LISTEN TO THIS Everyday To MANIFEST & ATTRACT The Life You Want | Mel Robbins
This content was created by Lewis Howes. This content was uploaded by Lewis Howes. This is a YouTube video titled "LISTEN TO THIS Everyday To MANIFEST & ATTRACT The Life You Want | Mel Robbins" featuring a conversation between Mel Robbins and Lewis Howes. The discussion revolves around techniques for manifesting and attracting desired outcomes in life, focusing on the power of visualization, positive affirmations, and self-love. They explore the concept of the reticular activating system and how it influences perception and manifestation.
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This is how you train your mind. You basically tell it what you want by saying, this is important to me.
Start looking for it, you'll start seeing it.
Yes. And by the way, this is also why it's important to do that thing where you're like, boom, I found it. See?
Yes.
And then it makes your mind do more. This is why it comes back to the positive affirmation. If you start to high five yourself and tell yourself that you deserve to be happy and you deserve to be fulfilled, you will start to see.
I think you gotta have a dream.
The school of greatness.
Really?
Yeah. Please welcome Lewis.
I'm curious about manifesting. You've been really good at manifesting results in your life, especially since the last book. What are your thoughts on how to manifest?
Everyone's doing it wrong. That's my thoughts.
Okay.
Yeah.
How should we manifest the dreams that we have inside of us? And what's your thoughts about the law of attraction? On how to apply it the right way?
Yeah. Well, I think the law of attraction and manifesting are the same thing. So. Law of attraction for everybody who has not read the Secret is simply your thoughts become things. And it's true. We've talked all about how when you have negative self talk, it tends to draw more of that to you. I think about it like lint in a dryer. Once negative stuff starts collecting, it collects a lot more. We can also talk about your brain filter, something called the reticular activity system and how it is a live network that filters the brain. We'll dig into that deeper, but let's do surface level right now. Manifesting law of attraction. So here's what everybody gets wrong about manifesting. Everybody, at least kind of in the mass market. What you're trained to think about when you think about manifesting is vision boards. And when you hear the word vision boards, you think about the big stuff. Should you have big dreams? Of course you should. Should you dream of building a mansion on the ocean, if that's your thing? Yes. Should you dream of the log cabin? Yes. If you want a Lamborghini or the new Ford Bronco, should you buy. Yeah. Yes, yes, yes. If you want the family, if you want the body, should you think about. Yeah, absolutely. Here's where everybody goes wrong. You dream about the end. You make this gorgeous collage of all this stuff that has nothing to do with your current life. That literally, as you're sitting in your studio apartment with the cat box that hasn't been changed in two weeks, no.
Food in the fridge.
No food in the fridge, and you're looking for a job, and you're staring at a mansion going, someday it's gonna make you feel like a loser, because the gap between where you are and where you want to go, it seems insurmountable. And so what happens, based on the research is when you only visualize the end game. Louis, it's demotivating at first. It's really fun to, like, have a bottle of wine and make your, like, collage. I'm gonna visualize. I'm gonna slap this up. There's my vision board. It's fabulous. Law of attraction, baby. Come on. I'm gonna think about it. It's going to come to me, okay? I've been doing this for two days. I'm not. I'm still in this apartment with the cat box. That needs to be changed. The way to visualize properly is to visualize the bridge between where you are and where you need to go.
The bridge, yes.
And particularly the horrible stuff. So let's use your example of the marathon. The vision board would be Lewis crossing the arms up. The battle. Exactly.
High fives.
High fives. Yes. I did it. Exactly. That will not help you because when you hit mile 13 on the actual race and it is sleeting rain, you're.
Saying, why am I doing this?
Yes. It feels nothing like that thing on your vision board. You're going to start a negative dialogue. I can't do this. My knees hurt. This is not what I thought it was going to be. I'm not ready for this. I didn't train for this. I'm running New York. I trained in la. Are you running in New York?
La.
Okay, good. Well, then at least you trained in the right weather. So on and on and on. And you are going to tank yourself. What you do by visualizing the bridge is you train your nervous system and your mind to do the hard work. So you should visualize not crossing the finish line. But what is it like to be at mile 12 when your batteries run out on your earbuds?
Yeah.
No, I'm serious. And you keep going. What's it like when your shoelace breaks and now your heel is lifting and you're starting to get a blood blister at mile 17? What's it feel like when you wake up and it is pouring rain and you visualize yourself running anyway? That way, when you visualize the work, you are preparing your body for it. So you're not resistant to it when it comes to. Yeah, isn't that cool?
I Think it's great. It's a story that I had. Georges St. Pierre, who's one of the greatest UFC fighters of all time, he said that he always puts himself in the most uncomfortable situations in practice leading up to the fight the most. You know, the hardest situations to get himself out of, when his arms are behind his back and he's faced against the mat in between the fence, and he's just getting punched in the face, he's like, how do I get out of this?
Right, right.
He's like, visualize that and seeing. How can I get through this.
Yeah, yeah.
When it seems like I just want to tap out.
Yes.
Instead of tapping out, what's the process for figuring out how to get through it, to then raise my hand at the end? Victorious.
Totally. And so you are literally building up almost like, this resilience and this muscle inside of you to do the work, to get the thing. So, yeah, create the vision board, but make sure, in addition to crossing the finish line, you have somebody running in the rain, you have somebody who. You have an alarm clock that says 5, 13. You have, you know, these images that show the stuff that you don't want to do. So, like, for people who want to launch a business, for example, like, a lot of people that I'm sure follow both of us are dying to launch a business or interested in being an influencer, social media, or making money online. And what you visualize are the checks, or you visualize the money you're going to make, or you visualize how cool it's going to be when you're a lifestyle entrepreneur, whatever the hell it is, don't do that. Visualize working a day job and telling your friends that you're not going to go out tonight because you're working on something. Visualize making cold calls and being told no. Visualize not going to that party because you're staying in on a Saturday and not going to the barbecue because you're putting in the work. Visualize sitting at a seminar and learning from other people. Visualize watching YouTube videos. Visualize your first ever course failing miserably. Like, literally. That's the sort of thing that you want to visualize yourself doing and pushing through, because that's gonna help you do the work.
Yeah.
Isn't that cool?
I think that's great. Yeah. Visualizing. So in order to manifest what you want, don't just visualize the good things happening. Visualize the bridge. All the things it's gonna take to get there.
Yes. And the hard parts of the bridge, because Then you're ready for it. Then you're like, I didn't expect this to be this hard. I mean, it's still gonna be hard, but you're less likely to quit.
Yes. So what have you done in the last five years to help you manifest after the first book? Were you doing this as well or. Kind of. Once you get on a rhythm and build momentum, does it become easier to manifest in your opinion?
Well, so I am constantly training my mind to work for me. And there's this little trick that I talk about in the book that is all sort of the beginning of having a high five attitude. And a high five attitude is the ability to catch yourself when you're going mentally low and to flip yourself back up into a high five attitude.
Okay.
The thing that I know to be true is that you cannot control the things around you. You can't control what's going to happen. You can't even control how your nervous system might respond or what thoughts might pop into your head. But you can always choose what you do next and what you make it mean. Right? And so that's where all the power is. And so I do this thing where I. This is. Again, it's going to sound so dumb, but it's a way for me to introduce you to the power that your mind has to change in real time. We've talked a lot about negative self talk. And part of the reason why negative self talk is so crippling is not only because you've repeated it for so long and now it's a pattern, but it's also because you have a filter on your brain called the reticular activity system. Okay, this puppy is the keys to everything. And it's remarkable that most of us have never heard of it. We've experienced it, but we don't know how to use it to our advantage. So first let me tell you what the RAS does. Then I'm going to give you an example of when you've experienced it in your life. And then I'm going to explain to you how to use it to get what you want in life. This is like the super attractor manifesting. And it also works for interrupting negative self talk. Like it's going to supercharge all the work you're doing with the mirror and interrupting thoughts. So first let's talk about the res. So the res, imagine a hairnet on your brain, only it's like electric, meaning it's alive. Okay? Now, the RAS has one job, and the job is block out 99% of what's going on and let in 1% of what's going on. Our brains at this moment in history are having to process about 34 days worth of cell phone data in one day.
Crazy.
It's crazy. And so your ras has a monster job. It's like a bouncer at a bar. You're not coming in. You can come in. And you've experienced this. So have you ever shopped for a car?
Yes.
Okay, so what's the last car you bought?
Tesla.
Oh, Tesla. Oh, Fancy Lewis Howes. I like that.
Well, I never had a nice car until three years ago. I had a $4,000 car for five years before that.
Yeah, yeah.
And then I was like, you know what? I have no Bluetooth. I have no. It's like I just needed an upgrade.
No, I love it. It was a 1991, dude, you deserve it.
I had a 1991 catalog.
You deserve it.
And I was like, okay, you just buy a car. So I bought a Tesla.
Yeah, right. And so before you thought about buying a Tesla, you drive down the road, you don't really think about it. The second you're like, you know, I think I'm interested in a Tesla. What do you see everywhere?
Teslas.
Yes. Everywhere.
Everywhere.
My husband just bought a pickup truck. I never even noticed him. Now I'm like, there are baby blue pickup trucks everywhere. What is going on? That's the bouncer in your brain. And let me tell you how this works. There are only four things that automatically get through the bouncer in your brain. The ras Number one, your name. So you've experienced being in a crowded place, and somebody's like, you think you hear Louis. You're like, huh, Somebody call my name? That was the bouncer in your brain. The second thing that always gets let in is any threat to your safety. So there are loud noises all the time, but only ones in close proximity make you go like this. That was the bouncer in your brain letting it in. The third thing that gets let in is when you sense that your partner is interested in sex with you or somebody else. You're like, chris, you know, who are you looking? Stop looking at her. You know what I'm saying? You kind of pick up on the signals. That's the bouncer from your brain. And the fourth one, and this is where. This is the billion dollar thing that everybody needs to know. The bouncer in your brain lets in whatever you think is important to you. So when you get intentional about telling your brain what's important to you, like, I'M interested in a Tesla. Your brain's literally like, oh, let's let all the Teslas in. Come on in. Here's the downside to this. If you have told yourself that you are a bad person for the last 10 years, guess what your brain thinks is important? Examples that mean you're a bad person.
Right?
So I'm going to give you a very specific example. So I personally don't think I'm a bad person. I don't think I'm perfect, But I know I do my best. I mean, well, I don't have that story about myself at all. I used to, but I don't. And let's say I oversleep and I miss the dentist. I miss the dentist appointment. I'm like, ugh, I gotta pay the 25 bucks. I gotta reschedule that thing. That kind of blows. That's all I think. And then I go on my daughter, who constantly beats herself up and says she's a bad person. This is a real example, by the way. She oversleeps, misses a dentist appointment, and it becomes, see, I always screw everything up. I'm a tear. I'm always messing things up. I'm a bad. Like, everything that gets let in confirms that you're a bad person.
She finds proof and evidence.
Yes, that's the bouncer in your mind. I'm here to tell you that when you get intentional about what you want to think about yourself, it changes in real time what your brain lets in and what it doesn't. That helps you with the other things that you're doing. The high five in the mirror. I'm not thinking about that. The pathetic mantra. Hey, you know, just because I missed the dentist appointment doesn't mean I'm a bad person. I'm doing the best I can here. Give myself a break. High five. You know what I'm saying? Shake it off. Get back in there. It's true, right?
Right.
Because it's these little things. Somebody cuts you off. Somebody reaches for the last thing of cereal that you wanted to buy at the grocery store. You think it's like a sign that the world's out to get you. This is all your story and your mind skewing the world to prove all of the stuff you keep repeating. And the only way to get a handle on it is to start acting the opposite. Like, high five yourself, even though you don't feel like it. Interrupt the crap that you keep saying. Put your hands on your heart and settle your body down. Yeah, all of these things are things that Somebody does when they care about themselves, when they think they deserve to be treated with kindness, when they think they deserve support, and when they realize they need it. And when you start to build yourself back up, you'll show up very differently in other relationships.
Absolutely.
You know, if you tolerate this kind of treatment from yourself, you'll tolerate it from other people. It does begin with you.
And when you create boundaries, you don't abandon yourself, then you won't abandon yourself with other people either. You won't let them cross the boundaries.
Correct. Like, if you stand in front of the mirror every single morning and you're like, I look like crap. I am not good enough. I'm unhappy with my life. And then you step into a relationship and somebody leaves you on red and they ghost you for three days. Like, you come to expect that because that's how you believe you think you deserve to be treated. When you stand in front of a mirror and you're like, hey, you're awesome. We got this. I got you. I know it's hard. You know, we're gonna go do this or, hey, this is a big day today. I've got this huge presentation. I am going to destroy this. You know, like, you know, like, you get into it, you're excited, like, then you're creating momentum for yourself.
Yeah.
Otherwise what, you're gonna stand and be like, oh, my God, I'm screwed this up. I'm not prepared. Like, it's like the negative morning routine. It leads to negative actions.
Absolutely.
So this training thing, training your res. So here's what I want you to do. Starting tomorrow, after you wake up and make your bed and kind of settle your nervous system and high five yourself after setting your intention. So now you're like sending yourself into your morning routine in a totally different way with a calm down nervous system and intention and this boost of feeling supported and loved and celebrated. I want you to find one naturally occurring heart shape as you go through your day.
I saw this in your book.
Yeah. It could be a stone, it could be a leaf on the ground. It could be a cloud shape, it could be a coffee stain. It could be an oil stain on the floor of a garage. It could be a spot on a dog walking by. I want you to tell your mind, let's find a heart. See if we can find a heart. And something weird's gonna happen. You're gonna see something. And then I want you to literally supersize what's going on in your brain. And what you do is when you see the heart I want you to then take a moment and literally congratulate yourself. Like, feel like, oh my God, I found it. Like, whatever you believe in, God, the universe, like, greater connection. You put that there for me and I found it. And I want you to feel this kind of wave of. That's kind of cool. Yeah, I just saw a heart. And then that positive thing. Remember how I told you the bouncer in your brain pays attention to what's important to you? When you get your nervous system celebratory involved, that makes your brain really pay attention, Just like trauma makes your brain pay attention.
It does.
So you supercharge the experience by celebrating it and then look for another one. I see hearts all day long. And what happens when you start to play this game is you will start to realize you are walking by an entirely different world every single day because you're not looking for it. There are opportunities, there are signs, there are mile markers, your path that you are literally tuning out.
Yes.
And we can all sit in this moment, Louis, and look back and see how the dots of our life connect us here. The coolest thing about practicing the high five habit, this training of finding hearts and the high five attitude, is that you start to ground yourself in the idea that this too is a dot on the map of your life and it is leading you somewhere incredible. And when you start to have that kind of high five attitude that there are signs, whether it's the little hearts that you're now seeing or it's your ability to catch guilt or people pleasing or insecurity, or the negative self talk and be like, nope, not going down, not thinking about that. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Let's get that high five attitude back. I can do this. I can have my own back. It's not going to be perfect, but I can keep going.
And you were just talking about how you never truly learned how to love yourself in your own skin and you started this daily ritual, this habit of high fiving yourself in the mirror.
Yeah.
I mean, you've lived a pretty full life right now, but you feel like really you've never truly learned how to love yourself, but now you feel like you know how to.
Yes, I do.
Why did you not know how to love yourself in the first place?
Oh, that's a big question. I think that most of us are not taught how to love ourselves just for being alive, for existing. For existing. Thank you.
It's always like, we have to accomplish something.
Correct.
Then we can get love.
Yes. It's the same thing with happiness. Like you're chasing it. And you think that if you achieve something, you're going to get it. And you also, or at least I felt the most loved when I was little, when I was achieving something. And you know, I think that most parents kind of fall into this camp. And it's really interesting to write a book about this and sort of trace back how we go from being little teeny babies that would crawl up to a mirror and put our hands up and kiss ourselves and love the sight of ourselves, to being a self loathing adult that stands in front of a mirror and either ignores or criticizes your very existence. And I believe that a lot of this has to do with the fact that so much of what you learn as a kid is if you do what I tell you to do, then I'll like you, then I'll love you. And so much of your existence becomes complying, fitting in, not making people angry. You learn how to sort of go in and out of spaces, belong to groups, make sure people like you, and you stop focusing on how you were born, which is looking in a mirror and liking yourself. So my formula for being somebody that was worthy of love is, well, if I'm accomplishing all this stuff, then I'm lovable. If this person over here that I love loves me back, then I'm lovable. If somebody likes me, then I'm lovable. Notice where all the sources of love were coming from outside. But I never really understood, how do you learn how to put yourself first? How do you learn how to love yourself, Louis? How do you do that? We know we need to, but the question is how?
So how'd you learn how to unlearn it and then I guess relearn how to love yourself.
Okay, so, you know, this is kind of my brand of advice. It's gotta be incredibly stupid on the surface. Yeah, it's gotta be so simple. It's really implausible that it works. And once you start unpacking it, it has to have a crazy bananas amount of scientific proof and real life proof in people's lives to prove why it works. So I'll tell you the story first, behind the high five habit. Because I did not set out and go like, okay, I've written the five second rulebook, I need to come up with another five. I have been toiling away with what book to write for nearly five years. So it's been five years since I've had a book in print. And I had this random morning where there's a lot going on in My life, I'm not going to get into it because it's a boring story, but I was just having a really hard time in my life. And I woke up, got out of bed, I made my bed like I always do. I walked into the bathroom, I'm standing there brushing my teeth, and I catch my reflection in the mirror. And my first thought is, God, you look like hell. Seriously. And I know women in particular can relate to this, but what a lot of people don't realize is you guys are incredibly hard on yourselves, too. And so as I go, God, you look like hell, I start then cataloging all of the things that are wrong with my appearance. I'm like, your gray hair is coming in. You've got stripes on your neck, One of your boobs is lower than the other. You know, you look exhausted. And then as soon as you have a negative thought or a self criticism, it's sort of like lint in a dryer. Once you start collecting it, it just keeps on collecting it. So now I'm thinking not about how horrible I look or how tired I look now. I start thinking about all the stuff I need to do. I start going, oh, my gosh, I got up a little too late and I've got a Zoom call in eight minutes. I don't even have a bra on yet. The dog needs to be walked. And I could feel my energy going down. Like, I just felt the weight, the world on my shoulders. Overwhelmed, uncertain. You know, it doesn't even matter what was going on in my life at that time, because I think it's a universal feeling to feel overwhelmed by your life at times.
Yes.
And so here I am, a motivational speaker. Unmotivated, unmotivated, uncaffeinated, no bra, standing there in my underwear with my dog at my feet. I don't know what came over me, but as cheesy as it sounds, I just raised my hand and gave the tired, haggard woman in the mirror a high five. And it didn't change my life, like, right then and there. But something shifted. Like, I felt a little lighter. I felt like I wasn't alone. I felt like, okay, you know, this moment in your life is hard, but you can do this, Mel. And I went on with my day. So the second day, I woke up, and this is when things started to really kind of churn in my mind. The first thing that I noticed was this. So I wake up Louis, and I make my bed, and I realized I was looking forward to that moment in the mirror where I was going to see Myself. Now, look, I'm 52 years old. I will probably have a hot flash during the middle of this interview. I'm a lot older than you.
Just don't eat lobster.
Oh, yeah, I know. I had a really allergic reaction the last time we were together. Wow. But I have spent the first 45 years of my life either criticizing the woman in the mirror or ignoring her. And this was the first time that I could remember that I was actually looking forward to seeing myself. Sort of like, you know, when I was coming here today. You and I are very good friends. As I was walking into the building, I'm feeling excited to see you. And it wasn't like I was feeling excited to see myself. Like, I'm not like, yeah, because I got a lot of crap going on in my life, but I felt a little bit like I'm about to see a friend. And so that second morning, I high five myself again. And again, I feel something shift. I feel a little. Just a little lightness in the mood, and I go on with my day. So the third morning, I do it again and again, like, lightness. And so I keep doing it, keep doing it. A couple weeks go by, and now I'm starting to feel a little bit of momentum and I'm really enjoying. I have no idea what the hell is going on. I haven't even done this in front of my husband, Chris, yet. Because, let's be honest, standing in front.
Of a mirror, high fiving yourself.
Yeah, like, come on, how pathetic does it get? Like, it's really is. You're like, that bad. So I snap a photo of myself. I've got my retainer in. I got bedhead. Like, I'm not looking glamorous. I did not expect this to be the photo that would ignite a movement. And within an hour, I posted on my story on Instagram. Within an hour, at least 100 people tagged me all over the world. People high fiving the mirror with their kids. People on a submarine, high fiving it in the military, People mma. Like, just. And I thought, okay, wait a minute. Maybe I'm not the only one that needs a little boost in the morning. Maybe I'm not the only one who feels alone. Maybe I'm not the only one that is missing a sense of encouragement and control and confidence in an overwhelming moment in my life. Maybe there's something here. And then the messages started to come in. Whoa, Mel. Like, I have been using this for five days. This woman wrote to us, Louis. She's had body dysmorphia. For 20 years, has not been able to look at herself in the mirror. Five days of doing this high five, and she said, I can look at myself and I even see beyond the body. I see the person and I can grin. We had a woman who wrote to us who said that she was in a domestic violence shelter. She had escaped a very abusive relationship. She had seen me talking at our friend Jamie Kerm Lima's event. She started doing the high five thing. She DMs us. And she says that, you know, I have childhood trauma. I've just been in a physically abusive relationship. I've lost everything. I'm in a domestic violence shelter. What this high five in the mirrors teaching me is that I still have myself. And so that was when I said, I got to figure out what's going on. And I started to unpack the research and the research around this simple ritual. I love that you called it a ritual, because I want people to habit stack this with brushing their teeth. This is so life changing. It's so simple. The science here is like, you can't believe it. And once I unpack it, you're gonna be like, I can't believe how cool this thing is.
So what's the science say?
Okay, so the science. Let's start with the first thing. So the first thing is that when you first try it, okay, you will not be able to raise your hand and high five yourself and be like, you suck, Mel, or today's gonna be terrible. And there's a reason for that. And the reason is that for your entire life, you have given other people high fives. So when you give a high five or you receive one, what is a high five? Just the gesture alone. What does this communicate? If we do this to each other and we have it.
Nice job. Good work. You're doing amazing. Yeah, Keep it up.
Yeah. I believe in you. I love you. Let's go. If you blow a shot, you gotta get back in the game. A high five's like, shake it off. You can win. And so all of that lifetime of high fiving other people and the messaging associated with it is programmed right here in your subconscious brain. There's a field of study called neurobics, which is about neurobics. I didn't make that up. It's interesting. Physical movement plus new neurological activity. When you marry an unexpected physical movement with new neurological activity, it's the fastest way to forge new neural pathways in your brain. Okay, okay, we know the example. You've covered this on your show of brushing with the wrong hand and thinking positive thoughts. And the reason why that works is because when you're brushing with the wrong hand, it's unexpected. Your brain doesn't expect it. So instead of drifting off about the fact that you need to walk the dog, you have to focus. So your prefrontal cortex is engaged. You're not used to high fiving your own reflection, so it's an unexpected physical movement that then activates all of the positive programming in your subconscious. So when you raise your hand and you high five your tired self, Louis, what happens is all of the messaging with this, the high five, I believe in you, I love you, I celebrate you. You got this. Keep going. Come on. It actually fuses with your freaking reflection. It's impossible to criticize yourself. Your brain won't allow it because it's not wired that way when you're making that motion right? Isn't that crazy?
It's hard to say you suck. You don't matter at anything. It's hard.
No, you can't. You can't. And so this lifetime of positive subconscious programming associated with high fiving other people gets fused with your own reflection in this ritual. That's just the beginning. Okay, that's just the beginning. The second thing that starts to happen that's really interesting. So we've had a ton of people do this, obviously around the world. So super easy idea. It's spreading around the world. We start interviewing people about what's going on. And this is what we notice. We notice that one of two things happen when you first try this. So here's how I want everybody to try it. You're going to go into the bathroom and do it before or after you brush your teeth. And that's important because I want you to make this a ritual that's part of your morning routine. And so we need to stack it with something you already do. And you're going to stand there for a minute, and I want you to look at yourself. Now that right alone, most of us don't do look at yourself. And I want you to just think about the day ahead. This is based on more research. So recent studies show from the University of Florida, that if you take just a minute and you set an intention about how the day is going to go, about who you're going to be, how you're going to show up, what's the one thing that kind of matters to you to really make a difference, to make progress on? If you just kind of set that intention, who am I gonna be today? How am I gonna show up today. Even if it's a hard day, how are you gonna show up? And then you raise your hand and you seal it. Research shows just setting the intention alone changes your mood. It boosts your productivity, it increases your ability to make an impact on other people. And so when you seal it with this high five, it becomes this ritual of setting an intention for the day and also silencing the criticism and reprogramming the default setting about how you see yourself, whether or not you believe in yourself. And you leave that bathroom feeling like the wind is at your back now, when people do this for the first time. So you're going to stand there tomorrow and you're going to go, okay, Mel Robinson Lewis, sitting here, brush my teeth. Okay, this is stupid. You're going to just start rejecting it. I guarantee you this is the coolest stuff you're going to have the biggest resistance to. And so for those of you that just raise your hand and do it, you're going to immediately be like, why have I not been doing this? It feels good to be encouraged and.
Supported, to high vibe yourself.
Yes. Why have I not had my own back? Why do I stand here and criticize myself? Why do I allow this moment every single morning to be a moment where life takes over and I drift into autopilot? Why am I not taking this moment for me to build a partnership with myself? The second group of people, and this is the larger group, resist it. And this is really interesting. And the reason why you resist it and the reason why it feels weird is because you believe you're not worthy of support or celebration from yourself or from others, period. Wow.
Why do we think we're not worthy of celebration?
Well, for people that grew up in chaotic, violent or whatever household, it was your lived experience. I think that for many of us, we look back on our lives and the cognitive negative bias has us focus on the things that went wrong. And so you begin to tell yourself a story about your life that is basically a pyramid of all the things that you regret, of all the things that you wish had done over, of all the things that you don't like about yourself. And so you drag that with you into the bathroom every morning and you stare at the mirror and you see somebody that has screwed up. You see somebody who's not where you're meant to be. You see somebody who doesn't have the number on the scale or the car that you wanted, or the job that you had hoped for, for, or the relationship that you had always dreamed about. And so standing there, you believe you're not worthy of support or celebration. And it's this deep belief. You know, we talk a lot in the personal development space of oh, I'm not good enough. I actually think that's the polite thing that people say. I believe that people have a much more horrible way of talking to each other.
Like, what?
I can't say it on tv, but I can say it on the Internet. I'm a piece of. Yeah, I'm worthless. No one will ever love me. I screwed up my life. I'm a failure. I'll never amount to anything. It's too late. I'm a bad person. Like, I think people actually say this to themselves.
Yeah. And they say it over and over again.
Yes.
Daily.
Yes. Yes. And just like ruts on a dirt road, it starts to wear in your brain and it becomes the familiar path. And so you stand in front of the mirror and, you know, I'm telling you, raise your hand and let all that positive programming you've given to everybody else. We are amazing at celebrating everybody else. We cheer for our favorite sports teams, we buy tickets to, you know, our favorite musicians. We throw birthday parties for people. We take on extra work for our colleagues. We help our family members out and our friends out. But when it comes to supporting ourselves, we don't know how to do it. In fact, there's a lot of people that think it's selfish to put yourself first or that you're arrogant if you do. I'm here to tell you it is essential to your well being, to your fulfillment, to your happiness, all of it. So if you're feeling resistance, you're either going to feel it because you already have a deep story, that you don't deserve it because of your track record, your past, because of what's happening in your life, or you're gonna feel resistance because you have been trained to believe that you only deserve that kind of stuff when you're winning. Like, if I don't have that car, I don't get the high five. If I didn't get that promotion, I didn't deserve it. If I am not in a loving relationship, I don't deserve to be celebrated because I'm not actually achieving or doing the things that warrant that. I'm here to tell you I'm on a mission to make every human being realize that if you wake up in the morning and you're breathing and you're standing in front of that mirror and you have survived the stuff you have survived and you are still Waking up and trying to do better, you not only deserve a high five, you need it. Because what we also know, based on the research, is that empowerment, support, kindness, love, celebration, it is the single most motivating for force on the planet. Tough love is a bunch of baloney. What really fuels people, particularly when you're going through a challenge, is feeling celebrated, seen, and supported. And the research bears it out.
Yeah. I can think of the times when I was with on sports teams where I had great loving, encouraging coaches. It made me want to work harder from a more energized place and abundant energy. But when I had the coaches that would just degrade you and put you down and call you names in front of your teammates and make you feel bad, it would drive me to try to be better. But it was always, like, harder. And I never felt satisfied. I never felt fulfilled. I always felt like even when I accomplished something, it still wasn't good enough.
Yeah.
And then I repeat that pattern like, okay, I'm gonna accomplish, but it's not enough to feel loved. And so let me keep accomplishing in order to feel loved. But I still don't love myself because it's not good enough.
Yeah.
So let me go for the next thing.
Yeah, exactly.
It's funny because I have a photo on my phone that my therapist told me to do this exercise, like, eight months ago, which was a strategy for me to reclaim the love for myself. So I have a photo of my childhood self. I don't know if people can see this on YouTube, but a photo of me. This is probably when I was, like, five or six, maybe I was seven. But something that I've tried to do and really been integrating my life is to reconnect with the child where I felt like I stopped loving myself.
Okay, so let's talk about this right now. You ready? Let me talk about this image. So let's talk about the Lewis this age standing in front of a mirror.
Yeah. And what I do is I stand in front of myself as a child. I imagine myself. But to do it. Imagine looking at the mirror as yourself.
Yes.
Yeah.
Well, what I'm trying to say is when you were this age and you stood in front of the mirror, you had a totally different relationship with yourself because you still loved yourself.
Yeah.
You still thought that you were a great kid and you wanted all the things that the adult Lewis wants.
Right.
You want to feel loved, you want to feel seen, you want to feel heard. You want to feel like you matter. And you, in seeing yourself when you were this Age felt those things for yourself.
Yeah, absolutely. And somewhere along the way, you lost it.
And so what I'm trying to say is that when you stand in front of this mirror, exactly what Lewis is talking about. When you've got coaches that scream at you and degrade you, and sure, it makes you run faster, but it leaves its mark.
It does.
It leaves its mark. And so there's research. So let me talk about why this is so motivating, particularly because so many of your audience love sports. Right. So they did a study where they looked at NBA teams, and what they wanted to take a look at was, does fist bumps, backpack, some high fives make a difference in a team? Winning touch. Right.
Didn't they do like a 2020 special or something?
I don't know, but if they did, I need to watch it.
Yeah, yeah.
But so, like, the power of touch. But I think it's deeper. It's the power of encouragement. And so what they found is that in the study, at least in the years that they looked at, you could take a look at the teams that made it to the championships and the NBA, go all the way back to the preseason, and those were the teams that had the most number of fist bumps and back pats and high fives. Yep. And the same was true about the teams that were the lowest in the league at the end of the season. They had the least amount of fist bumps, high fives, and touch.
Why they're least encouraging.
Correct. Those sorts of gestures build trust and partnership. I'm telling you, when you stand in front of a mirror and ignore yourself, you're like the losing NBA team.
Interesting.
Selfish, on your own, isolated. You're not in partnership with the person you're staring at in the mirror. You don't have your own back because you're ignoring yourself.
Yes.
There's another study, and this one is, I think, even more powerful. So they did this study where they wanted to know what's the most motivating thing to help somebody get through a really big challenge? The researchers divide kids into three groups, Right. And they gave each of the groups of kids very challenging problems to work through. And they wanted to measure, okay, how resilient, how long would they work? What were their attitudes like? And then they measured it based on, well, what form of praise or support are we going to give each one of these groups? And let's see, what's the most empowering? First group gets what we know to be the fixed mindset stuff. The praise was all verbal praise, and it was simply about A trait. Louis, you are so smart. Lewis, you know, you are a super student praising something that is just sort of a compliment about you. The second group of students working on a challenging problem got praise based on work ethics. So something in their control. Oh, Louis, you're working so hard. Louis, you got such good perseverance. Louis, you know, you're really, like, just grinding away over there. Good job. Those guys did better than Louis, you're smart, Louis. Hardworking better. The third group, the researchers, simply walked up, did not say a word, and high fived the kid.
Really?
That's it? That's it. That group, literally exponentially more motivated, worked longer, worked through more challenging problems. Now, here's the big question. Why? Why would a simple high five with no verbal praise be more empowering and motivating and inspiring and develop more resilience and confidence and motivation inside somebody? And the reason why is this. A high five affirms your deepest fundamental needs. It's not just a gesture. When you high five somebody, particularly somebody who has either blown the free throw shot or is working on something difficult or going through a really hard time. When you high five them, you're saying, I see you. When you high five them during a challenge, you actually are acknowledging, I know this is hard. So the person feels heard. And because it's one to one and you have to be really intentional. Like, if you and I go to high five, we have to focus on it. That was a good one. If you miss it, what do you do?
You gotta do it again.
Correct. So there's an intentionality behind it, and that makes you feel like you're being affirmed as a unique individual.
Interesting.
And so all of those things are in that one gesture. Now it goes even more. So there's even more here. So I was talking to our buddy, Dr. Daniel. Amen. Right. And so one of the world's leading experts on brains, he's got like 60,000 brain scans.
I think it's like 120,000.
Oh, is it at this point? So he was so excited about the high five habit, he completely geeked out. He's like, oh, my gosh. Yes, yes, yes. He's like, yes. Neurobics. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. So we then he said, let me tell you what else is going on, Mel. And I'm like, really? There's more? He said, yeah. He said, you know how when you do it, you said you felt like a little kind of boost in your mood? He said, well, there are two things going on there. He said, first of all when you cross a finish line in a race, what do you do?
Put your hands up.
Yeah. What do you do in your favorite team sports?
Yeah, you high five someone.
Yeah, you high five somebody. What do you do at a musical concert?
Yay.
What do you do? You know, you're raising your hand in celebration when you high five somebody or fist bump them or put your arm around them. That raised arm gesture, in a positive sense, triggers your nervous system to tingle with celebration. It's the energy of celebration, even if you're going through something difficult. And even more, you get a dopamine drip when you do this. And so part of the reason why you feel this kind of shift in your mood and you feel a little bit of like, oh, okay, I can do. I can face this. I can do this. I got this. Is because of the dopamine. It's because of the nervous system, and it's because of all of this positive programming associated with that gesture. Isn't that crazy?
That's powerful. That's powerful. I mean, so what does someone do, though, if they just constantly have the negative self talk on their mind that they're no good? Do they go in front of the mirror, you know, every 10 minutes and do this? Or is there another strategy behind the negative self talk?
Well, okay, so first things first. Definitely make this high five in the mirror a habit. Okay. So start practicing it. Give it 5 to 10 days and start to see what happens. The second thing that you can do with negative self talk. Okay. Is you need to start to interrupt it. So the thing about negative self talk is that it is typically something you've engaged in since you were yay high. And in addition to it being wired into your brain, it is also something that can get triggered by your nervous system in stressful situations. And so the first step. And we can talk more about the filter in your brain and how the filter in your brain is causing you to stay stuck in a lot of this negative self talk and how to use your mind to help you. But the first step is you gotta do the awful part of getting self aware.
Yes.
Of what the voice is saying and the way that you do that. There's a couple techniques that you can use to create what researchers or psychologists call objectivity. You wanna separate yourself from the voice. So you can do what Louis is doing. He's writing down right now in a journal. You can keep just a little notebook with you, and you can kind of catalog when your attitude tanks and what are you actually saying to yourself.
Okay, so should we write down all the things we're saying. You could be negative about ourselves.
You can, you can. I personally do it this way. I start to notice when I feel down, or I start to notice when my energy drops. And then I tune into what I'm thinking about. And if it's negative, I go, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Yeah, I literally notice. Oh, you're sitting there thinking you're a bad person again. Oh, you're sitting there thinking that somebody's mad at you again. Oh, you're sitting there thinking that you screw everything up again. Oh, you're sitting there thinking that nothing ever works out for you. Oh, you're sitting there thinking that you've blown it. Interesting. And then I go, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. And I go, I'm not thinking about that. That's the most basic technique to use. Because what I want you to do, since this is like operating on autopilot, it's encoded right here. When you're not really thinking, this is what. What's running kind of like the soundtrack of your life. When you just start to notice that you have a thought, that's not helping you. You can't control that it popped up. But guess what you can do? You can smack it down. And so I use the five second rule, which we've talked about a lot on your show. Count backwards. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. The counting backwards awakens your prefrontal cortex. It gives you a moment of control. And then the way to build distance, Louis, is say, I'm not thinking about that. And here's why you're so used to thinking this way. I can't just say, stop thinking you're fat and start thinking that you love your body.
Right?
It's not gonna happen. Yes, it's not gonna happen. So you've got to go, oh, there I am. I'm trashing the way that I look. I'm telling myself that I'm overweight. I look like I'm hideous. Nobody's gonna love me. Be like, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. I am not thinking about that. It's an act of defiance. See, I want you to go from these negative thought patterns to a more positive, empowering high five attitude. Because if you continue to live in, I'm fat, I'm unworthy, no one's going to love me. I've screwed up my life. That will be your life.
Right?
And the trick on this is, I'm not saying, change your thoughts and unicorns appear. I'm saying, change your thoughts so you stop the 24, 7, beatdown. And learn how to lift yourself up so that you can face the things that are going on in your life and so that you can take the actions that you need to take to change your life. Because the reason why you're not changing, it's not because you're not capable. And it's not because of the trauma or your past or anything else. It's because of the beatdown. That's why you're not changing.
It's draining.
It's draining. It's demoralizing. It is. And by the way, if you constantly are like, I'm unlovable, I'm worthy, I'm this, I'm that, why on earth would you feel motivated? Or do you think you deserve to change? If that's the thing in your mind, it doesn't work. And so pay attention. When you feel your energy go negative, be like, oh, okay, what am I? Oh, whoa, that's disgusting. Five, four. I'm not thinking about that. You don't have to insert anything else. Let's just practice shutting it the hell up. The second thing you can do is once you kind of get good at interrupting it, I want you to name, like, let's turn it into a character. So I did this with our son Oakley, when he was struggling pretty profoundly with anxiety when he was in the fifth grade. He named his anxiety Oliver. And then we asked him to describe Oliver. And Oliver was like this pimply faced kid that. What is that? The diary of the wimpy kid, kind of bully looking kid. And whenever the negative worries and stuff would come up, he would literally. You could literally hear him go, oliver, shut up. And it is the ability, what's happening when you name it and picture the person, is that you're able to detach yourself from that voice in your mind that's talking. Because that voice is typically a caregiver that either talked to you that way or talked to themselves that way, or some bully or some trauma experience or some nasty coach that beat this into your head, it's from somebody else. And so we want you to separate yourself so you can be like, oh, that's what Oliver sounds like. That's not actually how I want to talk to myself. And so identifying it, interrupting it, and then you can get into the really incredible magic of rewiring your brain to work for you.
Yeah, I think Ethan Cross, who's a psychologist out of the University of Michigan, has a book called Chatter, which is about all the different psychological strategies for eliminating the negative self talk and improving the quality of your mind. And he says, start coaching yourself. Just like you would have a great coach. Coaching you have someone like a character in your mind. Coaching you, celebrating you with your self talk to help you kind of shift out of that by interrupt it, then coaching yourself.
What would Lewis say to me? What would Mel say to me? And here's the tricky part of this. So the tricky part of this is that I personally think most mantras are also complete garbage. And the reason why I say that is because you don't freaking believe them. So if you think you're worthless, you're never going to be able to stand in front of a mirror and change your life by going, I'm worthy. Because your brain's like, who? No, you're not. We've been talking about this for your life. You're not worthy. You want me to show you something so you have to interrupt it. And if you're going to try to replace it. What you need to do are two things. Number one, you have got to come up with. I should have called it pathetic mantra because it would have been easier to remember. In the book. I called it a meaningful mantra. We should just call it a pathetic mantra. You need to come up with something that's like, okay, you know, like, if you're really, like, bad and you think you're a horrible person, like, don't make your mantra I'm amazing. Make your mantra like, I'm doing the best I can.
Yeah, that's it. Something simple.
Yeah, you can believe that, right? You can believe I'm trying. You know, I'm not meaning to screw up. I'm doing the best I can. That I believe. And that's a. That's better than, boy, I'm the best.
In the world right now.
No, you're never gonna believe that ever, ever, ever. Like, for example, if you struggle with health and weight and stuff, it probably gonna be hard for you to stand in front of a mirror and be like, I love my body because you've been rejecting it. So instead, look at yourself in the mirror and use a meaningful mantra. I deserve to feel healthy.
Right?
And I'm gonna treat myself in a way that proves it. Yeah, that's it. That's different. It's different cause it's believable. The only other thing that will change the way that you think is behavioral activation therapy. So there's a lot of the tools in this book that are grounded as a baseline in the body of research around behavioral activation therapy, which I know you talk about all the Time on the show, which is basically act like the person you want to become.
Right.
If you want to be more like Lewis, act like Louis. Follow his morning routine. Take his advice. Interrupt the garbage. Oliver, in your head. Five, four, three. I'm not talking to you, Oliver. What would Lewis say to me? How would Lewis talk to Louis? And start to act like the person you want to become and something interesting happens. And this is why the high five works, by the way, because it is an action. You are acting like somebody who believes in and loves themselves. Yeah, that's why it works.
Move into motion.
Don't just think only, but so when you see yourself. You know, we always talk about positive morning routines. Let's talk about negative ones, okay? Because your negative patterns are the reason why you have horrible self talk. Like when I was in law school, I hated my life. My anxiety was out of control. I was out of control. I hated law school. And so my behavior actually reflected my state of mind. I would wake up hungover. I would immediately think, oh my God, I'm late. I would then reach for a cigarette and light it. Then I would run around the apartment getting dressed and trying to find everything because nothing was organized. I would then quickly drive to Dunkin Donuts, even though I had no time to stop for coffee. I'd get a big old coffee with four sugars and two creams, smoking another cigarette on the way, speeding my whole way there. Then I would sit in class, be panic stricken about being called on. Same thing again. Then I would sit at lunch, pick at a salad, gossip with friends, avoid the homework. Then I would go to the library, procrastinate forever. Then I would drive home, split a bottle of wine with my roommate, fall asleep, wake up, repeat. When you see somebody's actions, you can typically predict just how bad they're trapped in their mind.
Absolutely.
But I think we all are. I mean, I think even people that have healthy habits don't have a healthy relationship with themselves, that your self talk is ground zero. Because how you talk to yourself, what you think about yourself when you look in the mirror, that sort of default setting in your mind, Geez Louise. I mean, it makes me really sad. Honestly, I was. I gave my first speech in two years because of the pandemic yesterday in Salt Lake. And there was a book line. And even though everybody had masks and they were six feet away, you could see the pain in people's eyes. The isolation, the sadness, the overwhelm, the feeling of uncertainty. And I think that people are feeling way more uncertain and afraid Than they're actually saying right now that the sustained amount of change that we've been having to manage, it's too much. You know, it's a lot. And if you stand in front of the mirror and you can't see somebody that's worth supporting through this, you're just going to continue to go down. Because the one person that you spend your whole life with is you.
Yes.
And this is the relationship you need to be working on. Like you want to be loved, you better learn how to love yourself. You want to feel worthy? Stop looking for it out there and treat yourself like you're worthy. How do you do that? Well, by pushing through the resistance and raising your hand. Like, if you can't freaking high five your reflection.
Right.
You can't, you can't, you can't do that. How the hell are you going to make things happen in your life if you don't think you are worthy of support and celebration? Particularly when life is hard?
Yeah. How are you going to believe that other people are going to do that for you as well if you can't do it for yourself? Why would other people.
Well, actually, this is why people's relationships don't work out. Because you're looking outside yourself for the.
Things you actually need for validation.
Correct. You are chasing people and seeking validation in romantic relationships. And that will end when you can stand in front of that mirror and validate yourself. When you build yourself up, when you support yourself, you show up totally differently for everybody else. When you know that you can have your own back, you're not going to be looking for the validation from your boss or your friends or all these other things. People have problems with boundaries because they can't look themselves in the eye. So how the hell are they going to look somebody else in the eye and say, actually, this doesn't work for me?
What about when things start to shift and we start to see, oh, here's a great potential relationship I could get into, or I got a great job opportunity or something's coming my way. How do we learn to not self sabotage the good things that come to us?
So give me an example. Like, how have you self sabotaged things in your life?
I can't think of a good answer. I don't think I really do that that much, but I know, I know that other people do and it's a big issue. Maybe I'm trying to think.
Okay, so I'll tell you.
But if people get into relationships, this.
Is a really big answer though. You ready?
Yeah.
Okay, so now let's detour into the lane. We talked about this on the last time I was on. But let's detour into the lane of anxiety, of patterns and trauma and talk about why people self sabotage.
Yes.
People don't self sabotage intentionally. Nobody wakes up in the morning and says, today I'm gonna screw up my life. That's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna drink myself on the ground. I'm gonna cheat on my wife, I'm gonna embezzle for my company. I'm gonna lie to everybody about how I'm actually feeling. I'm gonna stop taking my meds, I'm gonna kick the dog. Like, nobody does that. What happens is people get triggered and they react and then they fall into old patterns. And so what happens, I believe in relationships in particular, or jobs where you're like, this time it's gonna be different, is it's different for the first three to six months when it's novel and when you're intentional and when everything counts.
But then when you gotta face yourself.
Then when it becomes like part of your life, you get lazy and you slip into old patterns. Or when the stakes get really high. Let's say you're somebody who had a parent die early or, you know, your dad abandoned the family, and you're scared to love somebody, and so you fall deeply for somebody. And then what gets triggered is this tremendous fear that they're gonna leave, because that's your lived experience. And if you go back to what you did as a child to cope with that fear that somebody's going to leave, that's the exact pattern that you will repeat as an adult. The only way to end this or to try to get your arms around it is to attack it holistically. Because so much of this happens at the subconscious level. And it also, it gets triggered first by your nervous system and you're not even aware of it. And so there's a tool that I talk about in this book called High Fiving youg Heart. Your heart, your heart. Yep. So what you do. And I started doing this because I was having this incredible response from past trauma happen when the pandemic hit. So when the pandemic hit, I started waking up feeling like something was terribly wrong. And I would. It would start my ankles and it would flood up my legs and go all the way up my body. And I would feel. Feel this wave come up. My immediate thought is, something's wrong. And my heart would start to race and I'd feel this full on like Anxiety response. And I know what that is now. So I now know that the anxiety response of waking up, which so many people do, this is really actually very, very common.
People wake up anxious.
Yes. Feeling like they're in trouble or something's wrong or something's about to go wrong. Yeah.
That's not good.
Well, if you grew up in a chaotic household, that's normal. Yep. If you had a caregiver that gave you the silent treatment or had mental illness or had a drinking problem, a narcissistic use in your house. Yep. You did wake up anxious. Yeah. Because your anxiety, by the way, was trying to protect you. It was putting you in a state of being alert so that you were ready in case something happened. But for a ton of us, Louis, we have lived our whole lives with a dysregulated nervous system. That's what I've come to learn during the pandemic, that I have literally lived since probably the fourth grade with my nervous system never truly resetting back to a calm, resting state. And so I started to wake up every morning in the pandemic, like so many people did. And I've always kind of had this sort of wake up and feeling like something's wrong. Like, oh, you know, Chris is mad. Like, my first thing is, like, Chris is already up. He's meditating. He's angry that I've slept 15 minutes longer than him. Like, it's so stupid. You know, this is how we torture ourselves. But during the pandemic, it was like a full on anxiety response. And so I started doing this thing where I would put my hands on my heart, like, right in the center of my chest. I got big mitts just like you, so you can kind of hit the whole thing, Take a deep breath. And then I would say, I'm okay, safe. I'm loved. If you can say those things in this moment, it's true. You are okay. You are safe, and you are loved. Whether you're waking up in a mansion or a homeless shelter. And what would happen as I was doing this high fiving, My heart is. You're pressing on the vagus nerve. Like, that's what you're actually toning. That's the same thing that Wim Hof is teaching with the ice cream. You're toning your vagus nerve. And what the vagus nerve is, as you very well know, because you talk about on the show, is it's the switch between your sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system. Fight or flight versus rest. So if you ever Find yourself in a stressful state. Give your heart a high five. Put your hands on your heart. Go. I'm okay. I'm safe. I'm loved. Repeat it 111 times if you need to. What you'll feel is you'll feel your nervous system start to settle. You'll feel yourself come back into your body, you'll feel your mind slow down and you will literally take control of your nervous system. It is unbelievable. And it's also really important because, you know, in researching this book, I talked to, you know, the acclaimed Dr. Judy Willis, who's a incredible neuroscientist, and she explained something I never knew, but it makes a lot of sense. If your nervous system is on edge and it's in a like, alert state, you're dysregulated, it's impossible for your cognitive function of your brain to work. I can give you an example. If somebody were to bust in here with a gun and try to rob us, would you be able to do a math problem?
No, no. Just thinking. Safety.
Yes, exactly.
Saved my life.
I can't. I bet the majority of people actually walk around with a nervous system that is on edge like that. Particularly post pandemic.
Yeah.
And for me, the reason why I've actually linked it all the way back. So when I was in the fourth grade, I was molested while I was sleeping by an older kid.
Wow.
And in the kind of array of things that can happen in terms of sexual abuse, mine was very tame, like it was a one time incident. It was a kid who's slightly older than me. It was confusing, not scary. I just possumed, disassociated, don't even remember how it ended. And for a long time I didn't even remember it. And then I remembered it when I was 28 years old. And I believe that the reason why I have always woken up in a state on edge is because of that incident.
Since the fourth grade.
Yes. And the third thing is, Louis, is that I, you know, the morning's a trigger. If you have that stored in your body, something happened to you, something happened to you, something's wrong, something's wrong because something was wrong. And you don't have the tools, and no kid does, to smooth out your nervous system and heal the trauma. That trauma lives in your body. And so I believe most self sabotaging behavior that people continue to repeat is nothing but stored trauma and your best ability to cope with it when it was happening.
That's why we sabotage.
Yes. So I don't Think it's intentional. I really don't. Like, even somebody who's diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, they don't know that they have that. Like, they're not intent. Like there's not. It's like such a program behavior. There's no, I'm gonna go do the. I'm in love with this person. Let's go screw it up.
Right?
That's not what happens. And this is also why I'm telling you, I know I'm crazy passionate about this topic of this standing in front of the mirror and changing how you see yourself. If you don't get a hold of that story, I'm worthless, I'm unlovable, I screw everything up. I'm a bad person. I'm not good enough. Nothing works out for me. If you don't change that and start cheering yourself forward, you will stay locked in these self sabotaging patterns because you will act in a way that you believe it subconsciously or unconsciously. I know it's heavy. Oh, sorry. I keep. Sorry.
It's all good. Yeah, man. So you're saying you're 52 right now, as you said.
Yeah.
So you're saying I have a lot of work to do still for the rest of my life. It doesn't matter.
I don't actually. I don't know. I don't know if you screwed up your life as much as I did. So I think it's like. And I don't know how much you torture yourself. I'm really good at torturing myself, or at least I used to be. And so back to your original question about learning to love yourself. I also think that even if you're wildly successful, whether it's successful in your relationship or successful at work, a lot of us, the more successful we become, the harder we are on ourselves. We harp on the things that aren't going right instead of really focusing on the things that are going well.
Yeah, we don't celebrate enough.
Yes.
Just on to the next or what?
Yes.
What could have been more perfect? Or something like that? Yeah. What is that saying to ourselves when we don't celebrate the hard work we put in?
You're not worthy of it. You haven't done enough. Even this amazing podcast that you have is enough. Louis, I'll high five you when, you know, I sell it for $100 million or I'll high five you. Right. It rings true. Because it's true.
Yeah.
Yeah. I'm not there yet. And somehow, if I celebrate this, am I going to get the big thing. Like think about a marathon. So a marathon. I think life is a marathon. And if you've ever watched a marathon or run a marathon, I'm running one.
In a few months.
Are you?
My first one.
Oh, fantastic.
Yeah, I'm a little terrible. I'm a little terrified.
Why?
You've done it?
Yeah, I've run four of them. Well, run is a very aggressive jog run. Sort of.
Yeah.
Like, you know, if over five hours.
Can be okay, you finish?
Yeah, I finish. I walk through the, you know, the water things. But you're a big guy, so it might be hard on your knees.
That's what I'm saying. Yeah.
So here's the thing that you're going to love about it. Okay, tell me the entire time you're running, spectators are high fiving you.
It gets you through it. Yes, that's what I keep saying. I'm like, I feel like running alone is so not fun.
If you can do a 13 mile training run.
I did a 13 mile. Yeah.
Yes.
A few months ago.
Then you can run a marathon really.
Well because it's just going to get you through it.
Well, all of the people get you through it.
Yes.
Every high five is a transfer of energy. It's a transfer of belief. It drips dopamine. What did Dr. Amen say? It actually harnesses the energy of celebration in your nervous system. Every high five says keep going. It says, I believe in you. It says, you're gonna get there. It makes you enjoy it. The same thing happens in your bathroom mirror. If you have big goals, you better stand in front of that mirror and high five yourself every day, every single step of the way. Stop looking around and waiting for everybody else to do it. Start giving it to yourself. And you will be shocked at how much more quickly things start to happen, at how much more joy you experience along the way, at how much more present you are. It's wild.
What's the difference between high fiving yourself in the mirror versus high fiving your partner or best friend or business?
You already do that. You already do that. You're already throwing all this energy at everybody else and then you get pissed off when it doesn't come back to you.
Right?
Yeah. Take some of that and give it back to yourself. Improve the connection you have with yourself. And this isn't about like pumping yourself up to think you're like the best person on the planet. This is like the baseline. This is literally being like, you know what? You're gonna have an okay day. Let's Go do this. You know what? I see you. I know this is hard. Keep going. I know you're to have this hard conversation with this person. I believe you can do it.
Yeah.
Let's go.
Yeah.
Like, it's just one little boost along the way. You know, if you think about the things that go viral, it's little kids in front of a mirror with their parents getting them to talk afterwards, believing themselves.
Yeah.
Correct. We all know that's how we're supposed to feel, but we feel weird and cheesy practicing it. Kidding me, right? The other thing that goes viral, all these teachers that are high fiving and fist bumping kids with these handshakes as they go in, and the mirror one with the I am. That just kind of went viral. Why do we all love that? Because we know each one of those kids just felt seen and felt good and felt motivated walking into that classroom. Start your day that way.
Yeah. They feel empowered.
Yes.
It's easier to learn from a place of empowerment than.
I'm glad you're here.
Yeah.
I see you. Glad you showed up today.
Yeah.
Let's go do this.
That's cool. What's the hardest thing you've had to deal with with the negative thought process in your mind? Like, what's the most challenging thing in your life to overcome the negative thoughts?
You mean like a specific situation?
Like, you've had a lot of success. You keep manifesting, but what's something. Like, what's the biggest struggle for you where you currently give yourself negative self talk? Like, what's the thing you have to constantly try to overcome?
Oh, that people are mad at me.
Really?
Oh, yeah. Yeah. People are mad at me. Or that. That, that. That I've done something. It's actually, it's not the people are mad at me. It's that that I've done something wrong.
And so that's why people are mad at me.
Yes. Yes. The default in my brain is I've done something wrong. It was really interesting when this book came out. I mean, you and I are fantastic friends and we have. And we are super supportive of one another.
Mm.
And we share a lot of mutual friends.
Yes.
And I did not want to reach out to anybody that we are friends with and ask them to be on their podcast because I presumed everybody would say no. Why I have this default setting that I've done something wrong. That you're secretly mad at me. That you would feel that it's a sense of obligation and that I would be imposing myself and it would be this weird thing, like, this is a complete just play that goes on in my mind. Completely. Completely. And I don't know if I'll ever get rid of it.
Really.
Yeah. But it gets quieter and quieter and quieter. I kind of laugh at him, like, oh, for God's sakes, just text him. I mean, he's either gonna say no or whatever. And. But it is something that I struggle with, for sure.
Interesting.
Yeah. Like this deep.
Where do you think it comes from?
I don't know. I think it comes from, like, if I had to really unpack it, like, maybe it comes from having a mom that was 19 and who didn't have her family around her and who probably was dealing with a lot of fear and grief and. And my dad was in medical school and she was working nights for the irs. Both their families were on the east coast. They were in the middle of Kansas. I can only imagine how overwhelming and anxiety ridden it must have been. And what we know now, I mean, that book that Oprah did with Dr. Bruce Perry about what happens in your development from basically zero to eight months, I feel like that probably had a big impact. Not anything intentional, but just like, how stressed out things must have been. Like, I did. I recently. My husband and I recently did a guided MDMA therapy session for trauma. It was one of the most life changing things I've ever experienced. And I've heard great things about mdma. Oh, it's unbelievable. It suspends. I'm terrified. There's no way in hell I'm ever doing ayahuasca. I don't need to poop or puke or any of that stuff. And I also feel like if I did ayahuasca, there would be monsters all over the place. It would be a horror show. And the thing that would come out of it is me going, I can get myself through anything. That's what the drug taught me. And I don't feel like I need to have a really scary trip in order to make that happen.
I have no desire.
Yeah. But mdma, I will shout from the rooftops. It suspends the amygdala, which is the fear center of the brain, so you do not have the scary response. And so we did this incredible thing. We were together, having separate experiences. We laid down on these mats. They made a six hour playlist. You put a blindfold on and the music guides you. And as the drug took a hold, and my intention was I wanted to look back on my life and see all the good. And it was because I tend to like everybody Focus on kind of the bad stuff. And not that there's been a lot of bad stuff either. And so, I mean, if anything, I had an amazing childhood. I had. My parents are still married. They're still in the house I grew up in. I grew up in a tiny, amazing little town in the Midwest. Super close family, like, whatever. But I still think the trauma that gets stored in your nervous system is very individual, Whether it's a critical parent or you're just hard on yourself, or it's generational crap that gets passed down. We are all healing something, whether it's ours or it's our grandmother's that got passed down through your mother and onto you. And so the music takes hold. And the very first vision, it was almost like being on a roller coaster. And it takes a turn like Space Mountain, and then you come onto a scene of your life. And there I was on our lake, Bear Lake, in North Muskegon, Michigan, with Jody Bricken, my best friend from elementary school. And we were ice skating, and I was there. Louis.
Wow.
I was in the scene. And then as the song ends and you go into a different one, it takes you to a different part of yourself subconscious. And wait to hear this. I was sitting in a baby carriage, and the first vision was. Well, actually, I didn't know. I was in a. In a. In a little bassinet. I was looking up at the sky, and it was this beautiful sky with these big white clouds, and there were these kites flying all over the place. And then I looked over, and across from me were my parents. And they were so young. My mom had this beautiful pixie haircut that she had when she had me. And my dad had a perm. You know, my mom used to give a perm back in the late 60s. And I was filled with so much love. And I was also filled with so much empathy for how alone they were. It was them against the world.
Yeah.
And that really shifted something in me in terms of that experience and how I see, like, look, I love my folks. My mom and I have the kind of relationship. She's one of my favorite human beings. And we can stand each other for about three days, and then we literally want to kill each other. And I think as a kid, I made it my job that she was okay. If she was unhappy, I tried to make her happy, which only made her unhappy. And so I feel like my tendency in relationships is to try to make everybody okay, which constantly leaves me feeling like I'm not okay or if they're not okay. I'm not okay that there's something wrong. I've done something wrong. And it's a very common pattern, by the way. This is like about as classic as it gets. That doesn't mean there's anything horrible that necessarily happened. It's just that as human beings, we are energetically intertwined with one another. And so what was interesting is after this incredible experience, which was literally like watching the movie reel of your life, I have experienced almost no dysregulation in my nervous system.
Wow.
I had an experience the other night. We ordered from P F Chang's and we ordered everything. And I have one daughter who's like, gluten free this and da da, da, da, da, da, da. And she comes barreling into the room and tries to bite hers and is like, this is terrible. And then picks up my husband's thing and leaves. And normally that would send me into like, you selfie. And I felt the volcano come to my ankles. And then I very calmly said, hey, Ken, that's dad's. Could you put it back? And you can have what you ordered or just make something else, but don't take that. I didn't need to erupt. And so that was one impact that it's had, which is incredible. And I. We only did this a couple months ago. And then the second thing that happened afterwards, I called my mom and I said, you know, I had this vision because I didn't know. And I said, you know, we were. All I could see were kites. And she said, oh, that's Kansas City. There's a park we used to go to.
Wow.
Is that not crazy?
That's crazy.
Yeah. So I think that sort of default, there's something wrong comes from just energetically hardwired into right.
People around me, are they upset at me? Are they upset in general that I'm.
I also think this stuff is generational.
Yeah.
You know, when I think about, you know, my. I come from a long line of very hard working farmers. And you know, my dad's side of the family owned a bakery, immigrants. And you know, it's not an easy life.
No, it's not.
Not an easy life at all.
Working hard all day your whole life. There's a strategy that I started doing when I was broke. I was like, I was like, I could really make, you know, start making some money. You know, I could really start making some money. And someone said, money comes to you when you're ready for it. And I was like, I feel pretty ready. You know, I'm like, I could use some of that money right now. I don't like feeling broke, but I said, you know what? I'm gonna start looking at the world as if I see money everywhere.
Yes. Yes.
And I start. I literally start. Like, I find money all the time. I see $20 bills, $100 bills. I found, like, just on the street, randomly. I see quarters and nickels and dollars.
Start with a penny. You could do this with a heart. You could do this with a heart.
Rock.
His mind is open to it. This is how you train your mind. You basically tell it what you want by saying, this is important to me.
Start looking for it, you start seeing it.
Yes. And by the way, this is also why it's important to do that thing where, like, boom, I found it. See?
Yes.
And then it makes your mind do more. This is why it comes back to the positive affirmation. If you start to high five yourself and tell yourself that you deserve to be happy and you deserve to be fulfilled, you will start to see reasons for it.
That's it. I started doing this when I was single at one point, and I said, I'm going to start attracting the most incredible, like, amazing women in my life. Whether it just be friendships or romantic. I'm going to meet people.
That's exactly when I walked into your life.
I'm like, yes, exactly.
In walks Mel Robbins.
But you just start finding these. You start recognizing what you want, you start seeing it, and then you start attracting it more frequently. Whether it's a heart that you're looking for, whether it's pennies, you'll start finding it, and you'll start to manifest more of those things in your life. So in the book, the high five habit. Take control of your life.
You want to hear a crazy story?
Yes. Go ahead. Go ahead.
Okay. So I got to say, what chapter is this? Because everybody's going to ask you, and I don't really know. This is one of the most extraordinary stories ever. Oh, 189. Oh, no, that's the page number. It's chapter 14.
Okay.
Okay. You ready for this?
Yes.
It's incredible. So this is a story.
Is this a jealousy part or no?
No.
Okay.
Oh, do you want to talk about jealousy? I'll talk about jealousy and how I write about you in the book and how jealous I am of you. It's true. I am jealous of you. I am. So here's the thing. I want everybody to understand. We all have jealousy. Wrong. You have been taught to believe that jealousy is a bad thing.
Right.
Jealousy Is only a bad thing if you wallow in it and let it kill you.
Yes.
Jealousy is a great thing if you understand it.
And if you use it as a tool to move forward.
Yes. You can only be jealous of the things that are meant for you.
Ooh, that's interesting.
Yeah. Like, I'm not jealous of somebody who lives on ranch in Montana. I don't want to do that right now.
Right.
I'm not jealous at all. I'm not jealous of somebody who lives in a penthouse apartment in New York City. I don't want that right now. You can only be jealous of things that are meant for you. Jealousy is blocked desire. And it builds when you don't take.
Action toward it more and more.
Yes.
You resent them.
Yes.
Yes.
And so you aim all this stuckness that you've created because you will not give yourself permission to take action. Why? Because you don't think you're worthy. You don't think you deserve it. You think you're too late. The negative self talk in the mirror stops you dead in your tracks. And so you become buried alive in jealousy. Goes back to this high five. Give yourself permission to have the things that you desire. Let your jealousy. Like, I'm jealous of Louis because he started his podcast way back when. He's freaking amazing at it. He's got this, like, unbelievable impact. Every single day I wake up and I'm like, I love Lewis. I hate Louis. I love Louis. Off Louis. I love Lewis. Like, why is it Louis and not me? Why did Louis do it? Why was Louis the one sleeping on somebody's couch and started a podcast? I was doing radio back in 2009. This should be me, right? I have a desire to launch a podcast.
So you're launching one now?
Yes. We're in the middle of it. Yes. I shook my hand so hard, like, I got that, like, weird thing that happens with your finger. So no, you gotta give yourself permission to feel jealousy and then just unpack it. Well, what is it that I'm jealous of? And it's the fact that you have a podcast. And so I've got two choices. Let that sh T haunt me or do something about it.
Let it go or let it go. Let it go and stop letting it haunt you.
Yes.
Or go take action.
Yeah, either take action and go earn it and do it your way or let it eat you alive. Those are your two choices. Because the other thing about desire and the things that are meant for you, they never leave you. Somebody who's always dreamt of doing Something.
Always dream of doing something for 20 years is a good example. And then we gotta get to the final questions because you gotta leave here in a few minutes. But for 20 years, every year, I had the desire to learn Spanish.
Oh, my God. I have the same thing. If you're gonna tell me that you've learned Spanish, this is another reason why I'm jealous of you.
For 20 years, I've had the desire, and every year I start to attempt it, and then I quit because it gets too hard. Because it's just not.
You and I are dyslexic.
Yes. It's very challenging for me.
Foreign languages for dyslexia is very difficult.
I mean, English is challenging.
Are you telling me you know Spanish now?
I'm learning Spanish. So here's what I. Here's what I said to myself for a year now. I said, okay, I know this is not going to happen overnight. Like it. Like athletics happens for me or where it's like, quick, quick for me to learn something. I know this has been a struggle in the past, but I'm going to start. I'm going to invest in a coach, a teacher, a tutor. I'm going to work on my time. I'm going to do it. The times I can do it, I do it three days a week. Right now, it's only an hour at a time. Three days a week. So it's three hours a week. It's not that much. It's not full immersion. It's not six months, and I'm fluent. It's just like the slow process.
But you're doing it.
But I've been doing it for a year, and I still feel like a year later, man. I'm like, do I even know any of this? I still have those moments, but I also know I'm way better than I was a year ago. Yes, I understand a lot. I understand a lot more, and I feel way more confident. And I'm just like, you know what? I'm going to enjoy the process and keep enjoying it. If it takes me 10 years. If it takes me 10 years, it'll take me 10 years.
That's right.
It takes me five years, three. Hopefully it doesn't. But it's the process of I'm showing up consistently. I'm seeing the rain and the 5am on my vision board for Spanish. And I'm saying, you know what? I'm just gonna keep showing up consistently. Little wins at a time.
I'm embarrassed, but I'm saying it anyway. I don't know the word.
I'm asking for help, but I'm celebrating the moment. And in three to five years I'll be thanking myself because I'll be fluent.
Yes. And the difference is we gave up every. Because I've started a million times given.
Up for 20 years. And I said I'm not giving up anymore.
Right.
Because the desire was still there.
Correct. I didn't leave you there.
I didn't need to kill the desire and say I'm done with this dream. Like I let it go.
I'm not willing to do it. Yeah, yeah.
Or I gotta actually start doing something.
Correct.
It took me 20 years to start doing this one. Correct. And it's not effortless overnight, but it's. I'm making it fun. I'm showing up.
Well, let's use the marathon analogy. If you are celebrating yourself and encouraging, empowering yourself every single second step of the way and you're keeping a high five attitude about it every single day, when you wake up, you will keep going with the Spanish. You and I kept quitting because the moment it got hard, we said, screw this, I can't do it. We gave up. We stopped cheering ourselves forward.
Absolutely.
It's a muscle.
It is. Yeah.
Well, I'll tell you the painting story the next time because I can't tell it without crying.
Perfect. Tell me the next time people can go get the book. I got a couple final questions. They can get the book. The High Five Habit. Take Control of youf Life With One simple habit. Simple high five in the mirror. Just boom. Just boom with yourself. That's a good one.
Yeah, that's a good one.
You also have a challenge and I've got a link. I'm sending people to. You just go to Lewishouse.com Mel and it'll send you to the high five challenge.
Lewis is doing it. That's right.
Yes, I'll be doing it five days.
Five million people, Louis start their day with this stuff.
It's a five day challenge. So you can join the challenge.
It's super free.
It's easy, it's easy, it's free, it's fun and it'll help you build self confidence, momentum, all that stuff. So make sure you get a couple copies of the book. This is gonna be a game changer for a long time for many people.
I believe that you see the five second rule, it helped you get moving.
Yes.
And this, this will keep you going. No, this goes deeper.
What's it do? Helps you believe in yourself.
It helps you stop the self hatred and the Self doubt.
Yes.
That keeps you from doing what you need to do. The five second rule is a hack that helps you find instant courage and motivation. This fundamentally changes how you see yourself.
Oh, that's good. That's what we need. So if you don't learn to love yourself, it's gonna be hard to keep going. You can go for a day or two days, but it's hard to be consistent when it's. When it's painful.
Most people go through life not loving themselves, right? I thought I did.
You thought you love yourself.
I really did. But the truth is I was not actually demonstrating it. I was doing it by eating the right stuff and, you know, taking care of my body and being very loving and nurturing to my kids and going to therapy. But in terms of that intimate moment with myself and how I viewed my myself, I still saw what was wrong. I still saw a person who needed fixing, a person who had screwed up. And what I see now is somebody that I love.
That's good. It's beautiful. Yeah, that's hard for a lot of people, everyone. So I'm proud of you for doing that because it's not easy.
I'm not done. Like, tomorrow I could wake up and be like, okay, high five. Come on. That was a negative.
Again, people can get the book melrobbins.com, melrobbins everywhere on social media. Lewishouse.com Mel to get the free Challenge audio book as well, which is going to be powerful. You can go to Audible and check that out. This is going to be a big book for a long time. So I want people to get this.
I think so. It's the thing I'm the most proud of, Louis, that I've ever put out.
I'm excited for you. Very excited. It's a great book.
Thanks.
I asked you this question before. I'm going to ask it again. So we have it and see what your response is from a few years later. Now, this is called the Three Truths. So imagine it's your last day on earth, many years away from now, and you've accomplished all your dreams. But for whatever reason, you've got to take all of your work with you. So people don't have your books, this podcast is gone, your videos, your content, it's all gone to another place. But you get to leave behind three lessons to the world. Three things you know to be true from all of your experiences in life. And this is all we have of your body of work. What would you say are those three lessons or three truths? For you.
Oh, well, for sure. The most important relationship you have in life is the one you have with yourself. So treat yourself like the most important person in your life. The second one is. I think what we talked about today that. Oh, I know we didn't talk about this. This is part of the high five attitude. This has saved my. This moment is preparing me for something amazing that hasn't happened yet. That saying, which I deeply believe because life is the greatest school you will ever attend. Hence, we're at the school of greatness. Man. It anchors me down in hope, optimism, and faith. No matter what's happening, it is like a mental high five. And it has all borne out that there's always a skill or an experience or a life lesson or a person that I have gained in every horrible thing that's ever happened to me or because of me, that has prepared me for something amazing that's coming. And then the final thing is for sure, the five second rule and the application I would want people to know is that. You can 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. And interrupt any thought you don't want to think. And that will give you immediate control over what you think next.
Absolutely, absolutely.
Oh, and I know. And don't put too much MCT oil in your coffee or else you will literally have an accident trying to hike.
Yes, Go crap yourself. Crap your pants.
True story.
Before I ask the final question, Mel, I want to acknowledge you for being an amazing friend. You're a great friend to me and to so many people. And I acknowledge you for constantly showing up because I know you go through a lot of different challenges, a lot of different weight in your life pressures, and the fact that you constantly show up in service of creating a book like this and creating content for people so that they can overcome the crap in their life is a beautiful thing. So. So I acknowledge you for being a symbol of inspiration and constantly showing up even when it seems like there's a lot going on in your life. So thank you for doing that.
Thank you. And Lois, let me acknowledge you for something, okay? You have been such an amazing friend to me. I'm gonna get emotional, probably pull it back. You have been so open and so generous with your friendship and with your wisdom, both the wisdom that comes from doing great and the wisdom that comes from being shitty. And you have allowed me to experience what it feels like to be considered a really good friend.
I appreciate it.
I appreciate that. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
She got roll.
Crying making me emotional here. Okay, final question. What's your definition of greatness.
Oh, this moment right now. Two friends fully present with one another, sharing and doing life together.
There you go.
Love you.
High five. Love you.
I love you. I just didn't want to suffer anymore. That was really the moment for me. Like, I sought the truth. I was seeking the truth because I wanted a way out of suffering. And, you know, I've got an incredible life. But what I talk. When I. When I talk about suffering, what I mean is suffering from the mind, not suffering from what's happening in the world. Suffering from the mind. Suffering.
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