118. Why Do I Take Things So Personally?

Foreign. Welcome back to Leadership in a Nutshell. I'm your host, Kenny Chapman and I'm just honored. I'm like buzzing with gratitude today as we get a chance to sit down or maybe we're running on the treadmill together. Maybe you're on a hike, maybe you're in the car wherever we are together today, I'm just so honored and so grateful that you give me a chance to spend a couple minutes with you as I talk to myself and I talk to you and I talk to all those voices in my head and all those voices in your head as we share this time together today. Episode 118 why do I take things so personally? And I just, I wanted to spend a little time with you today of just as such a reminder, I, I see clients that that blue collar success group works with that has different levels of leadership, different times and of perspectives and there's this human concept that we just kind of, we jump to the worst, if you will. Like, like we have a tendency to jump to conclusions as we know, but it seems as though it's the worst conclusion a lot of times. And we look at negativity and of course we're taught negativity by collective societies agreement with negativity. I mean fear, fear and negativity sells newspapers and news media and all the different things that big business has decided as a way of marketing and advertising to us based on what we lack, where we're not healthy, where we're not good enough, fast enough, smart enough, good looking enough, whatever the cases are. And what happens is we end up developing a limiting belief that almost says the world's out to get us and that other people just care about everything that we do at a level that's simply not true. And so today. Why do I take things so personally? I just wanted to get you enrolled and engaged today with checking in with yourself. I know. I recently had a, I've got a buddy that runs a. Or has he does some investment advising, investment coaching. I don't know the exact like what he would consider himself as a title, but we've become pretty good friends over the last few years and I recently had a situation where I've just decided that I wasn't going to work with him at the level that, that I was planning to or that he thought I was going to or this or that. And we're pretty good friends and I feel that we're personal friends beyond our business relationship. And so I counted on that and I, I hit him up and shared with him What I was doing and how I was moving some things around and some different strategies that I've implemented in my investment portfolio and why and some of that. And I hope that everything's cool with you, and I hope that we can be good, whatever. And. And so then it was like, oh, yeah, no, it's all good. And we had a great chat about it that his friends do. Okay, cool. I like clear conversations. I like clarity and communication. I'm an abundance guy. All those different types of. Okay, cool. So everything's great. This happens on like a Thursday or something. We have this chat. So on Friday, I shoot him a text and was like, hey, I know he was dealing with some challenging stuff in his personal and business life at the moment. And so I shot him a text like, hey, man, hope everything's awesome. To focus on the positive. And just one of my coaching texts that I send my clients periodically, as well as sometimes my friends. And I didn't hear anything from him. And this was. I take that back. It wasn't on a Thursday. We had. Yeah, we had the call on a Thursday. I sent him the text on a Monday, and he was traveling the following weekend, and I didn't hear anything from him. So Monday, nothing. No response. Sometimes he doesn't respond. Same day, one of. One of those buddies, right? And then. Then it goes, okay, well, and then Tuesday, nothing. Wednesday, nothing. By Wednesday afternoon, I'm starting to talk to the lovely Christie, my number one coach in the world, and I'm like, what the hell do you think is going on? Like, why haven't I heard back from him or this or that? Well, I don't know, man. Well, I thought our friendship was deeper than that, but I don't know if it. He's butt hurt or what the deal is or what. Did I say something wrong? I look back at my text threads, I look back at emails. I know the conversations we have. Like, hang on, wait. And then we go through Thursday, Friday, nothing. I'm s. Like, well, okay, I guess it kind of is what it is. Well, do I reach back out? So I go through all the coaching that I give other people. I do the work. I write about it. I feel kind of work my way through. And then lo and behold, Monday hits and I get this long text from him. I'm so sorry. I got sidetracked. I've been in a personal funk. I wasn't in a clear head, and I had these challenges, and he had this whole thing that took place that I wasn't aware of that had Absolutely. How much to do with me? Let's throw a goose egg on the scoreboard, ladies and gentlemen. That had nothing to do with me. And yet, as developed as I am in my skills and my tools and my mental evolution and my mental regulation and my emotional regulation, it wasn't like I was wrecked like I would have been in the past. I would have been playing the blame game and oh, screw him. And I told him and he's not a friend of mine, none of that shit. I was just like, huh, this is weird. I just didn't see it coming. And so when he hit me back up, it just was another reminder. And I just wanted to record today to remind you it's never about you. When we start taking things personally, it undermines our confidence. And when we take things personally, it's actually, it's a confidence killer. Because I like in this situation, I just share vulnerably and openly with you here on, on this podcast and one of the reasons that that I want this platform to just chat with you and why I will have guests at some point probably, but right now, just like a solo cast chat with you where I go, for me, I wasn't like, my confidence was wrecked, but I started questioning myself a little bit of like, man, did I say something? Was it. Did I promise something that was taken out of context? Like it started like killing confidence in a minute and I'm like, hang on, wait a minute. The other thing, when you take things personally, it's not in alignment with abundance. My I'm an abundant minded guy. I believe in abundance. I'm an abundance thinker. I believe that everything that happens is here to serve me. And I don't get to choose that conditionally. When shit happens in the world, if you will, or I get challenged or things don't go the way that I want, it's always that chance to check in and go, oh, okay, well, I didn't plan on this, but I do believe that everything is here to serve me. And I don't get to, well, this is here to serve me, but that's not. This person's here to serve me. But that one's not. This one stole from me. Wrong me did me the. Well, that. Okay, so it goes back to that. When you take it personally, it's not in alignment with abundant. I personally, I want to be in alignment with abundance. And so when I take things personally, it takes me out of that. Here's the reality. Some things happen. This is a little trivial situation I'm sharing and I Call it trivial because it's not, nobody's going to die or any of that type of stuff. But relationships matter to me. And so if I have a friend that's kind of fallen out with me, I'm like, wait a minute, what's going on here? And I've had close friendships that have ended in the last 18 months. And I've had close friendships that have moved on over the last three to five years. And I've had friendships that changed after I got sober a few years ago. And different things take place. And that's okay. Here's the reality. Everything is somebody's truth, but it doesn't have to be self judgment. So I can go, well, this is weird. I don't know why I'm not hearing from this friend and I could have hit him back up or this or that. But I'm also in a place where I don't want needy relationships. I don't want to be questioning, did I say something wrong? Did I do something wrong? I've had those codependent relationships in the past. I'm not interested in that. I'm interested. If I pissed you off, say, hey, hey, dude, you pissed me off. It's one of the things I love about my leadership team. We have a very open, clear relationship in our leadership team at the blue collar success group where we don't tiptoe, but we hold each other in compassion. When we first got together, we were a little hard on each other. It was like, well, I'm going to say this and better not take it personal. I have everybody read the Four agreements that joins my leadership team and I recommend it to everybody on our everybody in the company to read. Don Miguel Ruiz wrote a great book called the Four Agreements. It's mandatory if you're going to be on my leadership team that you read the book and you're able to understand. The second agreement is don't take things personally. The first one is be impeccable with your words, speak your truth. Well, the thing is like if you're going to speak your truth and you don't do it with compassion or empathy and just expect people not to take it personally, like delivery matters, right? So. So we have to work through some of those things, especially in the forming of a new relationship or perhaps leadership team type situation. But the reality is that all judgment is self judgment. When people take things personally, it's about them. In this case, it had nothing to do with my buddy. It had me an opportunity to work through. It was a mirror of previous Relationships that I've stepped away from because I didn't want high maintenance and because it wasn't serving. And I want co not codependent relationships. I want interdependent relationships now. I want co value in relationships. That's the only co creation that I want of value and I want that. I don't think it's equal parts necessarily, but I think it's equal intention. And I want you to just think about this. Why do I take things so personally? When you ask yourself that question, just dive in and look at these things and see where are some areas. Maybe it was a team member, maybe it was a spouse, maybe it was one of your children. Whatever it is, here's four things I want you to think about. Number one, when you take something personally, question your belief. What do I mean by that? Well, it has to be this way. Well, I texted him and I didn't hear back from him. Well, what's my belief is my belief that I have to hear back from him right away. One of the reasons I decided to let it lay is he has a different texting relationship than I do. I personally, I don't want to be on the hook. I've had relationships where the one you like, you send somebody a text and if it's been 30 seconds, you're like, oh my God, were they okay? What's wrong? What's. I don't want that. I don't want to be tied to my technology that much. I might be on a free day with the lovely Christie, and at the time I'm recording this, I'm not aware of a way you can set autoresponders on text messages. So when I'm traveling or I'm out of pocket or I'm hiking or I'm taking a free days with Christie over the summer, I'm not engaged in technology. I'm taking technology free days. Whatever it is, I don't want you tripping. If you text me or send me an email, I can at least set an autoresponder on email, but I can't on text. So I'm just like, hey, wait, maybe I need to question my belief that I should have heard from him by now. Ah, there we go. Now we're starting to get somewhere. So if I'm taking some personal, question your belief number two, just be busy building your own freedom, building your life that you just don't care. Like, I know I'm a great friend. If I'm not fit for you, that's cool. There's plenty of Other people that I can add value to their lives and they can add value to mine. That's all good. My peer group's stronger than it's ever been. It's not as big as it's ever been. When I say intimate, close friends as a peer group, it's not maybe as big or as wide reaching as it's ever been, but it's deeper, it's more authentic, it's more genuine than it's ever been. Why? Because I'm more deep with myself. I'm more authentic with myself. I'm more genuine in my own skin. So when people are. When you're taking it personal, just get so busy you don't worry about them judging you. Number three, stop giving away your power of feeling. If I'm taking it personally, then I'm giving away my power. Somebody didn't like the color of shoes that I wore. I remember I was on an on site. It's funny, that just popped in my mind. I was in an on site at the time, the largest company in the United States of America, plumbing, heating, air conditioning company. I won't, I won't name them, but many of you will know who they, who they are. Or there's a large privately held company. And I went in. The owner has a fair bit of ego, let's say. And this is year like this is probably 10 years ago. I was on site there and the owner came up and I'd never met him before. I was on site. One of his service managers made the call to bring me in from. Based on recommendations and the results I was getting at doing my training and ride along program and such. And, and so I went in and I traded. I trained 70 technicians a day, four days in a row. So at that time they had about 300 trucks on the road. And so I just did a single day training four days in a row. New new blood each day, right. And I was worn. I was wearing sneakers. When I left a previous best practice group where I had to wear a suit and tie and all buttoned up and, and shooting. They're like, no, I'm a blue collar guy. It's why I named my company the Blue Collar success group. I wear a sport coat and I wear tennis shoes and that's how I roll. And so anyway, I was wearing sneakers and they're clean and they're nice. And this was a little before, like super. Everybody's wearing sneakers now and everybody wears them with suits and whatever. And that wasn't really the case. Like I said, it was about 10 years ago, and he would come in. In the training room in the morning and just light me. Oh, you got on sneakers again today, huh? Yes, sir. I'm wearing sneakers today. Oh, my gosh. That's. I said, just judge me by the results that we get, my friend. Just judge me by the results. It's not about what I wear. It's about the results that your team's gonna give after this. And I. And I just think about that. Like, I could take it personally. Like, he didn't like my sneakers. Well, what I knew he was gonna like is the results that I got him in his business after a huge pop and record weeks. Weeks in a row after. After I was on site there. And so I was. I remember the first day I went back to the hotel, and lovely Christie's in the hotel waiting, and. And we. We connect and go to dinner. I'm like, damn, he's. This dude's rough, man. He's in. He was. He's known for being tough in the space and whatever and, like, man. So I was taking it personal. I was giving away my power. It's who I am. I've got to be comfortable in my own skin. If you don't like my shoes, don't hire me. That's what it's about. Number four, it's not about you. It's a reflection of them. So remember that no matter what it is, when you're taking something personal, you're. You're taking on something that's not yours to take on. Meaning if somebody's judging you, then you're taking it personal. It's. It's never about you. And when you realize, like, there's no reason to take something personal, if somebody said something, it's not about you. If somebody did something, it's not about you. If somebody went out and. And didn't do what they were going to do, it's not about you. But I take it personal. And I'm this and that, and they should have, and they could have, and they didn't. Stop the insanity, my friend, and get your life back. It comes down to one simple question. Do you want to feel good or bad? Period. That's the question. If you want to feel good, stop taking things personally. If you want to feel bad, pour it on. Put gasoline on. Taking it personal, and you will walk around mad. When somebody honks at you on the highway, you'll be pissed off. When a bird craps on your windshield after you. After you got the car washed, you'll be mad. Maybe. Wait, maybe that happened to me recently, but I. And I just laugh now when things happen just like wow, when people cut in front of you on the interstate, when people are. I travel a lot. When people get all wound up and. And jammed up traveling. If people you. You lead them to their greatest self in a coaching situation and they turn because they don't have the confidence yet to step into their next level of greatness, that's okay. Don't take it personally, my friend. When you train a team member, when you train a sales process, when you train a csr, when you train another leader and they don't operate exactly how you were hoping to, don't take it personally. It's not about you. It's about them. It's about their dream. It's about their beliefs. It's about their own situation. Keep on communicating for clarity, candid communication for clarity. And keep up leveling your own consciousness. Choose to feel good. Choose happiness. Choose fulfillment. Choose bliss in this life. And there is no bliss when you're taking things personally. I'm Kenny Chapman. So, so, so blessed to have you with me. Episode 118. Why do I take things so personally? Let's stop it. Let's stop it now. Kick this episode to somebody that you care about. Just shoot them a quick email. Copy the URL, send it to an email, share it in a podcast setting. If you don't mind. Please help us grow this community. It's just a moment of time each week. We get to share in positivity until we talk. Make it a better than fantastic week. I'll see you next time. Sam.