Episode 87: Cultivating Emotional Wisdom — Strategies for Whole-Brain Child Development and Parenting Resilience

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Welcome to another episode of K12 Education, Untangled. My name is Dr. Kim Fields, former corporate manager turned educational researcher and advocate, and I'm the host of this podcast. I got into this space after dealing with some frustrating interactions with school educators and administrators, as well as experiencing the microdiscriminations that I faced as an African American mom raising my two kids who were in the public school system. I really wanted to understand how teachers were trained and what the research provided about the challenges of the public education system. Once I gained the information and the insights that I needed, I was then equipped to be able to successfully support my children in their educational progress. If you're looking to find out more about current information and issues in education that could affect you or your children, then you're in the right place. Thanks for tuning in today. I know that staying informed about K12 education trends and topics is important to you, so keep listening. On today's episode, I'll be reviewing a book titled the Whole Brain 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture your child's Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. Most days it seems as though if you could just get through the day long enough to do your work, interact with your children, and get them off the bed as soon as possible, you count that as a win. You also know that your aim is higher than just surviving the day. Your ultimate goal is to raise your children in a way that allows them to thrive. You want them to do well in school, work hard, be responsible, be caring and compassionate, and to feel good about who they are. This book review explores the 12 strategies and key points to help you nurture your child's developing mind so that they do indeed thrive. The focus of the book is on children from birth to 12 years of age. Let's get started. Have you ever stopped and asked yourself, what do you really want for your children? What qualities do you hope they develop and take into their adult lives? How much of your time would you say you spend intentionally looking at developing those qualities in your children? The fact of the matter is that by the time the day ends, you just want some quiet time to relax and not do anything. Been there and done that. The good news is that in those moments when you're just trying to survive and keep your sanity, those moments are actually opportunities to help your children thrive. You may think that dealing with parenting challenges, like dealing with another meltdown, is separate from meaningful conversations about character. But they aren't separate at all. It is in those moments that the important moment meaningful work of parenting takes place. Here are the major ideas from this book.

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The whole brain Perspective the whole brain perspective involves understanding integration. Integration takes the different parts of the brain, like the right side, the left side, the reptilian brain, the mammalian brain, and helps them work together as a whole. Integration basically coordinates and balances the separate regions of the brain that links together. When children aren't integrated, they become overwhelmed by their emotions. They are also confused and may even be chaotic. They can't respond calmly and rationally to the situation at hand. That's why they may display tantrums, meltdowns, aggression and other such behaviors which or a loss of integration. The goal is to provide the kind of experiences that will help to develop the resilient, well integrated brain. You can directly shape unfolding growth of your child's brain according to the experiences that you offer. For example, hours of screen time will wire the brain in certain ways. Educational activities, sports and music will wire the brain in other ways. Spending time with family and friends and learning about relationships, especially face to face interactions, will wire the brain in yet other ways. All of these experiences affect the way the brain develops. An integrated brain yields improved decision making, better control of body and emotions, whole holistic self, understanding, strong relationships and success in school. Major idea Number two Left Brain and Right Brain Integration Very young children up to the age of 3 years old live their lives completely in the moment and are right brain dominant, relying on their emotions and nonverbal expressions. It's important that the left brain and the right brain work together and order to live balanced, meaningful and creative lives. When your child is upset, the left brain or the logic side of the brain often doesn't work well until you respond to the emotional needs of the right brain. This integration doesn't mean that you let a boundary slide or even become more permissive. It just means that you recognize how your child is acting, whether it's emotional or logical. Discussing misbehavior and its consequences work best after your child has calmed down. One of the best ways to promote integration in your children is to become better integrated yourself. Recognizing how your body feels, whether you're tired, frustrated, resentful, sleepy, hungry, etc. Will help you recognize the best approach, whether it's right brain or left brain to deal with parenting issues. This will Help you best respond to your children's needs and you'll be parenting with your whole brain. Major idea number three the upper brain and the lower brain. The lower brain is responsible for basic functions like breathing and blood, blinking like fight or flight, and for strong emotions like anger and fear. The upper brain is responsible for higher order and analytical thinking, control over emotions in the body, sound decision making and planning, empathy and morality. One of the most important skills that you can teach your children is to make good decisions in high emotion situations. When a child's upper brain is working well, he can regulate his emotions, consider consequences, think before acting and consider how others feel. As with left and right brain integration, upper and lower brain integration is important as well. Worth noting, the lower brain is well developed at birth, but the upper brain isn't fully mature until a person reaches his mid-20s. This means that the characteristics of decision making, control over emotions, empathy, etc. Aren't fully functioning until well past the teenage years. Whenever you provide an opportunity for your child to come up with a solution that works best for both of you, especially when you're correcting a behavior or an attitude. This gives your children a chance to practice problem solving and decision making. It helps them to consider what another person feels and wants. A strong upper brain is essential for social and emotional intelligence. Remember to model self regulation yourself, especially when you feel like you're about to lose it. To integrate your upper brain and lower brain, take slow, deep breaths, do some yoga stretches or other physical movements so that you regain your self control. Finally, deal with whatever emotional and relational harm that may have been done as quickly as possible so that you can reconnect with your child and get back to enjoying your relationship. Major idea number four integrating memory. Memory is basically the way that anything from the past influences you in the present. It's based on associations. There are two types of implicit memory and explicit memory. Implicit memory causes uniform expectations about the way the world works based on previous experiences. Explicit memory involves the ability to recall a specific moment. A conscious recollection of a past experience. Talking to your children and asking them questions about the details of their day helps to reinforce their memory. Major idea number five understanding your self and your mind. This involves being aware of all that's happening around you. Paying attention to thoughts and feelings, dreams and desires, memories, perceptions of the outside world and sensations of the body. It's important for children to understand that a temporary state of mind does not indicate that it's a permanent part of self. The key is to help them avoid identifying only one particular feeling and to develop self confidence and healthy self talk in order to view themselves in a positive way. Interestingly, the physical architecture of the brain actually changes according to where you direct your attention and what you practice doing. For example, if you play the violin like I used to when I was growing up, brain scans have confirmed dramatic growth and expansion in the regions of the brain that represent the left hand, which is used to finger the strings precisely while playing the violin. By paying attention to their physical sensations, children can become more aware of what's going on inside their bodies. For instance, a desire to hit is a marker of anger or frustration, or stomach butterflies as a marker of anxiety when they feel tension in their body. When they're nervous, they can learn to relax the shoulders and take deep breaths to calm themselves. Remember to take the time to ask your children how they feel and teach them to be specific so that they can go from vague emotional words like fine and bad to more precise descriptions like disappointed, jealous and excited. This kind of teaching can take place in everyday interactions with your children. Major Idea Number six Integrating Self and Other Learning to consider the feelings and considerations of others is an essential skill for children to be able to adapt current and future relationships. The sweet spot is being connected to others while still maintaining a unique identity. This results in happiness and fulfillment. It involves a balance of developing fulfilling relationships while maintaining a healthy sense of self. The focus here is on empathy, on recognizing the feelings, desires and perspectives of another. The brain is really set up for interpersonal integration, which means that we honor and nurture our differences while cultivating connections with one another. Have you ever noticed that when you are nervous or stressed out, your children will often be that way too? Scientifically, this is referred to as emotional contagion. In other words, the internal states of others, including joy, playfulness, sadness, fear, and similar emotions, directly affect your own state of mind. We tend to soak other people into our own inner world because we are biologically equipped to be in relationships. To understand where other people are coming from and to influence one another. The kinds and quality of relationships that your children experience lay the groundwork for how they relate to others for the rest of their lives. Whether this is with parents, grandparents, teachers, peers, and other influential people in their lives, children have to be taught skills like sharing, forgiving, sacrifice, and listening. If you want to prepare your children to participate as healthy individuals in a relationship, you need to teach them how to be open and receptive within reason. At the end of the day, your state of mind can influence your child's state of mind what produces a strong parent child connection or a strong parent child relationship is how well you made sense of your experiences with your own parents and how sensitive you are to your children. This is what dramatically influences your relationship with your children and can often determine how well they thrive. Foreign have you had a chance to.

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The the following 12 strategies are the principal strategies that can be implemented for the major ideas and points that I just highlighted. Strategy Number one Connect and Redirect which is useful for when your child is upset. Connect first emotionally, then logically. Strategy Number two Name and Contain during an emotional episode, help your child tell a story about what's upsetting him or her. Strategy Number Engage don't enrage in high stress situations, ask your child to consider, plan and choose rather than reacting. Strategy Number four Use it or Lose it Provide ample opportunities for your child to respond with reason instead of emotion. Strategy Number five Move it or Lose it A powerful way to help your child regain balance when emotionally triggered is to have him or her simply move his or her body. Strategy Number six Use the remote of the mind. Especially useful after an upsetting event. This internal remote lets your child pause, rewind and fast forward a story as he or she tells it so that he or she can maintain control over how much he views. Strategy Number seven Remember to Remember this basically involves helping your children exercise their memory by giving them lots of practice at remembering. Strategy Number eight Let the clouds of emotion roll by. Letting the emotions roll by reminds children about their feelings. Fear, frustration, and loneliness are temporary states, not enduring traits. Strategy Number nine Sift. That's S I f t Sift is about helping your children notice and understand their sensations, images, feelings and thoughts within themselves. Strategy number 10 Exercise mindfulness. These practices teach children to cal themselves and focus their attention where they want to. Strategy number 11 increase the family fun Factor Building fun into the family so that the children enjoy positive and satisfying experiences with the people that they're around the most is what this is all about. These experiences teach your children that relationships can be affirming, rewarding, and fulfilling. And strategy number 12 connect through conflict, which basically addresses teaching your children to view conflict as an opportunity to practice empathy and compromise, both of which are essential relationship skills. Here are the action steps that you can take regarding this topic. This one action step particularly focuses on something actionable that you can do based on the concepts and strategies from this book, particularly playing the Sift Game Practice playing the sift game. Sift S I F T stands for sensations, images, feelings and thoughts and you can play this game with your children when you're in the car, at the park, or anywhere that feels comfortable and natural. The idea of the game is that you state a sensation that you have in your body and ask them what sensation they feel in their body. You would move on to identifying any particular images you have at the moment and ask them to share any images that they may have. The next focus of the game is on feelings. Share with your children how you're feeling at the moment and ask them what they are feeling at that moment. The last part of the game is about thoughts. You can share your thoughts like I'm thinking that I need to go to the grocery store to pick up some fruit. Ask your children to share their thoughts. This game is a good way to give your children practice of paying attention to what's going on inside of them. It's a great way to develop the whole mind. Here are this episode's takeaways. The key message of the book is that with an understanding of the brain, you can be more intentional about what you teach your children, how you respond to them, and why. The authors suggest that by giving your children repeated exercises and experiences that develop the whole frame, you will more than likely face fewer everyday parenting crises. Along the way, you will also learn to respond more effectively to difficult situations as well as develop the qualities in your children that will help them become thriving adults. While the book provided ample examples of ways to use the material in the context of raising children, not all of the examples seemed appropriate for my audience. In some ways, understanding which part of the brain is an action in certain situations with your children seems reasonable. However, in other situations, directly addressing any misbehaviors would seem to need more immediate focus. The bottom line is that children need to respect their parents authority, no questions asked. The gist of the book is that you can teach children to use their minds to take control of their lives by directing your children's attention to what's going on inside of them and through techniques like storytelling, visualization, etc. They can go from being influenced by factors within and around them to being influenced by factors within them. And although they may be aware of a multitude of changing emotions and circumstances at work around them or even within them, they could be taught to to acknowledge those emotions and even embrace them as part of themselves, but they don't have to allow those emotions and feelings to define them. You can teach your children to identify their emotions and feelings and decide on how they will respond, think about what they want to happen, and feel confident about what's within their control. Concepts in this book are what's typically taught in Social Emotional learning curriculum in many schools throughout this country. In those curricula, children are taught to identify and understand their thoughts, feelings, images and sensations. The kind of relationships you provide for your children affect generations to come. Being intentional in giving your children the kinds of relationships that you value and that you want them to see in is normal has a significant impact on their future. Whole Brain Parenting is about supporting and loving your child for whom he or she is right now, but also who he or she will become in the future. It's about integrating the child's brain, nurturing her mind, giving him skills that will benefit the child as he or she grows into adolescence and and then into adulthood. Being mindful in using concepts from whole brain parenting can set the stage for your children's lives with meaning, kindness, stability, and resilience. I believe that there's nothing more important that you can do as a parent than to be intentional about the way you are shaping your child's mind. What you do matters immensely. Did you enjoy this episode? If so, then leave me a rating, a review, or a comment on Apple or podchaser. Leaving me a review is a great way to support me and to help my podcast grow. And do me a favor and remember to share this episode with anyone that you think will find it valuable. Be sure to tell your friends, family and your community about my podcast. Thanks for listening today. I hope you'll come back for more K12 educational discussions with even more exciting topics to untangle. Be sure to stay tuned on the next episode. I'll be sharing my thoughts on the difference between life, situations and problems. Until next time, aim to learn something new every day.

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