. But then it can be the reverse because again, this goes back to like what we said as well, this assumption about people. Because there can be students that are rich because their parents give them tons of money. It doesn't mean that they don't have access to money. But then I sometimes get mad because someone does give you the air that they have the money and then they tell you it's expensive and then you're thinking, no, you just don't want to invest that much money. But then I'm pissed off at that person because I now feel bad because I think that my pricing, because they've hit a trigger for me saying my pricing is too expensive. And then I become pissed off. But it's me allowing them to get under my skin like that. I mean, I shouldn't allow that. That's the thing. But.

Well, the shouldn't, shouldn't aren't really helpful here. Right? Because it's not, it's not something that you decided to, to have that be what you react to.

Right.

This is something that like you've been brought up in. Like even before you learned how to speak, you were picking up on this anxiety around money.

Oh yeah, but, and oh, but already, like from a very young age, my mother was telling me, we don't have money, our electricity is going to be cut off. Like she really told me way too much. So I'm super paranoid about money. And I'm. I mean, I've grown a lot through therapy because I mean, I had some really fucked up practices when it came to money. Like my mother always said, you have to have lots of banks because what if the bank you over, poor person, $5 in each account. But I had like six bank accounts when I was in America.

Right.

And like hiding money under mattress kind of thing, like really, like, crazy thinking. So, I mean, I have corrected some of the really crazy behaviors, but I still realize it's the mindset stuff that is the longest lasting that I cannot seem to.

Yeah, yeah. The, the fear of money being taken away is a big trauma.

Because, I.

Mean, if your money is taken away, that is your livelihood, that is your ability to exist. Yeah. Something that we can dig in here or something that you can work on in therapy wherever you're feeling safe to do. What was the thing that I wanted to double click on? So there's this fear. Often when you're the one that's growing and you're like growing outgrowing how everyone you grew up with did something, there's this fear that it's just going to be, you're cut off. Like, even if you don't even like the people. Right. There's this fear that they will just reject you. Right. And we tend to project that on potential clients, on colleagues. Like, if you are too successful, then that is just the paradigm. Like, you either have to be this or this. And if you're too much of this, you don't get the support. But if you keep yourself small, you get the support, but you don't get to get what you want. There's. There's another way to look at this. Okay, so just like how you went to university and you started seeing other people and how they manage money and their relationship with it and how like they just had endless amounts to it or access to it, you recognize, oh, cool, there's a different way of being with money. And whether. Whether you liked them or not, they kind of gave you a different model that you chose to say, okay, cool, I actually don't like the model I was given. I like these other models. I would like to start moving towards having that model.

Right.

When you start doing the money work, it's on them. It's their responsibility to either look at you and be like, oh, interesting, she doesn't operate the way we do anymore. And she seems happier and she seems safer and she seems like calmer and more grounded and more fulfilled. Interesting. Like, what is she doing? And it's their responsibility to either level up to where you are or choose to stay where they are. And it's the same with your clients. When you say, hey, this is my worth. This is the, the impact that our work together is going to have and it is worth this amount, it can absolutely activate Something in them like, oh, scary. But you embodying this is what this is worth, and this is what my work is worth, can actually do something really transformational for them in what they see their work is worth and how they can be when they ask for money. You know, imagine. Imagine you were a coach who was helping people get jobs, and you still had the money mindset that you grew up with. How much money would your clients get paid? Probably not that much. Right. You'd have them settle for, like, the smallest amount.

Yeah, yeah.

Whatever. You can barely survive on. That's enough.

And that's. That's the worst part, though, is that the biggest thing, like, it sounds, like, so hypocritical. The biggest thing that I teach, and especially women clients, because we tend to lowball ourselves, is that, no, no, you're gonna ask for more than this. And I coach people on this, and I. I. Yeah, I'm not doing it myself, but as I said, like, I think it really does go back to this crazy fear of how I'm gonna be seen by my family. And even then, like, I am not close to them at all. Like, we already have so many issues, so it's like, why the do I even care? Like, it. It's almost really frustrating because it's, like, knowing, but then, like, changing the belief is a different thing. And it's like, I know better, but I can't seem to change it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So first and foremost, who's your new family?

My partner.

Your partner? Who else?

I think that's the problem is that I don't feel secure in having a family unit. Like, I have close friends, like, and really close friends. But I don't really feel like. If I had a problem. I guess that's the thing. Like, my family really is my partner and my partner's parents. And the sad thing is I feel like my partner's mom loves me more than my own mother does. She's super wonderful. But at the end of the day, it's this. And I'm very cognizant on, that's my partner and his family. That's not my family. And what if something happens? I mean, we've been together for 10 years. Like, it's not like we're having relationship problems. Yeah, but what if. Yeah. And I feel like I've tried to create other close connections, but it's hard to make close connections as a family if people. If other people already have family. You know, they're not looking for found family when they already are close to their Family and all the close friends I have, they will tell you I'm their best girlfriend. I. I'm like, we're a core group, but they already have their own family, so they don't need family.

Let me re. Ask the question. So, yeah, when. When you get into your mind, into your head about thinking about what your family will think about you, if you were to go to any one of your core group of friends, to your partner, to his parents, and say, oh, my God, I just made $20,000 this month, like business.

Oh, they would be thrilled. Yeah.

And why would they be thrilled?

Because they would be happy for me. They would be really ecstatic for me.

Yeah. Would they want anything out of it?

No. If anything, they would go and say, drinks are on me. Let's go celebrate. And it's me who got the money. Yeah.

So as you say that, what does that feel like?

Reassuring and sad at the same time. It's sad that my family cannot do that for me. Yeah. But it is reassuring because you're right that when I do make money, there will be people here to support me and cheer me on. And my partner tells me all the time, I'm just waiting for you to get rich so I can be a house husband.

Tell him it's coming.

Yeah, like, he's. He really is like, yeah, he really is like, I'm waiting for the day. He's like, I don't have any this toxic masculinity problems about like my, My woman being the breadwinner. Please, please, go ahead. Yeah. And yeah, so practice.

You may want to start implementing at the end of the day. Have an alarm in your phone and do a little mental check in with like, if I told everyone what I did today, if I told these people who are generally happy for me, would they. Would they be happy with me? Would they approve? Right. Because we have to start training your brain to start looking to the people who will actually be happy for your success for the sake of you having success rather than the paradigm that you were brought up in is look to the people who will approve. Who won't approve.

Yeah. I guess this is like, hard to adjust because growing up, love was conditional. You had to be and do things in order to get love. And there were a lot of heavy expectations. And I told my partner, when he complains about his parents, the had the like, perfect childhood. Really. I one time, it's been 10 years and it was like last year, I finally demanded like, what. What skeletons you have in your closet? I have yet to discover them. Like what? Like what? Someone in your family must be up, like, tell me like the worst thing. And he was like, he really thought. And he was said, well, I guess it would be that my dad's cousin cheated on his wife. And I was like, that's it. Like, that's it. I was like, my cousin has stolen from me multiple times, like money. And like we have just so much backwoods, redneck, hillbilly crazy stories like drug addiction, overdoses. Like, I'm like. And that's like the worst you can come up with your. And even then I feel like his family really does love me for me. I can disagree with them at the dinner table and say, no, you shouldn't think like that. That's really close minded. And then they will start and we will even argue together. But it's a healthy argument, like a healthy discussion. And yeah, like, I never, I never had that. Yeah.

I mean, what you're describing is the difference between crabs in a bucket, which, you know, how they operate, crabs in a bucket and manatees. You know, you're coming from a crab in a bucket environment. And so you're just expecting that. You're expecting to be pulled back. You're expecting for everyone to just try to keep you in the bucket. And here you're amongst a bunch of manatees who are just floating around being nice to each other and enjoying life and supporting each other.

Yep. I have the, I noted down. Yeah. To, to make a note on my phone to remind myself about. Yeah. The things I do. Who is. Who are the people that are cheering me on in this? Who are the people that are not going to judge me for my success?

Yeah. So in the beginning of our call, you mentioned that your program's not good enough and all this stuff. So it actually makes perfect sense why you believe that. And we can absolutely audit it and like see if there's any tweaks that can be made, whatever. But the whole, I mean the whole theme of what you're talking about is that there's always a trade off for love, for money, for energy, for attention. Right. And usually whatever you do is never good enough. Right. And that is absolutely not true. That is their trauma, that's rejecting you because they've been rejected. And they can never be good enough. So they just decide to project it onto you. And then when you do do something that is beyond their wildest imagination of being good, of being successful, of making money, that's terrifying to them because they would, they can't even conceive that they would Be able to do it. But if you can do it, that calls into question. Their whole reality calls into question, like, oh, well, why aren't I changing my life if she can do it? And that's really scary for people. What you're doing right now in your business is kind of like the phase of business that I see most often when you're. When you're coaching people through stuff that you're still working on. It's. I call it playing with dolls. Right. And it's a phase that is actually really important for you to go through.

Right.

Because what do we do as kids? We play with dolls. And, like, what do we have the dolls? Do we have them do the jobs that we want to do. You know, this Barbie's a fashion designer. This Barbie is a teacher. Right. And what we're essentially doing is we're seeing them do it so we can imagine ourselves doing it. And there's nothing wrong with that. The fact that you struggle with. I mean, case in point, the girl who's like, oh, we'll just call your dad and ask for more money. Do you think she would be able to coach someone through asking for more money? If they have beliefs around their own worth. Yeah. And even if she tried to, would they believe her? Would they have any connection with what she was saying?

Yeah, I know, because she hasn't been there.

Exactly. So the fact that you struggle with this is actually what makes you so credible with your clients.

And I think that's like. I honestly think that I'm my own worst enemy as to why my business is not growing. Because, yes, I do get people. Like, the biggest thing is that people say it's expensive because. But at the end of the day, I. A lot of people don't even know how much coaching cost. And even, like you said, it's not even about coaching. It's about the result that you want to get out of this. Yeah. And so that's. That's on them. But there's been tons of people that didn't bat an eyelash when I told them the pricing, and they said, great, when can I sign up? Like, when can we get started? And that's why I think sometimes on these sales calls, I almost think that's why I realized that. Yeah. When you said when you were. I already know my ADHD is, like, hard to run a business. But then when you were like, oh, yeah, like money trauma and this, I was like, oh, yeah, you are what I need. Because I know that. I think I fuck up sales calls sometimes. Subconsciously, because I decide I don't need this money, I don't need this client. Yeah. But it's subconscious because I just signed a client. So I'm like, I have enough for the month now. Yeah. And I'm like, yeah, yeah.

You keep yourself just the level of survival because that was what your nervous system got acclimatized to as a child.

Yeah.

Right. So anytime we are doing something that is outside our. And this is like, when I say comfort zone, I just, I don't mean like the fluffy comfort zone. I mean, like nervous system level comfort zone. Right. For you to have, like an extra $10,000 a month in income and, like, that is going to feel unsafe for you for a very long time. Right. Of course, doing this kind of work as you get there is going to help you kind of feel into it and breathe through it and kind of readjust to that being your new comfort level. Right. But for right now, like, do not expect yourself because you're never. Your nervous system has never had a moment where it's. It's recognized. Oh, cool. This is my. This is where I feel like I can survive best. Right. No one's going to try to steal my. Here I'm safe. Like, I have just enough to survive, and that's good enough. Right. Your nervous system thinks you have anything more, you're going to be able to become a target. Okay. So what we have to work on is getting you to more and then have you hold on to the money, not get rid of it. Because sometimes when you get the money, throw it away like a hot potato.

Yeah. And then. And I even noticed sometimes that sometimes this is what happens. Like if I do get lucky and sign several contracts. Yeah. Then I'm like all of a sudden deciding, like, oh, I have a bigger book budget, that I can buy more books this month. And I mean, I will spend €200 on books and then €200 on new candles for my apartment. And then all of a sudden, I'm just spending a couple hundred here and there on things I all of a sudden magically thought that I have to have. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So logistically, there are a few ways to deal with this. Do. Do you have a business bank account or does everything just go into your bank account?

Okay. No, I have a business bank account.

Okay. And do you pay yourself out of the business bank account or do you just transfer money as you need?

Yeah, exactly. Okay.

Okay, cool. So here's. Here's what we're going to work on. We're going to work on getting you to the point where you have $10,000 coming into your bank account every single month and you pay yourself out of there and you leave the surplus there.

Right.

We're not even going to get into investing yet. We're not even going to get into how you can make that money grow, because you have to show yourself that you can have surplus money and not die and not be a target and not be the person that people hate and reject and all the things. Right. That is the work that we need to do right now. Okay. And you know what? You pay yourself, you're going to choose, like, a salary that you're going to pay yourself, and it's going to have your book budget and it's going to have the portion that you pay into rent and so on and so forth. But right now, like, we have to get you to the point where you're comfortable having, like, several thousand dollars that are just kind of. It's just there. What does that feel like?

Already a bit stressful.

Yeah. Okay, cool. Where are you feeling the stress? I want you to feel into your body. This is great practice. Okay. So close your eyes and feel into your body. Where is that stress bubbling up.

Two places. It almost feels like it's a super fucking tight corset that is, like squeezing all my internal organs.

Yeah.

So it's hard to breathe and it feels like a lump in my throat.

Yeah. Okay, cool. We're gonna. We're gonna go into the corset. First and foremost, I want you to feel into that tightness and just focus on it. As you focus on it, what happens to it?

Starts to release a bit. Yeah.

And what does it feel like now?

It's really slowly. It's almost like people are like, loosening the strings so that it's like more and more breath coming in.

Yeah. Okay, so I want you to take a big, deep belly breath. Like, fill up your belly full of air. Show your body that you can breathe and take another one. What's here now?

I still feel nervous, but it's manageable. It's not constricting. Yeah, it's. It's nervous that you can push through, you know?

Yeah, it's nerve. It's like new nervous.

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Nervous to try something new, but not like constricting nervous. Like danger. Danger. Danger.

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And where was the other part that you were feeling? The.

A lump in my throat. Yeah.

Is it still there?

A little bit, yeah.

Okay, so again, I want you to close your eyes and just send all Your awareness into that lump. And feel into it. And as you focus in on it, what comes up.

Starts to feel like it minimizes. And it's now moving more down my esophagus out the way so that I can breathe. And it's not. As. It's not blocking anymore. Like, it's. Yeah.

What was its job?

My instant reaction was to make me shut up.

Shut up about what?

About this topic. Because I think that it doesn't. It's almost like a mechanism, like a safety. Like a malfunctioning safety mechanism to say, no, no, no. This is like the nervous system reaction like you, that you were discussing that. No, shut this down. Like, you're going down a dangerous path because.

Yeah, this is malware. Don't. Don't click on it.

Yeah, yeah. And this. I mean, I'm really glad. Like, I've done a lot of therapy before because I can recognize some of these things for. For what they are. I don't know. I. If I could have recognized these things without doing it, because I did understand when you grow up in a dysfunctional family, essentially your alarm bells, your smoke alarms, they are faulty. They don't function the same way someone from a healthy place comes from. So you have to realize everything in your body, everything in your mind may be telling you danger, and it's actually not. So you have to really reevaluate what you're feeling if it actually is a threat or not.

Yeah, that. And you have to learn a whole new, like, SOP Book, you know, around what the emergency actually is.

Yeah, yeah.

Anything else you want to cover right now? Because we just went deep with money work.

I'm really big about homework because I always want to make sure that I'm going forward. So what would you say for me next steps to work on before our next session?

Yeah, so what I want you to do is a few things.

Okay.

So at the end of the day, when you do that kind of check mental, check in with your loved ones who support you, I want you to do something along the lines of this exercise. Okay. So I want you to pick a number, and it doesn't have to be the same every day because your tolerance will kind of ebb and flow. But if you had an extra $10,000 in your bank account and you knew that you had an extra $10,000 coming next month and the next month and the next month again, I want you to check in with your body is like, what's the reaction there? Right. Because what we need to start working on is Getting your, your nervous system to the point where that's not a, like, I can't breathe and I can't speak, like, don't go there kind of moment. Okay? And so you want to do exactly what we just did, where, you know, you do a scan of your body, you notice where you're feeling a reaction. You want to feel what is that reaction, and just focus in on that sensation in your body until you feel it to start to loosen or dissipate or fade off into the sunset. And the question I want you to ask was, what was that sensation's job? So we're doing a combination of, of somatic reset and then that cognitive reset, just recognizing what its job was. There's also the question of how can you do things in the most lazy way possible. Right. Because you have this, this part of you that thinks that you have to overwork to justify how much money you make. Okay. So check in with yourself from time to time and just say, okay, cool, I just did all this work. What would the lazy way have been? Right? Or I'm about to tackle this, this project. What would the laziest way to do this? And when you do, I want you to notice the voices in your head. That's not good enough. You're not going to get anything out of that. That's not going to work. Who are you to expect someone to pay $6,000 if that's all you're doing? So wherever you want to build that into your daily program, And it's helpful. I know you have adhd. I do, too. Whenever I have to do this stuff, I set an alarm on my phone and I block it off in my calendar because otherwise it's just not going to happen.

Yeah, exactly. And that's, that's the main thing is that I just need to make sure that, that I put it into practice. Like I, like you said, I have to do a calendar block because otherwise I'll say, oh, I had too many meetings today, I'm tired. And so otherwise. Yeah, okay.

Yeah. And if you can get your partner on board, if, if, you know, he can, if you guys can sit down, you can kind of do this work while he's doing something else. Like maybe you can tie two habits together. You know, that's sometimes really helpful. As for, you know, a jumping back into, like the business part of this you mentioned, you know, when people say no and they say it's too expensive, want to just set the expectation that you should be getting 50 to 75% no's?

Yeah.

Yeah. That says that your pricing's on point. And also, one of the things we want to look at is what is the marketing that is drawing those people in. Right. Because sometimes we do chase after poverty. Right.

And I think. And I think that's the problem is that I give off that vibe because I come from poverty. So I'm like, I feel you. I got you. And I do want to help those people, but I. I'm not running a charity. I have to keep telling myself, like, I'm not running a charity. Like, I need to take care of myself and my poor partner. Like, he's so great. I mean, I guess I deserve him because I had a really shitty partner before him. It balances out. But he's. I mean, he is intact. And, you know, they make tons of money. So when I told him, like, years ago I wanted to do freelance and I just made pennies here and there, he. He took the brunt of, like, you know, payments for us. And. And. And even when I wanted to do different things, he's like, yeah, go for it. Super supportive. Like, I've got us covered. So now. But now he is burned out and hates tech. It's really. I'm counting down. Like, I think he has a month before he burns out, but he won't listen. Okay. So I'm like, yeah, I want to. Yeah, I want to be the breadwinner, because that excites me, and I want to. But, yeah, like you said, I think it's that I'm attracting, like, calls to, like. And so then I attract these people because I do have this nurture thing and I do want to help these people. But at the end of the day, you know, when you work with people, it's draining.

Yeah. Yep.

And you can only work with so many. So if I'm working with all these people for free or for pennies, when does people who pay really come into play?

Yeah, yeah. And, you know, want to acknowledge, like, this is what happens for me is sometimes I'll talk about, like, my abusive ex and how I got away, and, you know, I won't go into, like, trigger warning details. But what ends up happening, and I've kind of backed off talking about it, is that I'll start attracting women specifically who are just getting out of a really abusive situation, who feel like doing something. Like starting a business is going to be the thing that heals them and gets them to that point. And it's not like starting a business is going to make everything so much worse.

Oh, my God. You have to be in a really good mental state to start a business. Like, I mean, I tried to start a business when I was coming out of depression and it failed. And it's like now looking back, it's like, well, no fucking reason. Like, I mean, of course, like, and now that I've done the work, I've been in therapy, like, I felt so mentally ready and charged, I know I can do a business. It's just these little hiccups because.

Yeah, totally. But you know what? So it start. It's part of your story to struggle with money, right? It's part of my story to, like, struggle with relationships and toxic relationships. And so we tend to empathize with that in our content. Right. And what ends up happening, we're empathizing with the wrong target market. Target audience. Right. Not that they don't need empathy. Not that they don't deserve empathy. Not that they don't support. Deserve support. They're not our ideal client.

Yeah.

Right. They're not in the place where they will benefit from what we do if they. Even if they have the money.

Yeah. Right.

And so the question I want you to ask when you're, when you're looking at your marketing is who am I empathizing with and what's the fear I'm sharing?

Right.

Because you and I both know that someone who is making like a solid income in one job, who's just not happy there and who really wants to find the career that is going to work for them and, and like, maybe move from a toxic workplace to a not toxic workplace place, you know, but they have the money, they've, they've heard of coaches. Like, they have friends who've worked with coaches before, and they're really just looking for the person who can support them in that transition. You know, there's a price tag that they're going to have a comfort level with that someone who is broke and jobless, who just needs a job, they're not going to be able to do.

Yeah.

You know, and it's going to scare the out of them and it's going to make them feel unworthy and they're going to. Okay, it's going to activate stuff in them, it's going to activate stuff in you, and then it's going to be this whole downward spiral, you know, but you have, you have shared fear with them because that's what your nervous system is kind of working through right now. Right. So we want to kind of uplevel your fear to, to match up with that higher Level client. So it might help you to actually write a couple different posts. Like the same post, but speaking to different clients. So you can see, here's the one that's sharing the fear with, you know, the people who are brokey broke and they cannot afford anything. And here's a post that is sharing the fear with someone who's higher level, who has more money, who has the comfort level with spending money on coaching. So you can really see the difference. Because who knows, there may be a point where you do need to share the fear with the person who's broke. Broke. You might have a digital product, you know, and it's going to be an affordable way for you to help them. What questions do you have?

You said write three posts, one for broken, broke people, one for kind of more so the ideal client. And then who would be third for.

Oh, I'm sorry, so you. I said a few, just as a generalized thing. Okay, do I mean, you know, do the same post for both of those parties. And then if you want to do a third post that is towards the. The more affluent group, you know, then you just have another piece of content to post.

Okay. Okay, Good, good.

What other questions do you have? We have seven minutes.

Not about this, but I wanted to know more. So maybe how to maximize and better utilize you, the community. So I understand. So Sales lab is really like talking about selling and how to get better at sailing. This is more so the group talking about the things we'll go through in advance then Brave Biz Labs. Is this just an open time to ask any questions? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, open time to ask any questions. And it's also an opportunity for you to meet everyone, Right? Because you can't build a business on your own. You need business besties. Right? And so come to that, you know, when you feel like you need a connection or if you have questions or if you just want to like, hear what other questions people have. Yeah, it used. It's funny. So that that call actually started during the pandemic as kind of a lead magnet, as a lazy webinar, you know, and it evolved over time. And then it was only in the last year that I realized I was giving way too much away for free. And a lot of my clients were already coming to it. So I figured, okay, well, I'll make it primarily only available to people in my paid communities, right? And then one time a month, I'll open it up to be the lazy webinar that I originally started off as. So use it. Use it as you need it's, it's not. If you don't come to a single one, it actually won't affect your progress. It's just that extra boost when you need it.

Yep.

Yeah, great.

Yeah, great.

And in that call, if there's anything that you're working on that you need help with that you want to ask other people in the community help for help with, like, full permission to do it there, you know, if you are going and doing more market research interviews and you want to ask people if they know anyone, if you want to ask for referrals, if you want to talk through any of the money mindset stuff, you know, absolutely ask for that in that call. Okay. And then of course, the heartbeat chat, like, any questions you have in between our call, or if you have an aha in your money work, or if you write those posts and you want feedback on them, then share them 100%, go and post them.

Okay.

Okay. That's what I'm here for, and that's what the program's for.

Okay, good. Yeah, good. Good. Yep, Sounds good. Okay.

Anything else?

No, I think this is good to start with. And then. Yeah. And, oh, one quick thing though, because I'm math dyslexic. I was looking when I was trying to change again the pricing, and then I also, I thought it wasn't enough, but If I do 715 per month over six months, I would have to have more than 10 clients if I did that, like, if I did the math correctly. So does that mean then I need to increase the pricing per month if I want less than that? Because I ideally wouldn't want more than 10 clients.

Yeah. Yeah. So right now we're kind of in an in between phase with your offer. I want to get you to the point where you're confident asking for more money.

Okay. So it's just a stepping stone. Yeah. Okay.

And of course, like, you know, if you want to keep it there, then we can also add in another product or another service, like a group program or a digital product, and that can kind of close the gap on the $10,000 a month. But for right now, we're just trying to inch you up just a little bit so you can, like, show yourself that you can charge more and not die. Right. And once you do it once, then you'll be able to do it again, and you'll be able to do it again, and you'll be able to do it again until you realize, okay, cool, here's where I should be.

Okay.

Okay.

I just hate this so Much. Because I know, honestly, I do know how dumb this sounds. Like. I do. It's just like.

Yeah, welcome to the club. You know, when you have trauma.

It.

Feels like such a basic bitch problem to be like, oh, well, this person in high school is mean to me, blah, blah. But it traumatized you. There's actual trauma there. And sure, like we make fun of it in movies and we see, you know, people complaining about. Doesn't seem like a big deal. But it is a big deal.

Right.

Because it impacts your nervous system.

Yeah. Right.

And what your nervous system sees is like, like death worthy, you know?

Yeah. And it's. I feel like it is up my life because I do want to be successful. I want to grow my business and I, I realized I am my own worst enemy. Yeah.

You know, I actually don't see it as fucking up your life. I see it as like the building blocks for you to build your business on. Right.

Like your.

Your personal journey here and your personal growth that is going to be invaluable to your clients. Your ability to empathize with where they've come from. Right. I'm sure you have a bunch of self help books, right? Okay. The intro, the first chapter, somewhere in the beginning. They're not talking about how perfect they've been always. They're not talking about, oh, well, here's the fancy school I went to, I got straight A's and blah, blah. No, they're talking about how they crashed and burned their lives. They're talking about their childhood trauma. They're talking about, you know, I was in the foster care system and I bounced around houses and no one loved me and blah, blah, blah. To show their, their audience, the reader, that if they could come from that kind of background and get to this point, then the reader can too. Right. You know, it's, it's shitty that you have to work through it and shitty that you have to heal from it. And also, I mean, it builds so much credibility with your clients. Right. It's not like you just read a book and we're like, oh, cool, here's what you do.

Yeah.

You understand that there are things that are just deep seated beliefs and emotions that you genuinely have to take your time and work through, you know, and that's going to give you a level of patience that they're not going to get from other coaches.

Yeah. True. Good.

All right, good, good.

We're at a good stopping point. Yeah. And I have nice homework to work towards, so.

Good. And if you have any questions, you know where to find me.

Okay. Thank you.

All right, thanks. Have a good day.

See you. Bye. Bye.