This content was created by Lewis Howes. This content was uploaded by Lewis Howes. This is a YouTube video titled "How to spot a narcissistic parent" featuring a conversation between Lewis Howes and Dr. Ramani Durvasula. The discussion, recorded on October 2, 2025, explores the signs of narcissistic behavior in parents and its impact on children, as well as personal experiences related to narcissistic relationships.
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What would you say are the main signs if a parent for a kid would be narcissistic?
I don't think, let's say a child is anyone under 13. I don't even think kids start understanding that their parents are messed up until they're around middle school or high school. Selfishness. Inattentive. Real inattentiveness.
Dismissiveness.
Dismissiveness. Devaluing them if they don't excel at the things they want. What do you mean? You don't want to go to Harvard or, like, oh, you want to go to that college, like any kind of college. Contemptuous dismissiveness of their children. That's all narcissistic parent behavior.
Wow.
Rage. Rage is a big one. And I think that's probably the one my clients have brought.
Anger.
Anger. But rage like that walking on eggshells. If anyone says to me, I felt like I was always walking on eggshells around my parent. Probably dealing with an antagonistic. Like a narcissistic parent.
Yeah. I think I was telling you beforehand, I felt that for a part of my life, and then things started to shift. But I've definitely walked in eggshells for many relationships in the past, which makes me be like, why did I jump into different relationships where I felt that way? Which maybe I hadn't learned to heal the past yet.
But you didn't jump into a relationship.
I didn't feel that in the beginning.
You didn't feel it at the beginning.
But it was like six to 12 months later when I was like. Then I justified. Oh, let's just get back to where it was.
One of the great, I would say your greatest vulnerability, quite frankly, to narcissistic relationships.
Give it to me.
Is your history as an athlete. And a lot of that is because for any gifted athlete, all you needed to do was work harder. You just had to go to the gym or had to run or do whatever. Whatever it was you needed to do. It just meant more reps. There was always a way to make it better. You're gonna do the Sunday workout. You're gonna go to the gym at 4 in the morning. Right. And so did the more you had this belief, you got better and you were in control. So the belief is you could extend that to anyone. I just gotta talk to them harder. I'm gonna be more clear.
I'm gonna make more work, more loving work. I'm present.
Everything becomes a workout.
Oh, my gosh. This is what I did in the last 10 years, in every relationship for the last 10 years. And I remember just being like, it never felt enough, and it was always draining to give. It was never enough, what I gave. There was always something wrong with me. There was always something to pick at, and they never wanted to go to therapy with me. It was funny because I was like, what meant I don't want to generalize, But I was like, I'm a guy who wants to go to therapy and get feedback from my. Like, I'm not perfect. Give me feedback, tell me how to improve. Because I'm an athlete. And I'm like, I want to improve. And they never wanted to. I was just like, I think women would kill for this, you know, for a guy who wanted to go to therapy with them, not a narcissistic woman. Oh, my gosh.
But that idea of surrender is kind of actually the opposite of what an athlete is conditioned to become, right? And that's really the core of the narcissistic relationship. It's a sense of surrender. I'm not engaging with this. I'm not doing this. It doesn't work. And then you just fold it and step away.
