Get Him ADDICTED - All Men Want THESE 7 THINGS From Women! | Matthew Hussey

People, I think, don't go into relationships with a healthy view of what is required over the long term.

Pay attention to what your partner actually needs. You say you're gonna show up to spend really mindful time together. You gotta then show up for that.

Finding the right partner these days can be really tough. And sometimes it seems easier to just give up on dating. But in this video, relationship expert Matthew Hussey teaches us how to find the right partner and thrive in any relationship. I really want to cover three main, I guess, distinctions or experiences that I think people are in right now during this episode in this interview. One is living with someone and being in a relationship while being quarantined. Two is being in a relationship long distance to during this time. And three is looking for love, but unable to put yourself out there physically and meet people in person. And I want to start with people in relationships who are in a small space or feel like they're confined or trapped and can't get out. And some people might be thriving in this time, but I'm hearing a lot of people who are dming me, and I'm sure you're getting a lot of private messages from people saying, this is not the person I thought. It was that I got in a relationship or married, especially the marriages. This, you know, I feel like I can't communicate with this person. This person is grumpy every day. They're unable to open up. It was hard for them to show their emotions before. Now they won't even show anything. What do you say to people that feel like, man, I feel like this is a test, a big test for us, whether we're going to make it or break it. Should people be so quick to ending something? if they can't figure out this time of adversity, or do we give people a pass because everyone's stressed out? What's your thoughts on living with someone right now? And it's going really bad.

It's weird, isn't it? Because on one level, we're experiencing just more of who our partner actually is.

Right.

We're just seeing, you know, we don't see that side. There's this funny tweet that went around and it was from a woman. Sorry, I can't credit this person. I can't remember, but she said something like, you know, she heard her husband say something on the phone, like, let's circle back. And she was like, I had no idea. My husband was a let's circle back guy.

Who knew?

Because you've never heard him on the phone before. He's always at work.

Yeah, and that's kind of perfect because you are seeing a dimension of your partner that you don't normally see. And that can be quite surprising for people. For some people, it will be sexy because it's like all of a sudden my partner's at home and I see them on a business call and I'm like, oh, that was a kind of a turn on. Seeing my partner like in their element, powerful, doing their thing, other people will cringe.

Let's circle back on that, Jerry.

And then there's gonna be a lot of, you know, people who just that there are sides of their partners that they find in heavy doses are quite unmanageable and normally they're only getting that in 30% of their day or 20% of their day. How many relationships survive because people only get each other for 20% of the day? Think about it in terms of long distance. If you look at the extreme end of the spectrum, normally how many long distance relationships survive because those two people aren't in the same place. And then the moment they come to the same city, not even perhaps to live together, but they come to move to the same city, it all falls apart. There's a line that my boxing trainer said to me once. He said, or he said, like I was talking to him about someone, he said, are you in love with this person's presence or are you in love with their absence? And I said, like, because some of us, we're in love, but what we're really in love with is the absent version of them. The version of them we can talk about, we can think about, the version of them we can fantasy. Yeah, we can project something onto them. Are you in love with their absence or their presence? And a lot of people are finding out they're not in love with the presence of their partner.

Right? You know, the thing you're saying right here, Yo Yo Ma, I think he said this quote, that music happens between the notes. and I know the power of being with your partner and separating, having space, coming back together. That's where the music happens when you've got that separation and you come back to. It's like a breath in and out. So how do you create music in your relationship if there's no in between? You're.

Yeah. With each other.

How do you create intimacy and distance and date nights and missing someone when you're always around?

Beautifully put, Louis. I, and, and of course, our friend Esther Perel would, you know, she has plenty to say on this, too, in terms of, she always talks about desire existing in the space between people. And if there's no space, then how can desire exist? Look, there are different, there are different extremes people are going through right now. If you live in a big house with somebody and you can disappear to your side of the house and they theirs, that's that you're already in a luxurious position compared to many people who are living now in a studio apartment with someone in a 600 foot studio apartment and the bed is the desk and you could basically fry up your eggs from the bed.

Yeah.

So close. That's a tough situation to be in right now. And what we're going to have to do there is Engineer space, quote, there are different forms of space. There's physical space, there's emotional space, psychological space, there's all sorts of different versions of space. We're going to have to engineer space even in extremely intimate and close environments. So it might be like, I think one of the most valuable devices you have right now is your headphones. Like, I honestly think your headphones are like, Those you should be stocked up on at least three pairs if you live with someone in a one-bedroom flat. Because in that situation, it's not rude to go into your own world and to say, what we have to do is communicate with our partners when we want space. But we've got to be a bit careful how we do that, because it can easily come across like, I'm sick of you. I want space from you. Now, there may be some truth in it, but we all have to articulate ourselves in helpful rather than hurtful ways.

So something someone could say if they know they need space, but when I say I need space, it really means I'm sick of you in this moment. What's a conversation starter that's loving enough to queue that up?

I'd reverse engineer it. So I'd start by talking about a piece of quality time you want to spend with them. So for example, You say to them, can we have a like full on movie night tonight?

Like dinner, movie, massage, everything.

Like let's like light candles. Let's turn our living room into a cinema and like make it like let's.

Have a surround sound.

Yeah, like have a real movie night tonight. Let's lose ourselves in it and pretend we're at the movies.

Or.

And that could apply to anything. Let's have, like, you and me time, like, a real dinner tonight. Let's do this tonight. Whatever. Whatever's your thing. Once you've agreed that time, it almost takes the pressure off because you're communicating to someone. I'm. I'm. I want this time with you. Then you can say to someone, okay, deal. I'm gonna, like, disappear into my work for the next few hours so that we can enjoy that time together, or, you know, I'm gonna. Do this project for the next few hours, I'm going to do this for a little while. And sometimes I think it's important to give a time period for it rather than saying like, you know, just putting your headphones in and doing that. And then you have the anxiety of are they hot, are they hoping that I'll take my headphones out any minute and pay them attention again or whatever, saying to them like, all right, I'm going to focus on this for a little while. Um, and then giving them a kiss. It's almost like you are giving them a kiss to kiss them goodbye for work. Like, you know, even if you're just turning to put your headphones in, All right, I'm going to do this for a little while. I want to get this done so we can enjoy tonight. All right, let's go. It's like you're signaling something. And then, by the way, an hour later or something, if you take a quick break for a coffee or whatever, say, reinforce it, say to them, I am so excited about our movie night tonight. Okay, got to go. And then, you know, like you're making sure that you communicate. That time is really special. I want that to be special. But then, You have to honor that. You've got to then in the times where you, I know that I've been in situations in my life where I felt when we had too much time apart, me and whatever relationship I was in, I would feel bad or I would feel unloved or anxious, not necessarily because we were apart, but because I didn't even feel close when we parted. So we'd wake up in the morning, that person would go off for the day or I'd go off for my day. And it's not that we were apart for the day that would really bother me because if we felt close first thing in the morning, I'd be like, See you later.

Have a great day.

Listen, I'm excited about mine too. But if you are starting the day from a position of not feeling close and then you part ways for the.

Day, you feel more disconnected.

Yeah, even more disconnected. Someone might feel anxiety that they're not loved, that they're not important. that they're not. So it compounds it. You earn the ability to take space or to go off and go into your own world by actually giving that person or sharing meaningful moments with that person before you do it.

It's not the amount of time, it's the quality of the time and the presence of your quality of time. I think that I find which is most powerful, at least in my relationship, where I may only have a half hour to an hour of time a day, certain days, maybe right now, but my phone is not anywhere near me. I am looking in her eyes the whole time. I'm engaged asking questions. How's your mom? How's your family? How's this? What can I do for you? Can we play a game right now? Can we do something fun? Can we dance a little? It's the the presence to the quality of time. And I'm sure the more time you have better, but it's got to be quality time from my personal experience. Are you finding that that's what I guess women and men want as well when you're coaching people?

Oh, these issues go both ways. You know, men can have the same insecurities as women can in these situations. And it comes down to which partner might feel busier, which one has got more to do right now. It could be like if you, it's a tough situation if one person in a relationship right now and they're living under the same roof feels like they've got tons to do and tons of purpose and tons, you know, like I can lose myself in my mission and what I'm doing right now and their.

Partner and be fine. And your partner has lost the job or lost this or. Right.

Or I haven't figured out what my thing is yet. I don't know what, you know, you have your mission. I don't know what I'm doing.

What do I do? I'm waiting for you to come home every day.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah, I'm sitting here picking random hobbies out of thin air because I feel like everyone keeps telling me now's the time to learn a hobby.

So I'm like, should I learn guitar? Should I learn piano? Or worse, I'm on social media watching everyone else's perfect relationship and everyone else.

Thriving and I feel less than. Yeah, exactly. And that, by the way, that's really, we've got to be really careful of that right now. We're used to comparing ourselves to others on social media. through the lens of, you know, we're seeing their highlight reel of their life, you know, oh, they're traveling now, look at them sipping a beach on the cocktail, look at them doing this skydive, look at we're seeing the highlight reel of their life. I think now we're seeing the highlight reel of people's emotions. So in quarantine, people don't have that life, right? We've not got all of these activities that we could be doing, But we're all of a sudden seeing that moment where someone's just finished their yoga workout and they post and they're like, you know, I'm, you know, I got this quarantine, just did my yoga, blah, blah, blah.

And you're like- On the day.

Exactly, but exactly. But you're not seeing, like, Matthew Hussey in the moment where he's like super grumpy and like irritable and just like, today is not this is not my day, and I'm not feeling it today, and I don't want to make a video today. And, and I've made a point of, of saying things like that out loud because I, I think it's important that people get the full spectrum of what other people are going through because guess what? Other people are going to dark places. Other people are having their freak outs. Other people are having those moments of depression or deep Melancholy. People are having those, but it's not necessarily the things that they're posting about, especially in the worlds that we operate in, Lewis, where there's a hell of a lot of people wanting to show how well they're doing under circumstances, how positive they're being and so on.

Why is it you have the credibility to give so many women advice? You're only 27, right? And why should they listen to you when, you know, you're a man? So they would trust you. You're not married, right?

No.

And you're currently single, I believe, right?

Single.

So why should they believe what you're saying has validity?

Firstly, you're right in the sense that being a man gives me no extra credibility whatsoever. I always cringe when a journalist says to me, well, this is so great because you're a guy, so you can give them insight into guys. What a stupid argument that is. It's like saying you're a woman, so you know all women.

Right.

How many women are exactly the same?

Yeah, yeah.

You know how many women do you get in a room and they agree on everything? The same is true of men. I'm not here to speak on behalf of all men.

Sure.

I might be here to relay a message that I constantly get from men or something that I observe with an enormous number of men. I mean, I say to women, I only started working with women, A, because they asked me to. I didn't, when I was coaching guy, I coached nearly 10,000 guys and women were saying, when are you gonna do the same thing for us? And I said, I don't know, because I don't really know you. I know men, not because I'm a guy, but because I've just coached 10,000 of them over the last three years. I said, so I have something to say about men. I said, but I don't know you. And they said, don't worry, we don't.

Wanna know more about us.

We wanna know about men. so I said, well, that I can do. And I started, I sat down and I, I started talking about some things that were, that felt obvious to me based on what I'd learned from men, but weren't obvious to them. You know, a very simple thing would be that there was so many women out there that were saying, well, I, I want a guy who has the balls to make a move on me.

Right.

And, and if he's interested, he's already coming over to me. And there were certain, there were massive dating books out there for women that would say this, like, if he's not coming over to you, don't bother going up to him, because if he wanted to be there, he would be. This defied everything that I'd ever seen, not just from every man I'd ever coached, but from growing up around men and what, and even for myself, this is an area where my personal experience does relate to that lesson. I was terrified. I was terrified. The idea of walking up to a woman and saying, I like you or I think you're cute. I got brought up by my mum to be a gentleman, right? That was, I was brought up to, you know, buy flowers, buy the meal, don't ever let her pay, don't ever let her carry her bag, open her door. So at school, as a teenager, I got mauled by women for being that way. You know, I got walked all over. They liked me, they thought I was a nice guy. But I was the one holding their bag while they got with that guy.

Right.

So it, it didn't, it didn't translate. And I knew as a guy, as a teenager, something wasn't clicking and something about what I'd been taught about attraction by my mum, who taught me treat every woman like a princess.

Yeah.

Something about that advice wasn't translating and wasn't working. Now, I then when I started hearing from these books written for women, if he's like, if he likes you, he's already talking to you. I looked at that and I thought, God, you know what? I'm not a loser. I'm not someone who's got everything going wrong in their life and is like, you know, oh, that's why he hasn't got the confidence. No, I was like a guy who had some great things going for him and yet still I would look over there and go, no way. Yeah, I'm not doing it.

Scary, man.

Terrifying. So, you know, I started to say to women, listen, firstly, guys, even the guys you want are nervous about coming over to you. So you might have to do a little more to make this a possibility.

To make them feel good about themselves, comfortable to come over.

And women will say, well, no, that's not true, Matt, because, you know, there are these guys who always hit on me when I go out. Yeah, but it's the same five percent every time.

Yes.

All right, there's five to ten percent of guys who will hit on everybody who walks in the room.

Yeah, right.

But that's not represented.

And they're not getting the girls. Right.

Very often they're not. They're not. There's a percentage of those who are like players who are good at it.

Yeah.

Who know how to do it. But the game, actually, most guys aren't in that mode. Most guys aren't good at doing that and actually don't wish to do that because they don't want to be sleazy and they don't want to seem like that guy. So I started saying, women, you might have to do a little bit more and Don't assume, because in a seminar, any woman who comes to my seminar will see this. I'll say, put your hand up if at some point or another you've said or thought, well, if he doesn't have the balls to come and approach me, I don't think he's my type of guy anyway.