A short YouTube talk by Lenny Rachitsky arguing that the goal in conflicts should be mutual understanding rather than proving who is right. He presents a four-step framework—observations, feelings, needs, and requests—and illustrates it with a Sprint-planning example (missed invitations → feelings of anxiety → need for clarity/collaboration → request to be optionally included or sent the roadmap).
Chapters
People, when they want to have a conflict, they come in ready to prove their point. There's a misguided view that the goal is to convince the other person that what they're doing is wrong. Actually, the goal of any conflict is to create mutual understanding. I'm going to give you a framework that's four steps. The first step is observations. Note what is happening factually. For example, in the last three Sprint planning meetings, you didn't invite me to those conversations or share with me the roadmap. It's a fact. I could take a picture of it and no one would argue with them. The next step is feelings. So. So I'm gonna express my feelings without blame, so the other party can empathize and understand what I'm going through without being defensive. I felt anxious not knowing what was on the roadmap for the week. The third step is needs. What are my universal human needs related to this topic? This is not requiring anything of the other person, just helping them understand my needs that are not met. So I have a need for clarity. I have a need for collaboration. And lastly, the step is to make a request, an olive branch. It shouldn't be something that's impossible to do. So in this case, I might make a request next time you have a Sprint planning meeting to include me as optional or to send me the roadmap afterwards. Now, the other person doesn't have to meet my request, but the most important thing of this model, in this conversation, is that the other person understands what I'm going through and they don't feel reactive so that we can have a mutual conversation about what's going on.
