Do THIS Before You Commit to Anyone! Martha Higareda and Lewis Howes

When you are in panic mode, it's easier for your brain to go into thinking back. There was a time in which grandpa was very, very ill. I told you I'm struggling with this thing with Grandpa. And you said, hey, do you think we should buy this picture for a home? And in my mind immediately I went.

To this is a woman who has captured my heart, who has fully loved and accepted me for who I am as a human being. Acclaimed Mexican actress, screenwriter and producer, starring in hits like Thotus Khan and no Manchez Frida. Please Welco welcome Martha House.

There's moments in which you get used to an emotion. Over and over again, you repeat that emotion inside of you. It becomes you. Perhaps you don't want it to change because you're getting the attention that you need from being a martyr. A martyr means a person that is being unhappy and they refuse the support. They prefer to sit in the martyr situation. So you see how much I suffer.

If you're so overwhelmed and so stressed and I'm suffering so much in a relationship, why not just receive the support and set yourself free?

I believe it comes from two different things.

What we wanted to do today with everyone watching and listening is break down one of the books that we went through that really supported us in a big way. And this book is called 13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don't Do. It's by Amy Marin and the sub text is Fix what's Broken, Develop healthier patterns, and Grow stronger together. And I don't think we ever had anything to fix. It wasn't like we had something broken because we were starting the relationship and creating agreements and getting alignment and all these different things. But I think developing healthy patterns is something we were doing and also finding ways to grow stronger together. But also we wanted to make sure we weren't doing wrong things that mentally strong couples don't do. And so we went through this book a while ago and we wanted to break down step by step, the different things that mentally strong couples do not do. So I'm gonna let you hold the book.

Thank you.

And Amy Morin wrote this book and I think it's sold over a million copies. So this is a very powerful book that a lot of people have loved and has supported people in creating healthier relationships. And again, we're coming from this, from the context. This is a book that we went through. It's a process we went through. And it's really an opportunity to reflect on what's working or what's not working in relationship. Even if you're not in a relationship. It's thinking about how can I just become mentally stronger in general as a human being if I'm single, if I'm intimate with someone, if I'm married, if we're dating. And the first thing that I think that she talks about, that I think is really important is she says that mentally strong couples, they don't ignore their problems.

Yes.

Because if you ignore or sweep under the rug your problem, something is always going to be like, festering, something's going to be resentful, and you're always going to be frustrated with one another. And I think it's, it's such a great place to start because this is something I think we do well. And even we are reminded when we don't do it well. Even like last week, you had something on your mind. I don't remember what it was, but.

You had what it was. I was just thinking about.

It doesn't really matter what it is, but you had something on your mind that you didn't speak up about, that you were like, it's not like I did something wrong or you did something wrong, but it was something that was, like, bothering you.

Yeah.

You just didn't communicate about.

Yeah.

And you're like, ah, why is like my, I'm getting like a headache and my back of my neck is feeling like a little tension and painful. And every time that's happened for you, which is maybe like three times in the last few years.

Yeah.

It's because you haven't spoken up and there's a problem in your mind, whether it's an actual problem or not. Which. This wasn't a problem we had, but it was something you're just like, I just feel like I needed to talk about. But you ignored it for like two days.

Yes.

And you started to feel this.

It was like a whole week. I'm trying to remember what it was. Because it wasn't important. Like, meaning it wasn't important in the.

Way it wasn't an issue. But it was.

It wasn't an issue for us, but it was something that was bothering you.

It was like concerning you. And you just wanted me. You just wanted to talk about it.

Yeah.

And once you did, you're like, oh, I feel better.

Yes. And it was such an easy conversation.

And it was easy conversation. And so it's, it's. Ignoring your problems is going to become a bigger problem in your life, whether you're single or in a relationship.

Yeah.

And when we can create a healthy space of, hey, if there's ever an issue, let's address it sooner than later. Because we don't address it sooner, it's going to be a problem later.

I want to say it. That's the thing that I, that I've had to work with, that I really had to work with myself. It's not the. Like, I don't ignore the problems it in my life in general before I met you, but specifically because of the previous relationship, it was very hard for me to think about how to bring up a subject. Now, regardless, like, you know, you know, people in the past that I was with was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. So it makes you, as in the other end of the receiving of that type of personality, it makes you very worried about how to bring up a subject because you start walking on eggshells as a normal pattern in your life. So then what happens is, you know, I remember even when we started dating and we talk about it recently, for me to bring up something that I was feeling like this, you know, it doesn't feel whatever it was, the feeling even, even if it was a tiny feeling, I would think so much about how to bring it up, how to mention it, because I wasn't sure how you were going to react because I had come from a conditioned way of thinking. Everything, even the slightest little thing is going to create a blow up from you in the past. So then I was worried, very worried about how to anxious worry about how to bring it up without making you upset or, you know, thinking that there was something wrong when maybe it wasn't even anything wrong.

Yeah.

So I used to do this thing before that because I was conditioned that way that instead of talking about what the problem was, I would walk around the bushes and come up with all these different examples of all these different people. Remember that?

Yeah.

How do we call it? The salt and pepper example.

We were sitting at a restaurant one time and you were like, okay, I want to tell you a story. And imagine the salt is this thing and the pepper is this, and I am the pepper. And this is. And I was like, just tell me what the issue is. I was like, you don't need to explain some elaborate story analogies.

Yeah, just.

It's okay. Just tell me what's going on.

Yes. Yes.

And some people. And again, we had to learn how to create an environment and a safety where, hey, if there's something on your mind, I want you to tell me, but just let's learn how to communicate these things. In the previous episode, we talked about conscious conflict resolution yeah. Which is like when something in your mind say, hey, listen, there's something on my mind that I really want to talk about, and it's something that's upsetting me, and it doesn't need to be a big deal. Maybe it is a big deal, but I want to talk about it openly and lovingly, and I want to be curious about it not coming from a place of, you did this. You're wrong. I can't believe you. And shame on you, because that's not going to create a healthy resolution.

And also it's going to put the other person in defensive mode. Like, listen, you're calling me all these different things. I know. I'm a nice person. Person.

Yeah, exactly. And so I was just like, all we need to do. Just tell me what's going on. Yeah, just say it. You don't have to tell a long, elaborate story in analogies.

Yes.

Let's get to it.

Yeah.

And if we can agree on how to communicate issues or problems in a healthy way where it's fair, we both can receive it, then it should be fine. So instead of waiting for weeks or months to say, you did this and it hurt me.

Yeah. No, no.

It's going to cause more pain inside of you and resentment in you as well, because you're not communicating it. And instead of saying you did this right away and making the other person wrong because of some problem or issue, just come to it and say, hey, something's on my heart and on my mind and I want to talk about it. Yes, and I want to talk about it. And I want you to feel good and me to feel good throughout it. And at the end, are you open to that? You know, having this open conversation, it's not easy when you're stressed out and anxious about it. But I think if you set that from the beginning, it will make the. These problems be easier to manage as opposed to sweeping under the rug.

I think there's an easy example that I can think of, and she does very well explaining in the book different examples that she has with patients and in therapy and all of that. Bringing it home. I'm just going to give an example. There was a time in which Grandpa was very, very ill at the hospital. Right. And it was the first time he had ever been at the hospital. And for some reason, everybody flew in, in the city, you know, because everybod. This is it. Grandpa's gonna die. And I was stuck in Mexico shooting a movie, and I couldn't come here, so I was helping my mom in between takes, translate what the doctors were saying and all of that. And I was like, ah, panic mode. And I had. I told you I'm struggling with this thing with grandpa, blah, blah, blah. Then the day went by. And later, like, hours and hours later, you texted me a photo of a frame of a, you know, picture. Do you remember this? And you said, hey, what do you. Do you think we should buy this picture for our home? Like this picture frame, piece of art.

Okay?

Piece of art from our home. And I remember because this is the thing. One has to train ourselves. Like, we have to train ourselves. When you are in panic mode or in, you know, in whatever, any of these modes, it's easier for your brain to go into thinking badly very quickly of your partner or of anybody very quickly. It's easier because you don't have the normal filters that you have in life of, like, giving the benefit of the doubt to the other person, like, thinking they're coming from a good place. No, you're in panic mode. And so sometimes what happens is that, you know, this thing activates in you, that no matter what happens, you're. It's almost like you're not. You're not yourself at that moment. And in my mind, immediately, I went to, how insensitive. I can't believe he's not checking in with me to say, hey, how's your grandpa doing? I don't care about a piece of art. What is it? So it's easy to go there. What is he thinking? I don't understand. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I watched it. It's almost like I thank God I had the ability at that moment to step out and watch these thoughts unfold inside of me. And the other side of me, that is, the part of me that is conscious was like, I know Louis. Reason number one, we've never been in this situation. He doesn't know how to deal with this. Perhaps maybe he's sending me this to distract myself so I don't. I'm not overly stressed or thinking about this. Another option he forgot. And that's okay, you know, like, there's so many options, A, B, C, D, that you can think before thinking. The worst case scenario of a person that loves you. Right?

Yeah. I think it's asking what you need, saying, hey, here's what I would love. You know, I'm going through this right now. I'd love for you, or if you're not getting what you need, ask for it.

Yes. And this is exactly what happened. So I remember I went through that And I just said to myself, you know what? No, he was just either any of these option A, B and C and D before this. Last. Last option. Right. Because in general, in our relationship, I know you are thoughtful, you are caring, you are loving. Like you do all these things naturally. So why would I think. Oh, yeah, malevolently, just today, he decided to hurt me the most by thinking in sending this message to me. So then I'll be. Feel hurt. That's not. What is that. Right.

Exactly.

So. But I still had it inside of me, and I didn't know how to bring it up. Right. Because it still kind of affected me. And so. And I remember we had a very beautiful conversation about it. It was really short. That's the thing. It doesn't need to be too long. And it was like, you know, love. This happened. And I felt this way, you know, because I said, you're. I started with, like, you're always very.

Thoughtful, but you weren't yesterday. Yeah, but.

Which is why it surprised me.

Yeah. Yeah.

That, you know, yesterday, that it was such a hard thing you, you know, it felt like you weren't. But I know it probably was any of these reasons, but I just want to let you know. And you said to me, what do you need from me? And I'll, you know, I'll do what you need right now.

Exactly. And then for me, you know, and that I can't remember exactly the whole situation, but I remember you telling me what happened on the phone and me being like, I'm so sorry you're going through this and listening to you. And then, you know, after however many, I don't know, 10, 20 minutes, the conversation was done and you went back to your family. For me, I'm like, I'm being present. I'm listening to you. It's what you need. Okay. I'm kind of helpless in the meantime. Like, what can I do? And I also went through a similar situation where my. My grandfather back in the day was like, in and out of the hospital for, I don't know, different years as he was getting older. And inside of me, I'm also like, oh, this is the first time I know he's okay. In my heart, I was like, he's okay. I know he's okay.

Yeah.

Like, I know what they're talking about, and I know he's okay. And so I just wasn't thinking other than that to be like, let me check in every 10 minutes to make sure. How you feeling? How are you feeling when the whole family is in chaos.

Yeah. The whole family.

How are you feeling? How you feel? Are you okay? It's like, I know. People just need to go through their process.

Yeah.

And then at night I can ask you, how you feeling? But, you know, I'm also not the guy who's going to be texting every hour. I hope you're okay in this month.

It was a really good conversation because. Because I got to express myself in a conscious way and say what you needed because. But this is the thing. This is why I think it's important to take space. Like, if. If you react immediately to however you're feeling, and especially in this situation, that it was a hospital situation, you're most likely gonna react poorly.

Yeah.

And in my mind, I was thinking this. So then I took my time. So that was good. Then I approached the conversation by saying to you.

Is what I mean.

Not before that. It was saying to you, like, you. You're so thoughtful. You do all of these things and you do. And then, then I. Then I told you, hey, but you.

Didn'T do this today.

It was just.

And it felt weird.

And then I told you how I felt. So it was not like, oh, you ignored me the whole day.

I don't know.

I'm just saying words. But instead of that, it was like, I. I felt alone. Could you please check in with me more?

Yeah. And I was like, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel alone. It's not my intention.

It was not your. I know it. So we tend to assume is the other person's intention.

Yeah. And when you communicate and say, tomorrow, can you check in with me a couple times throughout the day? Then I know what to do.

Yes.

What you need.

Yes.

But if you don't communicate it, they're just going to be frustrated.

Then there's the other thing. Very quickly, when it says don't, they don't ignore their problems. Another thing that sometimes happens, and it doesn't happen with us, but I've heard it happening to other people, is when people have a problem and they sweep it under the rug and they never get to talk about it.

They don't get to the root of it.

They don't get to the root of it, or to try to understand, let's say they explode with each other. Something happens, it becomes an argument. Nobody says, I'm sorry. And then they behave the next day or even like a few hours later, like it never happened.

They don't address to the root of it.

They don't get to the Root of it creates. I mean, for you. I mean, if you think about it, I feel frustrated.

But like, why, why did we just argue and we just swept under the rug and we never got to the result of it? We never got to, like, a solution. I'd feel. I feel a little anxious. I'd feel frustrated. I feel resentful. All these things. That's how I would feel to be like, I need to talk about this. And if you don't want to talk about it, then what are we doing?

Right.

It'd be frustrating. I feel like I didn't have a partner, you know, so.

And what happens when they talk about it constantly or let's say not frequently, but you've brought up something and you brought up something and it doesn't get addressed? They say, yeah, yeah, I hear you. I'm here for you. I understand. And it continues to happen.

It'd be tough.

It'd be tough, yes.

Very tough.

But this happens. This happens in relationships.

Yeah.

Yeah.

13 things mentally strong couples don't do. That's one of them. They don't ignore their problems. The next thing is, I'm not going to go through all 13 of these. Probably I'm going to pick a few of them. The next one is they don't keep secrets.

Ooh, that's a good one.

Why do you think married couples or couples should keep any secrets?

I think should keep any secrets.

You think couples or married couples should keep any secrets? Is there any secrets you should keep?

I don't think so. I don't think so. I think there's two different aspects here. One is, how do I say this? Being absolutely, completely transparent about everything you do and say and think. That's one thing. And another thing is being honest, which I think is different.

So should you be one or the other?

I think there's some things, for example, there are thoughts or things that can harm the other person that you. You might as well just keep them inside of you.

Okay.

Like, why would you share those things? If it's something that you need to work on and you are consciously working on those things.

Yeah.

To what purpose or what end are you going to bring it to the other person? That's what I'm talking about, transparency. Like being 120% transparent with everything. You think you don't need that? No. Because you may change tomorrow, you know, whatever it is that you're working on.

But honest is.

Honesty is important. Yeah, yeah. And then I think in general, like, if, if I start thinking in the terms of like, ooh, I should keep this a secret from Lewis. That tells me this is something that I'm like, there's a line here that is getting, that could be getting into like the dangers. Why would I keep that from you?

Right.

You know, oh, unless there's something that perhaps is not integrous or is not. Ah, so then, then it's a self conscious exercise that you go, no, you know, what do you think?

Yeah, I don't think you should keep secrets.

Yeah. No.

I also said from the beginning, when I first started dating you, I was like, I'm going to be honest about everything and you may not like it, so hopefully you can receive it and take it.

Yeah.

And. And I was just like, you know, you asked me like stuff early on that I was like, you sure you want the answer?

I know, I remember.

I was like, here it is. And you're like, okay, like, all right. And so I think you have to. I think the other person has to prove that they can receive honesty and really take it in.

I am so happy you're touching on that subject because this is something that.

Because if I'm honest with someone, you know, if I was honest with you in the beginning about certain stuff, like my past, certain things maybe I'm not proud of or whatever, and I'm like, oh, I really don't want to share certain things. But if you ask me a question and I can either say, are you sure you want the answer? Or I kind of don't want to share, but if you want it, I'm going to tell you the truth. But if you hear the truth and you don't like it, it's kind of on you now because you've asked for the truth. And so if you can't handle it, if you're reacting or something, that's so crazy. Ah, I can't believe you. Ah, that's hurtful. But I'm like, this is something that happened in the past.

So you mean like you shared something and people reacted and you react to it?

The truth. It's not going to make the person want to share the truth in the future? No, it's going to make them want a person want to hide or like hold back certain things because the other person cannot receive the truth. And I said to you, I'm going to be honest with you from the very beginning. I was like, I'm going to be honest with you, but you got to be willing to receive it. You can't like scream at me or shame me or whatever it is like, be like, I can't believe you thought that way. Whatever it is, you have to be like, okay, I hear you. You don't have to love it, but you have to be willing to receive it.

I have a. I have a good friend that said to me once she confided in me about something that was going on in her relationship in which her partner, after being together for a while, trusted her into telling her, listen, I did a couple of things, you know, that it's hard for me because I've been struggling having it inside of my heart, and now I'm bringing it up to you and I want to share this with you. And she, you know, share the story with me. She said, I was so angry. I was so upset. I can't believe. And she went into the thing of, like, why is it that all this time you didn't share it? And it wasn't like years. I'm just talking about months, like, not, not even like a few months. And she reacted that way, like, you know. And I understand the reaction, by the way, because, you know, depending on how you grew up, where you're coming from and where you are in life at that moment, and somebody sharing something that hasn't shared with you before could trigger insecurities inside of you. The path that she chose was to make him wrong for having shared that. And she asked my opinion. And I was like, you really want to know my opinion? She's like, yes. I said, well, I think what he did is an act of love. What? And I said, yes, he did. I think at that moment when he finally decided, after struggling with himself, to be honest with you and telling you, you know, what happened and it wasn't. I'm not talking about infidelity. I'm not.

Right, right.

I'm talking about something from the past.

Before they met.

Yes. When they were not together. So I said, he was trusting you. He was literally trusting you at that moment. Hey, this. This is me. It's almost like taking off your clothes. Like, I'm naked here in front of you. And instead of embracing it, you went into, I can't believe you. I can't believe you did this. And not only, this is wrong. How horrible. Shame on you.

So it doesn't make you want to be honest in the future. It makes you second guess, should I share this or not?

Yes. So I said, be careful because now it's going to be very hard for him to share and open up in other things in life, anything in general in the future, because we got this As a precedent that you can't take him.

Yes.

So we got to be our heart enough, big enough, and open the space for the other person to be 100%.

Don't keep secrets. But you don't have to be fully transparent about every thought you have in your mind.

No. Can you imagine?

No. It'd be crazy.

Especially about emotions and things. Emotions come and go. If you're, like, telling every single emotion you have to the person you're with, blah, blah, blah, all these things. And now I feel like this, and.

I feel a lot.

It's going to be a lot.

The next thing is, I think one of the most important steps is what mentally strong couples don't do is they don't hesitate to set boundaries.

Yes.

And I think from the very beginning, we. I mean, I was very clear on my side that I needed boundaries in my relationship.

Yeah.

And I was clear with you that I didn't feel like I had those in previous relationships. Same with you.

Yeah.

And I was just like, this is who I was. So I was almost, like, trying to get you to run away from me. Not in a bad way, but I was like, this is who I am. This is what I think. This is what I believe. This is how I act. This is how I behave. I'm not willing to do this. I am willing to do this. I was like, I don't care what you think of me. This is who I'm going to be and take it or leave it, you know, type of mentality.

It was so clear because, you know, in the past, you dated very.

Yeah. I was just like, I was never able to really be me without someone getting upset at me. So I felt like I had to keep the peace by changing who I was all the time. And it was exhausting trying to keep the peace. And I think the best way to have peace in your life is to create boundaries and to hold onto those boundaries and to set a firm boundary on certain things. And I was just very clear early on. And it's not like this was ever an issue that we had to address something, but I was like, listen, one boundary for me is I will not be in a relationship where anyone screams, period.

Oh, yeah. No, thank God.

And so if you like to scream at me, it's not going to happen. We're not going to be there.

And I just come from a relationship in which I was the receiving end of a lot of screaming.

Yeah, me too.

I was like, oh, I don't want this.

And I was just so. I was just Clear, like here are boundaries for me. Like, it can't even be a little bit that then gets more and more and more. So it has to be a clear boundary. There's no screaming, there's no this. There's. This doesn't work for me. That doesn't mean you have to be perfect with your emotions all day long. I'm not saying that. But there are certain things that we should not accept. You shouldn't accept me to scream at you. You shouldn't accept me to do whatever other things too that don't make sense for you. And it's just being very clear about that. And I think we were really good in the first year, year and a half when we started in therapy, which I think was another powerful thing. We were clear on those boundaries by creating agreements. And I think that made the relationship for me at least feel safer and same for you. And one of the things that we also did, we started making boundaries in our individual lives as well, really, in the last couple years. So we created boundaries with each other and then as boundaries with friends, family, colleagues, worker, you know, all these different things in life to continue to protect our energy in the relationship and outside of the relationship, work, whatever it might be. Just finding ways to continue the skill of boundary setting.

Yes.

To create more peace and freedom inside. And I think both of us love people, like people, we want people to be happy. And we both overextended ourselves.

We have been people pleasers in the.

Past, both in people pleasers in the past. We've both overextended ourselves to try to make everyone happy around us, everyone feel good around us by sometimes giving more than making our and not making ourselves feel good or feeling frustrated in the process. And really, in the last couple years, we both had to learn the hard way. Okay, we had it figured out with us, but we didn't have it figured out with everyone else. And it was like both of us in the same timeline were just doing it one after one after one, just creating boundaries. And it has given us so much more peace and freedom in life. And so, you know, just because you're in a loving, beautiful relationship with someone doesn't mean you don't need to create a boundary with them around something.

How do you think it's the best way to create a boundary or the.

Way that works for you, a loving boundary, and say, hey, listen, this is something. And then. And when you do it early on and you communicate it early on in relationship, you don't just give in to everything. It's Easier. It's harder to create a boundary 2, 5, 10 years in when you've never created one. But from the beginning, we did that with each other. Hey, this is something I want. You know, you said, this is what I want to create in the next two and a half years. If we're dating, like, I want to get married the next couple years. I want to start building a family in the next two, three, four years. Is that something you want? And if it's not something I wanted, you'd have been like, okay, see you later. It would have been a boundary for you if you're not at least open and interested in that same vision. And if you would have said, well, maybe he'll change. Maybe he'll be open to it once he falls in love with me in a few months.

Maybe I'll convince him.

Maybe I can. Maybe I'll fix his mentality and he'll want to do it in three, four years. And the three, four years comes and I haven't proposed and we're not engaged and we're not married, and I'm not speaking about family. You would be resentful and frustrated. You'd be. You should be, like, nagging at me constantly. You'd be like, why aren't you doing this? Why aren't you doing this? Underneath? It's because I wasn't meeting an expectation. Because you didn't set a boundary.

Yes.

You maybe communicated. You maybe said, this is my dream. What do I want? And I'd be like, yeah, I'm open to it. But if you didn't really dig in and be like, do you want this? Are you clear?

Yeah.

And. And if I didn't want it, you could have been like, okay, this is. This relationship doesn't work for me. That's a boundary, and it's a loving boundary. You don't have to yell at someone or shame them, just, all right, it doesn't work. And that's okay.

Yeah. It's. The thing is that you. Because in the past. I struggled in the past with setting boundaries because I've been a people pleaser.

Yeah.

And. And it's.

Most people are.

Most people are.

Most people are.

Yeah. It's hard sometimes.

It's hard sometimes because you want to be light, but you want people to, you know?

But I think it does come to self acceptance.

Yes.

And being okay with walking away from.

Walk away.

Seriously.

It's like, walk away.

Walking away from that situation.

That's it.

From that scenario. Because. And you. And you. And knowing you're Going to be okay. Because at the end of the day, you're going to be okay.

Yes.

So why would you be in a relationship or in a situation in which you guys are not aligned and yet you have the hopes that this thing is going to change and you are not setting a boundary because you don't want to have ruffle the waters.

Yeah.

You just start resenting inside of you. That's a big invoice. You're going to charge later.

And if you can. Yeah. And if you could do this, you know, in the first six months or first year of a relationship, start doing some of these things, it's going to set you up for more success.

Yeah.

If you wait two, three years in and you never have any of these conversations and you never do any of these things, you are just going to be two years in and feeling like this problem's everywhere.

Yeah.

You, like, went in. Everything was, like, beautiful. And we love each other and the chemistry and explosion and passion. But if you don't address these things.

Early on, I just remember the. The Vegas example and the. And then our friend that shared with us, remember that it's. It's a couple that got divorced, and he had a big opening and event that he was going to have with the chef. He was excited about going to this event. And his partner was like, wait a second. But this is the same weekend we're moving in together. So we're moving in together and you also have this event. And it was just an evening, a few hours, and he was just sharing with us. I decided not to go to the event that I was very excited about.

It's a big event.

It was my passion event. He decided not to go in order to please someone who he's no longer with, by the way, because it didn't work out because of these things. He didn't set a boundary. And it was beautiful because he said, that's on me. I didn't set a boundary.

Yeah. I didn't go and communicate I'm doing this and allow her to be upset. And he said that set the precedent for our entire relationship. Because I gave in once to make her happy, and then I gave in. Every time that I wanted to do something, she needed me, there was a breakdown. So I always gave in to try to keep the peace. And then that's not setting a strong foundation.

No.

And so don't hesitate to set boundaries. Is a big one. The next one is don't become a martyr.

What is this such a good one.

What does this mean? Why do mentally strong couples not become martyrs?

We've learned this and during our preparation, as before getting engaged and then, you know, before getting married. But some people misuse the word sacrifice and we know, and we're going to learn it even more as being married. But a long term relationship does require some sacrifices. And it doesn't mean something that is going to feel like, oh my God, my arm is caught. Like, meaning like, ah, this was such a strong thing that I had to let go in order to make this person happy. Just like we were saying. No, it's little things like this. Well, you know, I have my time to work out. I have my time to run my business. And then maybe, you know, lately I've been playing pickleball a lot, but now we have a child and I actually want to spend time with our children. Maybe I want to sacrifice this one day that I used to play pickleball to be with my family. And then you realize it's not a sacrifice because you're a sacrifice.

I will never give up on pickleball.

I love that you played pickleball.

I will never.

No, it's just the first thing that came to my mind.

Yeah, of course.

But you realize, or you're like, I'm.

Going to get up earlier, I'm going to do something else.

Maybe I can change the pickleball thing. In the morning, I'll call my friend and see if we can play. But those are the sacrifices we're talking about, right? Somebody gets sick. Okay, well, that's a sacrifice. When he becomes a martyr.

What does a martyr mean?

In a relationship, a martyr means a person that is being unhappy in their life and you're offering help to them. I'm going to help you with this. Do you need support? I'll bring somebody to help you. You need this. You're struggling with this. And they refuse the support because they are. It's almost like subconsciously they prefer to sit in the martyr situation. So you see how much I suffer for us and the relationship.

And I'm not willing to receive support unless it's like you sacrificing more to like be miserable with me.

When they, when they become competitive in the. Because it happens to men and it happens to women, they become competitive. The woman starts saying, I am so tired. I'm, you know, I'm taking care of the kids. I also have a job. I'm doing all these things. I'm putting all my efforts. I'm making you food. I'm all this, I'm exhausted. And then the man says, well, I've been working on this, trying to bring more money to the household. I'm doing all these things. I suffer more than you. No, you suffer more than me. And you start. You're literally taking an accountability of who is suffering more. And you're making the other person the subject of all your suffering. Yet when the other person tries to support you, you say no, because I.

How do I explain why weren't people receive their support if they're in a.

Martyr position, why wouldn't they receive the support?

Yeah, why won't you receive it? If you're so overwhelmed and so stressed and have suffering so much in a relationship, why not just receive the support and set yourself free?

I believe it comes from two different things, but this is my personal belief. Again, I'm not an expert, but this is what I think. I think one of them is. Sometimes it can happen to all of us. There's moments in which you get used to an emotion over and over again. You repeat that emotion inside of you. It becomes you. It becomes your reality and your version of reality. And when a solution is being offered to change that, perhaps you don't want it to change because you're getting the attention that you need from being a martyr, in this case, from being a victim of what's happening. It's almost like a subconscious game that inside of you. You want to be freed of this, but subconsciously you don't want to because you are getting the attention that you want by saying, look at all what.

I'm doing and look at my suffering.

Look up my suffering. And the other thing is, because your suffering perhaps is validating you, your existence. Because if I get help, if I do these things, then why am I here?

For I'm not needed anymore.

Then I'm not worthy. So it's all. Obviously, I think it's subconsciously that I think this is happening inside. If you. If you help me, and I'm used to arguing with you, and unless there's an argument in my life, I don't feel alive because I'm used to all the chemicals and the emotions that argument brings. I don't want to change that because this is me. If I don't have these things. No, I mean, I don't.

You want to change it, but it's your identity.

You say you want to change it, but you really don't want to change it because it has become your identity. It literally has become. I think. And so it kind of like comes both ways. Chemically. Chemically, you're feeling the emotions, and unless you feel those emotions, you don't feel alive. And the other thing is, if I get all the help and all the stuff, how am I going to get the emotions I was getting for being a martyr? And if I get the help, then am I really worth as a person?

Yes.

Because perhaps me being a martyr proves that I exist, that I'm worthy of your love and recognition and validation. I don't know.

Don't become martyrs. That's going to make your relationships suffer for sure. The next one is they don't use their emotions as weapons.

Would you want to say an example of that one?

Not using your emotions weapons?

Yes.

I don't feel like I have a lot of extreme emotions.

No, you don't.

That I would use as a weapon. So I don't know if I understand this, but I have had previous relationships where, you know, the people I chose would use like the silent treatment emotion was like not talking to me for days as like a weapon. It's like, I'm not going to speak to you, I'm not going to talk to you, or I'm going to explode on you if I think you did something wrong.

Would you know, Would they tell you what you were?

Maybe, maybe not. But it's just more of like using as a weapon to try to get, I guess, me to come back and apologize or like, do something differently. But really it was like trying to get me to change the person I am to make them feel safe. And then if I would change, they would keep doing it to change more and more until I've just become a shell of a person. So using either like a screaming or a sadness emotion or a silent treatment emotion to try to manipulate or weaponize relationship dynamics, that's a manipulation. I think it's very. Yeah, it's very destructive. It's exhausting. It's confusing. It's emotionally scary. All these things. It doesn't make you feel like you have a safe nervous system. When the person you love and have committed to emotionally, sexually, spiritually, all these different things, if they're playing emotional games with you and if they're not just communicating consciously, hey, I've got an issue with this. Can we talk about it?

Yeah.

And I think that's what, you know, mentally strong couples don't do is they don't weaponize their emotions. They communicate their emotions calmly or at least consciously. Maybe you're not going to be this perfect, like, ah, you're hurt me and I'm going to be loving towards you right now, but you're going to say, listen, something's really bothered me, and I want to speak to you about it. I don't want to get angry. I want us to have a calm conversation. But I'm really heightened emotion, and I want to feel safe. Can you listen to me for a little bit? It's like learning how to approach emotional subjects without weaponizing your emotions.

I didn't have an experience in the past of, like, the silent treatment.

Yeah.

That's got to be horrible.

Yeah. It's not fun.

It's not. These are things that highly narcissistic people use, and in my mind, I think they're using them to tame you. Like if you're training a dog or something. It's horrible. But however, I did experience this type of thing. I'm sharing something, and the person saying, don't bring this up because it makes me angry. And you know it does. And then, you know, and then you end up not discussing that thing that you really wanted to bring up.

Yeah.

And so then there's. They're weaponizing the emotion. This thing makes me angry. If you bring it up ever. I'm just. Whatever.

Sure.

So then there in. Little by little, you start quieting your voice.

Yeah.

Like, it really starts happening.

Yeah. And in the previous episodes we did, we talked about, you know, conscious conflict resolution.

Yeah.

Like learning how to resolve conflict and not saying, don't speak about this ever. Or this makes me angry every time you say this.

Yeah.

There are probably, like, things that, like, frustrate me, or maybe I'm like, huh? I don't want to have this conversation right now. But if it's important to you, and if we either say, hey, can we set a time to talk about this? If this is not a good time, can we schedule a time today, tomorrow to talk about this? Something's on my heart or my mind, and I want to open up about it. And if we come to a place, like, we've talked about this before, whenever there is something on our heart or mind, we try to always talk about the good in the other person first. Like, hey, there's something bothering me right now. But, gosh, I'm so grateful for you and how you show up for me and you're always this, this, this in a positive way. But there's something that's been on my heart and mind that I just want to speak about that's frustrating me. I think when we lead with acknowledging so much of the good, it doesn't have to be a thousand things but acknowledging like, you showed up this week in a beautiful way, all here, here, here. But there's one thing that is, like, on my mind. I just want to talk about it. It's less threatening, you know what I mean? It's less like, otherwise you only bring up a problem or something that's on your heart and mind and you don't speak about the good. It makes the other person feel less valued for all the hard work they're putting in into the relationship to try to show you love, care, support, patience, presence, all those things. And I just think you succeed in relationship more when you acknowledge the person and express gratitude towards the person before you bring up some challenge you're facing.

Yes.

I just think you're always going to do it.

Yeah.

You're always getting to feel more love instead of frustration and resentment. So they don't use their emotions as weapons. And the next thing I think is massive, which is they don't try to fix each other. And we, you know, we have married friends that, you know from the beginning of their relationship that, you know, the woman will say, you know, he was a project and I wanted to like, oh, my goodness. Yeah, I wanted to help him and I wanted to fix him. There was. I saw issues in him that I wanted to, like, help him overcome it. And I think that's coming from a good heart and a good intention. But you can't go into a relationship trying to fix or solve the other person's problems or pain. Maybe that bonds you in the beginning and allows you to develop some type of relationship where you're like, saving the person and they really feel taken care of and you're taking care of them and this like, bonding experience. But that's not healthy.

No. Because then it starts becoming a fusion.

Oh, yeah.

And then when it becomes a fusion, it goes from a bond to a fusion. Then what happens is you literally create a codependent relationship in which one person is dependent of the other one in order for, you know, me to feel taken care of and helped and seen. You can fix me.

Yes.

Right. Like, I need you. I literally need you to feel safe and seen. And then.

And the fixer.

And then the fixer, that's the codependent person. It's like, that's the person that in order for them to feel worthy, they need somebody that really needs them. So they kind of like blend each other perfectly in a bad way. Because. Because it creates a fusion that is not healthy.

Yes.

And one, the dependent needs the codependent in order to create These things and what really you are creating is a prison around the two of you. And the other thing is, I remember back in the day in therapy because I was struggling with this same relationship we're talking about. I was so confused about all these jumping different emotions, all this anger and all this that I wasn't experienced, but I was like, the receiving side of it. And so then I was coming from a good place into saying, hey, read this book. Hey, listen to this podcast. Hey, why don't you do this? Hey, why don't you do that? And I remember my therapist said at the time, you don't realize what you're doing. It's coming from a good place because it comes from a really good heart. But you're putting yourself above this other person. This other person doesn't want you to be their coach. They don't want you to be their therapist. They want you to be their partner. Considering that this person had issues. And she said, listen, we're going to discuss these other issues that are narcissistic, but, like, in reality, this is a lesson for you to learn that it's not your job to fix him. It's not your job. What are you doing? You are not only going to end up resenting all the time and all the effort that you're putting, but also he's going to end up resenting you because you're putting yourself above him. Meaning, I know better. I have the knowledge. I have the books, I have the podcast. You learn from me. And I had never seen it that way because I always thought I'm coming from this place of being helpful.

But just like, yeah, and it's like, if you're trying to fix someone, you don't accept them for who they are.

Yeah.

And if you don't accept them, you shouldn't be with them. I don't think you should. It's either accept the person you're choosing to be with. Like, get to know the person before you fuse with them. Sexually, emotionally, psychologically. Don't fuse or bond with someone before you get to know them. Once you get to know them and you see if their words and their behaviors are in alignment, match. If they match actions and words, then you have to ask yourself, can I fully accept this person's personality? All of them stuff when they're stressed and overwhelmed. Have we traveled? Have we been around friends and family? Like, can I accept their personality? If I can't, I shouldn't try to fix them, and I shouldn't be with them if I can't accept them. And that's hard for people because you might feel loving emotions towards someone. You might feel chemical emotions. You might feel like, I love being around this person. It makes me feel alive. But if you can't accept them, why are you with them? Why are you choosing to be with them? And if so, it's either accept them and be with them, but if you're trying to be with someone and you want to fix them all the time, it's just a recipe for frustration.

They are going to risk, resent you for trying to fix them, and you're.

Gonna resent them for not changing for.

Yeah. I'm putting all this effort, and you're not changing, and they're not.

They're not living up to the changes you want to see in them. They never will.

Yeah.

So maybe if they do, on their.

Own love with them, you fell in love with the projection, the potential of.

What they could be in your mind, a fantasy of a person that's not real. And they probably will never get to that fantasy unless they break up with you. And two years later, they realize, oh, I want to transform for me also.

Unless they evolve in the relationship. Because, for example.

Yes.

My parents met when my mom was. They got married. She was 19 and he was 20. Can you imagine how much they.

But they both had a growth mindset.

Yeah, they did.

They both had a willingness to want to grow on their own, not for the other person. Maybe they wanted to become better for their family, but it was like a desire that I want to become a better man. You want to become a better woman. We just want to be better in life. And that other part, the partner benefits from that growth mindset. But if you're going.

They also went through things. I'm just saying, like, in general, the stories that my parents.

Yeah, they were 19.

Literally, they were children.

Exactly.

But at the same time, they had the love. This is the thing my mom says, although I got married when I was 19, I asked your dad the hard questions early on. Early on.

And I'm not saying you shouldn't encourage your partner to. To, like. You encourage me to take supplements. You encourage me to do healthy things. When I'm like, at midnight, I'm like, I want to order some Pinkberry right now. You're like, you sure you want that right now?

Yeah.

That's what you don't tell me. Don't do it. You say, you sure you want this? You really want this?

Yeah.

And sometimes I'm like, yeah. And other times I'm like, Actually, I don't want it.

Yeah.

So there's encouragement and. And then there's trying to fix and control. And I think when you can be open about that and say, hey, in this relationship, I want to be my best, I'm going to be willing to grow constantly. It doesn't mean I'm going to do what you want me to do all the time. And I want you to be your best, and I'm going to encourage you to grow as well. And I think that's the spirit of growth, is where it becomes more beautiful, I think, than if you just say, I wish he. Or I wish she understood this and was better. Don't get in a relationship unless, you know, like, hey, people are complicated. They're complex. They're going to evolve.

In their own timeline, they are going to evolve.

And if you can't accept that, don't get intimate. Just be friends. Because you're going to have these high expectations that you'll never meet or be.

Okay, that you're going to suffer for.

A while or just be okay. Sometimes this is who they are. This is the person you've chosen.

My dad used to say this about my mom when she, she. She has a very explosive personality in my dad also. Both of them.

Yeah.

And so sometimes my mom would go into all these explosions, and I was young, and I would tell my dad, dad, but why is it that she's behaving this way? Right. And my dad said to me, what's going on right now is that you want to change your mom. You want to change your mom, but you're not accepting your mom. Yes, I know your mom. This is the woman I married. She behaves this way. And all I think about at that moment when she explodes this way is that she's being a little girl. And then inside of me, I feel a lot of compassion for the little girl that I know she grew up with basically both of her parents not being with her.

Yeah.

And so this is how I think. My dad has never gone to therapy, but he was already. He already figured out that his compassion, compassionate side of him was coming forward to see the little girl in my mom, although she was, you know, whatever, 40 at the time, whatever, he saw the little girl coming out and he knew how to step aside and watch it and be there for her. Yes, but they figure it out. Like there's a moment, but. And then later in life, my mom started catching herself. And sometimes she doesn't, and sometimes she does, but he says, you're trying to change Your mom. I'm walking with your mom in life.

Yes.

This is where she is right now. So I think that's beautiful.

I want to share the. I'm going to go through the next few and just say them, and then we're going to go over the final two.

Yes.

Because we're getting close to the end of our time. So I'm just going to list these out because there's a lot people could go through, but there's also the book they can get 13 things mentally strong Couples don't do, where they can go through all these different steps.

Yeah.

And it's all about fixing what's broken, developing healthier patterns, and growing stronger together. So I'm just going to list these few. They don't try to communicate with disrespect.

Yeah.

Again, I don't want to go into this right now, but whenever couples disrespect each other, it just creates resentment and so don't communicate with disrespect. And it might be challenging to do, but this is just a key foundation. We don't do this. And if we did, we probably wouldn't be together if we were just disrespecting you all the time. The eighth thing is they don't blame each other for their. For their problems. Again, big one. If you have a problem, you can't blame your partner for it. You've got to take ownership of your life and stop being a victim.

You know what happens, love, is that when. And this I've learned, and I think it's also in the book when. When you have a problem, even if it's a tiny one. Right. Let's say you're driving and you're late because there's a lot of traffic. Right. And when you're in that problem, you're going to blame traffic. It's easier to blame someone else than to say, oh, I should have left earlier. But when you have your partner with you and you're stuck in traffic and you are late, it's easier to blame your partner and say, you should have been earlier. You took forever to find your purse, whatever it was. It's easier because the. I don't know. How do you say this in English, but the amygdala, like the. This part of your brain. Yes. That goes into fight or fight, the flight or fight mode. It's. It's so quick to find the next thing next to you to blame it on. So sometimes it also could be in a bigger way. If you're going through a hard Time in your life for something that if, let's say you're frustrated with your job, with your work, let's say this doesn't happen. But like, let's say you're frustrated with your work or with a specific person about, you know, your work, and if I was to come close to you at that moment and I'm not careful, let's say the scenario hasn't happened, but it would be easier for you to relate that whatever the frustration you feel in that moment has to do with me just because I'm close to you. You know what I'm saying? But it's because. Because the brain does this chemistry thing.

Yeah, exactly. Don't blame each other for your own problems. The next one really quickly is they don't forget why they fell in love. And I think always remembering why you fell in love with the person in front of you. And if you fall. If you remember that I fell in love because they were attractive or something, just like a sexual chemistry thing just got to be challenging. In the future, you need to say, I fall in love with the full person in front of me and accepting the personality of the person. Otherwise you're going to be frustrated constantly. So don't.

And sometimes that. That thing can be. You know, people fall in love with the adventurous personality of somebody, and then later they are resentful because that adventurous personality is traveling all the time and they want to try the next thing. And you're like, well, but that is the first reason you fell in love with this.

I know. The next thing is they don't expect the relationship to meet all their needs. And this is something that so many people do. And Esther Perel talks about this beautifully, that he's. You know, people get into marriage or relationship and thinking that they're supposed to be your lover, your business partner, your best friend, your therapist, your coach, you.

Know, aren't you all those things for me? I'm kidding you. You're not, you know. No, no.

But it's like when you expect it. And something we've done really well is, you know, you do this beautifully because you have so many girlfriends in your life. You have your mom, you have your family that you talk with. You have activities outside of me that are just yours. You have your career, you have your own projects, movies, you're writing. All these things. You do amazingly that you don't need me to fill you up. You have me to add love and richness and. And share with and share experiences with and have connection and intimacy and all these Things, but you're not expecting me to give you everything in your life at all times. You're not waiting by the doorstep or waiting by the phone to get a phone call from me, a text from me to, like, fill you up throughout the day. You have your life, I have my life. We share our lives together, and I think that allows for more harmony to ensue in the relationship because you don't expect me and I don't expect you to fill all of our needs.

You know, this is where I said that romanticism really hurts our lives in life. You know, what we see in TV shows, what we see in movies, what we hear in songs, all this romantic idea that your partner is going to be your best friend, but also your lover. Lover, but also your psychologist, but also your confidant, but also, you know, your bank. Your bank. But all these different things, like, what are we doing? Can you imagine? It's exhausting to think about. And yet this is the picture we're being sold about love. This is what, like, literally, they hammer you on with this. Like, this is what love's supposed to be. That person's supposed to be there for you. And all these different aspects, in my opinion. There's things, for example, that I can be struggling with, that I can share with you. I always share everything with you. But, I mean, wouldn't it be nice sometimes to have a little bit of a filter and say, you know what? This thing is just an emotion. It's going to come and it's going to go, why would I even bring it up? Or if this thing is something that just, I don't know, has to do with my period and has to do with hormones.

You don't need to bring everything to me.

No. I have friends, girlfriends that I go, has it ever happened to you that this thing. And we vent with each other. Yes.

This thing that you let it go.

And then I let it go, and then by the time I see you, I don't even have it in my mind.

Exactly.

It's not that I want to. Don't want to bring it up. I just don't have it anymore.

Yeah.

You know, so it's. It's balancing all these things.

Don't expect relationships to meet all your needs. And we go through the last two, really last three really quickly. They don't neglect their partnership, meaning they're willing to keep investing in it. They don't take each other for granted, which is a big one. Something we do every night as we talk about what we're Grateful for from the day and what we're grateful for of each other. And it's like, it doesn't have to be all day long. What I appreciate about you, but I think little things once a day, a little moment of just saying, here's what I appreciate about you. It just shows you're not taking each other for granted. And it doesn't mean if maybe words of affirmation is not your strategy for love. And it could just be, I'm going to do service, I'm going to do other things to show I'm not taking for granted, but finding what works for you.

I want to ask you something because I think this is important. What makes a man feel appreciated?

I mean, it's probably different for every man, but for me, I like. I like hearing thank you. I like hearing thank you for what you do, you know, as a provider, someone that's going to go out and want to provide and want to lead, protect providers and serve. All I want, and I think all a lot of men want is thank you for doing what you do for us.

How important is appreciation for a man?

I think it's very important, but I think it's. It's important for me. And I think if you didn't just say thank you, it doesn't need to be like, you're the most amazing man, like, every day, but just thank you. That's all it is. Thank you for doing this. Thank you for thinking of me. Thank you for providing for us. Thank you for taking care of this. I will freaking do anything. You know, I will go above and beyond with just a little thank you and a little appreciation. It's why you do it. You do it so well.

You do it so well.

And I think it's. It just makes me want to go create more and, and serve more and show up for you more because you give a little and I'm gonna give a lot. You give more, I'm gonna keep giving more, you know, so it's just. It makes you feel seen, accepted for the work you're doing when no one's watching, you know, And I think that's what. That's what I appreciate, and it's what I think a lot of men appreciate.

So I think it goes both ways, too. I think it's important for women to feel appreciated for all the things that, that we do that sometimes men can take for granted.

Yes.

You know, even little things that we think about. Oh, he doesn't have any socks. I'm gonna get him some.

Yeah.

Oh, I Heard him talking about this vitamin thing. I'm gonna research and buy it more. You know, all these things. And let's imagine a situation. This doesn't happen to us, but I heard about it, like all these Amazon boxes. What is this thing that you. You know and then you don't. You may not know. You open these boxes and some of them are things that you didn't know you needed.

Exactly right.

And so I. I think it's a. It's a good recipe to start healthy or bring back health into the relationship, to be appreciative with each other, because it is a fuel that charges you as a couple and as a person. That's it for me. Like when you say, oh, I appreciate you did this, you know what it makes me do? It makes me want to do more.

Exactly. And when you appreciate something, it appreciates in value.

Yes.

So pour appreciation into your partner as frequently as you can. And the final one is they don't stop growing. And again, this is 13 things mentally strong couples don't do. Make sure you guys get a copy of this book.

So good.

We went through it when we were just dating, and it allowed us to create dynamics, exercises, and reflections based on learning about what couples do do well and what couples don't do well. We just scratched the surface on this, but I would love for you to share which one of the 13 things in the comments below resonated with you the most. Maybe something that you don't do yet that you need to do better, or one that you do that really helps you in your relationship. So share that below. Leave us a comment. Let us know what you think. Make sure to follow Martha on her YouTube channel and all of her social media. We'll have that linked in the description below. We had a couple previous episodes that we did about our marriage journey. If you want to learn more about that, go watch or listen to that.

Do you know what's cool? And we can do this too, if you want to, but if people leave questions.

Yes.

Sometimes people are going through something and say, hey, you know, what does Lewis think about this? Or what Amarta think? Like, what do we. How do we do that's really cool. Like one day bringing these questions.

Absolutely. Share any question you have. Yeah. Share them below in the comments.

Also, because we're learning with them.

We are. We don't. We don't have all the answers. No, we're. We're three months in marriage, but I feel like we've done stuff that works for us.

Yeah.

And we're not expecting people to read 20 books and go to every workshop, but I think if you can learn a little bit from here and take it a little deeper, it's going to support you in your relationship. Whether you're in one now or you want to be one in the future. Always be growing. That's the last one of the 13 things. So you do that. We do that. I love you. You're amazing.

I love you, too.

And I hope you guys enjoy this episode.

You can have plenty of sex and feel nothing, and you can do very little and feel a ton. So I don't want to answer the question with are people having less sex? Because people have done sex for centuries and had miserable experiences. Women know that. Okay.