Episode 95: The Art of Raising Confident and Resilient Children

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Foreign welcome to another episode of K12 Education Untangled. My name is Dr. Kim Fields, former corporate manager turned educational researcher and advocate, and I'm the host of this podcast. I got into this space after dealing with some frustrating interactions with school educators and administrators, as well as experiencing the microdiscriminations that I faced as an African American mom raising my two kids who were in the public school system. I really wanted to understand how teachers were trained and what the research provided about the challenges of the public education system. Once I gained the information and the insights that I needed, I was then equipped to be able to successfully support my children in their educational progress. If you're looking to find out more about current information and issues in education that could affect you or your children, then you're in the right place. Thanks for tuning in today. I know that staying informed about K12 education trends and topics is important to you, so keep listening. On today's episode, I'll be discussing a topic of interest to what many of you want for your children healthy self esteem and self confidence. I'll be reviewing a book titled Boosting your child's self esteem and confidence by Renee Laurison. I'll also be interjecting research that supports key points from the book, including the difference between self esteem and self efficacy, amongst other things that you're instilling in your children like family values, cultural norms, persistence and perseverance, good citizenship, to name a few. You also want to instill in them resilience, which is a product of self esteem and self confidence. Self esteem and self confidence play a key role in not only academic achievement, but they also play a role in fostering healthy relationships, developing effective ways to handle setbacks and challenges, and encouraging positive self talk. These vital attributes not only impact your children now, but extend into the future by shaping a loving, confident, aware adult who is unafraid to chase dreams, face adversities and embrace uniqueness. Let's get started. Self esteem is all about developing a child's self perception and self concept. It's the cornerstone of emotional and psychological foundations and it includes beliefs, perceptions and feelings that we have about ourselves as individuals. Self esteem is basically the sum of our self perceived worth, competence and significance in the world. It's shaped by early life experiences, interactions with family and peers, societal messages, and personal achievements. Having healthy self esteem means possessing a balanced self assessment, recognizing strengths and abilities while also acknowledging areas for growth. Self confidence is closely intertwined with self esteem. Self confidence is the internal compass that allows you to embrace opportunities, confront difficulties, and pursue your goals. It is that necessary component that allows you to step outside comfort zones and embark on new endeavors with positive anticipation of success. It is dynamic and situational, meaning that you can exude self confidence in social interactions but feel less secure in academic settings. For example, self esteem and self confidence are important essential pillars of your child's development. They have a profound influence on every facet of your child's life, shaping their emotional well being, relationships, academic pursuits, and aspirations for the future. Emotional resistance is also intertwined with self esteem and self confidence. Emotional resistance helps your child to navigate the ebb and flow of challenges, triumphs and uncertainties with poise. It equips children to confront failure as a natural part of life's journey rather than a reflection of their intrinsic worth. Self esteem and self confidence are also linked to academic success. Children who believe in their capabilities are more motivated to engage in learning, actively participate in classroom discussions, and pursue intellectual challenges. It creates a love for learning that eventually turns into lifelong learning. Self esteem and self confidence empower children to take ownership of their learning journey. These qualities encourage them to ask questions, seek guidance when needed, and explore areas of interest to them. When children are surrounded by people that appreciate their uniqueness and contributions, they internalize a sense of self worth that extends beyond their own self perception. Positive relationships provide that fertile ground for growth of a child's self esteem. These positive relationships create safe spaces for vulnerability and trust to flourish because when children experience consistent support, non judgmental listening and open communication, they learn to share their feelings, their thoughts and aspirations without fear of criticism or or rejection. By providing children with environments that are rich in love, respect, and authentic connection, you lay the groundwork for your children's ability to cultivate meaningful relationships throughout their lives. What I've been describing are the positive outcomes and attitudes of children with healthy self esteem and self confidence. But what about children who don't have a healthy self esteem or self confidence? Here are some indicators that you need to be aware of. Some of these are behavioral indicators, some are emotional indicators, and some are social indicators. They include avoiding challenges, especially those the child perceives as difficult or unfair, being overly self critical, having a tendency of perfectionism, having negative self talk, exhibiting signs of persistent sadness or a down mood, having a general lack of enthusiasm, withdrawing from social interactions struggling to assert themselves in social situations, and difficulties forming and maintaining friendships. If you notice any of these behavioral, emotional and social indicators, having an open and non judgmental conversation with your children helps to create a safe space for them to express their feelings. Early intervention helps your children navigate challenges, develop a healthier self perception, and cultivate the self esteem and self confidence needed for a fulfilling and resilient life journey. The downsides of a child that has low self esteem can persist throughout their developmental journey. Low self esteem can hinder a child's ability to form and maintain healthy relationships because they may struggle to believe in their own worthiness and then be hesitant to engage with others fearing judgment or rejection. It can also infiltrate a child's academic journey impacting their motivation, engagement, and performance. Low self esteem in childhood can lead to mental health issues like anxiety, depression, and other mental health struggles in adulthood. When you nurture your children's self efficacy, which is their belief in their ability to achieve their goals, you equip them with mindset to challenge self doubt. They learn to view challenges as opportunities for growth and setbacks as just stepping stones to success. Speaking of self efficacy, this is an overlooked skill that you should strongly encourage in your children. Self efficacy, sometimes referred to as inner efficacy, is a child's belief in his or her own capacity to do what it takes to meet his or her goals. While self esteem might say I'm amazing, inner efficacy says, I have what it takes to figure this out and achieve what I set out to do. Children with a strong sense of self efficacy are more likely to challenge themselves and put in the effort. Rather than blaming external circumstances or some immutable lack of talent for their failures, they'll focus on factors that are within their control. Research shows that children gain self efficacy from four sources. 1. The experience of getting things right. For this to happen, children have to be challenged at the right level. Pushing them into educational experiences they're not ready for can be counterproductive. Whenever they worry about not being able to do something, you can promote a growth mindset by telling them you're not there yet. 2. Watching others get it Right have you.

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It's important that children see others they consider similar to themselves in at least some specifics like age, ethnicity, gender or interest achieving similar goals. The peer modeling doesn't have to come from people exactly like your children. However, watching a much older child of a different race and gender, a cough is something, but might not have the same effect. 3. Reminders that they have a history of getting things right the stories we tell ourselves about the past create our sense of competence about the future. Research indicates that people who lean into optimism, have a growth mindset and believe in themselves often don't have much different past experiences than their past pessimistic peers. They just remember successes more vividly than failures. 4. A sense of calm in their bodies. If children feel stressed, queasy, or anxious when faced with challenges, it can be difficult to perform without taking care of that physiological response first. Teaching your children self soothing practices like mindful breathing will go a long way to help them become competent at whatever they focus on. There are ways to help your children build self efficacy. One is to encourage them to try something they're not immediately good at. Instead of saying practice makes perfect, which is not always true because perfectionism is not ideal, remind your child that effort makes evolution. 2. Clarify to correct don't just mark mistakes with a red pen and say that's wrong again. Instead, try restating, rephrasing, changing the question, clarifying directions, and going over previously learned skills. Even with young children who point to a red apple and say blue, you can say, oh yes, blueberries are blue and this is a red apple. And instead of just correcting them. 3. Praise with specificity when it's earned. When you say good job, it needs to be sincere and specific. Tell your children when you recognize their real effort, persistence, creativity, independence, and competence. You don't have to completely erase good job from your vocabulary. Just add a bit more detail like Good job applying that new vocabulary word you just learned. 4. Point out strategy. Help your children draw the line between the action and the achievement. If your child does a good job writing an essay they've outlined, for example, you can say I noticed you made an outline. I bet that's one reason you did so well. Or alternative you might say I noticed you didn't do an outline. It can really be tough to write an essay when you don't have an outline. Let's try writing one using an outline this time. When children understand that their failures aren't due to permanent limitations, there's an opening for future achievement. Similarly, there are ways to boost your child's self esteem and self confidence. These include understanding the power of your family environment, the importance of effective communication, which is communicating openly and actively listening to your child's thoughts and feelings without judgment. It also includes empowering your children to make their own decisions and take ownership of their choices. Surrounding your child with positive role models who demonstrate healthy self esteem, resilience and compassion. Creating an environment where encouragement is a part of daily life. Teaching your children that setbacks are a natural part of growing up and in fact life and that they can develop the tools to overcome any setback. It also includes encouraging your children to express their emotions openly and demonstrating the importance of self care and self compassion through how you model taking care of yourself. Validating your children's emotions sends a powerful message that their feelings are valid and valuable. When their emotional experiences are acknowledged, they internalize the understanding that their thoughts and feelings are a necessary component of their identity. It basically lets your child know that he or she is safe, seen, heard and valued. This is what builds a foundation for self esteem. Emotional validation can be a buffer against the impact of negative experiences. So when your child faces challenges and setbacks, the support of validated emotions provides comfort. By providing a safe space for your child to express emotions, you lay the groundwork for a future best marked by emotional intelligence, resilience and unshakable self belief. Open communication is also a foundation for developing self esteem and self confidence. Open communication creates an environment where children feel heard and understood, both of which are essential elements for nurturing self esteem. As you engage in conversations about emotions, your children learn to process their feelings effectively, leading to a positive impact on their self perception. A practical step to foster a growth mindset is to praise your child's efforts over outcomes. When you do this, you emphasize the process rather than the end result in that it instills the belief that hard work and perseverance are the keys to success. When your children encounter challenges, encourage them to persist in and find solutions. During this process, it's important to emphasize learning from mistakes to analyze what went wrong and adjust their approach and improve. Remind them that difficulties are part of the learning journey and that their efforts will lead to mastery. Remember to celebrate their progress. I like to say that there is no shame in the learning struggle. The learning process is all about learning from mistakes and challenges. By normalizing struggle, you help your children develop a healthy relationship with challenges. They can begin to view obstacles as opportunities to learn, adapt and grow. It's also helpful to share your stories of struggle and resilience resilience because in doing so, you empower your children to embrace challenges and the stories also help to equip them with the belief that they have the strength to overcome obstacles and learn from experiences. Be sure to encourage your child's interest in diverse topics, whether that's music, ballet, science, storytelling, etc. And provide opportunities for them to engage in those activities. It might be helpful to set meaningful goals that align with their interests and values as this gives them a sense of purpose and direction to work towards. Setting these goals can also cultivate a problem solving mindset. Learning to break down goals into more manageable chunks makes the task more doable and and your child develops competence as each milestone is completed. Additionally, help your children to reinforce their positive self talk which can guide them to replace self doubt with self encouragement. Lastly, set aside time each day to discuss how each of your children is feeling. This regular practice cultivates emotional awareness and encourages open communication. Open communication is necessary for healthy relationships. When helping your child develop healthy friendships, instill the value of honesty because being a good friend means being truthful even if sometimes the truth is difficult to share, as in friendships and in other social relationships. Teaching your child assertiveness techniques becomes a shield of self esteem and a tool for fostering resilience. Assertiveness is a valuable life skill that empowers children to communicate their needs, express their feelings, and stand up for themselves in a respectful and competent manner. It allows your child to communicate his or her boundaries and needs effectively. It's all about helping your children recognize their unique qualities and strengths. Here are the action steps you can take regarding this topic. Parenting is all about learning as you go, so to speak. It's important to have the resources and the tools to help guide you on your parenting journey. A lot of the time we parent according to how we were parented. That may not have been the best way, so you make adjustments as needed. I'm sure that when I was raising my children, some of these tools and practical steps weren't utilized by me. But as I participate in co parenting the next generation and as a lifelong learner, I can implement these ideas with my grandchildren. One of the things that I did do was encourage my children to participate in extracurricular activities. Sometimes all you need to do is introduce your children to different hobbies by attending events, exhibitions or workshops. Visiting museums, art galleries, music performances or sports events can spark their curiosity or piqued their interest. You can also share your own hobbies and interests with your children. This may inspire them to try new things themselves. When children are engaged in various activities like sports, arts, hobbies or new skills, these empower children throughout life because they foster a sense of accomplishment and craft an unwavering belief in their abilities. Engaging in extracurricular activities is a powerful avenue for enforcing self esteem and self competence. Juggling school activities and responsibilities at home instills effective time management skills. Your children learn to allocate time efficiently between various commitments and this translates into into both their academic and personal lives. Extracurricular activities also teach children to set objectives and work diligently to achieve them. It's important to remember that interests may change and evolve over time, so be patient and open to the shifting preferences as they continue to explore their interests. Developing the skills that are necessary as they pursue different hobbies or sports is a proactive way to cultivate self esteem. These insights from the book and the research that I've been discussing have hopefully given you some practical steps to build self esteem and self efficacy in your children. Implementing these steps as you raise your children we'll pay off in the end. If you liked this episode, then support me and my podcast and help me grow it by leaving a review. This helps my rankings and entices other people to listen to the show and share this episode with anyone that you think will find it valuable. Be sure to tell your friends, family and community about my podcast. Thanks for listening today. I hope you'll come back for more K12 educational discussions with even more exciting topics to untangle. Stay tuned. On the next episode, I'll be sharing my thoughts on the difference between knowledge versus wisdom. Until next time, aim to learn something new every day. Foreign.

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