Do They ACTUALLY Love You or Just Want Sex? HERE’S How to Know!

You want to need someone because you love them, not love them because you need them.

Wow.

The quote unquote broken person is looking for someone to fill up that emptiness inside of them. She has helped thousands of people be better in their relationships. The relationship coach and teacher, author and.

Host of the podcast, Jillian on Love, Jillian Tareeqi.

You have to be willing to rock the boat. You have to be willing to ask the questions that scare you and listen to the answers that scare you even more because for a relationship worth keeping, you have to risk losing it. It's knowing that an argument is not going to end your relationship. When you feel safe enough to argue with your partner, I would say that is a very good measure of a good relationship.

Sure.

When we truly love someone, we really want the best for them. Their needs are actually as important as our needs. Not more important, but not less important. We want the very, very best for them, even if that means not being in a relationship with them.

How do we know the difference between when we're experiencing or feeling lust versus meaningful love?

So, I see.

Everyone, Lewis Howes here, and I'm very excited about today's episode and guest, Gillian Tett. Is here. Relationship coach that has inspired millions of people. We dive deep in the difference between lust and love. Why you can't convince someone to love you. and how to develop self-awareness needed for healthy relationships. And did you know that one of the biggest causes for pain, stress and breakup in relationships is around money conversations and money issues? If you want to find peace and harmony in your personal relationship to money and in your relationship with others, then make sure to get a copy of my new book, Make Money Easy, which is all about creating financial peace and harmony with your money in your life and healing your relationship wounds around money so you can feel free in money for the rest of your life. I'm so excited about this episode. If you're enjoying it, please like below this video, subscribe to our channel and leave a comment on your biggest takeaway from this episode. It is gonna be a big one. So let's dive in. I wanna talk about some of the stuff in your book.

Let's do it.

These are powerful self healing techniques to help us repair a relationship with ourselves and start building the rewarding relationships that we deserve. Again, you want two individuals to create a successful relationship. Need to be on a healing journey. Doesn't mean they need to be perfect or whole. Although I would ask you, can you be broken and be happy in a relationship with someone? So I think two people are broken and like, have no wholeness at all. They're just like empty inside?

No, definitely not. I mean, we think we need to define broken, but if one of the most valuable things that we can bring to a relationship is a sense of self. And that does not mean that you love everything about you. It just means that you have an idea of who you are and who you wanna be, and that you have a belief that in spite of the fact that you are not perfect and there are parts of you that are difficult because everyone has difficult parts, you are still intrinsically worthy of being loved. And I think that we are, we would, we do our, we would do ourselves all a big service if we just were just upfront about the ways that we were difficult. Like, hey, this is how I'm difficult. This is what you're gonna have to live with very upfront. So two people who have no sense of self, Here's what I prefer to kind of frame it. If you believe that another person is responsible for your happiness, if you believe that, you know, Eric Fromm said this perfectly, and I'm paraphrasing here, you want to need someone because you love them. not love them because you need them. The quote unquote broken person is looking for someone to fill up that emptiness inside of them. They don't know who they are. They don't have any sense really of themselves. They don't have any meaning in their life. And so they're looking for love in all the wrong people because that's typically what happens. And they're looking for love and all the wrong people, and they're looking for someone to fill them up. They're looking for someone because they don't know how to fulfill their own needs. They don't know how to have some meaning in life. And that doesn't mean that person can actually be sad and unhappy sometimes, but they have a sense of meaning in their life and a sense of purpose in their life, whatever that is. And so people who are broken have no, they have no idea what gives their lives meaning. They are very divorced from their bodies. They're not, they're not connected to their body. Maybe there's just a lot of trauma there. Maybe there's just a lot of anxiety there. Maybe there's just a lot of, well, I've been taught that another person is supposed to complete me. So I haven't been spending time developing my self with a capital S because that's what another person is supposed to do. So trauma plays a big role, but also belief system plays a really big role in that. So you have one person Even one person, two people getting in a relationship like that, what you're gonna find is what is actually a codependent relationship or it's gonna be very unhappy, they're gonna be fighting all the time because they're gonna be trying to change each other and they're gonna be trying to be enough for each other. Like I said, change each other. And so, no, that is not going to be a healthy relationship. You have to bring some sense of self, even if you're 21 years old, you know, just some, and the thing is, We're meant to get it wrong. We're meant to have some messed up experiences. How are we going to learn? But yeah, a sense of self, like, this is who I am, this is what I want, this is what I struggle with still, this is what makes me kind of difficult, this is what makes me insecure. These are things that I'm working on. But I also, in spite of the ambivalence that I have towards parts of myself, I still kind of like me.

If someone doesn't feel like they're worthy of love and they enter a relationship, what do you think is gonna happen in that relationship?

Well, I don't like to speak in such black and white thinking, binary thinking, because have I known people who really struggle to love themselves, find someone who loves them unconditionally? Yeah, I've seen that. I've seen that. And I've seen that in people, and those people just had some Intelligence inside of them that was saying to them, choose the person who's gonna love you unconditionally versus what happens more of the time, choose the person who's gonna treat you in such a way that it reinforces your belief that you are not enough. Wow. That's more common. But it is possible.

What do you think is worse? Someone who chooses someone that reinforces the belief in them that they are not lovable and worthy of love. And therefore that person reflects and treats them poorly or someone who believes that they are not worthy of love, but somehow chooses someone to accept them fully and love them unconditionally. And yet they still don't believe it themselves. Which one do you think is more challenging?

Probably the first one's going to be more challenging. Because the most important thing is that you're being treated well in a relationship, regardless of where your self-worth is. You're treating someone well and they're treating you well. If there's any scenario where someone is not being respectful, that's always the worst.

Scenario, in my view. But there's something though, like getting something you feel like you didn't deserve. I know. And it's like being handed a bunch of money that you're like, I didn't earn this. But I did- Someone died or someone gave me this. Yes. that I really create the value to receive this. -Yes. -And you have this like guilt or this- Absolutely. -and then you sabotage it and then.

You don't value it. -Absolutely. All those things are true and can happen. But I have spoken, I remember I did speak to one woman and she said, you, know, I'm just really lucky that he loves me. -But she doesn't love herself. -When I dug a little bit deeper.

There were things about herself that she.

Actually liked, but she did struggle. -But to say I'm lucky that someone loves me. Yeah, I know, but at least she appreciated him.

That's good. That's good, but she didn't believe she deserved it.

But she loved him very much for loving her. That's good. And I think that that's better than the other. It's better to be treated poorly. It's better than the alternative. And she wasn't trying to sabotage or.

Anything like that, you know? I mean, here's the question then. You know, we're talking, we're trying to talk about how to create more fulfilling experiences in our life. And I think the greatest fulfillment comes in relationships. We can create fulfillment alone, but really magic happens when you have fulfillment and shared experience with someone else. I believe.

With other people, it could be plural.

Yes. In your book, you've kind of got these nine different distinctions that can set you up for a healthy relationship. The first one you talk about, it begins with you. And that's why I wanted to ask you about worthiness. How can someone learn, you know, being having a capital self, how can they learn to develop more worthiness and deservedness of love if they never received it or saw it growing up?

A lot of those people that you just described have really good friends. And so they know what it is to be loved through their friendships. Different story when it comes to romantic relationships. Hang around people where there's a lot of love. Hang around couples where there's a lot of love. I don't know, watch it in a movie even if you have to. Honestly.

Be around, be close to it.

And also, because every person that we come into contact with on a regular basis, and even not on a regular basis, is a mirror reflecting back to you. If you develop Friendships and community, maybe you give back, maybe you volunteer somewhere, and then you build community that way. You are actually learning about your self-worth and you're learning about yourself through these friendships and community that you've built. And that gives you a stronger sense of self. And when you get that stronger sense of self, then you start to, you know, people start to respond to you and you develop these things and then you start these connections and then you see, oh, I am worthy. I am. Like, I do this, I do that, I do have a life. I am doing things for myself. I am worthy. And then with a bit of luck, that person has read my book and followed my work, and they realize that if they choose the person who sees the beauty in them rather than the person who is reinforcing some old belief, Yeah. Because it's also in the choice.

Sure, sure. Something you talked about earlier, and you mentioned before is kind of like this difference between lust and love.

Yeah.

You mentioned in your book that lust is not the same thing as love. How do we know the difference between when we're experiencing or feeling lust versus meaningful love?

Yes. So I think that love is one of the hardest things to define. It's a very, it's very undefinable in many ways. And, and it's Something that, and I don't have all the answers, you know? No one does. This is like, philosophers have been theorizing on this for centuries, but what I do know is that two things. The love that you feel when you're falling in love with someone is love, but it's not the same as two years in. So the meaning, love changes. Love and the meaning that we assign to it changes. It morphs, it deepens. And love to me is not just a feeling. It's a choice. It's a habit. It's an intentional practice. And I think that when we truly love someone, my understanding is we really want the best for them. Like their needs are actually as important as our needs. Not more important, but not less important. We want them, we really, like their best interests. are our best interests. Like, we really take their best interest to heart. We want the very, very best for them, even if that means not being in a relationship with them. Lust is all the things that we feel when there's a lot of chemistry, and we feel a little obsessive, and there's a lot of novelty, and we can't stop thinking about them, and we feel like, We feel crazy. That crazy in love feeling is not love. That is lust. And I think that a lot of people make these big decisions, like, let's move in together, or like, this person is the one for me, when really you are drunk and you're drunk off of the chemicals in your body.

You don't know the person.

You don't know the person. They are a stranger. And actually a true emotional connection actually takes time to build with someone. Like you can feel that, like I'm sure after that first conversation, deep conversation that you had with Martha, you felt it. But I would even argue that that's like, that that was still very much lust and attraction. Like a true emotional connection happens when you feel safe with someone. There's trust.

-Yes.

-And that, it's the foundation. You know, it's knowing that an argument is not going to end your relationship. When you feel safe enough to argue with your partner, then you are, I would say that is a very good measure of a good relationship.

Sure.

That you know that that's not, it doesn't mean that it's gonna blow up. It's an argument. And you know what? You're supposed to argue because you have to sometimes be very reminded of the fact that you are not in a relationship with someone who, a projection of your ideal. You are in a relationship with an autonomous person who has their own beliefs and their own mind, and sometimes they're stubborn and sometimes you're stubborn, and that creates that creates chemistry, by the way. A little bit of arguing creates, can create a little bit of chemistry. Because again, you're reminded like, oh, I can't control this person. They are their own person.

Sure.

So love and the understanding of love, I think is something that we all have to learn, that it is a choice and that lust There's no choice in lust. Lust is a very out of control, fun feeling, but you're not choosing to lust over someone. It's like it's taken over you. And a lot of people confuse the two.

Is lust a sign of a wounded person?

No, it's a sign of a person with a beating heart. It's a sign of an immature person. is someone who thinks that lust is love. And that's not to put anyone down. It's just, we're all in that, we're.

All- They believe they're the same thing.

We're in it together to grow and to deepen our understanding of what it is to love ourselves and love another human being. Like we're all in it together trying to learn this. Immature person thinks that is so attached to the lust part of getting to know someone.

-The feeling part.

-The feeling part, exactly, and not the practice part.

-What'S the difference between the practice and the feeling?

-How can I love this person more? How can I transcend my ego right now when I just want to walk away when really what I have to do is the more loving thing to do? Because sometimes to make a relationship work, I believe one of the things that's really important is that you have to be in service of the relationship. So sometimes you have to do what's best for the relationship, even if it means having a very uncomfortable conversation. You have to care so much about the relationship that you have with this person that you're willing to like do something that might not be that comfortable. That's love, right? Again, paradox, gray area, tons of it, not binary, you know? But what I say is like sometimes you just have to, sometimes fighting for love, is not fighting for a relationship that's wrong. It's showing up as the person you want to be in a relationship.

Even when it's not perfect. Yeah.

Or just by saying, maybe if I show up better, the relationship would get better.

100%. A friend of mine said, I'm paraphrasing this, but he said, you know, if you treated the person at the beginning of the relationship, at the end of the relationship, it wouldn't be the end. Tony Robbins. Is that what you say?

Yeah. And it's like, it's true.

It's like if you treated the person in the beginning of the relationship, you know, the same way you did at the end. Taking for granted. Yeah, it wouldn't be the end. Yes, it's exactly true.

In the beginning, we're marketing, we're sales, we're not taking each other for granted. So lost, you know, I have many stories in the book of people just being like, I love this person. This person is for me. They never had a difficult conversation. They don't even know what each other's needs are. They're not even trying to meet each other's needs, but they're so obsessive about the other person. They think this person must be the one. No, they're still a stranger. But what's happening is that you are being so, yes, and there's a spectrum. Are there wounded people who get so enveloped by the lust stage and they can't see past it for sure, but it's a spectrum.

One of the nine hard truths you talk about is you must speak up and tell the truth. And I think that's something that I learned the hard way many times. And, you know, one of the things I tested, I guess, with Martha is I'm just going to be fully honest about everything. Where the things that I used to say and then pull back on because women would react and cry or get emotional or whatever it is about my past. which is like, if this person can't accept my truth, why am I going to choose to want to spend more time with them? Why am I going to invest in a, you know, a committed relationship with them? We don't need to be together. It doesn't have to work out, and that's okay.

Okay. So one way that, that people, that men will trust women, test women, let me give her the hardest truth about myself in a way that's really, really harsh. And let's see if she reacts as opposed to sometimes There are certain truths that we need to share, and we have to do it in a way that's somewhat artful, so there's a soft landing. So let me do it really, really harsh. See if she has any reaction. She's not for me, then bye-bye.

That's one way the mentor, yeah.

I wouldn't say it was harsh, but you know, that's the way people- I'm actually not relating it to you, but.

Your story reminded me of something. Sure, sure.

Yeah.

That's good. But I think you must be gob and tell the truth. I've had so many conversations. And listen, if I would have gotten married in my 20s or early 30s, I think I would have been screwed in marriage because I didn't do a lot of these things you're talking about in your book. And I didn't have the courage to say exactly what I wanted in the future of my relationship, or at least the vision I had. It was always to keep it as fun, lustful and adventurous, I guess, as possible, right? How do we keep that chemistry going? Those good times rolling? And anytime there was frustration or sadness or like challenging conversations that were like there was a reaction in a negative way or just an emotionally challenging way. And when I felt like I was disappointing the person, I had a big people pleaser in me, right?

Yes.

It's like, okay, I want to make them happy. So how do I just make them happy? how do I make this situation happy?

Yes.

And it made me lack the courage to be like, you know what? This is my truth. I'm going to tell it to you in a loving, compassionate way. If that doesn't work for you, then we might have some. We might have to make a challenging.

Choices.

Choices. Yeah. For, like, the future. And maybe these good times aren't going to roll anymore. And I was, like, always hard for me to do.

I know, because you didn't want. You wanted to be enough.

Of course, yeah. And I wanted to, and I wanted to make it work and I cared about these people and, you know, all that stuff. So it was like, it's really hard to be, to end a relationship where you feel like, oh, but there's so much fun, things are good. But when you tell the truth earlier on in a dating experience and just being very honest with the person about your past, present, and where you want to be in the future.

Yes.

If someone's not in alignment with you, then you should not be together.

Absolutely.

And I think you can find out about alignment by both parties speaking up and telling the truth about everything. There was another book that we went through, Martha and I, when we were dating, called Eight Dates, actually.

Oh, the Gottmans.

It was powerful.

Yeah.

And it was uncomfortable. I mean, it's like a lot of uncomfortable conversations. And it's kind of like each date is about, like, One about kids, one about money, one about marriage, one about like whatever, these different situations in life. And I mean the questions might have felt like overkill. There was like 50 questions around each topic. And I was like, gosh, these are just, it's not enjoyable to speak about these things. Yes. And really be honest about and like, oh, and have her ask me the question and look at me like, oh, how is she gonna receive this? And like, oh man, I gotta really show up and be honest here. Oh, okay, let me breathe through it and take a break and come back. It is uncomfortable.

Yeah, very much so. Listen, I didn't tell the truth either. That was a very, very big part of my pain in relationships. Yeah, I mean, all of these truths are both based on my professional and personal experience.

What was the truth that you didn't share.

There was a lot, the truth of how I felt about things, the truth about my concerns over certain things, the truth about what was really painful for me, the truth about my trauma, the truth about my-- how something made me feel.

So you weren't willing to reveal yourself.

You know, it's interesting. I think that I felt very vulnerable in that relationship, but I don't think that I was truly very vulnerable.

You felt vulnerable, but you weren't being vulnerable.

Yeah, I felt, I felt, and I think a lot of people aren't vulnerable because they feel too vulnerable. Like they feel too scared, right? And so I don't think I was very vulnerable. And also, I didn't take a stand when I needed to take a stand.

You didn't have boundaries.

I didn't have the strong enough boundaries. Absolutely not. I wasn't, I didn't want to rock the boat because I didn't want the rela, I didn't wanna be left. I didn't want the relationship to end. And you have to be willing to rock the boat. You have to be willing to ask the questions that scare you and listen to the answers that scare you even more because for a relationship to be worth keeping, you have to risk losing it sometimes. Like sometimes it gets to that point where it's like, I have to risk this not working out because if I don't, then I'm just staying in something and putting a Band-Aid over it. But I've worked with many couples where, you know, they were married for years and they just weren't telling the truth again. They didn't want to hurt the other person's feelings. It was too vulnerable. They didn't know how to have these conversations. And once they started really telling the truth to each other, that's when they were able to heal.

Yeah, and you come together stronger after that.

Absolutely. The truth is really important. Like the important truths. Like, this is how I feel. Like sometimes it's a really direct truth. I love you, but if these two things don't change, I don't know how to be in a relationship with you. Like sometimes it'll get to that point. Yeah.

I almost feel like you shouldn't get into a relationship until you know the person of what you're wanting to change.

But sometimes things come up. Sometimes things come up, people change, things happen, and you have to be willing, you know, things can change.

Yeah, you get to be flexible too, for sure.

Well, you just have to be aware of the fact that sometimes things come up.

But I think the more you can have these honest conversations earlier, I mean, listen, there's gonna be things I'm gonna keep learning about Martha forever, right? New things about her constantly. But what I say, I feel like I know 80 to 90% of like at the core what she values.

Yes.

Based on what she's communicated to me, I feel like I know that.

Yes.

And because we've had multiple these conversations and because I feel like I'm intuitive and discerning enough to, like, read the energy. Now, she could be lying to me about certain things. She could be holding stuff. And at that point, it may be a deal breaker later in the case. Be like, oh, you lied to me. You said something completely different, and you lied about it. Like, you weren't being honest. That's a bigger problem than, like, you changing this one thing. It's like you just were not honest with me.

Yeah.

And now, of course. So it's- There were a lot of.

Lies in my marriage.

Really? Now, did you have the conversations before the marriage? No.

I mean, we had some conversations. I don't want to make it out.

Like it was- But they were surface probably. They were trying to be deeper, but they were like- I mean, we would.

Talk about- I mean, we were, it was immaturity. It was wounds. It was like lack of self- I mean, I thought it was like this incredibly self-aware person getting- and I learned so much. Also, because I had, you know, yes, I had had an abusive relationship, but the relationships before him, like I had been in a very long-term relationship that was beautiful and lovely and respectful and healthy.

Why did you get married in that one?

I was too young. I was too young. And, you know, the relationship, because I did not know anything really about relationships, we were just really good to each other, but it became more of like a friendship. It was just sort of like, It became more like, you know, friendship and- yeah.

How important is timing in a relationship? Like, right person, wrong time?

Yeah, or it's- yeah, exactly.

Like, it's the right person, wrong time.

Or- I think oftentimes when- They're not ready or whatever, yeah. I often think that wrong time, wrong person. Again, I'm not God. I don't have all the answers. No one does. Are there people who maybe met each other, it was the wrong time, and then they met each other again and they got married and everything's great? I'm sure that exists. More times than not, oftentimes it's not a timing thing. It's really something else. But we get caught in the fantasy of what it could have been. And who's not to say that maybe you would get together and it was the right time, and then it would just fall apart a year later. You just never know. And yes, to echo your point, telling the truth, having these really important conversations beforehand, Even if, like, your adrenaline is going off in your body and your palms are sweating, like you have to have these conversations. They are so incredibly important. And I know that they're scary. I don't want to have them either, but they are the game changers. So you have to tell the truth. You have to tell the truth. And a lot of people who are afraid that they're not enough, they go into pleasing, they're afraid that they're going to be abandoned, they're afraid that they're gonna, sometimes it's facing the truth of who someone is and what their relationship is, and we don't wanna face the truth. So we have to tell the truth, we have to face the truth. It is always, always gonna be easier in the long run.

Yeah, and speaking about the truth, if a woman is going out and dating, right? And they've dated a bunch of different guys, but they finally meet a guy, they're like, oh, this guy's different. and he's, you know, not only does he, like, check off all the things on my written down list, but, like, I feel emotionally safe. We're just connected. We have similarity. We have alignment in so many places. And this could be an amazing relationship for me. But then a month or two down, he just says, you know what? This is not working out for me. And he's dating other women and starts to date someone else. What should a woman be thinking? or feeling in that experience when most of the times you hear women saying that they're devastated, they're heartbroken that this guy didn't choose them.

Yeah.

And they think something's wrong with them. Instead, what should that woman be thinking or saying about that situation?

What my dream would be. What if, you know, Jeanne Nobata was like, what would be your wish for these women? It would be, okay, cool. On to the next.

Why is it so hard for women to do that?

It's so hard for people to do that because you thought you met someone and you, and you're feel, love is a completely irrational feeling. It's not rational. You know, if we met someone, we'd like them. You compound that maybe for that woman, she's in her childbearing years, she, her clock is ticking, she wants to build a family. That's like, that's her dream and she meets someone, it's great. And then all of a sudden, like, wait, what did I do? You didn't choose me? Like, what's going on? Often in those scenarios, people put their eggs in one basket a little bit too soon. And they think the person is just great. And part of what we have to do in the beginning, and this is so hard, everything I'm saying is easier said than done, nonetheless it needs to be done. What's so hard is we have to kind of, when we meet someone, we're excited about them. I don't want to rain, I don't want anyone to rain on anyone else's parade, but process your enthusiasm. Have a conversation with yourself like, well, this feels really good. This feels really promising. I feel really excited. So you're connecting with what you feel emotionally. And then say, and I also know that this could also not turn out to be anything. And instead of me getting attached to the outcome, I'm gonna really enjoy this feeling that I'm feeling right now, but I'm going to use some discernment here because I still, I don't know this person's character. I understand I have the wisdom and I've been learning from all the relationship experts here and there. I understand that it takes time to really get to know someone. It takes time to see if we're in alignment. So I'm excited to learn more. And that's sort of what we have to start talking, how we have to talk to ourselves, right? If someone is just not interested in you, one of the things that make us very resilient in life is the ability to accept that rejection. And that rejection is a part of life, and that we are not gonna be for everyone. this is in work, professionally, business, personally, we're just not for everyone. How boring, right? And if we were for everyone, then we were chameleons and we're trying to be for everyone. So the worst thing you can do, and this is what people do and what I talk about a lot, oh, you're not choosing me. Let me do something to get chosen. Let me change myself. Let me not tell the truth because I think I love this person, but really what I feel is just some lust and I'm attached to some fantasy of what could be because I just don't wanna be alone anymore. And I'm really deep down very afraid of being alone. I'm very afraid of not having children. All these things you don't have to be ashamed about. These are real legitimate fears. Get in touch with them. Befriend them, understand what you're going through emotionally, and stop strategizing to get some Josh who you don't even know who probably is not right for you. In fact, definitely isn't because they're not choosing you to choose you. Go for someone else.

Yeah, one of your nine hard truths is you cannot convince someone to love you.

Never. And that's also in a relationship. You know, I spent two years trying to convince my husband to love me.

Really?

It felt that way. Yeah, it was more subtle. There were just things that he was pulling back, right? So I was just like, what can I do differently? What lie can I tell? Not an overt lie, but like, what truth can I withhold?

To make him more- yeah, to make.

Him more- pleased with me or satisfied, whatever you want. Yeah, exactly. And it was subtle. It wasn't every moment of every day, but it was there. It was there.

How does that feel when you're trying to convince someone to love you, but they're not receptive to it?

It feels like a self-betrayal. It feels like you are abandoning yourself. What I would like for people to do, and I know this is much easier said than done, and obviously if it's an involved relationship like a marriage, it's a journey and it's a process. You don't just wake up one day and say, okay, I let go. Letting go is a process. But ultimately where I want people to arrive to is If you think that your happiness is somewhere else, I'm not standing in the way of that. I'm not standing in the way of that. Because you could convince someone short term to stay, but you will always know that you are holding them hostage emotionally in some way, and it'll never, it'll feel terrible.

Yeah, it's not fun. And it's like, again, having the discernment to fight for the relationship.

Yes.

Versus letting go when someone's not choosing to love you in return.

It's very, very complicated, Louis.

And you might have been thinking, well, I'm fighting for this because we're married and we love each other, so I'm gonna fight for this and try to do what I can versus self-betrayals abandonment, lack of boundaries, people pleasing, or whatever was you're experiencing.

It's very complicated, Louis. It's like, you know, sometimes it's like maybe your partner is going through a mental health crisis. And so they're pulling away. So you're like, I'm gonna fight for this because what we have is so special.

Or they lost a parent or something. They're going through something.

It's tragic. Yes. And you're like, I'm gonna fight for this. I know that they're pulling. It's complicated, you know? And knowing when to stay or to go, these can be very hard to decipher. But ultimately, you know, I talk about choosing yourself. And that really, it's got nothing to do with the other person. It's really about understand, like, what is the life that I must lead? Like, how, when has it been enough? Has the line been crossed to the intolerable? And like, so knowing, and sometimes you don't have to, sometimes you don't know until you're actually in it, but I do think a secret weapon to dating is really having a clear understanding of what is the intolerable for you. -And tolerate the rest.

-That'S tricky though also, because It's like the analogy of the frog in the boiling water or something, right? It's like it gets hot in water, but then eventually it can tolerate it because it's getting hotter and hotter, but then it never jumps out.

Yes, exactly. Well, that person then needs help with a coach or therapist to get them to understand what actually is intolerable.

Yeah, they need an intervention.

Yeah, an intervention, exactly. Correct.

Tricky though.

Yeah, it's all tricky, but I think that But yes, it's all tricky, and it's definitely trickier for people who have a history of toxic relationships and trauma. But that doesn't mean that you can't, you can heal, you can change it, you can learn, you can do things differently, but it does mean you have to change some things.

100%. What would you, if you could go back to before you were married?

Yes.

And if you could only do three things differently, to either set the marriage up to be more successful when you got married, or realize, oh, we're not in alignment, so I'm gonna actually remove myself before getting married, what three things could you have done differently?

Well, there was a massive red flag that I outlined in the book, and there's a couple more that I, what I could have done differently was paid attention to those red flags and said, you know, I mean, we have a lot of fun together. We're very compatible. We are, in some ways like two peas in a pod. There's a lot of chemistry, but- But.

Lust is not love.

But lust is not love. And, what just happened was something that I just can't ignore. Right. So that was something, being more honest, having some more kind of sit down, honest conversations about things. But I just didn't have the tools and the maturity to do it. Yeah.

Most people don't have that in their teens or twenties or even thirties.

No, they don't. Some people don't have it in their forties, honestly.

Even until it's almost like until they experience enough pain, then they say, okay, not that I experienced pain once. Yes, but I've experienced it multiple times.

Something has to change.

Now I gotta wake up.

Yeah. A sad thing that I see a lot in the comment section is a lot of people are just saying, well, there's just no point in being in a relationship or relationship song or I'm never going to be loved again. It's like, oh, I just want to give that person a hug and just say to them, like, you know, don't you see this is like, that's not the answer. That's just your fear. That's just your, your sadness.

Yeah. I have a, a friend who is very well known and very, extremely successful and well known and been married and divorced, has, you know, has older kids and, and things like that, and. has a lot of prospects, let's just say that, right? This person. But they, and I asked them and they're older and I asked them one time I go, you know, why even be in a relationship when, you know, your kids are older now, you've got your, you know, your mission, your purpose, you're doing so much with that and you've got great community and friendships, like you've got a lot of great stuff. why even be in a relationship? And they were like, because that's, that's the whole purpose of life, you know, it's like to be in great relationships, you know, and it's more than just friends and community and work. And it's like you want to be able to share these moments with someone on a deeper level than just, you know, having fun times with people and, you know, little affairs, as you might call it, like a couple two-month affair with this person, another two-month affair with this person, draining your energy everywhere, investing but then pulling them out and then investing again, it's just like, it's exhausting. And I think it's worth investing in to do these, these nine things that you talk about in your book, which ultimately they're just going to make your life better. Whether you're with someone or not, they're going to make you better.

Absolutely. Regardless of your relationship status. Exactly. 100.

And so, and by you saying, even if you say, okay, I don't want to be in a relationship, I don't want to work on these things. with myself, by loving myself, by learning how to speak up and tell the truth to myself and to other people, by doing these things, you're just gonna be a better human being. You're gonna be more attractive to someone who's in alignment with you as well.

100%.

And hopefully you'll be more safe and ready when you feel that alignment.

And again, I just want to reiterate, it's not perfection, it's not perfectly healed. It's telling the truth, it's being honest about who you are and what you want, and seeing if the two of you have what it takes to build something together and to raise your standards of yourself and of another person.

I don't like it when someone has high standards of their partner.

And not for themselves.

But they can be flawed and imperfect all day long.

Yes. No, it had, you know, we can say we can get really clear about what we want in a partner. We can know exactly the kind of relationship we want, the values, all of that. But if we're not willing to search deep inside ourselves to discover the ways in which we have to show up in order for that relationship to be possible, we are not going to be any closer to the relationship we want.

You've got these nine different hard truths, and one of them is also you must make peace with your parents.

Yeah, that's going to be an interesting one for people to read.

Why do you think we need to make peace with our parents in order to have a healthy, loving relationship with a partner.

So one thing that I explain in that chapter is just, because I want to put it out there, I don't believe that you have to forgive a parent that abused you or sexually abused you or anything like that. So I don't think, yes, you have to reach some level of peace with your past and work through therapy. So I do, I do put a disclaimer in there that I do think that there are certain circumstances where I do not I don't, you know, I think people who overcome that kind of thing, like those are the heroes to me. Those are not survivors to me. They're heroes. And it, and what, when I work with people like that who've gone through something like that, I try to help them see the hero inside themselves, not just the Survivor. But I never, ever, ever suggest, like, you know, reconnect with this person.

Yeah. Because being sexually or physically abused by a family member is probably gonna be one of the most psychological, you know, fracturing, damaging things that could ever happen to anything, right? Outside of like, I don't know, watching someone murder someone that you care about in front of you, like.

Or suicide.

Something like that.

Yeah.

Those instances. But someone that you came from who is then sexually or physically abusing you.

It's horrendous.

It's gotta be like, fracture you emotionally.

And psychologically, spiritually and physically. Or if it's the family friend, but.

Then the family, your family did not protect you. Exactly. There's a fracturing of the mind that happens. There's different fractures of the mind. If your parents are fighting all the time, if they get divorced, there's all these different fracturings where it's, you have to reclaim these parts of ourselves. You know, these wounded parts of us, it's the IFS system that's like reclaiming the internal family system. And, which as weird as it sounds, having a reparenting that wounded self inside of you.

To feel more whole, to feel more integrated.

To feel more integrated. And so it's not forgiving necessarily people that have done these things, which I'm hearing you say, if that's your choice. But you do say we have to make peace with these parents.

Yeah, well, so let's put that aside. Most people are actually just pissed off with their parents or have a troubling relationship with a parent. There's no abuse, but there's a troubling relationship. There's stuff there. And our relationships with our parents in childhood, they show up in our adulthood. Most people will marry their mother or their father. And sometimes it's not a bad thing. It's not like they're really like the good parts or like you have a great relationship with them. But oftentimes when people are not doing the self-awareness work they end up marrying like the parent with whom they struggled the most. -Wow.

-Because they want to fix it or.

They want to repair that. Yes. Well, there's, again, -It's familiar. -Whoever really figures this out will get the Nobel Peace Prize. But the various theories in the psychology world is that they're trying to, one is trying to then replay and rehash a scenario so that they can, the unconscious is trying to heal it. Why it ever really happens, I mean, That sounds like a good theory to me, but we're all very much a mystery still, right? So I had a very complicated relationship with my father, a very troubling relationship with my father. He recently passed away. He was a very famous psychiatrist in his field, wrote a book called the Difficult Child. And that was based on me.

Oh my gosh.

And yes, Wow. Yes.

That's interesting.

He wrote it in the 80s.

That's complex.

Very complicated.

Because he wrote a book based on you being a difficult child.

Yes. And the difficult child syndrome. So that did a number on me for sure. But it's all good. But my father was a very brilliant man, very brilliant mind, but suffered from severe mental illness. So he was a great psychiatrist, but he had severe bipolar disorder, like the very extreme kind.

Swings, big swings.

Yeah, and he also was a narcissist in the true sense of the word, not in the way that it's thrown around all the way. He was truly a narcissist diagnosed. And so he wasn't diagnosed when I was a child. So he self-med, and because he was a psychiatrist, unlike a psychologist, is an MD, they go through medical school. So he could, he just self-prescribed all these different medications and he, you know, drank. And so he was a ticking time bomb. And my mom, my mom was an amazing mom, but which is no fault of her own, but what she modeled to me was being an American, like having no self-worth.

No boundaries.

I mean, she was raised, you know, in like the 50s and 60s in South Africa, she's not an American, you know, like a very different culture and time and, and about women. And so it's all different. So she's in a relationship where there was a lot of emotional abuse, a lot of emotional abuse, a little bit of physical abuse. And my father, I was very afraid of him. He never laid a hand on me, but he was, you never knew what mood he was in.

Yeah, I know that feeling.

Never. So, and so two siblings can grow up in the same home, but have a very different childhood. I was a very, very sensitive child. I picked up on everything. And I think that maybe also when I was born, their marriage was like particularly bad. So I learned hypervigilance. I learned how to walk on eggshells. I learned, I was just, when they announced that they were getting separated and he was moving out, I was relieved and happy. Most kids are very upset when their parents are divorced. I rejoiced.

Yeah, me too.

You too?

Yeah.

There you go.

I was like hoping it was gonna happen way sooner.

Yes, there you go. And so because I found him very scary, he had a very dark energy. And so most of my life, even to my young adulthood, I was just avoiding him. So I was like the classic avoidant in my relationship with my father. And what happened was because I didn't know, I was so afraid of him and I didn't know how to assert myself and I didn't know how to have boundaries with him and I didn't have that sense of self. He did something that really pissed me off when I was 21 years old at just graduate college and I made a decision to never answer his phone again, call again. So I ghosted my father.

For how long?

Almost 15 years.

Oh.

And so I know firsthand the impact of estrangement. And I thought, well, if he, if I just don't, and my mom hated him, so that, you know, she didn't even try to encourage any sort of relationship. I thought if I just, if he just wasn't in my life and I didn't have to deal with him, I would be okay. But little did I realize that the impact of estrangement is actually quite profound and it's very unhealthy.

Someone being alive but you not being connected to them.

And even though there was a lot of manipulation and narcissism, it's one thing, the healthy thing to do is to learn how to relate to him differently with some boundaries. What I did was not the thing that was healthy for me. It was survival, but what I'm trying to convey is that it was not without serious consequences. And it's not like not having him in his life, in my life, it didn't eradicate the impact of what it would have in my relationships. So I ghosted him, but I was just haunted by his ghost. Wow. And so part of me going through that relationship with my husband and my mother dying and having to really grow up, I had to, for me growing up was, you don't have to be afraid of this man anymore. He can't harm you. You're not a little girl anymore who can't defend herself against dad. You have a voice and you can use it. and you can have boundaries. And so I swung in the opposite direction and then was like, it was all ego. And I explained this book, all ego, like you can't, and the book is very little about me and a lot about more other people, but this part I do talk about me. I was like, you can't talk to me like that, like that kind of stuff. And then I realized, okay, now I swung in the other direction. Where can I come into the middle? And it was around the time that he was really old and I started, and he apologized about the book and I started to think, you know, I don't have to be afraid of him anymore. Maybe I can know what it's like to forgive and maybe I can start to see that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree and there are certain wonderful things about him that I actually inherited. Wow. And then when he died, I got to heal that even more. And so that's part of, that's a long story, but yeah, that's part of it.

Wow.

So making peace, and for some people it's just making peace with the fact that they wanted you to be a doctor, but you're really an artist. And that's, and that you can still be an artist and your parent can maybe still love you, you know, and you can have these difficult conversations with your parents if you're able to.

Yeah, it's powerful. The book, it begins with you, the nine hard truths about love that will change your life. Make sure you guys get a copy or two. Get one for a friend who's also going through maybe a challenge in their relationship or who's single and struggling so they can have the tools to support them in their life as well. You've got an amazing podcast, Julian on Love podcast, a lot of great stuff. Your content on social media is amazing as well. But where should we go to support you for this book? It's your website, right? It's the main place.

Yeah, so it's jillianstarecki.com/book. Okay, cool.

It's all there. I'll have everything there for you. Yeah. Very excited for you. I hope people get the book and read it, because it's going to be extremely helpful for them. Thank you. And if someone's watching, feel free to leave a comment of your biggest takeaway below on YouTube and post about this on social media. Make sure to tag Jillian as well, wherever you're sharing this out. and send it to one or two friends, send it to one or two people and say, Hey, let's talk about this. What did you learn? Share it with them. A couple final questions. I think I asked you this before, but I'll ask you again. It's a question called the Three Truths. So imagine you get to live as long as you want, but it's your last day on earth and you have to take all of your work with you. So we don't have access to your book, your content, this interview, it's gone. But on the last day, you get to leave behind three lessons of all of your experiences in life. And this is all we would have to remember your content by. What would be those three truths for you?

That X that you're crying over is not as amazing as you think they are. Find something that lights you up and put your energy into it. It could be small, it can be big, anything that gives your life meaning. You're not going to be happy all the time, but as long as you have something that feels meaningful to you, that's going to make feel life worth it. And then three, call your mom, tell her you love her. Maybe that's not for everyone, or call your best friend, or call your sibling, tell people that you love them because, you know, life is fragile.

Yeah. Don't call your dad.

Call your dad. Call your dad. Call your mom. Call your partner. Tell them how much they mean to you. Don't put that off because I lost both my parents, I lost my step-parent, and I don't live in the regret. I really do. I practice a lot of self-forgiveness, and I know that my mom would really not like it if I was obsessing over this. But there's so many times that I wish that I had said certain things that I didn't say, and you don't get that other chance once they die. So call them. -Yeah. Not really profound today, but that's what came to my mind.

I appreciate you for creating this and for putting this out there. I know how hard it is to do a book. So I'm grateful that you have experienced so much life and sadness and suffering from many different relationships so that you could have the wisdom and the tools to share with us. So I appreciate you for your work and your, your service for helping so many people in relationships who are struggling and hopefully have more harmonious relationships. Final question, what's your definition of love?

It is something that when you give, it makes you a better person, and when you receive it, it makes you stronger. There you go.

Jillian, thanks for being here. Appreciate it. Powerful.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for being here. I hope you got some value from this episode as much as I did. if you did, please do me a favor and click the like button right now. If you like this, it's going to help share it out into the YouTube world even more for us. Please click that like button and leave a comment below on your biggest takeaway or if you have any questions that you want me to follow up with. Also subscribe to our channel because when you do, you help us book even bigger guests and I want you to have the best information out there in the world because that's what the School of Greatness all about. So make sure to subscribe right now, like this video, share a comment below on your biggest takeaway. And also, I've got some big news. A new book. If you're looking to create financial freedom in your life and you want more abundance and you want a richer life, then make sure to check out my new book, Make Money Easy. I think you're gonna love this and it's all about creating financial freedom. The link is below in the description or you can go to makemoneyeasybook.com. and check it out. One of you may be wanting to.

Work towards family and children.

The other one wants to travel the world.

Both people are afraid to talk about it. And so how do you get unstuck?

You actually go to the edge of.

The cliff and recognize that if you open up and they go, because that's the fear, that fear of a.