Scared of Judgement

Hello, everyone. I'm Katie McManus, business strategist and leadership coach. I'm going live tonight because I wanted to talk about something that I went through when I started my business and I completely forgot about it until I was on a call with a prospective client today. And she described exactly what I remember going through when I started my service as being a coach in the world. And for those of you joining us, just so you're aware of some tech technical glitches we usually have on the Katie McManus Show, I do this through Streamyard. I stream it to the Facebooks, both my, my personal profile and my business profile. And then I'm also going to LinkedIn, and then I'm also going to YouTube. Sometimes comments from either Facebook or YouTube don't come through. So if you're commenting from those places, I love this to be interactive. If you have questions, if you have comments, if you're experiencing something similar, put it in the comments, Say hi. But if I don't say hi back to you, it is not you. It is just the technology. It is imperfect. But anyway, I'm so excited to talk about this tonight because this is something that I hear a lot. And for some reason, the way this person I won't name who described it this morning just remind me of. Reminded me of that experience when I started working for myself. And if you're reading the description of this hi, LinkedIn user, for some reason your name's not showing up. But hi, I hope you're doing well. So the experience is that you become a trained coach, right? You go to training, you go through certification. Hi, Danya. Nice to see you. Oh, from Chicago. I hope It's. It sounds cold there right now. I'm so sorry, but it's one of my favorite cities, absolute favorite cities. But anyway, so you start your business right, and you're terrified to tell anyone. Just terrified because you're just worried that they are going to judge you. They're going to judge you, they're going to laugh at you, they're going to think you're stupid. For me, this showed up. I had bounced around from career to career a lot in my 20s. Okay. I moved to California when I was 22 to be a sommelier. And if you don't know what that that is, it's like the fancy wine person in a, in a fine dining restaurant. Oh, hi, Dan. Nice to see you. I think we're talking tomorrow. I'm really excited for that. Oh, the weather's been nice in Chicago. That's good to hear. I'm glad Seattle used to be better. Okay, well, yeah, Seattle's been a little cold lately. We've been having beautiful weather on Cape Cod, just in case you're curious. But anyway, so I moved to California when I was 22 to become a sommelier, which is like a high, high end wine person, right? And I did that for a couple years and then I got bored and then I quit everything and became an actress for about six months and that obviously didn't work out. And then I got poached by Equinox to do sales for them. And then I moved on to the solar industry and then I moved on to the cybersecurity security industry. There is a stint in there where I managed a yarn shop and taught knitting. I mean, I've done a lot of things and I just couldn't seem to settle. And all the while, no one knew this. All the while, I always wanted to be a coach. I always wanted to be a coach. I always loved supporting people and helping them see everything that was magnificent and wonderful about them and really help them get through their shit, you know, that was just my favorite thing in the world. And so when I finally got the courage to go and become a coach, I was terrified of telling anyone because I was worried that they would say, oh, Katie, she's so flaky. She jumps around like, how long is she really going to do this for? Or, you know, she probably wasn't good at her job. That's probably why she's leaving and doing this thing. And let's be real, there were some jobs, especially restaurant jobs in there that I was really bad at. I will totally own that. If you came into a restaurant in San Francisco when I was waiting tables, I apologize for everything that I forgot to bring to your table. I was not. I was not the best server or restaurant person there, you know, that's all I can say. But anyway, what I found astounding is I got challenged by one of my dearest friends, Orit Mazur. I got challenged to send an email to my entire network telling them that I was a coach. And the challenge was to give away free coaching. This is something that I don't advise new coaches to do, by the way, but at the time, I didn't know any better. This is before I developed my whole business building system that I do with new coaches. But to offer these free calls, and I swear to God there were people from high school, college that booked these calls. I got a client from school. There was someone from my wine world days that booked a call and was like, I want to work with you. Someone who is older than me, you know, had had far more life experience. There were people from my sales careers, people from acting. Like every single part of my life, they just wanted to work with me. And it was such a gift that I got that feedback in that moment because it told me, oh, my God, like, no one's judging you. And if they are, they're not saying it to anyone who's ever going to tell you about it. And it almost seemed like people were just waiting for me to get the guts to and stop being a weenie, to go and start my own company and start coaching and start doing the thing that really mattered to me. So this came up on this call today, and it just hit home. I was hearing this person describe feeling the exact same way, and it just brought it home for me. Oh, my God. I forgot what it felt like until that moment. It just. It's so funny, you know, we have these fears until we work through them, and then we work through them, and it's like they never happened. I really, you know, there. It's moments like that. But I wish I had kept a journal throughout this entire process because I would be able to go back and say, this is exactly how I felt. That would be such great. I mean, that would be great content. Because I'm sure I did some embarrassing things. And everyone on LinkedIn likes embarrassing things, right? Hi, Steve. Welcome. Welcome to the show. I wonder if it's. Is it dinner time or did you already have dinner? Because you normally have to jump off. So the real. Why am I telling you all this? So whatever it is that you are holding off on doing because you're worried that people are going to judge you for it, you gotta knock that out, okay? Because even if what you want to do is really weird, there are going to be some huge cheerleading supporters in your past life who want you to go for this. And not only do they want you to go for this, they want to be your first customers. They want to be your first clients. They want to support you in every way, shape and form possible. It just takes you to stop being a weenie, stop being afraid of something that may or may not happen. I let being afraid of being judged stop me a lot in my life, and I still do to a certain degree. This is very human. Oh, Steve. You're driving home. We'll drive safely. Hopefully you're keeping your eyes on the road. But, you know, it's human to Be afraid. You know, we. We come from ancestors who lived tribally. They lived in groups, and they survived off the land. And to survive, you had to stay within the group, which meant that if you pissed anyone off or you made anyone upset or you seemed too outside the box for them, you could get booted from the group, which means that you wouldn't have the resources that were available to the group, which means that you could go and starve to death in the wilderness. And die. Steve. I'm experiencing this in real estate. Thank God for red light. So, yeah, yeah, real estate. You know, anytime you do something that you've really wanted to do for a long time, this is, by the way, in coaching, we call this your saboteur. The saboteur is that voice in your mind that tells you all the reasons you shouldn't go and do the thing. Okay? So when you're out and about with your friends and you see someone attractive across the room and you want to go ask for their phone number, that voice pipes out and says, they're out of your league. Nope, don't go for them. Uh, remember that time you got turned down? It was real embarrassing. Yeah, you don't want that again. Don't do it. That's the voice. That's your saboteur. If you're applying for a promotion at work, it's that voice that's looking through the qualifications saying, nope, you don't got that. You don't have that. You're questionable on that program. I wouldn't apply for this. You're not qualified. And when you're starting a business, it's that voice that says, oh, people are going to laugh at you. People are going to laugh at you, and they're going to think you're stupid, and they're going to think that you're flighty and you don't know what you're doing and all this stuff. And you know that voice is meant to protect you. Let's give it credit for that. But it's only way to protect you is to keep you in the status quo. And if the status quo sucks, guess what? That's where it wants you. So I always have fun with my clients when they. Well, not fun, but, I mean, if a client shows up with the saboteur, planning the call, I'll call them on that. I'll say, hey, listen, it sounds like your saboteur is planning your business right now. That's not a useful place. That's not a useful person to be on the call with. So what I'M going to do is I'm going to hang up on your saboteur and you're going to call me back when the saboteur is gone. Just because it is such a powerful voice, you can't let it play because if it has a say in your life, it's going to keep you from going for real estate, Steve. Which I'm so glad you didn't let it. And yes, yes, your friends want to use you for real estate. They were just waiting for you to step into your real estate shoes. Everyone has something that they, that they want to do and it doesn't necessarily have to be professional. You know, it could be artistic, it could be recreational. You know, I have one of my best friend, I just want her to take up knitting so we can knit together. At some point she may do it and she'll have a whole knitting community around her. But until that day, and that's kind of a stupid example, but you know what I mean. Yeah. The point of this, I'm going to keep this short tonight just because it's late and I have early calls tomorrow. But the point of this is that, you know, we all have that script in our head telling us all the reasons we shouldn't go and do the thing and they're all bullshit. And actually I'm just going to edit what I just said. Not everyone has this voice. Not everyone has this voice. Psychopaths and sociopaths do not have this voice in their head. They have no self doubt. So if you have this voice of doubt in your head, this saboteur voice, congratulations. You are not a psychopath or a sociopath. Yes, Steve, I went on a knitting tangent. I'm sorry, I don't know where it's going. But you know, don't let your, your saboteur voice of doubt plan your life for you because that life that it wants for you is just. You have food, you have shelter, and you have people around you. The food may suck, the shelter may leak, and the friends may not be great. When you tune into your inner leader, when you take a deep breath and actually give yourself credit for what it is that you want and everything that you're capable of, that, that is where magic happens. That's where you actually get to take ownership of your life and really own that narrative. Lauren. Huzzah. I'm neither a psychopath or a sociopath. Well, Lauren, we knew that about you, but I'm so glad you're coming to this realization. Also, every time I see the word huzzah or hear it. I don'. Know if anyone has seen that show on. What is it on Hulu called the Great. And it's all about Catherine the Great. And it's kind of satire about Catherine the Great and her. Her coup that she commits so she can become Catherine the Great of Russia. She basically kills her husband, but. Oh, my God, it's so funny. But they're constantly saying huzzah and throwing glasses on the ground and. Anyway, complete tangent. Let me see. LinkedIn user. Sometimes they hear voices, though, telling them to do it. To do it. Yes, well, I mean, we all have voices in our head. You know, there. There are absolutely diagnostic voices that, you know, are problematic, but everyone has voices in their head or. Actually, I'm going to correct myself again. There are some people who don't actually think in a voice in their head. A very small population of the human race. I think it's something like 3% of people don't actually hear that voice in their head. I think is bizarre. I can't imagine, you know, not having a running narrative all the time. I think they think in. In pictures or smells or some other sensation. I don't know. Oh, hi, Larry. Yeah, for some reason you're showing up as just LinkedIn user. Yeah. Anyway, what else did I want to say to you guys tonight? I don't know. This was not planned. I didn't mean to go live tonight. I was gonna take this week and have it be a little light, but this just struck me so hard today also. I just want to share, you know, for everyone out there. I had a. I had a little mini meltdown today. I was making lunch and it just struck me how lonely I am and, and lonely just not being around humans. You know, I'm on Cape Cod, I'm at my family's house, and, you know, there's no one around and there's no place where you can go to just be around humans passively, like coffee shops. And I felt so much anxiety. I was having, like, not an anxiety attack, but just, like, anxiety was welling up in me and I had a nice little cry, you know, might have snapped at my dad a little bit, but, you know, made it up. And, like, you know, we talked and it was really nice. But I know we're all going through various versions of this to, you know, to different levels. We have this anniversary coming up of the pandemic hitting, and I meant to touch upon this the other night, but I got completely taken away with the. The other thing that I was going to Say so just, you know, for those of you who've never been through a trauma, just, you know, trauma anniversaries can be really hard. They can be really hard. And let's give ourselves credit. We were. We went through a trauma. We've gone through a trauma this whole past year. We're still going through it in many ways, especially for those who are living in areas that are having natural disasters on top of everything. But when you go through a trauma, the anniversary brings up a lot of stuff. And it can be good, it can be bad. It's usually emotionally heavy. And just to be tender with yourself this weekend, you know, the realization that we lost a whole year, and not only that we lost a whole year, but we lost half a million people and lost jobs and many lost homes and lost food, security. It's. That's a lot. That is a lot of grief to go through. And I'm getting teary. I'm getting emotional right now. Give yourself a break. Just give yourself a fucking break. If you're feeling anxiety or sadness or depression right now, give yourself a break. You are doing the best you can in extraordinary circumstances. And my tendency when I get stressed out is just to go, go, go, go, go. Just keep doing. Add stuff to the to do list, stay up late working. That only works for so long. That only works for so long until you burn yourself out or until you hit a wall. And I don't want anyone to have to go through that. You know, I'm sure, I'm sure I'm saying this. You know, if that's your way, it's going to be your way. But I just ask all of you to just take a few moments for yourself and just process little by little, you know, all the emotions of, you know, what has happened in this past year. It's a lot. It's a lot. And we've been processing it with having direct view into how other people are processing it. No one, no one in history has gone through a pandemic in the way we have. Normally, people are just cut off, but they're in their small little communities and we, you know, I'm glad that we were able to isolate even further for the sake of the virus not spreading. But humans are not designed for that. We're not designed to be alone. We are social animals. And Zoom is lovely. It gives us just a little bit of what we need. But I know for myself, the thing that I am mourning the loss of most this past year is that passive time you spend with friends, you know, where you're hanging out at someone's house or you're going for a walk, or even you're out to lunch and you're just kind of ignoring each other, as bad as that sounds, you know, there's no active conversation. Maybe you're both on your phones and sending each other memes, or maybe you're watching the show or just enjoying the ambiance. There's a level of intimacy that happens there. You know, that you're allowed to be quiet, that you don't have to be on and entertain, and you don't get that so much on Zoom or over the phone. When you're. When you're on Zoom or over the phone, there is, you know, there is purpose. Like, you have to have something to say to be on the phone or on Zoom or else. Why are you doing that? For me, that's what I'm mourning the loss of this past year. And it's one of the things that I'm going to say, seek out so hard when all this is over. But, yeah, I just, you know, my heart goes out to everyone who's lost family members, who've lost friends and loved ones. I'm so grateful that my. My friends and family have been safe through this, even though some of them have gotten sick, have gotten Covid, and in some cases, it was really scary. Anyway, yeah, that's. That's what's going on in my world. I just wanted to give you that insight. You know, I come on here and I'm bubbly and I'm happy, and it's not always that way. And I don't want anyone to ever assume that everything is. Is wonderful for everyone else, because you know what? It's hard. And I think we need to show that side a little bit more, because otherwise people are going to feel like they're struggling in a vacuum all by themselves when everyone else seems to be handling it. Just. That's so not the case. Anyway, that is my personal disclosure for the evening. Let me see. Let me see. Mark Haas from. Oh, my gosh. YouTube's coming through. Oh, Mark Haz, you want to marry me? Thank you. That's. That's. That's the first. I've never gotten a proposal through this. LinkedIn users scared to be myself these days. Yeah, it's. Being yourself is a hard thing. I'm just playing with my necklace just so. I just saw myself on camera, like, reaching down my own shirt and playing with my necklace. I'm not doing anything weird. Okay, Steve Foley, let's see now those people are scary. Cape Cod. Sigh. I know. Cape Cod is only really nice in the summer. In the winter, there's nothing going on. You can't really go to the beach, obviously, because it's freezing. And no offense to Cape Cod restaurants that are open during the winter, the cuisine is limited. Let me just say that. Let me see. Steve. Oh, Steve. You're be here this summer. We'll have to meet up. Mark, we have to know. Thank you. I think I'm a good person. Yeah. And I don't know what it means to have a white heart, but thank you anyway. Getting distracted. Anyway, marriage proposals and I've cried today and all the things. Anyway, I'm going to end it here. Thank you all for joining. It's been lovely. And keep doing you and take time for yourself. Take care of yourself. You know, I remember a year ago today I made a trip to Boston for a fundraiser for a politician that I support and to have coffee with a girlfriend in Boston Common. And that was the last social outing I had for a really long time anyway. And then the world shut down. So take time. Anniversaries are hard. You're doing great. And go get them, tiger. Anyway, I'm Katie McManus, business strategist and leadership coach. So excited to talk to you all. And I will see you all soon. Bye.