BIGGEST Dating Problems: Why 80% Of People CAN'T FIND LOVE! | Stephan Speaks

They don't want to face the issue of I need to learn how to talk to my partner better. I don't want to have to fix my tone. Why do I have to watch what I say? Because that's what an adult does. We can't just think it's okay, especially with our partners, to speak however we want. Because what people are not realizing is.

I think you gotta have a dream.

The School of Greatness. Really? Yeah. Please welcome Lewis Howes.

Biggest question I think a lot of people have right now is why do people have such a hard time these days finding love during these times. Why is it so hard?

Now, when we say during these times are we talking about pandemic times as well?

Or are we talking about everything? Everything, social media, pandemic, millions of options out there, hard to focus on one per all these different challenges.

Now, you know what I want to start with the social media. I used to be someone that said you know what social media is not the problem it's people social media simply exposes the issue which I still believe that. But I have come to a place of seeing how evil social media can be, how much damage it can cause in people's relationships. But not just simply the negativity it pours into people's relationships but the expectations now that it sets in different ways for people. Like, you have men who are forgetting what an average woman looks like because they're looking at IG models all day, all right. You have women forgetting that you know, not every guy has a million dollars and can shower you with a ridiculous amount of gifts. They're seeing this luxury life being lived. Now, of course, everyone doesn't fall for that. But a lot of people are and I do think it's impacting people's ability to appreciate relationships and different levels of what we how we engage with each other compared to what it used to be it's so different now.

And a relationship between a man and a woman, what is the biggest problem that you see today that women face that are holding them back from staying in a healthy relationship? And what's the biggest problem that men are faced with and them being happy with their partner? If they're in a relationship?

So, I always talk about healing and I do believe that healing is the number one biggest issue. But I want to take a different angle here. I think that another huge issue that both men and women are facing from women's standpoint is really understanding that men are different in how we think, how we behave, how we're overall wired. And the same thing goes for women, I mean for men. So, essentially men lacking an understanding of the emotional state or the emotional side of women and not knowing how to tap into that or navigate through that. Whereas she also struggles with trying to navigate through his logical side and how he goes about things and that disconnect because both sides are expecting the other to understand them where they are, all right. And they're not trying to understand the other person. And so, we get caught up in our own feelings, our own perceptions of things and that creates this huge fight, this huge battle rather than really learning how the other side operates.

This is going to be an oversimplified question or response that you have because each person is unique. But I want you to fill in the blank If a woman understood X about a man, they would be happy in their relationship.

The simplicity of a man, they would be happy.

If a woman understood the simplicity of a man, they would be happy in their relationship. They would have less stress, they would have less arguments, they would have less pain, suffering. What does it mean to be the simplicity of a man?

So, there's a few things. One, a lot of women overthinking, overanalyzing their relationships. And so, a simple example I gave in one of my videos is like, let's say a guy says she said ask the man what do you want for your birthday? And he says listen, let's just watch a movie together, have some pizza, drink some liquor, I'm good. Have some sex that's all I need for the night. And the woman thinks let me get him a wallet. He's like no, I didn't ask for that. Exactly. It's so simple he's telling you exactly what he wants. The words coming out of his mouth is what he means. The problem is so many women have been conditioned to dealing with liars and manipulators. Dealing with men who are playing games that when they are with a good man who's being forthcoming and honest they don't know how to take that. And also because women are very... They're in the details, all right. So, they are going to see what you need they're going to analyze and say okay, I can get this for him. They're more thoughtful in their approach they go deeper which is why they become so frustrated with us because we don't. When we don't understand that when they said I'm okay that they really weren't okay that bothers them. When they told us we don't want anything for Valentine's Day but they really wanted something and we didn't get that that bothers them because it's like why aren't we looking deeper? Why aren't we learning them and being more in tune with them because that's how they are with us. And so again, it's a disconnect of we operate very differently but if they would just understand we're very simple. And the man who wants to be with you, who wants to love you is being very plain and clear. If you would just honor and accept that it would make things so much easier.

And if a man knew X about a woman they would have a happy life.

I'm, what's the right word? It really goes back to understands that her emotions, I'm trying to find the right way to phrase this but it's really understanding the emotional side of the woman. And what I mean by that is again, if you're with a woman let's say you guys are walking down the street and she says I don't feel safe right now, all right. To a man we may analyze the area and say well, there's nothing of danger here what's your problem? You're crazy. No, don't do that. If she says I don't feel safe you have to understand how she feels that's her emotion right now and her emotion is reality to her. She may not be able to explain it it may be something within her, within her spirit But as men we make a mistake of dismissing it because it doesn't line up with our logic. And now it's you're crazy, you're this, you're that rather than no. Try to understand she's feeling like this for a reason. And even if we can't always explain it honor it. Now, the man's concern is well, now she can manipulate you and play you because even when it doesn't make any sense she can say I feel this way. But if you're with a good woman and she's been good to you in every other way, why question that she's playing games now? Give her the benefit of the doubt. So, I think if we would just learn to embrace what her emotions are at the moment we would be able to have more peace. Because again, a lot of fights come from you're trying to force your logic onto her. She's trying to tell you how she feels right now. And it's like this, no, meet her where she's feeling right now. acknowledge that. Say, okay, you know what? I understand it.

Let's handle it from that perspective. Why is it so hard for, let's talk about men in this situation, to acknowledge someone's feelings? When in the man's mind, you might be acting crazy. These feelings are irrational. Why would I acknowledge irrational feelings when there's nothing to be afraid of in this moment? If that's what a man is feeling. How do they get out of that space and say, okay, this is irrational. In my mind, maybe this is seen crazy because I don't feel this personally. How does a man learn to connect on that level so that they feel safe in that moment, even if it is irrational?

So three things. It's going to be awareness. Why did I just lose my train of thought for the second one? Awareness, I'm missing the second one. And then communication at times when things are not chaotic, all right. So, the problem is you can't be trying to have this full deep discussion at this... If you feel like she's being irrational, if you feel like this is not making any sense, now you're trying to have this deeper discussion that maybe she's not ready to have at the moment, all right. She's feeling all over the place who knows what's triggering her right now. Wait till things are calm and now let's revisit what happened the other day.

Don't fix it when it's not when it's chaotic.

Exactly, It's almost like you know, sometimes a woman doesn't want you to fix it she wants you to listen and acknowledge how she feels. And so, we can talk about we can revisit it at a different time but in that time she needs you to embrace where she's at emotionally.

What if the man is just like it doesn't make sense. You're making no sense right now. What you're saying is irrational, maybe it's illogical, it's crazy, none of it makes sense. How do they wrap their heads around the madness of the emotion that is not real to them.

It really is a... This is... Oh, it's about practice. So, that was the second one. Awareness practice, awareness practice communication. So, the practicing of it is just simply understand listen, it doesn't always have to make sense, all right. What does it hurt you in that moment to just be more compassionate and considerate of how she's feeling even if it doesn't line up with your logic right there? You know what I'm saying? And again, we can revisit this and use it as a moment to now learn more about each other. But right now is not the time.

So, tomorrow three days later we can say hey, listen, you know that time when we were walking down the street and you were afraid nothing was around, can we talk about that?

Exactly, exactly. And now we can gain better understanding because at that moment it may be easier for her to articulate it. But in the moment of her emotions running all over the place it's going to be hard for her to get it out clearly. Not because she's trying to be difficult it's just she's feeling all over the place it's just hard. It's like think about a child and I'm not trying to reduce women to children but think about a child being in their frantic moment something happening to them and you're saying tell me what's wrong. They can't tell you they're... It's hard for them to say it. But once they're calmed down and at a better place they can.

Absolutely.

So, we just have to be we got to be patient as well. We got to be patient with each other and give grace. we're going to have moments where yeah, it may not make sense but again, overall if you're with a good woman, why act like she must be she's being difficult or evil right now?

You know, there's a lot of good women. Speaking of good women, there's a lot of good women out there that are friends of mine who are single. And they've been single for years. I'm thinking of a few of them specifically in my mind. So, I'm going to speak to these women's archetype 'cause I think there's a lot of women like this out there. They've been single for, they haven't been in a, they've been dating, but they haven't been in a committed long-term relationship for a while. Good women. They make their own money. They're independent, they're kind, they're compassionate, they're loving, they've got their own vision, but they're struggling in finding the right guy who will commit. What do you think is missing from those women? Or is this a timing thing? Maybe it's like, hey, you've been trying this for eight, 10 years and you haven't found someone. Maybe it's still timing, maybe they haven't showed up in your life yet. But if they're going on dates, they're doing these things and they still haven't been able to find a partner that feels like a good match, the right match. What's missing from them or is nothing missing?

It's hard to say because you know, without knowing them individually the issues can vary. You know, I'll tell you what I've seen as common barriers for women. One of the most common and they may not like hearing this but One of the most common is a lacking of being in touch with their feminine side. And that only really plays a huge role depending on the type of man they desire. If they desire a very masculine man, man who has his stuff together, a guy who can be a leader at least has those qualities then not being in your feminine is going to work against you. You're going to come across more difficult you're not going to come across as someone that's peaceful. And again, I think every man, every man who has stuff going on for himself can say what he needs almost most importantly or at least near the top is peace. Every man needs peace.

Oh, man, I've been saying that my.

Whole life, you know?

Peace.

And so, if he does not view you in that way because again, you project more masculine energy, you project more resistance, more of a difficult nature he's not going to... You can be the most beautiful amazing woman it's like... And he may want to sleep with you but he's not going to want to take you serious or marry you. So, that can be one problem. Another thing can be timing you know, it's a lot of times is you... We have to understand everything doesn't happen tomorrow there is a process to this. But in that timing what's important is that you don't drag on with the wrong men. A lot of women reduce their time or reduce their window of opportunity staying with the wrong guys, dating even the wrong guys. So, it doesn't have to be a committed relationship, it could just be you're dating and getting to know each other but you knew after a couple of days that he wasn't it. And yet, you're still letting it continue and what... And even though you're not fully committed in this relationship as an official boyfriend girlfriend, you're emotionally invested. And your ability to now be available to someone else is severely hindered. So, you're not going to be able to meet that great guy or that great guy may come across you here that you're dating this guy and say, I'm not even going to bother with that. And so, that hurts you. So, timing is it but you have to make sure you're leaving yourself available.

Here's a question, do we stay in relationships longer when we haven't fully healed the past?

Hell yes. Absolutely.

I'll probably raise my hand here for pretty much every past relationship where I have known at different levels, like something's not right, something's off. Okay, let's work on it. Let's try to make it work. Still things are off. It's like you have a knowing inside and sometimes you try to force it to make it work. And I'm as one to blame as anyone here. And what I realized is like, oh, I haven't fully healed certain things and it's why I've stayed in the past in relationships much longer than I probably should have. But I was afraid. I was afraid of hurting someone. I was afraid of hurting myself. I was afraid of whatever. And when I started to learn that, like, this is something you talked about over and over, that the healing process is the key process to build a foundation for the potential for a great relationship, for something to flourish.

Yes.

You want to have, you know, the dream is to have a rainforest of an environment in your relationship where things can grow, things can flourish. There's green trees around you, there's waterfalls, not an environment of a desert where things go to die in the relationship. And I don't think we can truly allow things to grow if we don't learn to heal. And that's something that you taught me years ago, and you teach so many people around the world this. But if people don't even think they need to heal something, how do they do it?

They can't. There's no way you can't overcome an obstacle you don't believe exists. Right.

You know, like I'm fine, I got this, nah, I've dealt with this stuff in the past. Like that was me.

Exactly. And so, the problem is most people don't heal until they hit a wall, until something knocks them on their behind and now they have to see things differently and accept the issues that they've been holding on to. But also, I think the problem for a lot of individuals is they're not healed and they're in environments with people who haven't healed either. And now, those unhealed people are going to validate your issues, they're going to validate your unwillingness to face those things.

This is so hard because whatever, guy friends, girlfriends, whoever you are and you lean on people and say this person did this and they validate you and say, Leave them, they're no good for you. You deserve better. You don't deserve that. They shouldn't be doing this, right? They start to validate to be on your side, but they're not healed either if they're coming from that place. Maybe they're correct on certain things, but it's learning how to communicate to your friends in a healthier way probably also.

Well, I think yes, because a lot of people, they tell their friends the bad and they don't always tell them the good. So, the friends have a very skewed perception of the relationship or whatever situation that you're facing. But we also have to be aware enough to understand who we're seeking guidance from. Like, I may speak to my friends because I need to vent at the moment or I want some feedback but I'm fully aware that they are not the end all be all to this that they may be speaking from their own hurt place. I still can filter their perspective through the understanding of They're not... They're not healed enough to give me full proper great guidance, all right. But they might give a perspective that I needed to look at and that's why I will still talk to them because I want to hear different perspectives. I want to make sure I'm not missing any blind spots here, all right. So, it's good to talk to different people but only if you understand how to not just take them as oh, well, my friend said this so this is it. No, your friend may be broken too. and they're going to lead you down an even more broken path.

Exactly. So, the conversations you have with some people, they're not healed and they're not helping you fully because they're validating something that you don't need to hear necessarily. Maybe some of it is right but.

Not all of it. And not to mention it can happen in other ways as far as like, I've seen people where the friend was in a toxic relationship that they were unwilling to leave. So, now when their other friend came to them about their toxic relationship is oh, you know, give them a chance oh, you know, cheating happens in every relationship. They'll come up with all these validations to stay because they can't look themselves in the mirror and tell themselves to walk away. So, how are they going to tell you to do it, all right? Now, some people can do that. Some people can still tell you opposite of what they're going to actually can are willing to do. But a lot of people Consciously or subconsciously are trying to validate how they would handle things or how they have handled things, all right. So, if it's I would leave because someone called me out there and out my name one time then I have to tell you that you got to leave for that reason. I can't tell you to be considerate of well, maybe it was a mistake, maybe this can be fixed. Oh, no, no, no because I drew that line you need to draw that line. A lot of people don't understand how to give that unbiased advice. So, that's why you have to be very careful Absolutely. Going to friends and family.

Healing is, again, a lot of clarity comes through healing. You'll be able to see things differently in a relationship if you are from a healed place. I think a lot of us, myself included, has stayed in relationships longer than necessary because we haven't healed something yet, and that's why we stayed in them.

So.

Would you say that people who have healed and addressed the past, the traumas of the past, the pains of the past, are much quicker to get out of a dating situation when they realize, oh, this isn't for me. Like, I thought it was gonna work out, but I don't need to keep trying for months and years to try to make it work. It's not working, I'm willing to walk away. Would you say people healed are able to do that better?

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Basically, the more healed you become, or when you have become healed, your willingness or ability to tolerate toxic energy is diminished. You don't know how to operate or how to stay in those environments any longer. because now you see things so much clearer. It's almost like if you were to detox your body and start to eat healthy. Now, you go back to eating some fast food and it will destroy your stomach. So, your willingness to eat that bad food is no longer there or at least it's diminished because now your body knows what healthy feels like, all right. So, emotionally once you get to a healthy place and you know what healthy is you can't tolerate dysfunction as much anymore. You can't tolerate someone who does not want to face their issues. You know, it reminds me right now real quick of even when it comes to business or you know what, even when it comes to fitness. A lot of people once they've achieved great success or once they've achieved getting that body they always wanted, they look at those who do not have differently. Before, they may have been in that pool of people that said my circumstances, there's nothing I can do it's too hard. but once you've achieved it and you knew what work it took to get there, now it's like no, you're just unwilling. You don't have enough desire to push past the obstacles to get the results you're looking for. And so again, when you become healthy your willingness to tolerate this person just can't get past their issues it's like no, because I got past mine. I know what it takes, I know what you can get there if you're willing, but so many are not willing.

Let's say you got in a relationship, you got married, you've been committed for a while, and neither of you have healed. But then one of you decides, you know what, this isn't working, I gotta heal the pain from the past. They go on that journey, they get relief, they find peace in their heart, they're not triggered, whatever it is. They've started and have continually been on the healing process. But the other person continues to be in their own traumatic past experiences. What if they're not willing to heal? Would you recommend like, is that where they should be able to work still? Are you able to find ways to say, well, we still love each other and we have a lot of chemistry and connection most of the time. What would you say about that? If the other person's unwilling to heal?

I hate to say this, but I have to be honest. All right, I can never encourage someone to remain in a toxic situation, all right. I do think that we can take an approach that says let's see if we can work this out let's give them a little bit of grace here. And the main thing is can we achieve progress, all right. Rome isn't built in a day and if we've been behaving or we've been tolerating this dysfunction for so many years we can't expect it to be perfect tomorrow. but are you willing to at least start to walk on that path and make progress? Though I don't want to encourage divorce, I don't I cannot feel comfortable telling people to stay trapped in a marriage with someone who doesn't want to face their issues. If you have freed yourself from that you have healed they've got to be willing to make a move. And here's the problem people are afraid to heal. or people are afraid to face the issues that requires them to heal, all right. Because you have to it's like I remember a quote and I'm probably saying it wrong. To heal you have to face the pain or you have to dive into the pain something like that, all right. So, people understand it's painful to go and revisit your past. It's painful to let those emotions you've suppressed all these years come back out. And so, now your fear of healing or facing the process of healing is greater than your fear of losing this person, all right. And they think because you're married to them you're not going anywhere.

You're stuck for life.

Exactly, so for that reason, that's not enough incentive to face their fear of facing their issues. The only thing that may get them to do it is the threat of divorce or is the actual divorce happening. Again, it's not that I wanted to get to that point I hope and pray everyone can avoid that but The reality is some people won't get it together until there's a real consequence on the table and that will be divorce in that situation.

So, okay, let's say someone's like you know what, I feel like I'm good it's never been about me it's been about everyone else it's their problems that why the relationship doesn't work.

Hold on, I got to stop you real quick. Yes, because this is like hitting my spirit I got to say.

Give it to me.

The other thing to consider is that some people will never change they will never heal. And the reality is that the person you're with is the wrong person and the only reason you got with them is because you were broken. Had you not been damaged in the first place you may not be with this individual.

Because you wouldn't have chose someone like this if you were coming from a healed place.

Exactly, and if you were healed you would have been your true self, your true self may not have aligned with this individual. Now, I'm not saying that there aren't circumstances where people still end up with the right person when they were both not healed. I do think that's possible to happen. But a lot of people I would argue the majority when you... Because I always say if you're not healed you are 99% likely to choose the wrong person. So, I do still strongly believe that the majority of people are with the wrong individual and that's marriage, relationship, whatever. because that brokenness, that damage...

Attracted something else that was...

Exactly and allowed you to tolerate it or it allowed you to feel safer in that environment. Here's the thing that people don't realize when you have not healed, if you were to get with a healthy person it would essentially demand of you from the jump to basically heal or step your game up. And again, people are afraid to face their issues. So, to get with another broken person subconsciously it validates me staying broken. It validates me not having to face my issues because now we all have issues, you see. As long as we all have issues I don't have to face mine. But if you have corrected yours how can I validate my own?

Wow, what's your issues?

My issues?

The coach always has an issue somewhere. What's your biggest fear or insecurities around being in a relationship or finding the right person or dating or so, okay.

I'll say fear and I'm being very transparent I've never said this to anyone else, all right?

I know you haven't. Your biggest fear.

My biggest fear has been can I remain focused and fulfilled in the relationship long term past a certain time? Meaning, okay, I have no doubts five years in, ten years in, I'm still good. But when it hits year 15, this is different. And again, it's because of one, I think a lot of people the issue that we have is specifically even with monogamy. Not saying that I'm going to be going out there cheating but I always say the issue with monogamy is that people struggle to maintain monogamy. And we struggle to maintain monogamy because we don't maintain who we fell in love with. All right.

What do you mean by that?

Meaning that person that I brought you and you brought to me that made us feel like this is it. It's different, it's different now. The thing is though, it can be maintained if it's the true you. Problem is a lot of people aren't being their true self on the jump. So, that creates a difference right there. Also, is there a willingness to grow together and that needs communication, that means connection has to be there. A lot of people have not gotten with that person they have a connection with. So, this is where for me there's fear but there's peace in knowing that I do believe if I'm willing to do my part to maintain who she falls in love with, all right. Whoever that woman is when that day happens, I'm willing to do that and that goes spiritually, mentally, physically, I have no problem sticking to the recipe that worked. And I'm confident in one end because I say you know what, I believe in connection. and I believe that that's the missing ingredient. When I look at these relationships that have failed and haven't made it past that 10 year, 15 year mark I do think that the reason is connection was not there in most cases.

So, chemistry was there.

Chemistry may have been there at one point.

Compatibility.

Compatibility based on what they were presenting at one point may have been there but again, was it true compatibility they weren't being their true self and if they had not found their true self yet But connection was not there. And I think a lot of people get with each other based off the hype and that's the reason why I'm such a stickler on okay, I have to make sure I wait for connection because I want to make it past those 15 years. I want to make it for the long haul. I want to be a representation of what I speak about. I want people to look at my relationship and say I don't want it to be that fake relationship that people think is good. It's actually horrible behind closed doors. No, I want us to be be amazing to everyone and inspire them. So, I have to wait for connection and me being a man of God I have to wait for that spiritual guidance that says this is the one that I can pray about this and God tells me she's it. Because you know, there's a lot of beautiful amazing women out there but everyone's not for us. And so, I think it's important to understand who aligns with you especially as a man when you're walking in your purpose. And that's why it's so important for men to their purpose because if you don't know where you're headed in life you don't know who belongs on that path with you. So, you've got to make sure that you know yourself, you know the direction you're walking in and now you can see what woman can align with you and you guys can walk together as a unit and make it something amazing.

What's your definition of chemistry, connection, and compatibility?

All right, so, chemistry to me is the art of getting along flowing with each other, all right. Chemistry can be created, it can be destroyed. Think about it from a team sports perspective, you can put players together and they have to build team chemistry. So, through repetition, through practice they can get to a point of having chemistry. Yes, some people have instant chemistry, all right. But just as it was instant it can also be broken.

Instantly.

Exactly, you know. We can start to not get along and not flow with each other very easily things can get in the way. And again, this happens even in team sports or even in the corporate arena where you have team building exercises but then things happen that destroy the structure of the business.

So, that's chemistry.

That's chemistry.

How important is chemistry?

It is still very important it is not the most important and I say that to mean chemistry has to be in every relationship for it to work and flourish. but it does not set the stage for everything else, all right. Connection sets the stage for everything else. So, basically if you have connection, you will be able to have chemistry and compatibility. But now let's talk about compatibility. I believe compatibility is a very logic based structure of putting two people together. It's also about we're compatible in the sense that we share values, all right. So, again, you can meet someone that you are quote unquote compatible with. You guys share similar values, you guys come from even maybe the same kind of cultures, there could be a lot of things that make you guys compatible on paper.

But what is real compatibility?

Well, to me that is real compatibility so to speak is that yes, you guys on paper are a good fit, all right. And you guys should work. But again, without connection it won't matter. So, I would argue that a lot of marriages let's even talk about arranged marriages. Some of them were built on compatibility. Well, this person came from the right family so, we like this, they have a good job, they have a good education, they would be a good fit here, they share the same values. But when those two people are really alone with each other, it doesn't always hit. Which is why if you go on an online dating site It can match two people together that are compatible on paper.

Interesting.

But in person, it doesn't always play out the same.

Because what is missing?

The chemistry, or more importantly, the connection.

And sometimes we might be tricked. Oh, we feel the spark of chemistry, but you may not have connection. Is that true?

Absolutely. Absolutely.

So you might say, oh, we're compatible on paper, everything. We have the same values. We want the same things for our life and marriage and kids and where family's gonna be, we have compatibility, we have chemistry, there's some type of spark here. I feel like, ooh, there's a little something down here. Yes, we feel it.

And we get along and we know the flow of each other.

It's amazing. But you're saying, if we can't find true connection or if there isn't connection, can connection be created?

No, and so that's the huge distinction to me with connection. Connection cannot be created, nor can it be destroyed. it's either there or it's not.

Wow.

There's nothing you can do to build connection. You can build a stronger bond, you can create a stronger attachment to each other but that still doesn't mean connection is there. And you see this play out in situations where you have people who could meet each other right now have this amazing connection. Something happens where they fall apart, they come back together years later, 10, 20 years later and it's like they never stopped talking. it just falls right back into place. It's connection, it's a deeper thing that's occurring there. To me, connection is your spirit recognizing its match. It is something that is happening beneath the surface, all right. Which is why many people who have felt connection you can't always explain it. Connection does not always line up with the logic of compatibility. It's not always oh, well it makes sense because of this. No, no, no, it's just there. You just feel something with this person, you feel drawn to them it's so much deeper than anything you've ever felt and consider this, you can be compatible with tons of people. You can have chemistry with tons of people, you do not feel connection with a bunch of people. Period, if we were to survey people who have felt a connection in their life you'd be lucky to find many who can say two times.

Wow.

The majority will say it's a one-time occurrence that has happened to them, all right. And being able to have that again it's very difficult. Now, I don't want anyone listening to be discouraged if They did not end up with the person they had a connection with. I'm not saying it's impossible for it to happen a second time, but I will say that if you surveyed people you would have a hard time finding that many people that said it happened twice.

When does someone know it's connection and not chemistry? Because I feel like you might be tricked we have this incredible connection we understand each other, we get each other, I can't explain it. but I feel something. That feeling might be also chemistry at the same time, right?

Yes.

It might be masking.

Yes.

If it's really connection or chemistry, how do you know if it's true connection over man, there's this desire, connection, attraction, all these things happening at once?

One. Can you truly be yourself with this person? Oh, that's big, all right. Because again, a lot of people they go on these dates, they're bringing their representative and the chemistry happens on a surface level with the representatives that both sides are bringing. But when you actually show your true self now what happens? And a lot of people have not done that with their partner or the person that they're getting to know. So, again, you're falling into the hype of the chemistry or the compatibility but you're not discovering true connection being there. So, you've got to be able to be yourself because real connection loves you at the core, all right. You can show me all the parts of you I still want you. All right, number two is can we enjoy each other with no distractions, all right. Again, what people fail to understand and this can happen with chemistry is that we're bonding based off of the activity or the things in our environment. Meaning, all right, we love going out together and we do all these fun stuff and we're doing all these things and that's great. All right, we know how to have fun together. But can we be alone in a room, no TV, no distraction, no phone, just us and still love being with each other? A lot of people can't say that. A lot of people are only able to be in their relationship and tolerate their partner. And I use that word strongly tolerate their partner because they have enough distractions in life. They have kids, they have work, They have all these other things going on.

TV, video games, man caves, whatever it is.

Exactly, all these things that pull them away from their partner that does not allow them to face the fact that no, you really don't like each other at the core, man. And so, that is a huge sign of connection that's why like one thing I suggested in one of my books was go on a road trip. And it's just a random suggestion but go on a road trip for at least six hours, no phone, no distraction just you and them talking. Will you still be happy after those six hours? A lot of people can't make it that far in a car ride with their partner, all right. A lot of people cannot be in a room alone with their partner and nothing else to take their attention. So, you've got to really push those boundaries to see what do we really have here if this is really going to be called a connection.

Right, and your fear is are you able to grow together after 10, 15 years? Is that one of the main things?

So, it's It's hard to... You know, you never can look that far ahead, you know. And we don't know what's in store.

May not be here tomorrow.

Exactly, it's a concern of can we still give that same energy? And it's both sides because again, I'm not saying I'm not perfect. So, even though I'm confident that I could do it what if there's something that throws me off, you know? It's just that yes, as time goes on there's that test of really putting your best foot and bringing that same energy that you brought in the beginning. Now, again, I think I'm holding myself to a higher standard that I think most people do because I think that a lot of people's mentality is well, things change, things are going to be different, it's okay. So, what you don't go out as much anymore. People think like this but they don't realize that's why your relationship is deteriorating. I don't want a deteriorated relationship. So, when I think about yes, can I be with someone past 10, 15 years? If I accept a level of mediocrity of course. But we don't want that. Exactly, I'm saying can we maintain excellence after these 10-15 years?

Fulfillment.

Exactly. Peace, happiness, all these things because to me what is the point of being here if we don't have it if we're not operating at our highest level?

What about the saying that I hear whether this is a meme or this is women saying this online Maybe you know the line better than me. If he can't accept me at my worst, he doesn't deserve me at my best.

I hate that line. I absolutely hate it. And I hate it because it has turned into validation for not addressing your flaws and issues, all right. I agree with it from the standpoint of You've got to be able to handle your partner's worst moments, all right. Because we're going to all have moments, we're going to all fall, we're all going to make a mistake, it's going to happen. Over time, that's just the way it is. But when you are essentially trying to say I have a horrible flaw and you should accept it even when I want to consistently make you deal with it. No, that's not going to work for me. I can't accept that. that's not okay. And so, a lot of people that's.

What they're turning it into. That's you not taking accountability and responsibility for growth. Exactly. Going back to okay, this is where I'm at I don't want to address it you just have to accept it.

And or don't be with me. Exactly, you know it reminds me of like once upon a... I don't know if they still say it but I know at one time people would say arguing is healthy for a relationship, all right.

I disagree. I don't know if I agree I understand that Yeah, I just don't like that.

No, at all.

Can you communicate with... We don't agree on this, but do you have to argue?

Exactly, that's my thing. Disagreement is acceptable disrespect is not, all right.

So, say it one more time.

Disagreement is acceptable disrespect is not, all right. So, my thing is yes, it's okay and even healthy to have disagreements because we have different perspectives we can bounce ideas off each other, we simply have to know how to navigate that and come to an official decision on things when we have those moments. But arguing, arguing says we are being disrespectful, whether our tone is negative, the words that we're using you know, we're getting loud, we're getting angry, we're basically throwing negative energy at our partner. That's not healthy, there's nothing healthy about that. But A lot of people will say that because they want to validate the unhealthiness in their relationship. They don't want to face the issue of I need to learn how to talk to my partner better. I don't want to have to fix my tone. Why do I have to watch what I say? Because that's what an adult does. Wow, all right grow up, you know. Like, I'm sorry to anyone listening to this but that's just real. We can't just think it's okay especially with our partners to speak however we want to throw all kinds of insults, to be disrespectful and think this is okay. Because what people are not realizing is all it takes is that one really bad argument to plant a seed of negativity that now grows into something worse in the relationship. A lot of people's issues are not the issue that they're facing in that current moment. It's the culmination of all kinds of things before then. It's the buildup from that last time you disrespected me or made me feel some kind of way and ever since then I've resented you. And now in this resentment I've given you an attitude. You didn't know what the attitude was about because I didn't communicate clearly. Now, you're giving me attitude and now you see how it turns into other things. Now, that attitude turns into not having sex with each other. That attitude turns into okay, the way that we talk to each other in general. Maybe becoming secretive because now we don't feel like dealing with each other anymore. and what you don't realize is it started from disrespectful arguing, all right. It can also start from some other stuff, all right. But arguing is a huge problem for a lot of people and we can't just keep sweeping under the rug. So, going back to your point about the whole take me at my worst, yes, worst moment. We can't have a moment.

Always like this and once in a while a good attitude.

Exactly, consistent negative behavior has to be addressed and corrected.

So arguments are disrespect, but disagreements is okay, is that what you said?

Yes, the disagreement is acceptable, disrespect is not.

Yes, so you can always disagree and you can agree to disagree. Yeah. Or you can, is that right? Agree to disagree.

Yeah, agree to disagree.

But what I'm hearing you say is that arguing, saying what's on your mind.

In an angry, Exactly.

Aggressive way tearing down a partner is never going to do anything good for someone.

Exactly, people have to understand whenever someone feels attacked they will defend themselves. Even if they know they're wrong, even if the point you're making is actually solid the way you're coming at them negates their ability to receive it. That's why even me as a speaker my focus has been do I want to be heard or do I want people to receive my message, all right. If I want to be heard I can speak however I want, I can be blatant with the insults, I can cut people down, I can just make jokes of everybody's situation because it's entertainment. I just want to be heard. But no, I want people to receive it and if I want people to receive it I have to be more considerate, more compassionate, I have to check my tone, I have to be careful with my words. And that's why if people watch my videos they'll see I try to be very careful with my words because I want you to receive what I'm saying. So, if we're in a relationship we have to take that approach. If you want them to hear you be mindful of how you're talking to them.

Why is it so hard for people?

Because again, they don't want to face the... Or they don't want to do the work of correction, all right. And the work of correction can entail the healing and again, facing those issues. It's also conditioning if people have been brought up in households and environments where this is how they talk to each other It's very hard to change that, yeah. It's foreign to now speak in a more loving and positive way. It's foreign to sit and be quiet and listen, all right. So, now they have to reprogram themselves and that's a lot of work. And I think also the acceptance of the way you're communicating is wrong. People don't like to face that they were wrong. They don't want to have to accept that so it's no, I have to dig an even deeper hole and stick with this whole negative approach of how I do things because no, there's nothing wrong with this or I see other people do it but you know, they're fine. No, they're not fine. They're not okay, you know. So, I think those reasons that just overall they don't want to have to do the work and so, they rather make excuses for it.

So, it sounds like again, we go back to step one, healing. If you can learn to heal you can start to improve the quality of your choices, dating someone in a relationship or getting out quicker. You can be a more effective communicator in relationships, whether you're dating or in a long-term committed relationship. You can have a better relationship overall with yourself when you heal and with someone else. So can you give me a breakdown, a bootcamp 101 on how to recognize what you need to heal and then how to start healing that. What does that look like for someone? Okay, I need to heal, Siphon. What do you mean by that? How do I do it? How do I get started? How long does it take to get healed? Okay. Is this a lifelong journey?

Is this overnight? What does it look like? All right, so first thing, how long does it take to heal? It's gonna take as long as you're willing to put in the work. Healing is not a time thing, it's a work thing. So, when you hear people say time heals all wounds, no, it doesn't. Time alone doesn't heal a damn thing. All right, it can help it does aid in the process but by itself it is no good. You have to take certain steps. So, when people think well, I'm going to take a year off from relationships to heal, why a year? And if you're not doing the work in that year that year means nothing. And that's what happens to a lot of people they took a year off but what they did was they hid from the world, they hid from relationships, they went in their corner, all right. attracted themselves but they never healed. Now, they come back out of that year and they're still the same person.

Or maybe they're not the same... Maybe the first few months of dating they're a little different but then they fall back into the same.

Exactly, because they never resolve things at its core. Now, in terms of recognizing what to heal my first step is called the who Hurt Me List, all right. So, you get a piece of paper you write down a piece of paper who hurt me. And now, every person who comes to mind you write them down on the piece of paper. It doesn't matter how long ago it happened, doesn't matter if you think you've moved past it, if you think it's not relevant, if they come to mind then there's some level of relevance there. Put them on the paper in about a sentence or two of what they did to hurt you, all right. This is how we're going to start to locate what you've been holding on to. But you really got to go into this exercise very genuine. you can't be trying to control the narrative. You just got to let yourself feel just ask yourself the question, close your eyes, let it come out.

What's the question they should ask? Who hurt me? Who hurt me?

That's it.

Who hurt me? That's it. And what if they're like, I can only think of like three people that really hurt me. Should they be thinking of like every instant they can think of from childhood of that one comment or should this be this person punched me in the face?

Anybody who comes to mind. So, I don't want them to force it but I don't want them to under other minded in any kind of way either. Just whoever comes to mind put them on the paper. Because even if there's a situation where you forgot somebody, if we tackle the big one you're not going to be able to escape the big ones. The big ones are going to come out, they're going to come to mind. If we can tackle those then that might set the stage where everything else gets taken care of naturally, all right. Because now your awareness is going to be there and your level of healing will allow you to see things differently.

Because really the big ones might be the ones that cause the most pain. And if you heal that, the other ones are just a pattern of the pain.

Exactly. And you will also start to perceive those situations differently once you heal from the bigger ones.

Okay, that's step one. Take a piece of paper, write it out. How long should this take? A few minutes, a few hours, depending.

Depending on the person, because for some people it's gonna get heavy. It's gonna get heavy and that might cause them to wanna pause and take a step back. But I would encourage them, do not walk away from it completely. stick to it but it can be as quick as a few minutes maybe it takes an hour because they may get emotional in the process but just don't run from it. But just do it don't even worry about the time just do it.

Okay, step one, step two.

Step two, so step two I'm going to lay this out. I usually don't lay it out but you know what I feel like I got to do it today. I got to do it today. So, step two is you got to get things off our chest, all right. Okay, and this is where we do the letter writing process. So, there's two parts to letter or two drafts. The first draft is the most important. This is where we're going to have essentially an emotional detox. We got to get everything out. So, let's say on the list is your mother. I always bring up mothers because so many people have mommy issues but the world only wants to talk about daddy issues, all right. And the society has made it to where it's almost wrong for you to tell a woman she was a bad mother or to criticize your mother. So, we suppress that a lot more than we do our fathers. That's interesting, you know. So, let's say it's your mother and you're going to do the first draft. And in that first draft you're just going to let all your raw emotion out. I don't care if you curse her out, I don't care if you wish death on her, I don't care what nasty evil thing you say. However you feel let it come out. You've got to let the anger, the hurt, all pour out of you into this letter. If you don't know how to start the letter, start it with the most damning thing you could say, all right. I hate you because boom, and then just go from there. It's going to start coming out. Once you uncork that screw, that's it, exactly. And this is where it gets heavier. A lot of people may take a lot more pauses in this process, all right. Because again, so many people have been suppressing this for so long. And again, it's like any other detox when you start to detox, the bad stuff has to come out first, all right. And you can't get to a healed place unless you flush out all the negative energy. So, this is why it's important. This is not the draft to be politically correct to try to frame things in the right way. I don't want you to be considerate, I don't want you to think about well, I did some wrong things too. Forget all that. This first draft is let it rip, let it rip, let it out. And I guarantee you by just doing that first draft you're going to feel better. You're going to feel a weight come off your shoulders you're going to feel more peace to you.

Great, that's the draft one. Draft two. Draft two.

So, draft two is essentially now I always tell people all right, you finish draft one, pray, meditate, whatever you got to do just get to a kind of level place mentally, calm, and now read the letter to yourself as if you were them. Oh, okay. And now, so put yourself in their shoes and anything that now comes off as attacking, condescending, blatantly insulting, you're going to change it. You're not changing the message, you're just changing your delivery of the message, all right. And the importance behind this is twofold. One, we talked about it earlier people don't know how to communicate without being negative. their tone, their delivery is horrible. So, this letter is going to help you learn how to take your negative emotions and thoughts and now turn it and reword it into a much more loving positive message. Now, loving positive does not mean you won't say some things that aren't hurtful to them or a hard pill for them to swallow. There's just a difference between lashing out and expressing how you feel. Saying this is how you impacted my life, this is how I perceive things, Rather than you're this, you're that, you're this, that's the first draft. But the second draft is just you're just changing your delivery of the message. So, by the end of it you have fully expressed yourself but in a more calm loving manner. This is going to allow one, it's going to teach you how to be better in your communication.

Interesting.

But also, and this is the part people aren't going to like and I won't go too deep into this part. For those who may have to send it and I would just suggest getting the book to see if they got to send it or not, all right. because it breaks all of this down. But for those who do have to send it, it's going to give you a much greater chance of great things to come from that letter. Not that that's the focus of the letter, the focus of the letter is for your healing. So, I don't care if you did send it and they never responded. I don't care if you sent it and they rejected everything you said in it. Because the purpose is your release of all those emotions, all right. And you've got to embrace forgiveness and forgiveness is another piece of this healing puzzle. forgiving them and forgiving yourself as well. That's the real focus. But I have seen amazing things happen because of these letters. Really? Yes. And people receiving them.

Yes, I've seen...

So, these are not letters that you.

Send out that say you're horrible, you ruined my life. That's not draft one. You're sending out draft two which is more of a place of this is how this scenario impacted me.

Yeah, this is how I feel.

It's more of a responsibility as well how it made me feel. feel is that I'm hearing you say.

Absolutely, yeah. Because it's very different to accuse someone and attack someone versus saying but this.

Is how I received it.

Right, whether you're right or wrong. Exactly, because also understand this hurt people hurt people. And some people might reject that because they say well, I'm hurt and I never hurt nobody that's a lie. Whether you realize it or not you have hurt people. One example I'll give that comes to mind let's say you're a woman or a man and you were hurt in your last relationship and now you've become guarded. Now, to you, you're still operating as a loving human being but what you don't realize is your guardedness is still hurting either the potential partner or someone that you do get with. Because you're unwilling to give them your whole heart, all right. So, you still have a lot of...

You're not attacking them, maybe you're not punching them or cheating on them but you're holding back.

Exactly. and you're still undermining the relationship. So, you're still hurting them and you're hurting yourself because you're not allowing yourself to experience the full greatness of it. Because you won't fully dive in because you're scared and you're guarded and that has to be fixed. But going back to the original point I want to make is in that same mold the hurt person does not always realize how much they're hurting you. We have to understand that damaged individuals are operating from a very selfish mindset. It's I'm protecting myself. Think about the person who is overly critical of everyone else. They're always criticizing, criticizing, criticizing. They're not doing it because their intention is to hurt others. They're doing it because they want to keep the spotlight off of them and to protect themselves from criticism. So, I'm going to hit you before you hit me. Dang, All right, so again, a lot of our parents the things that they did they did not understand. And even if they had some semblance of an idea they're so caught up in their own feelings they're blinded by it. So, a lot of times this letter basically takes the blinders off when you do it in that loving manner because like I said earlier, do you want to be heard or do you want them to receive the message? The yelling, the screaming, the lashing out they heard that because you may have done that with them in the past but they never received you in that moment. moment. Now, expressing yourself in a calm loving manner they can't help but receive you and even those who reject what you're saying trust me, it has hit them in a way nothing else has. And I've seen situations where the offender has broken down in tears after realizing how bad they were being. But they never connected with that previously because their emotions, their feelings blinded them from that. It's a lot, man.

First two steps sound like a pretty deep work.

It is, it is absolutely deep work but it's necessary work. I mean listen, no one says healing is easy but it's necessary and it's absolutely worth it and it's a game changer. Like, I just don't think people understand how much better your life will be. And you know what, let's take a moment to say this isn't even about your emotional relationship life. it's about your overall quality of life. A lot of people's illnesses are from a lack of emotional health, all right.

That's true.

And what we have to understand is a suppression of feelings, a lack of healing creates emotional stress. Stress is now the number... It's not now, it's always been the number one inducer of disease. It is the number one trigger that sets everything else wrong in your body, all right. If you cure stress you cured the body. A lot of things it changes after that. So, your overall health, your overall quality of life is dependent on you healing and releasing that negative energy. So, it's so much bigger than just a relationship.

Overall quality of life, not just in that one relationship but every relationship.

Every relationship, every aspect of life.

So, do you write a letter for the 30 people that were on that who Hurt yout List? Or is it more okay, pick like the three or two or three big people in your life that you really were affected by start with those letters and then keep going.

Start with those letters and what I have seen in all my years of doing this is that and you're not...

Sometimes you don't send it to the person also, right?

There's going to be some circumstances where you wouldn't send it. Majority of the times I would encourage sending it, all right. Now, again, I tell people if you're a believer pray about it as well. Because to me, God gives you the ultimate answer in that. But I do believe that the vast majority of situations the letter needs to be sent, all right. But again, there are some caveats there, there are some differences. And you had asked what again?

Do you send a letter to everyone on the hurt list?

So, yes. What I have seen from most people is that once you knock off the big ones first three, four, or five people. You don't need to write a letter to everybody else. because again, you see things differently now. So, now think about it like this, your hurt or how you took offense to something, you now see it differently after you resolve those other ones. Now, you realize it wasn't even about you in those situations. Again, hurt people hurt people, they're just projecting negativity onto you. It wasn't even about you they just took it out on you. And now when you now start to not internalize people's actions it frees you in a way that you were never freed before, you know. And that's why it's so important that we have to learn not to take things personally because we don't know where that person's actions and negativity is really coming from. A lot of times most of the times it's not even about us, it goes way deeper than that. And if we learn not to take it personally and not to internalize it, we can navigate the situation so much better. Because what's happening is you allow them to trigger you Now you get into a negative space, now you fight fire with fire and the fire gets worse.

That's been me most of my life. Most of my previous relationships, that's how I showed up, which was, I'm doing to defend myself. You're attacking me for something, whether it's true or not, I'm gonna defend myself and I'm gonna fight back. What happens when we do that with our partner?

We just make it a battle. We set the stage for more battling. And here's the worst part about it, we not just battle in that moment. That battle usually turns into saying something we regret, doing something that we you know, we didn't realize we did. Now, they hold on to that. So, now they take that one small thing from that battle. For years, exactly that creates more battles. So, you don't win. You don't win trying to fight fire with fire.

So, what should you do if someone's fighting you with fire, how should you respond?

You throw water on them. Okay?

A bucket of water.

And that water is love, patience, grace. And if they don't honor that you let them go. Unfortunately, listen, if we're in a relationship whether that be family or romantic And we're dictating to them that listen, the way we do things here is we have calm conversation, we be respectful towards each other, you know, we don't take this to a negative place and they cannot honor that then you stop engaging with them.

What if someone says you know what, don't try to tell me how to act and how to feel it's okay to feel angry it's okay to react at times it's natural to let yourself feel these things these are human emotions. and it's okay to argue every now and then don't try to tell me what to do.

Again, a moment. So, if I'm in a relationship and we've set the standard of healthy communication and my partner has a moment where she starts to yell and go crazy or whatever, right. And I recognize this is a moment. I might let that slide and when I say let it slide, I don't mean not acknowledge the issue. I simply mean okay, let her get it out let her vent, all right. Now, once it's done remind her that listen, we're not doing that like that happened that was a moment we don't make that a consistent pattern, all right. So, we keep that there I let you have that moment but we don't get to keep doing that because that's unhealthy and if you feel like well, everyone should be able to just let... No, that's not how we do things here. Listen, everyone has to set the standard of what is acceptable in their relationship or acceptable in engaging with anyone. And again, this isn't just romantic relationship. My family knows, I don't argue. I don't argue with nobody.

Yeah, they disagree.

I disagree, but we're not arguing. What's the difference between disagreeing and arguing? Again, disagreeing is simply respectfully calmly and when I say calmly we can get passionate. But we don't get disrespectful, we don't get negative or toxic and we simply.

State our opposing beliefs.

You don't have an attitude that you're wrong and bad, how could you think things that. Exactly, now again, that takes a lot of practice. It takes a lot of work depending on how you've grown up and what you've engaged in but that has to be the goal. The goal and it's not so hard if we just practice and stick to practicing it. Like, we can't just keep making excuses for being all over the place and acting out of character. No, we have to set a certain standard and we have to adhere to that standard, all right. And if you can't okay, then we can't keep talking. And the story, like I'm not going to entertain like even in social media if someone leaves a negative comment I'm not answering that for what? I can recognize who are the people that just want to go back and forth with you. I'm not going to do that, I'm not arguing with you. I will state my case you either take it or you don't. That's it, speak your truth and leave it at that.

What would be let's say okay, I did step one I wrote the list I started writing letters I sent some of these letters out but I'm still not I'm still feeling triggered, I'm still don't feel healed. Is there more steps to... Yes. Healing 101 or is it just now is it time?

No, so the other part I mentioned earlier was forgiveness, all right. And forgiveness is a huge part but what people have to understand with forgiveness is forgiveness isn't a snap of the finger thing, all right. Meaning, you could do all of this, you can say I forgive them, I'm good, I'm moving forward. and like you said, two, three weeks later something happens and you're triggered.

You got to keep forgiving.

Exactly, for all of us. In that moment you have to stop yourself. See, the mistake we make is that when we get triggered we allow ourselves to dive into it. We dwell in that moment and so now, you're staying in that negative place. What you have to do is recognize the moment say no, I forgave them, what's done is done, I'm moving forward and that's it. keep practicing it. And as you practicing it, you'll notice you're triggered less. You'll notice it's affecting you less. Now, you'll get to a point where it doesn't bother you at all, you're not fazed by it. So, it's a reprogramming of the brain to say, you know what, this is not, this doesn't matter anymore, it's done, it's in the past. But it's not just forgiving them, it's forgiving ourselves. And that's a big hurdle for a lot of people. There are people listening to this who will be able to say, I forgave that person, but you're still beating yourself up. You're still holding the mistake over your own head, whatever that is. And you have to learn that we all make mistakes, we all fall short, learn from them, grow, move forward. Do not dwell on them. And so, it's the same thing. Every time you find yourself beating yourself up, no, I forgive myself, I'm done, what's done is done, I'm moving forward, that's it. You keep saying it to yourself, you will get to a place where it doesn't bother you anymore.

Is it harder to forgive someone that did something horrible to you or is it harder to forgive yourself?

It depends on what they did. I think you know that's going to vary from situation to situation. But I will say if I had to lean towards one I would say forgiving ourselves is harder.

Why is it harder?

Because we live with ourselves.

We live with ourselves.

Yes, You see like that person can do that one thing and it can be very hurtful. But we may not see them again, we may not face a circumstance like that again. There may be buffers in our life that allows us to detach from what happened. But when we make our mistake we have to live with that, we have to face ourselves in the mirror. And then there may be other mistakes we make that pile onto that. See, that person may have one offense that we have to forgive them for. But we can end up having several offenses against ourselves. And now, it becomes a harder journey for a lot of people to just accept that we're all flawed and we're all going to fall short. I'll keep saying that none of us get it perfect. None of us has never made a mistake. And you know how they say even in business everyone who's successful has failed. And so, in life it's the same thing. Anyone who's successful at life has made mistakes. you're either going to learn from them or you're going to dwell on them. And too many people are dwelling in their mistakes.

Is there anything in your life you haven't healed yet?

You ready to feel the fire of the day? I'm not going to get too deep into it but I will say that I've done the letter before. All right, so, I've done this whole process.

Sometimes you need to write multiple letters to the same person.

No, so, the person I did it.

For.

I did all the big ones, so to speak. But there was a small one with a family member that I didn't realize was a problem till years after. Because to me at the time I kind of brushed it under the rug, it's whatever, no big deal. Now, I will say this now I'm not trying to make excuses. The issue I don't believe has any detrimental impact on my relationships, all right. Because I do believe there...

There's some there.

You're right, you're right, you're right. I'm not listening, I'm going to handle it. It's going to be written.

When? By when?

By next week. By next week.

What day?

Give me till... You know what?

Why not write it on your flight home? Write it on your flight home.

You know what? I'll do it today. Let's go, Amy. I like that. I'll do it today. Okay.

I got time with the whole team. You'll write the letter you need to write. Yes.

And then is this a letter you send to this person?

Yeah, that one will be sent. Absolutely. Interesting. Now, do you do a two-step, two-step process there where you write or a.

Two-Draft process where you write? Yeah, I would still do it. And then I truly believe in all those steps. And I believe that we should not skip any of them because skipping them can really throw things off, all right. Because again, you don't want to say well, I'm not really that mad so I don't need draft one, right. But then for all you know you've been suppressing more anger than you realize.

Just say I hate you because...

Exactly.

Started with that and let it rip.

Yes.

And if nothing really comes great but allow yourself to go as crazy as you want Exactly.

So, I would not skip a step and I would encourage everyone, if you do this process, do not skip steps. Don't remix steps. I've seen some people say, well, I didn't do a letter, I sent a text. No, it doesn't work. Exactly, it's not the same thing. You can't send a text, you can't do one draft, you don't skip things.

Do the whole thing. Why does writing a letter, why is that more powerful than typing or texting.

Or voice messaging a letter? So, because voice message, text, typing is not bad, all right.

You can type a letter.

Type or writing is fine, yes. But text and voice message is bad because inherently and subconsciously, those are quick hitting ways of expressing ourselves, all right. We don't do a voice message to leave a 10-15 minute message, all right. We typically do it for one minute, two minute, three... It can be longer at times, but there's this thing in us that doesn't allow us to really draw it all the way out. Because if what you're feeling needs to be a 30 page long letter, you're not going to do a 30 page worth voice memo, chances are. Unless you wrote it first and then you expressed it through a voice recording. Or what you can do is you could record yourself. All right, let it all out in recording and then re-record the second draft. So, you can do it by voice recording, but when it's a text voice memo and all that kind of stuff or text messages because again, texts are condensed ways of expressing ourselves. They're not made for long expressions. So, even if you say, well, I can... No, it's just not going to work the same. And it's very easy for you to feel like, well, typing all of that and if you got to go back to type more and it's going to spread over to like 10, 20 texts, most people aren't going to do that. They're going to try to make it shorter. So, no, do the letter but the alternative voice recording is an acceptable method.

Wow, okay. So, we've talked about... So, that's the thing you still need to heal, still work on yourself personally is writing that letter.

Yeah. And I will say this because I want it to be understood that I do believe there's some level of blockage because of it. So, even though I said I don't think it had... I don't believe and I'm pretty confident in saying it doesn't have... Yeah, it's always a mic, you're right, it's always possible. But I guess from my evaluation, I don't see it pouring into any of my... And into a romantic relationship. But... And let me say this not directly, but indirectly. So, what I mean by that is Sometimes the things that we're holding on to and this is just maybe a random example. But let's say the weight of these things causes you to fall into depression at times, all right. So, even though you may not see it as I'm directly going to be negative towards my partner, you falling into depression impacts the relationship.

It's still you being a hurt person.

Exactly, and they have to deal with that. So, it can always indirectly impact our relationships and that's why it's important for us to not sweep it under the rug. And so, that's why I'm completely committed to doing it and I was planning on doing it because I know that I don't want to leave any stone unturned, you know what I'm saying?

How long you been thinking about this?

Since the beginning of the year.

Since the beginning of the year. The time now, now's the time.

It dawned on me in the beginning of the year I was like, you know what? I think I got to do this. But then I had went like I had went somewhere and then it you know, life and you just keep sleeping on the rock and that's the mistake that's the problem that we have. We let life get the best of us and we get busy and we get distracted. And again, doing these exercises isn't easy all the time, but we've got to commit to it and we've got to commit to understanding we want the best for ourselves, for our life, for our relationships, we've got to cover all the bases when it comes to healing.

Let's say someone's single and there are meeting different people to date, right? And they don't want to, well, maybe this is something they should do. What would be three questions they should ask to know if they have the right connection with someone? Seeing as you said connection is something that you can't create, you either have it or you don't. What are three questions to ask that person in the first hour of meeting them if you think you have connection?

I don't even think it's questions to ask. I'll give you three things they should do, all right. Three things. Number one, be your authentic self, all right. So, no representative, no game playing, no trying to maneuver this because you really like this person and want them... No, just be yourself. and either they're going to like you and love you for who you are or they're not.

All right. What does that mean like say everything that's on your mind be as like quirky as you want to be unfiltered.

If that's who you are, yes. If that's who you are so, if.

You'Re a so, don't be on your best behavior of like okay, I'm going to let this slide and this slide.

So, let me give you a perfect example. Let's say for a woman she's dating a guy and she views this guy as very conservative, all right. So, she thinks she has to come and be an angel on this thing, be a good girl, all right. But lo and behold, she's a little scandalous, she's a little out there, all right. But what she doesn't realize is he likes that. He actually wants the side of her she's not showing, all right. But she's projecting what she thinks that she needs to bring to the table because of who she thinks he is. But she doesn't know the full real him so, a lot of people don't even realize they're shooting themselves in the foot because you're doing who you... You're being what you think you should be rather than just be yourself. And if they are... If they're connecting with that great, if they don't so be it. Let's not play any games with each other. So, again, if you're quirky be quirky. If you're a very affectionate person be affectionate. Granted, there can be boundaries drawn so that we don't make any confusion as to sending the wrong message. But don't hinder being your true self because that only throws things off.

Okay.

Second thing is be very honest and transparent, all right. So, it's one thing to be yourself but sometimes when the conversation goes into certain areas we don't want to be open and honest about what we're thinking or how we feel. Let's say for example, not that people should be need to be talking about politics on the first date. But let's just say they ask you about politics, right?

Say how you feel.

Yes, because what purpose does it serve for you to try to dodge it to then find out later that you guys don't get together. Perfect example, I had a client one time who met this guy she felt there was a connection there she felt like this was it, right. And they had some other issues but one of the sticking issues they had was he was a Trump supporter she was not, okay. Now, I said listen, so you're telling me that you guys may not get together over a man who will only be president for X amount of years, okay? But your relationship can span way past that. Now, I understand for people it goes deeper than that.

His values or something like that.

Exactly, but the point is if he would have... If he swept it under the rug and tried to just avoid the political...

His political... To get you to like him.

Exactly, only for it to come out later and destroy everything you only delayed the inevitable. I'd rather know that we're not on the same page from day one than to wait into year one or year two. That makes no sense, all right. And again, to me, if there's a true connection, we're either going to have the same values or we're going to be able to work through them. Because connection does not mean that everything is going to be in perfect alignment as far as how we see things. but we will be able to embrace each other's differences. That difference wouldn't make us want to walk away from each other, all right. So, again, be yourself and answer things openly and transparently so we're not leaving any mystery here or playing any games.

Yeah, and then the third thing.

The third thing is just be aware and to me, what I mean by that is and I'm going to use men right now because I do feel like as men we'll meet a woman and again, she might be awesome, be great. And a lot of times we know deep inside something's not there, she's just not the one. But we really like her or we really like aspects about her so we want to hold on to this. So, you're allowing this desire to blind you and not allow you to be aware of the fact that no, you know she's not it. And accept that, accept that and walk away, end it because there's no point in dragging this on. At the very least if you want to continue it then be honest about this ain't going anywhere. And if we want to have fun, if you want to have fun with each other that's two adults making their own decision. But don't continue on under the guise of I'm looking for a serious relationship with this woman when I know deep inside she's not the one for me, all right. And the same thing happens with women it's like yo, just be aware because I would tell you everyone that I've spoken to about connection and has expressed that they've experienced this it was pretty much an instant thing. It wasn't an overtime thing. So, as long as you're aware.

That's why you hear some people are like we got married in like three months. Yes, because we just knew like something was connected.

Exactly, and what I hate that's happening in society now is love bombing, all right. So, love bombing is a hot topic and I one day want to do a video on it. But people view these fast moving relationships as oh, it's love bombing oh, it's toxic and it's like that's not every situation. And I think one of the most important things to understand about love bombing is love bombing is a one-way action. Meaning, it's one person trying to overwhelm you with all this love to get you to buy into it and move forward. Connection is a two-way experience. When two people are feeling this draw to each other, both feeling into each other that's real. you shouldn't run from that and you shouldn't say oh, it's happening too fast. I would argue real love, real connection is fast. That over time stuff is you're learning to tolerate each other, you're becoming attached to each other, you're becoming conditioned to each other's presence. It's not actual real love or connection, you know what I'm saying? And so, we've been... People have been brainwashed in my opinion. I just think and again, if you really sit down and examine these situations you will see the huge differences. I remember one time I had an Uber driver he said he met his wife the first time he met her they went on a date he knew she was the one. They've been married 65 years.

Wow.

Happy as hell. He said he would never leave like, they're still affectionate, they're still loving. Maybe it was 55 years either way it was a long time, wow, all right. And he's like yeah, he's like he was telling me how he doesn't understand how this world works now it's just crazy to him and and all these things, it didn't take him forever to want to marry his wife.

Of the people that you think are in a relationship for over a year, your estimate, what percentage of them are really happy and have true connection? The people in a relationship for over a year, what's the percent of people that you think, let's say in America, that have true connection and are not just in it because of chemistry or maybe this compatibility or desire for the first year or there's some whatever.

The number that's coming to me is 20%. Wow. And I might be being generous.

Wow.

I would argue the vast majority even past a year are not truly happy and there's not a true connection.

So you're telling me you believe that 80% of people that are in a relationship don't have real connection.

Yeah.

The why, okay, here's one. One, why do people stay in relationships if they don't have connection? And two, if that many people are with the wrong people, if they all broke up, could they find the right person? Or would it maybe never find someone with real connection?

Okay, so why we stay even when there's not a connection? one because people don't even understand the concept of connection. So, it's a very foreign thing to a lot of people and what they've been taught by others is it's not about connection it's about what you like them, they like you and you get together and you see if you can make it work, right. And because other relationships that are together without connection want to validate their relationship they will encourage others who don't have connection to move forward in their relationship, all right. Because again, they don't want to face that fact One quick example.

People are also afraid to be alone, I think.

Oh, absolutely afraid to be alone, afraid to start over, afraid to be wrong because especially in a situation where other people told you this wasn't it and you fought hard to defend it, you don't want to face that. There's also the I don't want the other person to win and I use that with a lot of women that happens. Whereas if there's another woman that's somewhere in the situation that he dated or maybe there was anything that happened it becomes a competition.

Oh, my gosh.

I'm not going to let him go because I don't want her to win. Not because I want this man or he's so amazing.

I think it's exhausting.

It's super exhausting but there are a lot of women who engage in those kind of situations. Man, that's tough. Or have fallen into those types of situations.

So, I think another one is well, we've invested this much time I don't want to lose time.

That is a huge one.

Really?

Especially for women. Women and it's everybody, but I do think it's even more so for women. Women have a very hard time walking away from anything they've invested a lot of energy, time, and emotion into. This is even for their careers. There are women right now listening to this who are not happy in their careers. They have not been happy for a long time. They may be successful, they may be doing very well, but they never felt at peace and at home there. But it is so hard to walk away when they gave so many years to it. So much time and energy to it, they don't know how to just let it go. And so, the same thing happens in their relationships. Yes, if they've invested so much time even though they know he's not it, they know this relationship is not what it needs to be, they don't want to walk away from that. So, all of those things paralyze people and keep them in a situation where there's no connection.

Yeah, I think I interrupted you. I'm not sure if you were to say something else, but I chimed in at one point.

I can't remember. Yeah, no problem. But the second part was you said, so you said, why do they stay when there's not a connection? Oh, and if they were to break up.

If 80% of these people said, you know what? We're breaking up because we don't have connection. Could they find someone with connection in the next couple of years? Or would they ever find that person?

I think it's very possible. Can I say that? It's yes for everybody? No, but I think for the most people, Yes, I think what people don't realize is again, there are a lot of people who... I know a woman, all right. She was a client many years ago. She make a long story short... So, she married her guy knowing he wasn't there. She actually wanted to break up a few times before he proposed but found herself kind of feeling stuck, they didn't know how to reject it, she went through with it. Many years later, she meets a guy that she feels in a connection with that she never felt before. Way more into this man than she ever was into her husband. But again, to the outside who doesn't understand this they'll just say oh, this woman lost interest or she's a horrible wife or whatever. But no, she always knew there was no connection with her husband. She didn't even want to marry this guy. There are men and women who have gotten married knowing this is not the one.

On their wedding days they knew.

Yes, I had another client who said Her whole family told her if you want to stop... They were at the wedding. They were in a room in the back. Said, if you want to stop the wedding right now we will support you.

Let's go.

She said she walked out and walked down that aisle got married and she said, you, know why she did it? Because she deserved to be married. Oh, not because that man was the one. No, not because there was a connection. That's not true. No, but at that point she felt like she deserved it.

I'm 30, I'm this, I deserve... My friends were all married.

Exactly. Now they deserve it. Exactly. And she can acknowledge that right now.

That would make me sick if I was that guy. And if I love this woman very much and I was giving my life to this woman and she, in her heart, behind the scenes, 15 minutes before walking out, everyone's saying, Walk away. We know this isn't the right for you. You know it's not right for you. And she goes, you, know what? I deserve to be married. So I'm gonna do it anyways, even if it's not right. that's like so painful for the man, I feel like too. It's more painful being in a relationship where someone doesn't want to be with you, than them breaking up with you, in my opinion.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know. I mean, then you're living a lie as married. You're like, okay, this person really doesn't want to be with me.

For me, it's more hurtful because you're trapped in a situation where you're never gonna get what you deserve and need.

Oh man.

So at least if they break up with you, the breakup hurts but you've been set free and now you can get what you deserve.

Free.

But to stay there and they don't really want to be with you and if they don't really want to be with you they're not going to pour into you the way that you need. You're never going to have happiness and peace. So, absolutely it's much worse to be in that situation than to be broken up with. But I would say that a lot of men don't even realize what's going on in these situations and what men have to realize is listen, like I would argue in that scenario he's not really in love with her. He's infatuated with her.

That's why he's willing to put up with things, to tolerate things that he doesn't want to do.

Exactly.

To have this idea of her.

Exactly, he's infatuated, he's attached. Interesting. And so, he views it as love, you know. And I'm not saying no situation is ever real love but a lot of people get love mixed up, you know. And again, to me real love is a two-way thing. All right, and if we really love each other then... Well, I was going to say we really love each other we'd be able and willing to pour into each other. But unfortunately, this is where lack of healing comes in because that's one like there's some situations where two people can have a connection, can truly be in love. But if there's a lack of healing it can still get thrown off. There's a lot of people who met their connection but it did not happen because of fear. It did not happen because of a lack of healing. It did not happen because this was foreign to them, this was scary to them. It's very overwhelming to meet that person you have a connection with, it pulls out all your insecurities, it makes you vulnerable in a way that you've never been vulnerable and that is a lot. And so, people will now run from their connection and go be with the person they're not really in love with because it's safer there.

Why?

Why?

If you find someone with this connection this is a great match would you sabotage it over and over again to go find someone who's not a match? Why do people do this?

Because so, there's a few things to consider. One, the person you have a connection with has the power to hurt you like nobody else. So, if your perspective let's say you're a woman and you perceive all men as they're going to hurt you they're going to do you wrong. Right.

They're going to lie, they're going to cheat, they can't be trusted.

So, now I'm faced with guy A who is Mr. Perfect he does everything right and I have an amazing connection with him.

He pours into me love, support, everything.

And there's a connection there. But then I have guy B where it's not a connection there but over here I feel like I have one more value, all right. because with perfect guy I'm looking at him like this amazing man how do I even deserve this? A lot of women have a struggle of feeling like they truly deserve this man or that they are truly good enough for this man, all right. They may not all verbalize it but behind closed doors that is a struggle for a lot of women. Also, it's the situation where again, if you view men as they're going to hurt you, the guy B who's not good for you is showing you they're not good from the jump. So, you know what's coming, all right. It's easier to deal with that than the perfect guy. And I say perfect in the sense of he's just an amazing guy. Then that guy we have the connection with where it's almost like you're waiting for the pin to drop and it still hasn't come yet.

What the hell is going on here?

It's too good to be true, right? Yeah, and you're waiting to get hit. There was literally an episode on divorce court one time where this woman she leaves this man They asked the woman why did you leave this man? What was the situation? She said he was perfect, he cooked, he cleaned, he was my best friend, he was an amazing partner. They said so, why did you leave him? Verbatim, this is what she said. I was just waiting for him to turn around and hit me. Now, everyone in the audience and even the judge didn't understand what was going on there. Oh, you're just ridiculous, you're a horrible woman. No, what she's saying is she is so conditioned to men being dysfunctional, hurtful, lying, cheating, whatever that she could not believe that this man was this good. And so, now the fear of something has to happen drives you crazy.

Good goodness.

And so, now what will happen is...

Is this a non-healed woman?

Absolutely. So, you will either run or you will try to sabotage because you've got to make something bad stick out. You got to validate your fear.

Because you may not like it but that's normal.

Yes.

It becomes normal for you. Yes. Whatever is not normal is unfamiliar and scary. Yes. Even if it's good for you. Yes. Even if it's peaceful and loving, you've.

Never had it, it's unfamiliar so you're like, what's wrong? Exactly, and where in the hell is something wrong going to happen? Something wrong has to happen that's what I've been trained to believe. So, now I can't take this insanity of waiting.

Oh, my gosh.

That's what happens to a lot of people. A lot of people and I'm telling you that's why... And let me give you another angle.

Give it to me.

So, I've had a lot of clients women clients who have used the term I felt like I was losing myself when dealing with a man that they had a connection with, all right.

Really?

Yes, so here's the problem. If that woman has been hurt All right, in all these situations she has been hurt, she has experienced some level of damage and trauma. She now becomes guarded, all right. That guardedness is her shield, it is her protection in her eyes, all right. But it also allows her to not be fully vulnerable, okay. So, now she's operating under this shell behind these walls. The man she has a connection with forces you to come out of that. So, now you feel like you're losing yourself but you're not losing yourself, you're losing who you've conditioned yourself to believe you are.

Oh my goodness.

Out of the need for protection even though it wasn't really protecting you it was hurting you even more the whole time, all right.

So, now you're losing that ego part of yourself, the masks and the safety.

Of the garden, the safety of the walls. You're not allowed to have those walls in a relationship give a connection. It demands greater of you but the dysfunctional guy, the no good guy, the loser does not demand that of you. So, you can continue to operate behind your walls giving three quarters half of your heart, all right, and validate it because you're with a guy who's beneath you, so to speak. Who you're not really in love with.

You're more in control of the situation.

You have emotional control with this guy. you feel like your emotions are all over the damn place with the other guy. And you can't deal with that, it's nerve wracking.

Why is it so hard for women to deal with that? To deal with the full expression of their emotions vulnerability?

Because I believe it's because women as they grow up they're much more emotionally giving of themselves. So, because of that even when they get into relationships that first relationship where she fell in love or thought she was in love, she really gave herself. See, as men we don't always fully give ourselves. That situation where we do that is a lot more rare. We have to feel like this is the one, all right. Whereas a woman if she feel like I can be with this guy, I want to be with this guy she gives up herself. And since this tends to happen typically at a young age, high school, early college. At a time where men at that age are boys and don't know how to handle a woman's love, emotions, and the commitment that's required in that relationship, it is more than likely he's going to hurt her. Whether it's completely his fault, whether it's also her doing some things because it's not only the man that does wrong it's the woman too. But the point is they're both young, they both have not learned how to be mature and master their emotions And so, she's going to typically get hurt. And now from that point she says I will never let that happen to me again, the wall comes up. Now, she's guarded, now she's trying to manage her vulnerability. When she was younger she wasn't fully managing it. If anything, when women are younger it's other people trying to pull them back. Don't be so into it, you can't be all into the guy, relax. It's true. But she wants to just get it. That's like he doesn't care. Exactly. Yeah, act like you don't care all this game playing. But once she gets older nah, now it's okay, I'm not going that far. But the problem is that works well with the no good guy that shoots you in the foot with the guy you have a connection with or that's the really good guy for you. And so, it's a horrible negative cycle but again, lack of healing. And listen, the same thing can happen to a man but here's the difference. Men, let's say when he's younger, thinks he falls in love, gives his heart to a girl, she crushes it. And he can't go on a vengeful F these women, F life, I don't care anymore, I'm going to do whatever I want, right. But then if he meets an amazing woman, there's a greater chance of him being willing to embrace that she's an amazing woman and give it another chance.

Why?

Because he has not been conditioned to believe that all all women are horrible.

Why are women conditioned this way?

Because they're getting stories from their mothers, their aunts, their sisters, their friends, society, TV all saying men bad, men bad, men bad, men do wrong. The only place they can see a story of love is Disney and not even Disney anymore maybe, I don't know. But you know, that fairy tale doesn't exist, all right? Men are not... It's not pushed as much on men. Are there some men who have been pushed to the edge of believing all women are bad? Yes, and those men act horribly and those men will reject that amazing woman when she comes his way. But a lot of men still have hope. A lot of women they don't have hope, they're just trying to work with it, all right. So, that's what makes it a huge difference. So, when the good amazing woman comes his way he has a reason to think maybe this could really be it. When the good amazing man comes her way it's not this can't be real because that doesn't exist. Men like this don't exist how could this be happening right now?

And if you convince yourself that enough you'll find something wrong with the person whether they did something wrong or not.

Exactly, you will create... Listen, I hate to say this but this is truth. Some women and I say some Some will create false narratives, they will create stories that don't actually exist.

No.

Because they need something and this even happens when it comes to dating. I have a video about you will always be the bad guy. And what I tell men is that if you don't... There are a lot of women out there that if you don't give them what they wanted ultimately, whatever it was, they're going to at some point view you as the bad guy.

What does that usually be? If you didn't give me a ring, if you didn't do this for me.

Yes, let's say for example, you met a woman she deep inside wanted a real committed relationship and you never gave that to her. And let's just say you weren't even lying to her, you were telling her I really don't really want a relationship. But she was going along with it hoping she would get that. She doesn't get that to you to her now, she can't view you in a positive light. Because in order for her to break free from this and suppress her emotions, she has to view you as the bad guy. She has to create a negative narrative about you. That's the only way to make it easier for her. Now, again, I stress this isn't all women, but this happens with a lot of women. And so, now what happens is dad.

Is... Is this why every... I was thinking maybe all but like one of my past relationships made me out to be a bad person when I didn't give them what they wanted?

Absolutely.

And said... Even if I didn't do anything bad or wrong or a gout of integrity, it just didn't work out. then it was like okay, they never wanted to speak to me again. I was the worst person in the world, they couldn't be my friend, they talked bad about me, whatever. I was like just because I didn't give you what you want, we want different things.

Yes.

But now I'm this horrible human being.

Yes. Because if they believe in good Lewis, that makes it a struggle for them to accept not being with Lewis. That makes it a struggle for them to accept how the situation didn't go the way they wanted. they have to project something negative onto you.

Because if I, at the end of the day, the relationship didn't work out, what is it, what are they saying to themselves that I wasn't good enough for him or something has to be wrong with him so that I feel.

Like I'm getting-- so, there's a part of them-- so, I was just, I wasn't watching the movie it was, the movie was on TV and there was a scene that popped up where this girl said this guy just broke up with her. Right, and all the girls on the table was like oh, he's just afraid of his emotions, he's this, he's that. Then this one person at the table who was actually a guy disguised as a woman said are y'all blind? He just wants his space he doesn't want to be with you. They all got silent and looked at him and he said oh, no it's his emotions. Like, he had to change the narrative. So, what it shows you is that there's a part of that woman who does think damn, is it me? Am I not good enough? What's wrong with me? In order to fight that she has to now come with the other side. No, it's him, he has the issues, he's wrong, that's the way to fight that. Now, in my opinion, we have to learn and I would encourage people listen, it cannot be about you and they're not a bad guy. You see what I'm saying like it doesn't have to be either or. We can understand that we just weren't the right match. We weren't the right fit That's it. That's all it is to it. It doesn't mean you're not good enough as a woman you can be an amazing great woman. But we weren't the right match. Exactly. We didn't have a connection. Exactly. She wasn't for you, you weren't for her, that's it. If we can learn to accept that we don't have to hold on to any negative narrative about the person. Yeah. But guess what again, and I would... I have to say there are men who do this too. Sure, of course. It's the same way like when a man... Some men will try to approach the woman she rejects them and immediately or you be you this, you know, he goes off on her because now I have to make you into a bad person because you didn't give me what I wanted. Yeah. Because it makes it easier for me to accept the outcome of this.

It's funny you're saying this. There's something you mentioned earlier about how when a good man shows up, sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes a woman says like this is too good to be true or when's something bad going to happen. I remember I was in a relationship about a decade ago, I think it was nine to 10 years ago. The relationship was going amazing for the first three, four, maybe five months. I mean, it was like I felt connection, chemistry, compatibility. I felt all those things. Whether I had them all or not is irrelevant. But there was one night that she thought I was doing something wrong that I wasn't doing. She made something up, was so convinced that I did something that I didn't do. no matter what I said to say, like, hey, I'm not doing this. It's like she couldn't believe it. She had to hold on to this belief of, like, that I did this thing wrong. We go through. I'm just kind of like, what is happening now? She's angry, passive aggressive, not speaking to me for, like, 24 hours. I'm like, what just happened? I have no clue what happened. We were one moment, everything was fine. We're happy, connecting. The next moment, it was like she flipped and was like, pushing me away and blaming me for something I didn't do. And the next day I'm like, what is going on? Like after we finally talked, what is going on? She goes, to be honest, this was probably like a big red flag that I should have noticed right away. But she said, to be honest, I didn't feel like I would meet someone like you at this stage of my life. You see? She was like 26-27. I think I was like 29. And she goes, I didn't think I'd meet someone like you at this stage. I thought I'd meet you like after I was 30. And I was like, what does that even mean? I didn't even know that. But really what I'm hearing now is like, I didn't even know this was possible.

And it seems way more common than you think.

Or if I was ready for someone who was like healthier version, because she had a lot of stuff that she hadn't healed yet. from stuff. I won't get into it, but, and I don't think she was ready for love and someone who was just like, I'm here to love you. I'm here to like be support. I'm a good guy. I'm here to show up. I'm patient. I'm present. I'm like, we have fun, all these things. And I think after like three, four months of that, she was like, wait a minute. Like, this can't be real. I was like, what are you talking about? Just embrace it. Like, let's just do this thing. And then we ended up being another six, seven months of like up and down, chaos, stress, love, resistance, to eventually where it just kind of drove me mad. I was like, I can't do this anymore. You know, we had this thing, and then you weren't willing to, like, continue on with it. And now. Now I'm trying to stay in this thing longer and make it work, and it's not working, and it ended up not working. So why is that so? I mean, is that people, women under 30s, over 30s? Is that all ages? Is that what is.

No, I think it just depends on the experience of the woman, what she's been through, the household she's been brought up in, if she's been hurt before. Because you know, granted I do if I'm going to be honest I do think that as the woman gets older the chances of her having these issues or struggles becomes greater because she's been through more. Chances are you know, you're past 30 you may have been through a couple of relationships you may have been through a few minutes you really liked and now that hurts you. Whereas if you're 22, 23 there's less of a chance you see. It can still happen but there's just less of a chance. So, that's the what can change there, you know. But I have to say man, it's so much more common than people realize. I have so many stories from men, clients, and even friends and associates who've all experienced this that all of a sudden the woman saying I can't do this.