DO THIS To Become MORE ATTRACTIVE & Find The ONE... | Stephan Speaks & Matthew Hussey

Because I always say if you're not healed, you are 99% likely to choose the wrong person. So I do still strongly believe that the majority of people are in dating.

Our voice matters because it's not enough anymore to just be a viable dating option for someone.

Are you making yourself more approachable? Are you allowing people to feel more comfortable being around you? And so that starts with being mindful of it, being conscious of it. And one great way to do that is.

And they're going on dates, they're doing these things, and they still haven't been able to find a partner that feels like a good match, the right match. What's missing from them or is nothing missing?

It's hard to say because, you know, without knowing them individually. The issues can vary. You know, I'll tell you what I've seen as common. Yes, barriers for women. One of the most common, and then they may not like hearing this, but one of the most common is a lacking of being in touch with their feminine side. And that only really plays a huge role depending on the type of man they desire. If they desire a very masculine man, man who has his stuff together, a guy who can be a leader, at least has those qualities, then not being in your feminine is going to work against you. You're going to come across more difficult. You're not going to come across as someone that's peaceful. And again, I think every man, every man who has stuff going on for himself can say what he needs. Almost most importantly, or at least near the top, is peace. Every man needs peace.

Oh, man, I've been saying that my.

Whole life, you know, peace. And so if he does not view you in that way, because again, you project more masculine energy, you project more resistance, more of a difficult nature, he's not going to. You could be the most beautiful, amazing woman and he may want to sleep with you, but he's not going to want to take you serious or marry you. So that can be one problem. Another thing can be timing. You know, it's a lot of times is we have to understand everything doesn't happen tomorrow. There is a process to this, but in that timing, what's important is that you don't drag on with the wrong men. Yes, a lot of women reduce their time or reduce their window of opportunity. Staying with the wrong guys, staying dating, even the wrong guys. So it doesn't have to be a committed relationship. It could just be you're dating and getting to know each other, but you knew after a couple days that he wasn't it. And yet you're still letting it continue. And what. Even though you're not fully committed in this relationship as an official boyfriend, girlfriend, you're emotionally invested and your ability to now be available to someone else is severely hindered. So you're not going to be able to meet that great guy or that great guy may come across, you hear that you're dating this guy and say, I'm not even going to bother with that.

Yeah.

And so that hurts you. So timing is it. But you have to make sure you're leaving yourself available.

Here's a question. Do we stay in relationships longer when we haven't fully healed the past?

Hell, yes. Absolutely.

I'll probably raise my hand here for pretty much every past relationship where I have known at different levels. Like, something's not right, something's off. Okay, let's work on it. Let's try to make it work. Still, things are off. It's like you have a knowing inside and sometimes you try to force it to make it work. And I'm as one to blame as anyone here. And what I realized is like, oh, I haven't fully healed certain things. And it's why I've stayed in the past in relationships much longer than I probably should have. But I was afraid. I was afraid of hurting someone, I was afraid of hurting myself. I was afraid of whatever. And when I started to learn that, like this is something you talked about over and over, that the healing process is the key process to build a foundation for the potential for a great relationship, for something to flourish. Yes, you want to have, you know, the dream is to have a rainforest of an environment in your relationship where things can grow, things can flourish. There's green trees around you, there's water flow, waterfalls. Not an environment of a desert where. Where things go to die in the relationship. And I don't think we can truly allow things to grow if we don't learn to heal. And that's something that you taught me years ago. And you teach so many people around the world this. But if people don't even think they need to heal something, how do they do it?

They can't. There's no way you can't overcome an obstacle you don't believe exists.

I'm fine. I got this. Nah, I've dealt with this stuff in the past. That was me.

Exactly. And so the problem is most people don't heal until they hit a wall, until something knocks them on their behind. And now they have to see things differently and accept the issues that they've been holding on to. But also, I think the problem for a lot of individuals is they're not healed and they're in environments with people who haven't healed either. And now those unhealed people are going to validate your issues. They're going to validate your unwillingness to face those things.

This is so hard because whatever guy, friends, girlfriends, whoever you are, and you lean on people and say, this person did this, and they validate. You say, leave them. They're no good for you. You deserve better. You don't deserve that. They shouldn't be doing this. Right. They start to validate to be on your side, but they're not healed either. If they're coming from that place, maybe they're correct on certain things, but it's learning how to communicate to your friends in a healthier way probably also.

Well, I think, yes, because a lot of people, they tell their friends the bad and they don't always tell them the good. So the friends have a very skewed perception of the relationship or whatever situation that you're facing. But we also have to be aware enough to understand who we're seeking guidance from. Like, I may speak to my friends because I need to vent at the moment, or I want some feedback, but I'm fully aware that. That they are not the end all be all to this, that they may be speaking from their own hurt place. I still can filter their perspective through the understanding of they're not healed enough to give me full, proper, great guidance. All right. But they might give a perspective that I needed to look at. And that's why I will still talk to them, because I want to hear different perspectives. I want to make sure I'm not missing any blind spots here. All right, so it's good to talk to different people, but only if you understand how to not just take them as, oh, well, my friend said this, so this is it. No, your friend may be broken too, and they're going to lead you down even more broken path.

Exactly.

So.

The conversations you have with some people, they're not healed and they're not helping you fully because they're validating something that you don't need to hear necessarily. Absolutely. Maybe some of it is right, but not all of it.

And not to mention, it can happen in other ways. Far as, like, I've seen people where the friend was in a toxic relationship that they were unwilling to leave. So now when their other friend came to them about their toxic relationship is, oh, you know, give them a chance. Oh, you know, Cheating happens in every relationship. They'll come up with all these validations to stay because they can't look themselves in the mirror and tell themselves to walk away. So how are they going to tell you to do it? All right, now, some people can do that. Some people can still tell you opposite of what they're going to actually are willing to do. But a lot of people consciously or subconsciously are trying to validate how they would handle things or how they have handled things. All right, so if it's I would leave because someone called me out there out my name one time, then I have to tell you that you got to leave for that reason. I can't tell you to be considerate of, well, maybe it was a mistake. Maybe this can be fixed. Oh, no, no, no. Because I drew that line. You need to draw that line. A lot of people don't understand how to give that unbiased advice. So that's why you have to be very careful.

Absolutely. Going to family healing is, again, a lot of clarity comes through healing. You'll be able to see things differently in a relationship if you are from a healed place. I think a lot of us, myself included, has stayed in relationships longer than necessary because we haven't healed something yet, and that's why we stayed in them. So would you say that people who have healed and addressed the past, the traumas of the past, the pains of the past, are much quicker to get out of a dating situation when they realize, oh, this isn't for me, like, I thought it was going to work out, but I don't need to keep trying for months and years to try to make it work. It's not working. I'm willing to walk away. Would you say people healed are able to do that better?

Absolutely.

Yeah.

Basically, the more healed you become, or when you have become healed, your willingness or ability to tolerate toxic energy is diminished. You don't know how to operate or how to stay in those environments any longer because now you see things so much clearer. It's almost like if you were to detox your body and start to eat healthy now, you go back to eating some fast food and it will destroy your stomach. So your willingness to eat that bad food is no longer there, or at least it's diminished because now your body knows what healthy feels like. All right? So emotionally, once you get to a healthy place and you know what healthy is, you can't tolerate dysfunction as much anymore. You can't tolerate someone who does, does not want to face their issues. You know, it reminds Me, right now, real quick of. Even when it comes to business or you know what, even when it comes to fitness, a lot of people, once they've achieved great success or once they've achieved getting that body they always wanted, they look at those who do not have differently before, they may have been in that pool of people that said, my circumstances, there's nothing I can do. It's too hard. But once you've achieved it and you knew what work it took to get there, now it's like, no, you're just unwilling. You don't have enough desire to push past the obstacles to get the results you're looking for. And so, again, when you become healthy, your willingness to tolerate this person just can't get past their issues. It's like, no, because I got past mine. I know what it takes. I know you can get there if you're willing. But so many are not willing.

Let's say you got in a relationship, you got married, you've been committed for a while, and you. Neither of you have healed. But then one of you decides, you know what? This isn't working. I got to heal the pain from the past. They go on that journey, they get relief, they find peace in their heart. They're not triggered, whatever it is, they've started. And I've continually been on the healing process, but the other person continues to be in their own traumatic past experiences. What if they're not willing to heal? Would you recommend, like, is that relationship able to work still? Are you able to find ways to say, well, we still love each other and we have a lot of chemistry and connection most of the time? What would you say about that? If the other person's unwilling to heal?

I hate to say this, but I have to be honest, all right? I can never encourage someone to remain in a toxic situation.

All right?

I do think that we can take an approach that says, let's see if we can work this out. Let's give them a little bit of grace here. And the main thing is, can we achieve progress? All right? Rome isn't building a day, and if we've been behaving or we've been tolerating this dysfunction for so many years, we can't expect it to be perfect tomorrow. But are you willing to at least start to walk on that path and make progress? Though I don't want to encourage divorce, I cannot feel comfortable telling people to stay trapped in a marriage with someone who doesn't want to face their issues. If you have freed yourself from that, you have healed They've got to be willing to make a move. And here's the problem. People are afraid to heal, or people are afraid to face the issues that requires them to heal. All right? Because you have to. It's like, I remember a quote. I'm probably saying it wrong. To heal, you have to face the pain or you have to dive into the pain. Something like that. All right? So people understand it's painful to go and revisit your past. It's painful to let those emotions you've suppressed all these years come back out. And so now your fear of healing or facing the process of healing is greater than your fear of losing this person. All right? And they think because you're married to them, you're not going anywhere.

You're stuck for life.

Exactly. So for that reason, that's not enough incentive to face their fear of facing their issues. The only thing that may get them to do it is the threat of divorce.

Wow.

Or is the actual divorce happening again? It's not that I wanted to get to that point. I hope and pray everyone could avoid that. But the reality is some people won't get it together until there's a real consequence on the table, and that will be divorce in that situation.

So, okay, let's say someone's like, you know what? I feel like I'm good. It's never been about me. It's been about everyone else. It's their problems that why the relationship doesn't work.

I got to stop you real quick.

Yes.

Because this is, like hitting my spirit. I got to say, give it to me. The other thing to consider is that some people will never change. They will never heal. And the reality is that the person you're with is the wrong person. And the only reason you got with them is because you were broken. Had you not been damaged in the first place, you may not be with.

This individual because you wouldn't have chose someone like this if you were coming from a healed place.

Exactly. And if you were healed, you would have been your true self. Your true self may not have aligned with this individual. No, I'm not saying that. There aren't circumstances where people still end up with the right person when they were both not healed. I do think that's possible to happen. But a lot of people, I would argue the majority when you. Because I always say if you're not healed, you are 99% likely to choose the wrong person. So I do still strongly believe that the majority of people are with the wrong individual. And that's marriage, relationship, Whatever. Because that brokenness, that damage, attracted something.

Else that was broken.

Exactly. And allowed you to tolerate it or it allowed you to feel safer in that environment.

Wow.

Here's the thing that people don't realize. When you have not healed, if you were to get with a healthy person, it would essentially demand of you from the jump to basically heal or step your game up. And again, people are afraid to face their issues. So to get with another broken person, subconsciously, it validates me staying broken, it validates me not having to face my issues. Because now we all have issues. You see, as long as we all have issues, I don't have to face mine. But if you have corrected yours, how can I validate my own?

Wow.

What's your issues?

My issues.

The coach always has an issue somewhere. What's your biggest fear or insecurities around being in a relationship or finding the right person or dating or.

So, okay, I'll say fear, and I'm being very transparent. I've never said this.

I know you haven't. I know you have it. Your biggest fear.

My biggest fear has been can I remain focused and fulfilled in the relationship long term, past a certain time. Meaning, okay, I have no doubts. Five years in, 10 years in, I'm still good. But when it hits year 15, this is different. And again, it's because of one, I think a lot of people, the issue that we have is specifically, even with monogamy, not saying that I'm going to be going out there cheating, But I always say the issue with monogamy is that people struggle to maintain monogamy, and we struggle to maintain monogamy because we don't maintain who we fell in love with.

All right, what do you mean by that?

Meaning that person that I brought you and you brought to me, that made us feel like this is it.

It's different.

It's different now. The thing is, though, it can be maintained if it's the true you. Problem is a lot of people aren't being their true self on the jump. So that creates a difference. Right There also, is there a willingness to grow together, and that needs communication. That means connection has to be there. A lot of people have not gotten with that person they have a connection with. So this is where for me, there's fear, but there's peace in knowing that I do believe if I'm willing to do my part to maintain who she falls in love with, all right, whoever that woman is when that day happens, I'm willing to do that. And that goes spiritually, mentally, physically, I have no problem sticking to the recipe that worked. And I'm confident in one end because I say, you know what? I believe in connection. And I believe that that's the missing ingredient. When I look at these relationships that have failed and haven't made it past that 10 year, 15 year mark, I do think that the reason is connection was not there in most cases.

So chemistry was there.

Chemistry may have been there at one point.

Compatibility.

Compatibility, based on what they were presenting at one point may have been there. But again, was it true compatibility? They weren't being their true self. And if they had not found their true self yet, but connection was not there. And I think a lot of people get with each other based off the hype. And that's the reason why I'm such a stickler on okay, I have to make sure I wait for connection because I want to make it past those 15 years. I want to make it for the long haul. I want to be a representation of what I speak about. I want people to look at my relationship and say, I don't want it to be that fake relationship that people think is good. It's actually horrible behind clothes. No. I want us to be amazing to everyone and inspire them. So I have to wait for connection and me being a man of God, I have to wait for that spiritual guidance that says, this is the one, that I can pray about this and God tells me she's it. Because, you know, there's a lot of beautiful, amazing women out there, but everyone's not for us.

Right?

And so I think it's important to understand who aligns with you, especially as a man when you're walking in your purpose. And that's why it's so important for men to on focus, find their purpose. Because if you don't know where you're headed in life, you don't know who belongs on that path with you. So you've got to make sure that you know yourself, you know the direction you're walking in. And now you can see what woman can align with you and you guys can walk together as a unit and make it something amazing.

All these social media apps are just now.

Yeah.

Dating and looking, looking at there's thousands of options. It seems like there's so many good options, yet not one great option.

When you say, you know, they've all become dating apps, then I makes me feel we've come full circle because wasn't that the original point of Facebook was to go on and see who on college campus is single, you know, who's that to me is, who's the cute freshman coming in? Yeah, we kind of started there and we've, we're, you know, it's now just many different ways to do it. Obviously, social media is used for many different things, but I think anything that, that makes easier the ability to meet people, you know. Cal Newport, in his book the Happiness Advantage, talks about the activation energy required for a task. And the higher the activation energy, the less likely it is you'll do something you want to get yourself to do. So he uses the example of, like, if you want to play guitar, keep it by the couch so that when you sit down to watch the tv, oh, the guitar's there. If it's up in the closet upstairs, you have to go in now the activation energy is higher. You're less likely to practice playing the guitar. And I feel like the activation energy of meeting people, when people had to go out to a bar, you know, dress up, look the part, see someone across the bar, think about what they're gonna say, take the risk to get rejected in front of someone's face friends or in front of their own friends. The activation energy was really high. And people, I think, whether they admit it or not, love the idea of the activation energy being really low. That I can slide into someone's DMs on Instagram and hit someone up with very minimal effort. I could be in my pajamas watching, you know, some TV show, doing that. And I've also minimized the potential rejection from that. The rejection isn't.

Doesn't hurt.

It's not happening in real time. At the very least, you might have the rejection of, I never got a.

Response, but it doesn't hurt not looking someone in the eyes, your heart's not beating out of your chest.

It's not real time rejection of, I approached you and you're now being cold to me, or you don't want to speak to me, or you tell me you have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. That's like really in the moment.

Do you really have a boyfriend? How many times you go to a girl where they say, I've got a boyfriend? Thank you. You're like, you're lying to me.

I just didn't do well.

I know.

So that, that is, you know, we've lowered the activation energy for meeting each other. And that I think has saved a lot of people.

But what it.

But it's also done something hurt a lot of us.

It's interrupted a little bit, maybe a lot. The story of attraction. You know, I thought about this recently, how if, let's say before any of this, there was a man who meets a woman when they're out in some social environment, they exchange numbers, he goes home and he has to call her right now. That takes guts. I have to pick up the phone, I have to have a conversation, and you know, already I'm kind of investing, if you know what I mean, before I've even made the phone call. I'm investing because I'm thinking, what am I gonna say? And how do I come across right? And how do I still my nerves? That's a form of investment, and we tend to value what we invest in. So now already beginning to value this person more because I'm having to try.

At something because I met her, I got her number, exchanged information, and I'm thinking about the next step.

And even just by the way, the meeting someone out and exchanging numbers, there's a story already happening there. It worked. I went over to someone and it worked.

And there's a potential for something.

Oh, my God.

Yeah. She could have said no, and she didn't. And I knew, and I thought I was attracted to her. And I went over there and I did the thing.

She confirmed it, and it worked.

And now I have a number, and this is a story that's happening. You go home, you think about it.

Make the call, you tell your friends about it.

Tell your friends. That's a form of investment.

I met this girl.

You got to hear about this girl. You got to see this girl. Adding to the story. Now, you go on a date, that date, you have a great time. Where am I going to take this person? What am I going to do? After the date, you go home, and you might have to wait three days or four days till the next date with this person. And in those three or four days, you may not consider it work, but you are working for that person. There's a chasing that's going on in your mind. There's an investment that's going on in your mind, an imagination, the narrative that's happening. And that is all part of that kind of natural courtship that pulls us into the next stage of the interaction, whether it's day two, date three, day four, exclusivity, moving in together, whatever it is. Now compare that with someone, you know, hits someone up, swipes, we got a match. Okay. There's, like, no activation energy to that. Really. We got a match. Who are they? Okay. And read their tagline. Loves, you know, dancing in the rain. Whatever. They, you know. Okay. Yeah, well, so what's up? You alright? You know, you want to hang out, then you know, let's go for a quick drink. They get out together, he comes back or she comes back from a date to five more matches before he's even got time to process whether he had a good time and what was it about this person? What? There's already more options coming at someone. There's more. Or at the very least you can go home and explore more options from your bed that night after a date. So this interrupting the circuitry which will.

Give you more dopamine, which will give you more excitement.

Yeah. You're getting attracted to the novelty again right now. Not the depth of where this thing might now lead. Now not saying that that's insurmountable and that we're just all this is not me painting a picture of doom and gloom about current dating. I do think there is a toxicity, there is a toxic element to modern day dating, but it's not, I'm not defeatist about that. I just think that the impact we make on people in the time we have with them becomes that much more important because you can no longer rely on being the only person they're talking to that week or that month.

They might be at five dates that week and a hundred messages from guys.

And probably today for a lot of people it's less likely they're on five date this dates this week. But they're talking to 10 people this week.

Yeah.

You know, they're not. A lot of people are going on fewer dates than everyone thinks. People are having a lot less sex than everyone thinks. But what's happening is there's a lot of nonsense conversations, superficial, you know, going nowhere, incessant texting conversations, crazy.

Right?

Happening.

And no one's actually even just getting on the phone and talking, are they?

Not unless they want to be different.

Right.

And that, that's where it really begins to shift is you have to be.

The person who's different that takes a risk, stands out.

That, yeah, well, and that that's the current question is in a world with more noise than ever and for all of your people out there watching right now, everything I think we talk about here in this hour, we can apply to business, to course you can apply everywhere. I get hired to go do speeches for corporates where I apply. What I've learned in 10 years of attraction and relationships to business because it's the same thing going on everywhere right now. There is so much noise. Everyone's talking. In business too, Right. It used to be that you Were, you know, in a. If you were a personal trainer, you were competing with the five personal trainers on your gym floor and maybe down the street at the other local gym. And that was the. Those were the people that were your competition.

Now that everyone's a fitness trainer now.

Anyone with an Instagram account and a six pack.

Yeah.

Is your competition who's trying to sell their digital program or trying to, you know, convince people that they don't need to go to their local trainer. That I might be the other side of the world, but I've got something special for you that you should do it with me. So the whole thing has opened up and what that means is that you can no longer rely on just the scarcity of people to be special. I'm the only one in town. Yeah. Even if you live in a small town that someone's options are only limited to the radius they set their dating app to. If I want to expand it out by another state, I got a lot more options.

Yeah.

So it. We now can no longer rely on that. We have to be. We have to have a voice that defines us. We have to have a voice that makes us different, you know, from your business. How many podcasters keep joining every day, Every day, Every day. You no longer can voice rely on having the market share simply because you're doing podcasting. Right. You have to now be a voice that's different. Why are people, people only have so many hours in a week, right. This is a long form podcast. It's, you know, interviews an hour or so on. Why are people going to sit with their limited hours and listen to my hour instead of these other six or ten top podcasters? Because we can't listen to them. All right, so now you're voice matters and in dating, our voice matters because it's not enough anymore to just be a viable dating option for someone.

But do people even really want to stand out to have a committed long term relationship? Or they more just. They say they want the commitment, but their actions don't back it with just constantly being surface level or constantly being a part of the noise as opposed to trying to stand out like they might try to. Especially with guys. It's like, okay, maybe it seems like more women want to be committed than more guys want to be committed.

Well, that's a tricky one. Most people, I believe, who think they are evolved enough for a relationship are not.

Right.

And when do you know?

For a long time. By the way, I count myself in that category where I thought I was. I really thought There were times in my life where I really thought I was a great. I was a great guy. I wasn't. I wasn't. It wasn't that I was ever a nasty person. I was never a mean person. I was never a. That wasn't the great partner I thought I was. It's not like I, you know, there are times in my life where I thought, God, I'm just. I'd just be a great partner to someone. And I was not ready to be a great partner to someone because I think the first time you really give yourself to something, really commit yourself to not just your own happiness and your own needs. Because that's what most people talk about when they talk about a relationship is their needs, their happiness, right? How good it feels to be in a relationship. It's about them. But it's not about seeing someone else, truly seeing someone else and understanding who they are and understanding what their needs are and supporting them and their happiness and their goals.

It's a great relationship when you stop thinking about your needs and you just say, I'm going to give this person and look at them from a place of understanding and want to bring them so much joy and fulfillment and not expect in return, but hopefully the other person is saying the same thing about you.

Well, yes and no. There's a lot of. There are a lot of people who, on that idea, that ethos, have lived a very masochistic life for a long time.

Really?

That, by the way, what you just described could describe one of two things. One beautiful, one terrible. What you just described could either be an extraordinary relationship of two givers or it could describe unrequired love. It could describe the person who is giving, giving, giving, giving, giving to someone and playing the martyr in their own relationship. They keep ignoring me. They keep, you know, not meeting my needs. They keep being selfish, they keep. But I am just going to show.

Up and be my best partner and.

Love them and give my all, and one day they will turn around to meet me in that many, many people have. Have caused tremendous suffering to themselves and wasted a lot of good years.

So is it both? Give to yourself, make sure you're asking for what you need, but also giving.

It's. I. It's a combination of respecting what your core needs are. What do I need? Like, when it really comes down to it, what's my standard for what I need? Now, how exactly someone meets that standard is. That's where the messiness of relationships comes in. Because you say, I want to be respected and then someone does something and you go, I don't feel respected. But they go, but that doesn't mean a lack of respect to me. So now we have a whole conversation on the execution of a standard.

Oh, my God.

And different definitions of what meets that standard. That's. That's where the confusion comes in. And that's where we have to have some really loving, cooperative conversations to figure out, am I, you know, am I being. This is one of the hardest parts of relationship. Am I being reasonable in asking for what I'm asking for, or is this my insecurity speaking? You know, am I. Which one is talking? And sometimes we're so close we don't even know that's the danger. That's. By the way, I see one of the most valuable jobs I can do for people, my work is not to be a smarter voice than they are. Because people, People can be great. They can when it comes to their friends or people around them or whatever, they can be very smart. But to be an objective voice outside of their drunken haze, because we're so close to something, we get. We're not sober and now we don't have logical answers to questions because someone's. We get to the point where arguing about something. I don't even know if I'm right. I don't know if the thing I'm saying is if I'm being the insecure one or if I'm being the reasonable one. And sometimes we leave a situation, we go, God, I was insecure. Sometimes we leave and we go, I can't believe I let someone convince me I was crazy.

Right?

They like, they were the one that was doing the wrong thing and they convinced me that I was nuts.

What do you think are the. I didn't prep you on this before, but what do you think are the three or five components to a foundation of a relationship that has the potential to really thrive long term, committed for decades. What are. Like, it needs to have these three or these five things. Otherwise it's going to be really challenging to be. To sustain this type of love and joy and happiness.

I mean, a couple of simple ones, I guess, are I need to. I need to show up for my partner in ways that they need me to. Not just ways that are comfortable to me. We, in other words, pay attention to what your partner actually needs. Because it's really easy to say, you know, gonna bring them lunch every day. That's. That's like, I, I'm a really good cook and I'm really, you know, I want to slave away every morning to bring them lunch every day, because, you know, that's me giving.

They don't care.

Bring lunch every day. Like maybe they don't care. Maybe what would mean the most to them is you, them getting home and you really being interested in their day.

Mm. Do you think love languages is an important part of this, where it's like understanding some. Someone's love language and giving them their top priorities?

I think that it's an interesting framework and it's been for a lot of people, a very successful framework. I think any framework that just allows you to kind of, you know, create a little a structure for things that gives you some simplicity around it can be valuable.

Sure.

You know, it doesn't mean it's the only framework you can apply, but it's a valuable model to work from.

So it's showing up in ways that.

They'Re showing up in ways. Yeah. Not what do I want to give, but what do they actually need.

And I think that's a lot, that's a lot of conflict in relationships because. And I think you need to understand, do I want to do something that's uncomfortable every day, that's not foreign to me or that's foreign to me, or do I want to find a partner that enjoys the things that I like to give?

Well, that's, that's, that's an interesting question. You know, any relationship is going to be a bit of both. But sometimes it works even without, like, that's a kind of compatibility issue. But I think it even works outside of that in day to day stuff because you might say, the thing I want to give to my partner is an awesome, you know, night together. But maybe what they need is an awesome night with their friends. And maybe the most loving thing you can do is say, hey, I know you haven't seen this person in a while. You should go and see them. I know that relationship is important to you. You should go and hang out with your mum tonight. Or, you know, recognizing not what's easy for me to give, but what might be less comfortable for me to give, but is actually what would mean the world to them.

Yeah.

And I think if you really want to make yourself irreplaceable to someone, it's recognizing that because no one else is going to do that for them. I mean, you know, I mean, like, it's. They. Some, maybe, but it's really rare to find someone who, who is willing to do that for you.

Okay.

So that's number one thing, is to work on yourself.

Yep.

And to Say I'm responsible for me, my partner isn't responsible for me. I need to do the work to be the most loving, confident person I can be in this world.

What are those?

Fulfilled, has their own purpose, has things that drive them. That to me is very, very important.

Hold on.

If.

What's the first thing people should do to do work on themselves? Because you threw a few things out there.

But what's like, I mean, firstly, do you have. Maybe here's an interesting question you can ask yourself. If I had 10 hours free right now, what would I do with them?

Interesting.

If you can't give a good answer to that question, you might already be describing one of the weaknesses of your relationship.

And binge watching a series is not the best use of your time.

It's, you know that if the answer is, oh, my God, well, I have my purpose, the thing I love getting stuck into. Or it doesn't even have to be some grand purpose. Not everyone has found, like their life's calling. But it could be, I really want to learn this language or I really want to see this friend or I really want to go and, you know, whatever it is, read this book or learn this thing, take care of my health. Yeah, I want to. I can't wait to get to the gym. If you should be able to answer the question of my partner cancelled on me today, what would I do with that day now? And if you can't that, then you, you begin to describe the person who's sitting there waiting for their partner to text them, waiting for their partner to make them feel good enough.

That's not attractive.

It's not. And it's not fair to our partners.

It's a lot of pressure.

It's a lot of pressure. And, and by the way, people put a lot of pressure on their partners by expecting their partner to put a band aid on all sorts of things for them. You know, if they're feeling like. There's a lot of rhetoric about vulnerability right now. Now, I think vulnerability is huge. I think the work that people like Brene Brown are doing and so on is huge. It's massively important. Vulnerability is absolutely an act of courage and we should encourage it more, both sexes, all the time. But his vulnerability is. Something's making me insecure and I'm going to share it with you because you're my partner and I love you and I tell you things, right.

But you don't want to do that beyond vulnerability.

If an hour from now I tell you I'm feeling insecure again. And then an hour from now, that thing's affecting me again. And this month, tonight. Because now, in a way, what we're doing is instead of sharing, we're dumping. I'm asking you now to fix it for me, to put a band Aid on it for me.

Feel better.

Yeah, of course. It's part of our partner. A loving partner will support you and will do everything in their power to make you feel loved and to make you feel safe and to make you feel secure. And it's absolutely true that sometimes what we're feeling as insecurity is because our partner isn't doing their job in those things. They're not building, they're not building. They're doing things that are proactively making us feel insecure. There's minor betrayals, minor neglects, all of that. But sometimes we have to say, okay, what part of this am I responsible for? And it's my partner's responsibility. It's our responsibility in life together to share, to share the load, to work towards things together. But it's not your job to carry the load for me, to carry my problems, to put the band aid on every day I need to.

Maybe once in a blue moon.

Yeah, of course, of course. And we're all going to do that. We're all going to have, like, we're going to have days, weeks, times where we're going through something really serious. And our partners job is to show up.

Yeah.

You know, but a friend of mine who's kind of blunt said to me, some days or weeks you get to be needy and difficult and high maintenance and boring and, you know, insecure, and then you don't. And I thought, yeah, like, we get to be those things for a time until we don't, until it gets too much for somebody else. Because we need to be. At the very least, we need to show our partner we're committed to our own growth. So the, you know, the first one, what did we have? Show up in ways they need, not just ways you want to show up. The second one's work on yourself.

Yep.

I think, I guess the third one it. To me, teamwork is everything. Like being a genuine team is huge. Really looking at each other as teammates as opposed to you're there to meet my needs or I'm competing with you in some way, man.

I've done that before.

Like, we're an actual team. And I saw, you know, one of the things I loved most about Chris Rock's recent Stand Up Tambourine.

I'm a senior.

Such a Genius name. The whole concept is, you know, about the idea that he couldn't in his last marriage play the tambourine. He couldn't play the backup instrument. Right, right. And. And I thought that was such a great, great metaphor because in a. In a good relationship, in a really genuinely mutually supportive relationship, that some days you play tambourine, some days you're their teammate, you can't. You know, the way he says it, her success is your success, and vice versa. You're in this together, you. And some days that person's the lead, and you're on tambourine. And a lot of people have never learned how to play tambourine. There's the other thing. I don't remember where it comes from, but every relationship has a flower and a gardener.

Right.

Most people don't want to be in a relationship where they're always the gardener and they want to be never the flower. Right.

Blooming all the time.

Yes. And sometimes you have to be the gardener.

How do you manifest and attract a partner that you want to be with that has those three keys? The connection, the attraction, and the balance that you feel like is the one could be one of the ones. How do you set yourself up to attract that incredible partner?

So, one, you got to be yourself. So finding yourself is number one, all right? You can't connect with someone if they're connecting with the fake you, all right? That's a false connection. So you have to discover who you are because become confident in that. Stand strong in it. Now, who is drawn to that person, you know it's real. All right? And so that's where we begin. Two, you need to exude positive energy. All right? To me, and this is. I think this is very important for women, all right? Because the reality is that it's men or the type of men that a lot of women want aren't going to be drawn to a negative woman. No. There's millions of good women, but that doesn't mean they're positive women, all right? And it's that lack of positive energy that holds them back more than they realize.

Really?

Yes.

Just like even just saying negative things throughout the day, they might be a good person, but if they're always complaining or negative.

Exactly. And not even just what they say, again, it's how they're coming off, because.

Energy, their body language.

Yes. It's like. So look at it like this. I tell people all the time, it's not what you say, it's how you make them feel. All right? So you can say all the wonderful things you want. But if in your presence, they don't feel at ease, they don't feel peace, they don't feel that positivity that's still gonna throw everything off.

If you say nice things but you have a frown, what's the point?

Exactly. Exactly. And what a lot of women aren't realizing is that their energy is off because they have walls up. They're so scared, they're so fixated on.

Protecting themselves because they've been hurt in the past.

Exactly. Haven't healed from those things. But I tell people all the time, the same walls give up to protect you. Are the same walls blocking your blessings. All right? So you don't realize you're restricting your ability to love and be loved because you're walking in fear. All right? You can't walk in fear and expect all these wonderful things to happen. It doesn't work that way even in business. The ones who succeed are the ones who put the fear aside and say, I'm going to have faith and push forward no matter what, no matter how it looks in front of me, no matter how many people tell me you're doing the wrong thing, get a regular job, whatever. No, you believe what you need to do and you push forward past that fear. It's the same thing with relationships. You have to push forward in faith, not fear if you want to receive that great relationship. And so, yes, this can happen with men as well. I don't want men thinking they can carry around much of negative energy and they're going to get a great relationship. But I do think it shoots women in the foot more. Because here's the other thing that people don't talk about a lot. And some people may not like this, but I'm just going to keep it real.

Yeah.

Yeah, for sure.

It pulls women away from their feminine energy when they're not positive, when they're not positive, and when they're holding on to these fears and have these walls up. And it's the feminine energy that makes the world woman so powerful. That's the tool that is at her disposal that can make the world her oyster. All right? But women have become very detached from their femininity. And the thing is this. If you. A lot of women will say they're not feminine, they're just not that way. I dispute that. In most situations, no, you become detached from it. You become uncomfortable with it due to, again, a lack of healing and due to experiences in your life. Now, if you are more masculine, so to speak, and you are happy that way, then by all means, continue to live your life as you are. But if you're not seeing things work for the way that you want them to, and you're in that energy, that more masculine energy or more further away from your feminine, then consider making a switch. Consider at least trying it. See the difference. And what I find with a lot of women is that not only is it beneficial to them as far as as relationships wise, it's beneficial in the quality of their life, but their health, their health, their peace, their work, you name it. I have a client, she's a doctor at a big hospital. And when she came to me, she was frustrated with relationships, ready to give up on men. Nobody liked her at work. She was just a hard, tough manager. So we worked on her energy, we worked on healing. We got her energy, we got her to embrace more, more feminine energy. She will swear by it right now. In one month, her whole hospital start to love her. Now they're all helpful, whether they were women or men. Men started coming out the woodworks.

All right, let me get your number, girl. Let me get at you, girl.

She ended up meeting her soon to be fiance on an airplane two months after we started doing the coaching.

What were the shifts that she made every single single day? Like, what was the things that she said, okay, I'm going to not be this way, I'm going to start trying this.

It was one being more conscious of your energy. I think, number one, we have to be mindful of the energy we're giving off. We become so distracted by our issues that we're facing in the world, by our responsibilities. We're not always in tune with what we're giving off. So to give an example, and this is just a small one even for me as a man, I work out a lot. When I come out the gym, I started to notice I'm very tense, my face is hard. Exactly. So I've learned to, when I walk out of the gym, take a deep breath, relax the body, relax the muscles, and the energy completely changes. All right? Because yes, you can become very intimidating as a man, just like you can become very intimidating as a woman. And so you have to be mindful of. Are you making yourself more approachable? Are you allowing people to feel more comfortable being around you? And so that starts with being mindful of it, being conscious of it. And one great way to do that is get an accountability partner, all right? Tell someone who has the ability to be positive because you don't want to pick a negative person to be your Accountability partner, it's gonna throw everything off. But you pick a positive person, you say, hey, listen, whenever I'm being negative, whenever I'm giving that bad energy, let me know. Because now when they tell you, you won't always realize when you're done doing it, at least not at first. But once they start calling you out, now you become more mindful of it. Now you can take hold of it and control it. And now you master what energy you're giving off at certain times. And that changes everything.

Wow.

When someone feels like they found the one, and I've heard this a lot, like, I know this is the one, or I thought they were the one and then it didn't end, end up working out and they want to get married. They've decided marriage is for them. They want to be life partners. What are a few of the conversations that they should have to not know for certain, but know for better certain that this is the right decision, this partnership is the right decision to move forward in a long term, committed relationship as opposed to just maybe the infatuation behind it or the initial connection or the attraction. What are a few questions they should be asking each other that maybe they haven't asked yet to know whether or not they're setting themselves up for that successful long term relationship?

Okay, number one, how do you envision your role in a marriage? All right, People don't go in finding out what the expectations are before they get married. They have this assumption that we're just going to transition from how we are in a relationship to being that way in the marriage. No, no, no, no, no. Because a lot of times things change and the level of expectation raises. Now, in marriage, you also have some people who may think, for example, you may have a man out there who thinks, okay, my job is to court you when we're boyfriend and girlfriend and when we're married. When we're married, I don't got to do all that work anymore. Now I'm your husband, I've given you the ring. Satisfy me, make me happy. You got to find that out because you're setting yourself up for failure if you don't realize he thinks he gets to take time off now that he's married you. Or he may think, as long as I'm paying these bills, don't ask me for anything else. You got to find out. So we need to ask, what do you.

She should be asking that.

Yeah. Both of them should be asking, how do you perceive your role in marriage? What are your expectations from me in marriage? Let's find out what we need. Need what we're expecting from each other. Number two, making sure our values are aligned. All right, so whether that be spiritual, whether that be even financial values, whatever those things are, let's make sure we're on the same page about it. And if we're not on the same page, are these things we can balance out and work out? All right, so, for example, if. Let's look at it from a financial perspective. If I'm a very frugal man and this woman is a spender, I have.

Friends in this situation and it's not good.

Exactly. And I'm sure they didn't talk about it in advance. You want to talk about these things and say, okay, how do we view this? What are your expectations as a spender? Are you someone who thinks, well, I got to be able to spend some free money every month. I got to go shopping every month. What is it? Let's come to an agreement beforehand that we're both comfortable with, but let's understand what we're walking into here. All right, Again, we don't talk about these things. We just assume, oh, because she's not asking for money now, she won't ask for money later. That's not necessarily true. Let's find out. What are we expecting? Do our values align in marriage? I definitely think, number three, sexual expectations. I think that needs to be discussed and understood. And again, it's all about compromise. If a compromise can be found. So it's not saying, okay, well, I expected four times a week. He or she says two times a week, and now we're just going at it. No. Well, then maybe we go with three times a week, but we make sure the compromise is something we can both be happy with. When you compromise on something that you're not going to be happy about, you're not compromising, you're sacrificing. And those sacrifice can be good in some instances, not when it's very important to you or it's going to be important enough that it would cause you to wander if you're not getting it. Never sacrifice something that's going to make you want to look at someone else in your marriage. All right? So if you need three times a week to be happy and satisfied, make that very clear. Don't agree to two and then wander. Yeah, exactly. And now you're entertaining other people because you never set that expectation. Another expectation, as we talked about earlier with attraction, is how we keep ourselves up physically. I do think, what if I just.

Gained 60 pounds in seven years. And is that okay since we're married now?

Listen, people need to be honest. So like I tell some men, if you can say, you know what, if my wife gained 60 pounds, I don't care. I'm cool with it. And you're going to love her with the same energy and desire that you did 60 other pounds ago, great. But if you can't maintain that desire, that passion £60 later, you need to make that known now. You can't be afraid to say, well, that sounds too shallow. So would we rather be shallow now or have a disastrous relationship later? Have you cheating on your partner because you weren't willing to be honest in the beginning? All right, same. And women, too. Because an epidemic that's happening is women are less honest about their attraction needs, so to speak. All right.

Really?

So whenever we talk about attraction, letting yourself go, I think people automatically think of the woman letting themselves go. But a lot of men have let themselves go and have fallen far from what he looked like when they first got married. But she's not always being as honest and straightforward about that. One reason may be because she doesn't want the pressure on her. So that's one issue right there. Or she may be afraid of his ego and think it's too fragile. Exactly. And doesn't want to say anything. But again, if you can't maintain the same passion and desire with that fall off, you've got to be honest about that so he understands. Because what happens is this. So let's just use this example. He lets himself go. He lets himself go. The sex falls off. All right? And the sex is falling off because she's not as attracted to him anymore, but she's not being honest about it. Now, when she does say anything about whether it's his weight or whatever the case may be, he's going to think you're just making excuses. You're just trying to give a reason not to have sex rather than embracing it, as this is the reality of what's holding us back. However, if we had this conversation from the jump and you were honest about this, then I always knew this would be an issue. Now when you bring it back up, it's going to be like, yeah, you did tell me. Wow, it just happened. So now it's going to be easier for me to embrace that and actually do something about it and have the.

Recognition and awareness about it. Because you'd already talked about it.

Exactly.

You do a lot of these events and workshops for, you know, hundreds of women at a time. Are women opening up in these experiences when you're connecting with them and saying, yes, I do lose the attraction, like appearances are important to me, or is it not as important? And you're from the events that you've done with the women you've talked to, what is the feedback on appearance and looks?

So I will say this. When it comes to appearance, looks and sex, women aren't as vocal and transparent in a group of people.

Really?

Yes.

But one on one with you, one.

On one, different story. So same thing. Like using the sex example. If I ask a group of women, are you getting orgasms regularly? There's going to be women in there who lie because they don't want to feel inadequate. They don't want to be the woman who doesn't raise their hand and say, yes, I'm getting it good. So they're going to be hesitant or not know how to answer it. But if I ask in private now, I'm going to get the real truth. Yes. And now she's going to be very clear about loss of attraction, lack of sexual satisfaction, and all these things. So that's why people have to be careful. Because I think sometimes we're assuming these issues don't really exist because we're not hearing it in that group setting. Don't be fooled. Some women just, they feel more comfortable privately expressing those things. And I've heard it enough times to know this is real. And again, you just have to, even if you haven't heard it enough times, pay attention. There's a reason why we're seeing people fall off in marriage. There's a reason why we're seeing this disconnect. And even when it comes to infidelity, there's a great focus on men who've cheated. But there's a lot of women who've cheated.

A lot of women.

And it's not always for emotional reasons. It's for sexual ones, too. So again, my thing is not to sit here and say, well, it's about who does work. It's about, okay, how do we fix this? How do we make this better? And we have to accept that, yes, there are contributing factors to why we see failed marriages, why we see infidelity, why we see disconnects in our relationships. Let's address the underlying issues and be honest about it so we can get this on the right track. Wow.

Are there any relationships that you're aware of that have open relationships that are successful, or do you think it's very hard to do? Because more and more with the burning man scene. And all these people exploring these things. What's your thoughts on, you know, open relationships or, you know, being together but also having multiple partners?

So I'm gonna be honest. I'm very skeptical of open relationships. Now, I don't want to sit here and say it's impossible for it to be successful because I haven't met everybody and I haven't studied it enough. But I have studied it to a certain extent. And from what I have found is, again, a lot of open relationships stem from one. The perception that one person can't fulfill me. And since one person can't fulfill me, why not have more than one? All right? And to me, find the person who's experienced that deep and genuine connection. They don't have that perception because they had a moment in their life where they met someone that they thought, this could be it. I could put my all into this, and I would be happy with this one person. If you haven't experienced that connection, of course there's a natural progression to thinking, well, maybe it's not going to work with just one. Can I entertain multiple? If I can even handle multiple. The other thing is, I do think it also stems from other. A lack of successful monogamy. And when I say a lack of successful monogamy, I don't necessarily mean that they weren't able to maintain monogamy. It's like, okay, if I get in this monogamous relationship and now I get cheated on, or I've had multiple relations where I've been cheated on, I may start to think, what's the point of trying to be monogamous?

Right. I'm gonna work anyways.

Exactly. Why not just get an open relationship? Which one allows me to not be so vulnerable to one person? I now have more. More emotional control. And what you'll find in a lot of situations is there's still somebody running that show. And what I mean by that is.

One of the people are running a show.

Exactly. And they're running it in a way that it's protecting them. All right? So I met a woman one time. She was into polyamory. And she said, well, her ideal polyamorous relationship was a man and a woman, but they're not allowed to have other people. All right? So it's like you're trying to control this environment for your sake, all right? For your protection. So that means there's something deeper going on here. So to me, I just tell people, when it comes to open relationships, if you really believe that's your thing, fine. I'm not here to tell people that they can't live their life that way, but I just want you to make sure you've healed from everything first. If you heal from everything and you still feel like this is for you, do your thing.

Do your thing.

But you might be surprised what's going to happen when you uncover and address some of these past traumas and issues. You may not be so inclined to want to be in this open relationship anymore. And again, I would still argue that if you meet that person you have that amazing connection with, it changes the game and it can completely throw you for a loop. Because I've seen people who were once into open relationships and completely shift to monogamy because they met that person and was like, I never thought this could happen, but it's here and I want it. I'm going for it.

Wow. What's one thing you wish men understood more about women in general? And one thing you wish women knew about men in general? Alright, every man and everyone's different. You know, everyone humans different. But in general, based on all the work you've done and the things you hear over and over again, one thing you wish men knew about women and women knew about men.

This may sound bad, but what's coming. I always just say what comes to mind, all right? Because I never practice any of these things is learn to look past her words. And what I mean by that is a lot of times, again, women don't always fully express themselves as much as women will say, men are horrible communicators. Women are actually horrible communicators. And it's because you. Yes, they talk, but they're not always clear. And part of it is because women can see past our words. All right? Sometimes to the point where they overanalyze and over rationalize things and it causes them to look at things the wrong way. But they know how to pay attention to all the small details. They understand if our moods are different. Even if we say we're okay, they're very in tune with that. So they kind of have that expectation with us. And though I want women to be more clear and transparent, I want men to be more aware and be more in tune with your partner. It's not just about her saying, I'm okay. Look at her. Pay attention. Does she show you she's okay? Does she really look like there's nothing going on right now? And if you can see past that, I'm not saying badger her. Because yes, she might not want to be badgered, but at least One so of true concern, concern for her feelings and show that you are going to be there for her when she is ready to let you know and have that talk. You want to create a very secure environment with your partner, a very safe environment where she can open up to you, she can be herself. And again, I do believe that starts with look past the words. And even in understanding how to keep her satisfied and happy. It's like the woman who says to you, you know, I need to buy me a anything for my birthday. All right, Exactly.

Don't listen to her words.

Exactly. Look past that. And even if you think she's telling the truth, you know what? There's nothing wrong with still doing a little special something for her. It just shows that, again, you're more in tune with what's really going on with her emotionally and not just what she's speaking. But I do believe that as you do that more often and you show a willingness to hear her out, we have to consider. Consider our partner's feelings. I think too many men don't consider their partner's feelings when you do that. She will become more transparent when she knows that she can be open and honest. And you're not going to reject how she feels or what she says or call it crazy. She'll be more willing to speak up about it. So I do think women, I mean, men, need to be more in tune, look past the words. As far as what I wish women would know with men. So it's kind of the flip side of that. He can't read your mind. Yeah, he can't read your mind. And a lot of times men generally just don't know there's a difference between the man who loves you but does not know how you want to be loved and the man who doesn't care about what you want and how you want to be loved. All right, don't confuse the two. Some guys not doing the right thing is simply a lack of knowledge and simply by lack of caring. Exactly. So it's like I tell women, you gotta be more specific. If you say, I need you to spend more time with me, what does that. How much time? Exactly. What are we doing together? Exactly. I have this example where I was counseling this couple, and the wife was like, he doesn't spend any time with me. I just want him to watch some TV with me, you know, whatever. So I said, okay, cool. I'm going to speak to your husband. We're going to get this worked out. So I spoke to him. He said, all right, deal I'll do it. I said, let's do it for a week. Let's see what happens. So a week passes, I said, what's the progress report? He says, man, I did everything you told me. I watched TV with her every single day. I was there, you know, I showed interest. I asked her, I said, what happened? Oh, he didn't do anything. I said, what do you mean? He said he watched TV with you? She said, yeah, he watched TV with me, but he was on one side of the couch and I was on the other side of the couch. So you see in his mind, if you asked me to watch TV with you, I did that in her mind.

Cuddle you and caress.

She wanted intimacy, she wanted desire to be shown. She wanted a closeness or non sexual intimacy is what I call it. And that's what she was really looking for. So on one end I can go back to the man and say, listen, look past the words. If she says, I want time with you, it usually means she wants a closeness to you. She wants to feel there with you. So be mindful of that. But on her end, be more clear, be more specific. It's not fair. Fair to hold it against him or to claim he doesn't care when you didn't explain to him what you need. I tell women all the time, one of the greatest tests to seeing if a man is serious about you is not seeing what he does on his own or what he already knows. It's seeing how he handles your desires and your feelings. If when you express those things to him, he makes the corrections, you're good, but you got to be specific, you got to make it clear. Let's see if he actually does. Does what you ask him to do. Because a man who's very much into you, he'll do it. I know plenty of husbands or men who are like, if she would just tell me what she wants, I'd give it to her, but he has no clue what she wants.

You won't make a long term commitment on short term feelings if you know it's not at least setting your you up for the best chance.

Yeah.

And long term commitment.

I try to be more careful with what I say. I try to be more careful to be. To have integrity in the promises that I make or to not make a promise simply because it's what someone wants to hear, you know, but to, but to say what's true, even if that's difficult and that's hard, that's not.

I'm not so hard to say something painful Yeah.

I don't want anyone to think that I'm on my high horse about that because I fail that test a lot. And I. And I'm doing my best always to try to be more of that man that I want to be in that respect. In terms of being single, I think the challenge for me is ironically. Ironically, it's meeting people. Yeah.

It's probably not hard for you to meet people, but you just mean, what quality people? You mean the right people?

Perhaps not even quality people, but just are introverted people.

Don't know that you're extremely introverted.

I am introverted. Although a huge part of my career has been showing people how to build the skills of the extrovert.

And you've had to overcome that in order to get what you want.

Yeah, I've done that my whole life. So when someone sees me on tv, people who don't know me, like you, Louis, think that that's a joke when I say it or that I'm pandering to some image to make people feel better.

Oh, it's real.

No, it's real.

But he doesn't leave the house unless he needs to.

Well, but that's changed. That's changed in recent years. I made a conscious effort to change that. But, you know, when I go on stage, I'm an extrovert. When I step out on tv, I'm an extrovert. Right now, in us talking, I'm an extrovert. I know how to turn that on when I want to. And I've learned that over time. And I think that no introvert should use being an introvert as an excuse to not learn those skill sets, which is why I've. The whole suite of programs I have is about showing people how to do that. But it's not so much that my introversion is the tricky part about being single, because I know how to overcome that, to go and meet people. It's more that I have to go back to. You know, it's funny that a huge amount of what I do is I show people how to meet people in real life, because that's actually my reality, is that I don't have the tools available to me that a lot of people have available to them. It's not. I haven't. I've chosen not to. I never say never. But I don't think it's advisable for me to get on Bumble or Tinder or whatever. Yeah. Or whatever. I don't think that that's advisable because I don't know, I think it would be. It would. That would be a tricky experience for me. So then, you know, the way other people are sitting at home in their pajamas meeting people. I don't really have that. The only way I'm going to meet someone is actually by going out is either if I get approached online somehow.

Yeah.

Through whatever social media, or if I go out and create activities. Now, activities require time and they require energy. And one of the things that this is something that I'm super interested in right now is I just read this book. I just read this book by Bertrand Russell or this essay by Bertrand Russell on it was called In Praise of Idleness. And Bertrand Russell essentially makes this case. He was a very controversial and lucid thinker in his time and amazing individual, very learned. He made this argument for the fact that we should all work four hours a day. Four hours of intense, focused work a day, and then the rest of the day, he said, should be used for active leisure. What he called active leisure. He describes passive leisure as sitting in front of a movie.

Yeah, right. I call that strategic messing around active leisure. It's like you're strategically messing around.

Right. He would. I imagine he would like that term because. Because. Because he was very much into the idea of play. He was very much into the idea of going and involving yourself in things, whether they're sports, whether they're activities, whether it's cooking, whether it's practicing something, learning something, going places, just being in nature and noticing things, writing, reading. These are. These are active leisure. And this is a thought that. I'm glad you asked me about this, Louis, because I'm progressing this thought right now and it's something that invite people to think about with me. I don't have a solid answer yet because I literally go. I read this book this week and it really made me attach attached to my own content in a way that I thought was really interesting. I have for a long time been calling people out on them, saying, I have work and I do this and I do that. So I never meet anyone because I have no time. And I look at it and I'm like, okay, it's true that those things are excuses and that we have to create time, but time is only as good as your energy. And if what a lot of us are experiencing, myself included, because I don't, like I said, I don't have that way of just meeting people online from my bed at night because I, like finish work at 9 o' clock and now I'm gonna lay in bed and meet some people.

Yeah.

Really? How? It's hard for me to do that. So I'm back to kind of where we were 30 years ago, where it's like, oh, I've got to live a life that brings me into contact with other people. And that is. Could be classed as a form of active leisure. But that active leisure requires energy and it does. So exhausted by our day that the only thing we have the energy to do is watch a series on Netflix is to sit and watch Tiger King, you know, Or I was like, yeah, I watched both of them, dude, I love it. But that's the thing at the end of the day, that's like the. Like, the only thing I want to do is sit. I don't even want to read. Why is it when I go on vacation, I used to, like, go on vacation, I'd be like, I've read three books this week. What the hell? Like, I love reading. I get so much out of it. It does so much for my life, so much for my mind. We're only having this conversation about this right now because I read a book this week. Why do I read three books on vacation and not at home? It's easy to say because you had more time. It's not because I had more time, it's because I had more energy because my useful hours were not on vacation being used for work. Because even if I finish at 7:00pm, like, you could say, well, you've got four hours to read before bed. It doesn't really energy.

You need time to unwind. You need.

So I read on vacation because I have energy to read now. It becomes active, not passive, leisure time. And what I'm fascinated by about this quarantine is that not all, not all people are finding themselves with this. There are plenty of parents with kids who are finding themselves with even less time and energy than before because now they're homeschooling in addition to doing their jobs and looking after their worrying about their elderly parents and so on. So it's false to say that everyone has more time right now, but there are a segment of people that have found themselves with more time. And what they're enjoying is not necessarily having more time. What they're enjoying is having more energy for active leisure. And now they're like, wow, I'm doing all these things. They're almost dreading the time when they have to go back to work because they're worried I'm enjoying these things I get to do right now. But what they're really saying is, I'm enjoying the energy available to do these things because often, even when it gets the weekend, I'm too exhausted to do anything. So apply that through the lens of dating, and what you see is a lot of people are not meeting people. This is what I'm. I know I'm talking so much, Louis, but I've got so much. My brain is so creative right now. I've got so many things bouncing around.

I just turned a bad mood day into a good mood day.

It's. Well, of course, what makes them good mood day is flow states, losing yourself in moments, in thoughts, in ideas. And that's why we need more time, more energy. More energy to do those things. So through the dating lens.

Yes. People looking to date right now.

Yeah. I'm really curious about how people can you. How people can start to see that, okay, it might not be your fault that you're not meeting a lot of people, because it's not just tied into your dating life. It's tied into everything. How hard you're working or how much exhaustion you experience working, you would never imagine actually has a tremendous impact on your ability and your dating life, in your ability to flirt, in your ability to go and take on new activities.

Because you don't have the energy.

No, you don't.

You have the creative energy to go out and say, okay, I'm going to approach this person online and do a special FaceTime. That's something creative.

The irony is right now, people have more energy to date, but it's harder to date because they're. John Kay wrote this book called Obliquity about how results are achieved indirectly. So if you want to get rich, don't focus on making money. Focus on all the things that provide a valuable service, that add something to the world, that give you time to think, and that's what makes you, quote, rich financially. It's not focusing on getting rich. And the same is true of our dating lives. It's all of those things that we don't even associate with our dating lives that have a tremendous impact on our dating lives. Whether it's, you know, reading books and now you have something to talk about on a date. Who would know that reading Bertrand Russell's essay on In Praise of Idleness would have an impact on how interesting you are on a date? Well, it does, because now you can. This is a date, right? We're on a date. We're having a conversation. We've got plenty to talk about. Because I read a book this week.

Because I'm making myself more Interesting. By learning, by practicing something.

And who would think that reducing your workload or that saying no to more is going to have an impact on whether you meet the love of your life? Not through any direct reason, but indirectly. Because saying no to more means you have more energy, which means you have more time for active leisure, which means you're putting yourself in more situations where you might meet someone. You do join that running club, you do go to that evening lecture. You do join that cooking course where you just happen to meet someone.

Yeah, I think Tony Robbins was the one who said this, that the key to a successful relationship is creativity and caring. And it's the amount of your creativity and the amount of your caring towards someone else and focusing on them, their needs, being creative towards it. And hopefully that will be reciprocated so that they're caring and creative with your needs and your attention and your time. It's the ability to do both. And if you are not, if you're caring but you're not creative, you're eventually going to lose that spark, energy, intimacy, desire. It takes both. And you're the expert. So I don't know if it takes more than that as well. But obviously I think you got to be creative when you're trying to find someone to date. If you're not creative, why would they date you? Just on how you look.

One of the most valuable things I did this year was to go with you to Poland, which you very kindly invited me to, to be part of that little tribe. And it was one of the most valuable things. Not for the obvious reasons that people would think that, look, you're overcoming something tremendously difficult by doing this immersion work in the cold, in the ice and snow. It was one of the most valuable things I did because at the beginning of the year, instead of racing into my work, instead of racing into all of these, the treadmill of another year, we took a week, put the phones away, and we just had time to think, to talk, to listen to other people with other businesses, with other points of view, and to do something that was different to anything I would normally do that sparks creativity like nothing else. And one of the reasons that we get stuck in business is because all we do is our business.

Yeah.

One of the reasons we get stuck in our relationship is because we're not doing anything new. We're not, actually. We're not. It's not like you need to shake things up. No, it's not about shaking things up. It's just about giving yourself, like something, something new to Engage a part of your brain that you don't normally engage is why a couple that decides to like go dancing for the night, who normally would think that's embarrassing and awkward and wouldn't normally do it, find that it changes something. It changes something in the relationship for a couple of days. We don't give ourselves new things to think about enough. And this is which we're traversing between business and love and everything here. But I think your audience, I know they love that as I do as well. For many years, Louis, I was in, you know, I would say no to many, many things outside of the direct scope of my company because I would see that as me being laser focused on growing this thing that I really cared about. And I would see anything else that wasn't to do with that as a distraction, very utilitarian approach. And meanwhile I would see my brothers painting and cooking and doing, you know, doing other things like writing. And they would explore other interests. And I, it's not like I didn't for one second look down on that. I just thought, oh, I. But I need to focus myself a thousand percent on this if I'm going to get to where I want to be. I've come to look at that as focus is a strength, but it can also be a weakness because it stops you from doing other things that would actually give you a different level of creativity in that core thing that's really interesting to you. And if you never do anything outside the scope of what you do, you're going to find quickly you don't have a lot to say. And that's a problem. Sometimes you have to do something new. It doesn't even matter what it is necessarily. It just matters that it takes your brain to a different train of thought, a different idea, a different moment. I had a hamster when I was a kid and my dad once, I used to keep his cage all neat and tidy, right? And it was the only pet I had. I think I was like 9 years old or something. It was the only pet I had because my dad was allergic to everything else. And I had this hamster, I used to keep his cage like really tidy. And like my dad, one day I come home from school and the hamster wheel is just turned on its side and a hamsters just standing there staring at it. And I looked over at my dad and I was like, why is his wheel like that? I was kind of annoyed. I was like, that's his wheel supposed to run on it, why is it on its side? And my dad Said, oh, I turned it up. I turned it on its side.

Why?

Why'd you do that? He goes, give him something to think about. And I thought. He goes, he's in his. He literally said, he's in his ca. My dad doesn't like any. I today feel the same way, but even back then, my dad was like, why is he in a cage? Why do we have these things in cages? Or whatever. My dad said, he's in his cage all day. He has nothing else to do. It's the same wheel, same thing, same fuck. Everything's the same. I gave him something to think about today, and at the time, I didn't get it. And I look back down.

I laugh.

But it's. We're not like sometimes. We're so used to getting our house exactly the way we know it all the time and having the wheel just turning the same way. Sometimes turning the wheel on its side and giving yourself something else to think about is one of the most valuable things you could do for your life, for your relationship, for your mental health, for your creativity, for everything.

It's the presence to the quality of time. And I'm sure the more time you have, better. But it's got to be quality time. From my personal experience, are you finding that that's what I guess women and men want as well? When you're coaching people, these issues go both ways.

Men can have the same insecurities as women can in these situations, and it comes down to which partner might feel busier, which one has got more to do. Right now. It could be like, if you. It's a tough situation. If one person in a relationship right now and they're living under the same roof feels like they've got tons to do and tons of purpose and tons, you know, like, I can lose myself in my mission and what I'm doing right now and their partner and be fine.

And your partner has lost the job or lost this or.

Right or. I haven't figured out what my thing is yet. I don't know what, you know, you have your mission. I don't know, like, what I'm saying.

What do I do? I'm waiting for you to come home every day.

Yeah, right. Yeah. I'm sitting here picking random hobbies out of thin air because I feel like everyone keeps telling me now's the time to learn a hobby. So I'm like, should I learn guitar?

Right. Or worse, I'm on social media watching everyone else's perfect relationship and everyone else thriving, and I feel less than.

Yeah. Exactly. And that, by the way, that's really. We've got to be really careful of that right now. We're used to. We're used to comparing ourselves to others on social media through the lens of, you know, we're seeing their highlight reel of their. Of their life. You know, oh, they're traveling now. Look at them sipping a beach on the cocktail. Look at them doing this skydive. Look at. We're seeing the highlight reel of their life. I think now we're seeing the highlight reel of people's emotions. So in quarantine, people don't have that life. Right. We've not got all of these activities that we could be doing, but where all of a sudden seeing that moment where someone's just finished their yoga workout and they post and they're like, you know, I got this quarantine, just did my yoga, blah, blah, blah. And you're like, exactly. But. Exactly. But you're not seeing, like, Matthew Hussey in the moment where he's, like, super grumpy and, like, irritable and just like, today is not. This is not my day and I'm not feeling it today, and I don't want to make a video today. And. And I've made a point of saying things like that out loud because I. I think it's important that people get the full spectrum of what other people are going through, because guess what, Other people are going to dark places. Other people are having their freak outs. Other people are having those moments of depression or deep melancholy. People are having those. But it's not necessarily the things that they're posting about, especially in the worlds that we operate in, Louis, where there's a hell of a lot of people wanting to show how well they're doing under circumstances, how positive they're being and so on.

Yeah, what would, what advice would you give to people that are feeling really lonely because they just went through a breakup, whether it be the end of the year or months ago or maybe, you know, they just went through a breakup this week in the middle of quarantine, and they're lonely, they're alone, they're emotionally hurt, and they're needing that kind of quick connection again. They're needing. They might go back to the person because they're feeling weak and they miss that feeling of connection or love or intimacy, but they know it's not the right fit for them long term. They know, but this is in a heightened state of vulnerability for them that they go back quicker. What advice do you have to someone like that very hard. Very hard.

I have so much. Firstly, a breakup, even under normal circumstances, is a tremendously difficult thing. I shouldn't say a breakup because there are many joyous breakups we go through. But a truly. When you experience true heartbreak, it is one of the most devastating feelings in the world.

Devastating.

You're a zombie.

You're dead inside.

And. And it's worse than you're dead inside. You act dead to everybody else inside. You feel like you're dying. Loop all day.

You can't get out of it. Yeah, yeah.

In a breakup. And this is as true now. Now is no different. People need to. People need to recognize that now is just a difficult breakup. On steroids. Right. If you're going through heartbreak right now, you're just doing it on steroids. But it's just the same emotions. So don't fret that. Oh, my God, why did it have to happen now when this was going on? You're giving it a big story. It's still just the same emotions of heartbreak. You're just experiencing them in a very. In a heightened way.

And you don't have the ability to rebound physically with that person or a.

New person, which we could see as a gift.

Right. Why is that a gift?

Because there are plenty of things. As my brother Stephen Hussey, a wonderful writer for our website, as he says, in a breakup, there are two methods of recovery. There's the athlete recovery method and there's the hangover recovery method. You're going to like this, Louis.

I love it.

You haven't heard it before, but you're going to love it because the analogy is perfect for you.

I love it.

The hangover recovery method. You think about, how do people deal with a hangover? They wake up, they eat greasy foods because they're like, oh, I just need something to make me feel better. They watch crap TV, they lay on the sofa, they wake up at 2pm yeah. All the blinds, don't let any light in. Eat ice cream. Essentially they do all of these things that are temporary kind of pleasure and comfort, but ultimately are not nutritional and are not the things that are needed to get, you know what's needed. Massive amounts of hydration, water. Go take a walk, sunshine.

Exercise.

Yeah. Get the metabolism moving again. Get that like crap out of your system. Like that's all the stuff that's needed in that moment. But it can feel harder to do the things that actually going to get you out of it. Now look at the way an athlete recovers in an injury. Right. You know better than anybody. You, you don't. Firstly, you still train whatever you can train. You don't ignore everything simply because your shoulders injured. You do what you can.

Yeah, you do some abs, you do some legs, you do something else.

Right? Let me keep a swimming. Yeah, exactly. You eat well, you get tons of rest, as much rest as you possibly can. You do rehab where necessary, but you don't do so much that it injures what you're doing.

Yeah, you reset your vision, you visualize what you want and start mentally rehearsing the reps, the repetition, the action steps. You mental rehearse all those things. Right?

So now if you apply that to a breakup, the hangover recovery method is let's go and sleep with other people quickly just to get my fix. Just to feel connected, just to feel like I'm worth something. Just to feel like I'm still sexy. Let me go out and drink party. Let me eat ice cream, bad food.

Keep going to the get on Tinder and all the apps.

Right. Or not. Or just hide away under the covers. Don't engage life. It could be either or. But they're all hangover recovery methods because they don't make you feel better long term. They're just short term pleasure. The athlete recovery method in a breakup is you do the same as an athlete. You say, okay, my heart might be injured right now, right? My heart's offline, so to speak, but I still have everything else. So let me make sure the rest of my life is firing on all cylinders right now. Let me do everything. Let me be kind to myself. Let's maybe like put dating aside for the moment or put that. But let me go and make platonic connections. Let me go and build my relationships with my friends and family. Let me eat well, let me sleep well, let me train. Let me go and do all of these things that train every other muscle in my life so that when my heart comes back online, every other part of me is ready to go. So you've got one problem right now. You're in pain, right? But if that pain causes you to let every other part of your life go down spiral, now you've got six problems that that's the part we want to avoid.

Before we continue this video, make sure to subscribe below and turn on the notification bell right now so you don't miss out on these great videos every single day. When is the appropriate amount of time to know that this person could be one of the people that you spend the rest of your life with a long time with could be your love partner. When should we actually know in our gut, in our mind, and bring it together that, okay, this is the person? Is it a moment instance? Yes. Or is it once you learn after months, what do you think?

It's very instant and immediate. So here's the thing. Society has brainwashed us to believe that love and identifying it takes time. That's a lie. In most situations. When it takes months, you have not fallen in love. You've learned to tolerate them. You've grown attached to them, all right?

You've enjoyed a part of the process. It's giving you connection. You're not lonely.

Exactly. And when you've invested months, you are more likely to not want to walk away from it because all the time and energy you put in. So now you mistake stake attachment to the investment as love. And it's not really love. When you sit down with people who can say they felt a real or they have a real connection with their partner. I think every story, I don't know of any one story that's opposite of this, they will all say it was pretty much instant first date. You may not know 100% fact, I'm going to marry this person. But you knew the potential was there. You knew, like, this could be the one that at least came to mind. And so again, when we don't have that in that first conversation that first day, it's unlikely. I'm not gonna sit there and say it's impossible that it can happen days later or a week later or whatever. But typically, and even if you can't articulate it as you knew, they could be the one. When people look back, they can tell you that they felt something very strong in that initial engagement with their partner that said they knew something was different. They may not even know what it was, but they knew, okay, this isn't normal. This isn't like the rest. Something's going on here, and then there's a full realization of this is it.

What is that something that we can't understand? That feeling, what is that called? Is that just like your. Your magnets connected to each other, is that your energy is so attracted because there's so much opposites or it's so much similarities. What is that force that gets people to say there was something different about this person when I met them?

I personally believe it's your spirit recognizing its match. Because if you speak to a lot of people of different religious beliefs, there's a belief that things happen in the spirit before they happen in the physical.

All right?

So it's almost like the spirit is ahead of us, which is why the spirit knows the truth, which is why intuition, gut instinct, third eye, whatever you want to call it, it always seems to be accurate because your spirit knows before you know. So we're feeling it within our spirit. The problem is it's getting our mind in tune with the spirit. It's allowing our heart to accept what the spirit is saying to us. But we feel it, we just don't know how to always explain it. Those who are very in tune with the spirit can recognize it much quicker and accept it for what it is much quicker because they're very in tune already.

Why is it so hard for our mind and our heart to get caught up to our gut or intuition of that initial explosion of chemistry? And also, can that explosion of connection and chemistry be harmful in a different way?

Okay, so one fear. Fear is the number one reason why we struggle to accept. So one of the things I explained to a lot of women, and I have my membership group for them, so I've had this discussion where I say, listen, the difference between intuition and fear is logical deduction. So when you're trying to analyze and break things down, that's your mind, all right? And fear is coming into that because you're saying, well, I shouldn't do this because of that, or this can't be this because of that. Intuition requires no logic. Your spirit requires no logic. It simply feels, it senses, it knows. That's it. You don't have to explain. Again, gut instinct doesn't require things to logically add up. It just tells you this is it or something's wrong or this is right, or whatever the case may be. So fear is the number one thing. And that fear stems from lack of healing from past relationships. We've been down this road of emotional investment. We've gotten hurt before. We've been wrong in our lives about wanting to believe someone could be it. Even though we know this feels different, we still have the fear of disappointment that creeps back in.

How do we let go of that fear and not sabotage an amazing opportunity in a relationship?

You gotta heal from your past. There's no way around it. And this is why I say people who have not healed, they can meet their connection right now, the most amazing partner, and it will scare them to death. And they will either run self sabotage or something. It's gonna be a problem because they have not healed. And when you have not healed, the vulnerability that's required in connection is so unlike anything else. Or with Anyone else that if you don't have a level of confidence and again, a foundation of healing in your life, it seems way too overwhelming and scary. So you've got to heal in order to not find yourself sabotaging runaway and not being able to embrace that real love.

What if both parties come to something and there's this explosion of chemistry or just instant, like, wow, there's something different feeling and both have not healed their past, but they stay together, they figure it out and they're together. Is there going to be a lot of problems and trauma and stress that comes up over the years if they both haven't healed before they get into a relationship? Or can they heal in the relationship together?

It is possible. Let me backtrack a little bit. First, let me say that people have to understand there is the such thing as right person, wrong time.

All right?

People don't want to believe that. There are a lot of people who reject that idea. They say, oh, if it's the wrong time, it's not the right person. That's not true. You can meet that individual that you have an amazing connection with, but both parties still need growth before they can come together. All right? And so now what happens if they.

Come together and they haven't healed?

So here's the thing. It is possible to get through that and survive and have a healthy relationship. It is unlikely for most people to survive being with someone you have a connection with and you have not healed. Again, most people won't even allow themselves to be with that person.

They'll sabotage it so much, they'll dive in, but then they'll cheat or they won't respond to the person. They'll do something, right?

Yes. And speaking of cheating, they tend to have a history of going back to an ex because the ex feels safer, because it's not as vulnerable over there.

All right?

I can maintain more emotional control. It's familiar, so it's easier. So I've seen plenty of situations where, again, the connection was so overwhelming, so they ran back to their ex, knowing the ex is not for them and they're not for their ex. But again, it just feels safer there. So, yes, a lot can go wrong if you try to be together when you have not healed and you have this connection, it would be best to acknowledge. Okay, you know what? We got some work we need to do. We realize we have a connection here. Let's work on ourselves in the meantime before we take that next step.

Can you heal while having sex with one or multiple partners for fun? On the side.

I'm not going to say it's impossible, but again, highly unlikely. Sex is such a distracting thing. And we have to understand that so much can come from our sexual interactions. There can be new drama, there can be hell, an unwanted pregnancy. There can be a host of things. And all of that will derail you in the healing process. You also have to be honest with yourself. You may be having the sex because you're trying to distract yourself from the healing. Like the sex is just a coping mechanism for you. Same as drugs, same as alcohol. People turn to these things because they don't want to deal with their reality in life. So you got to be honest. Are you trying to just bury your head in sexual interactions or is it just. If it's happening a natural flow of life, okay, then there's a greater chance that you can survive this. But you got to be really careful. I would suggest cutting that off if you're trying to heal. You know, again, I don't want to say it's impossible, but you're going to make it extremely difficult and highly unlikely, for sure.

I want to ask you about the best ways to meet someone these days. 2020 moving forward, the do's and don'ts for online dating. But what I'm hearing you say is that you shouldn't be trying to meet someone. You shouldn't be doing the online dating game until you've fully healed or at least the process of healing. Because healing is a journey. Sometimes things take a lot longer to heal fully, but at least acknowledging and starting that process. What would be a process to start healing your past relationships or pains before we get into the conversation of do's and don'ts of online dating.

Okay, so of course going to a therapist or coach is the ideal thing to do. You typically need that outside party that can help you process some things, help you see new perspectives and go through a process of healing. Now, I will be honest, not every coach or therapist is going to help someone heal. Sometimes it just turns into a venting session. So you've got to be real careful about. Okay, if I've been going to this therapist or coach for many weeks or months now, what progress have I really made? Have I been resolving or have I been coping? Because many are teaching you how to cope and manage and how to function within your brokenness, but they're not resolving it and helping you heal. Now, of course, I'm big on healing, so I have my book Love After Heartbreak, which gives people the exact steps to healing. So one of the Steps I'll give you, the first step is getting the hurt out in front of you. So it's this who hurt me? List. And so you get a piece of paper, you write down who hurt me? And you ask yourself the question, who hurt me? And now everyone who comes to mind, you put them on the paper. Doesn't matter if it happened very long ago, doesn't matter if you think you move past it. If they come to mind when you ask the question, then that means there's some kind of relevance there. And so now you put them on the paper and like two sentences of what they did to hurt you. This will now at least help us identify what you've been holding onto and where the hurt is and what needs to be properly addressed. And then from there we can do the other steps of getting things off your chest and forgiveness and all these different things that's involved.

I love that I'm. I'm a big proponent of writing letters to people that you never send them, telling them how you made you feel, what you're. What you're frustrated and angry about with them, forgiving them, letting it go. And then I like to burn the letter and bury it as well in the ground to hopefully create a sense of like, okay, this was alive in me and now I'm killing this and this, this feeling, this energy, and I'm putting it to bed and I'm putting it back in the world to hopefully create something new, to grow something new and more loving and powerful and create that intention. But I think that's really important. When should we know that we have. Are healed enough? How do we know when our healing has gone far enough down its journey before we should get into meeting someone new, putting ourselves out there on social media, online dating apps and things like that.

All right, well, first thing I want to say is now there are going to be times where sending the letter to the person is actually the best thing to do do.

Really?

Yes. A lot of people are scared about that, and it's a very difficult hurdle to jump. But I literally got a DM today from a woman who read the book. She wrote her letter last year. It was to her mother. She didn't want to send it. She held onto it. She said she just finally built up the courage because I tell them in the book, 99% of the time, I'm going to tell you to send the letter. So she finally did it. And she said they end up having the best conversation they've ever had in their life. Now they're like the best of friends, it's taking their relationship to a whole new level. That's not the purpose of sending it. But there's so much good that can come from taking the extra step of actually sending the letter and making sure that person is aware of how you felt and what you were going through. Now, in regards to knowing when you've properly healed, number one thing is when you can embrace being fully vulnerable with somebody. All right, if vulnerability still scares you, you have not healed enough. All right? You've got to be willing to open your heart. We can't say we want love and then put walls up around our heart and be afraid to give it to someone. You're contradicting yourself. You're working against yourself. So you've got to be willing to be vulnerable. You also have to make sure any negative perceptions that you've held onto due to past experiences, you've done away with them. So, for example, if you have been saying, all men are dogs because you've been hurt by so many men, well, you can't be out there dating and still screaming, all men are dogs. It's not going to work in your favor. You've got to accept that good men exist, that you can receive a great man, that you deserve a great man. So when you have a more positive outlook and way of thinking and listen, we're going to all have our negative thought moments. That happens. But your dominant or more consistent thought pattern is positive, hopeful, and things of that nature. Now we can say you're ready to get back out there.

How important is the language or the inner thoughts, the actual physical words we use in the inner language, the inner dialogue, in terms of attracting or finding the right partner?

It's extremely important. You know, we hear it all the time. Words are power. And the reality is that the words you speak to yourself, the thoughts you have, they will, whether knowingly or unknowingly to you. They will dictate your energy, the energy that you give off to people or the way that your spirit comes across to individuals. And so you can put on a happy face, but if your thought is negative, pessimistic, all right, and dwelling in this, then your energy will still be negative. All right? What you do on the surface isn't going to be able to hide that, which is why you have some people who swear, well, I'm not a bad person. Yeah, but you're not a positive person. All right, you may be good people, but no, you are miserable. And it's not even just you're miserable. Like you're dwelling in it in your life, but you give off miserable energy. And so who's going to want to be around that? Who's going to want to commit to that? At the most, they might want to have sex with you, but they're not going to want to tie themselves to you in a committed, long term relationship or marriage.

And people can feel that energy. I don't care if you're a man, woman or in between, you can feel the energy of someone. And if you haven't healed properly yourself, you may be attracted to a wounded individual to then try to find some validation or try to find some connection there. And that's why it's important for you to heal, so that you can fully see the energy around you and see who is a potential great match for you. Because if you haven't healed, you're going to keep attracting negativity and repeating certain patterns. Is that correct?

That is absolutely correct. And if you talk to any person who has healed, they can tell you how they feel energy even more now where they become more aware. It's so much easier to see past the facades that so many people are putting up because now healing allows us to get more in tune with our spirit. And by getting more in tune with our spirit, we get more in tune with everyone's spirit. Because technically we are all connected through the spirit. All right? And so it's easier to be in touch with that when you get away. Get rid of the blockage of trauma, past disappointments and hurts, disappointments, things of that nature.

It's powerful stuff, man. I'm still trying to get one of my first questions, which is, what's the best way to meet someone these days in online dating? But it sounds like that's so far ahead of what you need to be thinking about first. Like, have I started to heal? Are there people who have hurt me? Is there people that I need to apologize to? You know, all these different things. It's almost like you got to do the work before you can start doing the work of finding someone.

Absolutely.

So I think it's important for us to remind people of this process first before we say, okay, you've done the work, you started the process of healing. You feel like you can open your heart and be vulnerable to anyone and it's not going to hurt you and cripple you. Now, once you've done that, what's the best way to meet someone these days? You know, they got tons of social media apps now. We got people just swiping left and right on TikTok and Tinder and Bumbles and what else, whoever else knows is out there. I feel like if I was a single man right now, it would just be chaos because option overload. Nothing's ever good enough. Comparison overload. Like, where do we meet someone these days who is a quality human being that could be a potential great partner for us?

So I definitely think people need to get rid of the negative stigma they have of online dating. I think, again, it's a tool to meet people more conveniently and in times like this, it's probably the best tool. Let's be real. I mean, even if you try to go out, certain cities are limited. You're not gonna see as much people out anymore. So if you thought it was hard to meet people going out before, well, it just got harder. So being open to online dating I think would be the best bet. I think what people have to realize is. So I've gone on some of these sites to do research and see what's going on, and I can tell you that people's online profiles are pure trash. Like, the majority of people have no damn clue what they're doing with these online dating profiles. And I believe it's because many have this one foot in, one foot out approach. It's like, I'm going to just try this because there's nothing else going on, but I'm not actually committed to the process of making this work and how it's like a.

They're just bored. This is like entertainment. This is. They're craving connection and intimacy, but they don't want to fully commit and they.

Don'T fully buy into the fact that it can work. Like, I have clients who have gotten married from online dating. So it can work. Now, does it guarantee you a husband or wife? No. But does it pretty much guarantee you can meet people and have some options to decide if you want to move forward? Yes. But again, you've got to be smart about how you invest in the process and how you set up your profile and things of that nature to help you become more successful.

What are the do's and don'ts of online dating? And I'm going to make a general assumption here, correct me if I'm wrong, that men in general go on online dating sites to find people to hook up with in general and women go on to more find a great potential partner. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that's the general mindset.

Is that right? I think that's a general mindset. I Do think it varies depending on the site. Like, I believe a site that makes men pay has a higher chance of serious relationship minded men being on there because the guy who just wants to hook up is less likely to want to spend any money if he can go to a free site. And it's just, you know, a free fall on there. So I do think that certain sites give a better opportunity for serious relationships. But as far as do's and don'ts, one don't. I'm gonna start with a don't is don't make it all about what you want. Meaning people don't go on online dating and present their value. And so why would I choose you out of all these people online when I don't know what you bring to the table, what value you present? It's like, listen, in marketing, the job is to present value to the consumer. To say, this is why you should buy my product. We dress it up properly, we pick the right colors, the right wording. It's all about hitting your target market and appealing to them. And I feel like people don't do that. They go online, they make it. Well, I'm looking for this, I don't want this.

Boom, boom, boom, boom.

All right? But I don't see any value here, so why would I reach out to you? So I think that's a big don't, don't make it all about you. Make it about what you bring to the table and what value you provide.

Make yourself desirable. So you start attracting options as opposed to saying, well, yeah, I'm only looking for this guy and this, and you have to be smart and rich and this. It's like you're already too much to handle right now.

Yes, yes.

Okay, so that's, number one, build something. Create desire for someone to be attracted to you. What else?

Number two, have enough pictures on your profile. So many people jump on again because it's one foot in, one foot out. They put one picture up. Now listen, we live in a time where catfishing is popular and nobody wants to be catfished. If you only have one picture up, you become a very skeptical or you make people very skeptical of your profile, all right? And so you gotta show people the full you. So not only have one picture, but I always say have at least one full body picture. Let people know what they're getting into. Because the last thing you want is to have these beautiful headshots, all right? And someone choose you based off of that. Then you meet in person, and the rest of you doesn't look like the way they wanted you to look, and now you have a wasted date, wasted time. You get discouraged. Let's stop doing that to ourselves and to each other. Let's show the full version of who we are. Someone either likes it or they don't. All right, so I take three to four pictures in your profile.

That's interesting. And would someone ever change their mind based on personality only of like, oh, well, they're. Maybe it wasn't the way I wanted them to look, but they're such a nice person and I have this personality that I'm going to give it another date. Or are you saying, like, allow people to see the full picture of who you are, at least to a certain level? Obviously, you're not going to share your whole life story and open up all your flaws right away. You're going to put your best foot forward, but at least see kind of a full picture of your life in five to six photos. I guess.

I think that unfortunately, it depends on how far you've deviated from their perception or the fantasy that they put in their head. So I don't want to sound harsh, but let's just say they looked at your picture and they thought you were an athletic person. They thought you had an athletic frame. All right? Now when they see you, you're plus size. That may be too far of a deviation for them to say, oh, but the personality is good enough. All right, now, they may have envisioned athletic, but you're like, a little bit off from that. Okay, well, you know what? She's a great or he's a great person. I can work with this. That's not gonna push them too far to the left. You know what I'm saying? So it really depends on how far you've deviated. And that's why the pictures helps eliminate that issue. We don't need the guessing game. We don't need people feeling some kind of way once they finally see you. Don't use old pictures from 10 years ago if they don't represent how you currently look. You wanna show your true self now and let them decide if they want to step into this or not.

Is there another do or don't.

Do not come off negative in your profile. So it kind of goes back to the whole saying what you want or making it all about you. Many people, and I have to say this happens a lot with women. They come off like, well, if you're this, don't reach out to me or I don't want this. The tone is very negative. All Right. Like, I'm not here to play games. Okay, cool. That's not gonna get you anywhere. That just makes you come off as difficult. All right? So you want to come off with a more positive, inviting tone. You want to be very mindful of your delivery in your bio, in your message or your headline or whatever. All that negative stuff, especially for women, is not going to get you far if you're looking for a serious relationship. Again, men will bypass the negative energy if they just want sex and you look good to them, but they're not going to bypass that to make you their woman and to commit to you or marry you.

Right. That's powerful for women to know for sure. And do you think women can make the first move and it could work out long term?

Absolutely. And I honestly think when it comes to online dating, they should. My logic is this. As a woman, you jump on online dating. Let's say you're an attractive woman, you put up your profile, and now in a couple days, it's a sea of garbage that comes your way, all right? And you gotta fish through the sea of garbage to find your diamond in the rough. And through that process, it can be very exhausting. You can find yourself feeling like, this is pointless. And now you get off the platform. However, you should go and find the men you want to put yourself in front of, all right? Making it easier for you to get candidates you actually would like. And for women, we don't require much. You can just say hello, all right?

Or a smiley face or whatever emoji.

You can send a blank damn message, all right? If we are attracted to you and we find interest, we will respond. Did you mean to say that to me, like, we're gonna look into it? So to me, it would be best and most beneficial for women to just send out, again, just simple messages to the men that actually catch their interest.

Right. And see if they're interested in return. Yeah, exactly. My friend Matthew Hussey, I think he calls this in person, like the handkerchief technique, where he's like, listen, women, you know, look them in the eyes from across the restaurant or at the grocery store. Like, look a man in his eyes or connect with him in a flirtatious way, a little bit subtle little way. Or, you know, back in the olden days, they would drop a handkerchief as they walked by a man to see if they would pick it up and bring it to them. So it's like, allow a man to be interested in connecting with you, because it takes a lot of courage, even if you're online to put yourself out there to someone you're attracted to.

It's.

It's easier to obviously just message someone online and not be rejected and feel so sad than it is in person. But it's still. You've got to put some energy out there for the guys that you're interested in for sure and see which ones are like, going to take a nibble, you know? Exactly. Come on the hook.

So that's it.

I love that man. What's the best opening line for a man or woman in online dating? To reach out to someone to peak interest and see if it's a potential for something.

Okay. For men, what you want to do is you want your opening line to reference something she's written in her profile, which shows you actually took time to read her profile.

You care. Yeah. You research. Exactly.

And it automatically separates yourself because let's face it, a woman on there might be getting tons of hellos, you look amazing, you look great, blah, blah, blah. She's heard that a million times. But let's just say she just got her degree in, I don't know, in it. All right, and now you say, oh, you know, hey, what do you like about it? I don't know. You just make some kind of reference to it. It just shows that you took more time to actually learn. You come across much more genuine, and the message is immediately different from the typical man who reaches out to her. So I think that's the best approach for men to take. And it also allows for a natural conversation to flow because, you know, when you started with the whole, hello, where are you from? It's like, exactly. But when you have a pick a topic, using her profile to start it off, you got something you can get rolling from there and then you can get into all the other stuff.

And people always appreciate someone who takes the time to research. People always appreciate a different approach, a different angle, like a uniqueness to something about you. But if you're always the same as everyone else is, like, hey there, cutie, or whatever it is, you're going to get the same type of results. But when you are a little different, they say, huh, Something's different about that person. Let me keep talking.

Absolutely, absolutely.

You have a life partner and still.

Have a love story.

Of course, of course you want the life partner to. To be a love story too. But the love stories per se are not life stories. It's different ingredients, it's different values.

There's some things that you don't need.

In order to have a beautiful love story with someone.