Episode 105: Embracing the Understanding that Parenthood is not Transactional

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Foreign welcome to another episode of K12 Education Untangled. My name is Dr. Kim J. Fields, former corporate manager turned education researcher and advocate, and I'm the host of this podcast. I got into this space after dealing with some frustrating interactions with school educators and and administrators, as well as experiencing the microaggressions that I faced as an African American mom raising my two kids who were in the public school system. I really wanted to understand how teachers were trained and what the research provided about the challenges of the public education system. Once I gained the information and the insights that I needed, I was then equipped with to be able to successfully support my children in their educational progress. This podcast is at the intersection between education research and parental actions. If you're looking to find out more about the current trends, issues and themes in education that could affect you or your children, and you want to know the specific actions you can take to support and advocate for your children, then you're in the right place. Thanks for tuning in today. I know that staying informed about K12 education topics is important to you, so keep listening. On this episode, I'll be sharing my thoughts about why Parenting is not transactional the other day my husband was lamenting about not being close to his son now that he's an adult. My husband stated that he thought that all the time that he put in teaching him things, attending his sporting events, taking him to the movies and other entertainment spots would somehow translate into having a close relationship with his son now that he's a man. But most of the time, parenting doesn't work that way. I reminded him that he needs to accept what is and more importantly, that parenting is not transactional. I explore the essence of what parenting is and how to deal with the expectations of reciprocity as part of my discussion. Let's untangle this My husband is not the only person who has this expectation of reciprocity in a parent child relationship. Apparently there are many parents who feel this way, and it seems to be primarily parents who have only one child. The investment that you make in your children while they are growing up may not pay the dividends that you want in the way you anticipate when they are grown. That's the reality. Of course, it could also be a cultural thing. In any case, it's important enough of an issue to share my thoughts and insights about it. Parenting involves unconditional love. Your love for your children is not based on transactions, but rather on an unconditional bond that goes beyond any exchange. It's called unconditional love, not conditional love based on whether they do something that you approve. You love your child regardless of whether there are parts of their personality that you dislike. Love should not be contingent on specific outcomes or behaviors, but rather on a deep, enduring bond. You just love and accept your children for who they are in spite of their idiosyncrasies. Get to know them and appreciate them for who they are. My mother used to say that there are two things that children require unconditional love and your time. Parenting also involves emotional support. As a parent, you provide emotional support to your children without expecting anything in return, nurturing their emotional well being. Creating an environment in which children feel safe to come to you to discuss what's going on in their lives is crucial. By providing the necessary emotional support, your children know that you have their best interests at heart and that you want to see them thrive as they navigate the world around them. Parenting involves guidance and mentorship. You serve as guides and mentors to your children, offering wisdom and advice to help them navigate life's challenges. Guiding children on the journey to adulthood includes things such as understanding the importance of relationships, assisting them on their academic endeavors, and mentoring them in social situations. It's important to understand when to step in to provide guidance and mentorship, and when to let your children struggle a bit before you step in. The point is to step in when necessary or when asked. While balancing that, providing too much guidance and not allowing your children to develop independence could be a mistake. Parenting also involves setting boundaries. You understand the significance of setting boundaries not as a transaction but as a way to teach your children about respect and responsibility. Boundaries are necessary for physical and emotional safety, allowing children to understand what's acceptable and and unacceptable with their actions or words. Overstepping boundaries leads to consequences, and these need to be applied consistently. Parents also teach values. You instill values in your children not as a trade off, but as a foundation for their moral development. It's the values that are important, not buying them. Things that you never got when you were a child. Values last longer than things. It is those values that you'd like to see reflected in their adult behaviors. Parenting involves celebrating achievements. You celebrate your children's accomplishments not as a reward for specific actions, but as a way to show support and encouragement. You recognize the sacrifice that's involved from your child and from you as part of accomplishing a goal. No doubt your child put the effort in, but you sacrificed your time, energy and availability when you may have wanted to do other things. It takes commitment to make that sacrifice and quite often commitment is not convenient and Parenting Involves Building Trust. The fundamental aspect of the parent child relationship is building trust. This trust building comes without expecting anything in return. You need to be dependable, someone your children can count on irrespective of the situation. Trust is a two way street though. Part of the trust building relationship is your children establishing trust for from you. They need to be consistent, dependable and accountable when given the task. As your children grow, the level of responsibility and independence that they develop depends on your level of trust in what they're doing. For example, when they say they're going to be at a certain place at a certain time, they need to follow through on that by being consistent and dependable. This builds the trust relationship with you so that you can expand on the types of activities that you allow them to participate in. So why do some parents unknowingly think of parenting as transactional? Here are some reasons why this may happen. 1. Parental Expectations Some parents may have high expectations for their children based on the time and effort they invested in raising them. These expectations can stem from a desire to see their children succeed and thrive, but the expectation that your child will reciprocate your expectations as reflected in a close relationship when they grow up may be unrealistic. Your responsibilities as a parent to raise your child with the values that you feel are important. Your responsibilities also include to feed, clothe, and keep them safe. Educating them at the higher education level is a bonus. 2. A sense of ownership Many parents feel a sense of ownership over their children's achievements and behaviors due to the sacrifices they made while raising them. This sense of ownership can lead to expectations of reciprocity in the parent child relationship which often leads to disappointment in later years. 3. Cultural and societal influences may be another reason why some parents think of parenting as transactional. Cultural norms and societal pressures can play a role in shaping a parent's belief about the relationship between between investment and outcomes in parenting. These influences can contribute to the expectation of a return on investment in the parent child relationship. You may expect that your child will love you in return, but this is not a guarantee either. All you can do is the best that you can, being satisfied with the work that you put in. 4. Communication and boundaries Open communication and setting boundaries in the parent child relationship is important so that you Address any discrepancies in expectations. Encouraging healthy dialogue can help both parties understand each other's perspectives and foster a more balanced relationship. You need to let your child know what you expect from them when when they become adults. The best outcome is that you and your children are friends who respect each other and enjoy each other's company. 5. Shifting dynamics. The evolving nature of the parent child relationship naturally occurs as children grow up and become independent individuals. It's essential for you to adapt to these changing dynamics and and embrace your children's autonomy while maintaining a supportive role. The relationship that you have with your children when they are young is definitely going to be different when they become teenagers. Accept that it changes again when they become adults. Whatever form the relationship takes when your children become adults sets the foundation for your interaction with them. You enjoy their company when you talk to them or see them. You pray for them and you wish the best for them in all aspects of life. This is what accepting what is looks like and six. Mutual respect. It's important to have mutual respect between you and your children so that you don't think of parenting as a transaction. This mutual respect is where both parties acknowledge and appreciate each other's perspectives, efforts, and boundaries. Respecting each other's autonomy and individuality can help foster a healthy and balanced relationship. Adjusting to a relationship with an adult child who doesn't meet the parent's expectation of reciprocity can be challenging but ultimately rewarding. Some strategies that you can consider to navigate this situation in a healthy and constructive manner include open communication. Having open and honest conversations with your adult child about your expectations and feelings regarding the relationship is crucial. Listening to each other's perspectives can help bridge any gaps and foster understanding. Have this conversation in a casual setting, not when emotions run high and you end up saying something that you can't take back. This is the conversation that never came between my husband and his son. So my husband's unspoken expectations were something that only he knew. You can feel all bent out of shape about something unbeknownst to the other person. It takes courage to have that conversation. 2. Respect autonomy. It's important to respect your adult child's autonomy and individuality. Acknowledge that your child is now an independent individual who with his or her own thoughts, beliefs and choices, some of which you may not agree with. 3. Adjust expectations. You should probably adjust your expectations and understand that the parent child dynamic evolves as children grow into adulthood. Embrace the changes and appreciate the unique qualities that your adult child has brings to the relationship. 4. Focus on connection. Continue to Build a connection with your adult child not based on who you think they should be, but based on mutual love, respect and support rather than expectations of reciprocity. Nurture the emotional bond you share and find common ground to strengthen your relationship relationship 5. Accept differences. Accept your adult child's individuality and differences. Recognizing that diversity enriches the relationship. They're not a mini me of you. Embracing each other's uniqueness can lead to a more fulfilling and harmonious connection. At this point, understand what you can and forgive what you don't. 6. Set boundaries. Setting healthy boundaries in the parent child relationship is relevant even in adulthood, where both parties respect each other's needs and limits. Communicate your boundaries clearly and encourage your adult child to do the same. Mutual understanding is vital. And finally, number seven Seek support. You can always seek support from friends, family members, or a therapist if you're struggling to adjust to your relationship with your adult child. Any of these would be helpful and preferred when compared to not having communication with your adult children. Having a support system can provide guidance and and perspective during this transitional period. These strategies can help you navigate the shift in your relationship with your adult child when the child doesn't meet a parent's expectations of reciprocity. It's all about accepting what is. This involves acknowledging the reality of the situation, embracing the changes that come with the child's adulthood, and finding peace in the present moment. By accepting what is, you let go of rigid expectations and instead focus on nurturing a relationship with your adult child based on love, respect, and understanding. This acceptance allows for growth, adaptation and and development of a more authentic and fulfilling connection between you and your adult children. It can certainly lead to less anxiety and a more restful night's sleep. As is the usual case with these personal, thought provoking episodes, I provide you with relevant quotes or a clean joke. I submit this joke for your enjoyment. It's called Mommy's Way. A man went to the store with his three year old daughter in tow. Since he was just there to grab some essentials like milk and bread, he opted to save some time by not pushing a cart around the store. That's not the way Mommy does it, his daughter informed him. I know dear, but Daddy's Way is okay too, he replied. Leaving the store in the rain and without a cart, he carried the bag of groceries, his daughter and the milk quickly to the car. Not wanting to set anything down on the wet ground, he set the jug of milk on top of the car, efficiently whisked open the car door with his now free hand, scooted the groceries in and set his daughter into the car seat in one swift motion. Then he hopped in himself. That's not the way Mommy does it, his daughter informed him again. Honey, there's more than one way to do things, he replied patiently. Daddy's way is okay, too. As they pulled out and headed down the street, he became aware of the scraping sound on the roof as the jug of milk slid down the length of the rooftop, bounced off the trunk of the car and splattered to the ground, sending a froth of white milk in every direction. In the millisecond he took to process his mistake, his young daughter looked at him and in a most serious voice said, that's not the way Mommy does it. By the way, this is my last episode for Season two. We've covered a lot of topics this season that you found quite interesting based on your feedback and the download numbers. And while I'm on a summer break from producing weekly episodes, I'll still be in contact with you via email or on social media, highlighting specific episodes and what to expect in season three, which begins September 3rd. Be sure to stay tuned and stay in touch. Did you enjoy this episode? If so, then go to my podcast website@k12educationuntangled.buzzsprout.com and leave me a text message about how you're enjoying my show. That's K12 education untangled untangled.buzzsprout.com go to the episode description and click on the Send me a text message link. Again, it's k12educationuntangle.buzzsprout.com and leave me a text message today. If you like this podcast, click Follow on your podcast player of choice to subscribe and get the latest episodes. Do me a favor and remember to share my podcast with anyone you think would find it valuable. That includes your friends, family and community. Thanks for listening today. I hope you'll come back for more K12 educational discussions with even more exciting topics to untangle. Until next time, aim to learn something new every day.

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