Having the right people in your corner

Your words. I can taste yo, yo, yo, I.

Can taste yo, yo, yo, I can taste. Yo, yo, yo, I can taste.

Yo, yo, yo, yo, I can taste y. Hello and good evening, everyone. And hi, Sandy. And hi, Abby. Welcome. I'm here tonight with one of my dearest friends, Lauren Lafkowitz. She and I have been doing this challenge, this 30 day, going live, every single day challenge. Today's our 26th day, and we are, like, limping up against or up towards the finish line. And we were literally just on the phone just like, we have to go live. Don't. And we decided just to do it together because it would be so much easier to have that energy together than it is apart. Hi, Lauren. Thank you for having me.

Hi. I'm grateful for your intro time period because I had to log into Streamyard separately, and it reset all my settings so I was not mirrored. And I kept looking at my own face and thinking, like, why does my face look weird? And it's because I'm not used to seeing my face in that direction. So it gave me the time to update the settings so that I was mirrored so that I wasn't looking at myself, I guess the way other people look at me, which is also weird. Yeah.

Right. And it's funny. And so I. I get freaked out by that all the time. But it's funny because it's like we see it as unattractive the other way, but it's totally just so unfamiliar.

Yes.

Right. It's just like, oh, God. And we're like, is that what everyone sees? And then we get, yeah, just. But no, like, everyone sees us just as we are.

Yeah.

You know, they're not looking at our face as often as we are.

You know, it's like. It's like seeing a doppelganger that I don't want to see. Oh, she looks like me, but I don't really like her face.

Now.

It's better.

It's like the ugly twin that we all have that, you know, lives in our zoom machine. Right. But no, I loved how we came up with the topic about having the right people in your corner. And, I mean, you can't do anything in life without the right people in your corner. It doesn't. It really doesn't matter what it is that you're trying to do. And I'll use. I'll use our. Our friends that are watching on Instagram. It's like, Abby is an incredible horse woman. She rode horses as a. As a teenager, and I remember that. But she had, like, Such a supportive family and, and you know, it's such a cool thing, but it takes so much, takes so much to learn that. And then Sandy's this incredible realtor and, you know, she has this incredible team in her corner and literally she'll be the first one to tell you you can't do what she does without the right support.

Yeah.

And we, we can't do the right, the things that we need to do without the right support in our business and in our lives. Yeah. Yeah.

So, you know, I've had a very weird week. Yesterday was my birthday and three days before that I said goodbye to my dog after 16 years and I have sympathy and birthday flowers in my apartment and it's like a total, like, mind warping. Look at, like, these really beautiful gestures from people that don't match.

Yeah, right.

Happy best day of the year and worst day of your last 16 years.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

So we ended up here because I called you and I was like, make the grief go away.

Right.

And you told me that you couldn't and I didn't like it. But still, I'm glad to have you in your court in my corner because you normalize things for me.

Yeah.

And I know it's normal to be, like, down and also, like, there's this, like, inner fight that, like, I want to be all in on my life. Like, I'm excited about so many things and I'm like, very, very tired from the last week.

Yeah. Yeah. I, it's funny, I went through a really dark period in my senior year of high school and I was really depressed. And as I was coming out of it, I made a deal with myself that like, you know, feeling all the feelings was the greatest gift, you know, because I think so. Someone, you know, ended, ended things for themselves in that time and it really scared me because, you know, like, depression, like, you just don't know where it's going to go. Right. But I was like, oh, no. Like the worst things that happen, like the, all the terrible feelings, like, it's all, like, it colors the landscape that is your life, you know, and it's awful when you're going through it, but it's like the alternative is not having it. Yeah, right.

Yeah, totally.

Not to say, like, be grateful for this terrible thing that happened.

Right.

You know, but it is, it's just one of those things that I'm, we all have to find our way to, like, create context around it. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, and for me, like, I, I, I thrive on, like, very dark humor and Empathetic humor. And so to be able to, like, talk to my people about this situation, which is, like, probably the. The saddest loss I've ever gone through.

Yeah.

You know, the. The night that. The night after I did it, I went and sat with my friend Mary Jo, who is a longtime friend and who came with me to pick my dog up when I met her. When I met the dog. And so to sit with her on the day when I said goodbye was, like, really important. And we had our tears together. And then we went out to dinner, and our server was super attentive and kept coming over to check on us. And she was like, how are you guys doing? You doing okay? And we'd be like, yeah. And then she'd walk away and we'd be like, we're actually very sad.

I think I said. Told me about that. I'm like, I've been a waitress and I'm like, she was in the kitchen, like, I don't know what I'm doing wrong. They're so unhappy. Something's wrong.

They.

They're gonna, like, stiff me on the tip. I just can feel it. Yeah.

And then she came back and she was like, you need anything? And. And she walks away. And I'm like, can you bring my dog back? Like, like, we have to. Like, you have to have those people in your corner who can laugh with you about, like, the most terrible things and also, like, sit with you in your grief and cry with you. And.

Yeah.

And so I think tonight we just were like, I don't want to do it. I don't want to do it. All right, let's just do it together so we can win.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, and I mean, everyone reacts to different things, and I'm just having, like, a low energy day. I'm just tired, you know, it's not like I've had a tragedy happen in my life, but, like, that happens. We're not robots.

Right.

You know, as much as you want me to be able to wave a. Wave a magic wand and, like, take all your feelings away, you know, it's like, we're gonna have these low energy days. We're gonna have days where something devastating has just happened and we still have to show up.

Yeah.

Because we're here to do something. And to be able to do that, you have to have people that you can lean on, you know, and turn to and have dark, really dark up jokes with, you know?

Yes, exactly.

Yeah.

And so you asked me if I had had enough water, and I said no. And you asked me if I had meditated today, and I said no.

Yeah.

And I didn't do anything to support myself today except pick up the phone and call you, so. And, you know, I reached out to a couple of other people, and I'm just. I feel really lucky that I have built community around me. I. I tried to lone wolf it for a lot of years, and I've always had, like, a few really close friends, but I. I. Oh. I often found myself reaching out, like, after I had resolved a thing.

Yeah.

To say, like, this terrible thing happened. Here's how I handled it. Here's why I'm okay now. How are you?

Yeah. Yeah.

And I don't do that anymore.

Instead of asking for help, you debriefed them on, like, yes. Situation after the fact.

Yes. Yeah. It made me feel really capable and lonely and, you know, like, there's this combination of, like, I can do anything. I'm so resilient.

Yeah.

And then this realization that, like, we don't have to be resilient by ourselves.

Right.

Right. Yeah.

It's funny. Like, I. I used to do the same thing, and I used to joke that, like, I'm, like, the most functional depressed person when I'm depressed. Like, you'd never know. Like, I'm wearing makeup and I'm dressing nicely and my hair is done. I'm going out, but as soon as I come home, I'm just in bed. And you would never guess. And my therapist, at one point years ago, when I was going through a really dark period after something really terrible happened, she's like, you have to tell people. Like, they're not gonna guess that you're going through this really hard struggle right now unless you tell them, because all they're seeing is who's showing up in therapy right now, who has her hair done, who's wearing makeup, who's dressing nicely, who's really thin because you're not eating.

Total lack of nourishment.

I was like, my greatest. When life goes to hell in a hack.

Come on, make it worse. I need a new haircut.

Lose that last ten pounds. But, yeah, like, it's. But it does take practice. And I remember, like, texting friends and just being like, hey, I picked, like, three people. And I was like, hey, you wouldn't know this. You have no reason to know this. Don't feel bad that you don't know this, but I'm really struggling. And I listed off the ways that I was struggling, and I was like, if I get really bad, I need someone to know what's going on so I can reach out for help and not have to explain it in that like deep, dark, like cavern of hell that I'm in.

Right.

But it's so hard when you have grown up to just be super self sufficient.

Yeah, yeah. And I did. I like, I, for so many years, I just like solved things on my own. It's so much harder to do that than to build the relationships with people to like be on your side.

Right. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Yeah. What's, what's it? The three hardest things to say in the English language are I love you, Worcestershire sauce and I need help.

And for some people, I'm wrong.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know. That's limited to English, but sure. Yeah.

Yes.

Yeah.

I, and I was, I was actually thinking today about, we're going to Florida next week to be with our friend Lauren who launched a whole company like that and, and meeting all of these people We've met through LinkedIn over the last however many years.

Yeah.

Who we've never met in person and we're perfectly willing to stay with for a long weekend. I know. And they used to tell you not to get into a car with a stranger. And I know.

Right. Like, literally, I'm going to you on Monday, Tuesday, we're hitting the road. We're driving to Ariel Lee's house. Who we both never met in person.

Correct.

We're sleeping over at her house. We're kidnapping her the next day. Not kid. I mean, if you're watching this place, she's, it's consensual driving with her seven hours to Orlando, where we're staying with all these other people in a house that like, we've never met these people in person.

Yeah.

You know, and it's, it's going to be Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday night. That's four nights.

Yeah.

That's a lot of nights. And then we're doing the same on reverse back.

Yes. Yeah. So Ariel better still like us on our way back, she's like, I think.

I've, I've booked a flight.

I found a really expensive flight home, so I'm going to take that.

I found these nice gentlemen. They say they're driving north. I'm just kidding. Yeah. But what's funny is that I know the, like these women that we're going to spend time with. It doesn't matter that we've never met in person. I know that, like, if I needed help, if I needed like advice, if I needed to talk, I could call any of Them. And they would pick up the phone and they would be there.

Yeah.

You know, but, like, that is just like the. I mean, it's the true gift of the interwebs. I know it's a dangerous place for some, but, like, it's really this incredible, supportive place for. For the rest of us, you know? Yeah.

And I've never met a bear on LinkedIn, though.

Right.

But I. I would. I would maybe trust a bear that I met on LinkedIn.

Totally. Yeah.

Yeah. But it's like, these are people, like, we've. We've exchanged money with because we've done work with some of them, and, like, it's amazing how you can build really deep, trusting relationships.

Yeah.

With people you've never actually met. And, in fact, the person who helped me with Puppy, I keep bringing it back to my dog, like, yeah, my dog's dead.

I'm not laughing at the fact that your dog's dead, just the way you said that.

I'm reminding myself of Debbie Downer from Saturday Night Live. Remember that time my dog died? But the friend who helped me with the decision is, like, an amazing talent of a pet communicator.

Yeah.

Who I met last year through LinkedIn, through. Also through Lauren Howard, because she was on Team Difficult, and. And then she tried to help me with a insurance issue I was having, and we went quickly from, like, very polite, like, gosh, that's so generous of you to offer to help. To, like, I think my trauma started at age, you know, and now. And now she helped me make the decision.

Yeah.

To help my dog, you know, go where she needed to go. And we've never met in person. We've talked on the phone, we've been on Zoom, we text all the time. We have a very good meme game going in Instagram and real. Reals game, just like you and I do. And. And I. I know fully that when the time comes to meet her and she's in Texas and I'm in Maryland, and who knows, you know, when we'll actually be in the same state at the same time, but, like, we'll be in the middle of a conversation already. And I love that we get to do that in our lives.

Right.

Yeah. Well.

And it was like you. You and Anna kind of coming to my place in Philadelphia a year and a half ago, you know, and it was just like. It was like having family over. Yes. Without the pressure of having to impress.

You, but, like, without having to actually entertain.

We went out, we got cheese, we got bread, we watched movies, we did one touristy thing and otherwise we just hung out at my place with my dog.

And even the touristy thing we did, we barely did.

Yeah. No Liberty Bell. It was the lamest thing in the world. If you're in Philadelphia, you're like, I would like something interesting to do. Don't go see the Liberty Bell. It's not interesting. It's a hunk of metal. It has a crack in it.

And then we stood on a street corner deciding, like, were we gonna go to that museum or that museum or. No, let's just get cheese steaks and pizza and go back to your.

Yeah, smart.

That was a smart decision.

I mean, it's not funny. Haha. But like, that next week, Luna almost died. My dog. Right. And you, you are the only one to be like, do you want me to drive to you? I can come and just be with you. I can drop puppy off with someone and I can just be with you. Even though Luna was like in the hospital fighting her for her life, and I was just beside myself losing it.

Yeah.

Really, like, it's, you know, it's. If, if you don't have the right people in your corner, you're just not going to make it. That's it.

Yeah. Yeah. Or you, you are. And it's going to be such a struggle that you're gonna, you're not gonna want to, like, there's no, there's no reason to like, revel in your loneliness.

Yeah.

And I think a lot of us do that. Especially like high achieving women. We just think we're supposed to. We think like our job is to help other people. And, and so if we're the ones helping other people, there's like nobody sort of up the ladder to help us.

Right.

And what I have learned is it's like this is, this is going to be really like several years ago. Me is rolling her eyes at how cheesy this is going to sound. But it's not about building up, like, people to look up to. It's like, it's building a circle of people. Right. And building your community around you and knowing that you can look in any direction and you have people.

Right.

I'm embarrassed for me. That's really mushy. Yeah. I'm exhausted. I'm going to need to nap after this.

Yeah.

You made me this way, Katie. You did this to me.

It's on you now. You know, it's funny, I'm thinking about this really, like, goofy movie called the Valet. It's on Hulu. Have you ever seen it did. I make you watch it. Okay, so it's the premise.

You made me watch Exit through the gift shop.

All right. Right. So. But anyway, so there's this famous actress, and she's having an affair with a married man who's really wealthy. And they get caught by a photographer. And so they. And, like, chaos ensues. And, like, there's this valet who ends up in the picture. And so they pay the valet to pretend that he's in a relationship with his actress. This actress is, like, so, so successful, and she has no one. She has her publicist, she has her assistant. Like, her mom is in jail for embezzling from her. And she becomes really close friends with this ballet and his family and, you know, but, like, she finally has people.

Yeah.

And, like, her life just completely flips because of it. Yeah. And I mean, but it's just like. It's such a. You know, none of us are immune to this.

Right. Have you seen the show Hacks?

Yes.

That's another, like. Well, that's such a great show about, like, a woman who just is, like, alienates everybody.

Two women. Two women who alienate two women.

Yes. And they, like, accidentally crash into each other and be. Can begin depending on each other in, like. Yeah, very funny, very touching, very sad kinds of ways.

Yeah, Yeah. I. I have to admit, though, I got like, halfway through season two, and he's on the lesbian cruise where she started being so awful on stage. I, like, had to stop. I was like this. I know this is the third season.

Yeah.

But. Oh, my God. What's her name? Gene Hackman.

No, no, Gene Hackman is man in his 80s name.

Then.

It'S. It's something like. It's something. Gene Smart.

Gene Smart. Thank you. She's. I mean, she's just phenomenal in it. She's like.

Yeah, she's amazing. And the woman who plays her assistant or her writer is awesome.

I don't know.

I don't. I don't know her name in real life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's. Great show.

Yeah.

Anyway.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I'm grateful to have my people in my corner. And I don't think you can go through this life and have, like, a whole full life without deciding that you're worth having people in your corner.

No, no, no. I. You know, it's funny. I. I think about my clients who are the most successful, and the ones who are the most successful are the ones that have, like, the most emotional support in their corner. You know, they actually don't have to Be well off. They don't have to, you know, be like super well educated. But if they have really good emotional support and they feel like they're supported by their people, like, that is a huge, huge part that gets completely jumped over when, when we're talking about, you know, what gives someone an advantage in starting a business.

Yeah. And I, I find this with my corporate clients too, that, like, the ones who have the hardest time haven't built the emotional capital around them. They've isolated themselves. And when they start learning to network internally, when they start learning to network, like, across their industry, they start to feel a sense of belonging that they didn't know they could have.

Yeah.

Because there are other high achieving humans out there who feel the same way. Right?

Yeah. Right. Yeah. Well, then go us. Look at us. We're just us. Go find your people right now. Go find your people. Yeah, well, and also I think one of the funny things is that, like, when you go through this process of doing anything that's like, brave and outside your comfort zone and, like, designed for emotional vulnerability in a lot of different ways. Like, you realize, like, you have people in your life who actually, like, block it from happening and you have to just, like, like, you're out of here. You're gone.

Done.

Yeah. Like, you really have to clear the field. Yeah, yeah.

Your energy goes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I used to expend a lot more energy on doing free work for people because it came easily to me.

Right.

But it doesn't come easily if you're doing it all the time.

Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No more.

It's all over for you suckers.

All right, well, we should celebrate. We just did. Day 26.

Yes.

7, 28, 29, 30. We have four days left.

We have four days left.

Yep.

So see you Saturday because we're gonna wrap up together too.

We are. We are gonna wrap up together. 30 day challenge. I'm really impressed. I think, like, the, the key to our success with this was the consequences.

They. They were excellent consequences. And I can't wait to hear what your ideas were for my consequences. And I can't wait to tell you what my ideas were for you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You'll enjoy it. We'll do that on Saturday. We'll do the big reveal. Yeah, yeah.

Amazing. I'm proud of us.

Anyway, I want to thank Rest and Relax, Boston, Abby and Sandy and anyone else who's been joining us who I just didn't see come through, if you didn't comment, it's been so lovely to have you and if you do not have the right people in your corner, go find them, please. And, Lauren, thanks for doing this with me.

Thanks for doing this with me.

All right, have a good night, everyone. I'm Katie McManus, business strategist and money mindset coach.

And I'm Lauren Lefkowitz, executive coach. And I think fine is a trap.

Yes, and it is. All right, have a good night, everyone.