Katie McManus recounts being approached by a stranger in a bagel shop and argues women should stop minimizing their discomfort. She says vocalizing boundaries loudly isn't overreacting—it's necessary self-protection against societal pressure to prioritize others' comfort over safety.
Chapters
Yesterday I had a creepy old man interaction. And I want to talk about it because in hindsight, like, in thinking back as to, like, what I wish I had done differently, I realized that there's this whole programming that us women have around not making other people uncomfortable, even when we're feeling uncomfortable. Okay, so yesterday, I was go. I went to the bagel place in my town, and it has, like, this small little space inside where you can, like, line up an order. Order. So oftentimes there's a line that goes out the door. And there was someone in front of me, and they were being very respectful of. There just weren't. There wasn't enough space inside the shop for them to, like, open the door and step inside. And the guy who was behind me was this old man. He, like, was standing so close to me, like, so close that if he were my grandfather and was standing that close to me, it would still be like, why are you standing so close to me? And I kept, like, moving away, but then I was like, is this guy trying to edge me out of the line so that he can jump ahead? Like, what is going on here? And so then I kind of got territorial around my space. I was like, no. Anyway, so someone left, and he went to open the door to try to get the person ahead of me and myself to go in, even though there was no space. And so the person ahead of me was like, there's not enough space for people inside, so we're gonna stay outside. And he just kind of, like, looked at us like he just wasn't connecting. I don't know. It was very bizarre. So anyway, so one more person left, and the person ahead of me walks in, and one more person leaves. And I'm like, oh, man. Like, if I go inside, this guy's gonna follow me. He's not gonna wait until there's another space. And sure enough, like, I opened the door and I stepped inside, and I stepped inside just across the threshold. There was not a lot of space. Sure enough, he's right there. So anyway, so I move and he steps close, and then I move again, and he steps close, and then I move again. And I finally said, you know, oh, we're not respecting personal boundaries here, are we? And he just kind of, like, blank stared at me. And the person ahead of me, like, clocked what was happening, but, like, there's not much they could do. Anyway, so I get to the front. It's finally my turn to order. And I went to order, and there were only, like, a few everything bagels left, and I'd wanted to get a bunch for my family, so I ordered some. And this guy was in my space, so much so that the person behind the counter thought that we were together, and he's, like, trying to order stuff that, like, I want that there's not a lot left of, like, jumping in. And the woman was like, is this the same order? I was like, no, I don't know who this guy is. And I got so flustered that, like, I screwed up my order and, like, they helped me fix it later. But anyway, in hindsight, I wish I had created more of a scene. I wish that in that moment, like, I had clocked, I'm uncomfortable. And let that be enough for me to say, yo, you need to back the fuck up. This is my personal space. You're making me uncomfortable. And while I was thinking through this after the fact, my brain was like, oh, my God. Like, that would be such an overreaction. Well, and then I started thinking through, okay, well, what's wrong with overreacting when you're uncomfortable? Like, overreacting to the point where you harm other people? No, obviously not that, but overreacting and speaking forcefully and loudly so that everyone can hear that you're uncomfortable by this person. Like, why is overreacting bad? And then this morning, I was journaling about this as I started doing morning pages last week, and lots of stuff comes up, and I realized that, like, my brain has been programmed from a very, very young age to prioritize everyone else's comfort over my own. And that anytime I prioritize my own comfort and sense of safety over the general comfort of the people around me, that feels like an overreaction, which I can then be judged for. I just want to share this so. So that other women who are out there in the world and are made uncomfortable by people of a certain gender to give you permission to overreact. And I just want to point out that the thing that you think is going to be an overreaction is actually just you stating a boundary and you telling people, hey, you're making me feel uncomfortable. You're making me feel unsafe. I don't like this. All right? That is going to feel like an overreaction, and I think we need to have more of them.
