10 SECRET WAYS To Align With Your True Self & Attract Your Perfect Partner | Stephan Speaks

Be your feminine self first and you'll be able to attract the man that you can continue to be feminine with or that will honor, respect, and value your feminine energy. But what's happening to so many women.

Is if a woman really wants to attract the right healthy man, someone that.

Is.

Safe in terms of they can trust but where they have to fully they have to feel a little vulnerable to really dive in and they really care about this man in a big way. what does a woman need to do in order to attract that ideal partner for themselves?

It's the same answer for the women in reverse. It's walking in their true feminine confident self whoever they really are but being that best version of themselves. And to what you were saying it can't be find a man who you can be feminine with it has to be be your feminine self first and you'll be able to attract the man that you can continue to be feminine with or that will honor, respect, and value your feminine energy and protect your feminine energy. That's what you want but what's happening to so many women is they become detached from their femininity or they're viewing it in a negative way. They're viewing it as weakness as when I'm feminine I get played, I get taken advantage of. And so, the mindset is if I find the right man, I can be that. So, you'll hear a lot of women say well, I am feminine in a relationship. The problem is he can't see that far in to know that he wants to get in a relationship with you.

If you can spot it quickly it's like a quick essence of seeing either a man or a woman if they're in that masculine or feminine energy, right? You can see it how they walk, how they talk, how they look at you. you know, how they carry themselves, you can feel it in a few seconds probably. So, if you're guarded and you're not allowing yourself to flow in that energy someone is going to see that and they're going to be you know, not as attracted to you. You're going to be repelling.

And what's going to happen is and I'm sure you can vouch to this once a person heals spotting hurt, dysfunction, trauma it's like it's easy now. It's like your eyes are now so wide open. You know, when we're not healed we make excuses.

Cloudy.

Yeah, we've been there many times in the past.

Exactly.

So, I think that's what a lot of people don't realize is if you're still guarded the reality is you're guarded because you're holding on to hurt that you have not resolved. You're holding on to fear due to past experiences. Well, healthy men can see there's something wrong and like, oh, I'm not gonna.

Do it on that path. Yeah, I'm good with this. It's interesting because I've learned a lot in the past, I don't know, four years from different relationships, from, you know, breakups and healing. And I really took your lesson to heart after, I think, the first time we interviewed, I interviewed you, where you were like, step one is heal, right? This is the healing journey. I didn't do that previous relationship. I stepped into another one without healing. And then I was just like, I.

Can never do this again.

Again because I thought entering a new relationship with a different person would create different results. And that wasn't the case because I still hadn't healed.

Exactly.

So it wasn't until I spent, you know, six intensive months of therapy coaching and doing the internal work where I was able to start healing wounds. And it's a journey. You know, it's not like you're healed after one, you know, day or something, but it's been a continuous Journey. I was able to spot it. And more importantly, I was able to be. so courageously honest with who I am, what I want, the vision for my life and a vision for a relationship, my values, what are non-negotiables for me, and I was so clear to let go of any potential relationship that didn't fit within a vision that I had. I was so happy to be a single for years and create peace within then enter something where I had to compromise. Constantly compromise. Now, I'm all for alignment and agreements where there's maybe I don't get 100% of everything I want every moment, but we have a shared agreements and alignment on our values, our vision and our lifestyle. It's like, and speaking about it early in a dating experience for me was the shift. saying, Hey, listen, tell me what you think about this concept. I love your concept of healing first before entering a new relationship. And something I did in the current relationship is I was like, we're not gonna have sex until we're committed, until we actually get clear on all these other things that I wanna talk about. Challenges, I never had the courage to talk about these things early enough in a dating experience about values, vision, lifestyle, all these things, my priorities in life. But this time I did. And I think it gave me a lot more peace, being able to speak my mind without clouded sexual confusion. And I think a lot of people jump into sexual chemistry and acts of sexual interaction too soon before having the vulnerable conversations. Why do you think that is? And do you like that idea of waiting for a period of time until some type of a commitment I'm not saying it's all marriage but at least having these kind of conversations first.

No, absolutely. I think if more people could wait it would make things a lot better.

As you said.

Not only are we afraid to ask certain questions and discuss certain things but it's like we don't want to face the possible reality of this situation so we keep everything on the surface. We keep it at the sex, we keep it at hanging out here and having fun and yeah, we get along with each other's friends and blah, blah, blah. And that's great, but we're not diving deeper. And it's because I think deep inside we may know that once we do this may not work anymore. And so, we don't want to have to face that, we don't want to have to let go. So, we keep kicking the can down the road. So, I definitely think by removing... The more we can remove any distractions that impair judgment the better. So, sex is something that can Definitely impair judgment. I'll give you another example, I knew this one guy he went on a couple of dates and first date I think was a concert and the second date was some kind of other festivity. And I said listen, don't ever take a woman to a concert on the first date because here's the thing. One, there's a huge distraction, the concert going on. It's not really an opportunity for you two to dive into each other. Two, even if you guys don't really mesh well, if you have fun at the concert because you guys love that artist and you love that atmosphere well, that's clouding your judgment to seeing but we don't really like hanging out with each other like that. See, hanging out with each other in fun environments that we already enjoy that doesn't qualify it. Is can we sit in a room with nothing going on just talk and actually enjoy each other's presence? That tells us if we really like each other. So, I definitely think it's best to wait as long as possible. And as far as why people do it I mean, one people just horny, that's true. We're going to keep it real that's.

One of the things.

I think also again, for some so, okay for some women and this is just some women the idea is if I sleep with him and I put it on him he'll like me. I'll get what I want out this guy. So, it's a weapon for her. For some guys some of it is just desire but some of it also is I want to make sure she actually is attracted to me because a lot of men have dated women, waited only to find out that she had sex with someone else during that process or only to find out she was never really that interested. He feels used. So, his way, some guy's way of trying to confirm that you actually have genuine interest is through intimacy. You see, so some will rush to that as a form of validation for themselves. And I think just also again, people sometimes get caught up in the moment and I hate when people say oh, well, there was this great sexual chemistry. Chemistry cannot occur until you guys actually have sex. So, what you felt was attraction and horniness at the same time and it created this energy between you all and you want to move forward with that. And so, again, you just have to be careful. Now, I think it doesn't mean every person who's had sex too soon is doomed. There are people who've gotten married after having sex on the first date. You know, some people are able to pull back and still properly evaluate. But individuals have to be honest with themselves about how does this impact my ability to see if this is the right person for me and for me to show up as my authentic self in this relationship?

What do you think would be three things that every woman should either do or not do before they get into a committed relationship? relationship? Not even talking about marriage but just I'm going to... Now, I'm going to be committed and we're going to commit to each other what are three things they should or should not do before that?

Okay.

Or three conversations or whatever it might be.

I think one conversation that everyone needs to have is what do you see your role as in relationship and what do you see my role as? Let's discuss all the needs and desires. I really... I would argue 90% of people enter into a commitment not even knowing the full list of what this person wants and expects or is hoping for out of this.

So, roles and responsibilities in a relationship is that in a dating relationship or in a marriage relationship?

It could be boyfriend whatever level we're trying to go to next. So, if right now we're trying to just be boyfriend and girlfriend let's define that. I think defining it for marriage as well if that's the ultimate end goal would be smart because what's the point.

Of doing two years dating?

Yeah, and then we find out we're.

On two different pages for marriage. But why do people not have this roles conversation before they come in.

So, what's popping in my head right now is a lot of people are ashamed to state what they want. They feel like they're not allowed... So, perfect example, there are some men out there and even some women who are sticklers when it comes to your physical appearance, all right. And they have certain expectations as far as how they want you to look. But society, family, friends tells them Oh, that's shallow. Oh, if you love them that shouldn't matter. So, then people become hesitant to say this is what I'm expecting, this is what I want. Also, because at that point you already like this person again, there's this fear of if I say what I really want, I may lose what I'm hoping to hold on to right now, all right. So, let me just find a way to dance around this and hope we can discuss it later. I also think some people just don't truly know and understand themselves enough to articulate what it is that they need and desire in this relationship. So, too many people haven't spent time just really asking themselves okay, what is important to me? What's going to make me happy? And what is it that if it's not involved in this relationship is not going to allow me to show up 100%. So, basically, if And I'm just using this as a random example. If you're a man and you value a woman who's cooking for you and you say, all right, if she's not cooking that's going to make you miserable to the point that you will no longer be showing up 100% for this relationship, then you should not sacrifice a woman who can cook. Plain and simple, whatever it is. If it's for a woman you know, communication or going out often, certain lifestyles, all these things need to be discussed. And I just think that people just, they hope for the best rather than face the reality of what may be going on right now.

And I think, you know, I speak for myself too, but I think I know a lot of people lean too much on the sexual chemistry, right? Whether it be the desire, the feeling they have between each other or the actual act of sex that feels so good with the dopamine. You're just like, this feels so good to be with this person. that they don't want to rock the boat and ask those questions or communicate.

And here's what's crazy about that. For women, I can't tell you how many women have had sex with men. The sex wasn't that great. It was nothing special. But she likes him so much that.

She pushes past that. Really? Yes, absolutely.

How important is great sex for a relationship to last?

In my opinion, it's extremely important. So, consider what you just mentioned with the oxytocin. The oxytocin is released through orgasm, all right. So, if you're not having sex that takes you to orgasm you're not getting at least from my knowledge, maybe I'm wrong, but you're not getting the full dose of oxytocin there. I also believe like I view oxytocin as like a God mechanism. Meaning, it was put there to help two people stay bonded together. Yes, so, if we are married or whatever that we're having great sex consistently we're going to be much more bonded to each other. If we're not having great sex we.

Don'T have that bond anymore.

You see I'm saying? Now, it's so much easier for things to get in between. So, I think that it's extremely important but I will say that great if subjective and you know, what level of quality that man or that woman needs is going to vary. But they have to have their needs satisfied or else you're asking for trouble.

So this conversation about needs needs to happen before you get committed, right? Needs, response, roles, and how you're gonna play, how I'm gonna play a role in this, how you're gonna play a role in this. What would that conversation look like? You know, people have been together, dating for a couple of months, they're thinking about getting connected. Should they say, hey, here are the three things I want to talk about. You know, Stefan speaks said, we gotta have these three conversations. One's about needs, one's about what was the third thing?

What do we say?

I don't think we've talked about the third one yet.

What would be the third one, the third conversation to have?

Or the third conversation to have? Oh, man. I just think it's about how we need to communicate when there is an issue. I think we lack having a structure of communication to where if there's an issue that needs to be resolved we understand how we go about this. You know, when you're trying to fix things on the fly or handle things on the fly you're now at the mercy of your emotions and where that may take you in that moment. So, by having something that we agreed upon okay, we take maybe 10 minutes off in our own corners then we come back and we discuss this or we write a letter or you know, some people have the rule we don't go to sleep mad at each other. having those structures in place because the communication without healthy communication the relationship is not going to last and it's not going to be successful. So, it's important to have something laid out so we know how to go about this. You know, I'm a huge fan in writing letters even when it comes to discussing deep issues. So, maybe implementing that in the process. But once we can agree to a structure and agree to we will always make time to sit down and talk about these things as well as adding constructive criticism. So, I think I mentioned this to you before like I believe in relationship checkups. So, that's another part of the structure where maybe we agree every three months or six months, whatever it is maybe once a month where we have a time where we sit down and we go over all right, what's good here? What needs to be improved? What aren't you happy with? Let's consistently constructively criticize so we are aware because What happens in so many relationships is that let's say you're not happy about something but you guys never make time to talk about it. So, now it lingers and in that lingering now you're catching an attitude. Now, they're mad at you but they don't understand that at the root of it is this issue that was never expressed. So, now they feel like you're being stupid or you're acting crazy or whatever. Now, that turns into a lack of intimacy because if she's feeling some type of way emotionally she's not going to be sexually receptive to her man. Now that turns into more resentment. It just dominoes and it just gets worse and worse. So, we have to establish communication structure as possible.

I love that. You know, something that Martha and myself started to do before we got into a commitment, I said listen, the only way you know this works for me one of my needs is that we enter the relationship in some type of therapeutic coaching experience. It doesn't have to be a therapist, it doesn't, you know, Whatever we want to do, we need a third party that we can sit with once every couple of months and talk about agreements and just making sure we're staying on track with what we want in the relationship. That's something that I always wanted but never created. And I said, listen, this is the only way this will work for me, is creating that, making sure that need is met. She was like, I'm down. And what that did for us was it allowed us early on to create an agreement about how to communicate when things were uncomfortable. And one of the agreements was like, listen, I'm never gonna yell or raise my voice, but I can't have someone else in my space doing the same thing. Like if you scream and you yell because you can't manage your emotions, that doesn't work for me. And if you wanna yell at another person, then cool, but that's not gonna be me. And so we created that agreement, and there hasn't been, there's been uncomfortable conversations Mm-. But we have agreements on how to communicate with each other so it doesn't escalate.

Exactly.

And it's been a beautiful practice because we both have an agreement and there's a third party that witnessed the agreement, you know, as opposed to, no, I never said this.

People do it all the time.

Yeah.

You create something you talk about when you're all loving and kind, but then a year later, like, I never said I'd do these things.

Right.

So I think it's re, for me, it's been really helpful to just over communicate in some ways and be like, these are what I need, this is what I want. And are you in alignment with this?

Yes.

That's been really powerful. So this masculine and feminine energy is something that you say has been, you know, people have been confused about lately.

Yeah, right.

Why are people confused about understanding and stepping into their masculine or feminine energy?

So, it's... I'm trying to find the right way to say this but I'm just going to say it. Society has been pushing for equality so hard that they're now causing a lack of balance between men and women. And don't get me wrong I mean, I'm all for equality in certain areas, right. But I think we have to recognize we are two different types of people we are wired differently. If we would come into understanding of our differences we can create more harmony. We don't need to be like each other So, here's one perfect example of how I feel like it's throwing things off a lot going back to the sex. So, you'll have this push where people are saying, well, women are just like men when it comes to sex. I even one time many years ago, I won't say the name of the company, but I was brought to a dating app company and it was me and a few other people and they had this presentation and they had this scientist that said there was a study that shows women want sex as much as men. And I disputed it. I was like no. I said, I think what that study is not taking into account is that you guys are combining intimacy with sex. Women want intimacy and unfortunately for most women they feel like they can't get the intimacy unless they go through sex.

To get it, all right.

So, just getting a guy to just cuddle with you and touch without it trying to escalate to sex that's hard for a lot of women.

They don't experience that.

You talk to a lot of married women they'll say the only time my husband wants to touch me is when he wants to have sex. So, going back to this pushing that men and women are the same. So, look at it like this, if you're telling men that women are just like us, that man now feels like there's no need for foreplay, there's no need for connection outside the bedroom, there's no need to make sure she's there emotionally or mentally because we don't need that, all right. When we're ready to go we're ready to go. It could be World War III outside, we're still ready to go. But that woman if she is consumed mentally that's going to hinder her ability to show up sexually. If she's stressed out. If she's stressed out, if there's too much going on, if she doesn't feel comfortable and safe in that relationship. Again, the connection outside the bedroom affects the connection inside the bedroom. She needs a little bit more as far as foreplay and again, is this every last woman? No, but typically this is the case. So, by fighting for equality you're limiting people's ability to have sexual harmony, all right. But if we accept it okay, these are the differences. This is what I have to do as a man to create a more sexually receptive environment well, things everybody wins.

What does a man need to do to create a more sexually receptive environment?

So, I think the first thing is the connection outside the bedroom. Again, so here's as we said earlier women want to feel safe. They want to feel secure. If you can't...

But if they go after the safe guy...

Remember, that's different.

They go after the safe guy that's just a guy who they don't have.

To be too vulnerable with. Yes.

But we're talking about creating safety where she can give you all of her love, all of her heart but she can rest a little easy that you it's in good hands, all right. That you have good intentions. that you're not judging her. That's one of the big things you want to let a woman feel more sexually receptive you can't make her feel judged. You know what I'm saying? The minute she feels like you're judging her or you're going to look at her some kind of way you make.

It harder for her to open up to you in that area. What about when a woman judges the.

Man or makes him wrong or he's not enough? I think... Well, I say this, I think it will hurt him and his ability to show up emotionally for her. It doesn't have the same negative impact on him sexually, can it? yes, but not as common as it will for a woman, all right. Most men even though they're feeling some kind of way they're going to still.

Show up to the bedroom no problem.

But opening up emotionally becomes harder. So, that's why a lot of men struggle speaking to their woman and letting her in into his life even deeper because of the fear of she won't respect me if I tell her how I'm really feeling. She'll look at me different. So, that's and again, it highlights the differences of how these actions impact us and the environments they create in our relationship. So, I think that we've got to get back to understanding the difference between men and women, the balance of the masculine and feminine and why that is so important to the success of a relationship.

How do people start to buy into that again and believe in that and start to shift the way? Because it's like telling people to completely shift who they are, how they've been acting in order to buy into that, believe it, and not get hurt by stepping into that.

Yes. I think step one is asking yourself, what kind of life do you want to live? Because a lot of people's struggle with getting in tune with their energy is due to letting outside noise tell them how they should live, what should be acceptable. So for example, If you're a woman and you want to walk in your feminine and let's just say not even just walking in your feminine. Let's just say you're a woman and your heart is in having a family, being at home, doing these things. But society is telling you can't do that that's weak, you can't rely on a man all these things. Well, it pushes her away from where her heart really wants to be. And now, she's at conflict with herself. And how can you create that life that you desire if you're at conflict with yourself? It's the same thing for a man. If you as a man want a woman who can be feminine to you and have a certain lifestyle in the household but you're letting society tell you no, 50/50 and all these things. Well, you can't do that. Like, at that point you're compromising what you really want, who you really are and that takes you away from achieving what you're trying to achieve. So, each individual has to sit and ask themselves okay, what kind of life do I really want to live? And what kind of life would I want to live if there was no.

Fear of getting hurt or fear of judgment.

Exactly, because now if the if... Because I'll tell you this if most women like the topic of being submissive is a hot topic for a lot of women. A lot of women don't like that word. But I always argue that if you sat down with a bunch of women and say listen, if an angel can come from the sky and say I will give you the most amazing man he will tap into all your needs he will make sure you are protected, never cheat on you. All you need to do is be submissive to him. 90% of women will sign up right away.

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Chemistry can be created, all right? And again, so using the whole basketball analogy, a team comes together, you can build chemistry. We can learn how to work together. We can learn how to coexist, so to speak. but that doesn't mean we really like each other at its core, all right. There's the difference. So, you can have a team where the players learn to play together but they still hate each other, all right.

So, they had chemistry.

But no connection.

But not connection.

Exactly, when you have connection in relationship that is way more important than chemistry because the connection will bring the chemistry. We don't got to worry about the chemistry part. When two people have a connection they learn. Exactly, and it's a rare thing again, we don't experience that with everybody. It's something that happens you it's rare to find someone who can say they've had that deep genuine connection more than two times in their life. If even twice, all right. It's usually once to be honest with you. Wow. But I'm going to give it two.

Times and yes, there are going to.

Be some people out there that say well, there's billions of people in this world why could it's not about yes, is it technically possible? Maybe so but you're not going to come across billions of people in the world. you're only going to come across a certain amount of individuals and in that group of people yes, you're only going to find that connection maybe once or twice. And once you get there like once somebody sets the bar that high in your life it is very hard.

Yeah, you have to refine that.

Exactly, you're not going to feel comfortable anymore going beneath that. If you do you're going to find yourself not at peace and very miserable in your relationship.

Wow. Connection, balance, is there anything else or is those are really the main two things and everything else is figure out.

I would... The last thing I'm going to throw in is attraction. And the reason I throw it in is because I feel like in this world we try to shame people for putting a focus on attraction. And to me it's not about looks. Looks is about specifically saying you have to look like this, you have to be this tall, you have to have this body shape. I'm not saying looks, I'm saying attraction. we have to be physically drawn to each other. That's the last ingredient that takes a relationship from platonic to romantic. And that's the ingredient that if you remove it will make a romantic relationship. Friends, exactly, friends, roommates. You got people living together.

No sexual chemistry.

Exactly, because why the attraction is gone. But if you bring it back into that relationship see how quickly things change. That is the ingredient so, we have to be willing to embrace the fact of Yes, attraction is necessary one, when we first meet each other and we need that to be more drawn to each other. But then to maintain and sustain that great relationship we can't make excuses for letting ourselves go and understand there's a difference between aging and letting yourself go. A lot of people are letting themselves go making excuses for it. I understand life hits us it's tougher as we get older yes, but you got to work to maintain attraction in your relationship. You let that go to the wayside.

I'm friends.

Exactly.

How important is sex in a relationship?

Hugely important.

This is coming from a guy who's abstinent, right?

Yeah, right. Well, you know what to me I.

Say hugely important from the standpoint of I think people have to look at sex not just from the perspective of pleasure but from the perspective of bonding. I believe it is an opportunity for two people to grow closer together and when two people know how to truly satisfy each other it creates an amazing bond. bond.

Deeper connection, better balance, more attraction, yes, all of that. Keeps it going.

Exactly, because if you have two unsatisfied people sexually you're going to have a problem. You can't find a relationship where that exists and they're all happy and everything's great it doesn't work that way. People crave intimacy, people crave that level of bonding with each other. And yes, biologically speaking we can talk about the needs of a man and a woman and all these things but I think even going deeper spirituality and all that sex is important and we are not taking enough of a mature approach to understanding and learning sex. I think people are very much behind in their understanding of it.

Especially in America, it's like we weren't educated.

Exactly.

It's a very like hush hush type of thing. It's not talked about in schools. Your parents, at least most parents aren't talking about it until it's like the moment and it's like let me say something to just get it out and then let them figure it out.

And not just that, a lot of our parents don't know either.

Right.

Like, people just don't take time to get more educated on their bodies, on sex, on true sexual satisfaction. There's a lot of lies going on. I tell people all the time listen, a lot of women aren't being sexually satisfied, all right. But they're lying to their friends, they're lying to their partners. So, there's a perception that everything is all good. No, it's not. There's a huge disconnect between the reality or the perception of women's sexual satisfaction and the reality of women's and sexual satisfaction. And that contributes to a disconnect in marriages. Because again, if the woman is not satisfied she now becomes less willing to be sexually involved with her husband. Now, he starts to gain resentment, he starts to feel neglected.

He starts to wander.

Exactly, snowballs from there. We can't overlook that and act like everything's going to be fine. And we can't say well, you should love them enough to where it doesn't matter. listen, we're talking about maintaining a committed relationship that's a part of it plain and simple. And we have to learn how to make it better on both sides and how to be more honest with each other. I think if we can learn to be more honest and transparent then we can work on the things that are lacking. But people again, they feel very uncomfortable speaking about sex, speaking about their needs and constructively criticizing their partners. We have to learn how to... Because.

You don't want to hurt someone, yeah.

Exactly.

So, how often should we be talking about our sexual needs needs in an intimate relationship. Should it be like once a month we sit down and like schedule an hour? Is it like pillow talk every week? Like what should be, again, everyone's different, but what do you think is an appropriate amount of time?

Yeah, I think it depends. So what jumps in my head, I would say every three months if I had to put a number on it, all right? But I do think it depends on the couple. I think more so it's when an issue arises, talk about it.

There you go.

The key is we have to create environments where we can have those talks. See again, we're laying the wrong foundations in our relationships to where we can't have these open discussions about sex and other things lacking in our relationship. And we're afraid to push our partners away, we're afraid to ruffle the feathers or rock the boat. But if you can't talk to them...

We resent things, right?

Exactly, and what happens is you hold it in and now the negative energy comes out in other ways. And now, they're confused because they're like, why are they giving me this attitude? And they're thinking like I said earlier, he's thinking it's about the towel. No, it's not about the towel, it's really about something else that you're not telling him. So, we need to be more honest and transparent and we need to create an environment where we can have this talk and you're not going to take it personally to where you're going to internalize it or allow it to now throw our relationship off because you're getting upset and you're allowing it to you know, have a negative impact. No, take it as okay, that's how you feel, cool, let's work on this. How can we make this better? We have to be serious about tending to the needs of our partner if we're gonna have successful relationships.

There's so many divorces happening, it's higher than ever, right? I think it's the divorce attorney on who's talking about how it's higher than ever. There's also even more people who stay married who probably shouldn't be divorced, who aren't happy. And so it sounds like there's a very small percentage of married people who've been together for many years who are actually still thriving in relationship. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe there's more, but.

It sounds like it, right?

There's a very small percentage that are having these incredible long lasting marriages and relationships that have the attraction and connection and balance and all these things. Why do you think that is and how can we decrease the number of failed relationships? Or is that the wrong question to ask?

No, I think it's a good question. Well, one we have to understand marriage is not the issue it's marrying the wrong person and marrying for the wrong reasons, all right. And then underlying to those things is the lack of healing. Because it's the lack of healing that leads us into these wrong relationships and allows us to entertain situations we should not entertain. Because again, for example, if you're a guy or a woman if you've been through some things and now you think you don't deserve that great person, that great relationship because your perception of yourself is low. Now, you're going to just latch on to whoever comes around who says I want to be with you and willing to give you what you want at that moment. And you're thinking okay, this is safe, this will work, let me go ahead and go with it. But you're never truly into them like that it's never going to be the relationship it needs to be, all right. But that all stemmed from your lack of self-worth because you didn't heal from.

Whatever traumatized you emotionally before.

So, how do we heal first?

What's that process look like?

So, it's a long process and I do plan on I have a book I'm working on right now called Finding Love After Heartbreak and it's going to lay out the entire process. But so, I'll give a little bit right now and I'll save the rest for later. So, one thing is first we got to get the hurt out and so, I have this exercise I do at all my events called the who Hurt Me List and so, you get a piece of paper, write down 100 people.

Like, oh, my gosh, ask yourself the.

Who hurt me? And now, every person who comes to mind write them on that paper. Doesn't matter if you think you moved past it, doesn't matter if you think it's small and insignificant. If they came to mind when you asked yourself that question put them on the paper.

Anyone in your life.

Anyone, from a childhood friend to your parents, to a lover, anyone, anyone, anything if they come to mind put them on that list. Because that's how we start to recognize the pain points in your life. Now, we see okay, this is where it's coming from. A lot of people have suppressed what has happened to them. And so, you can't address and resolve something that you're not willing to accept exist in your life. And the reality is that just because it was 10 years ago, 20 years ago it's still lingering within you and it's causing a lot of problems and it causes a lot of emotional stress which then turns into physical elements and.

It just snowballs tension, anxiety, fear, all of this thing.

Yes, depression. Yeah. All right. A lot of these things that we go through in mental health stems from things that we have not resolved from our past, all right. And it's just all contributing to the issues that we're experiencing in the now. And some of us we may not be experiencing the issues right now but we will it's coming. It's just festering in you and it's.

Going to come out at some point. Yeah, so write a list and think.

About those moments and reflect on them or what's... Well, no so at that point once you get the list now we can see the first person and I won't go too much further but let's just say you're going to have to go through a process of getting things off your chest. We have not released these things from our spirit, from our system and we need to essentially emotionally detox. And to do that you've got to get it out. So, whether you speak into a recorder, write a letter, something like I said...

Screaming into a pillow or anything, right?

Yeah, but I do want like a full release again, we don't fully release.

Would you release each person or just everyone at one time?

So, I would say this you want to start with let's say your top three. Now, I've had clients where they did.

Their top three and that kind of.

Once they got through those they were able to process everyone differently to where it wasn't necessary to do everyone else, all right. Now, if you have 10 significant experiences and 10 significant different people that need to be addressed yes, you may have to release with 10 different people. So, it depends on the person and that's why something like this requires a more in-depth process. We got to talk about things, we got to understand what about it did you internalize how you're seeing it because some of it is changing your mindset, changing your perception of what happened, understanding that it wasn't about you. Like we said earlier hurt people hurt people and so, once you understand that and understand how they behave and why they behave the way they do it changes how you look at things. and how you internalize those situations. So, there's so much more we got to get into but just getting at least that list started. Yes, because now you at least get to see okay, here's where it is. Here's what needs to be addressed. Now, let me get help to address these things and start the process of healing so that I'm not ending up in more bad situations or bad relationships.

Repeating the process. Let's say you've dealt with the hurt and it takes you know, it takes the time that takes you you've gone through all that, how do you manifest and attract a partner that you want to be with that has those three keys, the connection, the attraction and the balance that you feel like is the one, could be one of the ones, how do you set yourself up to attract that incredible partner?

So one, you got to be yourself. So finding yourself is number one, all right? You can't connect with someone if they're connecting with the fake you, all right? That's a false connection. So, you have to discover who you are become confident in that stand strong in it. Now, who is drawn to that person you know it's real, all right. And so, that's where we begin. Two, you need to exude positive energy, all right. To me and this is I think this is very important for women, all right. Because the reality is that it's men or the type of men that a lot of women want aren't going to be drawn to a negative woman. No, there's millions of good women but that doesn't mean they're positive women, all right. And it's that lack of positive energy that holds them back more than they realize.

Yes, and just like even just saying negative things throughout the day. They might be a good person but if they're always complaining or negative.

Exactly, and not even just what they say again, it's how they're coming off.

Because they have their energy, their body language.

Yes, it's like so look at it like this. I tell people all the time it's not what you say it's how you make them feel, all right. So, you can say all the wonderful things you want but if in your presence they don't feel at ease, they don't feel peace, they don't feel that.

Positivity that's still going to throw everything off. If you say nice things but you have a frown.

Exactly. Exactly, exactly. And what a lot of women aren't realizing is that their energy is off because they have walls up. They're so scared, they're so fixated on protecting themselves.

Because of they've been hurt in the past.

Exactly, haven't healed from those things. But I tell people all the time the same walls you have up to protect you are the same walls blocking your blessings, all right. So, you don't realize you're restricting your ability to love and be loved because you're walking in fear, all right. You can't walk in fear and expect all these wonderful things to happen it doesn't work that way. even in business. The ones who succeed are the ones who put the fear aside and say, I'm going to have faith and push forward no matter what, no matter how it looks in front of me, no matter how many people tell me you're doing the wrong thing, get a regular job, whatever. No, you believe what you need to do and you push forward past that fear. It's the same thing with relationships. You have to push forward in faith, not fear, if you want to receive that great relationship. And so, yes, this can happen with men as well. I don't want men thinking they can carry around a bunch of negative energy and they're going to get a great relationship. But I do think it shoots women in the foot more because here's the other thing that people don't talk about.

A lot and some people may not.

Like this but I'm just going to keep it real. Yeah, for sure.

It pulls women away from their feminine energy.

When they're not positive. When they're not positive and when they're holding on to these fears and have these walls up and it's the feminine energy that makes the woman so powerful. That is what... That's the tool that is at her disposal that can make the world her oyster, all right. But women have become very detached from their femininity and the thing is this, if you... A lot of women will say they're not feminine they're just not that way. I dispute that in most situations no, you become detached from it you become uncomfortable with it due to again, a lack of healing and due to experiences in your life. Now, if you are more masculine so to speak. And you are happy that way then by all means continue to live your life as you are. But if you're not seeing things work for the way that you want them to and you're in that energy that more masculine energy or more further away from your feminine then consider making a switch. Consider at least trying it, see the difference. And what I find with a lot of women is that not only is it beneficial to them as far as Relationships wise, it's beneficial in the quality of their life, their health, their peace, their work, you name it. I have a client she's a doctor at a big hospital and when she came to me she was frustrated with relationships, ready to give up on men. Nobody liked her at work she was just a hard tough manager. So, we worked on her energy, we worked on healing, we got her energy, we got her to embrace more feminine energy. she will swear by it right now. In one month her whole hospital starts to love her. Now, they're all helpful whether they were women or men. Men started coming out the woodworks, all right.

Let me get your number, girl. Let me get that, girl.

Yeah.

She ended up meeting her soon to be fiancé on the airplane two months after we started doing the coaching.

So, what were the shifts that she made every single day? Like, what was the things that she said okay, I'm going to not be.

This way I'm going to start trying this. It was just it was one being more conscious of your energy. I think number one, we have to be mindful of the energy we're giving off. We become so distracted by our issues that we're facing in the world, by our responsibilities, we're not always in tune with what we're giving off. So, to give an example and this is just a small one even for me as a man, I work out a lot. When I come out the gym I started to notice I'm very tense, my face is you know, hard.

Exactly.

So, I've learned to when I walk out the gym take a deep breath, relax the body, relax the muscles and the energy completely changes, all right. Because yes, you can become very intimidating as a man just like you can become very intimidating as a woman. And so, you have to be mindful of are you making yourself more approachable? Are you allowing people to feel more comfortable being around you? And so, that starts with being mindful of it, being conscious of it. And one great way to do that is get an accountability partner, all right. Tell someone who has the ability to be positive because you don't want to pick a negative person to be your accountability partner. It's going to throw everything off. But you pick a positive person and you say hey, listen, whenever I'm being negative, whenever I'm giving that bad energy let me know. Because now when they tell you you won't always realize when you're doing it at least not at first. But once they start calling you out now you become more mindful of it. Now, you can take hold of it and control it and now you master what energy you're giving off at certain times. And that changes everything.

Wow. When someone feels like they found the one, and I've heard this a lot, like, I know this is the one.

Or I thought they were the one.

And then it didn't end up working out, and they want to get married, they've decided marriage is for them. They want to be life partners. What are a few of the conversations that they should have? to not know for certain but know for better certain that this is the right decision. This partnership is the right decision to move forward in a long-term committed relationship.

Okay.

As opposed to just maybe the infatuation behind it or the initial connection or the attraction. What are a few questions they should be asking each other that maybe they haven't asked yet to know whether or not they're setting themselves up for that successful long-term relationship.

Okay. Number one, how do you envision your role in a marriage, all right. People don't go in finding out what the expectations are before they get married. They have this assumption that we're just going to transition from how we are in a relationship to being that way in the marriage. No, no, no, no, no. Because a lot of times things change and the level of expectation raises now in marriage. You also have some people who may think for example, you may have a man out there who thinks okay, my job is to court you when we're boyfriend and girlfriend.

And when we're married.

When we're married, I don't got to do all that work anymore. Now, I'm your husband, I've given you the ring, satisfy me, make me happy. You got to find that out because you're setting yourself up for failure if you don't realize he thinks he gets to take time off now that he's married you or he may think as long as I'm paying these bills Don't ask me for anything else, you got to find out. So, we need to ask what do.

You... She should be asking that.

Yeah, both of them should be asking how do you perceive your role in marriage? What are your expectations from me in marriage? Let's find out what we need, what we're expecting from each other. Number two, making sure our values are aligned, all right. So, whether that be spiritual, whether that be even financial values, whatever those things are let's make sure we're on the same page about it and if we're not on the same page are these things we can balance out and work out, all right. So, for example, if let's look at it from a financial perspective. If I'm a very frugal man and this woman is a spender.

I have friends in this situation and it's not good.

And I'm sure they didn't talk about it in advance. You want to talk about these things and say okay, how do we view this? What are your expectations as a spender?

Are you someone who thinks well, I.

Got to be able to spend some free money every month?

Yeah, yeah.

I go shopping every month. What is it? Let's come to an agreement beforehand that we're both comfortable with but let's understand what we're walking into here. All right? Again, we don't talk about these things we just assume oh, because she's not asking for money now she won't ask for money later. That's not necessarily true. Let's find out. what are we expecting? Do our values align in marriage? I definitely think number three, sexual expectations. I think that needs to be discussed and understood. And again, it's all about compromise if a compromise can be found. So, it's not saying okay, well, I expected four times a week. You know, he or she says two times a week and now we're just going at it. No, well, then maybe we go with three times a week. But we make sure the compromise is something that we can both be happy with. When you compromise on something that you're not going to be happy about, you're not compromising, you're sacrificing. And those sacrifices can be good in some instances not when it's very important to you or it's going to be important enough that it would cause you to wander if you're not getting it. Never sacrifice something that's going to make you want to look at someone else in your marriage, all right. So, if you need three times a week to be happy and satisfied make that very clear. Don't agree to two and then... And then wander, yeah. Exactly, and now you're entertaining other people because you never set that expectation. Another expectation as we talked about earlier with attraction is how we keep ourselves up physically. I do think that's a good point.

What if I just gained 60 pounds in seven years and is that okay since we're married now?

Listen, people need to be honest. So, like I tell some men if you can say you know what if my wife gained 60 pounds I don't care, I'm cool with it and you're going to love her with the same energy and desire that you did 60 other pounds ago, great. But if you can't maintain that desire, that passion, 60 pounds later you need to make that known now. You can't be afraid and say well, that sounds too shallow. So, would we rather be shallow now or have a disastrous relationship later? Have you cheating on your partner because you weren't willing to be honest in the beginning, all right. Same and women too because an epidemic that's happening is women are less honest about their attraction needs so to speak, all right.

Really?

So, whenever we talk about attraction let yourself go I think people automatically think of the woman letting themselves go. But a lot of men have let themselves go and have fallen far from what he looked like when they first got married. But she's not always being as honest and straightforward about that. One reason may be because she doesn't want the pressure on her so, that's one issue right there or she may be afraid of his ego and think it's too fragile, exactly and doesn't want to say anything. But again, if you can't maintain the same passion and desire with that fall off you've got to be honest about that. So, he understands because what happens is this, so let's just use this example. he lets himself go, he lets himself go the sex falls off, all right. And the sex is falling off because she's not as attracted to him anymore. But she's not being honest about it. Now, when she does say anything about whether it's his weight or whatever the case may be he's going to think you're just making excuses, you're just trying to give a reason not to have sex rather than embracing it as this is the reality of what's holding us back. However, if we had this conversation from the jump and you were honest about it, then I always knew this would be an issue. Now, when you bring it back up, it's gonna be like, yeah, you did tell me. Wow. It just happened. So now it's gonna be easier for me to embrace that and actually do something about it.

And have the recognition and awareness about it because you'd already talked about it.

Exactly.

Now, you do a lot of these events and workshops for, you know, hundreds of women at a time. Are women opening up in these experiences when you're connecting with them and saying, Yes, I do lose the attraction. appearances are important to me or is it not as important? And from the events that you've done with the women you've talked to, what is the feedback on appearance and looks?

So, I will say this, when it comes to appearance, looks, and sex, women aren't as vocal and transparent in a group of people.

Really?

Yes.

But one-on-one with you.

One-on-one, different story. So, same thing like using the sex example, if I ask us, group of women are you getting orgasms regularly? There's going to be women in there who lie because they don't want to feel inadequate they don't want to be the woman who doesn't raise their hand and say yes, I'm getting it good. So, they're going to be hesitant or not know how to answer it but if I ask in private now, I'm.

Going to get the real truth.

Yes, and now she's going to be very clear about loss of attraction, lack of sexual satisfaction and all these things. So, that's why people have to be careful because I think sometimes we're assuming these issues don't really exist because we're not hearing it in that group setting. Don't be fooled some women just they feel more comfortable privately expressing those things. And I've heard it enough times to know this is real. And again, you just have to even if you haven't heard it enough times pay attention. There's a reason why we're seeing people fall off in marriage. There's a reason why we're seeing this disconnect. And even when it comes to infidelity there's a great focus on men who've cheated but there's a lot of women who've cheated.

A lot of women.

And it's not always for emotional reasons it's for sexual ones too. So, again, my thing is not to sit here and say well, it's about who does work. It's about okay, how do we fix this? How do we make this better? And we have to accept that yes, there are contributing factors to why we see failed marriages, why we see infidelity, why we see disconnects in our relationships. Let's address the underlying issues and be honest about it so we can get.

This on the right track.

Are there any relationships that you're aware of that have open relationships that are successful? Or do you think it's very hard to do? Because more and more with the Burning Man scene and all these people exploring these things, what's your thoughts on open relationships or being together but also having multiple partners?

So I'm gonna be honest. I I'm very skeptical of open relationships. Now, I don't want to sit here and say it's impossible for it to be successful because I haven't met everybody and I haven't studied it enough. But I have studied it to a certain extent and from what I have found is again, a lot of open relationships stem from one, the perception that one person can't fulfill me. And since one person can't fulfill me, why not have more than one, all right? And to me, find a person who's experienced that deep and genuine connection they don't have that perception. Because they had a moment in their life where they met someone that they thought this could be it. I could put my all into this and I would be happy with this one person. If you haven't experienced that connection of course, there's a natural progression to thinking well, maybe it's not going to work with just one. Can I entertain multiple if I can even handle multiple? the other thing is I do think it also stems from a lack of successful monogamy. And when I say a lack of successful monogamy I don't necessarily mean that they weren't able to maintain monogamy. It's like, okay, if I get in this monogamous relationship and now I get cheated on or I've had multiple relations where I've been cheated on. I may start to think what's the point of trying to be monogamous? Right, it's not going to work anyways. Exactly, why not just get an open relationship which one allows me to not be so vulnerable to one person.

Right.

I now have more emotional control and what you'll find a lot of situations is there's still somebody running that show. And what I mean by that is.

One of the people are running the show.

Exactly, and they're running it in a way that it's protecting them.

There's two parts to let or two drafts. The first draft is the most important. This is where we're going to have essentially an emotional detox. We got to get everything out. So, let's say on the list is your mother. I always bring up mothers because so many people have mommy issues but the world only wants to talk about daddy issues, all right. And the society has made it to where it's almost wrong for you to tell a woman she was a bad mother or to criticize your mother. So, we suppress that a lot more than we do our fathers. That's interesting, you know. So, let's say it's your mother and you're going to do the first draft. And in that first draft you're just going to let all your raw emotion out. I don't care if you curse her out, I don't care if you wish death on her, I don't care what nasty evil thing you say. However, you feel let it come out. You've got to let the anger, the hurt all pour out of you into this letter. Once you uncork that screw, that's it, exactly. And this is where it gets heavier. A lot of people may take a lot more pauses in this process, all right. Because again, so many people have been suppressing this for so long. And again, it's like any other detox when you start to detox the bad stuff has to come out first, all right. And you can't get to a healed place unless you flush out all the negative energy. So, this is why it's important. This is not the draft to be politically correct to try to frame things in the right way. I don't want you to be considerate, I don't want you to think about well, I did some wrong things too. Forget all that. This first draft is let it rip, let it rip, let it out. And I guarantee you by just doing that first draft you're going to feel better. You're going to feel a weight come off your shoulders you're going to feel more peace to you.

Great, that's the draft one. Draft two. Draft two.

So, draft two is essentially now I always tell people all right, you finish draft one, pray, meditate, whatever you got to do just get to a kind of level place mentally, calm, and now read the letter to yourself as if you were them. Oh, okay. And now, so put yourself in their shoes and anything that now comes off as attacking, condescending, blatantly insulting, you're going to change it. You're not changing the message, you're just changing your delivery of the message, all right. And the importance behind this is twofold. One, we talked about it earlier. People don't know how to communicate without being negative. their tone, their delivery is horrible. So, this letter is going to help you learn how to take your negative emotions and thoughts and now turn it and reword it into a much more loving positive message. Now, loving positive does not mean you won't say some things that aren't hurtful to them or a hard pill for them to swallow. There's just a difference between lashing out and expressing how you feel. Saying this is how you impacted my life, this is how I perceive things, Rather than you're this, you're that, you're this. That's the first draft. But the second draft is just you're just changing your delivery of the message. So, by the end of it you have fully expressed yourself but in a more calm loving manner. This is going to allow one, it's going to teach you how to be better in your communication.

Interesting.

But also, and this is the part people aren't going to like and I won't go too deep into this part. For those who may have to send it and I would just suggest getting the book to see if they got to send it or not, all right. Because it breaks all of this down. But for those who do have to send it is going to give you a much greater chance of great things to come from that letter. Not that that's the focus of the letter, the focus of the letter is for your healing. So, I don't care if you did send it and they never responded. I don't care if you sent it and they rejected everything you said in it. Because the purpose is your release of all those emotions, all right. And you've got to embrace forgiveness and forgiveness is another piece of this healing puzzle. Forgiving them and forgiving yourself as well. That's the real focus but I have seen amazing things.