This content was created by Lewis Howes. This content was uploaded by Lewis Howes. This is a YouTube video titled "Can you change a narcissist?" featuring a discussion between an unidentified speaker and Dr. Ramani Durvasula, recorded on September 24, 2025. The conversation explores the challenges of dealing with narcissistic individuals, strategies for managing such relationships, and the concept of radical acceptance.
What I'm hearing you say is there's really no way to change a narcissist. So trying to change them is not going to happen.
It's a fool therapy.
So doesn't mean we just pretty much have to rip the cord and rip the band aid and get out, or how does it make that simple, right?
We can't walk away from all relationships. People can't just quit their jobs. Let's say a person starts figuring this out five years in a relationship and they're married and they have children. What if it's their family of origin and they're like, I've done my homework and this is actually my parent or my sibling? People say, well, I don't know that I'm willing to cut off for my entire family. So I'm not going to sit here and tell people that, oh, you just got to always go. In fact, my first book on the topic of narcissism is called Should I Stay Or Should I Go? Surviving a Relationship with a Narcissist. And I wrote it from that point of view because it's too simplistic to say, well, get up and go. Like you said, rip off the band aid. And neither path is easy. But in an ideal world, I will be frank with you. And there's actually an interesting group in Israel that's gathering, has gathered some data on this, on narcissistic abuse. And they found that the thing that works best in dealing with a narcissistic relationship that resulted in the best outcomes was going no contact. Like having no contact with them, completely blocking, cutting off. Because it's almost like a toxin. Right. If there's a toxic gas, the best way to feel better is to eliminate a little bit.
You're just going to be feeling a little bit of pain consistently, it's going to be holding onto it.
Correct. But a lot of people don't have that. So the biggest. If you're gonna have to stay in this relationship, you have to engage in something that I and others have called radical acceptance. This is never gonna change.
This is who they are.
This is who they are. This is it. So, and then I tell people I have something called the deep technique that I talk about. The deep technique is when I tell people, if you're dealing with a narcissist, don't defend, don't engage, don't explain, don't personalize. So deep. Don't defend, don't engage, don't explain, don't personalize. And so when they're coming at you and if you can remember, you really are keeping it tight. It's a lot of. It's like you're in a deposition. Yes. No. Okay. Sounds good. Sure. Now, narcissists don't like that because they're.
Going to keep coming and digging and digging.
They're going to bait you. They're going to bait you. And they, When I tell you when they bait you, they. They don't play.
They go for everything. Everything that's going to make something up.
Kids, they. They start making stuff up. They go after your friends, they draw.
Your friends in it, threatening to shame you publicly, whatever it is.
Right? And so then at some people, people take that bait, and then the narcissist, like, game on, you know, and they're all, I got, you.
