Make Them DESIRE YOU! - Easy Ways To Become More ATTRACTIVE TODAY | Stephan Speaks

Focus on giving your partner the best of you, not the worst of you.

Too many people use the label of love to disguise other toxic energies, behaviors, and perceptions.

The same walls you have up to protect you are the same walls blocking your blessings. You're restricting your ability to love and be loved because you're walking in fear.

When someone meets someone new, When is the appropriate amount of time to know that this person could be one of the people that you spend the rest of your life with, a long time with?

It's very instant and immediate. So, here's the thing. Society has brainwashed us to believe that love and identifying it takes time. That's a lie. In most situations when it takes months, you have not fallen in love, you've learned to tolerate them. You've grown attached to them.

Wow.

All right, you've enjoyed a part of.

The process, it's giving you connection, you're not lonely.

Exactly, and when you've invested months you are more likely to not want to walk away from it because all the time and energy you put in. So, now you mistake the attachment to the investment as love and it's not really love. When you sit down with people who can say they felt a real or they have a real connection with their partner. I think every story, I don't know if any one story that's opposite of this They will all say it was pretty much instant. First date, you may not know 100% fact I'm going to marry this person, but you knew the potential was there. You knew like this could be the one that at least came to mind. And so, again, when we don't have that in that first conversation, that first day, it's unlikely. I'm not going to sit there and say it's impossible that it can happen days later or a week later or whatever. But typically, and even if you can't articulate it as you knew they could be the one, when people look back they can tell you that they felt something very strong in that initial engagement with their partner that said they knew something was different.

They may not even know what it.

Was but they knew okay, this isn't normal, this isn't like the rest something's going on here and then there's a full realization of this is it.

What is that something that we can't understand that feeling? What is that called? Is that just like your magnets connected to each other? Is that your energy is so attracted because there's so much opposites or it's so much similarities? What is that force that gets people to say there was something different about this person when I met them?

I personally believe it's your spirit recognizing its match. Because there are, if you speak to a lot of people of different religious beliefs, there's the belief that things happen in the spirit before they happen in the physical, all right. So, it's almost like the spirit is ahead of us which is why the spirit knows the truth which is why intuition, gut instinct, third eye, whatever you want to call it, it always seems to be accurate because your spirit knows before you know. So, we're feeling it within our spirit the problem is it's getting our mind in tune with the spirit. It's allowing our heart to accept what the spirit is saying to us. But we feel it. We just don't know how to always explain it. Those who are very in tune with the spirit can recognize it much quicker and accept it for what it is much quicker because they're very in tune already.

Why is it so hard for our mind and our heart to get caught up to our gut or intuition of that initial explosion of chemistry? And also, can that explosion of connection and chemistry be harmful in a different way?

Okay, so one, fear. fear is the number one reason why we struggle to accept. So, one of the things I explain to a lot of women, you know, and I have my membership group for them. So, I've had this discussion where I say, listen, you know, the difference between intuition and fear is logical deduction. So, when you're trying to analyze and break things down, that's your mind, all right. And fear is coming into that because you're saying, well, I shouldn't do this because of that or this can't be this because of that. Intuition requires no logic. Your spirit requires no logic. It simply feels, it senses, it knows. That's it. You don't have to explain it. Again, gut instinct doesn't require things to logically add up. It just tells you this is it or something's wrong or this is right or whatever the case may be. So, fear is the number one thing and that fear stems from lack of healing from past relationships. We've been down this road of emotional investment. We've gotten hurt before. We've been wrong in our lives about wanting to believe someone could be it. Even though we know this feels different, we still have the fear of disappointment that creeps back in.

How do we let go of that fear and not sabotage an amazing opportunity in a relationship?

You got to heal from your past.

There's no way around it.

And this is why I say people who have not healed, they can meet their connection right now. The most amazing partner and it will scare them to death. And they will either run, self-sabotage, something. It's going to be a problem because they have not healed. And when you have not healed, the vulnerability that's required in connection is so unlike anything else or with anyone else that if you don't have a level of confidence and again, a foundation of healing in your life, it seems way too overwhelming and scary. So you've got to heal in order to not find yourself sabotaging, running away, and not being able to embrace that real love.

What if both parties come to something and there's this explosion of chemistry or just instant, like, wow, there's something different feeling, and both have not healed their past, but they stay together, they figure it out, and they're together. Is there gonna be a lot of problems and trauma and stress that comes up over the years if they both haven't healed before they get into a relationship or can they heal in the relationship together?

It is possible, let me backtrack a little bit. First, let me say that people have to understand there is a such thing as right person, wrong time, all right. People don't want to believe that there are a lot of people who reject that idea. They say, oh, if it's the wrong time, it's not the right person. That's not true. You can meet that individual that you have an amazing connection with but both parties still need growth before they can come together, all right. And so, now is... What happens if.

They come together and they haven't healed?

So, here's the thing, it is possible to get through that and survive and have a healthy relationship. It is unlikely for most people to survive being with someone you have a connection with and you have not healed. Again, most people won't even allow themselves to be with that person.

They'll sabotage it so much they'll dive in but then they'll cheat or they won't respond to the person they'll do something, right?

Yes, and speaking of cheating, they tend to have a history of going back to an ex because the ex feels safer because it's not as vulnerable over there, all right. I can maintain more emotional control, it's familiar so it's easier. So, I've seen plenty of situations where again, the connection was so overwhelming so they ran back to their ex. No one is not... The ex is not for them and they're not for their ex. But again, it just feels safer there. So, yes, a lot can go wrong if you try to be together when you have not healed and you have this connection. It would be best to acknowledge okay, you know what? We got some work we need to do. We realize we have a connection here let's work on ourselves in the meantime before we take that next step.

Can you heal while having sex with one or multiple partners for fun on the side?

I'm not gonna say it's impossible, but again, highly unlikely. Sex is such a distracting thing. And we have to understand that so much can come from our sexual interactions. There can be new drama, there can be hell, an unwanted pregnancy, there can be a host of things. And all of that will derail you in the healing process. You also have to be honest with yourself. You may be having the sex because you're trying to distract yourself from the healing. Like, the sex is just a coping mechanism for you. Same as drugs, same as alcohol. People turn to these things because they don't want to deal with their reality in life. So, you've got to be honest. Are you trying to just bury your head in sexual interactions or is it just... If it's happening in a natural flow of life, Okay, then there's a greater chance that you can survive this, but you got to be really careful. I would suggest cutting that off.

Yeah.

If you're trying to heal, you know, again, I don't want to say it's impossible, but you're going to make it.

Extremely difficult and highly unlikely. For sure. I want to ask you about the best ways to meet someone these days, 2020 moving forward, the do's and don'ts for online dating. But what I'm hearing you say is that you shouldn't be trying to meet someone, you shouldn't be doing the online dating game until you've fully healed, or at least started the the process of healing because healing is a journey. Sometimes things take a lot longer to heal fully, but at least acknowledging and starting that process, what would be a process to start healing your past relationships or pains before we get into the conversation of do's and don'ts of online dating?

Okay.

So of course, going to a therapist or coach is the ideal thing to do. you typically need that outside party that can help you process some things, help you see new perspectives, and go through a process of healing. Now, I will be honest, not every coach and therapist is going to help someone heal. Sometimes it just turns into a venting session. So you've got to be real careful about, okay, if I've been going to this therapist or coach for many weeks or months now, what progress have I really made? Have I been resolving or have I been coping? because many are teaching you how to cope and manage and how to function within your brokenness, but they're not resolving it and helping you heal. Now, of course, you know, I'm big on healing. So I have my book, Love After Heartbreak, which gives people the exact steps to healing. So one of the steps, I'll give you the first step, is getting the hurt out in front of you. So it's this who Hurt Me list. And so you get a piece of paper, you write down who hurt me and you ask yourself the question, who hurt me? and now everyone who comes to mind you put them on the paper. Doesn't matter if it happened very long ago, doesn't matter if you think you moved past it. If they come to mind when you ask the question then that means there's some kind of relevance there. And so, now you put them on the paper and like two sentences of what they did to hurt you. This will now at least help us identify what you've been holding on to and where the hurt is and what needs to be properly addressed. And then from there we can do the other steps of getting things off your chest and forgiveness and all these different things that's involved in healing.

I love that. I'm a big proponent of writing letters to people that you never send them, telling them how it made you feel, what you're frustrated and angry about with them, forgiving them, letting it go. And then I like to burn the letter and bury it as well in the ground to hopefully create a sense of like, okay, this was alive in me and now I'm killing this and this feeling, this energy, I'm putting it to bed and I'm putting it back in the world to hopefully create something new, to grow something new and more loving and powerful and create that intention. But I think that's really important. When should we know that we have are healed enough? How do we know when our healing has gone far enough of that on its journey before we should get into meeting someone new, putting ourselves out there on social media, online dating apps and things like that?

All right, well, first thing I want to say is now there are going to be times where sending the letter to the person is actually the best thing to do.

Really?

Yes. A lot of people are scared about that and it's a very difficult hurdle to jump. But I literally got a DM today from a woman who read the book. She wrote her letter last year to her mother. She didn't want to send it. She held on to it. She said she just finally built up the courage because I tell them in the book 99% of the time I'm going to tell you to send the letter.

Wow.

And so, she finally did it and she said they end up having the best conversation they've ever had in their life. Now, they're like the best of friends, like it's taking their relationship to a whole new level. And it's not that's not the purpose of sending it but there's so much good that can come from taking the extra step of actually sending the letter and making sure that person is aware of how you felt and what you were going through. Now, in regards to knowing when you've properly healed, number one thing is when you can embrace being fully vulnerable with somebody, all right. If vulnerability still scares you, you have not healed enough, all right. You've got to be willing to open your heart. We can't say we want love and then put walls up around our heart and be afraid to give it to someone. You're contradicting yourself, you're working against yourself. So, you've got to be willing to be vulnerable. You also have to make sure any negative perceptions that you've held on to due to past experiences, you've done away with them. So, for example, if you have been saying all men are dogs because you've been hurt by so many men. Well, you can't be out there dating and still screaming all men are dogs. It's not going to work in your favor. You've got to accept that good men exist, that you can receive a great man, that you deserve a great man. So when you have a more positive outlook and way of thinking, and listen, we're going to all have our negative thought moments that happens, but your dominant or more consistent thought pattern is positive, hopeful, and things of that nature. Now we can say you're ready to get back out there.

How important is the language or the inner thoughts, the actual physical words we use in the inner language, the inner dialogue, in terms of attracting or finding the right partner?

It's extremely important. You know, we hear it all the.

Time, words are power.

And the reality is that the words you speak to yourself, the thoughts you have, they will whether knowingly or unknowingly to you, they will dictate your energy. The energy that you give off to people or the way that your spirit comes across to individuals. And so, you can put on a happy face But if your thought is negative, pessimistic, all right. And dwelling in this then your energy will still be negative, all right. What you do on the surface isn't going to be able to hide that which is why you have some people who swear well, I'm not a bad person. Yeah, but you're not a positive person, all right. You can be good people but no, you are miserable. And it's not even just you're miserable like you're dwelling in it in your life but you give off miserable energy. And so who's going to want to be around that? Who's going to want to commit to that at the most? They might want to have sex with you, but they're not going to want to tie themselves to you in a committed long-term relationship or marriage.

And people can feel that energy.

What?

I don't care if you're a man, woman, or in between, someone you can feel the energy of someone. And if you haven't healed properly yourself, you may be attracted to a wounded individual to then try to find some validation or try to find some connection there. and that's why it's important for you to heal so that you can fully see the energy around you and see who is a potential great match for you. Because if you haven't healed, you're going to keep attracting negativity and repeating certain patterns. Is that correct?

That is absolutely correct. And if you talk to any person who has healed, they can tell you how they feel energy even more now. Where they become more aware. It's so much easier to see past the facades that so many people are putting up. because now healing allows us to get more in tune with our spirit. And by getting more in tune with our spirit, we get more in tune with everyone's spirit. Because technically, we are all connected through the spirit, all right. And so, it's easier to be in touch with that when you get away, get rid of the blockage of trauma, past disappointments and hurts, disappointments, things of that nature.

It's powerful stuff, man. I'm still trying to get to my one of my first questions which is what's the best way to meet someone these days and online dating. But it sounds like that's so far ahead of what to be thinking about first, like have I started to heal? Are there people who have hurt me? Are there people that I need to apologize to? You know, all these different things, it's almost like you got to do the work before you can start doing the work of finding someone. Dr. Justin Pomplun: Absolutely. So I think it's important for us to remind people of this process first before we say, okay, you've done the work, you've started the process of healing, you feel like you can open your heart and be vulnerable to anyone and it's not going to hurt you. and cripple you.

How important is sex in a relationship?

Hugely important.

This is coming from a guy who's abstinent, right?

Yeah, right.

Well, you know what to me I say hugely important from the standpoint of I think people have to look at sex not just from the stand from the perspective of pleasure but from the perspective of bonding. I believe it is an opportunity for two people to grow grow closer together and when two people know how to truly satisfy each other it creates an amazing bond.

Deeper connection, better balance, more attraction, yes, all of it. Keeps it going.

Exactly, because if you have two unsatisfied people sexually, you're going to have a problem. You can't find a relationship where that exists and they're all happy and everything's great. It doesn't work that way. People crave intimacy. People crave that level of bonding with each other. And yes, biologically speaking, we can talk about the needs of a man and a woman and all these things but I think even going deeper spiritually and all that sex is important and we are not taking enough of a mature approach to understanding and learning sex. I think people are very much behind in their understanding of it.

Especially in America it's like we weren't educated Exactly. It's a very like hush-hush type of thing. It's not talked about in schools. Your parents, at least most parents aren't talking about it until it's like the moment and it's like let me say something to just get it out and then let them figure it out.

Well, and not just that a lot of our parents don't know either. Right. Like people just don't take time to get more educated on their bodies, on sex, on true sexual satisfaction. There's a lot of lies going on. I tell people all the time, listen, A lot of women aren't being sexually satisfied, all right. But they're lying to their friends, they're lying to their partners. So, there's a perception that everything is all good. No, it's not. There's a huge disconnect between the reality or the perception of women's sexual satisfaction and the reality of women's sexual satisfaction. And that contributes to a disconnect in marriages. Because again, if the woman is not satisfied she now becomes less willing to be sexually involved with her husband. Now, he starts to gain resentment, he starts to feel neglected.

Starts to wander.

Exactly, snowballs from there. We can't overlook that and act like everything's going to be fine and we can't say well, you should love them enough to where it doesn't matter. Listen, we're talking about maintaining a committed relationship that's a part of it. plain and simple. And we have to learn how to make it better on both sides and how to be more honest with each other. I think if we can learn to be more honest and transparent then we can work on the things that are lacking. But people again, they feel very uncomfortable speaking about sex, speaking about their needs and constructively criticizing their partners. We have to learn how to... Because.

You don't want to hurt someone, yeah.

Exactly.

How often should we be talking about our sexual in an intimate relationship? Should it be like once a month we sit down and like schedule it out? Is it like pillow talk every week? Like what should be, again everyone's different but what do you think is an appropriate amount of time?

Yeah, I think it depends. So what jumps in my head I would say every three months if I had to put a number on it, all right? But I do think it depends on the couple. I think more so it's when an issue arises, talk about it.

The key is we have to create.

Environments where we can have those talks. See again, we're laying the wrong foundations in our relationships to where we can't have these open discussions about sex and other things lacking in our relationship. And we're afraid to push our partners away, we're afraid to ruffle the feathers or rock the boat. But if you can't talk to them...

We resent things, right?

Exactly, and what happens is you hold it in and now the negative energy comes out other ways. And now, they're confused because they're like, why are they giving me this attitude? And they're thinking, like I said earlier, he's thinking it's about the towel. No, it's not about the towel. It's really about something else that you're not telling him. So, we need to be more honest and transparent and we need to create an environment where we can have this talk and you're not going to take it personally to where you're going to internalize it or allow it to now throw our relationship off because you're getting upset and you're allowing to have a negative impact. No, take it as okay, that's how you feel, cool let's work on this. How can we make this better? We have to be serious about tending to the needs of our partner if we're going to have successful relationships.

There's so many divorces happening, it's higher than ever, right? I think it's the divorce attorney on who's talking about how it's higher than ever. There's also even more people who stay married who probably shouldn't be who aren't happy. And so it sounds like there's a very small percentage of married people who've been together for many years who are actually still thriving in relationship. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there's more, but it sounds like it, right? There's a very small percentage that are having these incredible long-lasting marriages and relationships that have the attraction and connection and balance and all these things. why do you think that is and how can we decrease the number of failed relationships or is that the wrong question to ask?

No, I think it's a good question. I think one we have to understand marriage is not the issue it's marrying the wrong person and marrying for the wrong reasons, all right. And then underlie to those things are the lack of healing because it's the lack of healing that leads us into these wrong relationships and allows us to entertain situations we should not entertain. Because again, for example, if you're a guy or a woman, if you've been through some things and now you think you don't deserve that great person, that great relationship because your perception of yourself is low. Now, you're going to just latch on to whoever comes around who says I want to be with you and willing to give you what you want at that moment. And you're thinking okay, this is safe, this will work. Let me go ahead and go with it. but you're never truly into them like that it's never going to be the relationship it needs to be, all right. But that all stemmed from your lack of self-worth because you didn't heal from.

Whatever traumatized you emotionally before. So, how do we heal first?

What's that process look like? So, it's a long process and I do plan on... I have a book I'm working on right now called Finding Love After Heartbreak and it's going to lay out the entire process. But so, I'll give a little bit right now and I'll save the rest for later. So, one thing is first we got to get the hurt out. And so, I have this exercise I do at all my events called the who Hurt Me List? And so, you get a piece of paper it could be like a hundred people like oh, motherfucker, ask yourself the question who hurt me? And now, every person who comes to mind write them on that paper. Doesn't matter if you think you move past it, doesn't matter if you think it's small and insignificant. If they came to mind when you asked yourself that question put them on the list.

Anyone in your life, anyone in your life.

From a child, a friend, to your.

Parents, to a lover. Anyone, anyone, anything if they come to mind put them on that list. Because that's how we start to recognize the pain points in your life. Now, we see okay, this is where it's coming from. A lot of people have suppressed what has happened to them. And so, you can't address and resolve something that you're not willing to accept existing in your life. And the reality is that just because it was 10 years ago, 20 years ago it's still lingering within you and it's causing a lot of problems and it causes a lot of emotional stress which then turns into physical ailments and.

It just snowballs tension, anxiety, fear, all of these things.

Yes, depression, yeah, all right. A lot of these things that we go through in mental health stems from things that we have not resolved from our past, all right. And it's just all contributing to the issues that we're experiencing in the now and some of us we may not be experiencing the issues right now but we will it's coming. It's just festering in you and it's going to come out at some point.

Yeah, so write a list and think about those moments and reflect on them.

Or what's... Well, no. So, at that point once you get the list now we can see the first person and I won't go too much further but let's just say you're going to have to go through a process of getting things off your chest. We have not released these things from our spirit, from our system. and we need to essentially emotionally detox. And to do that you've got to get it out. So, whether you speaking to a recorder, write a letter something and like I.

Said, scream into a pillow or anything, right?

Yeah, but I do want like a full release. Again, we don't fully release.

Would you release each person or just everyone at one time?

So, I would say this you want to start with let's say your top three. Now, I've had clients where they did their top three and that kind of once they got through those, they were able to process everyone differently to where it wasn't necessary to do everyone else, all right. Now, if you have 10 significant experiences and 10 significant different people that need to be addressed, yes, you may have to release with 10 different people. So, it depends on the person and that's why something like this requires a more in-depth process. We got to talk about things, we got to understand what about it did internalize how you're seeing it because some of it is changing your mindset, changing your perception of what happened, understanding that it wasn't about you. Like we said earlier, hurt people hurt people. And so, once you understand that and understand how they behave and why they behave the way they do, it changes how you look at things and how you internalize those situations. So, there's so much more we got to get into but just getting at least that list started. Yes, because now you at least get to see, okay, here's where it is. Here's what needs to be addressed. Now, let me get help to address these things and start the process of healing so that I'm not ending up in more bad situations or bad relationships.

Repeating the process. Let's say you've dealt with the hurt and it takes you know, it takes the time that it takes you and you've gone through all that. How do you manifest and attract a partner that you want to be with that has those three the three keys, the connection, the attraction and the balance that you feel like is the one, could be one of the ones. How do you set yourself up to attract that incredible partner?

So one, you got to be yourself. So finding yourself is number one, all right? You can't connect with someone if they're connecting with the fake you, all right? That's a false connection. So you have to discover who you are, become confident in that, stand strong in it. Now, who is drawn to that person, you know it's real, all right. And so, that's where we begin. Two, you need to exude positive energy, all right. To me and this is... I think this is very important for women, all right. Because the reality is that it's men or the type of men that a lot of women want aren't going to be drawn to a negative woman.

No.

There's millions of good women but that doesn't mean they're positive women, all right. And it's that lack of positive energy that holds them back more than they realize.

Yes.

And just like even just saying negative things throughout the day. It might be a good person but they're always complaining or negative.

Exactly and not even just what they say again, it's how they're coming off.

Because they have low energy, they're body language.

Yes, it's like... So, look at it like this. I tell people all the time it's not what you say it's how you make them feel, all right. So, you can say all the wonderful things you want but if in your presence they don't feel at ease, they don't feel peace, they don't feel that.

Positivity that's still going to throw everything off.

If you say nice things but you have a frown. Exactly, what's the point? Exactly, and what a lot of women aren't realizing is that their energy is off because they have walls up. they're so scared, they're so fixated on protecting themselves.

Because they've been hurt in the past.

Exactly, haven't healed from those things. But I tell people all the time the same walls you've up to protect you are the same walls blocking your blessings, all right. So, you don't realize you're restricting your ability to love and be loved because you're walking in fear, all right. You can't walk in fear and expect all these wonderful things to happen. It doesn't work that way. even in business. The ones who succeed are the ones who put the fear aside and say, I'm going to have faith and push forward no matter what. No matter how it looks in front of me, no matter how many people tell me you're doing the wrong thing, get a regular job, whatever. No, you believe what you need to do and you push forward past that fear. It's the same thing with relationships. You have to push forward in faith, not fear, if you want to receive that great relationship. And so, yes, this can happen with men as well. I don't want men thinking they can carry around a bunch of negative energy and they're going to get a great relationship. But I do think it shoots women in the foot more because here's the other thing that people don't talk about a lot and some people may not like this but I'm just going to keep it real. Yeah, for sure. It pulls women away from their feminine energy. And they're not positive. When they're not positive and when they're holding on to these fears and have these walls up and it's the feminine energy that makes the women so powerful. That is what... That's the tool that is at her disposal that can make the world her oyster, all right. But women have become very detached from their femininity and the thing is this, if you... A lot of women will say they're not feminine, they're just not that way. I dispute that in most situations. No, you become detached from it, you become uncomfortable with it due to again, a lack of healing and due to experiences in your life. Now, if you are more masculine so to speak. And you are happy that way that by all means continue to live your life as you are. But if you're not seeing things work for the way that you want them to and you're in that energy, that more masculine energy or more further away from your feminine, then consider making a switch. Consider at least trying it. See the difference and what I found with a lot of women is that not only is it beneficial to them as far as relationships wise, it's beneficial in the quality of their life. For their health, their health, their peace, their work, you name it. I have a client she's a doctor at a big hospital and when she came to me she was frustrated with relationships, ready to give up on men, nobody liked her at work, she was just a hard tough manager. So, we worked on her energy, we worked on healing, we got her energy, we got her to embrace more feminine energy. she will swear by it right now. In one month her whole hospital starts to love her. Now, they're all helpful whether they were women or men men started coming out the woodworks, all right.

Let me get your number, girl. Let me get at you girl.

Yeah, she ended up meeting her soon to be fiancé on the airplane two months after we started doing the coaching.

So, what were the shifts that she made every single day? What was the things that she said? Okay, I'm going to not be this way.

I'm going to start trying this. It was one being more conscious of your energy. I think number one, we have to be mindful of the energy we're giving off. We become so distracted by our issues that we're facing in the world, by our responsibilities. We're not always in tune with what we're giving off. So, to give an example and this is just a small one. Even for me as a man, I work out a lot. When I come out the gym, I started to notice I'm very tense. my face is you know, hard, exactly. So, I've learned to when I walk out the gym take a deep breath, relax the body, relax the muscles and the energy completely changes, all right. Because yes, you can become very intimidating as a man just like you can become very intimidating as a woman. And so, you have to be mindful of are you making yourself more approachable? Are you allowing people to feel more comfortable being around you? And so, that starts with being mindful of it, being conscious of it. And one great way to do that is get an accountability partner, all right. Tell someone who has the ability to be positive because you don't want to pick a negative person to be your accountability partner.

It's going to throw everything off.

But you pick a positive person and you say, hey, listen, whenever I'm being negative, whenever I'm giving that bad energy, let me know. Because now when they tell you, you won't always realize when you're doing it, at least not at first. But once they start calling you out. Now you become more mindful of it. Now you can take hold of it and control it. And now you master what energy you're giving off at certain times. And that changes everything.

You know, they got tons of social media apps now. We got people just swiping left and right on Tik Tok and Tinder and bumbles and whatever, whoever else knows is out there. I feel like if I was a single man right now, it would just be chaos because it would just be. Option overload, nothing's ever good enough, comparison overload. Like where do we meet someone these days who is a quality human being that could be a potential great partner for us?

So I definitely think people need to get rid of the negative stigma they have of online dating. I think again, it's a tool to meet people more conveniently and in times like this, it's probably the best tool, let's be real. I mean, even if you try to go out, Certain cities are limited. You're not going to see as much people out anymore. So if you thought it was hard to meet people going out before, well, it just got harder. So being open to online dating, I think would be the best bet. I think what people have to realize is, so I've gone on some of these sites to do research and see what's going on. And I can tell you that people's online profiles are pure trash. Like the majority of people have no damn clue what they're doing with these online dating profiles. and I believe it's because many have this one foot in one foot out approach. It's like, I'm gonna just try this because there's nothing else going on, but I'm not actually committed to the process of making this work and how it's like a performance.

They're just bored. This is like entertainment. They're craving connection and intimacy, but they don't want to fully commit.

And they don't fully buy into the fact that it can work. Like I have clients who have gotten married from online dating. So it can work. Now, does it guarantee you a husband or wife?

No.

But does it pretty much guarantee you can meet people and have some options to decide if you want to move forward? Yes. But again, you've got to be smart about how you invest in the process and how you set up your profile and things of that nature to help you become more successful.

What are the do's and don'ts of of online dating. And I'm going to make a general assumption here, correct me if I'm wrong, that men in general go on online dating sites to find people to hook up with in general, and women go on to more find a great potential partner. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that's the general mindset.

Is that right?

I think that's a general mindset. I do think it varies depending on the site. Like, I believe a site that makes men pay has a higher chance of serious relationship minded men being on there because the guy who just wants to hook up is less likely to want to spend any money if he can go to a free site and it's just, you know, a free fall on there. So I do think that certain sites give a better opportunity for serious relationships. But as far as do's and don'ts, one don't, I'm gonna start with a don't. is don't make it all about what you want. Meaning, people don't go on online dating and present their value. And so, why would I choose you out of all these people online when I don't know what you bring to the table, what value you present? It's like listen, in marketing the job is to present value to the consumer to say this is why you should buy my product. We dress it up properly, we pick the right colors, the right wording. It's all about hitting your target market and appealing to them. And I feel like people don't do that. They go online, they make it well, I'm looking for this. I don't want this boom, boom, boom, boom. All right, but I don't see any value here. So, why would I reach out to you? So, I think that's a big don't. Don't make it all about you make it about what you bring to the table and what value you Make yourself.

Desirable so you start attracting options as opposed to saying, well, yeah, I'm only looking for this guy and you have to be smart and rich and this, it's like, Exactly. You're already too much to handle right now.

Yes, yes.

Okay, so that's number one, build something, create desire for someone to be attracted to you. What else?

Number two, have enough pictures on your profile. So many people jump on again, because.

It'S one foot in, one foot out.

They put one picture up. Now listen, we live in a time where catfishing is popular and nobody wants to be catfished. If you only have one picture up, you become a very skeptical or you make people very skeptical of your profile, all right? And so you got to show people the full you. So not only have one picture, but I always say have at least one full body picture. Let people know what they're getting into because the last thing you want is to have these beautiful head shots, all right. And someone choose you based off of that, then you meet in person and the rest of you doesn't look like the way they wanted you to look. And now you have a wasted date, wasted time, you get discouraged, let's stop doing that to ourselves and to each other. Let's show the full version of who we are. Someone either likes it or they don't. All right, so I think three to four pictures in your profile.

That's interesting. And would someone ever change their mind based on personality only of like, oh, well, there, maybe it wasn't the way I wanted them to look, but they're such a nice person and I have this personality that I'm going to give it another date. Or are you saying like, allow people to see the full picture of who you are, at least to a certain level, obviously you're not going to share your whole life story and open up all your flaws right away, you're going to put your best foot forward. But at least see kind of a full picture of your life in five to six photos, I guess.

I think that unfortunately, it depends on how far you've deviated from their perception or the fantasy that they put in their head. So I don't want to sound harsh, but let's just say they looked at your picture and they thought you were an athletic person. They thought you had an athletic frame, all right? Now when they see you, your plus size. that may be too far of a deviation for them to say oh, but the personality is good enough, all right? Now, they may have envisioned athletic but you're like a little bit off from that. Okay, well you know what, she's a great or he's a great person, I can work with this, that's not going to push them too far to the.

Left, you know what I'm saying?

So, it really depends on how far you've deviated and that's why the pictures helps eliminate that issue. We don't need the guessing game, we don't need people feeling some kind of way once they finally see you. Don't use old pictures from 10 years ago if they don't represent how you currently look. You want to show your true self now and let them decide if they want to step into this or not.

Is there another do or don't?

Do not come off negative in your profile. So, it kind of goes back to the whole saying what you want or making it all about you. Many people and I have to say this happens a lot with women They come off like well, if you're this don't reach out to me or I don't want this. The tone is very negative, all right? Like I'm not here to play games. Okay, cool. That's not going to get you anywhere. That just makes you come off as difficult, all right? So, you want to come off with a more positive inviting tone. You want to be very mindful of your delivery in your bio, in your message or your headline or whatever. All that negative stuff especially for women is not going to get you far if you're looking for a serious relationship. Again, men will bypass the negative energy if they just want sex and you look good to them. But they're not going to bypass that to make you their woman and to commit to you or marry you.

Right, that's powerful for women to know for sure. And do you think women can make the first move? and it could work out long term.

Absolutely. And I honestly think when it comes to online dating, they should. My logic is this, as a woman, you jump on online dating, let's say you're an attractive woman, you put up your profile and now in a couple of days, it's a sea of garbage that comes your way, all right? And you got to fish through the sea of garbage to find your diamond in the rough and through that process, it can be very exhausting. You can find yourself feeling like this is pointless and now you get off the platform. However, you should go and find the men you want to put yourself in front of, all right. Making it easier for you to get candidates you actually would like. And for women, we don't require much. You can just say hello, all right.

My smiley face or whatever.

You can send a blank damn message, all right. All right, if we are attracted to you and we find interest, we will respond. Did you mean to say that to me? Like, we're going to look into it. So, to me, it would be best and most beneficial for women to just send out again, just simple messages to the men that actually catch their interest.

Right.

And then see if they're interested in return.

Yeah, exactly.

My friend, Matthew Hussey, I think he calls this in person like the handkerchief technique. where he's like, listen, women, you know, look them in the eyes from across the restaurant or at the grocery store, like look a man in his eyes or connect with him in a flirtatious way, a little bit subtle little way or, you know, back in the olden days, they would drop a handkerchief as they walked by a man to see if they would pick it up and bring it to them. So it's like allow a man to be interested in connecting with you because it takes a lot of courage, even if you're online. to put yourself out there to someone you're attracted to. It's easier to obviously just message someone online and not be rejected and feel so sad than it is in person. But it's still, you've got to put some energy out there for the guys that you're interested in for sure and see which ones are like, you're going to take a nibble, you know?

Exactly.

Come on the hook.

So, that's it.

I love that, man. What's the best opening line? For a man or woman in online dating to reach out to someone to pique interest and see if it's a potential for something.

Okay.

For men, what you want to do is you want your opening line to reference something she's written in her profile, which shows you actually took time to read her profile.

You care. Yeah, you research.

Exactly.

And it automatically separates yourself because Let's face it, a woman on there might be getting tons of hellos, you look amazing, you look great, blah, blah, blah. She's heard that a million times, but let's just say she just got her degree in, I don't know, in IT, all right? And now you say, oh, you know, hey, what do you like about IT? I don't know, you just make some kind of reference to it. It just shows that you took more time to actually learn. You come across much more genuine, and the message is immediately different from the typical man who reaches out to her. So, I think that's the best approach for men to take. And it also allows for a natural conversation to flow. Because you know, when you started with the whole hello, where are you from? It's like, exactly. But when you have a pick a topic using her profile to start it off, you got something that you can get rolling from there and then you can get into all the other stuff.

And people always appreciate someone who takes the time to research, people always appreciate different approach, a different angle, like a uniqueness to something about you. But if you're always the same as everyone else, it's like, hey there, cutie or whatever it is, you're going to get the same type of results. But when you are a little different, they're gonna say, huh, something's different about that person. Let me keep talking.

Absolutely.

Absolutely. And for women, for women, you know, I really just feel like saying hello is all they need. They don't have to say much because let's be real, like, The man is either going to be interested in you because he likes what he sees and he likes your profile. Like a special line for a woman doesn't really separate them so to speak. She could try to be funny and humorous, she could try to do the same thing that I said to men. But I think at the end of the day it really boils down to okay, if he likes what he sees and he likes what's on the profile, a simple hello, an emoji, whatever is.

Going to do the trick. Because the man's either going to respond and dive in or he's going to say, Okay, high and that's it and not get back quickly or whatever it is. You're going to know quickly within 24 hours if a guy is interested in you as well or not.

I always say there are some men who are still very shy and socially awkward even when it comes to online dating. And so, there may be a struggle with how they communicate. But I do think that at the very least, they're going to respond, all right? They're going to respond and from there a conversation can be had. And I do think within the first few responses, we're going to get an idea of, okay, this guy does have some kind of interest.

When someone feels like they found the one, and I've heard this a lot, like, I know this is the one, or I thought they were the one and then it didn't end up working out. And they want to get married. They've decided marriage is for them. They want to be life partners. What are a few of the conversations that they should have to not know for certain but know for better certain that this is the right decision? This partnership is the right decision to move forward in a long-term committed relationship.

Okay.

As opposed to just maybe the infatuation behind it or the initial connection or the attraction. What are a few questions they should be asking each other that maybe they haven't asked yet to know whether or not they're setting themselves up for that successful long-term relationship.

Okay, number one, how do you envision your role in a marriage, all right? People don't go in finding out what the expectations are before they get married. They have this assumption that we're just going to transition from how we are in a relationship to being that way in the marriage. No, no, no, no, no. Because a lot of times things change. And the level of expectation raises now in marriage. You also have some people who may think for example, you may have a man out there who thinks okay, my job is to court you when we're boyfriend and girlfriend.

And when we're married.

When we're married, I don't got to do all that work anymore. Now, I'm your husband, I've given you the ring, satisfy me, make me happy. You got to find that out because you're setting yourself up for failure if you don't realize he thinks he gets to take time off Now that he's married you or he may think as long as I'm paying these bills don't ask me for anything else. You got to find out so we.

Need to ask what do you... She should be asking that.

Yeah, both of them should be asking how do you perceive your role in marriage? What are your expectations from me in marriage? Let's find out what we need, what we're expecting from each other. Number two, making sure our values are aligned, all right. So, whether that be spiritual, whether that be even financial values, whatever those things are, let's make sure we're on the same page about it. And if we're not on the same page, are these things we can balance out and work out, all right. So, for example, if let's look at it from a financial perspective. If I'm a very frugal man.

Yes.

And this woman is a spender.

I have friends in this situation and it's not good.

And I'm sure they didn't talk about it in advance. You want to talk about these things and say okay, how do we view this? What are your expectations as a spender? Are you someone who thinks well, I got to be able to spend some free money every month?

I go shopping every month.

What is it? Let's come to an agreement beforehand that we're both comfortable with but let's understand what we're walking into here, all right. Again, we don't talk about these things we just assume oh, because she's not asking for money now she won't ask for money later. That's not necessarily true. Let's find out what are we expecting? Do our values align in marriage? I definitely think number three sexual expectations. I think that needs to be discussed and understood. And again, it's all about compromise if a compromise can be found. So, it's not saying okay, well, I expected four times a week. You know, he or she says two times a week and now we're just going at it, No, well, then maybe we go with three times a week. But we make sure the compromise is something that we can both be happy with. When you compromise on something that you're not going to be happy about, you're not compromising, you're sacrificing. And those sacrifices can be good in some instances, not when it's very important to you or it's going to be important enough that it would cause you to wander if you're not getting it. Never sacrifice something that's going to make you want to look at someone else in your marriage, all right. So, if you need three times a week to be happy and satisfied, Make that very clear don't agree to two and then... And now, wander, yeah. Exactly, and now you're entertaining other people because you never set that expectation. Another expectation as we talked about earlier with attraction is how we keep ourselves up physically. I do think that... What if I.

Just gained 60 pounds in seven years and is that okay since we're married now?

Listen, people need to be honest. So, like I tell some men if you can say you know what If my wife gained 60 pounds, I don't care, I'm cool with it and you're going to love her with the same energy and desire that you did 60 other pounds ago, great. But if you can't maintain that desire, that passion, 60 pounds later, you need to make that known now. You can't be afraid and say, well, that sounds too shallow. So, would we rather be shallow now or have a disastrous relationship later? have you cheating on your partner because you weren't willing to be honest in the beginning, all right. Same and women too because an epidemic that's happening is women are less honest about their attraction needs so to speak, all right.

Really?

So, whenever we talk about attraction let yourself go I think people automatically think of the woman letting themselves go. But a lot of men have let themselves go and have fallen far from what he looked like when they first got married. But she's not always being as honest and straightforward about that. One reason may be because she doesn't want the pressure on her. So, that's one issue right there or she may be afraid of his ego and think it's too fragile. Exactly, and doesn't want to say anything. But again, if you can't maintain the same passion and desire with that fall off, you've got to be honest about that. So, he understands because what happens is this. So, let's just use this example he lets himself go, he lets himself go the sex falls off, all right. And the sex is falling off because she's not as attracted to him anymore. But she's not being honest about it. Now, when she does say anything about whether it's his weight or whatever the.

Case may be, he's going to think.

You'Re just making excuses, you're just trying to give a reason not to have sex rather than embracing it as this is the reality of what's holding us back. However, if we had this conversation from the jump and you were honest about it then I always knew this will be an issue. Now, when you bring it back up it's going to be like yeah, you did tell me. Wow, yeah. It just happened. So, now it's going to be easier for me to embrace that and actually do something about it.

And have the recognition and awareness about it because you'd already talked about it.

Exactly.

Now, you do a lot of these events and workshops for hundreds of women at a time. Are women opening up in these experiences when you're connecting with them and saying, yes, I do lose the attraction, like appearances are important to me, or is it not as important? And from the events that you've done with the women you've talked to, what is the feedback on appearance and looks?

So I will say this, when it comes to appearance, looks, and sex, Women aren't as vocal and transparent in a group of people. Really? Yes.

But one-on-one with you.

One-on-one, different story. So, same thing like using the sex example if I ask a group of women are you getting orgasms regularly? There's going to be women in there who lie because they don't want to feel inadequate, they don't want to be the woman who doesn't raise their hand and say yes, I'm getting it good. So, they're going to be hesitant or not know how to answer it. But if I ask in private now, I'm going to get the real truth. Yes, and now she's going to be very clear about loss of attraction, lack of sexual satisfaction, and all these things. So, that's why people have to be careful because I think sometimes we're assuming these issues don't really exist because we're not hearing it in that group setting. Don't be fooled some women just they feel more comfortable privately expressing those things. And I've heard it enough times to know this is real.

And again, you just have to even.

If you haven't heard it enough times pay attention. There's a reason why we're seeing people fall off in marriage. There's a reason why we're this disconnect. And even when it comes to infidelity, there's a great focus on men who've cheated but there's a lot of women who've cheated. And it's not always for emotional reasons, it's for sexual ones too. So, again, my thing is not to sit here and say well, it's about who does work. It's about okay, how do we fix this? How do we make this better? And we have to accept that yes, there are contributing factors to why we see failed marriages, why we see infidelity, why we see connects in our relationships, let's address the underlying issues and be honest about it so we can get this on the right track.

Wow. Are there any relationships that you're aware of that have open relationships that are successful? Or do you think it's very hard to do? Because more and more with the Burning Man scene and all these people exploring these things, what's your thoughts on, you know, open relationships or being together but also having multiple partners.

So, I'm going to be honest. I'm very skeptical of open relationships. Now, I don't want to sit here and say it's impossible for it to be successful because I haven't met everybody and I haven't studied it enough. But I have studied it to a certain extent. And from what I have found is, again, a lot of open relationships stem from one, the perception that one person can't fulfill me. And since one person can't fulfill me why not have more than one, all right. And to me find the person who's experienced that deep and genuine connection they don't have that perception. Because they had a moment in their life where they met someone that they thought this could be it. I could put my all into this and I would be happy with this one person. If you haven't experienced that connection of course, there's a natural progression to thinking, well, maybe it's not going to work with just one. Can I entertain multiple if I can even handle multiple? The other thing is I do think it also stems from a lack of successful monogamy. And when I say a lack of successful monogamy, I don't necessarily mean that they weren't able to maintain monogamy. It's like, okay, if I get in this monogamous relationship and now I get cheated on or I've had multiple relations where I've been cheated on, I may.

Start to think, what's the point?

Of trying to be monogamous.

Right, it's not going to work anyways.

Exactly, why not just get an open relationship which one allows me to not be so vulnerable to one person. I now have more emotional control and what you'll find a lot of situations is there's still somebody running that show. And what I mean by that is...

One of the people are running the show.

Exactly, and they're running it in a way that it's protecting them, all right. So, I met a woman one time she was into polyamory And she said well, her ideal polyamorous relationship was a man and a woman but they're not allowed to have other people, all right. So, it's like you're trying to control this environment for your sake, all right. For your protection so, that means there's something deeper going on here. So, to me I just tell people when it comes to open relationships, if you really believe that's your thing fine. I'm not here to tell people that they can't live their life that way. but I just want you to make sure you've healed from everything first. If you heal from everything and you still feel like this is for you, do your thing.

Do your thing.

But you might be surprised what's going to happen when you uncover it and address some of these past traumas and issues. You may not be so so inclined to want to be in this open relationship anymore. And again, I would still argue that if you meet that person you had that amazing connection with it changes the game. And it can completely throw you for a loop because I've seen people who were once into over relationships and completely shifted to monogamy because they met that person it was like I never thought this could happen but it's here and I want it I'm going for it.

Wow, that's powerful insight. What about in a relationship that's you've been together for a long time we've been married together for a long time and it just feels like it's not working. And you're talking about divorce and both of you aren't happy. You've got the kids, you've got the home, you've got the lives together. And both of you aren't happy. And you've like addressed this and talked about it. You've tried different things that haven't worked maybe. Is there a way to rekindle those three things? And find that connection again. Maybe you've lost that attraction and that balance. Is that even possible in these times? Or is divorce the only way to then go find true happiness or connection somewhere else?

If a true connection ever existed in that relationship, then it can be fixed. But that's the key. Did it ever really exist? And we've got to examine that because again, Yeah. Many people have been living off the fantasy of their perception of things, what they wanted to believe it was and wanted to hold on to this feeling of being in love but in reality, they were involved in an unhealthy attachment to this individual. So, we have to go deeper and find out is that there? So, if the connection was there, yes, we can work on everything else, we can get things on track it's going to cause it's going to create a lot of deeper emotional Discovery, so to speak as far as finding out okay, why is there disconnect now? How do we fall off of track? How can we now correct these specific things because there's very specific things that need to change? Are we both willing to put in that work, all right. And if both sides are willing to do that then it absolutely can work. Now, if there was no connection you had a divorce.

Get a divorce?

Get a divorce sooner or later. I'm a man of God and I would love for everyone to be able to stay married, right? But I know...

Even when people have been convinced that you get married, you stay married forever. Even if it's a religious thing or you feel like the pressure of society.

Like here's why despite those things you don't stay married. Especially when you have kids. So, so many people stay married because of the kids, right? But if you can't create a positive environment at home you are damaging the kids worse than you would in divorce. Divorce isn't in my opinion, the greatest struggle for the child. It's lacking the understanding of what just happened here. So, if you've been feeding your kids all these years that mommy and daddy love each other and everything's all good despite our divorce. And why are we getting divorced? Exactly, so now one day you wake up we're getting divorced the child is confused. And the thing is we're not honest with the kids about why this happened, what went wrong. We're not saying yeah, you know what, we knew a time ago we weren't best for each other. We're not giving them the honest truth for them to learn and not make the same mistakes repeating pattern. Exactly, what the child now thinks is you can't trust love, you can't trust marriage because you can love each other and one day now it's over. And now they become dysfunctional or they now have dysfunctional relationships because of their skewed perception of things because they lack clarity and understanding what just happened here. But going back to divorce versus staying together. Again, what a child needs more than anything is a positive loving environment. If you can achieve that together great, if you can't you are better off apart. Because when you speak to adults now, adults who are struggling today grew up in dysfunctional households.

And it didn't matter if it was.

A one parent or two parent household.

Yeah, I felt it man.

Exactly, dysfunction is dysfunction. And we pick up on these things no one is that great of an actor that they're hiding it from their child. The child sees the problem.

Feels it, feels it, feels it.

Exactly, and then you don't even realize you neglect the child in certain ways because you're dwelling in your own issues, your own struggle. There are women right now who have mommy issues or they have what I call I don't want to be my mother syndrome. Where they saw their mother allow herself to be treated poorly, abused, suffered through a horrible marriage, and the woman is like, I don't want to ever be that. And now, because she's holding on to that, she either becomes her mother or creates other issues not trying to be her, all right. So, it still creates a negative cycle of dysfunctional relationships all stemming from we stayed longer than we should have, we try to hold on to something that we can't work. My thing is this even for those who are spiritual, if We're not supposed to get divorced because of God. Well, God didn't say act a fool in the marriage at the same time. Like, what's the point of that? Exactly, how are you glorifying God or your spiritual beliefs by staying in a negative marriage for the sake of staying? You're defeating the purpose. The purpose is to have a healthy, happy union, to raise healthy, happy children. If we can't achieve that together, It's time to go. I mean, I wish it could be different but that's just the reality of the world we live in because too many of us have made the wrong decision in who we married. And we have to accept that. I rather you accept that now, go through your healing process and both of you can find your happiness and learn how to coexist as co-parents. And again, creating a positive environment in that co-parenting relationship because I don't want you to be co-parents and still be dysfunctional. Exactly, again, defeating the purpose, all right. I want you to get away from each other so you can find happiness not be more negative.

Yeah, heal, move forward.

Yeah, exactly be happy. Be happy for them if they found someone else. I know that's tough for a lot of people. But be happy if they're at peace, you find your peace. Let the children see happy healthy relationships not just with other people within yourself. Stop showing them a miserable father or mother. They see it and they hold on to resentment. I can't tell you how many... I won't say every but I want to say 90% of clients that I've seen and I would argue that if you spoke to any therapist or coach out there, the majority of people have issues stemming from their parents growing up in that household.

Yeah, or their environment.

Exactly.

Their parents or their environments, yeah.

Exactly, and it's just all because of dysfunctional relationship. Relationships is the backbone of society. When we allow that to be as dysfunctional as it is right now, that's the reason why we have all these problems. We fix that, man, this world becomes a hundred times better place to live. Easily.

More loving, more peaceful, more enjoyable.

Happy people all around doing horrible negative things, all right?

Exactly. When should people, you know, when do they know that, okay, we just need to work on things in our marriage or relationship. Like not every marriage is going to be perfect all the time and happy. Like there's going to be some dysfunction or challenges or issues that arise. Hopefully you've addressed all those things. But let's say you've set expectations early, you both understand these things before you got married. Like you communicated everything and you're aligned to a certain vision for your marriage. Five years goes down the line and it seems like things are getting worse and worse. Maybe expectations change, maybe values change, who knows what it is. When do you know like, okay, it's getting too far or we should stay in this relationship? When should we get divorced or should we keep trying?

To me, the first sign that we have problems is that when whatever is going on in our marriage is affecting me in a way that I can't be the best husband no wife, I need to be, we got a problem. That's step number one. I think what's happened is we've normalized this function too much. We've normalized this idea that we're going to all have problems. Yeah, but we all have problems because.

We don't learn how to work through them.

Interesting. Because we have dysfunction in individual dysfunction that we have not processed and resolved. That's the reason why dysfunction is so common. It's not healthy though. Like, I've heard some people say, well, arguing is healthy in a relationship. No, it's not.

No.

No, disagreement is acceptable.

But when arguing at each other is not good. Exactly. I just watched the Will Smith and Jada, the Red Table Talk of Will Smith opening up about their marriage. I don't know if you watched this yet. I haven't watched it. I just watched it last night. It's actually really powerful what he said. Jada, I guess, when they first started dating or whatever, at one point she raised her voice at him and like, swore at him or did something where she made him look foolish in front of other people. And he took her into the other room and said, Can I speak with you for a minute privately? Took her into the other room and said, I can't be with someone who's going to raise their voice, yell at me, or swear at me. It just doesn't work for me. And it's gonna put me into a shell, like, I'm not gonna be the best version of myself. And if that's you, then I love you, but we can't be together anymore. But I need us to be able to have complete peace. If we don't agree on something, then we have to set ground rules where we step away, we take care of our anger on our own, not in front of the other person, then we come back and communicate from a peaceful, loving place about what we're upset with or frustrated with. And so we never put that on the other person. When I heard that, I was like, wow, that's so powerful because most of us Most people it seems like in relationships will allow themselves to yell once and swear once and then it's just like once you've said you son of a b once it's like you can say whenever you want and then that respect is gone that you know that love is gone or it seems to.

Be gone and the other problem is we expect our partners to be to be our emotional punching bags. We think well because you love us you should deal with our crazy moment, our dysfunction, our disrespect, all these things because okay, but we show you love in other moments so, don't blame me for this one. No, like focus on giving your partner the best of you, not the worst of you. Yes, they should help you through your struggle. But struggle is not an excuse to blatantly disrespect, stress out, throw negativity at your partner. Yeah, you know, you can't do that. So, I think We have to all hold ourselves accountable to a higher standard of how we behave in our relationships. And yes, stop giving this excuse that we're all going to have our dysfunction. No, listen, it can happen granted but we should be focused on as Will laid out for Jada in that talk. We have to discuss things peacefully.

Yes.

We have to come to the table calmly, maturely and see how we can resolve it and not just lash out. That's not healthy.

Because screaming is not not communicating.

No.

It's not creating a connection. There's not an attraction there. There's no balance. Exactly.

You don't have those three things.

It destroys all of it. And, you know, whenever I have gotten in arguments in the past in. In my relationships, all I want to do is go be alone afterwards. I'm like, I don't want to be around you. I just want to be alone. Like, I need space to, like, heal and recover now, because it's very traumatic, or at least it has been.

For me.

And that's just been my personal experience. And I think that's why it is so important to learn how to communicate in a peaceful way. And sure, you might get frustrated and tension might come up, but you got to create ground rules, I think, for yourself and your partner. What are we going to do when that happens?

Exactly.

Maybe we're just quiet until we can breathe and communicate calmly. But I don't think there's anything good that comes from screaming.

No. Not at all.

I witnessed that with my parents. screaming and escalating and it was just like it never felt good in the house. There was nothing that ever came from that that was good. They always had to like apologize to each other in ways and then it was like passive aggressive for a week and it's just like why can't we just be you know more peaceful about these things?

So I think it's really important.

It doesn't just affect your relationship, it affects the people that are in your relationship, family, friends, it affects those people as well.

Yeah, it even affects your co-workers because literally, you know, I'm a firm believer that people take a lot of their relationship issues into the office and it affects their attitude, their energy, their focus and they don't realize how they're hurting their efficiency and hurting their ability to do so much more and do so much better whether they're an entrepreneur or they work for somebody because their relationship is dysfunctional. And so, like I'm a firm believer in If we can help people who work in corporate or whatever have stronger, better relationships, their careers will thrive, their companies will thrive. It pours into everything. So, we have to create that positivity in our lives so that we can reach our true potential.

I think it affects everything in business. I mean, when you're having a bad relationship intimately, it affects the way you show up in your career for sure. What's one thing you wish men understood more about women in general? And one thing you wish women knew about men in general? All right, every man and everyone's different, you know, everyone's different, but in general, based on all the work you've done and the things you hear over and over again, one thing you wish men knew about women and women knew about men?

This may sound bad, but what's coming to, I always just say what comes to mind, all right? practicing any of these things is learn to look past her words. And what I mean by that is a lot of times again, women don't always fully express themselves. As much as women will say men are horrible communicators, women are actually horrible communicators. And it's because yes, they talk but they're not always clear. And part of it is because women can see past our words, all right. Sometimes, to the point where they over analyze and over rationalize things and it causes them to look at things the wrong way. But they know how to pay attention to all the small details, they understand if our moods are different even if we say we're okay, they're very in tune with that. So, they kind of have that expectation with us. And though I want women to be more clear and transparent I want men to be more aware and be more in tune with your partner. It's not just about her saying I'm okay, look at her, pay attention.

Does she show you she's okay?

Does she really look like there's nothing going on right now? And if you can see past that, I'm not saying badger her because yes, she might not want to be badgered but at least one show a true concern for her feelings and show that you are going to be there for her when she is ready to let you know and have that talk. you want to create a very secure environment with your partner, a very safe environment where she can open up to you, she can be herself. And again, I do believe that starts with look past the words and even in understanding how to keep her satisfied and happy. It's like the woman who says to you, you don't need to buy me anything for my birthday, all right?

Exactly, don't listen to her words.

Exactly, look past that and even if you think she's telling the truth, you know what? what there's nothing wrong with still doing a little special something for her. It just shows that again, you're more in tune with what's really going on with her emotionally and not just what she's speaking. But I do believe that as you do that more often and you show a willingness to hear her out, we have to consider our partner's feelings. I think too many men don't consider their partner's feelings. When you do that, she will become more transparent. When she knows that she can be be open and honest and you're not going to reject how she feels or what she says or call it crazy, she'll be more willing to speak up about it. So, I do think women I mean, men need to be more in tune look past the words. As far as what I wish women would know with men so, it's kind of the flip side of that. He can't read your mind. He can't read your mind and a lot of times men generally just don't know. There's a difference between the man who loves you but does not know how you want to be loved. And the man who doesn't care about what you want and how you want to be loved, all right. Don't confuse the two. Some guys... Some guys not doing the right thing is simply a lack of knowledge and.

Simply... A lack of caring.

Exactly, so it's like I tell women you got to be more specific. If you say I need you to spend more time with me what does that mean? How much time? Exactly. What are we doing together? I have this example where I was counseling this couple and the wife was like, he doesn't spend any time with me. I just want him to watch some TV with me, you know, whatever. So, I said, okay, cool. I'm going to speak to your husband, we're going to get this worked out. So, I spoke to him, he said, all right, deal. I'll do it. I said, let's do it for a week, let's see what happens. So, a week passes, I said, what's the progress report? He says, man, I did everything you told me. I watched TV, with her every single day. I was there, you know, I showed interest. I asked her, I said, what happened? Oh, he didn't do anything. I said, what do you mean? He said he watched TV with you. She said, yeah, he watched TV with me, but he was on one side of the couch and I was on the other side of the couch. So, you see, in his mind, if you asked me to watch TV with you, I did that.

In her mind- you- asked me to cuddle you and caress you.

Exactly. She wanted intimacy. She wanted desire to be shown. she wanted a closeness or non-sexual intimacy is what I call it. And that's what she was really looking for. So, on one end I can go back to the man and say listen, look past the words. If she says I want time with you, it usually means she wants a closeness to you. She wants to feel there with you. So, be mindful of that. But on her end be more clear, be more specific. It's not fair to hold it against him or to claim he doesn't care care when you didn't explain to him what you need. I tell women all the time one of the greatest tests to seeing if a man is serious about you is not seeing what he does on his own or what he already knows. It's seeing how he handles your desires and your feelings. If when you express those things to him he makes the corrections you're good. But you got to be specific, you.

Got to make it clear.

Let's see if he actually does what you ask him to do. Because a man who's very much into you He'll do it. I know plenty of husbands or men who are like, if she would just tell me what she wants, I'd give it to her. But he has no clue what she wants.

So, communicate very clearly.

Yes.

Don't just expect them to read your mind.

Exactly.

So, what's the difference between connection, chemistry, and compatibility?

So, let's start with compatibility. Compatibility are, traits that typically fit together, all right? So, we're identifying, well, okay, she's a go-getter, she likes being outdoors, she's very spiritual, and he likes the same things. So, we're identifying traits that make them compatible. Some people may use the zodiac to determine who is compatible, but again, zodiac is really dependent on the traits that they have defined for that sign. And as long as those things are consistent or they are accurate in those cases, then they can say there's going to be some level of compatibility there. So there's going to be some level of fit there. All right. Chemistry is when two people know how to get along and flow with each other, work with each other. So chemistry doesn't necessarily require compatibility. All right. Because again, think about at work. We can go through team building exercises and build chemistry with our work associates, all right? But we don't have to like them. We don't have to have the same interest as them. Nothing else has to be in alignment, but we can learn how to work together and build and create something and make progress and be successful. So, chemistry is very independent of that, but again, it's more so learning how to work with each other, flow with each other, get along with each other, coexist together so to speak. But again, it's very fluid. It can come, it can go, all right. You can build chemistry, you can destroy chemistry. Connection is again, with connection you will have chemistry. But funny enough, with connection you may not have what people perceive as compatibility. So, you can have two individuals who you would never think are a match for each other but yet they are feeling this amazing connection with each other. Unexplainable, they never would have thought it would be this person but it's there, all right. But again, you will have chemistry within connection. Connection doesn't come or go, it's either there or it's not. You cannot create it, you cannot destroy it, you can run from it, you can try to reject it, you can pile a bunch of trash on top of it, toxic energy, But it's still there and it kind of goes back to we talked about this before where you're the one that put me on the... I forgot how you said it, the red string Chinese.

Yes, yes, the red string. I stuck out an odd.

Exactly. And so, no matter where you go in the world, no matter what you.

Do, you'll feel connection.

Exactly. And that's why people with connection could fall apart tomorrow, meet back up 10 years later and it's like they never stopped talking. the connection is always there. So that's why it's the strongest and most important of those three.

Is it fair to say that you need all three to have the most fulfilling type of relationship? And if you're missing compatibility, there will always be some type of stress?

No, I think you need chemistry and connection. And again, if you have connection, you will have the chemistry. The reason why I say you don't need compatibility is because again, what people perceive as compatible doesn't always align with what actually allows two people to be connected and bond and all these wonderful things. So because of that, I would say compatibility due to society's perception of it is not necessary.

It's the least needed thing.

Yes.

But to have-- so you shouldn't be coming into a relationship saying, wow, we're very compatible people. We like the same things. We come from the same background. We live in the same city. Our families live nearby. This makes sense. We should try this thing because look at how compatible we are. What I'm hearing you say is you should make sure you have this connection that if you were gone for 10 years, you think about them, you dream about them, you always want to come back together. That is more important than having chemistry and compatibility because with connection you will have chemistry. But you may not be compatible.

Exactly. And you're 100% accurate what you just said. Compatibility, and that's where a lot of people go wrong. They choose partners based off of compatibility. They choose partners based off of the logical deduction that this would make sense. This is a great opportunity. You know, we like the same things, blah, blah, blah. But those people find themselves miserable because they get caught up in the hype initially. But again, the connection that they need to really enjoy each other, the glue that keeps them together, the glue that helps them overcome difficult times, that's not there if you don't have connection. You know what I'm saying? And hell, it's tough even when you have connection. So if you don't have it, it's not my fault.

Is connection something you can cultivate if you don't have, or is it something you either have it together or you don't?

You have it or you don't. You can't make it up out of thin air. You can't create it. Plenty of people have tried and failed miserably. It just doesn't work, you know?

And that's why-- yeah, you hear this all the time of like, gosh, he looked amazing on paper. Like, he just had everything on paper. He checked every box. She checked every box, but there was just, I didn't know they were such a good person. They're such a great person. But I just couldn't connect.

Exactly. It just wasn't there. And let me tell you, that's one of the worst positions to be in. to be with this amazing wonderful person that you don't have a connection with because now, how do I justify and validate to myself, my friends, my family who probably love this person?

Love this person. Love them.

And like, yo, I got to tell them no, it's just not there. The majority of people are not able to do that. They suck it up and they try to push things along or they convince themselves I'm tripping. Maybe I'm being too picky, whatever, but then inevitably that marriage or relationship still ends up ending.

So how do you make it work if you have very low compatibility, high connection and chemistry, but you are in complete different industries, you like complete different things. One person likes to be inside, the other person loves to go on long hikes, and you're just like butting heads about every activity and every movie you don't like the other person's movies. Like, isn't that a strain in the relationship as well?

Well, I would argue that when there's a connection, you're not going to butt heads. I feel like so, when people don't have a connection and they're very opposite like that, you're going to have a lot of tension, a lot of butting of heads, all right. When there's a connection, there's a desire to want to share the moment you enjoy with you. There's a desire to, all right, you know what? I may not care for these types of movies but I love seeing you happy and I want to be around you. So I'm going to try to learn to deal with some of these movies. We're much more willing to make sacrifices, be flexible, and find a compromise when there is a connection there. And I feel like when there's a connection, we don't view the differences as a negative thing. We view it as wow, they're introducing me to a different world. They're showing me a different side. So okay, maybe I don't like going out all the time, But now it's good that I have someone who likes to go out because she can pull me or he can pull me out the house more often. But I can also help them slow down a little bit and enjoy peace and being at home. There's a balance that's created that makes it a much more well-rounded relationship. So, I think that it what you'll find a lot of times in connection is that they're not the most again, compatible based on society's perceptions of compatibility. People, they have these differences, but they make this full unit. It's like this yin to the yang type of deal. You know, it doesn't have to be the same.

Is it possible to find someone with extreme connection, extreme chemistry and 80% compatibility where it's like, wow, we like so many of the same things as well. Or are we just more attracted to kind of the opposite attract type of mentality, yin and yang type of balance?

I think it is possible to have a strong level of compatibility. But if I'm honest, I do think there is some kind of balance that occurs within relationships with people who have connection. It's not completely down the line we're just on the same page or like everything the same. I think there is a difference and I think it kind of goes back to the fact that in nature, there's this polarity that has to occur. It's the same reason why masculine is drawn to feminine, feminine drawn to masculine. You don't find a masculine person wanting another masculine person, all right. Now, when it comes to connection or real serious healthy relationships, we desire the opposite energy that balances us out.

So, why is that? Is that just mother nature, human nature? Why is that you think?

And I can't say this is 100% accurate but my belief is that again, we are not created to be equal we're created to balance each other out. we're created to come together and have this full unit. Why do my strengths need to be your strengths? How do we become better? If I am a business and I'm going to acquire another company and merge with them, I'm not going to pick the company that does everything the same thing that I do as good. I'm going to pick the company who has a product or a service that's different than mine or that can enhance mine, and we come together and we're like Voltron and we become stronger together. So in having our differences, we are able to create a stronger whole unit rather than the exact same.

Yeah, I think there was a, I think a couple of years ago, Tyson meat, the meat company, which is a big meat company, chicken and beef and all that stuff. I think they acquired like a couple hundred million dollars worth of beyond meat, which is a vegan option. So it's like they are all meat consumption and they were like, oh, but this is something we don't have. And it's, Dr. Justin: growing in this space, let's get on board and let's balance out in some ways.

Exactly.

So I see that as a, as an interesting approach in relationships and an interesting dynamic. I'm curious about sex on the first date and on the first night. We got this incredible explosion of chemistry, like we've known each other for years. We were just, we, I can't believe we didn't connect sooner. Is sex on the first day of meeting? Something that can turn into a successful long-term relationship? Or have you just seen from your research and your experiences with the people you've coached that that's a recipe for disaster?

It can definitely turn into a long-term relationship, marriage, successful relationship. I just think that we have to be careful with that mindset. So I remember one time, I think it was an article I wrote and somebody commented and they said, ... You know, I've heard of plenty guys and not to make this only about how guys perceive it but they had said I've seen plenty guys not want to move forward for a woman who they had sex with on the first date. I've never seen a guy say I can't make her my wife because she didn't have sex with me on the first date. You know what I'm saying? So, it's like one approach is still safe. It doesn't hurt you. It doesn't hurt you to wait. You're not going to lose anything by being patient before jumping into bed. If anything, you're going to increase your chances of making sure you know what you're getting yourself into, you're confirming there is a connection there, we're on the same page so on and so forth. But if you move too fast and God forbid you're wrong that you perceive this incorrectly, now you have possibly set yourself up for other issues. So, again, can it happen? Yes, especially if two people have a genuine connection I do not believe that sex on the first date will derail them. However, why not take the better, more likely approach for success or to be safe, better to be safe than sorry and just wait. There's no need to rush for it.

Yeah, I like that response where you said, you've never, what was it? You've never met a, yeah, I won't.

Make up my wife because she didn't have sex with me on the first date. But you've heard plenty of guys say, I don't take her serious because she has sex with me on the first date.

Yeah, man. It's interesting because when I met, my girlfriend, Jeanette, we met online and we started talking, you know, just via messaging. And then a few weeks later, it turned into a FaceTime and then it was a FaceTime every day for a few minutes. Then it was FaceTime every day for longer, you know, hours, two hours, three hours. And then we met about a month after we started connecting. I went into the meeting of like, I'm just gonna go and be open to possibilities. Like, who knows what this person's gonna be like in person? I don't know. We've had an amazing connection on the phone where it seems like hours were minutes, that type of whole thing. You lose track of time, you can relate in certain ways with each other, and we're both inspired by one another. And then we literally meet and within minutes we're kissing, you know, meeting the first time, we're kissing. But I also went into it with like, I'm not going to try anything sexual. Like, if nothing happens, I'm okay, you know, of seeing each other for this weekend. I just want to go and connect and I have zero intentions of trying anything further. I went into that mindset. I was like, if I come home from this and we don't kiss, like, okay, it was an experiment. We're magnets to each other. We started kissing within a few minutes. I kiss her and she was kind of thrown back but liked it and it was like she didn't want to stop. And within minutes, I kid you not, within five minutes, she looks at me, she stops, she looks at me and she goes, you,'re mine forever. And I was like, you are a bold woman. I was like, I just got off a plane to see her. And I go, wow, you're pretty forward. And she goes, do you want to go back on the plane? I was like, no, but I've never heard a woman say this within five minutes. Now granted, we were talking for a month on the phone, but I've never heard a woman say this in five minutes. if they would, I'd usually run like crazy and think she was crazy. But she was like, I don't know, I'm sorry. I just feel like my heart, my heart says this and I feel like I just want to say it. And so I really respected her level of courage and vulnerability and honesty as well, where usually girls won't say that type of thing. And I was like, wow, this girl's got a lot of courage and she says what she feels. And it was just like, man, the chemistry was so, the connection was so strong. all weekend and for the last, you know, over a year now. Yeah. That it, it made, it didn't make logical sense. It made emotional sense.

Exactly.

And I think I just kept going with it. I was like, wow, okay, let's see where this goes. We'll take it day by day. But it's just like, it kept growing. And I think you should have some type of feeling of, like, instant connection, because all the women I've dated in the past, I would say I've had instant connection with most of them, like with all of them, but it wasn't this type of connection, like you said in the beginning. It's like this, something was different. I had maybe more like sexual attraction.

Yeah.

Then I was like, you know, we're not connecting and vibing in the same way that I love, but the sexual attraction is great and they got this and this. So it's like I'm justifying.

Yeah.

As opposed to this is what I want and this is what It's like it's not even an option. This is what my heart is telling me I need to do.

Yes.

And I think if your heart is not saying, yeah, like pulling you to something, then it's probably a sign that that may not be the right fit for you right now.

Absolutely.

Now, do men and women approach early sex differently in your opinion? Beyond the first date, beyond the one night, stand type of thing? Do men and women approach it differently in the first months?

Yeah, I believe so. I think it's more likely to find a man who is ready to go.

You know what I'm saying?

And has no issues about when the sex occurs within that first month, all right? Whereas they're going to be a lot more women who are concerned and genuinely are not comfortable yet. You know, the problem also is that just because sex occurs doesn't mean the woman was comfortable, all right. A lot of women allow themselves to get intimate but they weren't truly at peace with making that or allowing that to happen. And so, there's a lot more that goes on on her end regarding sex than it goes on on his end. And I also believe that women are much more in their head about the situation than the man is. The man is analyzing it, they're analyzing.

Oh, if I don't do this he's not going to like me and blah, blah, blah.

Exactly, exactly. Whereas I think the man's just excited, he's enjoying the moment, he's just getting it in. But she's thinking yeah, is this too soon? Am I, is he going to like this? Whatever, you know, whatever. She's just processing so much which adds to her inability to even fully enjoy it a lot of times. But yeah, it's definitely different. We're not wired the same when it comes to sex, we're just not.

And do you think rebound relationships can work? Let's say you're in a relationship for six months, a year, a few years, 10 years, and you stayed in that relationship too long. You stayed in it because it became hard to get out or it was good on paper, whatever the reason is you stated, you had kids, whatever the reason is, and then you get out. And within six months, you find someone and you're married six months later. Is that something that is possible to rebound into the next relationship? and that can be your connection chemistry partner for long term? Or is that something, you know, should people wait two to four years until they fully heal and all this time and energy to get into it? What do you think?

It's absolutely possible. One, we have to understand that healing is less about time and it's more about the specific work you put in. If you go through the process and you do all the steps, then you can achieve healing in months.

All right.

People take years off and still never healed. So, the time itself does nothing for you. With that said, the key is has this new person genuinely surpassed how you felt about anyone else? See, I have a golden rule that you do not get in a new relationship if they have not surpassed whoever you had the strongest feelings for. They've got to pass that bar.

What does that mean? So, does that mean like The connection is so much stronger, the way you view them as higher, they add more value to your life.

Most importantly, it has to be the connection is stronger. That's most importantly. And so, if you don't feel as strong as a connection, as strong as a desire, as strong as a draw to them as you did whatever previous person, then you should not answer in that relationship. Because if you do, you will automatically have a void, a gap. because it's almost like you ate filet mignon and now you go have some spam. There's a huge gap there, all right. You might be able to survive eating the spam, all right, because it satisfies your hunger but you know how much better meat can taste because you had the filet mignon.

Yeah, you're not fully nourished.

Exactly, and you'll never be fully satisfied because you had that better thing. So, it's the same thing with relationships. If you already experienced this higher level of connection to go for anything beneath that you will never be fulfilled and completely happy with it. You might survive for the first couple of years but at some point the smoke's going to clear and you're going to be like man, what am I doing here?

Is this applied to any previous relationships chemistry and connection or the previous one?

I say any, they've got to surpass whoever held the highest position in your heart. Because I strongly believe that the majority of people are not married to the person they have the strongest feelings for.

For?

Really?

Yes. And an even better test is ask yourself this, if you get with this new person and that person that you've had stronger feelings for comes back into your life, will you be okay? A lot of people, if that person came back and was like, I love you, I made some mistakes, I want you back, it's not that they will automatically leave their new relationship but they will be torn and conflicted, it will impact them. When you are really with the right person, that wouldn't phase you anymore. You'd be like, please get out of here. I'm good. I'm doing amazing. I'm with the person I know is the one for me. But when they are the person you have the strongest feelings for when they come back, you're going to be rattled.

So I'm hearing you say that it's not as much the time in between relationships, it's the work, the process of acknowledgement, healing, letting go, where you could meet someone within a couple of weeks, depending on, like, if you were already unwinding in the previous relationship for a year or two, you could find someone and be like, this can't connection is just, you can't get us apart and you could jump right in.

Yes, absolutely.

Can self-love ever be a bad So what's the thing in relationships or too much self love in a relationship?

I don't think self love in its true form can ever be a bad thing. It's just that some people hide their arrogance and being self absorbed with the label of self love.

What's the difference between self love and self absorption?

All right, self absorption is flat out being selfish. Who cares about anyone else feels it's all about you, you, you, you, you, you, you. All right, there's no consideration of other individuals and you have no compromise in self-absorption. Self-absorption is it's my way or the highway. There's nothing else, there's no other way around that. Self-love is simply the act of again, pouring positive energy into you, being patient with yourself, you know, giving yourself what you need. It's a lot of self-care but it doesn't have the inability to be compromising. It doesn't have the inability to consider other people's feelings. You know, it's almost like okay, I'm going to make sure I have what I need to eat. But I can give you some food if you're hurting. You know I'm saying? Well, self-absorbed is forget you, this is all mine, don't come near me, I got nothing for you. You know I'm saying? It's very different. So, to me, self-love because love is pure. Love is a beautiful thing and there's no way real love whether it be of self or of others can ever be bad. But too many people use the label of love to disguise other toxic energies, behaviors and perceptions.

If someone is feeling down and out and they can't get out of a funk and they've followed the process of a lot of bad habits and decisions and thoughts and words and all these things that have kept them down, what are five of the most common self-love practices that you've seen or you've coached with women that you've seen elevate their relationship with themselves, increase their self-worth and get back on track. What are those five key kind of self-love practices?

All right.

So let me just say in advance that some of these might be surprising to some people, but they really make a difference in self-love and getting yourself back on track. So, number one is actually eating right. I remember I went to a counselor when I was back in my college days. And I remember the counselor telling me, listen, whenever you're going through something, the worst thing you could do is start to eat bad.

That ice cream tastes so good, but that makes you feel so bad for the next 24 hours.

Exactly. Because now, if you're already depressed, Okay, for that moment that you're eating it, you may feel a little bit better, but the impact the sugar is going to have on you, that crash you're going to feel, the way it weighs you down, makes you more sluggish, you're only compounding the issue, all right? So it's okay if you have a moment of eating whatever, but your consistent diet needs to be as much healthier because that will give you more energy, it will affect your mood, It affects your hormone levels. These things are important. So being mindful of your eating habits and your overall diet is extremely important when it comes to self-love and breaking out of that funk. That's number one.

I love that one.

Number two is getting some damn sleep. All right.

I was just gonna say that it's gotta be sleep.

That's really what I mean. So many people are sleep deprived and you know how hard it is to be positive and productive when you're tired and cranky?

It's almost impossible.

Exactly. Exactly. So getting a good night's rest, and that's the key. It's not just going to sleep, it's getting quality sleep. So you want to try to turn off electronics like 30 minutes before you go to bed. You want to set an ambiance in your room that makes it more peaceful and easier for you to rest. you really want to clear your mind. You don't want to be stressing while you're sleeping because that happens, all right? You got a million things running through your mind. You never really had peace even in your sleep. So learning how to unwind properly before bed, having a set sleep schedule so you can get consistent hours of sleep days on, days out or whatever, this is going to be very important in helping you with your self-love and improving your overall quality of life. to be honest.

Okay, number three.

Number three is creating boundaries in your life. So, the problem a lot of times when we start to get down and out is that there are no boundaries, whether it be maybe with your kids, friends and family. So, for example, let's say you're the person who's always helping everyone else. Now you're in this funk and you don't have anyone to turn to. But because you've established no boundaries, people keep trying to come to you and pull from you and they don't stop to say, are you okay? because they're used to you having it all together. They think you're always fine. So, all they keep doing is taking, taking, taking. And if you don't set the boundary that says listen, I'm not in a good place right now. I can't help you right now. I love you, you know I'm always there for you but right now I need time for me. You've got to set that boundary. And again, I don't care if it's kids, family, hell, sometimes even your own partner. letting your partner know, hey, you know what? Just give me a day to get myself together. I'm going to... I got to process this. It's nothing about you. Just trust me, let me do what I need to do. Sometimes we need that. So, setting boundaries, being able to say no to people, that's huge in self-love. And again, don't confuse that with what I said earlier about being self-absorbed and selfish. When it's for self-preservation in the sense that you're drained and burnt out, it.

Is necessary at that point.

It's a must. Yeah, exactly. It's nothing selfish about it in that sense. You need it so you can recharge your batteries and then you can come back better than ever and you can help wherever you want to help.

Absolutely. Okay, so these are all these so far these three things are not the typical things that you'd hear women talk about self-love which is get a massage, get your nails done, go have some wine. So I'm hearing some contradictions which are inspiring for me because I think these are the healthy ways to create self-love. What's what's number four and five?

So number four is, I think, creating basically doing things you enjoy. So now this is where we can get into the massages and things of that nature. I do think there is a place for that in self-love and self-care because again, you got to put a smile on your face.

Yeah.

You got to create happiness within you. So whether that's again, going out to the park, going to a festival, whatever. I always suggest again, you want to add structure to your life to where you make sure you're always making this a priority. So, whether it's once a week, maybe once a month, whatever, there has to be I'm going to do something for me, all right? Whatever that is. And I will share this even for myself, I've had the hardest time doing something for me, like buying myself a gift or what do I like? And so like, I now I'm gonna make a budget and there's gonna be money set aside for play money. This is for me, that's it.

Whatever you want to do.

Exactly. Don't worry about investments, don't worry about bills. This is just for me. Burn through it all.

Burn through your money. But it brings you enjoyment, it brings you fun, it brings you play, those things.

And it takes pressure off of you. We're so bombarded by bills, responsibility, I gotta do this, I gotta be wise with this, yo, be free, just create again, and if you don't have the budget for that, create time for it. But you need that time or budget or whatever, where you can just be free and live your life.

I love that.

Put a smile on your face.

I love that. And what would you say is the fifth thing that we can do to increase our self-love?

So for me, it's going to be about prayer and meditation. I feel like we overlook how much we are bombarded by in life. And even something as simple as a morning routine, which would be perfect time to do prayer and meditation, would make a huge difference. Like I've noticed, and I remember even Jim Quick, who you've had on your show before, he mentioned about like, when you wake up, don't jump straight to the phone. Don't go straight to electronics. Take time in the morning to clear your mind, relax. So, this is a great time to meditate, pray, stretch, all right? This can set the tone for the rest of your day. And again, it will help you elevate the energy in your body. It will help you be more positive. It will help you be more calm. It will eliminate all the brain fog you can experience when the minute you jump up, you got to go take care of kids or you got to Run to the computer, you got to run to your phone, stop all that. And if it requires waking up a little bit earlier so you can have 30 minutes of peaceful time, prayer, meditation to yourself in the morning, then do that.

Do that.

Absolutely worth it.

And go to bed a little earlier too, if you need to get more sleep. You know, you want to make sure you get the right amount of sleep.

Don't sacrifice sleep to do that. Just go to bed a little earlier. Exactly. Sacrifice that reality TV show. I know unnecessary conversation, sacrifice, browsing through comment sections on social media that aren't doing you any favors. Let that go. Preserve yourself. Go to sleep, get your rest, pray, meditate, all that good stuff.

I love that, man. Is there a different way to love yourself versus loving your partner or loving others?

No, I think it's all the same because again, the foundational principles of love, being patient, kind, loving, compassionate, all these different things. You need to give that to you just as you need to give that to your partner. Just as I want you to tap into your partner's needs, I want you to tap into your needs. You see, it's all the same. It makes no difference because love is love. It is consistent all the way around. So, there is no difference in my eyes.

When will you know if the relationship is over? Even if you have this incredible connection or chemistry, but for whatever reason you guys are, it's too much arguments, it's too much hurt, it's too much pain. When should you know that it's over?

When one or both parties isn't willing to do the work necessary to fix it. So if we come to the table and discuss the issues and this person wants to be dismissive, deflect and does not want to accept what needs to be done, relationship over. It doesn't mean things can't work out later. But there's no point in pushing through right now if that person is not willing to work with you. That doesn't make any sense or if you're not willing to put in the necessary work. So, if we come to the table and say we need to both go to therapy if we're going to make this work and one or both of us is against it, then why are we still trying to have a relationship? Nothing's going to work here. We're going to drag this along add more damage to the relationship, add more damage to ourselves, and we're still going to inevitably end in disaster. Better to cut the cord now. And if anyone ever has a revelation to where now they realize I'm ready to put in the work, we can have a discussion at that time.

Wow.

What's the greatest skill an individual can develop before getting into relationship? And what's the greatest skill they could develop during a relationship to ensure they have a thriving, happy, healthy relationship.

Effective communication. And I stressed the word effective because people think, well, I talked to them. No, you screamed, you lashed out, you insulted them, you attacked. That's not effective communication. And effective communication is not just expressing yourself is learning how to listen, learning how to process and receive what they're saying, learning how to put yourself in their shoes. Too many times we reject what our partner says because we only want to look at it from our angle. We have to put ourselves in their shoes for a moment and feel what they're feeling.

I got a real question for you.

Okay.

What if their shoes are wrong?

Well, listen, even if their shoes are wrong, we have to understand why they chose those shoes. How did we get here? Why are you seeing it this way? So, sometimes wrong is just a matter of perception, all right. So, for example, and I mentioned this on the last episode we had where there was the guy, he had a girlfriend, they went to his parents house for a weekend and he didn't have any towels laid out for her when it was time to go to bed. and she blew up on him because she said, you,'re never considerate of me, you never think of me. And he's like, damn, it's just a towel. But what's the problem? Now, in that moment to him, she's being wrong but she's wrong to him because your perception is it's about the towel. It's not about the towel. Listen to what she said, you never consider me. So, now why do you feel like I never consider you? Now, we can dig deeper into finding out. Now, she may say because when this happened you did this, when this happened you did that and you might say oh, now I see why she feels that way because we got away from the surface of the towel and we got into the deeper reasoning why she's in those shoes, all right. So, that's what we have to do.

It still takes effective loving communication from the woman to bring it up and not attack as well.

Yes, and that's why I said that's the key. We have to learn how to express ourselves in a calm loving manner. The minute you attack someone they will defend themselves and their ability to receive what you're saying or how you're feeling is completely diminished because now they're in defense mode and now their brain is scattered thinking about how to get you off their back so to speak. So, if you come at them the right way you speak calmly, lovingly. And again, even in you expressing your frustration you have to put yourself in that other person's shoes as to why they're not seeing what you're saying right now. Because now when you understand they don't get it because of XYZ, I can adjust the way I'm delivering this message or I can give you an example that helps you understand it. Like me as a speaker I believe one of the reasons why I'm successful is because I'm able to give analogies and examples that can connect with that person who may not understand this if I just spoke it in psychological terms or whatever the case may be. And so, you have to learn how to bring the conversation to them not just expecting them to take it as you want to give it.

Yeah, and also think to yourself, would you like it if my partner was doing this to me just coming at me for something that may seem small to them or seem small to me, but it's really about a bigger problem.

Exactly.

So don't come at someone unless you want them to come at you in the same way and you'll be fine with it.

Absolutely.

Are these principles in romantic partnerships? Can you apply some of these same principles in family member relationships, friends, colleagues, business relationships, or do Different relationships need to be treated differently.

No, it's again, it's all the same. The difference between romantic relationship and the other relationships is that one, we're physically attracted to each other, all right. Physical attraction is like the main ingredient that takes us from being friends to being wanting to be lovers. But the core principles are the same with communication, expressing yourself in a loving, positive manner. putting yourself in their shoes, all of that stuff is the same. Even in business, if you want to build better business relationships, you got to learn how to listen, effectively communicate, it's no different. Be patient with them. Now, yes, the other difference between romantic relationship and the other ones is that we are fully committed to this person that we're with. Like, I don't have to deal with my family member if I don't want to. I don't have to deal with this friend if I don't want to. But if you're my partner, I have to deal with you. So, it's even more important for us to learn how to better engage with each other and get along better and communicate better and all these different things where yes, that level of priority may not be on those other relationships. But the core principles are pretty much the exact same.

You speak to men and women, young and old, but I feel like the essence is around women as well. A lot of your messages is helping women understand how to find the right life partner, how to get married, how to know what's right for you. And you talk a lot about healing. Now, why is healing in your mind so important in terms of building strong relationships?

It's important because it's It's the number one thing holding people back from having healthier relationships. It's the issue that so many people are facing but they sweep under the rug. We've all been through stuff. We've all been damaged. We've all been disappointed and hurt but we have not properly processed those things. And then we take those negative experiences and we project them on to people. We project them on to our future. We project them on to our self-esteem and self-worth and we throw everything out of whack. And now, we can't even embrace or set ourselves up for that great relationship because we're still holding on to the bad one that we experienced before. So, it completely gets in the way of people seeing progress in their life. So, to me it's like okay, we can give you all these tools and tips on how to date and how to navigate through this relationship.

Online dating stuff and this and that.

Exactly, and it's all useful. But if you don't heal you're going to end up in a bad spot. there's no way around that it's inevitable. And people who think they can ignore a lack of healing and still have a great relationship are being naive.

Yeah, it sounds like if you don't heal you're going to keep hurting yourself and hurting the person you're in a relationship with.

Yes, and or hurting people that you could have been in a relationship with because so many people have run away or pushed away that real love because it was scary, it made them feel too vulnerable. And again, that stems from you've been hurt and so you don't want to go back to that hurt again. So when somebody you feel deeply for pulls out all this love and this vulnerability out of you, it's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. This is too much.

That's interesting. You know, I many years ago, I was dating someone, and it was like, you know, we were very connected very quickly. I felt like, wow, there's something different. about this person. And after months, she started sabotaging things. Like, we would be having, like, the most incredible nights. Like, everything was going great. And then all of a sudden, she would just get mad at me over nothing, right? Which seemed like nothing. I was like, what? What did I say or didn't say? Like, I thought we were having fun here. And then the whole night, the next 24 hours would be ruined because she would be upset about something. But wouldn't tell me. And I was like, what is going on? Many. She was not the right fit for me. in the long run and we broke up eventually. But at one point she said to me, she goes, I didn't think I'd find you. I didn't think I'd find you now at this age of my life. I thought I'd find you in my 30s. She was in her 20s. I thought I'd have my fun in my 20s and then the version of you, the idea of you would come at 30 or something when she was ready. she was holding on to so much baggage and like hurt from previous relationships, but she wasn't healing from it at the time. Exactly. She was just kind of like sabotaging and like pushing away like the vulnerability.

That we were creating.

Like we were having so much connection and vulnerability, but she was just like.

I'm scared, you know? Exactly. It's crazy. Because she lost emotional control with you and that's a scary place to be in. And so, the only thing she can do at that point is look for something to be wrong to validate walking away. Because if she can't find something wrong how can she say I can't do this I don't want to be here anymore? So, now it starts to nitpick create issues but it all stems from yes, she has not healed it. I would argue that the vast majority of people are married to someone they don't even have the deepest feelings for. Really? Yes.

What's the percentage you think in your mind?

If I had to throw out a number I'm going to say.

60%.

60% I'm just going to throw out there and it could be a lot higher.

I feel like 60% of people don't love... What did you say?

They're not married to the person they have the deepest feelings for, all right. The person they have the deepest feelings for that situation somehow went left, people run. Like in your situation in her mind, you were too good to be true. This was not real. And she she could not believe that she was experiencing this at this time of her life.

And to be honest with you, she.

Wouldn'T have been ready at 30 either. Because at 30 she still wouldn't have healed, you would have came along and she'd been like, what is going on here? And so, it's a very common thing. It happens a lot more than people think. Like, I'm willing to bet there are men who are going to hear this and they're going to say, oh, my gosh, that happened to me. Wow, all right. And people don't hear about it as much because now when that woman tells her story to someone else she doesn't say oh, he was too good, I was scared, I ran away.

He did this and he had this.

Fault and I had this red flag.

Yes.

All these challenges came up and he looked at me, I don't know something.

Exactly, because again, she has to validate her decision and she has to make herself feel more comfortable about the fact that she ran away from you. But I'm going to tell you right now it's going to hit her. It's gonna hit her hard one day. And don't be surprised if one day.

I mean, I don't know.

Oh, it's already happened many times.

It's happened many times. Don't worry. No, it's not, it's, we weren't the right fit.

It was, you know, it's all good.

And I wish her the best. But yeah, she's tried to come back many times. They always, always, it's all good. Who do you think runs away more from vulnerability and in a relationship that has the potential to be great men or women?

Women. People are going to be shocked for women, hands down.

Why is that?

Okay, one I think that because women are more emotionally in tune and they give more emotionally so become a lot more emotionally invested in situations, it's quicker for themselves to feel like they're losing themselves when they feel this amazing connection with somebody. Because again, it pulls you into an area that you're not used to being in.

They lose control.

Yes, because it's like if you're with a guy that you really like, all right, and you're really into him but he doesn't call you today, it'll bother you. But it's not going to drive you crazy like the guy who you're madly into, all right. When he doesn't call you, you might be thinking oh, my gosh, what is he doing? What's happening? Am I good enough? Women will start to question and analyze everything that will drive them insane. Also, the reality is that women are hearing so much from other women or from what they've only experienced good men don't exist. There are no good men here. This is a fairy tale to believe you can meet this guy who's so great and so amazing. So, when they meet that guy it's something has to be wrong.

It's too good to be true.

Exactly, I cannot believe this is what it is.

Let me check his like background record. He went to jail.

He must have secrets. kids somewhere something is going on. On the flip side, when men come across that situation they think oh, my gosh, I've hit the jackpot. Like, I found a woman who separates herself from everyone else. They latch onto it. The problem though with men is we don't typically handle those situations well in regards to one, how that woman is reacting. So, if she's feeling insecure or she's feeling uneasy, we get frustrated because it's almost like well, we had this amazing connection, I'm doing my best to love you, why are you acting like this? So, now we may react in a way that fuels her fear.

That fear, yeah, exactly.

And creates more problems. So, we do contribute to the issue but we're not quicker to run away. We're quicker to latch on and say oh, my gosh, I want this. This is an opportunity I can't let pass me by. Where she's thinking this is not a real This can't be true. I'm fooling myself. Let me run now before I get hurt even worse later.

Before I get too deep in and then it's hard for me to get out.

Exactly.

Wow, man.

Yeah.

Who messes up relationships more? If women tend to run away more. If a man knows how to like... Manage the running this away. Like who ends up messing up relationships more men or women in your experience?

That one's hard to say. I'm going to lean towards men and only because I feel like men aren't as in tune into what we're doing wrong in the moment. So, for example, the other day I had a client came to me his fiance broke up with him, all right. And he had said that back in earlier this year they had this argument and it was over the fact that there weren't tiles prepared for her when they were staying at some family's house. Now, she's saying to him in this argument, you don't appreciate me, you don't make me a priority essentially. And he's saying, why are we arguing about a towel? And I had to explain to him like listen, it's not about the towel, listen to her words. She said, you never appreciate me, let's explore that. So, I think that there's a disconnect a lot of times with guys not understanding what they're overlooking, what they're missing, not truly hearing what the woman is saying because she's not always very clear and transparent about what's going on. Which yes, is an issue which does contribute to the problems. But I do think that men knowingly and unknowingly sometimes make a lot of mistakes that cause damage to relationships. I don't want to say put more blame on them but I do...

In general, you're saying.

Yeah, it happens more on that side.

And when did you start to learn about relationships so well because right now you're not married, you're not in a relationship. So what gives you this experience of relationship expertise and understanding?

So it's a combination of things. One, it was ever since I was a kid, people came to me and told me their life story.

Really? Yes.

I remember being 13, I would meet, I met a woman for the first time at a party. At the party, she's telling me how she's been raped, how all these horrific things have to her that she's never told anyone else. And I could see this was a one-time thing but this was a reoccurring theme. People... I remember at the bus stop one time someone sitting next to me and then opening up. And I never understood why but what that did was it allowed me to see into people's lives more than the average person does. Therefore, gain a better more clear understanding of what's really going on. But what really I think bust the doors wide open was when I went abstinent. Because I feel like as men, when we still have sex on the brain and sex as the focus, we don't see straight, all right. And we don't process things properly.

You were in a relationship at the time, you mean?

No, I was single and you know, I thought God was telling me I need to step away from women and just be abstinent. And this also coincidentally was when the business really took another step and went.

To a higher level.

And so, it allowed me to refocus but it not just refocusing purpose and business wise, I was able to really see things for what they were. I was able to step away from situations and really evaluate, understand. Because so much is happening and so much... It's not that we don't know, but sometimes we don't know how to articulate it. We don't know how to process and break it down. Now, that I do believe is a natural gift that I've been given. I just know how to express things in a way that people can understand it. and I know how to process things and see beyond what you're showing me. Because a lot of people will act like I'm happy, I'm good, nothing wrong with me and I can see right through that, all right. So, that combination of natural gift, letting God lead me as far as my purpose is concerned. But I do think that being abstinent and really taking my selfish desires out of it.

Wow, when did this happen? How old are you?

This was. I was, what, 27?

You've been absent since 27.

There's been some. I haven't been perfect with it.

Sure, sure.

But I did go a stretch of five years.

Wow.

And I really think that helped open my eyes to another level and really allow me to see things more clearly and not just see things more clearly, but also fine-tune how I Express things because I was the person. when I was younger who was very blunt, very bold, just said how I felt, didn't care how you felt about it. And I learned, you know, it's not what you say, it's how you say it. And learning how to convey the message in a way that people can actually receive it was something I had to work on as well, especially as I found myself in this position. I never knew I was going to be doing this. I never saw this as my future, but once I kind of got to that place of accepting it, I realized I had things I had to improve upon and make better so that I can truly help people the way they need to be helped.

What's the greatest lesson you learned in a partnership or intimate relationship of yours that you've had?

Don't internalize things personally. And what I mean is a lot of times we react to what they're doing or how they're talking to us or their behavior towards us in that moment, not realizing it's deeper than us in that moment. It's not about us, it's about them. Exactly, and if we internalize it and we react to that, we will now make things worse and we will pile on more negative energy into the situation and it starts to make things harder to overcome or it can just break apart the whole relationship. So, learning to kind of take a step back and really again, hearing them not just listening to what they're saying or not just hearing them more so listening as far as listen to the key words, listen to what's really going on with them, take your own emotions out of it, don't react emotionally to things. And I think that's a lesson for not just romantic relationships, that's for any relationship. Business, family, whatever, don't be so quick to react emotionally. Allow yourself to process. I always tell you, you know how to say think before you speak, pray before you speak, pray before you react. Allow yourself to just calm your spirit, listen, process, then speak. Because too many times that emotional reaction, it just it's just adding more fire to the flame.

What should be the key things people are looking for in any partner to thrive and maintain a relationship long term in today's society?

The first thing that came to mind is connection, all right? I am a firm believer that you can't have an amazing relationship at least long term without connection. A lot of people get by on that initial hype, all right. That initial excitement oh, they're so wonderful, their resume is so great blah, blah, blah. Okay, that's cool but that's not going to sustain you. Is there something deeper there? Can you two truly be each other, be yourselves with each other? Open up, share your inner thoughts, you know, be emotionally naked with this person. If you can and you still enjoy their presence, enjoy speaking to them, you feel good when they're around you, okay, we got something we can work with here. Even if everything's not in perfect alignment, we have the foundation to now grow the relationship. But without that, it's just fluff.

Is connection something that's created or is it just... Does it only happen between certain people?

It only happens between certain people.

It's either there or it's not.

You can't... And you should know it.

In the first few minutes or is it maybe it takes...

I won't say you'll know it in the first few minutes. I think it can vary. I think it depends on how spiritually in tune you are or how emotionally grounded you are. If you're in a very emotionally healthy place I do think you're going to recognize it very quickly, all right. But a lot of times you pick up on it but you're scared to embrace it. You're still rationalizing what's going on here and we've been programmed to believe it all takes time. So, when we see this experience where two people are it's like this they click and they're feeling these intense feelings right away everyone else is saying slow down, this can't be real or you know, you're jumping the gun. In reality, no. Because in most situations let's just say if not in a few minutes the first date, people know. People know like there's potential here or there's not or this one could be the one or they're not. But we rationalize why we should entertain this and move further, give it a chance, waste our time. And then we find ourselves stuck in situations we don't belong in. And now we try to make it work because we've invested so much and we don't want to now admit that we were wrong or we wasted our time. we're lonely, various reasons cause us to hang on to situations we don't belong in. But we knew from the beginning. Like, when I speak to people who are divorced and I ask them... When did you know? When did you know yet?

A lot of people are like my wedding day or like... Exactly. I did when I was walking down the aisle. You're like why did you get married? Exactly. I hate when people answer that way. I'm like why would you get married?

And even way before then forget the marriage they it might have been when reality truly hit or they allowed themselves to see it. But then at that point, what are you going to do?

Yeah, you got to fall through. Your family's there and you don't want to be embarrassed.

Exactly, but again, the reality is that person saw it way before but again, they rationalized past it then and now they found themselves in this more difficult position and they can't do anything about it.

And then they get a divorce a year or two later.

They try to make it 25 years later. I know, listen, I know one couple who were married for 25 years. After they got divorced everyone was against it because on the outside looking in they looked like this great couple, all right. But they were miserable, all right, behind closed doors. Well, the wife let me read a letter that the husband wrote her before they got married. I read this letter and the first thing I say is why did you ever get married? It was clear as day in this letter that you guys should not have taken that step.

What did it say generally?

It was just in general calling out all these different issues and problems it was a clear disconnect between the two. And once I started to learn the real story you saw that they did not have that deep connection. They were two people who did not fit together and what they lacked was the other thing I was going to bring up as far as what people need is balance, all right. I think too many times we're fixated on equality and not enough on balance.

Who's the difference?

The difference is this equality is almost like all right, LeBron and Dwyane Wade joined together. They both are alpha males of their team, they're both superstars, they both can shoot. There's some level of equality there. But you know what, they could not win a championship until one decided who's going to be the main person here. It wasn't about equality quality was about balance. It was about complimenting each other, learning how to work together. D-Wade or the rest of the team being able to do the things that LeBron can't do everything on his team. He needs the right players around him. So, it's the same thing in relationships. It's not about they have to be able to do everything we do, we got to be able to do everything they do. It's about can we compliment each other? Can we balance each other? Can I fit in or can I have the strengths where you have the weaknesses, all right? and in a way that doesn't conflict. And I believe the conflict part is when you don't have a connection they will conflict. When there is a connection that's when you're going to find balance. Because now when there's a connection we embrace our differences.

You communicate better you can say this is what you're really good at why don't you do more of these things and let me do these things.

Exactly and we can find a way to make it a whole unit. Wow. That's how we create amazing relationships. Balance to me is the greatest. Balance and connection, you have those two things you win. And if you look at most failed relationships, they lack those two things.

Two things, connection and balance. It might be some forced connection or they've lost the connection because it wasn't really...

They never had the connection.

It was never true. It was like the hype of the connection.

Exactly.

Hold on.

Sexual connection or the resume of this person or the idea of this person.

Well, it was more so chemistry. Like, chemistry is not connection, all right? Chemistry can be created, all right? And again, so using the whole basketball analogy, a team comes together you can build chemistry. We can learn how to work together, we can learn how to coexist so to speak. But that doesn't mean we really like each other at its core, all right? There's the difference. So, you can have a team where the players learn to play together but they still hate each other, all right.

So, they had chemistry.

But no connection.

But not connection.

Exactly, when you have connection in relationship that is way more important to chemistry because the connection will bring the chemistry. We don't got to worry about the chemistry part. When two people have a connection they learn.

It's like that.

Exactly, and it's a rare thing again, we don't experience that with everybody. It's something that happens... It's rare to find someone who can say they've had that deep genuine connection more than two times in their life. If even twice, all right. It's usually once. To be honest with you. But I'm going to give it two.

Times and yes, there are going to.

Be some people out there that say well, there's billions of people in this world. Why could it's not about yes, is it technically possible? Maybe so, but you're not going to come across billions of people in the world. You're only going to come across a certain amount of individuals and in that group of people, yes, you're only going to find that connection maybe once or twice. And once you get there, like once somebody sets the bar that high in your life, it is very hard.

Yeah, you have to refine that.

Exactly, you're not going to feel comfortable anymore going beneath that. If you do, you're going to find yourself not at peace and very miserable in your relationship.

Wow, connection balance, is there anything else or is those really the main two things and then everything else is figure out.

I would... The last thing I'm going to throw in is attraction. And the reason I throw it in is because I feel like in this world we try to shame people for putting a focus on attraction. And to me, it's not about looks. Looks is about specifically saying you have to look like this, you have to be this tall, you have to have this body shape. I'm not saying looks, I'm saying attraction. We have to be physically drawn to each other. That's the last and that takes a relationship from platonic to romantic. And that's the ingredient that if you remove it will make a romantic relationship. Exactly, friends, roommates. You got people living together?

No sexual chemistry.

Exactly, because why the attraction is gone. But if you bring it back into that relationship see how quickly things change. That is the ingredient so, we have to be willing to embrace the fact of yes, attraction is necessary necessary one when we first meet each other and we need that to be more drawn to each other. But then to maintain and sustain that great relationship, we can't make excuses for letting ourselves go and understand there's a difference between aging and letting yourself go. A lot of people are letting themselves go making excuses for it. I understand life hits us it's tougher as we get older, yes, but you got to work to maintain attraction in your relationship. You let that go to the I'm friends. Exactly.

And if you want to learn more about mastering relationships, then make sure to check out this video right here. The more you do not tell her.

The truth about how you're feeling, either she's going to cry now, she's going to cry later. And when she cries later, you've inflicted more pain.

I believe as a man, we're going.

To be one of two men. Men that heal pain or inflict pain.