Episode 63: Overcoming Chronic Complaining and Victim Mentality: A Journey Towards Mindfulness and Personal Growth

Are you doing these critical things to help your child succeed academically? Take the quiz now to find out the important actions you can take to enhance your child's education. Go to my website, liberationthrougheducation.com quiz and take the quiz today.

Foreign welcome to another episode of K12 Education Untangled. My name is Dr. Kim Fields, former corporate manager turned educational researcher and advocate, and I'm the host of this podcast. I got into this space after dealing with some frustrating interactions with school educators and administrators, as well as experiencing the microdiscriminations that I faced as an African American mom raising my two kids who were in the public school system. I really wanted to understand how teachers were trained and what the research provided about the challenges of the public education system. Once I gained the information and the insights that I needed, I was then equipped to be able to successfully support my children in their educational progress. If you're looking to find out more about current information and issues in education that could affect you or your children, then you're in the right place. Thanks for tuning in today. I know that staying informed about K12 education trends and topics is important to you, so keep listening. On today's episode, I'll be sharing my thoughts about complaining and its shadow Victimhood have you ever been around someone who complains more than having a positive, uplifting conversation? I'm not talking about that friend or relative or partner who sometimes complains about life situations. I'm talking about that person who who incessantly complains to the point of being annoying. I got to thinking about that this week because of the interactions that I had with my husband, who is a chronic complainer. Most of his conversation is about whining about something, most of which is beyond his control. I hear his victimhood in his statements and it's very unattractive. I started wondering if his conversation was always this way and whether I went along with it or now I notice it even more because I've upgraded my mindset. It could be that I, as a woman, am more sensitive than men to other people's behaviors. Now, by no means am I perfect. On the rare occasion that I catch myself complaining, I pay attention to what I'm complaining about and then adjust my attitude. In any case, I'll discuss the characteristics of complainers first and then discuss certain aspects of victimhood. On this episode, I'll then draw out the nuances and similarities between these two sides. I of the same coin, as well as identify some things that you can do. Let's get started Complaining. When I talk about complaining, I'm not talking about consumer complaining about a service or a product. I'm talking about complaining as a function within personal relationships. Interpersonal relationships can give meaning to our lives and and they can also cause the most stress, dissatisfaction and disappointment. Distress. Dissatisfaction and disappointment often arise when one person in the relationship has a complaining spirit. It's annoying to be around complaining people. If you're unable to avoid being around a complaining person, it can have a detrimental effect on the quality of your relationship. The relationship could be with loved ones, family or friends. Complaining is annoying, but the bigger question is why is it so prevalent? Complaining is simply expressing dissatisfaction most prevalently by verbal means. Professor Robin Kowalski defines complaining as an expression of dissatisfaction, whether subjectively experienced or not, for the purpose of vetting emotions or achieving intrapsychic goals, interpersonal goals, or both. End quote. Complaining usually happens when triggered by a negative situation, such as such as the traffic being worse than expected, a meal being unsatisfactory, or a movie that was disappointing. The complaining can also be a way of life for some people. They just have what I call a complaining spirit. These type of people always are looking for something that's negative, that didn't go right, that they place their own values and expectations on, and then complain when the outcome is not as they expected. These type of people, and I know firsthand because I'm married to one, just need to have something to whine about. And it's usually based on inaccurate recollections of memories that are stored in their egoic minds. And a particular situation will trigger that memory and all the emotions associated with it. There are two basic types of chronic complainers and venters. Chronic complainers never seem to be satisfied. They always see something as a problem and will manufacture a problem when there is none. In order to feed their complaining nature, they have a tendency to ruminate on problems and to focus on setbacks instead of progress. Their complaining becomes a habit, so much so that they have rewired their brain to the point where complaining has become ingrained. The second type of complainer is the venting complainer. Venting is simply expressing emotional dissatisfaction. Complainers who vent often have an agenda. They tend to be focused on themselves and and their own negative experience. They're seeking attention from their confidants by showing their anger, frustration or disappointment. And they feel validated when they receive attention and sympathy. Ventures are particularly prone to discount advice or proposed solutions to their problems. They aren't looking for a solution. They simply want validation. The unfortunate downside to both chronic complaining and venting is that it just puts a dampener on people's moods. It can make the person listening to the complainer feel worse, and surprisingly, the complainer feels worse. Also, as a side note, a third type of complainer could be classified as an instrumental complainer and it's all about solving problems. When you confront your partner about not pitching in to help with household chores, that could be instrumental complaining, especially if you focus on the impact of the problem, the importance of change, and develop a plan for change. This is not the type of complainer that I'm addressing on this episode. And FYI, instrumental complaints make up fewer than 25% of all complaints. The fact of the matter is that chronic complainers and venting complainers are not happy people. Research indicates that happy people complain less. They tend to be more mindful in their practices. They consider whether affirmation or some other strategy will work instead of complaining. They also limit their exposure to complainers. People in Western culture seem to complain more now than they once did, and the primary reason for that is that our expectations have changed. Since social media is so prevalent these days, most people expect their complaining to find an audience. In the face of persistent life stress, learned helplessness sets in, and a feeling that any effort to improve the situation is useless. Most of the things that people complain about are trivial because the vast majority of their thinking is on trivial matters and on things that are concrete and more likely to have a direct effect on them. Help rejecting complainers are a small subset of chronic complainers and are the most difficult people to deal with. They tend to ask a partner or friend for advice about a problem and when the other person often suggests something in the form of why don't you? No matter what the suggestions are that are offered, the complainer and advice seeker responds with yes, but help rejecting complainers tend to exaggerate the magnitude of their problems, and they feel that their problems merit more attention than anyone else's. If a new recommendation is made, they find an excuse not to implement it. In the end, they're not looking for a solution, they just want to complain. It is this characteristic of consistently rejecting suggestions of help when they are offered that makes their relentless complaining so bothersome. Effective complainers complain to people who will most likely listen to and help them deal constructively with finding a potential solution to their dissatisfaction. Ineffective complainers complain to anyone that has ears. It's often unclear as to whether they really want a solution or or just simply want to complain. There are four factors that seem to distinguish complaints that are annoying from those that their repetitiveness, their content, their instrumentality, and their intentionality.

Have you had a chance to check out my interactive expert on my website? There are some great conversations and questions going on there. You can check it out at. Check out the questions and conversations happening there. Ationthrougheducation.com askmenything.

The complaining that is most obnoxious is the kind that never ends. Every day there seems to be a complaint about something or everything. When people complain to anyone about everything, their complaining doesn't appear to be genuine. Incessant complainers not only are tiresome, but they have a credibility problem. They are also annoying because they're not taking the listener into consideration. We all have problems in life situations. Sometimes the content of someone's complaints makes them annoying because of the authenticity of the complaint, its verifiability, and its directness. Some complaints are not motivated by true dissatisfaction, but I believe that complaining will allow the complainer to attempt achieve some other goal. A nonverifiable complaint reflects a personal account that cannot be substantiated. They are subjective, causing them to be annoying. People will repeatedly complain, but never take any practical steps to decrease their dissatisfaction, like having an honest conversation with the source of their dissatisfaction become tiresome. Complaining that puts an end to annoying behavior can actually improve relationships. The greatest risk for complainers is rejection when others tire of hearing the complaints. The risk to the listener is that they become dissatisfied after listening to others complaints, which has been coined as mood contagion. This can create a domino effect unless you're able to guard yourself spiritually and tune out the incessant whining about situations beyond that person's control. It is possible to rewire this habitual orientation of thinking, but chronic complainers probably wouldn't think that that's possible. In any case, if you're living with a chronic complainer, there are some things that you can suggest if you're so inclined, to encourage them to see the world differently. I tried some of these, but my husband was too full and satisfied from eating at the complaint buffet. You're welcome to try to see if some of these work for you and let me know if it does. One of the solutions for a complainer to train themselves to stop complaining is to to increase their awareness of the frequency and content of their complaints. This may work in a person that's present or self aware, but it doesn't work for someone who is unconscious, who is not self aware. Addressing self awareness for that person is of utmost importance Self awareness would allow them to hear themselves complain, acknowledge what they're complaining about, and and be aware of the effects of their complaining on others. It would be most effective if they were better able to pick up on cues that their audience is tired of hearing them complain and that they simply don't want to hear anymore. If you listen to people who complain only occasionally, then perhaps the best response is simple acknowledgement. But if you're dealing with a chronic complainer, you can either simply ignore the complainer or give very short responses. The problem with short responses, and personally the reason that I don't say anything is that such responses often increase chronic complainers Dissatisfaction and the Complaints Escalate One of the best ways to get a chronic complainer from continuing to complain is to ask them what they plan to do about their dissatisfaction. For example, do they plan to have a difficult conversation with someone? Do they plan to seek therapy? Do they plan to change their perspectives or examine their behaviors once the tables are turned? By asking them specific questions, this generally silences their complaints. It's important to set boundaries for the limits you're willing to accept for listening to a chronic complainer. Oftentimes this means physically separating yourself by going outside, going to a separate room, and things along those lines as a means to indicate that you've had enough. Let's move on to victimhood. Victimhood, or victim mentality, is an internal state consciously adopted to deflect responsibility and failure. Individuals with a victim mentality blame the state of their current situation and any misfortunes that they may be experiencing on someone else. They feel that everything negative that has happened to them is a result of someone else's actions. Most of the time, these individuals perceive themselves as victims in circumstances that many other people would regard as part of normal vicissitudes of day to day life. The important thing is that victimhood has become an essential aspect of the mindset of these people. A mindset that is often subconscious. We all have been hurt at one time or another, and given these hurtful experiences, these feelings can linger. Under the right circumstances, those feelings can be activated. Victim mentality is a learned behavior and a destructive one. For people who have a victim mentality, they may experience short term comfort from shirking accountability. They are off the hook for circumstances and work to elicit sympathy from friends and others for their plight. Sounds similar to complaining, doesn't it? You see how these two are related, right? While sympathy can be consoling in the short term, in the long term it's detrimental on all levels of relationships in life. People who have the victim mentality tend to gain attention by spinning a story of what happened to them. In this way, others are less compelled to criticize or upset them. This is the type of exploitation that garners recognition without responsibility, but can short circuit their future. Victim mentality doesn't result in deep friendships or productive work and professional associations. In friendships, they tend to be negative and judgmental. At work, they act as innocent people who have to deal with stupidity and incompetence of others. They feel that other people are always the cause of their failures and shortcomings. People who show themselves as victims by incessantly complaining can easily find company. It's not very difficult to find others who willing to share the same feelings. The saying that misery loves company is true. And while some of us have been privy to incidences where we were hurt or neglected or let down or disappointed, for most people, despite those experiences, the sense of victimhood is only a passing feeling. They'll get over it. On the other hand, maintaining a sense of victimhood suggests a presence of an enduring psychological state of mind, preoccupied by strong beliefs, attitudes, emotions and behavioral attitudes and activities that are centered around a sense of being disadvantaged. Usually some kind of traumatic experience has set those feelings into motion. The psychological profile of people who have a victim mentality includes a sense of self pity, low self esteem, a pessimistic outlook on life, sense of listlessness, strong feelings of guilt, shame and self blame, as well as feelings of depression, which are often present. It's as if they're disillusioned with the world. And to many of these people, it's as if life has lost all meaning because they view the world through a negative lens. They also tend to have this mentality because they perceive that the harm or hurt inflicted on them was undeserved and unjustified. They don't examine their own behavior and and how it can be the catalyst in creating a harmful situation. People with the victimhood mindset often exaggerate little things, always turning them into big issues. In other words, they tend to catastrophize. They tend to jump to the worst conclusions regarding whatever challenges they're encountering. They have a tendency to take a defensive position when confronted about their mindset or perspectives. Sometimes this defensive position is demonstrated as a violent verbal outburst whose words cause even more harm to the relationship with the person that they're lashing out to. They also tend to ruminate on their imagined miserable state, repeatedly going over the same information without changing the whatever is bothering them. These Constant and repetitive thoughts will interfere with their ability to engage in daily tasks, relate to others and experience positive emotions. Dwelling on negativity is not the best way to relieve distress or improve their mood. Staying stuck in negative patterns, playing and replaying past hurts, etc. Prevents them from generating new ways of thinking, new behaviors or new possibilities. Their rumination instead fuels feelings of anger, firing up a desire for revenge or at least retribution. They tend to think that changing the external circumstances or will change how they feel. This is better known as an external locus of control. In contrast, people who have a more internal locus of control believe that they are responsible for their own success. They believe that their own actions, hard work and self determination dictate whatever happens in their lives. In most cases, a victim mentality was developed in someone from that person's early negative life experiences. The mindset that's developed becomes a form of self sabotage. It may prevent these people from living a fully fulfilled life. After all, how fulfilling can life be if so much time and energy is spent on complaining? What people who feel victimized should realize is that blaming others for their misery may provide a temporary relief from their pain, but not a long lasting one. In the end, it only contributes to feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. It causes them to not see the blessings that each day brings. And for this, their spirit is poisoned instead of nourished. One of the best ways to overcome victim mentality is just to take charge, take responsibility for their life. When they don't take personal responsibility for their circumstances, they greatly reduce their power to develop and to grow. They should also realize that continuing to play victim will become a self fulfilling prophecy. What they should be asking themselves is what role they are playing in making themselves feel so miserable. With the constant complaining and victim mentality, they should also be asking what is their responsibility in the situation. The challenge for people who feel victimized is to let go of what they think makes their life so miserable. They need to examine their thoughts and their self limiting beliefs at any moment, especially the stories that they're telling themselves. It's up to them to let go of their grudges and their resentment, their anger. It's up to them to be more hopeful. Self awareness and being present are critical to overcoming this mentality. This will help them to stop being a victim of their own thoughts. Without self knowledge, there will always be a tendency to go on autopilot. In other words, to act without thinking. Those who feel victimized also need to ask themselves whether life is happening to them or whether they are happening to life. They need to just focus on the good in life, to be kind and to practice gratitude. I firmly believe that it is impossible to complain and be grateful at the same time. As is the usual case for these personal sharing episodes where I close with either a clean joke or a quote. I leave you with these quotes. It's better to complain occasionally and carry your own burdens than cheerfully push them all on someone else. By E.C. mcKenzie when your victimhood is your empowerment, recovery is the enemy, and working on individual change becomes counterproductive, even dangerous, to your identity. By Tammy Grus I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become. By Carl Jung Empowerment is never about blame, it's about taking personal responsibility. By Bryant McHeel if this is the type of subject matter and discussion that resonates with you, please follow my podcast on whatever service you're listening to. This also, I'd love to hear from you, so please leave me a rating, a review, or a comment on Apple or Podchain. You can also rate my podcast@www.ratethispodcast.com. if you like this podcast, the best way to support me and help me grow it is by leaving a review. This helps my rankings and entices other people to listen to the show and share this episode with anyone that you think would find it valuable. Be sure to tell your friends, family and community about my podcast. Additionally, you can connect with me on Instagram and Facebook with the handle kimjfields. Thanks for listening today. I hope you'll come back for more K12 educational discussions with even more more exciting topics to untangle. And be sure to stay tuned on the next episode. I'll be discussing whether your child is getting enough physical education. Until next time, aim to learn something new every day. Foreign.

Subscriber. You can subscribe for as little as $3 per month. Just go to HTTPs://forward/tinyurl.com forward/podcast support there's no contractual obligation. You can cancel at any time. If you choose to subscribe, I'll give you a special shout out thanking you in an upcoming episode. Remember, that's podcast support. To subscribe.