It's Not Your Job to Make Your Kids Happy | Dr. Becky Kennedy

Our job is not to make our kid happy. That is so important and so countercultural.

Why is our job not to make our kids happy?

Because when we focus on making our kids happy, we actually start to make them fearful and less tolerant of all of the other emotions that will inevitably be part of their life into adulthood. And. And so when our kid says, I'm gonna make this up, like, I'm the only one in my class who can't read, it's like, the most painful moment as a parent. Oh, I feel my kid's pain, Right? And maybe, let's just say it's true. It really might be. We have the urge to say, everyone reads at their own pace. Or, but you're amazing at soccer, but you're so good at math. I want to make them happy. All that does for my kid. Because during childhood, kids are not just learning about a situation with a parent. They're taking interactions and they're making generalizations not from one moment, but patterns about what emotions are safe, what emotions can I deal with? What can I tolerate? And what emotions, as soon as I feel them, do I need to, like, turn off right away? And so when a kid says, I'm the only one who can't read, the truth is, when our kid is an adult, they probably won't say that, but they'll probably say, I'm the only one who, whatever it is, didn't get a job yet. I'm the only one of my friends who didn't buy their own house. Right? Whatever it is, we're always gonna feel that way. And so when we make our kid happy, what we actually say to them is, I am just as scared of this emotion you're feeling as you are. Wow. And so then what they do, I.

Don'T want to deal with this emotion.

I'm terrified. I want to run away from it. I want to do anything but this. And so what a kid's circuit is, I feel. Let's say it's this. I feel less than. Or it could be, I feel jealous, I feel sad, I feel disappointed. And what gets layered next to that in the circuit is my parents fear, my parents avoidance. Those things get put together. The irony is, when you make happiness a goal of childhood, you actually set a kid up for an adulthood of anxiety because they have a range of emotions that they've encoded as wrong and fearful. And to me, anxiety actually isn't a feeling. It's the experience of wanting to run away from a feeling. And if avoiding it, yeah, it is. And you can't really run away from a feeling inside your body. That's what anxiety is. You're like, wait, this is not going to win. And so to me, the idea of we want to help kids become resilient. Resilience over happiness. And resilience comes from being able to tolerate and sit with the the widest range of emotions, not constrict ourselves.

I interviewed a brain surgeon on here who's also a neuroscientist, a PhD in neuroscience, but also had done a thousand brain surgeries. And I said, what's the number one skill you wish every human being could learn to be better humans? And he said, emotional regulation. Like, from doing a thousand brain surgeries and studying neuroscience, the mind. He was like, emotional regulation will support us in being healthier, happier human beings. And it goes back to what you're saying, which is learning how to navigate all of the emotions and be with them and feel uncomfortable and sad and know how to manage them, not avoid, run away, be distracted by them. Right?

That's right. Because, like, when I, you know, I always joke when I was in private practice, I saw a lot of, you know, 20 year olds, 30 year olds, 40 year olds, and not one of them came to my practice saying, Dr. Becky, like, I had the best parents. And, you know, those emotions other people feel, like jealous and sad and like those hard things, I got rid of them. My parents got rid of them. I've never felt them again. Like, that's never. That obviously has never happened, but what happened over and over, even though no one said it, but their stories and behavior really exemplified it. Because I am now 23, I'm now 45, and I'm literally no better able to regulate frustration and disappointment and sadness than, than I was when I was a toddler. Wow. But the stakes are higher.

Way higher as an adult.

Way higher. So emotion regulation, that is the goal of childhood. I mean, that's the goal of adulthood too, by the way.

Right?

It's still the goal. We're all working on it.

You've been called, like, the millennial parenting whisperer. Is that right?

I think Time magazine wrote that one.

Time magazine called you the millennial parenting whisperer. I've had Cesar Millan, who's the dog whisperer? On, and, you know, people come in to say, hey, how do you fix my dog? And he fixes humans. Essentially, he teaches humans how to lead themselves better. And it sounds like parents come to you and say, how do I fix my kid? And you're coming to them and saying, well, you need to learn how to be a better leader and heal and reprogram yourself and learn how to regulate your emotions so you can manage these situations. Would that be accurate?

That is completely accurate. And I think, you know, I double down on that and say, I think when we have kids, we have this unconscious wish that they're gonna heal us. Ooh. And they trigger us. Oh, that's what happens when you have kids.

So I say it again.

We have an unconscious wish that our kids will heal us. And in reality, our kids trigger us.

Why do we think our kids will heal us?

Because I think in general, we all have to wish that something in the external world, something we can gaze out at, will finally give us the comfort and the sense of safety and security that we've always been yearning for. And part of adulthood, I think, involves learning to gaze in not from a place of it's my fault, but from a place of actually, like, I have the power, and it's hard, but I have the power to do that myself. Wow. And we have to really understand that. And I think that resilience really is our ability to tolerate hard things. And the word tolerate is important because we all think it's the ability to, like, get through it. The getting through happens when it happens. And the truth is, the longer you can tolerate something, not something toxic that is so not what I'm talking about or abusive, but the longer you can tolerate something hard, the success is going to find itself and it's going to be more likely because you were able to stay in the hard place.

Can you give me an example of what this would be like for a parent and a child?

Sure. I can give you two different examples very concretely. Right. So this is something I teach to a lot of parents in one of my favorite, my frustration tolerance workshop, which is relevant for school, for everything. So let's say and say my 3 year old is doing a puzzle. Like, I can't do it. You do it for me. You do it for me. This is a good example, right? And as a parent, I get it. You got home, you're like, this is like the last thing I want to do.

Tired, I want to relax.

I was going to have a nice night with, like, you know, my kid. I get it. But I'm really driven by impact. And so, like, I actually get this, like, sick joy when my kid is on the verge of a meltdown.

Really?

Yes. Especially when I've been working a lot because I'm like, if I'm going to spend 20 minutes with my Kid, like, I'm gonna make it count. And like, it's nice if I'm there for a pleasant 20 minutes, of course. But if I wanna have impact, I like literally can picture my impact on him.

So you're like hoping when you come home that you're having a breakdown and.

That temperature makes sense.

Cause that's when there's gonna be a big breakthrough. Right?

But in a way, I think that's a really important reframe.

Interesting.

It's like, especially if you're a parent who travels a lot or you're not around a lot to be like, wait, like, I can have impact. It's not easy. It's certainly not convenient. That's the one word parents need to know. Having kids is not fun or convenient. In most. It's not at all. And this is like your, it's like your super bowl right now. I guess this is your opportunity, you know, because my kid and how I respond to the puzzle is not gonna remember anything about the puzzle, their body, not from that one time, but from patterns. Nervous system is going to be developing expectations around what can I do when things get hard?

What can I get away with? Right?

Or yeah. And what should I expect? What is my self talk? A parent's words become a child's self talk.

A parent's words become a child's self talk.

Wow. Yes.

So what your parents say to you over and over again is what you.

Say to yourself, especially when paired with an emotional situation. So when I'm frustrated, did I have someone come and I always say, like, frustration is now like super bright. Do I expect someone to come and turn off the light? No frustration. Or do I expect someone to come and like, by the way, they're present with me, they dim, they dim the light. So it's just not so blinding, not so intense. Emotion regulation, interesting. Like that's the best it gets. There are drugs that will do that better for you, but they have, you know, that's not what we recommend for people long term. Like when we're talking about true emotion regulation, we're talking about a dimmer. Because it's impossible to deal with something when it's a 10 out of 10. Even nine out of 10 is really hard. Once you get to an eight or a seven, it's not pleasant, it's not convenient. But you, you, you start to be able to tolerate it. And from there you can, you know, get maybe to a 6 or a 5. That's the goal for our kid. So I'll model this. My kid Is freaking out about the puzzle. Now, to be clear, are there some times that I'd be like, I'm giving myself permission to do the puzzle because I can't deal with this. Of course I'm a normal human. Everybody has to give that permission to themselves.

And wait, so Dr. Becky, you're not a perfect parent.

Like, zero. No, no, no, no. Everyone listening to what I'm saying don't think, like, I actually do this all the time.

You're not. Every day you come home at night after a long day, and you're just like, okay, what do you need right now? And you're stressed out. Okay, I'm gonna do this puzzle with you. Yeah.

And that will eventually get to point three. And I wouldn't wish, Dr. Becky, as a real parent on any kid. It's just like, you learn the most. I'm sure you too, in life. You learn the most from people who struggle and repair. Of course. Right? So. But here's this, like, moment, and I can go through an older kid example too, because it's not as obvious, but my kid is frustrated. My kid's gonna be frustrated for the rest of their life. In higher stakes situations. They're gonna be given something from a boss and be like, I don't know how to do this. And, like, I actually don't. First of all, I definitely don't want my kid, when they're 25, to call me and be like, can you do my project for me? And definitely don't want that. I don't want them to be indignant. How could this person have. I want them to have some type of weight. I don't know what I'm gonna do, but I have a feeling I can just think this through or get a little further. So if that's what I want there. That is not unrelated to the pattern of how I interact now. Wow. So I could say, here's the piece. Once in a while I do that. Not great for long term resilience. So here's what I might do. Okay. And I'm gonna. My kid is starting to have a tantrum, and even he's saying, do the piece. I can't do it. I'm saying, sweetie, sweetie, this is so hard. This is so hard. And I have real kids. It's not like they are gonna say to me, oh, that's so helpful to hear. No, it's not gonna happen. They're gonna still freaking out, but their reaction is different than the power of my intervention. Also two separate things. I might say this. I Might say, oh, so many pieces. I don't know where it goes. Does it go here? Does it go here? Does it go here? And if my kid is like, do it for me. I really. And I've said this to my kid, listen, sweetie, I'm not gonna do it for you. Here's why. I know you're capable of figuring this out. And the best feeling in the world is the feeling you get when you think you can't do something. And then you wait a little bit, and you see that you can do a little bit more. And I'm not gonna take that feeling away from you. And so I'll take a deep breath with you. We can take a break. But, like, I know you can do this. Okay. And when I hear people be like, does that work? Yes. I mean, doesn't that work for adults? Imagine you having a hard time at your job and you saying to your manager, like, you do this one. If they're like, listen, I'm not. Because I know you're capable and, like, it's okay. If it takes some time, it's okay. If you take a break, I can be here to, like, kind of think about, where could that piece go? Ooh, is that an edge? Ooh, edges in the middle. Probably not. In the puzzle. Where do. Oh, you're right. Edges go on the outside. Look at you. My kid experiences the win, and what their body learns is, when I get frustrated, I don't look for the answer. For someone to take that away from me and give me immediate success, by the way, if we really want to get into it. If you want to know what entitlement is, Entitlement is the accumulated experience of feeling frustrated and then having someone else give you immediate success. Wow. I think when we have kids, we have this unconscious wish that they're going to heal us. Ooh. And in reality, our kids trigger us. She's a clinical psychologist. She's a mom of three. She's been the millennial parenting whisper. Please welcome Dr. Becky Kennedy. I'm going to take this very, like, first principles of her.